Everything Wrong With Jungle Cruise In 20 Minutes Or Less

we can't let you hear it but i never thought there'd be a world where any version of metallica's unforgiven played over the disney logo all legends are born in truth and nearly all movies are born with narration also what the hell does that even mean all villains are tested by yearning all jocks are motivated by trophies all babies are beds and wonder see how easy it is to spew gibberish a single petal from the great tree could cure any illness and break any curse basically this is a setup to another pirates of the caribbean movie and we just happen to have another ride at our theme parks we can use to rebrand it and it gives us an easier explanation for johnny depp not being here of course all of this was covered in the werner herzog film aguirre the wrath of god but he was looking for eldorado which was the lost city of gold kevin kline and kenneth brauno were looking for in that cartoon from 20 years ago why you couldn't just change the name of the explorer is a mystery but okay this famous conquistador was looking for healing petals sure that he was found by the guardians of the tree and nursed back to life that he demanded they give him the sacred arrowhead the key to finding the tears of the moon i know the narration has switched from what we know to the legend of this story but why is it every time someone does all the hard work to find some sort of treasure there's an ancient amulet a purity ring or a blessed pickaxe that they need to go any further whoever is responsible for creating this tree and not making more of them around the world is an i'll tell you what i'm gonna make this tree that will end lots of suffering but i'm gonna make it really hard to find and then you have to go through all the obstacles before you can use it the nigire attacked this is a lot of exposition for a movie about a jungle cruise that will finally unlock the location of paws for dramatic effect yeah this guy is not nearly as smart as emily blunt is and yet she has to sit way up in the rafters somewhere while this dolt gives the speech but you knew you were putting ron burgdy up there and you didn't bother to change the color of the ink when you gave him this pause for dramatic effect instruction so this is on you emily blunt the secretary's gallery is that way that's racist holy sh did she just chloroform that guy anyway unless she spent five minutes forming this dude this wouldn't work so i'm gonna go that route on the senate is this a pink panther movie huh a woman in the reflection of this sword that i clearly saw run away oh well if i don't see her when i turn around it was probably the shroom's talking again [Music] stealing from bad times at the el royale though technically both are doing a twist on indiana jones and the last crusade what is she oh that's the arrowhead they keep talking about and she's stealing it i thought she was a good guy i guess maybe her motto is it belongs at a museum actual attempted murder yeah this is the 1999 mommy movie with a barely there new sheen movie tries to make it seem like it would be difficult to capture someone who was using sliding ladders for transportation i feel like i saw this exact escape by jack sparrow and on stranger tides and at the very least that included an appearance by dame judy ditch who is that woman i don't know who that was what then all we need is a skipper uh although here i'm a good skipper i skip things all the time this is the opening of the lion king again i feel like that was remade only a couple years ago but my memory is short and disney knows that and i wouldn't put it past him to try again so soon i think you should see this i think you need to come take a look at this cliche the rocks you see here in the river are sandstone but some people just take them for granted that dicer from tv sends with a screenplay for this movie also look i realize this is a movie so things are exaggerated but why would this many people take an amazon cruise on a boat that looks 100 years old i'm sure the movie is going to give rock and his boat a han solo falcon relationship and the old baby will always come through for him which is fine but this is 1916. now look even today in 2021 the city of iquitos peru which is the launching point for most of the amazon river cruises is not accessible by road you can only get there by river or airplane now go back to 1916 and do some math on how many people could afford to travel by river or air to iquitos peru and all of them are on this ship right now but the movie wants you to think there's a thriving competitive riverboat business and they all sold out so this boat can only get the cheap customers christ never gotten so far off the intent of my research but still somehow gotten angrier hate hate this movie has a lot of balls to wait 15 minutes to even show its title the only reason lily would have ever been in a newspaper is for stealing out of a museum a museum that was shortly afterwards a murder scene in which she'd be the prime suspect why would the newspaper just put out a story about her looking for the tears of the moon and if you're saying this story came out before all that business at the museum then how does someone get that kind of publicity from a failed attempt if i remember this correctly all she did was submit a paper to him and he rejected it why would there be an article about that this is like a little pinky though nothing i hate to be this person believing paul giamatti should have at least three oscar nominations and at least one win to his name and then see him in a movie like this oh i'm sure he got to pay for a nice house with the check from this movie and i'm happy for him but god damn it can this guy be in something where an academy of some sort can reward him for good work or ignore him again at least he has one prime time emmy i guess but jimmy fallon has four so where does that put us luckily for frank he was able to catch up to nilo just in time to see where he put the key to the boat engine that he locked up he taps this guy's shoulder but why he steals an umbrella from a barrel but the shoeshine guy even looks at him after that and doesn't bat an eye did he even crime it's this easy to get into nilo's office nobody can get there and if they could they wouldn't this is an orgy of evidence that this movie is definitely going to this place i could get you there you literally just said nobody could get there let's do something that's safe so me you and your pants wow they actually thought this joke about lily wearing pants had a super long shelf life in this movie didn't they oh and on top of all this lily is an amazing lock picker it's almost like maybe we didn't need to waste any time with this nilo guy and just made frank the only captain in brazil who's desperate enough to make this trip and be on the adventure already in fact his sport that kind of looks like an altar nah that's a cheap shot boat is old but it in no way resembles an exterior building behind the main house used for shipping and pissing you're never gonna find a faster boat in the harbor than aquila oh my god they really are doing a millennium falcon thing here i was only joking you so we're not even trying to make these animals look real anymore are we also this is one lucky jaguar which just happens to be the name of a reggae band that i just looked up we'll find out later it's frank's pet jaguar but how did he know he'd need her he was in nilo's office looking for a key with no idea he would be mistaken for nilo and lily was already going to hire him so did he just have her outside hiding in a bush somewhere i guess he could have brought her in case he ran into trouble in nilo's office but that means he somehow snuck a jaguar past the whole town to have one at the ready the cgi big cat bar attack goes on for all the subscript wait did i just skip my own all the sum time show so wait did nilo not wonder how frank got this job when his boat shouldn't even be working i would have followed this just to laugh at him and would have discovered he stole the key and stopped him dead in his tracks before he even got the chance to put this engine back in his boat really only in a movie that's bloated and desperate for run time would the hero of the story find herself in a cage full of birds happening only because jack and frank had a disagreement about all of jack's unnecessary baggage which come to think of it this movie could have been called unnecessary baggage and it would have been just fine here's the english woman lay up somebody that was the plan show up with a cage full of birds hope that she asked about them hope that she would walk off the boat to pay for them giving them the chance to put her in the cage are they just being chased by everyone now there were a handful of bad guys a second ago but now everyone seems to be a bad guy all the madcap action from the cairo scene and raiders of the lost ark and almost none of the my guess is she can't swim which is honestly a tired ass movie trope that needs to end but can we talk about how fortuitous the speed and direction of the boat made this gift from god zipline map out perfectly you booked a river cruise and you can't swim that's my line skipper okay but just a second ago the henchman came into todd's quarters to let him know the lady had escaped then the sub goes to the surface but the henchman wasn't wet he didn't swim down to the sub so the sub had to surface pick up the henchmen then dive again wait for the henchman's bad news then resurface that's idiotic [Music] this works dink them and we can recover the arrowhead from the bottom of the river that's the plan this is my engine nobody touches my engine but me this is my man thing nobody touches my man thing but me cliche the fast and the cruisiest frank he's blaming that on frank took over 35 minutes for this movie to property jungle cruise and once it does lily starts writing her notes on colonel gertz and the heart of darkness you know most people smile when they're on camera frank actually not always the case in the early days of cameras it was most common for people to not smile so as to help the portrait have an air sophistication wide smiles were also associated with madness or lunacy in fact it wasn't until the 1920s that smiling on camera became common and this movie is set in 1916 so in your face movie agreements because straight ahead stay on course frank it says on the map that it's possible this argument about which direction to go goes on forever with frank not mentioning until long after the conversation becomes boring that he doesn't want to go the other way because of rapids is no one going to take this camera off the precarious position right on the ledge [Music] he moans putting on cream then she's drawing perfect monkeys from memory and then suddenly the skipper is playing classical guitar what the actual i believe that the legend is real keep hearing people like lily and german jesse plemons state with absolute belief that the tears of the moon exist without any real scientific basis backing it up they just believe man it'd be nice to hear them explain why they believe it's real great timing you brought a jaguar on a small boat and expected it not to be discovered after one day i don't think the jaguar is to blame it's not jesse plemon's fault but every time the movie cuts back to his storyline i find myself nodding off for saying for sake the arrowhead is near you will find it for me let me get this straight given his admittedly few options the prince's plan is to awaken aguirre who is now a bunch of snakes and use the snake network to find the arrowhead one of the prince's research told him this is possible i feel like he could have sent word to bring a plane down to brazil and it could have flown over the amazon to find frank before i'd even consider this also why is the german speaking english to the brazilian snake after a highly adventurous first day absolutely nothing of interest happened on this journey for the next however many days apparently after staring at her necklace cleavage earlier and now i'm paying close attention to the necklace transfer it's clear he's either planning to steal it for his own reasons or has been possibly hired to steal it then she'll probably learn of this after he regrets it but before he has a chance to prove his change of heart to her i want you to bring that to me oh i i didn't think it was literally going to happen in the three seconds after i predicted it i figured we'd dance around it some more but no this is a steam engine vehicle with a rudder it does not handle like a jet ski god damn you want to turn back i really hate this guy not in a he's harassable but lovable kind of way strictly in and i actually hate this guy kind of way we find out later that frank was a giray's amazing cartographer and besides that he knows the amazon like the back of his hand so why is this waterfall a big surprise that is not how physics works i never needed to see people puking in movies audio is enough you also i never need to see cgi animals puking in movies here's an eavesdropping snake probably one of the snakes kirsten dunst's boyfriend released with the river water teardropper back in that scene i wish i could forget i'm sure it's nothing snakes don't speak english anyway right right here's where jungle cruise reveals itself to be a stealth prequel to sinister nothing chilling at the holiday inn stealing again she steals a lot i've tracked a legend to every village every island every show nothing but she never heard this wait did frank give up looking for the tears of the moon because he couldn't find them or is it because he couldn't find the arrowhead because it sounds like he tried to find the tears of the moon without the arrowhead which is the object everyone knows you need to find them movie okay let's do some king kong now why the not they don't fight lily because they're basically just actors and don't want to hurt anybody but they shot her mcgregor and frank with knockout darts before this all started what's to stop them from doing the same thing here why give away the plot lily listen the truth is i didn't get a chance to call this entire thing off how did you even have a chance to call the entire thing on you had 10 minutes to get this expedition started from the moment you got the job and most of that time was used lowering an engine into your boat and you got attacked by germans in a submarine when was there time to orchestrate any of this was there a secret meeting during the time he traveled by map that we didn't see no one will be seated during the scene where a slash explains to our heroine which of the guns n roses albums he considers to be canon you must turn water to stone then mend a broken heart god damn it i don't give a sh about these healing petals anymore let's just discover penicillin already this quest is too hard and not worth it for tears to bloom the great dream must be under the rare crying moon there is one in two days holy sh are you serious god damn that's convenient we'll take it please tell him that he misjudges my determination also my driving skills please tell dr pants is this an 80s sitcom this one is a driver golf and now we're in the ewok village and i want to scream and now we're fighting an army of the dead and i'm so exhausted by this movie's unwavering drive to avoid doing even a single original thing guys i just can't get on board with a white candy man frank frank get it hold on come on movie tries to prove the point that if you insert any character looking at other characters like they're crazy it must make it way more amusing than it would be without them let's try it shall we kingdom behind i just don't understand why this guy is made of bees you get cursed into the amazon forever but if someone wants to pour river water on you you become bees or snakes what is the goddamn function of making a curse that does that ah for sake why don't you just make this a cartoon throw in a few songs pixarify everyone use the same actors if you want but physics this silly demand animation this is that deleted scene from the avengers where loki used the mind stone to control groot it does seem out of place for the avengers but i'm kind of surprised they snuck it into this movie so continue the dumbest curse rules ever so that the screenwriter can give it out to the heroes i would argue that they are no farther from the river than they were two minutes ago but go on with your yeah but she can't stay away from the river forever right she's not gonna walk through the jungle to get to the tree so why don't they use their bee and snake network to find her and follow her i'm roughly 400 years old roughly can you not can you not count that high why roughly frank would you like to bite down on my stick what the hell movie that's literally the title of the fan fiction i just started writing to distract me from watching this movie so what do we do when we need the audience to learn a bunch of backstory all at once just let the rock say it all i don't know do some reshoots silly wig bada-boom bada-bing won't the audience get bored i said ba-da-bing gide was happy because he was closer than ever to finding a cure for his daughter but he grew impatient aguirre demanded they give him the arrowhead this story leaves out a lot like was aguirre asking about the arrowhead before he got impatient was he told any of the rules and why couldn't he simply ask for one pedal to bring home the whole reason for this expedition was to save his daughter then that seems like a reasonable request that he didn't even bother with he went straight from being cured to argument patient without any real reason given i trapped them in a cave where the jungle couldn't take them back to the river i mean all these vines couldn't just drag them all out of the cave or do a relay kind of thing with the other vines in the jungle i think it's kind of weird you give all these magical properties to the jungle but somehow it gets stumped by this i'm wondering why trader sam and mcgregor are out canoeing since mcgregor broke his leg or ankle or something and needs medical attention why couldn't he just get on frank's boat with traitor sam and hang out i'll tell you why because he needs to be captured so the movie can happen your sister and arrowhead were here now i need to know where she is going i'm gonna twist myself into a plot pretzel here because i'm super confused i thought the bee told the prince where lily was going already now there's no way the bee could actually know where she was going because bees didn't follow her but aguirre specifically told the bee guy apparently the bees told him where she was which is virtually worthless unless you somehow luck into finding her brother and threaten to kill the puka-matuna man it's looking bright out here in the amazon river at night are there chandeliers somewhere everything that you see that's new in this world i've seen hundreds of thousands of times no you haven't you've been stuck in the amazon for 400 years how have you seen everything that's new even if you mean stuff that's new to her this is an incorrect statement mcgregor points immediately to the correct place he could have sent the prince on a three-day wild goose chase but no he picked the exact spot why the are these bees still here why haven't they flown back to hive core henry you have to trust me will someone please tell the movie that i'm not speaking to it right now thank you oh no the piranhas start attacking frank even though we know he's immortal and will live through it oh no [Music] nope can't say this out loud like that clue would have led you in any way to the underwater drain you just saw and you guys only figured that out because frank kind of gassed and was right it's a clue that led to a puzzle that wasn't challenging and it had a booby trap that didn't even slow you down in a meaningful way okay so once all the water drains out they can find the crystal skull and that will lead them to one eye willy's treasure luckily for me it's my choice well she shouldn't be because you have very poor judgment emily blunt you know more about the tears of the moon than anyone so you know how to make it bloom my question for the prince is how was he planning on finding all this without her like he was very clearly trying to kill everyone earlier and now he realizes he needs lily and i thought he was a tears of the moon scholar as well since he wrote papers on it now he's just a little red bellock who can't find out anything on his own despite his vast knowledge on the subject you know how to make it bloom you will do this for me this was the last thing my college girlfriend ever said to me we need to fix a broken heart whenever i see a movie like this where the heroes have to solve puzzles and find artifacts to make magical totem of some sort come to life i wonder was it always this way did someone create the tree of life and then invent a series of puzzles to find it and operate it or did they discover that the tree of life worked this way i know movies don't give a about this and you've probably already fallen asleep during this sin but these things have never made sense to me they are adventures that could only exist inside a movie where crucial details are left out so that we don't think too deeply about it but i'm thinking deeply about it [Music] broken i would remove every sin if they broke this arrowhead apart and it ruined the entire adventure because they weren't supposed to do that [Music] man i don't see what any of this has to do with the declaration of independence this penal force gums its way straight to frank's hand this is yet another mindlessly staged and edited action scene pretty much in the dark filled with cgi i almost didn't say anything about it because it's such a boring meaningless fight it almost made me too lazy to add us in for it almost is it just me or is this trip to the entrance to the cave taking way longer than it took to enter the cave and get to the tree earlier this is like that super long runway and fast and furious 6 that went through 18 zip codes before it ended my brother's blade cuts deepest contradicting sheryl crow give me the battle why don't you just take it you cgi cat you're not even real uh please deposit two more pedals jesus christ this magical healing pedal took forever to break this curse why the does it take so long does it need to kill all your hopes and dreams first [Music] what the actual did the moon go past the moon door then step back as if it needed to confirm it saw a naked lady in the shower and wasn't just imagining it the is this extra bullsh by the way you we'll have to climb this tree again to get this goddamn thing now oh yeah remember when paul g amadi looked like this movie's villain and then he just disappeared for almost the entire film the amazing spider-man 2 him again it was brighter on the amazon at night than it is in this lecture hall during the day why does london look like an old-timey version of free city not the beast you

Channel: CinemaSins

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Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, movie review, jungle cruise, everything wrong with jungle cruise, jungle cruise reaction, jungle cruise funny, jungle cruise outtakes, the rock, emily blunt, dwayne johnson, jungle cruise trailer reaction, jungle cruise trailer, jungle cruise movie, jungle cruise review

Id: KDbg3u-W4nU

Length: 19min 40sec (1180 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 21 2021