Everything Wrong With Jumanji In 17 Minutes Or Less

man they sure did go all in on the make the kids look dirty make up did they dig that hole with their faces don't worry it's just a pack of wolves I mean they'll only tear us limb from limb if they get any closer but this board game is super scary so let's continue we see throughout the film that the game lures players in with it's hypnotizing drum beats but why do it now when no one is around to hear all yours the kid clearly wrote across when it said don't walk plus aren't you supposed to walk your bike across the street I'm just saying bill should have at least given Allen a stern talking-to for all these bullies seriously hiding out behind the statue in anticipation of Allen riding by how do they know his schedule so well this is an absurd amount of reconnaissance to plan an otherwise standard nerd beating come on kid his actual name is Parrish prepare to perish perish was just sitting there for you and you completely missed it cause you should know better than to let the boy playing human Sam admonishes Carl for letting Allen play in the factory after telling Allen the factory isn't a playground when all Allen is doing is literally just standing around and talking just French not anymore so you're saying she's my girlfriend now sweet wait why do you still look angry yeah the Jessup gang proceeds to beat up Allen outside his father's shoe company even though they were clearly adults milling around in the background just seconds before who could intervene at any moment I haven't seen this many negligent adults since I watched all 103 episodes of Teen Mom silly takes off on Allen's bike but who gets Billy spike does he just leave it there does one of the other bullies take it with them that means there should be a kid in that mix who's walking two bikes home and I'm not seeing it Hey look it's a disheveled bloodied kid casually walking into a hardhat construction zone guess we should all just go about our business then [Music] this dude wanted a child dig some sort of ancient box out of the side of a construction site but doesn't do or say about it I guess he's still on his Union mandated coffee break what was that you order to of course I heard it besides the hair color this movie may have set the record for kids that looked the least like their eventual adult selves I found this really weird game in the factory a game there was no way that Alan fit that game into his suitcase especially since he had all that food stashed in there before he even packed it all so I thought Alan was super psyched to run away and the appearance of Sarah didn't even deter it but now he's ready to abandon the entire plan just to play this game how much hole does this thing have over him the CEO with money to munch roll credits you roll the dice to move your token doubles gets another turn and the first player to reach Han wins you want to play I understand there's some magical influence here but this sounds like a boring game the instructions just say to roll the dice and move you so why would Alan be so excited about playing board games five years ago what was behind Sarah's hilariously specific board game embargo did she have a dramatic Candyland incident was there an ankle injury related to chutes and ladders these bat holes wait to attack simmer until after Alan's turn and after he's sucked into the game probably because they've been trained in cinematic timing yeah they're terrifying and definitely a nuisance but these bats aren't doing jack to Sarah except flying around maybe they're trying to teach her about becoming a symbol of hope to a crime riddled city or something like that damn it Lily you just showed the year on the first two time periods but now you're expecting me to do math and figure out what the data is I was told there would be no math I'll have to get a locksmith out for this one spooky mansion comes complete with it's very own locked mystery door that the realtor lady just didn't feel the need to unlock or break down herself before selling it to somebody I'm going to Motel sex this is Tom Beaudette and we'll leave the product placement on for you that's an African bat some kids said she saw a bunch of those back in the sixties really moving 26 years later in a random expositional exterminator happens to remember some kids saying she saw the same kind of bat what's worse is that it's not even exposition we need also how does a kid scared out of his mind give detailed enough information to identify the species of a winged creature of death that came after the let alone two kids 26 years apart also if the bat that Peter saw was one of the ones Sarah saw back in 1969 how is that bat still alive 26 years later do all the animals that come out we lived forever do they have the ability to reproduce that's on I worry about a literally bat enthusiast in scary attic with two underage children feels the need to up the creep factor 211 by telling the story of another minor who was murdered and dismembered and probably buried somewhere in the house because who doesn't love frightening children Lilith was able to get this place in tip-top shape by herself within a day notice how a monopoly is at the bottom of the other stack that's because Monopoly much like Jumanji tears people's lives apart back in 1869 they had to bury the out of this game to prevent it from endangering anyone else but it's been hanging out up here for 26 years without any problem until now sure it's a cool box but there's no way the kids would know that this game is the source of the drumming noise that terrified the mere moments ago it's gotta be microchips or something yes the progress of Technology joke is cute but how exactly would microchips do this it's clearly magnetics whether you're a kid from the 60s or 90s and learned it from mr. wizard or mr. Nye the Science Guy we all know this be magnets how did they know to look for information from the magic green circle there was no reason for them to be leaning in here or really to assume anything is about to happen those mosquitoes are the size of birds if the bats are genuine African bats and later we see other real animals why do the mosquitoes get the growth hormones when the others don't Judy Knox one mosquito out the window and the other two mosquitoes follow mosquitoes aren't hive mind insects they just kind of do their own thing why do the two mosquitoes follow the first one out the window when there are two easy targets standing right in front of them this will not be an easy mission monk you slow the expedition why does he grab the dice here I'm guessing there's some BS story reason he needs to have them but why in this instance of monkey panic would he think he would need them with him also all the other times the players roll the dice something's happened to them but on Peters turn the monkey show up in the kitchen sure they eventually go down there to check out that noise but basically they could have kept playing upstairs with little consequence Jesus Christ these murderous marauding monkeys man wait let me get this straight he grabbed the dice so that 60 seconds later they could look at them and remember they were playing a game I know I send the dice grabbing once but here's another sin for having such an unnecessary and flimsy reason I didn't see this part and apparently no one else did either by the Judy Peter Alan and Sarah not look at the only other written text on this game that's not like there was a 40 page instruction manual instructions say if we finish the game it'll all go away we've only had mosquitos and monkeys so far why not stop the game here before it gets worse unless the animals are completely indestructible and pervious to animal control monkeys and a few giant mosquitoes seem pretty easy to manage right sure later on we discovered the mosquitos are making people sick but duty doesn't know that it takes movie nearly 30 minutes to finally Mork mom and dad this house has been empty for years wait this isn't a big leg situation where Alan wakes up as a grown man he's been living inside the game for 26 years I could clearly note the passage of time sure he'd be looking for his parents when he came back but he would totally know that it's been a long while since he left looks like Alan never outgrew his running out into a busy street without looking habit when it comes to the monkey CGI in this movie I'm guessing the CG stands for a complete garbage also is this a standard police procedure for shotgun storage loaded safety off and vertically stored this is to fight off all those sudden car top killers I've been hearing about Aunt Nora seemed to think the theists town to ever exist is the perfect place for her bed and breakfast when his kid ran away Sam put everything you had into trying to find him I don't think anybody loved his boy more than Sam did random homeless dude is extremely knowledgeable about the family dynamic between Sam and Alan the parish is still around I see him now and then they're over on Adams Street I really hope this quarter clarified off screen that Alan's parents are actually in the cemetery on Adams Street because if you didn't then that's a dick move sir ooh nice boots mrs. Thomas but don't you want something a little comfier for the ambulance ride that's more like it is Alan the seasoned vet at fighting all the creatures in the game Laura see this comic relief he was a badass when facing down the lion earlier but now he's freaked out about a bug realtor ladies car keys were left in the ignition and her car in the middle of the road the guys in the ambulance call for any kind of backup to get the wreck cleared away or do a few giant mosquitoes get the same martial law treatment as a zombie apocalypse yeah but what happened to the giant mosquito that was locked in the windshield it just flew away after being previously obsessed with biting these even though there's a literal lion somewhere in the house Alan and therefore movie has time for this whoa did they have a barber training course and Alan's jungle coz that's a pretty stellar self cut I've seen things you've only seen in your nightmares ah so Alan saw an early cut a Bicentennial man it's not my time this turn is it Sarah Whittle so let me get this straight with one roll of the dice Alan lost 26 years of his life but Sarah just got briefly chased by a few bats that lived a fairly normal life traumatized life but what happened to the bats I didn't put anyone else in town this place gives me the creeps said Peter staring up at what was probably the nicest looking house in the neighborhood you killed her character gets shocking news and immediately passes out cliche well he really feels like this was a 90s thing doesn't it look I know that they've got to have Sally to play the game but did they really need to kidnap her from her own home also sure it was shocking for her to see how alive but they didn't drug her right she stayed passed out on this entire trip back to the parish house my father could barely hug me let alone company into pieces not quite sure your syllogism is valid since you're a presupposition of fathers who don't hug don't dismember is likely untrue we started playing a little game now just a few minutes ago Alan was lecturing the kids about how dangerous this game is how impossible it is to win but now he tracked down Sarah kidnaps her and forces her to play the game Jesus this movie's unexpectedly dark did I miss a plum house logo at the beginning of this movie harvest time wait that's it they just had to free Peter from the one pod and the vine system to get out of the immediate danger what the hell are the actual rules for this game and one role you can get just a brief but ultimately harmless vegetation attack and in the next one you're banished to the jungle for 26 years oh my god I won this Karl been looking for his crusier Alan and the kids have gone to the factory discovered his parents are dead still in a car taking a nap went through the lecture about how dangerous this is went to find Sarah kidnapped her and then fought the magical vine but Carl's just now finding his car okay I'll buy that nobody's heard the monkeys in the lion messing around inside but no one hears it reports these gunshots I take Carl driving up to the scene for anyone to recognize what's going on Carl gets in his car and drives away without securing the area calling for backup or calling in the report of a strangely dressed dude destroying his cruiser with a very large gun in a residential neighborhood we wouldn't has called me crazy ever since I told the cops that you were sucked into a board game so you changed your last name and didn't leave town and didn't change houses either and while we're headed are you even a real psychic if you are surely you would have predicted this Andy didn't in addition to training at Juilliard robin williams attended the prometheus school of running away from things now anyone asks you didn't get this here you're not a postal worker are you and some of these jokes have really not aged well so Alan tracked this bird based on just knowing it would go towards water and he somehow found it this quickly and there was absolutely nothing wild about that goose chase a pelican chase or African Pelican thing chase okay fine maybe living in the jungle 26 years taught you this skill but convenient fish is still convenient so how did this four survive as a kid inside the Jumanji jungle this kid gets beat up by sixth graders chance did he have against all the creatures that live inside the game let's go have we had any indication of this sudden dynamic between Alan and Peter I mean I guess he's supposed to be a father figure that didn't have a good enough example or something but this is totally manufactured considering they've been essentially equals in this movie so far every time there's trouble I remain to you I don't know what you're talking about all right I'm taking you away forever eat I'm you mean like the two times because currently there is a much trouble going on and neither are those times had anything to do with anything Alan did how are these animals still stampeding together I mean not sure of the ground speed velocity of an African zebra but I'm guessing it's not the same as the elephants and rhinos with or without coconuts monkey Peter survives this VanPelt strides purposely toward the sir sav-a-lot light this is all part of the plant even though he's new to town and from a very different time period entirely and the building offers no clear advantage to what he's trying to accomplish this works now what are we gonna do why officer Carl here just let you go and was on your side what on earth is there to gain from locking him to his car goddammit not only are these monkeys able to operate the clutch of this motorcycle despite none of them being able to reach it they've also figured out how to operate the siren these monkeys and the bike they wrote in on serie and the kids are able to pull off this home alone style trap for Van Pelt despite zero communication with each other also this is a moderately sized department store and they're being tracked by an experienced big-game hunter but whatever bring on the prat balls I could've shot you at any moment then why didn't you you didn't roll the dice monkeys are screwing with everyone that Peters the one that rolled them the giant mosquitoes didn't seem to care who they were stinging Judy rolled the Stampede and it's hang up home town there is no reason for Van Pelt to have such a huge killing boner for Alan ah remember the 90s when we all thought things chaotically crashing into lots of other things was hilarious and exciting yeah me neither how do you escape certain death when you've painted yourself into a corner a latex machina of course where's Peter [Music] great really I mean giving the amount of crazy that's happened this is arguably the best case scenario Peter just has some extra hair for the moment and all they have to do is finish the game to reverse it [Music] why would you get out of the car all right another lazy setup for a not funny gag involving a monkey also you know for a stampede these animals are really good about staying on the road we're gonna go in here we're gonna finish that cake is there some rule that they have to play the game in the same location this game has more unexplained rules than that special room at my grandma's house I'm not saying this magical vine couldn't compact this police cruiser like this I'm just saying why would it want to and also that it couldn't every month at the quarter moon there'll be a monsoon in your Lagoon that's less of a riddle and more like a straight-up there's a monsoon coming this is what happens when you let the writers assistants take the wheel Jumanji can I ask why these idiots keep waiting for the consequences to show up before rolling again I feel like if they just rolled one after another they could have been finished before the first drop hit the ground king hell man the game promised a monsoon not a mutant crocodile everything else has been extremely specific about the threat hang on the Stampede basically takes out an entire wall of this home earlier how did this water even collect Oh looky here did the game manifest a helpful stagehand Alan you wrestled an alligator for me it's a crocodile alligators don't have that little fringe and link rather than kiss the love interest Alan chooses demands playing the difference between alligators and crocodiles also Alan will be excellent at cinemasins despite the water being everywhere in the house this room is bone dry never thought I'd find the effects in flubber to be fantastically realistic but compared to this it's a masterpiece but why are they giant make up your mind game actual animals or monster versions this ax gag was actually pretty clever so please Peter monkey tail ruin it by breaking the fourth wall thanks geez he just sunk into the floor below why didn't he just fall all the way through the quicksand then sure it'd be a pretty high drop but it's better than getting stuck in the floorboards considering the amount of hair on these hands I guess Alan was also cursed with the monkey virus Van Pelt's coat of many colors makes sense unless you remember that paint is not pre-mixed all of that paint that fell on him should have appeared white as Alan makes his final roll now is as good a time as any to recognize exactly how little this movie has cared about game continuity in fact I actually rode a 917 word detailed diatribe listing 23 cases of game board mistakes pieces moving backwards on the wrong spaces jumping to other players tracks and not adding up including the fact that this three that Alan just rolled will only get him within six spaces of the finish at best but instead of putting you through all that piers to one three sins plus 15 for the time I spent on it and another 25 because any and all of it would have been super easy to keep track of you lazy mathematically challenged slapstick loving continuity shunning holes of asses isn't this bullet a real-world bullet I with the game pull it back in yes I know the game is reversing all the consequences but it's only pulling back the things that released in the accurate version Alan takes the bullet to the head Sarah screams a nightmarish scream but they both still wake up in 1959 just a tad bit more traumatized oh great gravy on mashed potato Mountain time travel if you can't even handle the rules of its own game let alone the complexity that goes along with resetting a time line gone five minutes five minutes hope this is a terrible estimation on Sam's part because even before getting sucked into the game Alan had time to finish his meal and pack all the things to prepare to run away talk to Sarah at the door and start playing the game which would take much longer holy smokes Alan they're not there how does she know without going up to the attic to check game can literally reset time and counter people and animals out of thin air surely transporting Judy and Peter to 1969 isn't outside the realm of possibility here just go freaking look to be sure jeez kids say hi to mr. mrs. perish in the original timeline the kids moved to this small town because their parents died in Canada but how did they end up here in this timeline it's not like Alan could reverse-engineer their origins he didn't even know their last name there gonna be a debate now about whether or not Jumanji is a Christmas movie because I'm sick of that die hard I swear to God if Dwayne Johnson isn't wearing a beret and eating croissants at a sequel I'm calling bull so same buddy wanna play Parcheesi good why don't you live in it I did I wouldn't be Who I am today if it weren't for my years there but I don't want your life how about Peter and I play and you just sort of watch thanks I've seen it this is not a democracy it's a Qi rock receipt oh yeah beautiful don't touch the purple means to shoot poisonous Barb's watch out they spit sink into the floor smile my boy sunrise the price is wrong because

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 4,750,265

Keywords: cinemasins, movie, everything wrong with, review, wave jockey job, eww, mistakes, cinema sins, jumanji, robin williams

Id: WfB_JyAr5tE

Length: 18min 19sec (1099 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 14 2017