The Office but it's just Dwight's Cold Opens

the tea in Nepal is very hot but the coffee in Peru is much hotter last week I finally became permanent manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton my first project increase security I got these doors from a jewelry store that had recently gone on of business now they're protecting America's real treasure paper every morning I email the day security codes something that's been really missing from my life has been writing secret codes it's not the KGB but it's a start the tea in Nepal is very hot but the coffee in Peru is far hotter close this is Tuesday right the the coffee and Paraguay is far colder the coffee in Paraguay is colder no I meant you were getting colder the correct response is the coffee in Peru is much hotter a much okay but that's three wrong so I got to give you the steam no unless you want me to break Protocol no no give me the steam is just harmless steam to panic Intruders I'd like to get harmful steam but the prices are absurd break protocol break protocol break protocol oh I'm saving a fortune on dry cleaning D how's it going man yes I have decided to shun Andy Bernard for the next 3 years which I'm looking forward to it's an Amish technique it's like slapping someone with silence I was shunned from the age of four until my sixth birthday for not saving the excess oil from a can of tuna Jim could you please inform Andy Bernard that he is being shunned Andy Dwight says welcome back and he could use a hug okay tell him that that's not true Dwight says that he actually doesn't know one single fact about bear attacks okay no Jim tell him Bears can climb faster than they can run Jim tell him and he too far damn you did she get one of these no thank you do you even know what this is it is a fitness orb and it has completely changed my life forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts done this this ab workout is specifically designed to strengthen your core sorry numerous health benefits strengthens your back better performance in sports more enjoyable sex you're not having sex plus improves your reflexes I would have caught that okay you know what uh how much is that that's only 25 bucks wow um okay I know a lot of us have been feeling under the weather lately it's that time of year and according to a study done by the University of Arizona they discovered that your keyboards have hundreds of times more bacteria per square inch than a toilet seat I heard your mama has more bacteria pres scrunch than a toilet seat that's true that's true I dated her mama and you know what all right one of the simplest ways to cut down on the spread of germs is to use something called The Vampire cough did did you say vampire oh no it's just that if a vampire had to cough he would do it like this uhhuh right and ruin their cloaks do you have any idea how expensive wool is in Transylvania because of the Euro well other things you can do to help cut down on the spread of disease are to wash your hands regularly don't come in if you're sick and get your flu shot shot also I'm going to set up hand sanitizing stations around the office no no no they will cost you your life elaborate the worst thing you can do for your immune system is to coddle it they need to fight their own battles if Saber really cared about our well-being they would set up hand desanitizing stations a simple bowl at every juncture filled with dirt vomit fecal matter exposing yourself to germs is the best way to make yourself stronger so by that rationale if I had to sneeze I should just sneeze on you yes I would welcome it you're welcome the principle is sound to avoid illness expose yourself to germs enabling your immune system to develop antibodies I don't know why everyone doesn't do this maybe they have something against living forever hello this is Dwight fruit hello hello this is Dwight hello hello yes we do have that hold on one second Jim what are you doing and how many would you like uh uh hang that up right now absolutely I can get that out to you immediately this man is an impostor do not do business with him this is not Dwight rud Dwight left his cell phone on his desk so naturally I paired it to my headset okay fine I'll just let a good a voicemail hello this is Dwight hey is this Dwight yes it is oh my goodness you sound sexy oh thank you I've been working out whoa whoa whoa pam pam you are not talking to Dwight right now you are talking to Jim Dwight no Pam I'm over here I'm confused disconnect that right now you give me your earpiece can't do that on sanitary ah okay you know what fine I will reprogram my phone to go to my office phone done is D white oh and I fored his desk phone to mine oh hello mutter good news I've married tell fter such a nice woman spit that out spit okay come on let's go you look cute today D thanks girl so yesterday Dwight found half a joint in the parking lot which is unfortunate because as it turns out Dwight finding drugs is more dangerous than most people using drugs let's go over some of the symptoms of marijuana use shall we you tell me who this sounds like slow moving inattentive dull constantly snacking shows a lack of motivation hey I like the people I work with generally with four exceptions but someone committed a crime and I did not become a lacana county volunteer sheriff's deputy to make friends and by the way I haven't yeah that's no problem bam sure uh-huh bam knock knock I'm on the phone I know you are knock knock you can fax it over yeah 570 5591 7 five L 01 75 thank you bye-bye it really makes us look unprofessional they would never know it was me doing it here we go knock knock who's there Buddha Buddha who Buddha that spread for me what great I I need something to wipe my hand now there's there's butter on my Des thing it was a classic I got a knock neck joke no okay God Michael please please please please please let me all right knock KN who's there KGB KGB V asked the questions what the hell was that what are you doing what are you doing hey hey like stop it stop ity come on what are you doing mine is part of a hilarious joke mine was retribution what are you doing no more knocknock jokes that's it ding dong who's there KGB do I get the door I'm not answering no way it's the KGB I'm not answering that you're going you answer it I'm not going to answer I'm not going to answer it's the KGB the KGB for no [Music] one it's true wow late every day this week we signed CC up for this daycare and it's on the other side of town the traffic why didn't I think of this before did you know that there is a daycare center opening right here in this building is there really now that I own the building I'm looking for new sources of revenue and a daycare [Laughter] center well I guess it's not an evil idea it's just a regular idea but there's no good laugh for a regular idea welcome to the Sesame Avenue daycare center for infants and toddlers you remember my cousin Mo welcome children were you painting in the dark wait is this your place to White oh no no I like to think of it as the kids's place would you like a tour I don't think we really need oh let's take the tour P yeah come on here is the language skills and cognitive development area these are English uh letters I see you found our magical toy box Jim these are actually forks and eyes from the break room Jim to you and me maybe but come on to a child's imagination that's Mr fork and Lieutenant knife and Miss fork and a soy sauce packet that shouldn't have been in there I'm embarrassed don't beat yourself up we come fully equipped with a restroom feeding trough play bucket and room for a plant in success who will be watching the children no one the door locks from the outside Escape is impossible prove it what we're going to head outside just give it a whirl I just want to see how it works oh no no no I I'll tell you this if this works out I think we're looking real good I promise you that door locks I'm sorry you guys have probably noticed my stomach's a little more sensitive lately so if you wouldn't mind wearing a little less perfume and if your lunch is especially pungent maybe have it in the break room we would really appreciate it Pam is constantly throwing up because of the pregnancy if she eats something the fetus doesn't like she is screwed it's amazing a 3 o fetus is calling the shots it's so badass Phyllis um if you could switch to a different soap just for a month or two yours is kind of perfumey now this is getting ridiculous oh gee I'm sorry I guess I missed the meeting where we all voted for you to get pregnant no I reserve the right to peel my hardboiled eggs at my desk all morning I look forward to my afternoon cigars and I am not stopping for for anybody I don't think I'm asking for too much I guess it's just the end of courtesy in the workplace watching people get sick always makes me sick and frankly sod is talking about it so wow you you want to initi want to one of where is my desk that is weird this is not funny this is totally unprofessional okay well you're the one who lost the desk I didn't lose my desk okay calm down where was the last place you saw it okay who moved my desk I think you should retrace your steps okay I am going to tell Michael and this entire office will be punished colder warmer a little warmer there you go o warmer warmer warmer warmer warmer cold cold cold back up ooh ooh warmer hot red hot hot very hot Dwight shud hi Dwight um what sort of discounts are we giving on the 20 lb white Bond jim I've given you this information like 20 times I know it's by the ream uh yeah it is now 978 so it's a discount of 7% okay thank you got to get back to work wash your hands Kevin hey Michael yeah contractions are coming every 10 minutes okay just remember to keep breathing my cervix is ripening okay good Jan is about to have a baby with a sperm donor and Michael is preparing for the birth of a watermelon with Dwight now this baby will be related to Michael through delusion Michael yeah my water's breaking okay okay what do you do what do you do I got a call from Jan and I meet her at the hospital right highways or Surface roads I take Quincy AB to Gibson no Gibson is covered in potholes your car breaks down adapt I checked the route there are no potholes it's about adap to the circumstances Andy would you like to have my baby yes yeah no okay no I'm crowning I'm crowning here we go here we go pressure do it scream it out scream it out scream it out a babies are one of my many areas of expertise growing up I performed my own circumcision just keep pushing hold me I'm right here crle my head here I'm right here I'm screaming I'm screaming I'm screaming just push and breathe numb me up I want anesthesia no you can't have it it's too late no I don't want natur no you have to just push it out okay keep simulating okay do you have the Sharpie keep simulating do you have the Sharpie yes I do okay when the baby emerges mark it secretly in a kind of a Mark that only you can recog and no baby snatcher could ever copy ready yes god wow what was on that butter newborns are slippery nice touch good let's try that again this is going to be the happiest day of my life oh my God I can't believe it I just won an art contest thanks I still don't understand why you wanted me to say that shut up I got her not cold why not coold [Laughter] man hold it new glasses Dwight what a ridiculous Fancy Clown you are I am dressed according to the Sho codes of mourning my Aunt Shirley has died oh Dwight I'm so sorry were you guys close I would say that she raised me but let's not kid each other I raised myself she was however the closest thing I had to a mother my actual mother was very cold and distant I'd say she was the closest thing I had to an aunt my condolences keep them okay now what do we got in these two pales in keeping with Shu custom I will either invite you to Saturday's funeral by sprinkling red fertile dirt in your face or I will ask you to keep a respectful distance during my time of grief with a dusting of black slightly acidic soil what color is it it looks pretty black yep acidic all right oh thank God excuse me I'm so sorry twight and if you want me to be there of course I will go it's just have a personal training session okay that's suck I get r dirt nobody is getting Red Dirt I should have kept my mouth shut we're not even that close I've only known Dwight 12 years 12 years time is a son of a I'm sure I'm sure she's in a better place I really hope so okay now this is crazy you can't make a dirt ball I miss her so much okay you know this year I decided to really get into the spirit of [Applause] [Music] Halloween it may have been the costliest decision I've ever made my greased up head went into the pumpkin no problem but it won't budge I can't get it out try again I mean I I could try destroying the pumpkin no no no but as Jim and I discovered no any blow to the pumpkin itself could prove fatal to me at first I drove myself crazy thinking about the things I should have done differently I never should have played that joke on Aaron never should have hollowed out this damn pumpkin in the first place but then I realized I was being silly I mean the pumpkin should rot off of my head in a month or two right man my delts are blasted I wish they had a chart for how much protein powder to scoop for a 180 lb man with no fat protein powder huh cut it with water why don't you just take estrogen there you go boys see how Papa takes care of you m m i remember when people thought biceps were all that they'd Flex them all night at the Disco tech oh I bet you think it's all about core huh yeah core is critical there are four tenants of Pilates that I live my life by one lanin to elongate listen guys I think we all want to know the same thing right who's the strongest well there's only one way to solve that th girl contest all right here we go everybody May the manliest man win [Applause] go Feast on this leis love the burn burn is where I live come on Gabe you can't handle his hamstrings you're getting hypnotized speed one two here this for your elbows for your elbows quick phone call for you guys keep going eight n hello 10 we got it very funny Jim yeah Jim way to mock us for perfecting our bodies everyone conference room now all right easy there Grandpa okay I don't need your help okay you don't need help here just got you broken arm bo bo broken nose boom boom boom broken nose boom H going to flip you once a year Dwight holds a seminar updating us on the newest developments in the world of karate because as we all know the one thing the thousand-year-old martial arts do all the time is change how can I pose this to you in a relatable way you were all members of the Yakuza and you happen to be visiting the lacana trolley museum and you were attacked by Triads how can you hold them off until your clan arrives you cannot go wrong with a throat punch okay so there's no defense for that good to know no there is a defense for that let me demonstrate someone attack me Kevin go no way last time you pulled my pants down and then you tried to choke me with my shoelace false I did choke you with your shoelace now come at me okay with all due respect to everyone here I think the most worthy opponent of you is you that is correct unless there happen to be measles present so let's just say that Dwight has come at you with the throat punch now how would you Dwight defend against it easy allow me to demonstrate I am attacking myself with the throat punch here it comes block grasp wrist as such and what if he comes at you with the other hand because he does have two good point second throat punch absorb the blow groin punch hip block elbow to the gut uh-oh up to the nose no you're not ah oh oh my God he's me making you look like such a fool he really is but not for long oh God inep not again you let go you let go oh you're right I can't hold on you two are so evenly matched I don't know how one of you is going to get the upper hand the important thing to remember Jim we always have what is called the element of surprise why 20 minutes a day Jim that's all it takes 20 minutes a day all feet no hands and I'll have the petted dexterity of a chimp and you'll be sitting there like an idiot okay here we go yes do you mind I'm sorry Pam allow me to write you an apology letter you don't have to do that d e a o xpace a dear thank you Hans nothing else in the universe can do what you do oh don't worry about it Dwight it's okay you were wrong so hot ah well ay for effort right a damn what was another file going have to reboot [Music] again hey Dwight do you want an Altoid what do you think in school we learned about this scientist who trained dogs to salivate at the sound of a Bell by feeding them whenever a bell rang so for the past couple weeks I've been conducting a similar experiment do I one out okay Al sure P pint yes [Music] what are you doing I what I don't know I my mouth tastes so bad all of a sudden hey hello Jim what's up buddy this is not funny why is my stuff in here wow that's weird ooh dollar for a stapler though that's pretty good yeah well I'm not paying for my own stuff okay I know you did this cuz you're friends with the vending machine guy who Steve yeah Steve his name is I want what do I want ooh pencil Cup oh no no no no no that's my pencil cup um I don't think so I just bought it uh I think so and you're going to hand it over to me I love these okay fine my w oh there it is J1 here you know I many not again bow down before recyclops 5 years ago corporate said we had to start a recycling program for Earth Day so Dwight took the lead on that and introduced us to a very close friend of is named recyclops happy Earth Day everyone I'm recyclops did you know that an old milk carton can be sawed in half and used as a planter the next year he really stepped things up who has put a number seven plastic in a number four bin a year after that recyclops really began to take shape recyclops will drown you in your overwatered Lawns then tragedy struck recyclops when his fictional planet was attacked by some other fictitious thing I can't remember recyclops will have his revenge I think this was also the year that he renounced Earth Day and vowed to destroy the planet he once loved oh my God you guys look it's recyclops recyclops destroy oh it's the day recyclops day yes I thought you were killed by polluticorn or ah picor and wishes ah that's aerosol spray it's terrible for the environment humans are terrible for the environment the thing I like most about recyclops is that he's creating a different world for our child a world where you truly can be anything you want God bless you recyclops and your cold robot heart [Applause] it's kind of blurry that's better question what kind of bear is best that's a ridiculous question false black bear well that's debatable there are basically two schools of thought fact bears eat beats oh Bears beats Battlestar Galactica bears do not what is going on what are you doing last week I was in a drugstore and I saw these glasses uh $4 and it only cost me $7 to recreate the rest of the Ensemble and that's a grand total of $11 you know what imitation is the most sincere form of flattery so I thank you identity theft is is not a joke Jim millions of families suffer every year Michael oh that's funny Michael little help wow your hair is really thinning standing has proven to be healthier increases productivity and just looks cooler picture someone doing something heroic now was he sitting or standing not counting after every second you sit there is an hour off your life look at all of you feel like you're in a suicide cult no no no you're way off on that one are you really comfortable standing there I tried one of those and I just could to find The Sweet Spot hey guys let's just all admit it okay Dwight's better than us he had the guts to stop sitting and he's never ever going to go back on it right that's right Jim hey man hey taking the load off huh no putting a load on more like good luck with that last thing I need is luck thank you so much [Music] what do you up to oh what what are you doing fast give that back come on prank oh that's real creative you know what you're right it's not my best cuz you could easily just bend over and pick that up right I could I just don't feel like a loser because you're sitting standing okay don't because you're sitting standing you know I have to do this I know morning Dwight who are you who am I I'm Jim we've been working together for 12 years we jug Dwight you're not Jim Jim's not Asian you seriously never noticed hey hats off to you for not seeing race all right then Jim uh what don't you tell me about that sale that you made yesterday uh Wellington systems sold them 10 cases of 24lb letter stock or were you talking about Creek or Murphy because I didn't close that one yet but I'm hoping I've got a voicemail from Paul creger waiting for me please enter your password you have one new message how did you no no no no that is sensitive information only for employees not Outsiders do I cut it out I'm trying to work you don't work here you're not Jim Jim I got us that dinner reservation GRE goes 7:30 oh great can't wait Jim's at the dentist this morning and Steve is an actor friend of ours I don't know who you are but you are not Jim this is Jim oh oh how did today is the first day of saber's new project to develop a chain of retail stores I am meeting my new boss Nelly Bertram head of Special Projects work starts at 9:00 saber HQ is 30 minutes away driving the speed limit giving everyone 20 minutes to shower plus 50 for Jim to style his hair 20 for breakfast 40 for Aaron to get lost between her room and the lobby 90 for Ryan to do his morning ecstasy we're already 20 minutes late wake up hey hey hey hey wake up ow why are you sleeping that way oh I was reading the mattress tag and I fell asleep Stanley wake up up you've got to wake up the hotel's on fire Stanley wake up it's pretzel day good morning wake up let's have some fun we're in Florida now hey you I'm so glad this is happening I actually came to your door twice last night come on in the water's fine oh not cool I am on the 2K sleep schedule so I'm up in atam at 4:15 but no kids so I honestly didn't know what to do with myself and then I thought of something uh here is D what the oh man what do you think happened looks like Jim there mixed up with some bad apples oh no no no no it wasn't me we got to find lwanda at the alcohol club oh God [Music]

Channel: The Office

Views: 742,014

Keywords: the office, the office full episodes, rainn wilson, john krasinski, steve carell, michael scott, the office fire drill, jim and dwight pranks, dwight schrute, jim halpert, jenna fischer, the office funniest moments, the office bloopers season 1, the office cpr, the office parkour, Best The Office Moments

Id: QvFgTvIHsPw

Length: 35min 52sec (2152 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 20 2024