Episode 124 - Cheat an STD Test

what's up guys welcome to TMZ podcasts this is actually last week's episode if you want today's episode that'll be on our patreon right now you can get it a week early if you contribute its patreon calm slash tiny meet gang so thanks if you do that and if not enjoyed this one who's hey hey hey hey hey hey welcome back to the podcast welcome back to the podcast which a big booty fat ass what I think said he had a good cold open oh yeah was that it no no it wasn't it speaking asses unfortunately the man down say Walter guy's ass beat oh yeah okay you know we're going right in to fight our right in a fight our look I'm not gonna break down the technicals of the fight okay look as much as Beyonce is a is an insane knockout puncher you know I think his fundamentals were questioned by a lot of people and you know a lot of people were curious to see how he's gonna hold up the second time around because you know the first fight didn't exactly go his way you know it was still a tough battle for him but the real question after watching that fight that I had was do you think you could take a swift spanking from Tyson Fury uh like I I'm in pom spent your naked ass do you gonna handle it handle it as in like survive yeah we're handle it isn't like like take it like a man you're like like or like what does that mean like could she let it rip like open palm full swing Wow when her ass [ __ ] yeah and do you think you stand there just take it's like well I mean like what what are you what's the criteria for like am I allowed to like shed a tear or oh I don't think about that um like weep softly or like now you can't show any sign of pain oh so you just have to be that yeah yeah yeah yeah and is it is he doing it because you got like in trouble for something yeah you've been a bad boy yeah like are you in the wrong you know cuz that might affect how you handle it if you're like I deserved it you're in timeout yeah if you're like a timeout or yeah yeah you've been like yeah let's say you didn't deserve it but he's gonna let you have it anyway okay that puts a little bit of an emotional strain on you vegans spanked if you didn't deserve it I think that what is this what I didn't he wasn't even trying to go like Daddy baby roleplay this is the game like a PDS and what's the safe word every do I have a gag in yet could you handle getting spanked on the ass by Tyson Fury with a gag ball in your I mean it's just like after the box episode everything's just gonna devolve into this now yes yeah exactly no I think that I could I you know as a 6 foot tall person myself I feel like I'm I'm I couldn't handle it even even being six foot yeah exactly yeah yeah I still couldn't handle it I don't know I was just answer this as like a like actually me getting spanked by either those dudes that would have to hurt why am I thinking about getting spanked by that don't [ __ ] ask yeah thinking when you're watching this I can fly yeah the fight alright I was thinking like you know if one of these dudes spam could I take it let's just say you're in your head let's just SAP it a bad boy yeah Tyson I've been a bad boy hey are you gonna dude am I the only one that thinks like watching them fight is like looks goofy cuz they're so tall no every movement is like this giant maneuver yes it looks like nothing looks calculated no nothing looks accurate it's all just like oh yeah yeah if you if you I mean they're fantastic and it's fun to watch but still it's not like no they're not they don't look how you know like anyone from 135 to 185 look like yeah it's like you know it's like real like you know the movement he has real tight yeah ya know I've always felt that way I mean that's like the best [ __ ] about heavyweights in the UFC because you're watching them and they can think of you know they could have like you know they could they could be very composed fighters but you know all it takes is one all it takes is one big looping goofy hand yeah someone's gonna hit the [ __ ] mat before we left for Auckland I was watching the UFC Auckland event and there is this dude he's never been knocked out um goddammit what is this [ __ ] name hold on hold on this dude's got a [ __ ] mean haircut I mean look this [ __ ] up dude was it no knockout Neal no was no knockout um Nelson okay yeah it's also like their arms are so long that every punch looks like it's hitting the back of their head yeah can play every shot looks like it's cheating you know ompletely um I guess uh wasn't in debt Deontay Wilder don't they well there you he's bleeding out of his ear so I guess what happens in that case is it's either like a busted eardrum or it's something way more severe yeah and you could basically have like irreparable damage to like your brain or whatever the [ __ ] like it could be permanent concussions for life basically or someone has this I don't know I was reading that on some you know read it I mean sports right on another website but it yeah was something like that oh yeah I loved the spanking thing was gonna be funnier I like I said cuz we were at the [ __ ] you're at the Devonport Ferry station and Matt was talking about the fight and I just was like yeah if you get spanked by one of those dudes it was it was a good chuckle um where is my boy man oh here we go Ben Sasse Oh Lee Vance is solely poor guy poor look he's got he's got a vicious haircut I can't even show this so wait what's the deal um so he's got like he's got like a like a buzz cut but then he has his mullet in the back that's hard as hell dude so buddy cos her nails yeah buddy can scrap and and he's a tough ass dude and he goes into this fight with his Brazilian dude who had like a year off or something as first fight in a year and they they're big boys you know like 200 plus and immediately his dude Miguel is just like like [ __ ] super composed pointed accuracy shots and watching Ben's [ __ ] big-ass head scoop the announcers like now Ben so solely take a lot of damage here he's never been knocked and then it happens it has he saying it I don't know is it with him it was within like 30 seconds of oh my god never been knocked out before he taking a lot of damage here then Wow laughs hahaha what and then just blue similar thing took one behind the head and just like he got clapped on the side of the head and he just fell forward he's went oh and then then they then he took one more than they rolled him over he's like what I was fine and the refs like you weren't fine dude no windows restarted dude yeah you know they play you're like Kesha during the instant replay I'm going down [ __ ] humiliating that would be [ __ ] replay they're rewinding it and it's going fast slow I'm yelling timber take talkable moment here at the UFC skins are [ __ ] doing that [ __ ] on tick tock scan your QR code and meme the knockout who's got the best knockout meme we've got the best concussion meme tweet us now hashtag timber timbres tag no knockout Neal dude you know we gotta actually talk about though hmm for a little bit at least 20 to 30 minutes is Jake but no you know not that Hobbes and Cha oh yeah yeah good movie man no we talked about this before and I was saying like action movie coverage is hilarious because they they [ __ ] that amount of money is stupid it's ridiculous they they get they get like background guys reloading guns yeah they're telling like 15 different plot lines look at the credits for those movies are [ __ ] so funny it's like first unit second unit third unit fourth unit fifth unit it's like how many [ __ ] people we have like a background 18 yeah yeah background b-team and like so what [ __ ] going it's just so much movie most movie I've I've ever watched it's so much and every scene is so scene yeah it's like dude that when I'm watching the one where they find out that she is when she links with Hobbs and Shah who no Hobbs his sister or whatever and she is the virus yeah and they basically their conversation ensues and it's it's they figure out she has the virus yeah that she's gonna die if they don't fix whatever the [ __ ] happens and they weigh all the options it's either they kill her immediately hmm and you know like eviscerate her body you know or they have to find the machine yeah and extract it yeah but the machine is in an impossible place to get to yes there's this scientist but what that all happens in like 15 seconds yeah and so she goes from thinking that she's gonna die to to thinking she's not gonna die and then thinking okay actually yeah I should probably die - oh wait there's a there's a chance then I'm gonna live and then like okay we're gonna go for this all while his her brother's right there going through that same wave of emotion of my sister might die yeah this is all happening like 15 [ __ ] seconds yeah yeah and I'm watching this thing like just sweating and it's funny at the same time I'm like how are they doing this yeah they they just manage to make every every dialogue every piece of dialogue feels really serious for 10 seconds and then it has some comedic [ __ ] with it and yeah yeah I and I hate how like AI driven all the dialogue is yeah we have to go into the heavily fortified thing with the thing inside with the machine with the doctor bad dick or she dies no one dies on my watch it was like it was like a it was like a romance comedy and like a family comedy but also like a buddy like these like top film these guys are also best for they become best friend also a rock film and also a lost a home phone and also a film about Samoa yeah yeah and also British super agent film all-in-one somehow they [ __ ] pulled that literally Tony movies and when I let's just [ __ ] when at the end when they couple all those cars to their helicopter dude you know what watching that movie is it's just it's just you saying come on yeah yeah forty times yeah come on yeah come on then by the end of it you're like [ __ ] come on yeah come on yeah yeah great [ __ ] movie is what that with a couple all those cars you're like oh this is part of the Fast and Furious franchise yeah yeah yeah oh you don't get that until yeah 89 90 you're like oh [ __ ] that's yeah that's the big and it dude I love how first of all I'm not gonna say the rock is a bad actor but I love when he does a movie just to be the rock yeah yeah yeah like he just to be Buffett yeah and to be like hey come over here I'm gonna be your ass yeah like when they do the little sequence when they walk through the two sides and like like like Jason Statham's character like he goes like this intense like yeah karate yell can ya segment and the rock is just the rock walking on the other side and there are tons of old wrestling fans who are like goddamn that is [ __ ] cool just be the rock do you smell it that's all there dude it's just watching him be the rock in a buddy-cop filling me in a movie about Samoa and like the fact that they went back to Samoa and she like that it's just I feel like the rock wrote that no because it was his real mom no completely he ya just they were gonna make that film and then he's like well if you want to be part of this movie I need a free vacation to Samoa and what it is moving Samoa yeah also we have to write in the fact that I haven't seen my family in a while because I really haven't like he would that beef with his brother was real dude that whole in fact this brother was a [ __ ] car mechanic and he fixed this you fix this machine bra that's gonna debtor that's gonna like it's an antidote for like the world's most powerful virus yeah bro why did you just call him to start yeah what'd you do all the other stuff why'd he just hit him up to build a bomb to blow that whole place up or build it clearly he's smarter [ __ ] I would have loved it if they were like we have to go into this heavily fortified fortress to get the machine to extract the virus from your sister or she dies and then chases talen just looks at his sister and he shoots her walk done mate done the rocks look up its credit and Hobbs his sister is replaying him shooting her in the [ __ ] brain we have to go to the fortress or savior doesn't even wait for him to finish I was thinking the whole day right at least at the end I was thinking like this is the just the most the writers were like how could we write a movie about these two guys these two [ __ ] alpha males becoming friends yeah in the most absurd way possible yeah what's the craziest two hours yeah good right leading up to these two [ __ ] alpha males just putting aside their differences being like we should work together actually dude I watched two movies I forget the directors name I feel like an [ __ ] but I watched two Lina and I watched two movies directed by him and then rock no no the director Hobson shot oh no and then Lina mentioned that they hired him for an Apple spot okay and the spot was him shooting like a snowball action sequence with the iPhone actually pretty [ __ ] crazy because you know that's the one thing that you take for granted in a film like that you're just like oh this is so much money and clearly this was easy and like that dude the the spot he directed for this snowball fight is [ __ ] crazy really it's crazy it feels exactly like a Hobbs and Shawn movie or like a high budget action film with just an iPhone like the way he thinks about like getting angles and like capturing action you're just like yo this is [ __ ] yeah and like the way he's like thinking about moving the camera and stuff so as Goofy's that movie was like that dude I give a lot of credit to cuz to think in the way he does oh yeah I can't fight scenes I was like how could you ever even see this in your head mmhmm yeah yeah if they were cohesive like they all made sense and there's so much [ __ ] happening mmm in again like the 1520 seconds yeah segments yeah that to actually like have an audience member be like oh oh he threw that guy over this shoulder yeah then he actually came through with this arm yeah and all that [ __ ] totally made sense to me it's like that's so hard to do it with the 30 cuts that happen like yeah there's so much cutting in as movies yeah yeah for it to all not only like [ __ ] make sense but the fact that like they can take something so complex and like like make you retain the whole movie yeah you know what I mean like it's one thing to like like watch the fight it'll be like understand interesting what happened boy get all that's it to walk out of the movie buddy you see Hobbes and Shaw well was it a man's foot it's pretty cool I mean the rock and Statham they start well and then they go to Samoa and yeah which movie do you want yeah yeah it's a it's a six act movie so you'd be very specific about well part of the movie want to know yeah bro I'm glad you watched it that [ __ ] is so that puts every three-part [ __ ] like Harry Potter part one you know all those look at it puts that [ __ ] to shame get out of here you can tell they disprove you can tell nine stories the studio was like if we gave you a billion dollars we really don't think he could spend it the director is like give me a second hey yeah yeah give me one second here's this pitch deck is just how about seven movies in one movie Hollywood is like oh yeah oh yeah drops is great that's like this [ __ ] big but it's all just [ __ ] action it is I didn't like I didn't even think about it that way when if when I first watched it that it it is 17 movies in one yeah I remember watching it and the Samoa part happen and I was thinking like this is a whole other [ __ ] movie I know I know transition - it was so [ __ ] funny and like slick and like like this is the fact that they they they called Kevin Hart they're like hey man just want to thank you for that plane you Santa yeah and I was just as a viewer I was like oh yeah that happened totally yeah I believe that totally and then I'm like wait that was so like they didn't even [ __ ] zero footage [ __ ] private jet that they took that little sequence between the three of those pretty funny I was a hilarious they were Ryan Reynolds was really funny - yeah yeah the movie was like Nemec funny bro I don't even know how you [ __ ] planning for a film like that yeah off yeah [ __ ] off anyway I have a one of the wines from your minibar yeah a couple people like they you know the alcohol the Sun the saucy episode the sauce episode yeah I can't drink anything in there so sorry guys otherwise I would now that Cody's not here we can talk about the fun stuff wobbly on the plane hmm what's that wobbly pop I was that like a whirly were leaderly yeah oh that's like slippery suds yeah exactly cheers Cheers yeah what else nothing oh I watched this [ __ ] Rando like like mini doc of this dude who got in a bar fight and he got that he got the [ __ ] beat out of him so hard that he woke up a savant in what could happen like you can you can get into an accident or something and like experience brain trauma that like unlocks a part of your own way [ __ ] crazy was it what was he good at yeah so all you nerds getting your ass beat I want to hear you complaining all right you're bullies doing you a favor he's increasing your IQ but what was he a savant F so um he was like before it's actually kind of crazy so before he got his ass beat uh he is just like a it was like a jock he's like a bodybuilder he was like ripped like good-looking dude and he goes ass kicked at a borrowed is like really funny how he like skipped over why the guys beat his ass okay like I was just drinking and then couple guys followed me out and you know they just sucker-punched me I'm like oh no you definitely want to be in a drunk [ __ ] in your arm yeah I mean maybe he wasn't maybe yeah or I like to imagine what he was in there just being a [ __ ] tool and these guys were like now we're gonna beat his ass maybe he was just singing so good yeah that they were like we [ __ ] this guy and hey did living like some Midwest a [ __ ] or like ah he wanted them gay fellers yeah that beautiful voice those beautiful pops of his beat that gate that pot we got a beat that gay voice out of him a gay beautiful voice we got a beat of right clean out of him yeah so they beat his ass and he wakes up with like insane IQ which is just so funny oh so he's just smart like overall wakes up you said savant I think that usually means like he's like a genius at a particular thing is you know it is you just woke up like yeah like a idiot savant so like he so he woke up and he could see he could see fractals like in everything like he can like like he like looked at like objects and he could see fractals and in like how like them like the mathematics bah like behind what was creating the shape and it was like he was like everything he looks at is like he can visualize like small circles and like drilling them down to like really like fine detail and he he failed like basic math so he the way he discovered that he was a savant was he was like going [ __ ] crazy because he after awake like coming out of the fight or whatever he's just like sitting in his house and he like developed OCD out of nowhere he had all the blinds off and like he didn't leave his house for like three days when he finally went outside he was like starting to see all these circles and [ __ ] and it was driving him mad cuz he's like what the [ __ ] is happened to me so he became like a madman and he's like sitting in a mall one day just like with a ruler drawing what he's seeing and he's like it's like this weird fractal that he's drawing and a physicist walks by him and he goes oh are you sketching out like this and that like whatever [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah yeah whatever smart guy she was talking about and the guys like the the guy was like oh no he was like I don't know this is just what I see so he started taking math classes and he's just like [ __ ] just destroying like just smartest [ __ ] they say oh yeah that's like a good if you solve for this and did it now I guess he's like a math professor or something and like he can articulate what he was seeing what wait this is a documentary it was like a mini doc yeah like he look this dude oh that's wild yeah he can like visualize fractals and like he's like a super Simone I like math damn yeah we're gonna get beat up more yeah we gotta get her ass beat yeah yeah so next time get your ass beat next time your parents are beating your ass they're making you smarter yeah yeah sure don't you all can feign a favor mother just take it stop complaining just just yeah just like I'm gonna wake up just excited yeah well what if I'm good at art keep going there's also that dude he's like he's he's a savant is his IQ overall is lower it's like it's like super low but like when it comes to memory and like sculpting it's like insanely highly he just look at an image once and then he can just take a look at piece of clay oh yeah you seen this dude I forget his name but yeah that's that's crazy yeah but that that's like also that's like a common characteristic with people that have like photographic memory like that mmm is they can look at like a picture or something and then redraw it yeah yeah yeah perfectly yeah people that are savants in that way his thing was just like he can again sculpt like to great details great whatever the [ __ ] he just saw that's sick is actually there's like this video that was a vsauce video spock actually told me about this one talking about like for a monkey memory like they they have photographic memory lists so there's this game that the these chimps are playing oh boy oh boy and turning to joe rogan right here here goes right here chimps are [ __ ] amazing yeah but they'll tear your [ __ ] face off in a matter of a second take your [ __ ] dick off don't piss those guys off not so the game is that these these monkeys are in like a laboratory and the game they play is like smart by the way these monkeys yeah these monkeys yes so monkeying around yeah I was like it's like a grid like a smoking room they don't it's a grid and it just flashes numbers like half a second and then they can like you know point the numbers in sequence and also be like 1 2 3 4 5 s or whatever and for humans we have to like look at that like several times and memorize it and monkeys or at least chimpanzees I think they they don't have that like and I think it's because their brain is wired to detect like threat ok and other stuff like really fast so it just made me think in the context of like when people think of like combating with an animal like if they're like I don't hikers they do for the chimp came out here do I'm gonna [ __ ] do it you're not gonna do any that fool can look at you once he's gonna rip your face off he just knows exactly what the [ __ ] you got on you yeah you imagine having that [ __ ] degree of memory no I know Jamie can we pull up the yeah that's it that just blew my [ __ ] mind look at something for half a second and memorize all of it yeah crazy that is pretty [ __ ] wild I'm trying to think what you could apply that to um cheating on a test STD test and cheating on an STD test what do you want to do that I mean you know just trying to get by just trying to get by cheating on an STD what you put four four seven yeah yeah but no but now okay okay oh gosh you know but no that's the that's the bad one I hope but no did I actually I was reading a cheating on STD tests or whatever I was I've read I don't know hold oh good you read that what actually trying to achieve an STD and relieve you come back clean I'll [ __ ] yo bro can I borrow like a liter of blood what the she would you mind pissing and bleeding in this yeah just don't just don't you did you piss and bleed in this don't ask any questions dude I just need it you just really need it I just really need it you got like this [ __ ] patch on your bicep with the [ __ ] blood yeah you're trying to get her to draw from that area and then I like it right here I get right here this is a good vein right here is a good vein that's a good one is a perfect vein it's just a straw sir this is I need this [ __ ] ma'am I need you to draw the blood from this area right here some dark [ __ ] dude anyway you're reading about how to treat her man no I was gonna say some other [ __ ] I don't want to say it anymore now I'm thinking about [ __ ] coronavirus honestly yeah I just popped back in my head yeah we we [ __ ] it's gonna be yeah even by the time this episode comes out for free mm-hmm it's gonna be way [ __ ] worse yeah you can just feel it can you just [ __ ] feel it the corona yeah vos jeux d'eau very sweating starts spinning acid can Corona bars kill you there are deaths from your idea I don't know it's like compromised immune system is that we have probably if you have like if you're yeah week yeah whew so you're like a beta male yeah yeah if you're like if you eat soy yeah I definitely die at coronavirus exactly yeah um oh man someone that's how scared you are you came in someone [ __ ] on my Instagram picture called me a simp oh yeah yeah oh you know what that's something we should talk about before we get a corona virus so there's this new wave of and this is this is me sound of old as hell but I don't give a [ __ ] so everyone born after 93 just discovered the word sim mmm has it been around for a while bruh yeah is it an acronym ah-huh like you sent like you simple like you like you will use symptom for a turn I'll say that [ __ ] when I was [ __ ] 15 I need me a foot it's like the new [ __ ] that's what it is now wow this is like like you a [ __ ] or like I like you know what I'm saying oh yeah yeah yeah that's like [ __ ] you're saying now it's like it's you know it's like Trump dudes using it as like a replacement for [ __ ] yeah so like all the all the all the Instagram meme kids learn with simp is mmm so now they just comment simple on everything they think having a girlfriend is simp that's not simply yeah you you're dumb yeah everyone and you know what a beautiful sunset picture you know not asks him no it's not posting a beautiful sunset picture where I'm tenderly loving yet my wonderful sweet girlfriend and I listen that's not sin that's simple just not simple nothing about that yeah I assume there's nothing simple I'm ruling that right there I'm wearing her jacket because I'm cold court of sin nothing jack knows about that nothing above that that right mr. McConaughey you know a lot of you like to use the word simp huh let me simply tell you love is simply the best thing on earth so if I'm a simp for love then that's okay then you can call me simple Jack you can call me simpie Jack Jack did you see there's a clip of him I didn't listen with volume but someone tweeted it it's a clip of him and and Tyson Fury after the fight okay interacting oh and even without volume it's [ __ ] awkward yeah we should watch that next we get the computer back yeah yeah no I'm with that and I think we should also watch before we get back to the coronavirus stuff mmm this is something else I wanted to talk about mmm so what do you want to do the zoo coronavirus first verse like coronavirus so yeah it just feels like all these tweets that I'm reading it's like it's that feels different from like the swine flu or not ours yeah he that [ __ ] it feels like just feel like that [ __ ] was contained early yeah this really feels like something totally different you know I know like just from hysteria from media just like the the vibe you know yeah you know every day there's the vibe check is like not past from passing yeah coronaviruses failing of objects seriously severely facing failing it did like I didn't like I thought I was bad in school and like this vibe is like super off yeah yeah yeah now I am thing that such as me out is we uh there's a sketch me on us yeah cesses me out is like kissing another dude nah I'm gonna sketch me out of you land here and look on Twitter and they said Australia will now act as though kovat 19 is a pandemic but that's a good thing though for us it is but it also feels like some [ __ ] government [ __ ] where it's like they know it's a pandemic and they go no we're just gonna tell them we're acting like it is yeah but it [ __ ] you don't know me yeah yeah there is some Chernobyl [ __ ] but it's also like we got off the plane we'd read that and that's all I'm walking towards customs being like I wonder what if anything's gonna be different like other dudes and hazmat suits they're like spraying people down and [ __ ] like that cuz it's like it's a if it's a pandemic like a you know that's what it was in China you see these [ __ ] videos that people walking on the street just sanitizing buildings with these giant hoses of [ __ ] now you know what happened dude we got here and they says gonna act like a pandemic and so everyone has to go to the screening room with Hobbes and Shaw you stand there and the rock gets your [ __ ] results and he looks at he looks his day than when he goes she has the virus we have to go to a fortified building to get her taken care of or she in and shoots him right there and that's how they're treating the corona virus going forward gotcha yeah okay yeah that's cool you just go through the Hobbes and Shaw tank yeah that room yeah yeah they do and they do that they do that scene for every single person so customs tails [ __ ] forever yeah it takes forever there's been they [ __ ] like Hobbes is mom is sometimes there with a flip-flop and you have knobs because out of line yeah so the mom has to be there to be late Family Values yeah remember where you came from yeah I love that part of the movie Family Values that's so that's the part of the resonated with me like oh yeah you're whoopin your ass yeah that's it family he's like a foot 400-pound dudes with covered in tattoos and man-bun Laurel are all standing around this like sure that mom sitting in a chair with a flip-flop and they're only I'm sorry mom yeah yeah she'll beat that ass yeah family gotta respect you just making him smarter yeah that's why he could build the [ __ ] piece for the [ __ ] yeah cuz she beat him into sivan brain damage call back I'm at a [ __ ] I'm in here you're on it I'm like [ __ ] I'm like I'm like a beautiful mind comedy I just I don't beat you up before this episode yeah now like I'm it is you're seeing [ __ ] prisms or ever the [ __ ] of just how to reroute your jokes back to the old one and you're just sitting there writing yeah you're sitting in a mall bench yeah writing [ __ ] yeah writing [ __ ] like extremely interconnected joke yeah that's not a camel that's my wife but wait a minute why is my wife camel and the camel comes from I'm saying no it's like some weird like Fibonacci sequence that's what it is that's what I see when I look at a page of jokes I see a Fibonacci sequence okay and every 13th word I can cut back yeah to the overarching yeah thing and she's just never-ending yeah an infinite loop yeah I can keep tying all the jokes together yeah that's what it is and then picturing you enough [ __ ] and then Jerry Seinfeld walked by with his 16 year old girlfriend and he was like are you working on a pop-tart joke and I looked at him I said I don't know am i you tell me I don't know a pop-tart sorry I didn't pass joke school and then I went to joke that's a classic pop-tart joke I've read I've written some very similar to that to get your ass beat and write jokes I don't know what they are what I'm writing I didn't pass third grade opposite of the Joker you're writing sure that's actually funny and you know Jerry Seinfeld walking by Wow that's actually a really good joke Wow what's the deal with Pop Tarts so yeah coronavirus yeah now so we go in there and customs was no different nothing no [ __ ] screens have you been to China and to win who wants no I haven't no okay go on how easy would it be to be like no yeah just like spit on your visa just rub it out with your thumb look at the [ __ ] Passport you don't look at any of the stamps nothing just [ __ ] there just trusting you yeah no of course I didn't go not in [ __ ] not in Amsterdam they went through everyone's [ __ ] Passport did they really oh yeah they were like page by page it was like the most Dutch [ __ ] ever Lee ladies liked what you're looking at the stamps or just trying to find an empty spot to stamp no no looking at our visas huh have you been to China in the last 14 days you got a little yellow stick I see you went to Cambodia in 2004 so what's [ __ ] is Chris said some dude was like I was there but for like New Year's and the lady was like I guess that was four weeks ago you like make a call they're like I guess we legally we have to let you on Chris that everyone in line when I saw his bag he's got a bomb he's definitely got a bomb in it I saw him pack a bomb in there ya know took it out he dusted it off for sure so I saw the bomb yeah you know had a bomb joke earlier but I don't remember joke before the plane anyway so the Australia article read that one as soon as we got off the plane and then like there's another one that says like the first confirmed case of someone who wasn't we link to China or anyone that came from China hmm just happened or just was confirmed in the States in in Berkeley or UC Davis or something like that yeah so basically she had symptoms seven days ago and went in to get tested and they the CDC denied a test because they were basically she doesn't like qualify for it because she doesn't have any links to China and these are just flu symptoms so they denied it and so turns out seven days later she tested positive for it and she's just been around UC Davis now for seven days she's interacting with people for a full [ __ ] week so this has to be like the start of something huge in the States at least yeah yeah that's um that's really [ __ ] not cool it's really not cool and someone else I read a tweet like a reply that was like someone living in that same area it's not the Bay Area it's like North yeah and they were like I just went to the grocery store and like everything sold out people are like buying food for emergency supply and just hoarding it and like what the [ __ ] dude it's weird man I don't know I don't know how like sensationalize all this stuff is but like it feels like something yeah the funniest [ __ ] was when we went to the UK and I want and I wore that facemask and I just took a picture of it just to be whatever on Instagram and some do goes bro don't wear a face mask there'll be a sheep dude don't believe the media you [ __ ] simp yeah you [ __ ] simp ass [ __ ] stupid ass dude I'm like [ __ ] you go to the virus yeah yeah I'm getting on a plane I'm going to a place where I don't know I mean it's not really it wasn't in the UK but it could be anywhere you don't know it's just scary cuz I forgot did we land in Heathrow we didn't landing here oh he throws a [ __ ] huge Airport yeah did so many people go through a throw yeah that's what freaked me the [ __ ] out I'm just like like I said if you I mainly did him does remind myself don't touch your [ __ ] highs don't touch her don't just don't cuz you have a habit of going to the bathroom then licking my hand after work yeah yeah I can't stop yeah like I want to grab and flush the toilet with my hand and then just lick my palm yeah yeah and flush it yeah a lot of time along rub the handle yeah I get as many germs yeah I wipe the seat with my hand yeah to clean it nah cuz I'm a sicko but then I'll look at afterwards after this for the next person is courtesy to just wipe that off there's a germaphobe listen right now just go no it's it's funny cuz like when we get on the plane normally Kelsie will take out you know like antibacterial yeah sheets and like clean the seats and I'm always like what the [ __ ] he doing I saw you guys doing that [ __ ] they to the I does but now I'm like yeah those things [ __ ] so normally I don't know the only time I only did it today because someone spilled a drink on my seat aleem is the one that does it we got on the first plane it's like she looked at me she's like wipe your seat down like my wife in this [ __ ] just sitting there just again licking the outlets licking the hand yeah yeah arm rest yeah just getting a feel for things yeah and that's really how I you know you know I'm able to feel comfortable it's like scent and taste yeah I actually go to the headrest where people lay their heads and I try to touch just a little part of my eye on it oh do you yeah just again look oh it's like a little why's that just to make sure like the moisture is appropriate for my head okay yeah it's too dry you know and you'll know because you're ugly I always stick to it your eyes a good judge of moisture yeah it is I mean yeah yeah make sense cuz if my eyes sticks to it then it's not it's too dry yeah but if my eye just kind of does it clean on the seat there's a nice little kids yeah oh yeah sometimes I'll take you know the the headphones that they give you and I really just burry my in there just to get like a little bit just at least a little bit of earwax you're the last person yeah there's a judge whether or not they I actually asked for the last person's blanket and pillow actually the last is what yeah yeah because I really want to feel good smell them yeah yeah yeah certainly feel like I'm part of their pack yeah wait speaking of savants dude imagine a savant who specializes in knowing exactly what it would take for a plane to crash at any given moment and he can control when he provides this information mm-hmm him flying is are you saying yes sitting on a commercial airline okay sir would you like a beverage of some kind you know if you actually were to just Bram that cart into that chair right there that would see this is a 747 and right above that chair right there is a crucial part of computational hardware that controls the ability of the plane to fly if you ran that cart right there you could send this plane into the for he was like I would like a beverage and in fact if every single person on this plane opened time the pressure change would be enough to take this thing down and Oh once it goes down once it starts at least it goes down cuz we're about 1 hour and 37 minutes into the flight which puts us roughly two degrees north of latitude 45 and this is a very popular zone ships actually wreck here often yeah technically we're in the middle yeah but there is there's a rock here it's actually an old remnant of an old Maori Island it's called Lake wah-wah-wah Rock and the plane could land perfectly into that rock if we all open the soda can right now so just make sure you don't do that do that don't serve everyone soda at the same time it's like I wasn't gonna do that sir you want to clap everyone water yeah sir do you want some [ __ ] soda or not top story time story about the plane going down it's so funny to me it shouldn't be funny but it is Oh what was that again like so you don't know our stage manager Tom he was on his flight to New Zealand he said he's sleeping and he wakes up he's like he's like the sound and the sensation of the plane only felt like this thing was gonna [ __ ] crash he's like the sound is just like he's like something he's never heard before and like the way he's positioned in his chair and like the feeling in his stomach he's like it's a he looks around and other people are in their chairs Bentley and it's like the middle of the night so he's like yeah yeah yeah and the lady behind him just leans forward and looks at him and goes yo it feels like we're going down holy [ __ ] dude holy you have to really think that's happening for you to ask that question just to someone you don't know cuz that freaks them out you know I'm saying yeah yeah wait hold on all right let's Cody moment I got two [ __ ] fat Wiz right now really yeah a Cody moment okay yeah just the just the energy the people yeah do that no but really you have to you have to you have to be fully convinced that this plane is going to go down for you to ask a random person that you don't know hey are we going are we going down because how the [ __ ] is Tom even supposed to know that that's wild that's absolutely wild it really is yeah now I'm just here just here alone just [ __ ] hanging out you know I got this Rosa right here it's not good it's not good at all drinking Rosie out of a can never a good idea I don't know who decided this you know would sell I'm sure they're trying to market to I'm not I'm really just not sure honestly he's playing music in there just in case we hear his piss stream lord knows we hear water hitting water actually and thank god there's not you know 40 people in there because if if 40 people peed into a plain toilet at the same time it would go down but that's just science you know that's just science so we're here in in Brisbane Australia and we just landed in tomorrow we're gonna hold some koala bears tomorrow we're going to go at 10 a.m. and mingle with some koala bears so I'm pumped for that honestly I think should be cool I hope chilli doesn't get jealous that I'm holding another cute animal but I think you'll be fine with it he's you know he's right now he's at a he said Kelsey's boss's place being taken care of so that's good this sucks why did I ever do insanely chill doing this [ __ ] alone just sucks this is not fun I'm just I feel like I'm going crazy right now or maybe I'm just not used to it anymore it's probably what it is it feels good to be back in Australia honestly no I've been talking about nothing but I've been chatting I don't know how how I ever did this by myself for hours and hours and hours yeah no I mean you held on though you do a good job congratulations um anyway while I was sitting on the toilet I was thinking you know if I flush this a certain amount of times I could trigger a certain amount of pressure in the pipes did you hear me saying that no though drew sounds like he's going to the bathroom right now and if 40 people went to the bathroom the same wine just the sheer pressure from all the liquid would take that baby down no problem yeah bro um real quick someone started to terrorism account they got the handle [ __ ] terrorism won t really sick I'm falling and so what are they actually tweeting about real generous events yeah you see that shooting today oh man what the [ __ ] that is scary [ __ ] bro well I didn't really see the details I didn't either a boy right a former employee that's all I know that's all I know God God goddamn [ __ ] up you know the most [ __ ] up thing is I like when that when I read that out my first saw was a oh it's been a it's been a while actually yeah and that [ __ ] up yeah yeah like it felt like I should have seen this like I felt like it was the first time in a while I was seeing and I was surprised at that yet always if you you always see that argument that it's just the media putting a magnifying glass on it and it happens all the time tonight like does it really though do people say that so be war you that that mass shootings are they have been going on and and it's just the media now started covering them and you know whatever I don't whatever I'm just saying yes I agree it's weird to have that feeling and feel like oh [ __ ] it's it's been a while since that has happened hmm but I think it's too much man yeah I mean anything is too much but it's still though this is doesn't feel like a lot of other places have this problem but yeah they have other issues but you know this that's another conversation but yeah that's you know what pandemic he sounds like an EDM band to me it does right yeah pandemic yeah the be good one [ __ ] that that'd be a hard [ __ ] stage look you come on you come on stage you're pandemic and you have [ __ ] you know the 28 days later masks you know all why's your now all white hazmat suit no heavy hard as [ __ ] and all your uh yeah all your insignia is like you know just the toxicity symbol and [ __ ] and it's like oh and when you hit the drop the spray yeah it's like antibacterial yeah spray yeah no Hulk crowd gets sanitized and we'll people know what actually you don't knows it's actually water harvested from Chernobyl that's what it gives everyone medians yeah okay yeah things like cancer yeah that's like that's part of the show is becoming a mutant yeah that's crazy that's hard that's metal welcome to burn is like pandemic is it like industrial is that the style like a music yeah I could see that being like artists real hardest yeah what industrial is crazy a whole genre is [ __ ] yeah you know I was like so we were at that winery with that guy was opening for tool right now we met the guy who's opening for tool right now on tour today I mean we were hanging out with M Stewart Stewart shout out to him and Thomas Ryan feels so gross he'll he's the guitarist for As I Lay Dying in citizen yeah shout out to both of them great dudes yeah but I was talking to the to Paul no sorry Stewart's do it and super interesting guy yeah he this is a mechanical engineer by trade works for a university I'm not gonna Doc's him but basically his his boss he's like a giant tool fan and so when he found out tool was the one that asked him to come on tour he was okay he can go on tour for five months yeah just let him do it while and Stuart designs and engineers and builds all of his own instruments so he essentially just builds all of these crazy synthesizers that he can play at the same time yeah and he does he basically performs metal music electronic metal music this way wild yeah and like the pictures of he has a came on stage like playing all this [ __ ] it's like a mouthpiece and like two hand pieces and yeah crazy [ __ ] like that anyway so he's telling me this and we're talking about tool and how like popular tool is and then I I was listening to Bobby Lee's podcast today and he had a comedian on rorey I think his name is Rory something Rory Scovel yeah maybe yeah just let me just make sure I don't [ __ ] this up yeah Roy Scoville he and his friends um they were gonna go on tour together and they were like what should we do yes we like named the tour like where should we go yeah and they're all huge tool fans and so they did they decided to do a tour where they just go to all the same places tool goes to yeah and use their money to just buy tickets for all the shows yeah yeah which is [ __ ] wild wild and then the guitarist for tool saw one of the guys on Conan talked about the tour and he gave them backstage passes to every show yeah yeah so [ __ ] cool wild so I listed a tool today and it's just you know what what um the opener for uh tool you guys name wrong again oh okay it's okay no I think it's better if we just leave it okay yeah and none we should buy also apologize for calling uh Simon Nelson yes it's Simon right i DM them about that you did let me read our exchange this is actually very funny yeah he had to was [ __ ] crazy their music wild men millimeter our boy Simon called him Nelson yeah and he changed his name on Twitter twedge Minh Nelson and so on DM he was like this is your fault I went oh [ __ ] he [ __ ] it we have [ __ ] it might we [ __ ] it bro proper [ __ ] it so sorry I'm sorry bro but I use his cool about it I said so sorry we [ __ ] your name on the podcast he said it's calm thanks for having us a combo yeah interesting very British extremely British British South Auckland by the way that was a show yeah I did sorry that that so here's the yeah no I think the show was solid I think it just got too hot in there it was weird man it was a weird show it's only that yeah it wasn't nothing felt right now I wasn't a perfect show that's for sure yeah we feel at a good time I I hope they did I really hope that I mean so like when half the [ __ ] people we talked to flew from Wellington yeah see that show I hope to god they had fun yeah cuz ya know saying really like it's they should have like we we would just it doesn't [ __ ] work out you know I don't know it was a newer venue was [ __ ] weird man the whole vibe was strange is so hot sound was too clears we were quiet in there dude we were first though we were dying on stage from heat immediately I couldn't you know it I was like immediately I was like god damn could not [ __ ] think and then state Tom said the stage back there back there is usually [ __ ] freezing and he was like dude I was dying because I couldn't even imagine being under lights with all the [ __ ] production elements and [ __ ] so tom was talking to somebody at the venue shoutout to the promoter by the way thanks for bringing us on but he was saying that like for the casino that the the theater is kind of a kind of a thorn for them cuz the theater doesn't really make the casino money so like they kind of just don't give a [ __ ] about it which sucks so Tom like you know he divided that he was getting was like the whoever is like the power that be was like basically saying like not give a [ __ ] like keep the a/c off really something is like Tom was like getting that vibe like no one said that explicitly but tom was just feeling like that's the vibe he was getting like like Matt was like getting in their [ __ ] ass about can we get the [ __ ] a/c on like why is it so hot in here it's so hot this is [ __ ] and people were just like yeah I know we'll we'll try it we'll try to turn it up we'll try to turn it up we'll try to turn it up yeah which was [ __ ] man it's like you got like 1200 people paying for tickets to come see is showing you're gonna make them [ __ ] sweat it out yeah what if we had a more intense show what if we what if you were like doing yeah the one yoga yeah yeah like two men industrial metal Oh like robotics show with [ __ ] runs of stage production [ __ ] what if we were doing like hella backflips and stuff like that which we're working into the show yeah we're doing a lot of physicality on the show yeah I'm looking up our boys a stage author and Punisher yes what does stage name is yeah author and Punisher look them up if you like um it's like or it's a thrash metal I don't even know if that's right I just feel like that's the genre that it is but um this mad respect dude that guy's smartest [ __ ] oh yeah you could tell that shit's wild what he does yeah so cool and so he'll produce full albums with that [ __ ] he makes all his own instruments yeah pretty pretty cool this is intense dude this mouthpiece and this is unique than a [ __ ] bro this also should we like shout out Oakland for being so [ __ ] dope oh yeah New Zealand rules yeah which I already knew but I had never been to Auckland before yeah an Auckland is a fantastic city it really is we came two days early yeah spent a bunch of like quality time did a whole bunch of touristy [ __ ] and it's just amazing it really is no we I mean that's like hands-down one of our best horror experiences I would say you know I'm just I'm tripping on all this [ __ ] he's using for his show this is [ __ ] insane yeah this is [ __ ] insane dude it's like the savant metal version of like a one-man band yeah the harmonica right here and like the drum bass drum right here now it's the actual smart version of it yeah so insane dude what a specific skill set yeah what a specific spells a specific bacilli yeah what a specific Patil set yeah what am I Tilda Patil set yeah no really though [ __ ] musically inclined mechanical engineer both his own instruments so cool what the [ __ ] I was like yeah yeah we were software engineers yeah so dude I totally vibe with you we build our own website over these songs comedy songs we've owned our comedy things build our own we make we do music - yeah you've heard our song you might have heard of us keep your dick fat yeah that's us dude yeah oh [ __ ] we hit eject on that last song last night so fast dude oh yeah that was what ever has a song ever gone so [ __ ] awkward yeah yeah sorry Oakland that that song felt so [ __ ] it never does it it always works it always this is great part of the show always having fun opening we got onstage Magos dude that made me feel weird tonight yeah [ __ ] you man yeah I felt that [ __ ] no but I give us Pross we've we powered through we did yeah we so like made it seem like we were having fun lise I think yeah I was just trying to have fun I'm like uh it's weird we'll make it not weird everything ends in the jokes and stuff felt like they was alright good for a laugh and dude yeah I think it just got hot and people were like just too hot to [ __ ] function yeah the funniest [ __ ] to me though was these kids saying that they'd be legitimately were calling us scammers oh yeah yeah it's on this they called us scammers because they watched someone watched the show the couple wants the show and they said that they were like yo this shows a [ __ ] scam it's all staged why did the [ __ ] did you think it was gonna be all stay in a community scammers staged bro so it's fake movies bro scam bruh all staged what the [ __ ] they think we're gonna do up there you don't think you come how many store tonight [ __ ] scam right yeah nice yeah cool scam dude highway robbery that's what that is yeah Oh a comedy show Nick more like a scam a t show there what if they're scamming me with their [ __ ] stage - [ __ ] also one of them was like quoting a part of the show the kid didn't even have his [ __ ] ears on he like he likes he was like dude when they said this about Oakland I knew was fake I'm like first of all we never said that we never said that also what you think we're gonna say that every single show yeah yeah that actually was yeah something that we came up with like right before the show probably oh yeah yeah no yeah so they yeah they quoted that and then they challenged us saying that we love that yeah that us saying we loved Auckland was fake and it was like no we rose we flame every city to the [ __ ] floor Tulsa Oklahoma that's one of my favorite roasts ever when I was like y'all living a [ __ ] minecraft server that was my favorite joke that I've ever come up with for a cydia you know we [ __ ] torch everywhere we go and Auckland was the first one we struggled with take that I don't know I have no clue but it just it made me laugh - call us scammers they did you know the follow rap is like a huge thing right now yeah we're scam common scam comedy but yeah damn yeah that's a lot of paving the way on that [ __ ] yeah brother the funniest part was then the follow-up statement to that was these fools called Jake Paul a scammer not TMZ some scammers what where was this on reddit no it was like it was like some group chat that I was like roped into on Instagram and I just saw like the preview message it was like TMZ some scammers I was like wait what because I was thinking like maybe they got scammed out of tickets which by the way guys there is someone who is [ __ ] completely like targeting people who want to come to our shows really I do something about it it's pissing me the [ __ ] off it's like the same people that keep scamming every [ __ ] show guys please do not buy tickets that are not on Ticketmaster or like seat no but there are a lot of people on Twitter and [ __ ] that like need to sell tickets no there are but it's like please try to use a [ __ ] third party like seat geek or like some escrow service like okay don't [ __ ] just PayPal these random ass people don't venmo these random [ __ ] people do that [ __ ] in person yeah whatever the [ __ ] just don't get like ah it's [ __ ] it's it's annoying so annoying dude imagine thinking all comedy is is a scale oh yeah yeah yeah imagine thinking that yeah yeah hey you must live in just absolute bliss yeah yeah oh for sure yeah and the coronavirus is like if impending threat oh man we gotta go we're skirt you gotta go do more work yeah um we're in the future right yeah we're in the future yeah is it Wednesday back home it's uh no it's yeah Wednesday let me see see what then one right when I am it's two I am at home yeah sick so yeah the genius thing comes out tomorrow actually oh [ __ ] so we'll see how that turns out oh we don't get to see it before goes live look um part of the agreement I guess so we'll see hopefully it's funny yeah I'm like I'm genuinely a little bit scared I don't know how they could make it you know whatever like I just it was like there's enough like jokes in there like I hope we can talk about on the bonus of it after it comes out so we can see it and judge it but we can talk about her we didn't talk about our actual experience did we know like walking in there and sitting down and it's like okay we can talk about that yeah bonus episode maybe yeah this guy owes it was alright alright so we'll see you on the next one team G pod comm former from ninety meet or calm come see us us tickets still obey and I'm sorry for that part where it was just me now I'll apologize I had a code I had it a people little mini ronk and that's why he goes to PB zone all right Joe gang vice Liddy

Channel: Tiny Meat Gang

Views: 280,709

Rating: 4.9460101 out of 5

Keywords:

Id: hkBRaOwkZIo

Length: 70min 2sec (4202 seconds)

Published: Thu Mar 05 2020