Episode 187 - Bill Gates is Down Bad

this is my impression of someone trying to get laid in 1870. okay we're riding on a train okay do you know a bunch of asian people died building this train track right here oh yeah anyways um what's your address i'd like to send you some parchment paper sometimes [Music] what's up guys this is the tmg podcast this is today's free episode if you want this episode ad free and an extra bonus episode you can find that right now on our patreon.com [Music] add literal woodstock you're not a stoner goodbye the army air forces has announced that a flying disc has been found and is now in the possession of the army [Music] no please look at all the signs fashion your seatbelt and get ready for debate hello everyone welcome back who on the ship put sparkling sorry someone pointed something with my foot who in this [ __ ] put sparkling water put the damn okay sparkling water who the heck cody does his hair like a samurai one time i'll explain why i'll explain why because i'm feeling nice and loose yeah and creamy yeah because i did i did yoga yesterday oh no the dude in the that you know was teaching the yoga had a ponytail and i was like they made you do your hair like that didn't make me i just thought it would like you know fit the part a little bit better now men in the class if you can make a ponytail let's go ahead and do that before we get started today all right i'd hate to be a [ __ ] who couldn't do this right now it's a feeling already i uh no it was actually it was actually it's actually kind of funny it was a girl who was teaching the course wow isn't that hilarious yeah girls teaching yoga who'd have thought and uh so but i i don't know like i accidentally clicked like an intermediate class i didn't know there's so [ __ ] many i was just like i scrolled down and i was like oh pick this one yeah and uh so she's like like 20 minutes into it it's like the same [ __ ] over and over again it's like flow yoga or some [ __ ] like that where you're doing the same poses over and over and you're like it's basically a cycle yeah so i'm doing these things i'm doing these things and then she she goes all right going to downward dog which is like you know your feet and your hands and you're like this yeah and then she's like and now just give yourself a couple kicks and then she goes into a full-on handstand and holds an arm stand for like 30 seconds and she's like and just breathe meanwhile i'm like how the [ __ ] i'm falling over i'm like and like 40 minutes into it she gets down on her side and she does the craziest break dance yeah balancing one arm pose where her legs are completely out to the side and she's parallel to the ground and i'm just sitting on the floor like in just like this just watching it like holy [ __ ] kind of hilarious eating snacks yeah jesus kind of layers for a yoga instructor just starts showing off yeah yeah all right today's class is gonna be a little advanced this is just b-boying she's actually in the windmill head spinning yeah that seems not relaxing at all and but the way she's like vocalizing it and instructing it is the same way and downward dog and breathe in breathe out uma masa pose breathe in and breathe out for your mouth and head spin just like now while you're up here i want you to just let everything go think about your problems what's where you're holding your stress maybe in your neck right now for me especially it's my neck and just let everything go how the [ __ ] it's kind of a similar thing i'm always like you know our boxing coach sheet she does virtual classes and sometimes elena will take them and i'll like kind of make fun of her and the and her peers for the persona they have to put on because you know with us it's very like all right one two you know it's like call outs and kind of it's just standard stuff but virtual class all right guys if you can do it today you can do it any day yeah it's sort of like it's like these seven step programs i always wonder who are they talking to like the the encouragement is really really intense it makes you seem like you're going through some [ __ ] even if you weren't yeah like you started up and they're like it's okay it's gonna be okay you're like what well what's not okay having a fine day yeah my day's totally fine i was just trying to buy whatever you're going through right now you're gonna get through it you're gonna sweat it out yeah you're gonna sweat it out i'm not really gonna i had a great breakfast yeah i slept great i hate two hours early i feel nice and light i just want you to close your eyes close your fists and let it all go today you're just gonna let it go and every every hand that goes you're just gonna push out the negativity it's like what if they were like just weirdly a little bit insulting and just like push out you're gonna sweat out that gross breakfast you ate you little piggy you're like what no i know your ass can't cook so i know you ate some garbage this morning so you're gonna push it out you're gonna push it out yeah man nice oh well you clearly got some moves oh yeah there's more where that came from [Laughter] i can do dura da suppose the what pose i don't know i don't know is it making them up i'm just making them up but that's what they sound like to me wait can you move your mic stand back just a little bit skirt yeah i just want to be able to look into your eyes yeah thanks appreciate that bro can't i hate it when i can't look in my boy's eyes when i'm podcasting you know what we should get though is um a sauna and that's because i was cruising my feed right now and uh before we started and joe rogan first of all posted this yeah i love i love his sauna posts they're the best so this is the caption fresh out the hot box and feeling like a slightly better version of who i was when i went in i think some wild thoughts in there especially during the last five minutes when those are over that's when i feel so thankful and appreciative not just that i didn't die from heat stroke but thankful of everything i want to call friends i haven't spoken to in years i want to compliment people and tell them that i love them the ultimate goal is to always be a better me but my progress always seems to resemble a bitcoin chart two steps up one step down three steps up i learn but for whatever reason i seem to learn best and grow most when there's room for struggle it's like damn was that a sauna or did you just take the mt yeah that's yeah that's pretty deep i mean every time i mean he's taking so much dmt that when he hits the sauna it's coming at you know what i mean like it's sweating it out he's sweating it out but it's it's activating basically yeah so if if his wife were to walk up to him right now and just lick him she would just like her pupils would dilate immediately you know what i'm saying yeah he's like babe i just feel so much like a better me she's like oh it's friday [ __ ] it i feel so good daddy no no no no no then his daughter bumps in smells his kneecap now she's driven the whole family's fun looking drugs yeah the sauna posts are always money go to the next picture like what does that mean blurry as [ __ ] just that's not even the video it's [ __ ] hot in here i gotta get a bigger stamp i love those and whenever you post pictures of him doing the splits oh yeah you know for for a dude that you know for for a lot of guys represent you know masculinity and let's see there's one yeah and all that it he looks like me at the start of this episode nice work joe [Laughter] we just both dropped down damn joe i do the rest of the podcast in splits nice bro killing it man yeah [ __ ] yeah that's great for man quads look fired just full splits yeah did you guys hear big chungus had a new song and just looking i did yeah i did yeah we're like leverage on the chair so we're going even we're going even deeper than a full split i did hear big chungus had a new song legs are like this just up by our heads that's just porn star [ __ ] man exactly i can wait so what'd you get into this weekend dude yeah this single is gonna look ridiculous yeah i did hear big chungus had a new song sorry i just had to get that one out if you're listening on audio you really gotta tune in the video cause goddamn i am splitted right now man i'm seeing incredible progress from these yoga classes seriously hey uh you mind getting me a water thanks [Laughter] god damn yeah the fact that they uh you know they basically they get their ig baddie fix from rogan who oh dudes yeah you know he's supposed to fit out a sauna yeah yeah you know he's doing splits grabbing that kettlebell yeah all that [ __ ] around they're like damn look at his arms [ __ ] not like that not like that yeah i'm thinking maybe we got to get saunas i actually have one i have a sauna yeah i don't know how to i don't know how to use it uh yeah i'd be afraid having us doesn't work i don't know i don't know just so i'll do the plates we're like this was a sauna it holds shoes now but uh yeah that's basically what it was she was like she was like she's just gonna leave this on i was like [ __ ] yeah perfect i'm ready to have some introspective moments in there and you try to fire it up you're like you [ __ ] you [ __ ] yeah you [ __ ] he's gonna leave the sauna so she's going to leave a giant piece of trash here it was i had to like get it inside cleaned out too because it was entirely spider webs and just like sweet gross bugs and stuff very haunted in there and now i cleaned it out and then i plugged in it didn't work didn't do anything so now i just got this big big wooden box i don't know maybe that'll be my like i don't know creative shed you just sit in there and create create what are you gonna create in there oh no the splits just vertical high legs leverage on the wall holding myself up in the v yep [Laughter] cody what are you doing there i feel like asana is a weird it's like one of those things that you have and then you're afraid you're gonna die in you know what i mean no i i just i just feel like it's one of those things that you acquire and you're like that's cool at least for me i would just think about okay so i'm going solo into a box and turning it up to temperatures that are like really hot i just feel like i would do that get a heat stroke and just pass out to my own sauna and then just die and no one would come save me until three days later when my dead carcasses wait this place has been weirdly empty oh wait noelle hasn't been back for three days oh he's in it's my dead corpse smelling like bung hole smelling like lard all up and down the strip she opens the door you're like babe i just want to compliment people i love you i love you that's why he's having these epiphanies actually because he's like on the verge of death yeah you know when you're like about to die your brain releases dmt yeah that's what it is that's what it is this is like this is like you know holistic dmt for joe rogan he goes in there and just turns it all the way up until he's almost dead we want to quickly interrupt this week's episode to say thanks to doordash for sponsoring dinner check deodorant check morning pick-me-up from dunkin check get everything you need whenever you need it with doordash doordash connects you with restaurants you love right now and right to your door and now you can get the grocery essentials you need with doordash as well get drinks snacks and other household items delivered in under an hour ordering is a cinch couldn't be easier honestly just open the door dash app choose what you want from where you want it and your items will be left safely outside your door with contact list delivery drop-off setting with over 300 000 partners in the u.s puerto rico canada and australia you can support your neighborhood go-to's or choose from your favorite national restaurants like popeyes chipotle and cheesecake factory for a limited time our listeners can get 25 off and zero delivery fees on their first order of 15 or more when you download the doordash app and enter the code tiny that's 25 off up to a 10 value and zero delivery fees on your first order when you download the doordash app in the app store and enter code tiny don't forget 25 off your first order that's subject to change terms apply almost dying is is um that's the rich way to do [ __ ] yeah you know yeah skiing this what other what are the things do rich people do where they almost die oh like um flotation tanks like sensory deprivation you ever done one of those yeah yeah you yeah no i haven't but i remember that's what it's like to be dead yeah [Music] [Laughter] what else they do i mean they ride helicopters that in and of itself is yeah that's true flirting with death activity you know you know what i actually really [ __ ] with though steam rooms that's actually my personal what's the difference saunas are dry it's dry heat rooms they just pump steam so you can't like see anything it's just like a you never been in a steam room no really yeah you gotta do that dude okay go in a steam room get really hot usually they have a hose in there that's just like freezing cold water okay and so you like douse yourself with freezing cold water and then you just sit in the steam room it's [ __ ] amazing oh okay you'll never feel better um where do you go to one of these is there like a steam room amusement park yeah yeah yeah you know like a magic mountain for steamers [Laughter] i think that's a different convention so you're just going to put it right here steamer balloon steamer [Laughter] what's up guys i just want to say to all my only fan subscribers i will be at steamerpalooza this weekend i'm raffling off one chance to one of my fans to steam right on my chest oh no that really is the funniest name for a for a poop a steamer yeah steamer because it really does steam yeah that's what i mean by steam room i just like going to the bathroom [Laughter] you ever been in a steam room oh dude it's great you like poop take a cold shower and then go in the steam room take a dump dude [Laughter] you just you douse yourself in ice cold water and then [ __ ] on the toilet drenched naked and wet oh that's the worst feeling you gotta take a [ __ ] at the pool or whatever when you're wet and the favorite the toilet paper sticks your ass everything works you got like a paper mache active like just activity in your ass crack the more you wipe it's just building a mask perfectly it's like a door wedge building up in your butt crack of toilet paper you go and she just ends up floating in the pool everyone's like who brought a toy boat like no that's my steamer wedge stop yeah yeah it's one of those mornings bro since we're already in a laughing mood so i was thinking about last episode last night you know demented garyvee yeah yeah oh my god don't even bring it back up dude i don't think i don't think i've ever laughed that hard and like just the fact that i was having a panic attack at the same time [Laughter] should we explain what we're talking about just for the people that don't know because if you listen to the bonus episode we play this clip of garyvee talking to this woman he's like what what do you value most in her life and she's like oh my family he's like once a day five times a week i want you to picture someone in your family getting shot in the face [Laughter] no no it's fine i was just thinking about being like you're interested in real estate imagine being tied up and getting sucked off by a thousand people oh no [Laughter] oh no imagine consensually being used by a group of people every hole in your body filled [Music] oh god damn it dude who's your favorite celebrity you like to you like to experiment you like to do new things right what about sucking off somebody's spouse oh man the the joke yesterday that we i think it's honestly the best the hardest hardest for sure i had to leave yeah because i couldn't take it anymore i couldn't hear it because i was like i couldn't breathe i felt like i was going to die literally and i the joke was that like he he actually said that in his tick-tock imagine them getting shot in the face every day and this girl's like what sorry the most extreme things you could say get someone motivated you like crypto right imagine you're getting imagine your balls getting snipped off imagine being tied up and getting sucked off repeatedly by thousands of people consensually until you literally can't come anymore oh man oh [ __ ] [ __ ] no no we have to to move on because i'm just going to keep going do it please do another one you're interested in forex trading picture drowning [Laughter] oh my god i should think about drowning right now right now think about drowning oh my god you're interested in real estate right okay think about being a burn victim like why holy [ __ ] yeah i was just crying laughing because i went to get mcdonald's last night driving home like what if he was sexually demanded i want you to picture me tied up you do whatever you want to me what would you do what would you do tell me what would you do [Laughter] humiliate me perhaps don't we have a really small penis in front of this large room what would you do [Laughter] this is a two day bit man picture me tied up right now would you smack my dick around [Laughter] okay so you want to trade corn futures picture farting in my mouth oh my god oh god i don't know where you go from here it's too good man i'm really thankful for garyvee honestly sam alexa and the best part about that was he deleted that tick tock i know that's the one time he's got embarrassed yeah he got he got i think he got a decent amount of heat from that [Laughter] who would have thought man there was something coming out we've laughed so hard what'd you say i said who would have thought telling one of his fans to picture her family getting shot in the face every day too he's like you know what i do i wake up every day i go in the shower and i picture my family dying [Laughter] imagine being one of the like many 12 year olds scrolling that app and just seeing that and then just my family's gonna die one day just the whole existential crisis hitting like a train nine years old on tick tock imagine your family getting shot in the face mom i love you [ __ ] man i have a piece of like shrapnel in my eye are you good no no no uh gary i gotta be on the figure yeah dude what is this thing you put in my eyebrow can we talk english oh [ __ ] me [ __ ] off so you're interested in getting into angel investing okay picture your eyes being plucked out by a buzzard i can picture it seriously what is going on what is in my eye something from these damn chairs probably hold on could we get the medic in here i need to go to med bay we want to quickly interrupt this week's episode to say thanks to policy genius for sponsoring uh we're almost halfway through the year head into june with one less thing to worry about see if you're overpaying for home and auto insurance yeah policy genius makes it easy to compare home and auto insurance in one place they can help you find home and auto coverage similar to what you have now but at a lower price they've saved shoppers up to one thousand fifty five dollars per year over what they were paying for home and auto insurance before their team will handle the paperwork set up your new policy or switch you over on your current one getting started is easy first head to policygenius.com and answer a few quick questions about yourself and your property then policy genius takes it from there they'll compare rates from america's top insurers from progressive to allstate to find your lowest quotes the policy genius team can look for ways to save you more including bundling your home and auto policies if they find a better rate from what you're paying now they'll switch you over for free their top-notch service has earned policy genius a five-star rating across thousands of reviews on trustpilot and google head to policygenius.com to get started right now policy genius when it comes to insurance it's nice to get it right you guys didn't see it but garyvee has infected my eye for laughing too much and talking [ __ ] yeah he cursed us he must have he must have his ears were burning yeah he's like i'm gonna make your eyes burn [ __ ] yeah you literally was like picture one of your eyes not working now never talk about me again um i'm just gonna close this eye okay is that weird for you no i don't care all right as long as you're fine with it you look like a fetty wap ah look like a fetty wap you look like fetty [ __ ] because i got one eye shut yeah okay excuse me um god man garyvee are so sexually demented that you do this to me imagine me busting a nut in your eyes permanently yep you think i could read one of these books with one of my eyes open that makes no sense [Laughter] i'm so messed up from this whatever is in my eyeball dude this is crazy i think someone got in there and scratched your eye maybe no it's like in it's like a hard piece of crust in there i can feel it me and him are not getting along i know it's a man because only a young childish boy crust would do this to me during such an important moment so just my job do you want to just take a break until you can get it out no i want show must go on i want a podcast man i want a pod dude i want a pod i have good things to say i want a pod i want a pod fool all right maybe if we read an excerpt from this book it can help get us back on track the shape of space this is the shape of space this new science fiction in a grand old tradition larry niven wrote this book i like i was just imagining opening this and something just flies out and into your other eyes gary all right first of all there's this there's this epilogue here which is this first sentence is such a self-suck the shape of larry niven's worlds is unique get over yourself dude you definitely wrote this about yourself and you thoughtfully definitely write this all right y'all wanna know about um the shape of space is this a classic or something it's got a cool cover yeah it's got a cool cover i think i'm sure they saw us coming the alien technologies officer persisted see that ring sir silvery image of the enemy ship almost filled the viewer it showed as a broad wide ring encircling a cylindrical access it's a [ __ ] ring yeah probably they never saw us coming of course i see it said the captain it was rotating when we first picked them up all right we don't care about this story this is a tmg book club yeah i'm already bored that's a prom man that's why i can't read i'm already bored yeah i'm reading this book right now about uh the it's actually really interesting i don't know why i love i love finance books yeah i don't know [ __ ] about economics and finance but i love reading about it honestly um but it's about the flash crash of 2010 like basically like the the futures market and the stock market like dropped dramatically for 10 minutes like a trillion dollars in value or something was wiped out in a matter of like 10 minutes and then it like came back up for some reason and uh they figured out it was just this dude in the uk single guy alone in his bedroom that had written this program to trade futures and to spoof a lot of truth uh a lot of futures so this program basically like created a lot of orders to make it look like there was market activity in order to like push price around wow and so he manipulated the markets and he made like just by doing this he made 70 million dollars and crashed the entire us financial market for 10 minutes and then and then got arrested and uh i think he was put on house arrest for a year and fined i haven't gotten to the end of the book yet but it wasn't any serious jail time or it's just really interesting because high frequency trading like doing it yeah algorithmically is so complex that it's like really no real way to to discern what's spoofing and what's illegal and what's not because it's so complicated and so like it's just i don't know like from 2008 onward there's just like 10 years that i'm trying to figure out legislation and jurisdiction and whatever to like figure out how to put people in jail that are like making a [ __ ] ton of money because they have an advantage wow yeah it's pretty crazy wow anyways that's [ __ ] boring not that you guys would give a [ __ ] about that because it's such a [ __ ] nerd yeah i was gonna say that it's like definitely like a loser ass book to read suck dude i suck i'm never gonna have sex he's just cussing me doing the splits you don't need sex man yeah you don't need sex when you got poker man you ever heard of stoicism yeah you don't need it man all you need is up here that's it everything you need is right here ow yeah nice dude nice yeah i'm gonna box later and my left kneecap my kneecap has pain nice which i've never felt before so i'm just not looking forward to that yeah just just old yeah man i have to expose myself sorry to everyone on video no i was i just [ __ ] put that together what the [ __ ] is wrong with me i was like oh explode duh i'm so [ __ ] stupid you know for a nerd i'm really stupid being a nerd i'm just a dumbass no i was watching so i'll i'll record myself boxing just like to get better and i was why i watched my most recent clip of me and i caught myself doing this weird like air humping thing i was like what my coach didn't notice it no one in the room would have noticed it because like i think it's natural to focus on the mitts but i started looking at my feet because i like wanted to make my footwork better and i realized i'm like what am i doing and every now and then i would do this weird thing where i would like move my legs first and then my hands so it created like this weird like because my hands are postured up it looks like i'm just like [ __ ] the air real quick that's sick like a tick tock dance yeah it's like a quick little way you're doing this [ __ ] you're doing this [ __ ] yay coach is like what are you doing man what's up what do you mean what's up no it's just just [Laughter] yeah it was like i was like cringing like screaming at my phone bro what are you doing bro stop it just making my little layer jiggle a little bit every time i hit it it's like a little yeah like you and your [ __ ] jello rim right there just move fluid stop that whatever you're doing man your little your [ __ ] pouch right here yeah my pal hit one of these my god damn um i'm building a fanny pack worth of lard nice up here just a ring of lards good man you need those reserves for the winner yeah that's how you get thick yeah i realize that's how you get thick as a bodybuilder you just put it all on and then you have to cut it down so that's why it takes 17 years to get roided ripped because it's just many you know cycles of jello yeah take away yeah more jello yeah take away yeah it's finally hit me but yeah just chuckling i was gonna make a gif and send it to the talking points throw but then i said no one can ever have this footage [ __ ] dude isn't that the worst worst feeling ever because you get that in surfing too where like uh when you film yours it just feels way [ __ ] cooler than what it actually looks like and every time i see a video of myself surfing i'm like just demoralized like those videos of me at the surf range they look cool but like it felt like i was shredding like on another planet dude like [ __ ] so yeah yeah no uh we're gonna take a quick break to thank another sponsor of today's episode and that is better help is there something interfering with your happiness or is preventing you from achieving your goals uh well betterhelp will assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist you start communicating in under 48 hours it's not a crisis line and it's not self-help it is a professional counseling done securely online there's a broad range of expertise available which may not be locally available in many areas betterhelp is committed to facilitating great therapeutic matches so they make it easy and free to change counselors if needed it's more affordable than traditional offline counseling and financial aid is available betterhelp wants you to start living a happier life today a visit betterhelp.com tmg that's better h-e-l-p and join over 1 million people who have taken charge of their mental health with the help of experienced professionals in fact so many people have been using better help that they are recruiting additional counselors in all 50 states this podcast is sponsored by betterhelp and our listeners get 10 off their first month at betterhelp.com tmg same thing with uh same thing with karting karting when you're in the cart it feels like that thing is going to explode the whole time like yeah you feel every every bump in the road but then like from the exterior just like yeah why is that the case i don't know man sucks dude yeah yeah i've i actually wanted to make a video about karting and cash has come with me a bunch and i even had nemo come out one day and grab some footage just to like see and i've like reviewed all the footage and none of it captures what it feels like in the slightest so i'm like i just have opted not to make the video yeah i mean it just doesn't translate yeah that's exactly why i don't make surfing videos because it's just unless you're like really good none of the footage looks cool no so but maybe one day i don't know maybe we'll get good enough in our respective hottie hobbies actually make cool content i mean i bought a cart man i got i bought an engine you bought one yeah i bought an engine and i'm waiting for the frame and all that to be built so that's sick yeah i'll probably probably get to get busy on that thing in like june nice but yeah i'm pretty hyped [ __ ] yeah pretty hype man you should um we should go so you can uh you want a real back workout dude first of all i just super down i just wanna on the record say sam you can kiss my ass sam shots yeah why you can kiss my ass why he was he he took a shot at me the other day in our gamer thread what is he's like the only thing dumber than some game is getting into go-karting i was like okay all right puss bag all right bud yeah let's take your big doofus weightlifting ass take you down to the track see if you can hang in a cart even two sessions with me brother he could not that dude is has the coordination of a newborn child i know because well he has baby arms he's gonna be so fast oh no he is sam it's all right we know you developed everywhere else but your arms from age zero like sam we're gonna be in a zombie apocalypse we're gonna throw a ladder down off some building we're like catch this ladder and sam's gonna be like i can't because his arms won't be able to clear his head so he's gonna have to get it with his teeth and then we're gonna have to hoist him up by his teeth jesus oh my god no seriously i i want you to try just you could feel the hell that comes after the first there's nothing like the first session you're back it feels like gary vee tied you up it's like the most painful [ __ ] and you don't even understand how cause like you're like at the end of the day like i'm just driving this stupid little cart yeah how could it really make me this hurt it's the weirdest sensation because race car drivers are not like ripped f1 guys are kind of ripped but like you look at them they're built like worms right but they're strong as [ __ ] yeah i don't get it but yeah anyway rachel hollis um no uh by the way we want to say that we're recording this uh we did the last episode yesterday yeah recording early so if some of our stuff that we're talking about isn't isn't you know entirely topical that's because we're kind of a week behind yeah but uh that's because we um we're just trying to make this episode evergreen yes ever evergreen evergreen a great name for like a weed company actually yeah well do you want to stomp on rachel hollis or no i actually want to i think we should taste test surge oh yeah i think we should do that yeah i think that uh let's do that first and i also think we should do the conspiracy theory segment we have a segment where we have conspiracy theories and they're just one-liners and we have to guess whether they're real or not yep yep i like it but first oh yeah thank you kyle thanks bro you don't need the mask there's no covert up here we're all tested yeah we're in space too it doesn't exist there's no coven in space unless one of you brought it so when were we originally talking about surge again uh a while back i was just thinking you know we should get the original surge in the spirit of you know the uh white claw surge oh yes that's what it was and because this is a true space drink right you know yeah like this feels like you drink it in space it really does this looks like alien blood doesn't it okay this looks like the rumor in human high school was you have to preface when you're up here by the way sometimes you get in conversations with people and they're like well in alien school we didn't have that and you're like oh yeah my bad right so in human high school and junior high the rumor was at surge i think it like shrunk your dick or something no way that's sick yeah super helpful for guys like us yeah exactly [ __ ] i need that yeah you know it's the everyone said the yellow five is what shrunk your dick i don't know do they do did they do uh penis reductions where they just you know they take a little bit of length off so it doesn't hurt your back anymore but they actually make it a nicer shape yeah they do that right they do do that yeah were you interested in something like that yeah yeah i am i'm in the market for that all right let's taste test by the way i'm going to drink one sip of that this and that's it because yesterday i'm never drinking red bull ever again yeah i realized so clearly after because like you know what when you have anxiety and panic attacks there's so many other factors that might play into it yeah yesterday like now that i'm doing the 75 hardship i'm not eating or drinking i'm eating i'm eating as healthy as i can i'm only drinking water so i cut out everything else besides like one small cup of coffee in the morning that's it and now so the only other factor yesterday was i drank a red bull and i [ __ ] felt like i was gonna die all day yeah couldn't sleep either like it lasted till this morning remember when between the two of us i was the first one to get panic attacks yeah and when i got the one when we did our show in san francisco i remember distinctly like you're trying to like you're like i understand that you're saying you had this thing i don't know really what that is yeah and then you got it like six months later and you're like you got that on stage yeah yeah so because and then and then as soon as that happens it's achievement unlocked yeah panic attacks and it's just forever with you yeah yeah every day every day it's with you you start feeling a little bit every single day how was it never a thing in my life before that your body your body's just like can we go for the million today can we have a soul-crushing experience at a pivotal moment in their life let's find out all right shall i sit it tastes like mountain dew well i just spilled this [ __ ] all over me oh god that definitely shrinks your penis yeah i can already feel it i can feel it going smaller and smaller oh my dude oh my dick is getting smaller which is super helpful because it's just way too large for these pants all right that's it [ __ ] i'm not taking another sip of that [ __ ] i'm not i feel fine right now for once oh genuinely bro this is like it's pretty good stop lying i think it's good it doesn't like even have a taste i mean you put sugar in anything and i'll i'll eat that [ __ ] up yeah yeah i love the sorry i just love the nutritional fact here less than one percent juice who's asking also what why is that a flex yeah less than one percent juice oh yeah that was the thing back in the soda companies back in the day probably it's probably like an unspoken thing we don't get what like fda probably required a little bit of juice and they're just flexing on each other yeah we got no juices yeah yeah 99 chemicals [Laughter] probably yeah i can imagine teenagers being like ew yours has two percent juice [ __ ] you drink two percent yeah how do you surge man i do sub one watch homie yeah mine is 99 chernobyl chernobyl waste yeah and one percent juice yeah they actually took like some some lady from chernobyl and like ran her hair through a faucet and just wrung it out and that's what's in my can you know what's also funny it there's no flavor here of citrus i guess but what do you think what kind of juice do you think it is they don't discern uh meat juice juice it's just raw meat juice i think they squeezed a pack of turkey they take they take the chicken out of the plastic [ __ ] and yes there's a little chicken juice at the bottom someone's puking right now bro bro i was unpackaging chicken and i dropped a piece of the plastic on the ground and it was covered in chicken juice and chili went over that just started licking it and like for you know like for things he like there's certain things that turn him into like a little satan dog there's these chicken bones that have like crystallized chicken and not [ __ ] not real chicken bones they're bones that have like chicken sugar crystals on the outside right and he if you try to get those out of your his mouth if he has one he'll try and bite you wow and this was the same thing but i had no idea because i was like it's chicken juice it's [ __ ] disgusting tastes nothing like actual chicken i don't know for a dog oh my god and i went to get it from here that's when you hold up the raw chicken in his face yeah yeah so you like that you want this this is a little [ __ ] all right let me just i can't what is this the untold truth of serge it's this headline it actually does shrink your penis this is a long ass article yeah i read it what's the gist basically surge had to be canceled because it um looked like and had the same name as a milking company's um uh like dairy milking company's um main product which was called surge so this company who like makes machines that no hold on hold on do you say dairy milking company yes oh surge and it's called babson bros um but it's green colored industrial cleaning liquid is called surge and they had trademarked it so they made a deal with coke to take it off the market that's boring coke eventually bro that's [ __ ] lame as [ __ ] yeah i thought it was going to be like poisonous or something cool no uh surge was originally going to be a birth defect imagine how sick that would be like if they had to take it off the market because it just [ __ ] a bunch of children yeah yeah it accidentally a nurse splashed it on a baby and that's how we got spider-man yeah yeah exactly yeah what yeah no not as cool that's what a what a buzzkill yeah this sucks what a nerd i'm not gonna drink we made it first and ours cleans dairy no one cares dude unless you're putting it on the shelf and we can choose yeah shut up so true man shut up unless you're letting us drink it go away you literally weren't invited it's defu man it's the food bro you literally clean dog you clean dairy machines dog i know you look at this body and think this is a dairy machine but it's not yeah it's just a jello shot maybe not even you don't even work with the cool type of milkers yeah you look you work with real milkers that's boring that's the lame just the food [Laughter] it's the foo noob what's the food noob um [ __ ] so bill gates and melinda gates dude they broke up and honestly so love isn't real you know yeah they were so good together man i was just picturing with like like stands for playing yeah breakup note like they wouldn't ever like literally like if bill and melinda aren't together love is no don't hope for it anymore man bro they were so [ __ ] good together man can you imagine that you imagine them making a youtube video trying to explain yeah hi guys we're here on microsoft teams letting you all know that melinda and i have decided to part ways she's just like fro sterile from the 19 test vaccines that bill gates up with she's just like like high as god just like trying to like come to to be like yes we're broken up she's going through a little bit of a self-trial something we've been both working on i'm a lizard so it doesn't affect me as much but remember you can sign up for a vaccine using microsoft teams [Laughter] anyways yeah man i just i really was laughing at all the memes to be honest i really did just like what were they just just uh bill like just booking his trip to miami with the boys oh okay okay yeah yeah just picturing him as like an absolute horn dog billionaire horn dog yeah it's white boy summer boy no bill come on aren't you like 75 just pulling up yeah my dick's 48. yeah bill it's still old still an old dick my dick is windows 10 if you know what i'm saying yeah yeah oh [ __ ] he could definitely afford afford panuma yeah bill could um imagine bill pulling up in his big ass yacht you know like some summer party yeah big ass megaphone hello everyone i'm utilizing microsoft teams to let you know that it is white boy summer i am std free by the way all the boats going away bill's here bill bill bill bill bill gates the single guy i bought the rights to that song so i can do that now it's technically my song boom boom boom bro he's 65 really that's it dang my guy looks way older than 65 yeah yeah i'm sorry my guy looks like he's been incubating in a pickle jar yeah seriously it's just crusty that's melinda dude they were so good together man i wish they did so good together i wish they did a youtube video i know that looks like one doesn't yeah hi guys i don't i don't even know how to start this video [Applause] i'm not gonna cry i'm really not i'm a billionaire but um me and melinda are it's over this i'm sorry this is like our fourth time recording this video we tried like four times and every time because bill forgets where he is hi board of directors no bill bill this is our breakup video oh right hi guys it's bill here and i just want to say that um after 40 great years of being with melinda we've decided that i'm [ __ ] stoked to be single bill bill do you have a boner you've had a boner in 10 years i'm sorry honey i'm torqued up send you johnson and johnson strain i'm working on gets you hard as nails yeah bro this is a party called programmer bros and windows yeah thank you kyle thank you kyle [Laughter] this is my impression of bill gates in miami coming off of his you know inviting nine college girls on his billion dollar yacht right you know i have a i have a secret version of windows that no one's heard about i don't know what it is what is it windows sex me [Laughter] that's so bad dude i know no it's windows sex me it's like xp no i get it i get it it's also kind of like one of those 2000 me edition do you have any cocaine or not yeah yeah inside window sex me there's a lot of cocaine you're leaving why oh no uh you don't have to oh no nothing i was gonna say something about a firewall and him [ __ ] without a condom but it wasn't really yeah no hit it i'm scd-free you won't need norton antivirus [Laughter] i don't know why i keep picturing bill gates like feeling the need to brag about the fact he doesn't have stds you know it's been out of the game for a while and people have seds now right you don't have to worry pat mccaffey antivirus is nowhere near this dick nothing to worry about no viruses here maybe a little bit of malware because i've been spying on you bill bill bill bill bill i wonder who bill gates first new bae is gonna be that's just some like instagram model that would be that would just be like that'd be bad just a 20 year old yeah like oh come on bill bill what you you can't do that bill no i'm gonna say his first his first smash is gonna be it's gonna be like his name paula cheese that came out so fast bro [Laughter] you didn't even hesitate bill why don't you come over to my place i'll cook you some cinnamon buns salmon buns yo you said paula deen like it was family views paul paula dean paul dean oh my god we didn't watch that clip did you see that family feud clip of the guy barking at the girl the girls did that dude did we do did i send that clip to the thread no i thought that was fake i thought that was like edited together i mean i don't care if it's faker it's like one of the funniest clips ever is it fake steve is like isn't that your wife right there and then the guy's like no she's watching at home bro sorry i'm just still i'm still stuck on bill why don't you come over and i'll make you some sami i'll make you some good some good southern corn i i don't know if paula paula dean's like what about laura dern uh no no no he's not getting with laura dern she's too cool yeah no damn bill and paula deen that would be wretched are you like looking at pictures of her yeah i'm looking at her right you didn't know what she looked like i forgot what she looked like bruh she's like ursula's a coke dealer nailed it damn it she is there she is imagining look at that smile right there yeah she is frightening you want to eat this salmon cake yeah oh no salmon cake no no why don't you dive on this fish bill [Laughter] the river is always open in poland town stop stop stop you never had some good old-fashioned louisiana crawfish have you get that hammer over there you have to break this crustacean wide open pussy's like crab you gotta crack it open [Laughter] you got a cracker [ __ ] [Laughter] jesus [ __ ] bro oh that's disgusting that's a power couple yeah that is a power couple yes the lvm smashing would be awful no don't don't put bill next to laura man i don't want to picture laura i don't want to picture bill just pleasuring him yeah i don't want to think about that this is about the same way i came up with windows xp the real one just like this i was having sex yo let's find the steve harvey clip real quick this can you do do you have that luke did i send it no here we go i bet i find it right now in two seconds okay um that's easy man oh wait family feud barking i have it hold on i have it i believe i got it you got it yep oh man we should we should have a new game show oh this would be sick new game show excuse me oh my god fastest to reference or something like that i get a panel of people i'm man i'm doing this on youtube i'm doing this on my channel i'm doing this [ __ ] i'm gonna get three strangers i'm gonna give them references find it as fast as you can okay oh i like that you play a reference like find this video i like that that's a great idea it's like kind of like a wikipedia speed run yeah cash prize cash and surprise you get cash all right run this clip man this [ __ ] is hilarious this truck [Music] no i actually like this better because we got proof that that wasn't edited are you joking me bro isn't that wild she she was shaking her boobs to distract him and he goes and steve just like got gut instinct was like what the [ __ ] is this you can't do that [ __ ] it was that was like zero percent like uh you know like orchestrated or tv anything it was just it came from steve hardy's harvey's gut knock that off man oh dude what are you shut the [ __ ] up shut up bro you creep dude he didn't even plant you i played again let's get that push again [Laughter] embarrassed face on the other guys [Laughter] bro come yeah yeah i can't blame them you know can you imagine bill at a bar just barking at women nursing a drink a row yeah he doesn't know how to arf arf yapping at girls [Music] i'm picturing i'm just not good at it people down [Laughter] i got nothing on that alien predator noise just the predator noise just does he just locks on who did that is that you yeah jesus christ oh bill's going feral he's up on the bar on all fours like a gargoyle we gotta get him down he's gonna start peeing himself puts [ __ ] in his hand thro slaps it on the [ __ ] bar bar counter bill's horny again his eyes are red starting to grow hair on his face fangs he hasn't had sex in 50 years this is what sex about 50 years due to a man down bad am i right uh-oh sauce among us 4k [Laughter] my man is down bad oop got him in 4k he's got a whipping [ __ ] around the bar he's got a full-on tail laser beam coming out of his mouth [Music] he's hitting glass drinks like flying across the bar shattering on walls oh got him in 4k [Music] imposter alert oh bill was horny the whole time hey all right we gotta [ __ ] go we're going to the bonus right now and coming up on the bonus coming up in the bonus 3d printing elon musk will or will he eat his ass on live on air on snl we'll find out see you soon patreon.com for bonus episodes by the way see you there

Channel: TMG Studios

Views: 660,387

Keywords: Bill, Melinda, Gates, Foundation, Surge, Joe, Rogan, Garyvee, Gary, Vaynerchuk, Surfing, Driving, Karting, Paula, Deen, White, Boy, Summer

Id: LbDh2HLumWY

Length: 65min 41sec (3941 seconds)

Published: Thu May 13 2021