Everything Wrong With Rampage In 16 Minutes Or Less

[Music] reading lots of reading like Blade Runner levels of reading well I love the escape capsule when you secure the samples which means you'll definitely be dead after the first scene they really missed a chance to cast Drew Barrymore in this role I liked had they hired a person to write this movie about giant animals destroying cities and that person's first thought was space obviously wow I didn't think anyone would be able to challenge the quality of the CGI and Geo storm but you proved me wrong movie that escape pod is travelling in an extremely specific straight and convenient line for her to be able to witness the station's destruction through this tiny ass window with basically Steadicam view to Mun g3 welcome to the rampage Oh pink connor and so begins what is roughly 936 progressively louder roars of dominance can someone to a supercut of these replaced by me sighing during the CID narration the thought of that happening almost makes watching this movie bearable it's not gonna kill you he has a unique sense of humor I know this has played for laughs but the lack of information about George could seriously have killed Connor I know he's a dill weed and all but you don't have to play with his [ __ ] life he's in your troop now I want you to welcome it but not badly enough to wait until you can turn around and can see me signing this information movie has time for this starting using this new vegan deodorant how's that like guacamole ladies and gentlemen written by three screenwriters and Carlton Cuse is he driving it's like an SUV got monochromatic and then added tractor wheels I can't even tell what this is overcompensating for Jesus Christ do you mean that even though that tiny-ass escape pod exploded they made these canisters to be impervious to re-entry pickle a movie either you're gonna try and make a somewhat believable origin story for the rampage and later on or you're just gonna blow toxic smoke up our asses huh these canisters seem to be actively selecting wildlife preservations for their landing spots George clearly attended the Alien franchise school of touching alien things is this seriously all the Divine's of the gorillas from the grizzly bears like couldn't either species figure out how to lift an easily movable lever to open the door how does this confrontation not happen before even by accident is he gonna shoot the giant white ape through the rock I know you thought you blocked this well enough so it would look like he was pointing the gun at the ape and not the rock but you did not block this well enough go back and do it again you'd better come take a look at this cliche we're doing the morning rounds and on this their morning rounds these [ __ ] were completely green yesterday and are working in an extremely unstable environment for anyone other than Davis but they're allowed to check the grounds by themselves now awesome someone thought to use protection while picking up a foreign possibly alien container of a possibly hazardous substance sure nobody has on even the most rudimentary safety equipment but hey at least he's using a plastic bag what is it it's a tesseract I mean an Allspark I mean I'm only err I don't know gotta figure it out do you like do you gotta figure it out why not the authorities or scientists you immediately tell about this and hand this over to why can't they got to figure it out somebody finds that sample it leads straight back to us jason sudeikis his little brother would be excellent at cinema since putting the actual rampage arcade game in your Rampage movie based on that game even if it's only a quick Easter Egg breaks the fabric of your movie space-time continuum all to help there's no reason we were doing these experiments in space and it was exactly for the betterment of humanity this implies you were doing them in space because they are illegal and that's an incredibly stupid reason to spend tens of billions of dollars on a space station he's such a badass he literally drives with an unholstered handgun in his right hand I mean why do you even need to put scars on his arm and hand at that point scars Mars he was driving with a gun in his hand when the scene opened we learned they are in Colorado in Colorado is very similar to Wyoming in terms of terrain it's literally right above Colorado so close that I find it hard to believe dufus here has never been to Wyoming but even if he hasn't living in Colorado this close to Wyoming should mean it doesn't need to be told what Wyoming is like so you just wanted some banter that sounded clever and let one of these meatheads call another one of the meatheads an animal and have everyone laugh while the chopper takes off like this is exactly the kind of thing we started making these videos about because it's lazy and it gives the appearance of being a screenplay when it's really just bad junior high writing I don't know what this person is studying I mean damn this lady's got genetics books lying literally all over her apartment dramatic video of a fireball it is thought to be debris from last night's athena one tragedy it's unclear if this is related to one of the parks guerrillas escaping the enclosure at the sanctuary earlier this morning there's a lot of exposition crammed into a local news broadcast that would definitely be more focused on the giant space station explosions that is not great so can we get to some goddamn rampaging already I mean this oh please tell me you have that tested for residual particulates yeah right lady we do science a little differently around these parts demonstrating levels of aggression you don't see in his species but that whole first scene in the wildlife sanctuary was all about the gorilla aggression right but grizzly bear the most powerful terrestrial predator on the planet how do you determine the most powerful terrestrial predator is it jaw strength how long it can go without eating kick strength how much it can benchpress I don't doubt a grizzly is a bad mother but in defense of the Lions Silverbacks Crocs boa constrictors and hippos of the world we need to set some firm criteria before just summarily defining the grizzly as the most powerful predator you familiar with CRISPR yeah genetic engineering it's more like genetic editing check this out extremely intelligent geneticist immediately turns to Wikipedia to tell Davis about genetic editing because it's got pictures of sharks along with increased size speed and agility the CRISPR edits also turn you into a jump scaring dick see in a better movie I might remove ass in here for causing a good laugh but the problem here is science fiction that is trying to be grounded in the real world this isn't The Simpsons so now I have to assume that has literally happened before and that makes me angry I like this movie the first time I saw it when it was called rise of the mighty Joe skyscraper hurry what do you think if the deer were spooked then why the are they running to the giant wolf and not away from it I know the wolf's been super juice for power and speed and all that bull but is there something in that gas that makes a giant monster completely silent until they're ready to pounce Tom Cruise would have landed it I bet brother I'm gonna prance myself right out on the limb and guess what no one's ever accused you of being a people person I bet you take these cuffs off and you find out yourself booby slips in some rejected Hobbs and Shawn dialog because hey free dialog Army Special Forces what are you some kind of international man of mystery exposition timid Asian also oh I love how they have to keep making up military and/or professional sports backgrounds for all the characters The Rock plays because he's just too damn Jack to play a normal dude that sedative is gonna become an effective long before we're back on the ground but Keith doesn't know where they're going damn I wish I had a sedative to knock me out for the rest of the movie weirdos on the Internet cone him Ralph what even is this movie weirdos on the internet or calling him Ralph did 13 what I'm sure were glorious months in our beautiful Greenville Federal Correctional Institute I am guessing by the look on the big fellas face but this is all news to him who cares sure Kate told Hobbs that she worked at energyne but she never specified went and even though they don't know if there's an antidote for sure she's the best one to create it also I'm gonna add ten sins for Jeffrey Dean Morgan spur Foreman sear he's obviously trying to ham it up as the cowboy government spook with a morally ambiguous backstory but it's so goddamn obvious that it's free greeting lucky for us this building has some of the most powerful radio antennas in the I had our team modify this one last night so not only are they using the Sears Tower as a transmitter to call the Monstars out they were able to get that done in one night so let's talk about the evil lady's plan she was engineering genetically modified super creatures in space but just in case that station exploded and the serum somehow made it back to earth and came in direct contact with animals that then became super animals they pre-programmed the serum to create a reaction in the eventual possible super animals so that a low-frequency radio signal would draw them to it like the Pied Pipers flew and now she's gonna broadcast that signal from the top of the Sears Tower Goff Willis stands to draw the super animals to the top of the Sears Tower do I have that right I mean yeah giant rampaging eight but should you really fire a machine gun on an airplane but also how the many machine gun bullets can this four take before he goes down yes they modified his DNA and something-something regeneration but he's still a god Annie right he's taking at least 50 bullets in the last minute he should be dead man it sure is good they have the one primatologist that also just happens to be a retired Special Forces badass imagine if they've taken this trip with light colored pink Connor last night I had a dream that Darth Vader came down from the planet Vulcan and told me if I tried to explain the last two minutes of this movie to you it would melt my brain George survives this how the hell did the other two catch up with Kate she jumped a full minute before they did and the plane was still dropping straight down so either she should be much higher or much lower than that he's wounded but he survived a plane crash okay at this point we can just assume George is a combination of King Kong the honk and a cast member of The Fast and Furious franchise I my grandpappy always said those [ __ ] gotta stick together internal cinema since corporate motivational mantra ends up in a movie script see that was quite the fireball why is it more of this corn on fire right now despite people so much me tell you something I've fought in wars all over the world ah exactly what I needed in my arcade game adaptation about large animals smashing buildings on abundance of backstory but also the flashback of the rock working as a un-backed stealth animal conservation ninja killing poachers and discovering baby George would have been a much better movie than this one good thing George doesn't feel the same way about people skip it sounds like a plan whew glad we wrapped up this conversation right before the plot convenience chopper showed up the bastards are never late these two know more about these creatures than anyone on this planet do they though the rock only knows George and it's already been said many times that he's morphed enough that he's not the same anymore and Kate tried to destroy the weaponized DNA serum and hasn't been with the company since and that was a couple years ago and I'd argue plenty of people at the company know more than her Colonel you have to evacuate Chicago he says this with the earnestness of someone that actually thinks it's possible to do that a few minutes time this operation is gonna go south fast we have to get to Chicago you're gonna do that no one else can do is he gonna talk George down at this point are you going to instantly find the cure after breaking into energyne headquarters oh never mind that's exactly what's gonna happen isn't it let's not do this thing I'm gonna have to knock you out and then you look at me I'm gonna choke you out so bad you're gonna urinate yourself you see the rock can be intimidating charming charismatic and funny when he's given good material so stop giving him this rampage baywatch furious bulls and let him be him I'm so pissed about this that rather than removing a cinema add five more they probably have a grounded medevac chopper at the hospital that's why you always bring a doctor what do you mean someone didn't see San Andreas copy that wait Harry toss them a cell phone and said I'll be in touch they got on the helicopter and minutes later he calls from a cell phone to the choppers radio does the military medical chopper have an iPhone dock that syncs with the vehicles radio and if it somehow does which it does not why would he know about it or how to use it this might be the wonky as' thing in this movie and that's saying something they're never gonna get everyone out of the city in time I can't even believe they got this many military vehicles into the city this fast why the hell are they flying in from the north side of the city they were coming in from due south of the city and we're told monster if we're making a direct beeline for the tower did they want a quick flyover tour Wrigley Field before they joined the fight this might be the stupidest movie I have ever seen where is one off one it bouncer awesome but what about warthogs two through fifty he didn't just send one complaint in there did you where are we with the evacuation 50% downtown sir you here comes the giant croc no one but the audience knows about imagine if they hadn't spoiled him with heavy foreshadowing this could have actually been a cool moment it's important to stretch after a long trip well that sucks movie surprisingly includes footage of the Rock's initial reaction to the first cut of this movie I thought they were being drawn to the signal and would stop at nothing until they stopped the signal why are they wasting so much time rampaging right now other than the title of the movie well hmm can't argue with that they can't stop them we got to get that okay first of all you knew this already that's why you stole the helicopter and came here so I don't know why you spent so much time watching this rampaging and then felt the need to restate the reason you're here I still don't know why you went straight from sending one warthog to drop the near nukes and skipped right over this send a bunch of warthogs at once because when that thing first opened fire on the ape and the wolf look like them's hurt because the animals ran for cover instantly I'm just saying I thought oh no who would ever have expected the super-secret lab to have a locking mechanism curse of technology everything in the lab is on one system the FBI would never have thought to confiscate a thermostat um yeah they would they'd be able to detect Network connected devices and they saw season four Silicon Valley there's a backdoor another server there's a backdoor into the server well one single shot to the right abdomen not definitely killed him so nothing else to do here here took him long enough god this is so dumb why did Claire wait this long to leave knowing the Sears Tower is exactly where the monsters are coming and every news crew in the world is covering this and the antidote was sitting in the lab the whole time feeding a monster what the straight-up murder also how do you know the antidote canister will open inside her bag inside the ape how do you even know he's gonna eat her since the last human he screamed at he threw off the building also also with Malin Akerman character gone I guess all those Watchmen fans will have to wait a little longer for the on screen Silk Spectre to comedian reunion you know these monsters have had no issue taking down entire buildings and wrecking all kinds of why the hell's it taking so long for them to break off the antenna of the tower Suicide Squad said no movie has ever demonstrated more luck in surviving chopper crashes than our movie and rampage said hold my beer holy I forgot all about this fin bomber how far away did that thing launch from England well it was always going to end with George saving the day of course now that he's fighting the other two it's just another giant ape movie oh Jesus in Christ on a Saltine I really hope they include this scene when the Academy eventually gives Dwayne Johnson a Lifetime Achievement Award things rocks projectiles monsters excitement also remember when he got shot the torso and was super Limpy and wheezy yeah and neither does the movie and this alligator [ __ ] really must want to savor his rock candy [Music] why is this movie making like he's gonna die from this he regenerates goes did you read you own George somehow understands this even though we've long since abandoned the use of sign language during this fight oh yeah just a random perfectly functional a fully loaded military chopper sitting with an easy running distance pointed right at my target you mess with my friend you mess with me mother can pg-13 movies please stop doing this I'm begging you Jesus Christ this is like the fourth ex machina the last five minutes alone again the movie is playing at the idea that George might die it's offensive really read your own [ __ ] script he regenerates George finally reveals what the movie has been giving us for the last 98 minutes well I can tell you right now we're not gonna put him on a plane ha ha ha the entire loop area Chicago along with countless lives have been gruesomely destroyed over the last half hour ha ha ha this is a dumb movie that's really bad honestly still liked it better than school island this is my sandbox I'm not allowed to go in the deep end he might be okay no probably No got a dog new Newark you're crazy I like you you should I have a bad feeling about this mission please elaborate that's the same feeling I had about Mardi Gras 1987 our team is the elite of the elite with the heart soul of this very Beach my family is the only thing that matters to me right now [Music] George George George George of the jungle stone yes he can't be

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 4,297,080

Keywords: wave jockey job, rampage, rampage game, mistakes, eww, video game, cinemasins, cinema sins, the rock, everything wrong with, movie

Id: rv3SRQ8zEDM

Length: 16min 7sec (967 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 21 2018