Everything Wrong With Uncharted in 18 Minutes or Less

[Music] holy [ __ ] one minute and 30 seconds of logos combine that with all the pre-mid and post-credit scenes i smell coming this movie is going to be 25 minutes long at best oh crap nathan fillion isn't playing nathan drake at this scene i realize this sequence is a direct oh monk to one of the video games but so goofy and stupid it's like the five different production companies involved said give us something like f9 only even less believable and the filmmaker said that's not possible so he was fired and they hired this guy oh my god i'm so sorry that was purely reactive is he still playing peter parker that's not how physics works if you were inside the plane then yes you could jump forward because the air inside the plane is moving at the same speed you are but outside the plane no dice the sheer force of wind alone would knock your ass back as soon as you leapt ten sins for failing at physics x machina also why do i immediately hear the friends theme song when these hands clasp i'll be there for you stop starting your movie two-thirds of the way through your movie why do studios think we will happily sit through minutes of logos but we'll walk out in moss and outrage if our eyeballs aren't immediately bombarded with mindless action in the first minute of the actual movie first man of the whole world i just gotta have hello mistakes then you know what magellan was really looking for me i don't know the holy grail noah's ark a place with really righteous peaches gold but he never made it home therefore obviously he found all that gold and either hid out and died or sunk and died but he definitely found that goal and i'm sure of it's solely because he never returned that's enough evidence for me that the gold exists and not that he just died at sea or got scurvy or some definitely found the gold and then died at sea or got scurvy lost now gone there's a difference if something's lost it can be found i could bring up some dictionary definitions but i think we all know this is a dumb distinction to make descending from sir francis drake himself at least that was what mom and dad used to say mom and dad also used to say they'd paid the electric bill or hired a babysitter or kicked out the hobo living in the basement but not everything mom and dad said turned out to be true this map is worth a fortune and because we have dead parents it's morally okay for us to steal it here goes nothing i know they're kids but oh boy they [ __ ] us up quickly so sick parvus magnet greatness from small beginnings what are the odds i have the exact same thing tattooed on my i love your younger brother i just can't let you escape with me right now because because well listen i'll be honest just what the script says okay you have to stay here and suffer goodbye i'll come back for you nate promise character makes a promise they have no way of knowing they can keep evidently this is one of the multiverses where humans didn't evolve peripheral vision but this isn't a multiverse movie i hear you say oh there's plenty of time for that to change my friend i'm offering you a real ticket out of here a chance to see places you only read about in books okay cool but he literally just met you hey get your head out of your ass so sorry i didn't see you oh this is gonna be one of those movies where the pickpocketing is straight up indistinguishable for magic this in turn makes my level of investment indistinguishable from zero look i've been dreaming about this since i was a kid [Laughter] you were a kid like three days ago even if you're 30 and you are not 30 this is a hilarious comment and it disappears doesn't call doesn't answer my texts nothing sully lies about sam's disappearance because he thinks this will motivate drake to join the treasure hunt with the hope of finding sam but why tell him the truth tell him sam's dead and that the monkados killed him wouldn't revenge motivate him even more and have the added benefit of avoiding the damn third act conflict cliche we all know is coming you have to find somebody else character says they won't do a thing shortly before they decide to do the thing cliche easter eggs could be fun cheeky nods to fans i and i have nothing against them if done tastefully but drake owning a sticker of the company that makes a video game where the lead character shares his name and goes on the same adventures as him is somewhat universe breaking i'm assuming that drake hasn't been able to send any replies to these postcards so how did sam find out his new address mapping typing flexing flexing flexing flexing excitement ah heist planning manta wait he's still tending bar using three fingers to control your laptop touch pad like a counterproductive society rejecting chaos monkey these two have spent basically no time together so in order to speed up the relationship let's have a teaching how to tie a tie scene classic i'm not gonna keep this thing you're gonna [ __ ] all over my floor only if you don't put a litter box down somewhere which i'm guessing you did not so this is what we call a self-fulfilling prophecy i think i push it in too far something something college girlfriend something you guys know the drill if he buys it before we can grab him you kiss that goal goodbye or you could just steal it from him after he buys it right can't believe that's any riskier than trying to steal it in the middle of this vip filled and therefore security-filled auction okay i want to pan down from the chandelier cigarettes to the field of purple spearmag lamps i know it would mean sacrificing the hilarious bubblegum banter that has sustained me through the last four minutes but how is this any less suspicious than just catching the door with your damn shoe before it locks which would also have the advantage of not leaving a gummy reservoir of forensic evidence leading straight back to your mouth holy [ __ ] this is the camden yards of auction houses i have an opening bid of 200 000 from mr monkada wait did they typically say the name of the bitter in auctions they use paddles here so what's with the name calling i shouldn't come out to play with a big boy's ween because you're about to get a proper scottish welcome i'm sorry looks like we're being treated to a scottish henchman cliche and an american doesn't understand a foreign accent cliche all at once what a boy they indeed for the sins team 2.3 he goes with it mr moncada takes it to three million holy did zorro just jump the bid up from 2.3 million to 3 million in a single bid that's like going all in on poker while also pulling out your putting it on the table next to your cards while on the phone with your bookie telling him to put it all in the cleveland browns while eating a hungry man sandwich it's almost like he needed these dangling cigarette lamps in order to escape might even call their earlier appearance check all dangling cigarette lamps hey trent addison wanted me to take that to the vault pronto no level of commotion should have allowed the man that was just bidding three million dollars on an item to go unnoticed as he reverses his jacket and steals the item he now no longer has to pay three million dollars for also the 500 year old three million dollar artifact is being escorted by nothing more than this incompetent gentleman where's the actual security this is amazing there's some crazy now huh it's unbelievable i mean it totally confirms the legend some guy's journal confirms a legend the journal is how the legend gets started you dumb [ __ ] i could write a journal tomorrow about witnessing bigfoot [ __ ] the loch ness monster doggy style complete with illustrations and that would not mean that bigfoot actually [ __ ] messy or that either creature is real it would just be [ __ ] i wrote in a journal as he translates this book casually i have to wonder does mountain dew still make live wire that was awesome in case you confused it with barcelona arkansas sally doesn't have any friends i should know i'm one of them i guess this line is considered clever i consider it nonsense but you do you movie why is he here how go you want better why is this shot so [ __ ] blurry and why is gamora you let her take the cross you let her take the top i know we've already mentioned the pickpocketing but this example is truly on its own playing a [ __ ] covered existence chloe barely gets within arm's reach of drake the entire time she's here and sully is looking directly at her unless she's teamed up with doctor strange and giving that thing its own sling ring there's no way she's getting away with the cross tom cruise isn't running in this scene she appears to do an action movie car hood slide on her bare ass legs can you imagine the [ __ ] pain the auction house monkatta called it an altar crucifix i didn't think about it then but it means the cross was originally made to stand on an altar you didn't think about it then you didn't think about it then say mary of the pine this has to be it might just be a genius guessing that a crucifix might be linked to a church is not a big leap and if you type barcelona pine church into google this church is the first result am i a genius too can i come and play i'm really great at being sarcastic and double crossy too man imagine if they hadn't pounded that monkata name into our brains the first 30 minutes of this movie we'd have no idea what this meant holy hangover batman they're supposed to be treasure hunting tomorrow and there are nine empty bottles of wine in this shot that's three each have you ever had three bottles of wine in one sitting the answer is [ __ ] no because you wouldn't remember even if you had who's still thirsty drake walks in and ten bottles of wine [ __ ] okay do you think she's okay oh my cash sully wastes everyone's time by playing the per-down game all right let's just split up and figure out where the keys go yes let us three independent treasure hunters who don't trust each other all split up total logic at work bro juan sebastian elcano 18 we're here all right are you [ __ ] kidding me with this the 18 crew members responsible for the biggest lost treasure in history signed their names on the floor of this church had no [ __ ] in the last five centuries has put the pieces together that this might have something to do with said treasure this gold should have been found immediately but also who lights all these candles it was 50 50 so i made a guess you didn't know which way the key should be turned you can't read the book so instead of telling them that you just picked one what the [ __ ] sully you are the worst okay good point we'll give you your phone no shelly just give me your phone for what god damn it even if these two had chemistry this dialogue would be infuriating oh my god you have so many apps open what is wrong with you maybe has time to keep making jokes about sully being out of touch and old i'm gonna go this way i mean who are these arrows ever gonna work against drake had no idea they were coming walk through the tunnel without a care in the world and they still didn't get him hey sully do you see anything weird up there you're gonna have to be more specific i think it's safe to say he didn't mean anything weird like a street performer [ __ ] stop making sully deliberately obtuse and if he's this obtuse and not funny in the video game stop repeating mistakes they must open a huge medal great in the wall at an underground rave and no one notices i realize people are drunk and on drugs but that's even more reason for them to be bugging the [ __ ] out over the sudden wall people what are you doing blending in i'm not sure how taking off a layer of clothing and dancing for approximately five seconds before moving to the bar was supposed to help them blend in but here we are what are you doing i'm causing a distraction distractions are great but they work a hell of a lot better when they aren't directly next to the thing you're trying to draw attention away from okay david fincher's panic room quit showing off they had to turn the keys to the left earlier because of death darts here she turns it to the right without even pausing to wonder about it i'm like literally in a papa john's right now are you are you literally in a papa john's right now you swill slinging money grubbing whoring [ __ ] i mean better ingredients better shilling we're running out of time i found it and the good fortune keeps on coming as sully manages to stumble onto the keyhole needed to save the day a keyhole that has survived 500 years of [ __ ] being built around it without being moved knocked down or violated in some fashion sully throws this couple's entire table and they just calmly get up and walk away god whatever papa john's paid for this they got more than their money's worth i always wanted to try this lighting a torch even if this slider worked under regular circumstances that thing is soaked how is it even sparkling right now now he's turning to the right again serenity now look if you don't want me scrutinizing the clockwise and counterclockwise [ __ ] of your [ __ ] ultracross keys then don't make an entire scene about it okay it's gotta be at least two thousand years old when it's carbon dating when this guy can eyeball that oh my god well the crew of the magellan for adding an extra step and making this a two hour movie instead of a crisp 90 minutes hey chloe give it to me but why why now they're no closer to getting the goal just because they have another map can this double cross not wait for the other double crosses that are coming so we can get them all out of the way at once oh no now nate's going to salt cure within 12 hours though he'd be even more delicious if allowed to cure all the way through a full 24-hour period how could you not tell me this i knew if i told you you never would have come with me but why shortly after the initial anger he would have come around and realized it wasn't sully's fault i say again wouldn't this have motivated him even more to beat braddock to the treasure i hired miss fraser the same day i hired you of course she will lead the operation from here on out [ __ ] unfair you hired braddock who suddenly knew already and heavily distrusted and on the same day you hired chloe who suddenly knew already and fully trusted you did that why would you waste the money on braddack who never stood a chance they're in spain hunting for treasure incognito and they paid for a multi-room hotel suite be careful when you load her i don't want her getting scratched you rich dude this is patently understood by the kind of folks who routinely ship fancy cars for rich folks looking to get out of dodge had you not said this they probably want to scratch this vintage automobile all to hell and back right the director said how can we make the shot of sully and nate spying look as fake as possible and the crew came through with flying colors it was left to me to recover my family's goal what's with the expositional pep talk mask of boro you're paying all these people to be here right do you really think they give a [ __ ] why you want that five billion dollar treasure as long as they get their cut where's fraser seriously guys where is she she was right in front of you and no one saw her slip away i mean braddock's men knew this was part of the plan so why weren't they ready for her that was literally the worst 10 hours of my life but why are they choosing to get out now they've sat in there for 10 hours and decided to wait until the riskiest possible moment to get out the henches clearly send a man to the far left side of the jet but then when the heroes choose that path the dude is apparently gone forever a whole bunch of [ __ ] that is some very convenient flammable liquid can you name even one movie where it opened in the middle of a third act moment then jump back to the beginning after doing and i bet you're wondering how i got here voice over where the movie ended up better because of it we know these windows aren't bulletproof because chloe just shot through one to get into the car so why isn't she respawning at her last checkpoint right now [Music] i remember a luck dragon from the neverending story but i don't remember one in this movie look you don't need me to go frame by frame here just trust me when i say that there's a terabyte hard drive full of a [ __ ] load of everyone survives this going on yep i'm out [ __ ] y'all enjoyed this parade of [ __ ] i'm gonna get some wings you see what i'm saying holy sh somehow all the aircraft shenanigans happen close enough to their final destination that chloe and nate can just bob to shore like they haven't just been thrown out of a [ __ ] airplane with no parachutes no one will be seated during the scene when they try to figure it out that is so boring even the female lead falls asleep during it okay but those two cross key ends could also come together way to the south if you'd rotated them the opposite direction not to mention the other shorter ends could also have been the ones he was supposed to use what the hell earlier nate said braddock isn't gonna find the gold well not where she's looking anyway but she will somehow be close enough to [ __ ] hear you arrive and then follow you to the treasure braddock is putting in far too much effort she should really start leaning into the sheer amount of dumb luck she seems to have just so everyone is clear if there's no opening on the other side of this underwater cave nate dies that won't happen because this is a movie but this [ __ ] just jumped in and started swimming like there was zero chance the treasure is a myth or maybe not located here it's a good thing that drake's good luck appears to be inversely proportional to how prepared he is no diving climbing or caving gear but who needs it because the ships are nicely parked above sea level and available to anyone who may happen to swim into this cave but also how did these two ships end up here did they also dive underwater and swim from the main cave to this hidden one or are we saying the cave grew up around the ships i named these ships the ss mold and the ss tetanus so much more than we thought earlier sully valued the treasure at around five billion dollars how the [ __ ] has he been able to amend that estimate just by eyeballing two barrels sporadic and here's the biggest problem with these treasure hunting movies if you have two teams competing for the same treasure all one of them has to do is follow along until all the hardship is done and then swoop in to steal the treasure the difference between this movie and indiana jones or even dora the explorer or even the goonies is that those movies are a fun ride regardless here have this gold thing in case you had no idea what a gold thing looks like so he's a cockroach when it comes to gold the [ __ ] is that supposed to mean are cockroaches famous for collecting treasures and selling them for a profit he probably means a cockroach when it comes to staying dead but if i'm gonna have to start rewriting the script into something intelligible i'm going to start with the basic plot first drinking something that is just as likely to be pirate piss as it is pirate rum after approximately 30 seconds of research i can confirm that the ship plus cargo would have likely been an order of magnitude or more too heavy for this helicopter to carry and even if it could which it can't the decayed wood would have immediately broken apart once any lifting began hang on a second okay um i don't like this part i'm sure this is ticking something off either tom holland or nathan drake's bucket list but taking the stairs really would have been just as quick and far more reliable i get sully and drake picking up whatever is around them to fight with but why do the goons have swords instead of guns follow that ship instead of setting down your magellan ship and then going after them yeah just keep lugging that heavy ass that is also super valuable and give chase right now hey what happened to these ships are with a fortune on their own you put a hole in my boats i put a hole in you why do you have to take the ship right now wait until the chopper runs out of fuel or has to land it's hardly going to outrun you bad guy continues to shoot into tiny shield instead of the hero's legs cliche i think i have an idea i'm gonna fire a 500 year old cannon that's been sitting in a super moist environment for centuries it should be rusted all the [ __ ] back but you know what it's gonna work no movie let her die why did you do that this thing was over but you saw die hard too many times and think every action film has to have one last i thought they were all dead but they really weren't seen also remember chloe he's carrying an entire boat full of treasure but he's going to aesop's fable this so he can actually finally have a let go of the gold moment and why does this movie need character development isn't the cool thing about helicopters their ability to hover in one position why is sully letting the chopper continue to pull away so i know please in the time it took for sally to debate this choice he could have just thrown the bag on board and helped drake up right i don't think drake was suggesting he throws the bag at braddock i mean it's just after the title card so are we now doing pre-credit post-credit scenes just make your [ __ ] movie people and a third title card just in case you made it this far without realizing what movie you were watching you're late damn it movie you were so close you have a metal arm that is i don't want awesome go start please i'm going to steal the declaration of independence lost now gone there's a difference it was made up it was about finding that gold but it's just a story let's say you have no idea leave it at that okay got an idea about what we do we would not be good at what we do would we we would be you calling us we're guaranteed a record deal our stuff is that good stop touching your ear i'm gonna eat you i'm bigger than you i'm higher in the food chain get in my belly that's what this is about you dragged me all the way out here let me believe that i might see my brother again because you think that i know something what no pray for mercy from plus [Music]

Channel: CinemaSins

Views: 917,004

Keywords: wave jockey job, cinemasins, cinema sins, everything wrong with, eww, movie, review, movie review, uncharted, video game, nathan drake, tom holland, mark wahlberg, film, mistakes, nitpicks, adventure, treasure, sully

Id: bZdA5xVzEr4

Length: 18min 48sec (1128 seconds)

Published: Tue May 31 2022