Everything Wrong With Raiders of the Lost Ark In 16 Minutes Or Less

this fade from paramount logo to actual mountain is [ __ ] sweet and the logo is only like eight seconds long someone saw the brady bunch hawaiian two-part special when this guy runs away do all the other people who are with them run away too there are at least five people besides india in this group but after this it's just these two dudes including magnolia's alfred molina poison is still fresh three days they're following us why would the poison dirt you just found indicate that they're following you if anything you're following them if they knew we were here they would have killed us already i see coincidental poison dart then this is somewhere between southern chile and northern colombia hang a ride at the gas station you can't miss it completely eligible map is completely illegible also i mean god damn that is four u's mcdonald's napkins not a map that [ __ ] is [ __ ] useless this guy takes no caution in cocking his gun in the presence of indy like maybe [ __ ] the gun somewhere else so that it doesn't give you away where the [ __ ] did these spiders come from this was the shot we saw just before spider-man 2's alfred molina made him aware are they jumping down from the ceiling and i guess more spiders jumped on species alfred molina because they know he's up to no good you gotta watch spiders man their nature's bad guy detectors know that i have nothing but love for this movie it's an all timer but how does an ancient people rig up a motion sensor booby trap like this and did the booby trap reset itself after indy's rival got killed how does the whip tie itself around this log when sturdy enough to support a man's weight when we see from the other side it's somehow gotten around the log three times that's from one flick of the wrist one of the things that makes this movie awesome is how little dialogue or explanation this opening scene gives you it's largely just watching the action of them solving a riddle if it were made today the entire first segment would be full of stupid one-liners back and forth most of it being about cultural misunderstandings that dart could so easily have just hit him if he hadn't been holding the thing in the perfect spot he had no idea what might happen or that it would be a dart or that the dirt would hit the wooden dongle instead of his eyeball honestly if avoiding these brown vagina tiles is all it takes to not trigger the booby trap then this all seems pretty easy he releases sand from the counterweight by eyeballing the weight of the idol which is just beyond ballsy now i wonder how long it took to build this glorified storage unit and how they tested it out this tribe built a whole temple where you had to avoid a solar booby trap play pitfall avoid poisonous darts and then finally if you get to the idol you set off an alarm that causes the whole thing to self-destruct and unleashes a boulder as a last gasp to trap you inside forever all through this ugly thing these auto worshipers thought of everything when it came to booby traps but they did not factor in the speed of a man as he runs across the poison dart lobby [Music] ford says sapito here when the name of the character is satipo and even the subtitles confirm it should have been satipo during this entire time we see the boulder it's moving at speeds that should trample indie but due to the magic of editing india is always several steps ahead so here is the wall of webs that indy and boogie night's off from elena encountered earlier as you can see the exit from the cave is pretty far away in this shot but here it's just a couple of steps and a dive away how good is indy he's about to outrace a group of this jungle's natives that's really good and he tells jock to start the engines and we see jock look up and notice indy running from all the natives but then we see indy running towards a thick area of jungle with no water in sight and we see him grabbing a vine to swing into the water surrounded by more thick jungle how the [ __ ] did jock see him or even hear him andy runs into the woods and the trailing native guy fires an arrow 100 feet above indian to the trees all these blowers and no one was able to land a climax i mean a kill shot oh and the [ __ ] i mean archers are terrible too there's a big snake in the plane doc india's instantly tired of these [ __ ] snakes on this [ __ ] plane oh my that's bad for your eyes don't draw on your eyelids kids or put lotion on them or anything like that most of what you put on the eyelid will leak into the eye also writing love notes on your eyelids also also christ who drew that on there and how did she not wig out when it was happening imagine someone writing with an ink pen on your closed eyelid and then explain how she did this even if it's mascara and she applied it herself looking into the mirror it's a minor miracle that came out right the director said let's have your character give dr jones an apple after class it'll make you look like even more of an [ __ ] i had it marcus i had it in my hand wait did he just get back from south america and only had time to go straight to class when he got back why hasn't he told marcus about the idol yet our discussion about the ark in hitler is top secret so let's find the biggest classroom we can find and leave a few open doors to talk about it the city of tennis was consumed by the desert in the sandstorm which lasted a whole year that was very rude of that sandstorm now what's that supposed to be coming out of there lightning fire power of god or something gotta say this power of god that comes out of the ark definitely raises the stakes of this adventure you can't really have a movie without it but you've got to wonder why the stone tablets of the original 10 commandments are guarded with this kind of power these are very important documents that explain god's will but no one can ever see them you can copy the commandments down for your own notes but the originals are very important for some reason and god will kill you if you look at them gun whip leather jacket he's all packed let's go to the airport let's go right now the propeller is spinning and there are two flight attendants under the wing this is a nice image but what kind of light source is even making this possible this is apparently coming from the fireplace but the light wouldn't be this even and there are so many other lights on it would make shadow work like this impossible i never meant to hurt you i was a child i was in love it was wrong and you knew it this needs a lot more explaining than it gets did he did he do that on purpose we give modern movies a lot for how hard it is to keep up with the action but this classic steven spielberg movie is guilty of it too a lot of close-ups of random people shooting somewhere off-screen and no idea where everyone is whiskey jesus just how long is the bar that indy can request a bottle of whiskey and get it in time to smash this dude over the head to avoid the fire they have not one brain among them except one we call him bella amazing how bellock went from stealing the idol from indy street to helping the germans finding the ark in like a week how is it that out of all the archaeological finds in the world indie keeps running into bellock over and over it might be a good time to search for the holy grail since bellock's busy oh of course the monkey's evil how do you train a monkey to keep tabs on strangers shoplifting here comes a what the [ __ ] at it in the movie marion runs through this archway and the guy with the knife is hot on her heels it appears that she's going into a building right but when the scene cuts she's still outside and runs into another doorway where she knocks dude out with a frypan i don't want to play the music here but the jones and marion theme is very similar to the han and leia theme and they even start with the same three notes i ought to kill you right now not a very private place for a murder of course you've already gotten away with at least three in the last five minutes so what's one more i'm a shadowy reflection of you you and i are not so different cliche i've never understood these sudden children who save indiana from this situation we find out later that his buddy gimli was looking for him but it's not like he knew indy was in trouble and even if he did why would he send these kids in to protect him when the whole place could erupt in gunfire at any second and take back one kadam to honor the hebrew god whose ark this is it's pretty incredible that this medallion tells people to get a staff that's six feet tall but on the reverse side it's like but you better take a food off you know to honor god or something i didn't know god had penis at me anyway it's temporarily inconvenient for the villains who only had one side to work with bad dates dr jones fade abates once the primate playmate ain't a not great date what time does the sun hit the map room about nine in the morning okay but surely this all has to happen on or near a specific day right the sun will hit the map room at a different time every day and as the planet turns the beam coming into the map room will change where it lands right am i insane here if you don't know what day or week to do this then you could all end up digging in the wrong place they had [ __ ] dudes with guns guarding the workers hauling dirt but they have no armed guards on the map room bellock used a longer staff and that's why the germans are digging in the wrong place right now but did they also not put their staff in the right hole this all was covered in sand despite bellock being here the previous morning so the nazis busted salah but didn't arrest him let him wander away free to make a blanket rope and didn't stay guarding their map room so he would be able to just waltz right back over there to free indy there was a switch basket yeah but how she was being carried by those two dudes the whole time if she switched baskets she must have been throwing her voice too since she was yelling out of that basket the whole time and that basket clearly went into the back of that truck that exploded also if she switched baskets why was she still captured is this supposed to be how bellock had a copy of the medallion his burned hand only has a few of the markings at the top while the real one has markings going all the way around how do they even get enough of the translation to even begin searching in the wrong place somehow entirely off-screen jones reconnected with salah and recruited a bunch of the local workers to stop what they were doing and come help him dig and none of the bad guys who are everywhere all over this camp saw this unsolicited digging or ever stopped to ask questions also it's at this point i feel like indy doesn't think things through the bad guys can't find the ark because they don't have the right coordinates and never will technically he could save marion leave and find the ark later this is where you have to start a disinformation campaign so that the nazis will look the other way or give up for a while because this is just too risky i don't know what causes this little shift in the image in the background but whatever it is it makes everything look fake as they clear off the stone tablet they found digging i wonder if india ever stopped to think he was allowed to come here and find the ark by the very bad guys he thinks he's racing against oh look at the never-ending snake brigade down in this room that's been sealed for a thousand years there must be so much food and oxygen down here it's only natural that snakes are crawling all over each other to get their share of the plentiful resources that must be down here i think marion is a badass but for the most part she's just a damsel in distress also how was the dress he gave her exactly her size also also he just [ __ ] learned the nazi guys were going to torture her and now he's being nice to her in the hopes that she will share information before having to be tortured so why did he have a dress lying around here at all let alone one that fit her every line and curve perfectly never set living snakes on fire that's one of my life rules well i won't be eating this anymore wait you're not gonna open it are you you're smart aren't you oh they are opening it because it's not the art only the casing outside the yard but how did they know that this lid has to be at least as heavy as that roof was that took several men to open with pry bars but salah and india are able to lift this heaviest thing by themselves using nothing other than their brute strength americans you're all the same always overdressing for the wrong occasions wait that's his burn americans are always overdressing for the wrong occasions is that even marginally true we dress up for weddings funerals church graduation business meetings where are we going wrong sir should we be wearing suits to wrestlemania or shorts to revival services i love this scene i love it but there's no reason why this guy has a coat hanger like this he gives his coat to this dude who's just gonna hold it anyway it's not like he hangs it up anywhere i don't mean to sin fawn but i just sinned fun in the third movie the holy grail turns out to be a commoners cup not a golden masterpiece so why would the ark of the covenant be any different or they got all this [ __ ] gold anyway moses specifically condemned them for making a golden calf did they melt that down to make the ark because if so then they probably didn't learn the lesson moses was teaching about the golden calf also were the long wooden rods that fit perfectly in the holes already here or did andy bring those too but we never learned about it feels like they were here already why did the people who took such great pains to hide the ark leave so many tools behind for stealing it you would use a bulldozer to find the china cup in the end what was the point of those scenes with marion and bellock and the weird nazi guy it doesn't drive the plot at all we know bellock wanted to get marion drunk and have her spill the beans and we know they used future melty glasses to question marion about the medallion we don't even see what he did when he questioned her but in the end none of that matters because bellock just stumbles on indy's dig in the morning technically you could have lost that whole sequence and it wouldn't have mattered i know that's sacrilege to say because there are some entertaining bits but seriously we could have cut that whole merry intent sequence and the movie doesn't lose anything take this wave it at anything that slithers this is a dangerous thing to say to a woman you have a sexual past with dude has a lit torch between his chin and his shoulder while he is rope climbing and if the movie isn't going to act like that's cool i at least will i mean it's impossible too which is why i'm sending it but it's still cool ah that wall was sturdiest wasn't it how is it even standing is this statue really that strong jump scaring skeleton can lick my armpit oh good they're everywhere this is fun and jesus somehow one solitary snake was camping out in this spot where there aren't millions of snakes no one disturbs him in his kingdom of the actual skull they were buried deep in the well of souls but sure when india finds an exit all they have to do is climb up like 10 feet also luckily there appears to be a bunch of stones that form steps to this opening up here which is weird since nothing else in this area seems to be missing anything i guess these were spare stones the egyptians had left over when they built this place hey it's time for a classic film flub today's classic film flow the stone indy pushes out is definitely not a heavy stone you can see the shadow bounce to confirm it really fun stuff cannibalism after knocking out the pilot marion climbs into the cockpit and all i have to say is why also she gets trapped in there and has to be saved when all she had to do after knocking out the pilot was jump down and run away these heroes are closer without being seen than the hobbits were when they slid down the rocks outside the entrance to mordor people behind them should be pointing and shouting about the white people barely hiding behind a dirt mound you sure to catch that car on horseback good god man there's no excuse for missing you not only have a clear shot you also have a machine gun i'm no egypt expert but it seems weird that this action scene started in a jungle momentarily crossed into a mountainous region for a convenient car crash and now it's back in the jungle again then indy tries to kick this guy off the truck and he nearly falls off a cliff but when his buddy turns to find him it looks like completely different terrain let's give a round of applause to goddamn stunt people this stunt is in itself spielberg's tribute to stunt people jesus this rules that said both his front and back should be riddled with cuts bumps bruises and other signs of having been dried across a desert road everyone is happy and singing and dancing the hero has his arm around the girl and there is no way this is done how can the characters in the movie be so dumb did marion not get another change of clothing after all that [ __ ] she's still in bellock's dress and it's ripped and muddy and i think i'm in love but damn you'd think she would have found some new clothes by now falling asleep during a karen allen seduction is the ark burning this nazi crate if so why did it take so long and why doesn't it finish the job and why is it burning when the ark itself hasn't even been opened yet is this really happening is he really climbing out of a steam pipe like a goddamn cartoon we are not in the position to ask for anything we will take what we wish i'm pretty sure this guy is just being a nazi [ __ ] not sold but earlier this guy wanted to throw marion down into the well of souls for absolutely no reason my guess is the script dictates his every move which is going to get him in hot water with hitler steven spielberg's dos boat i love this scene where andy punches this dude and takes his uniform but it really makes me wonder how nobody sees this i mean the people patrolling this walkway would have seen not only the first guy get beat up but also the second guy not to mention indy trying on new clothes even when doing field work can you still need pole holding jingoists your persistence surprises even me holy did he just swallow that fly for some reason they kept jones and marion alive and tied them up to watch the show there's zero reason for them to do this unless they know we're all watching needing resolution don't look at it the don't look at it idea comes out of the sheer blue i guess this comes from years of study and it's an educated guess but this hasn't even been hinted at until now this arc is no longer a viable weapon if people can just shut their eyes and avoid the consequences word on the battlefield would get around pretty quick about this weakness also i sort of wish that the archangel that's about to come out and kill a bunch of nazis was actually doing it because they were nazis and because bellock is clearly evil you'd think an angel would know who's good or bad and kill accordingly nightmare fuel i do believe in spooks i do believe in spooks are the nazis being sent to heaven here maybe they're just going in for processing peter will ask them the usual round of questions they'll fail obviously but kind of a weird scene watching this nazi mist go into the clouds here oh hey look the flames cut the rope without killing us sweet okay how do we get off this island marion do you know how to drive a submarine ah never mind i'll read the manual it'll be in german but i think i can get the gist of it well the money's fine the situation is totally unacceptable indiana jones now knows there's proof of god i mean he won't be able to make anyone believe him but it's a bit surprising it doesn't change his life in a meaningful way well i know what i've got here i think this romance is going to produce a kid named mutt i've always loved the mystery of this warehouse thousands of crates that all contain something the government doesn't want you to see the ark is just one of many one of the best ending shots in a movie ever did you know the cinemas and writers have podcasts check out scenecast and behind the sins by searching for cinemasins wherever you listen to podcasts who am i kidding the boathouse was the time hear that voice if we don't knock out that airfield they'll go after enterprise prepare to make the jump to lightspeed wiped clean by the wrath of god erased from existence maybe we should travel by map soon they will come to army and i will not be able to stop them tommy how's the peeping tommy that's a painting i'm putting in a chase sequence uh so the killer flees on horseback with the girl the cops after them on a motorcycle and it's like a battle between motors and horses like technology versus horse [Applause] your persistence surprises even me you're going to give mercenaries a bad name i swallowed the book the world watched in amazement as he unlocked the mysteries of al capone's glove compartment ah-ha road maps i don't like sand it's coarse rough and irritating and it gets everywhere i feel terrible

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 1,324,583

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movies, movies review, review, bloopers, cinemasins raiders of the lost ark, everything wrong with raiders of the lost ark, raiders of the lost ark, indiana jones, harrison ford, steven spielberg, indiana jones scene 1981, indiana jones film, indiana jones 1981, indiana jones raiders of the lost ark, indiana jones reaction, raiders of the lost ark reaction, raiders of the lost ark the well of the souls

Id: SCZ_FPBDl0g

Length: 17min 9sec (1029 seconds)

Published: Tue Dec 22 2020