Everyone's Favourite Classic Stories! | The Graham Norton Show

this is weird and don't answer this question if you don't want to matter but i have i don't know why you brought this up but i did hear you discuss you had an extraordinary disagreement uh with your wife about yourself do you know what i'm talking about by myself you mean yes yeah ooh listen do you know this story listen with interest one night as you do we were talking about stuff i and of course being circumcised i said they were chatting they're married they're married they're allowed and she said she said you're not circumcised i said what do you mean you've only known me a few all my life i remember my mother telling me why because it was fashionable at the time she said you're not circumcised i said that's ridiculous i should know if i'm circumcised of course i am end of conversation but the next day i happen to be seeing my doctor are you okay i was seeing my doctor for my annual physical of course so uh while he was down there i said excuse me oh by the way erv um my wife and i have a little disagreement um i i am circumcised aren't i because she says i'm not and he goes not [Applause] it's not possible so he looked down again and he said hey i'm jewish i know the difference that is a bizarre i have grandchildren you're gonna have to change your facebook status no more beef stew well there's more beef stew uh phoebe you i'd say you learned a valuable lesson uh was it was it hay fever no cartage oh my god i have had so many regrets about telling you guys about this story okay occasionally behind backstage there are some japes with actors you know sure sure you know you know yeah but keep the other actors kind of um entertained when it's a really long run and i'm really sorry mum that i'm telling this story um and there was one i was doing hay fever and it was a three month run and uh there was one moment there's one moment on the stage where i was off stage with this other actor sam and one of the other actors played by one of the characters played by freddie fox would storm across the stage open this door and we'd be standing behind the door you know master from the audience and he had to go and then he'd slam the door and run back onto the stage and so we always used to do something kind of quirky behind the door to make him laugh and every night and we started off by doing a little like oh like we're kissing or like oh we put a funny hat on sam but it was three months long this run and we have to up the game every night every single night and so we started getting the stage management involved and there were massive like hot dog costumes and like these before people from outside to come in so every time freddie would open the door he'd be like really excited and he'd be like and then he was like then we had to change really quickly and then run on the stage and the other cast members could see it and it was building a building and we were running out of ideas and it was like a week left and we were exhausting ourselves and then suddenly it was getting to the last night we were like we have to have a big finish like what are we going to do for freddie and neither of us could think of anything and suddenly we did the matinee and we'd done this kind of wild kind of like spangly glittery thing and then on the final performance we had nothing and we were like we have to do something we have to do something we could hear freddie coming across the stage and we were like we haven't thought of anything sam just said just just i know i've got it just show them your [ __ ] oh my gosh that's awful he was like it's brilliant the stage management around me going perfect your actually do that and i was like really and they're like turning me around i was like is this gonna be good i have this huge pink skirt on no it's a horrendous story i love this huge big skirt and everyone's like it's gonna be great and i was like yes it's gonna be oh my god we're sorry and i was leaning down and then freddie was running and i was like bent over with the stage management like i think he opened the door and then he just went oh i'm already standing there like oh god everything's gone quiet and then i turned around and i saw like the glitterati of the london stage like olivia coleman lindsey duncan kevin mccally all going yeah too far well the twelve are bravely told it's gone now it's gone it's god things happen to you like you're is it your house in near dover oh yes yes i'm glad you brought that up because i do rent my house if you're interested two other people i mean and it's the nearest house to france which is very important in this story and it's 425 pounds a week and it sleeps it sleeps um six people so for seven nights yes yes anyway one one day i got a call from the police and they said um are you the owner of the gun emplacement and i said yes they said are you aware that it's been used as a drop for criminals to get rid of their drugs or you know it's a drug drop i believe that's the yes the phrase and um i said well of course i didn't know what do you mean and they said well people have rented it they were a gang a gang from uh liverpool and um they took my house and they dropped the drugs in the bay or they and there was a helicopter that came on the roof it's a flat roof and they they had cocaine they had 30 something like 13 million pounds worth of work no no it wasn't like a little thing this was a map 13 million jesus wholesale well of course i was horrified because i didn't know i mean i don't have anything to do with the people that rent it don't just take the money you know yeah and i was i well i could get more for it because it's really lovely was when it was reported of course in the daily mail um all the people online said oh she must be in it you know she's part of the gadget they were calling me miriam escobar but actually talking about starting out amelia obviously your mother loves you because you're her daughter yeah but she is actually a sort of a fan as well you know it's not it's not quite that it's um she is oh goodness right so my uh uh one day my mum came to set on the star wars set uh and i was getting this thing called cyber scand which is where you stand in this kind of loads of cameras and they kind of take your form and put you into a computer and make a toy or a some sort of merchandise or your face on a cushion um and so i go off and do this and i come back and mum's like i've made a great friend and i'm like brilliant it's lovely excellent and she's like the merchandise you know director of all of star wars or something i'm like wow very impressive and then before i know it what comes in the post um is loads of cushions my face on it so my own mum i guess she gets to see it a fair amount you know but apparently it's not enough so i'm just kind of blown away how much merchandise there is yes it's great and it was like the pre-merchandise not even the real stuff is out yet and my mom has all of it and doesn't know about the doll yet so we'll show you this is so weird i don't know is this in your flat or her house right okay so basically she'll be really funny if i came home and it was everywhere in my opinion okay so this is this is this is amelia's actual bedroom [Laughter] this is like a joke and then and then oh and then oh my goodness we found the photo but it's not like that now there is another reason why i'm saying your first date back to that yeah come on in this little thing once i don't have a cv i just have a bedroom but this is cool though so your mother a big fan but brad pitt also a perfect fan that was the best night of my life yes tell the story quickly [Applause] yeah there's a duvet slippers uh no yeah there was this auction thing that happened and um i don't they called me and said would you you know do you want to do you want to um auction something off like maybe sort of an experience watching the show with you or something and i was like okay it's lovely it's great for charity yeah it'll be for some you know some something yeah and it'll be fine anyway so i get there and it's amazing it'll be a good thing um i get there and it's basically like this it's basically it's the oscars there's so many celebrities in this room and i suddenly remember that i said that i would auction something off and so the fear grows so i was petrified absolutely petrified and then um the person whose table i was on is a friend and he was being very kind and kind of put the paddle up and i was like thanks very much that's very sweet that'll be that uh and then someone else's paddle up went up across the other side of the room and i didn't really know and then suddenly it was sort of becoming a bit of money and i was kind of thinking oh this is absolutely mental and someone went it's brad pitt and i was like lol yeah exactly and i look over to the room and he's got his paddle up brad's paddle that has brown experience no not quite well it didn't work out because the person whose friend was my friend i think was probably all set up personally who was my friend ended up you know doing the highest bid but um but uh yeah i just kind of looked over with just the most insane emoji heart eyes being like this is just the greatest moment of my life my mum's not watching um there was a slight road rage incident and um you know those crossings whether absolutely i don't know if it's the same rules apply but um they're not staggered they're straight cross road thing i mean you're turning no idea what you're talking about keep going so you turn right you have to turn in front of each other not behind each other on a staggered crossing you know what i mean no it's anyone now coming in so so no basically okay and you've got to go behind each no you want to go in the front i had to go in front because it was a it was in front so this woman was coming towards me and wanting to go right her right and i was going right so i i turned to go in front of her and she went and as if i had tried to drive into her and i thought okay well there's no one else coming so i'll just to keep her happy i'll do what's wrong but i'll go behind her and she was doing that in the in the car and it was starting to really piss me off because i was right and i was helping her out and then i suddenly got this red mist just as our cars were coming next to each other i suddenly went [ __ ] yeah just as she was doing that she went [Laughter] this is based on your life i mean this is things yeah loosely graham no but things like isn't the washing machine that happened to you what the the washing you were very hungover oh yeah tell jodie foster that story all their stories are really cool though grail when i was teaching this is what this show is based on i went home one weekend and i was in my 30s i was probably 33 years of age i went home to see my mother and then i went back and while i was at home my mother did my washing for me because i was only 33. then i went back on the on the sunday night i got really drunk uh and then i went for a curry and then the next day i went into school i'm gonna i went into school and it was a school in slough and it was quite a rough school but they had a really brilliant hearing impaired department so there were hearing impaired kids who uh you know struggled they were they were really looked after in school anyway i was really hungover i went there and about break time i felt really uncomfortable i thought something's not right you know so i went to the toilet and i pulled my trousers down and some of my mother's knickers had got i got mixed up in the washington and i was wearing my mother's hand and i went oh god no oh i remember going oh you loser this is such a low point you [ __ ] loser and then the curry and the booze the curry and the booze kicked in from the night before so i i did like a fecal jackson pollock and i started i started going oh god not this not this as well oh jesus so i cleaned myself up and i pulled my mother's pants back and i went back into the um classroom and i saw one of the hearing impaired kids just looking at me like this and that's when i remembered that my i had a microphone directly [Applause] so maybe mundone isn't that far-fetched [Music] you

Channel: The Graham Norton Show

Views: 1,641,240

Keywords: Graham Norton anecdotes, Graham Norton interviews, Hollywood talk show, TV entertainment, The Graham Norton Show, celebrity TV appearances, celebrity camaraderie, celebrity couch, celebrity humor, celebrity stories, celebrity talk show host, chat show, entertaining guests, entertainment, entertainment industry, entertainment talk show, famous talk show, late-night talk show, on-set stories, pop culture, red sofa

Id: ThJR8DP1SBs

Length: 15min 35sec (935 seconds)

Published: Sat Jul 02 2022