- Oh my God, I just wanna take his head, and I wanna peel the
skin off of his skull. - [Key] I know where you're going. - And I wanna just start
throwing it up like pizza dough, until it's long, flat, and round. And I wanna to take it to a picnic, and toss it around like a Frisbee, at puppy faced Frisbee picnic! - Let's get him!
- Yeah! ♪ All I want is ♪ ♪ But I don't need it ♪ - Oh, hold on a second.
(Peele mmhmms) Oh, hell no. He did not just text me he working late. That (bleep) is weak. - Okay. - And you know what, working late, my ass. If he don't walk through that
door in the next half an hour, he may as well not even come home tonight, 'cause I'm not gonna be there
waiting for his cheating ass. - Okay!
- You know what I'm saying? I ain't playing, you know what I'm saying? But yeah, I will be there waiting because, but he gonna have to put up
with a lot (bleep) from me. - Okay. - And if he think he gonna
do this (bleep) again, he is sorely mistaken. - Okay. - Because my man gets one chance. - Okay. - One.
- Okay. - And then after that, he get one more. - Okay. - And then after that, he
gonna get three strikes, then ya out. - Okay. - And if I ever find out that my man was messing around on me, he
better get as far away from me as he possibly can,
because he do not wanna get what I'm gonna give to him. - Okay. - I got my mother(bleep)
real estate license. - Okay. - But if and when he does
come home, that's fine. - Okay. - 'Cause he can go out
and get all turnt up what with these little
side hos and whatnot, ';cause you know what, bitch? He always gonna come home, all right? - Okay. - I'm the queen bee, and
he always gonna come home back to me.
- Okay. - You know what? But what would you know, what you know if, I wouldn't even care. - Okay. - But I'll tell you what
happen if he do come home. - Okay. - He ain't gonna be pulling any
of that (bleep) in my house. - Okay. - Yeah, but he can come to
the house if he wants to, but he ain't never gonna
do that when I'm home. - Okay. - You know what? Even if I'm home, it's fine. - Okay. - [Key] You know what I'm talking about? - Okay. - 'Cause I don't give a good goddamn. - Okay. - That's what I'm talking about, but he ain't gonna bring
that (bleep) into my bedroom. I'll tell you that much right now. - Okay. - 'Cause there ain't
no triping-ass (bleep) gonna wake me up while he's
cheating on me in my bed again. - Okay! - And I told him, I looked
him right in the face, I said, this is the fifth and last time! - Okay! - I couldn't have said it
better myself, girl, you right. - Okay. - You just been spouting
words of wisdom all evening, and I ain't listening to a
goddamn thing you saying. - Okay. - I don't even know what
the hell I was thinking, girl, you right. The second that that man
walks through that door, I'm gonna dump his ass. - Okay. - Okay? - [Peele] Okay. - Oh my gosh. Speak of the devil. (warm smooth music) - Okay, okay. - We love this place, it's amazing. - It's so hot. - It's like four stars somewhere. I heard it got like six stars,
which is like impossible. - Oh my God, let's take a picture. - Let's take a picture right now. Oh my God, here we go. (camera clicks) - Oh my God, I'm making a face. - Oh my God, I'm like
one big nose, delete it. - Delete it.
(phone beeps) (camera clicks) - What am I doing, I'm gross. - What am I looking at, an orca whale? - Delete it. - Delete it!
(phone beeps) (shotgun bangs) (attendees screaming) - On the the ground, on the ground! - Oh my God, we're getting robbed. - Oh my God, I'm okay, I'm like, oh my God, what is my eye doing? - Ew, I look like I'm 40! We can delete it. - Come on, let's get out
of here, we'll delete it. - Down! (camera clicks) - Oh my God, I look like
somebody unwrapped a mummy. - Oh my God, I look like
a five-year-old drew me. - Totally delete it. - Delete it! - Delete it! - [Officer] Police, drop your weapon! (shotgun clicking and booming) - Ew, I totally look like "Cloverfield." - I look like I just had
a stroke or something. - Delete it!
- Delete it! - Right?
- Yeah. (shotgun booms) - We're cute in that.
- Ladies, can you just show me the picture you were talking about, please. - Oh, it's like. - Yeah, stop, great, right there. That's great. Grady, we got a clear
shot of the perpetrator. He's holding his shotgun and everything. (phone beeps)
Wait, wait, wait. Where'd the picture go? - We deleted it.
- Gross. - What? - I had childbirth face. - Yeah, I looked like my
grandmother having an orgasm. - Delete it!
- Delete it! - Grady, book these idiots
for destroying evidence. - Ow. Ew, why are you being so manhandley? - I can't believe this, why are we even? We were the heroes of the evening! - It's ridiculous. - We stopped the perpetrator,
now we're being arrested? - Can we please, oh my God- - It's a miscarriage of justice
the entire time. (gasps) Oh, oh!
- What? No fucking way. - Oh my God, you cannot, you cannot arrest me with that picture! - Delete it. - Are you kidding me? - Delete it! - I was blinking, this is ridiculous! - Delete it! - Delete it right now. Delete it.
- Delete it. - You must delete this photo, delete it- - No, he has a picture us. - I'm not leaving until he deletes it. I'm not leaving until he deletes it, you gotta delete it!
- No! - He's gotta delete it!
- Just delete it! - You have to delete this picture! - [Peele] Delete it! - [Key] But when she does
talk, like, you're listening. - [Peele] Yeah, oh my God, last time, I was like, who are you? You're brilliant. - I know.
- Shut up. - And she just-
- Oh my God! Oh my God, oh my God!
- (gasps) Oh my God! Oh my God!
- Oh my God! - Amy, look at that one! - Oh, Megan-
- That is so cute. - [Key] That is the cutest effing puppy I've ever seen in my entire life. - Oh my God, I'm just gonna take him, and I just wanna bite his little ears off. - I just want to take
his little legs and just I could snack on them like
little chicken drumettes. - Yes! I just wanna take his
fuzzy little perfect head, and I wanna put it in my mouth,
and squeeze down on it hard until I have a puppy-faced
diamond in my mouth. - Mm, so, I feel like I have
to wrap his face in a towel, and then beat it with a tire iron. - I'm going to buy that dog, I'm going to drive him to the vet, and I'm going to have
him put down immediately. (both gasping) - [Key] Look at him. Oh my God, you know what
I'm gonna have to do? - What?
- I'm going to have to take that scruffy little nose-
- Yes. - And just kick it. I just have to, I would kick it- - Yes. - Until it comes up on my shoes, like little puppy snout
slippers, you know what I mean? And then I'm gonna go to a
party, and everyone's like, oh my God, where'd you get the slippers? And I'll be like, these? These are my face
slippers from my adorable, dumb little puppy! - That's exactly what I was going to say! - Yes, B. - Oh my God, I just wanna take his head, and I wanna peel the
skin off of his skull. - I think I know where you're going. - And I wanna just start
throwing it up like pizza dough until it's long, flat, and round. And I wanna take it to a picnic, and toss it around like a Frisbee at a puppy-faced Frisbee picnic! - Let's get him!
- Yeah! (dramatic thunk) - So cute. - So cute. Oh my God, is it me, or is it like totally mosquitoey out here? - Oh my God, remember this one? He was so cute.
- So cute. (crepey music sting) - So I'm doing this
like airline food diet, it's like all I eat, and
I've lost like 16 pounds. - Oh my God, Amy, I
almost forgot to tell you. - Yeah, what? - We got a new receptionist at work. - Ew, no way. - Yeah, so, I'm in the common area, alone, minding my own business. - Yeah, oh, she said something to you? - She came out to me, and no joke, she's like, hi, I'm Sandy, I
don't believe we've met yet. - (gasps) She said that to you? - Like, no, Amy, I'm not even
kidding you, she's crazy. - Yeah. - No, like, I'm scared, like, crazy, like, get this bitch away from me, she's sociopathically batshit crazy. - Oh my God, that totally reminds me. I have a new neighbor. - Ew, yeah? - She comes over to my
house, she knocks on the door with like a package under her arm. - Stalker much? - Yeah, And she looks me in the eye, and she says to me, excuse me, I think the postman dropped this package off at my house by accident. - (gasps) She said that to you? - Yeah. - Crazy bitch. - I mean, like, I'm gonna have to move because this bitch is
nutburgers McLooneyTunes stand at the front of my
knife with a knife crazy. - Oh my God, that totally reminds me. - [Key] Oh yeah? - You remember that girl at Starbucks? - The crazy one? - No, a different one, she's new. - I haven't met her yet. - Well, she's crazy. - Uh-huh? - She gives me my change, and
then she's like, thanks, bye. - She smiled at you like that? - How crazy is that? - That's like insane
in the membrane crazy, like, this has the membrane,
she's inside of it, 'cause that's insane. - No, like, I'm not even kidding you, Amy. That's crazy, like it puts
the lotion in the basket or else it gets the hose again cray to the mother(bleep) cray! - Yeah, like if Jay-Z had a
sister, her name would be Cray. - Hey! You ladies wanna meet Channing Tatum? (Key and Peele gasp) - Is he really in there? - Are you serious? Oh, Channing!
- Oh my God, Channing! - [Peele] Channing, what
are you doing in a van? - [Key] This is effing crazy,
I don't see you, Channing, why are you hiding? - [Peele] What are you doing here? - [Key] Channing, are you
like in a little ball? (doors clunk) - [Peele] No, it smells
like mildew in here. Ow, a sharp, jagged rusty edge. - [Peele] Is that a meathook? (creepy music sting)
(door clunks) - Okay.
- I don't care! - You know, a situation-
- No, but I don't care! - And I'm trying to help
people out over here. - Okay, you know what, Jay-quellin? - No, I don't know, what? - You need to think
about yourself sometimes, before you start insinuating yourself in other people's business. - Well, you know what, De-nice? I'm gonna insinuate myself
whenever and wherever I please, 'cause it's a free country, bitch! (crowd oohs) - Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh. - Uh-uh.
- Uh-huh. - Uh-uh, okay, you know what? - Oh, we doing this, okay, so we gonna do it here, babe. - Yeah, we are about to fight now. - Bring it on then, bitch, let's go! - We about to bring, I ain't even playing. But you know what?
- I wish you would. - Step to me then.
- I wish you would- - Go ahead, step to me. - Step up to me. - [Peele] No, I would love
for you to step right now. - Right now, bitch. But you're just talking,
that's the problem. - I don't even care.
- That's the problem, 'cause you're talking now-
- No more. - And that's all you're doing. - Call me a bitch again. - Oh yeah? - Call me a bitch again.
- Okay. - See what happens. - Your wish is granted,
oh, see what happens? I would like to see what happens. I would love to see what happens. - Oh, you do? - Oh, absolutely. So why don't you come
and bring it then, bitch? (crowd ohing)
- Mm-mm. See, no, you are riding my last nerve, and I ain't even playing no more. I am not even playing no more. - Oh, it's on? Then let's do something, okay? You wanna go? (pantyhose creaking) Do something, bitch. - Uh-uh. - Huh? There we go, let's do something. - Uh-uh! - Eh heh. - Uh-uh! - It's uh-huh, it's uh-huh. - Uh-uh! - Let's do something, bitch! (crowd oohs)
- What? (zipper grinding) (dramatic energetic music) (kids slapping) - [Both Girls] We told you
not to mess with us, bitch! - Y'all just saw that bitch turn into two little girls, right? (Key sighs) - Happy Sunday, Esther. - Happy Sunday, Georgina. How was your week? - Oh, the Lord is with me, but the devil, he got his
hands on my grandniece, Grace. - Oh no. - (mmhmms) They're smoking the reefer, and doing the hanky panky with boys. - Oh, Georgina. - Well, Esther, you know
that I love all things that are good and holy. (Peele mmhmms) But if he doesn't let go
of my grandniece, Grace, I'm gonna cut the devil's (bleep) off, and shove it in his ass. (Peele mmhmms) With my prayers. - I know you will,
Georgina, I know you will. - How was your week, girl? - Oh, you know me, I'm blessed
and thankful for every day. - (mmhmms) All right. - But you know my grandson, Jason, got his self wrapped up in
the leathery claws of Satan. - (gasps) Not Jason. - He got his self arrested
for the spray painting and the vandalism. - Oh Lord. - And I tell you, I never
raise my hand in anger, but if he don't let Jason go, I'm gonna punch that (bleep)
Satan in the nuts so hard it wipe the (bleep) licking
smirk off his horned-ass face! (Key mmhmms) With my prayers. - Amen, I know you will,
Esther, I know you will. But Esther, I gotta tell
you something else now. - Mm, let it out! - You know, Esther, that
I have found serenity in the glory of heaven. - Yes! - But my daughter's husband, Bernard, has gotten himself wedged
between the cleft hooves of Lucifer himself!
- Mm! - She opened up her laptop computer, and found the pornography of women! - Not the pornography of women. - Absolutely the pornography of women. - Not on the laptop computer. - The laptop computer and
the pornography of women! - Mm! - I am a pacifist under God's request, but if he don't let go of Bernard, I'm gonna sneak up on
that bitchy-ass Lucifer, right in the midst of his sleep time. - Oh. - And then I'm gonna sit on
that mother(bleep)'s head, and I'm gonna spread my booty
cheeks on that pig's face, and I'm gonna just
pucker up my stink hole- - Hoo! - And just toops, toops, toops, scoops, ba-doop-scoops-scoops-ga-doops until that (bleep) got
a brown dot on his nose that I could use for
target practice, sha-plow! Sha-plow!
- Shoot that! - Sha-plow! - Ooh, shoot that
(bleep) and (bleep) that! - With my prayers! - With your prayers, of course, of course. Oh, Georgina, Georgina, Georgina. - Yup, yup, yup, yup, yup. - OH, I got nothing but faith
in God and heaven above, but I tell you, my son's wife, Crystal, she got herself wrapped up in the fiery wings and
Mephistopheles herself. - Here we go. - You know she got caught using profanity with her own children! - Where? - At the dinner table. - Oh, Lord, child, child! - Georgina Daree Martin! Oh, I have nothing but
love for every creature on this planet,
(Key mmhmms) but if he'd don't let
my darling Crystal go, I'm gonna flirt with the devil. - Oh, oh! - Show him a little bit of shoulder. How you doing? He gonna start looking away, I'm gonna start twerking. Start twerking-
- You're gonna twerk? - He gonna be like, ooh,
and he's gonna be drawn in, I'm gonna seduce that
little mother(bleep)er. Give him one of these, hi,
batting my eyelashes at him. Then when he least expects
it, and I got his trust, that's when I'm gonna ride that (bleep). I'm gonna give him a night of his life, a night he ain't never gonna forget. - Gonna give him. - I'm gonna give him this way, I'm gonna give him that way. And then, right When he about to climax, that's when I'm gonna clench up my (bleep) on that mother(bleep)er's red (bleep), and I'm gonna snap that (bleep)
off with a divine kegel! - Ooh, well, you gotta
snap that (bleep) off! - Hoo! - Snap it off! - Hoo, with my prayers. - With your prayers, with
your prayers, of course, with the prayers, yeah. But that's right, girl!
- Yes! - You got get him, Esther!
- Yes! - (bleep) Satan! - (bleep) him! - (bleep) him in th! - [Demonic Voice] Hello. - Oh. - What, what's happening, Georgina? - Georgina isn't here anymore. (chuckling) It is I, Satan. (Peel gasps) Oh, ooh, oh!
(slaps cracking) Ooh, oh, ooh, oh! No, Esther, I'm in here now! - [Peele] Oh! - I'm kickin' this (bleep)'s ass! - Yeah! - Oh, help me, somebody help me! I've got kids, you don't have to- (Satan groaning) - Oh, get him, Georgina, get him! - I stuck a safety pin in
this (bleep)'s urethra! - Oh! - No! (bleep), that hurts! - Oh. - Right now, I got his (bleep)
in my hands like an old rag, I'm ripping it off!
- Gonna rip it off! - And I'm ripping it off! - Oh, gimme some of that! I want a piece of him, yes! Tag me in! (Key and Peele groaning) - Who is this crazy bitch now? Ah, it's me, mother(bleep)er,
your worst nightmare, bitch! (Peele laughing) - Shake that mother(bleep)! - That's right, I'm on top of you, I'm on top of! What's going on? This feels good, why
would she do this to me? Oh, you'll see in a
second, mother(bleep)er! - Just wait for your (bleep)! - Oh, I'm waiting, but oh,
here I (bleep), here I (bleep)! Here you come, hah, got that? (grunting) Snap! (Key gasps) Ooh, I got him good. I'll do anything you say,
I'll do anything you say! - Too late now, too late now, Satan! We should probably go. - Oh yeah, let's go, let's go. - They're about to start the service. - Oh, I gotta hold it in, we
gonna go medieval on his ass. No, no, no, I can't take it, I can't take- Get off me there, mister! Please, please, get these
crazy bitches off of me! (Satan groaning) Jesus Christ is my personal
lord and savior, I swear! Lord, too late for that now!
