Ep. 98 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

they're back the two bears hats that sold out in three minutes last time are back go ahead to store.ymhstudios.com and get the limited edition new era minor league baseball two bears hats get it now my answer is 33 33 how old are you i'm 43 d what 43 lead [Music] not 50. that's the answer 100 this episode of two bears one cave is brought to you by satra go to saatva s-a-a-t-v-a dot com slash the [ __ ] and get 200 off any mattress of your choice i've had them all and i can tell you that i fully endorse this company and their products it is an amazing mattress and the reason they give you an amazing price is they are online only they don't have a storefront they don't have commissions to pay people and utilities to pay their at all these different stores so they pass on those savings to you the consumer with an amazing product they have a luxury firm mattress if you like that they have a memory foam mattress called lumen leaf they have the solaire that moves and vibrates it's all incredible it's a great company environmentally friendly products incredible customer support they have mattress take away service so they get rid of your terrible mattress when they install your amazing new saatva mattress go to saatva saatva.com slash the [ __ ] and get 200 off any mattress of your choice yeah i mean i feel like you know i think i should start it because people are gonna go what the [ __ ] is this show yeah yeah like hey guys finally two bears one cave the way you've asked for it just bert no tom [Laughter] um you know what's crazy is that um i wish we were doing this right after your show coming up because you you got to be excited to be doing the [ __ ] amphitheater red rocks baby i hope it went well i hope i hope the mushrooms turned out okay are you doing mushrooms before the show no no i i'm doing them for uh jimmy boppit the next night so i i i have a lot of mushrooms in the top how many mushrooms do i you have close to a year's supply for someone that does shrooms a lot uh uh what are you gonna eat uh i'm gonna start off with one cap and one stem and hope that it works well good yeah no nadab's like nadav said you need to take a [ __ ] epic amount and really hit it hard for like four hours you're trying to do it right aren't you and then you're gonna go with are you gonna go with the boys to see buffett no uh leanne mark norman me dave williamson uh both mark and dave's chicks uh my friend sandy and tom and uh a bunch a bunch of us i think my business manager we're all going to see buffalo they're all going to see above it yeah you know what's crazy is jimmy buffett asked if he could interview me before the show so i'm going to be on his pod he has a podcast so i'm going to be on his podcast let me tell you something that [ __ ] does not know what he's getting he is getting a fulbert chrysler dose i am giving him a epic dose as nadav would say of bert chrysler i will do not gonna be like good to meet you i'm gonna be like [ __ ] he's going to go so and i'm like i'll take it from here shirt off when i was 22 years old i got involved with the russian mafia i ever tell you the crazy morgan story jimmy you're about to [ __ ] lose your mind they're gonna be like hey hey hey hey we gotta do a show too we're good thank you he's he's literally i bet he's just his mouth is going to be open going like back and forth like what the [ __ ] dude is the podcaster like no he's like i was going to ask you five questions uh what's your favorite what what meal would you like if you die the uh i cannot wait i'm such a fan of jimmy buffett's i was you see by the way you seem like a big jimmy buffett fan i am a gym big i remember when i was a kid being like like going to jimmy buffett concerts and just thinking like this guy's got the [ __ ] life like oh yeah he goes up has a few cold beers smokes a joint plays some [ __ ] hits right i was in the bahamas one time and they told me it was like a small place like a small little you know five table shack kind of place yeah and the guy goes yeah jimmy buffett was here and he got so enraged that um somebody was saying a prayer before they ate that he stood up and was like i'm not gonna i'm not gonna eat any place where you say a prayer to a false god and stormed out and i was like are you [ __ ] serious yeah bring that up on the podcast oh god no i was i think he's a big time atheist which i'm fine with i just think it's funny to yell at the locals about it yeah i knew i i mean i think if if you could have one career of one artist yeah you'd probably be like lou reed but like who who would you who would whose life would you like to emulate like if you could just go all right you're gonna get the same type of career longevity-wise and you can live like him dude i go jimmy buffett in a [ __ ] heartbeat you got martial you are him that that you're you're the comedian equivalent of jimmy buffett for real so yeah yeah of course you are jimmy buffett's like let's just have a [ __ ] drink and hang out oh yeah i guess i'll take it easy and wear flip-flops everywhere you are [ __ ] we're coming out with a new line on free water they're really awesome tom can you see them yeah they're really [ __ ] comfortable i know yeah you're jimmy buffett dude i'm in a bathing suit right now i slept in it you slept in your bathing suits i slept in my bird dogs i've been doing these reads about bird dogs the bird dog sponsored this podcast nadav no but they're the ones that got a free one they're so goddamn comfortable i sleep in them i swim in them i don't i just don't take them off yeah that's cool man yeah okay who would you want to be like you probably i'm trying to think drake oh that's a good that's a good that's a good life he's living a great life were you kidding me i listened to his [ __ ] noob didn't like it champagne poppy big mama whatever certified lover boy they knew i love a boy you can't even say love her right every song starts what did you like more certified loverboy or donda donda are you going to say donda because i like kanye better i like kanye you like him because he's unpredictable like i always i've always liked kanye and i think like i feel like all kanye's life comes out in his heart well i would take kanye's life because it's been like a super chill like easy kind of going life yeah like there's nothing to it no um i i think that's both those guys it's too much i don't need that much dude i don't need that much attention or scrutiny or you know i mean their lives are too crazy dial it back a little bit for me maybe like more artistic uh nas there you go i would take his career well you know you know what i found out i'm not like his because big boy released a song with killer mic and sleepy brown the same day that kanye came out in the same day that uh like all the within the same week that certified lover boy and and all that came out yeah i like i like i like that style of rap i like i think it's called trap music is that what it's called trap house i like rap music i like [ __ ] rhymes like i i actually like i listen to certified lover boy on the way over here and it's it's pretty good but it's not my style of it's not my favorite style of rap you know it's super distinct it is distinct it is yeah and i actually didn't in love uh donda as much as i'm saying like because i was like i i didn't get into it the way i listened the second i put in big boy's new album new song it was just one song i listened to it on repeat it's just it i just connect with that style of music better i think i think that's totally fair to say man i mean they are they are totally distinct sounds and yeah you're getting into you i feel like you're getting into hip you know more about hip hop than i do like because i you should turn me on to the um to not finesse who's the guy the dj you like dj premiere yeah dj premier has that that web series where he breaks down oh yeah yeah it's called uh so what's up yeah that's so cool right where he's break you know because i pitched to him i was like i want to do a documentary on you where you break down um like some of you because his catalog is so insane of like really huge oh my god it's crazy it's like a lot of producers have you know a handful of hits but he's like one of those guys where it's you could just like scroll it's like 50 100 that's on top of all the gangstar stuff and i was like there's a for sure documentary in you and then this is like a little web version sort of of what i envisioned where he's telling you the story behind you know making this record and that record and working with different artists it's the [ __ ] i i totally am fascinated by it so i could watch him do that over and over man by the way i have to apologize because i just realized i [ __ ] on two albums that are the biggest albums of the year and there are p legit music fans going you have no [ __ ] idea what you're talking about well yeah but you're bert yeah but no but that's but like but people do that with comedy all the time and then yeah yeah that guy [ __ ] sucks and you're like hold on yeah he doesn't [ __ ] suck john mullaney well yeah yeah i end up having to defend he got trashed yeah no it's so funny too i saw how many people like getting like have opinions about i mean i'm just not even getting into super details about john but using him as an example where they they're invested in uh someone's life that they don't know at all dude like they're all people tweeting about john they're like i can't believe it's like what are you talking about i got a text you don't know him i got a text so there's so so mullany was in the the group and by the way i don't i don't i don't that feels weird talking about john mullaney at all because he's going he's got to go through so much [ __ ] but john mulaney was in the group of they called uh wife wife guys wife guy comics was that it i don't know what that is it's it's like a good wife guy meaning like you're a good guy like that we we follow your career but we love the fact that you love your wife and then when he got a divorce everyone was like what the [ __ ] and then and then they're like what's up with these wife guys comics am i saying that right see if that's a phrase because there's one wife guy comic that apparently uh is going around the rumor mill was went to a sorority house and was like getting girl's numbers and is a wife guy comic i don't know who it is i wish i did but you don't know who it is i don't know who it is but people started texting me someone had was leaking it on like tick tock and friends were texting me bird is this you you need to if this is you need to like clean this up and i was like no it's not me by the way i would totally own that [ __ ] and throw it all over instagram if i was at a [ __ ] sorority house i'd be like yeah come on [ __ ] like [ __ ] not gonna [ __ ] hide from jesus christ we should salute whoever that is you imagine [ __ ] a sorority girl how exhausting that would be what dealing with all the tears just talking to her yeah [ __ ] like a a 19 year old girl there there's nothing i want to say to her at all like there's not one there's not one so so like here's the thing it's like uh there's something you could do about that you know i don't like your opinions um yeah i i couldn't what's the what's the youngest you could have sex with okay this is what i'm talking about um i don't know man i don't feel like well you could just have just have sex with they're like what if tom goes 14 stuck stop what if i mean you're talking about sex or actually hang out and have sex or you just mean like just shove it in no you got it you got to date them you got to date them like this is your oh yeah this is your new piece it's got it it's not going to be older than you got it you got to be like you got to introduce her to rogan and be like and his wife and his kids and you gotta have a smile on your face and go no so do you guys co-sign on this well i gotta take him i have to bring him her over to him you gotta bring her no you gotta you gotta hang out with her like you gotta bring her places and people gotta go like holy [ __ ] tom so where did you guys meet preschool i think i no i think no young i think 10 years younger man that's the that's the youngest i could go 32. yeah i can't go i can't go with my huh it's got to be 30s yeah of course man and even that might be it's probably it's probably better to be like 36 you know we don't want that old jesus christ it's like the hell would you go getting used shoes you don't want them like totally [ __ ] used want to look kind of new how old would you go how young would you get a used car it's like buying a used car dumb you don't want it to look like a used car what does it look like it's new but it's still got miles on it 40 you do it 41 oh no 33. my answer is 33 33 how old are you i'm 43 d what 43 lead [Music] i'm not 50. that's the answer i'm not 50. yeah are you still going so you're going 15 years younger oh god don't say it like that that sounds horrible okay 33 yeah [Laughter] yeah okay yeah you would see but that's a total jimmy buffett move i could see him doing that so that's good that's a gym i guarantee you oh check see how old jimmy buffett's what current wife is and how many times he's been married oh wow it ain't once it definitely is not once no i guarantee you jimmy buffett's gotta have three under his belt because you get the first one right first one's the franchise player right that's who you build the franchise on so then savannah jane uh buffett is 42 years old she's 42. how is he his wife's younger than me hold on he's 74. you think so i'm guessing yeah nailed it 74. yeah i'm a big dog okay how many times you've been married how many times you've been married well this is the def this definitely wasn't his first this lesson is first all right i'm glad i've already met my life i've already met jimmy buffett when all this has happened it's not a listing they divorced in 1971 buffett married it's i'm i found it right away how do you not see this yeah how do you not see it there it is found it yeah yeah married margie uh washi check in 1969 and they divorced in 71. okay there's the first one then what another one um i mean are we up to usually in that little thing on the right there second wife yeah yeah i actually scroll up and it'll tell you very quickly uh so does it say married houses no no so is jane this one the 42 year old looks like it yeah all right that's a nice age gap bert 30 years younger jesus if i make it to 74 then i what do you care if someone's like 30 years yeah you know what you could do that should be 18. it's totally legal you could have a 18 year old god that's is that 30 years yeah yeah oh my god that's like me dating an 18 year old right now that's george's george's friends yeah you you can find it when you're like so [ __ ] creepy when you think about me hanging out i couldn't even hang out and it's creepy if georgia walks in in the morning she's like hey dad hey kaylee ray uh robert robert schimmel dated his girl his daughter's friend yeah married her right married her [ __ ] wife yeah that's that i mean it's funny when i met robert shimley's pastor i mean but when i met robert schimel i didn't think anything of it at all now as as his age when that happened i'm like that's pretty [ __ ] [ __ ] weird yeah you think so it was really [ __ ] weird but when he told me i was like oh cool cool that's cool man oh that's really cool oh that's awesome we've got to be great right you're definitely going to be honestly tell me more uh hey how crazy was that [ __ ] i took on facetime i almost threw up it sounded like you were it sounded like you were you were squirting meatballs out of a [ __ ] glad bag like you had cut a hole in a glad bag like a gallon glad bag that was filled with meatballs and there was just enough to get two meatballs at a time and you squeeze it really hard into a bucket of water it was so aggressive that i started gagging on facetime with you yeah we were talking i was like man my stomach's been upset for a couple days check this out i brought you and then you were like [Laughter] there's the sound of it see i've had i've done that sound before but it's my i made the sound when you made the sound i was like like that would make someone throw up in the stall next to you like definitely [Music] i i told you that i made that dude throw up and i took a [ __ ] so bad guys threw up i wish i could find without what i ate because i would love to be able to [ __ ] [ __ ] like that again why oh dude it smelled so bad so [ __ ] bad you have no why do you want to do that again it's happened to me twice it happened again i mean this happened again in colorado i don't know what i ate i think in colorado it might have been a raw egg actually i know it was it's raw eggs right raw eggs is what does it to me eat a raw egg and it that should be the next challenge the raw egg challenge and then you [ __ ] in a public place and listen to people go are you are you flying early to colorado or no uh yeah yeah 11 o'clock no i'm saying the day of or day before day before day before gonna dial in get get some like go to a dispensary get all set up and then uh part have we're staying in these really nice cabins on a river and so nice yeah i got i got the cabins for everyone um got a sprinter van to take us back and forth and then uh we are um dude you know what the [ __ ] nice one is i'm doing tallahassee october 24th and we're on orlando the night before and the offensive coordinator hit me up and was like hey man do you guys want to come to a game and i was like [ __ ] yes yes so you ready for this i'm going to get i'm going to get because here's the thing you you kind of you live by this and i think i i didn't realize how cheap i am like i'm really cheap i get like certain things not to like call myself out but like just pay uh this sounds really [ __ ] horrible like paying feature acts i had a hard time getting to the point where you were like you're like because in my head i was like no i i was a feature for no for whatever the club gave you and you're like no you got to tip them more than that you got to give them more than that because didn't you want it and i was like yeah but i didn't get it and you're like no you got to do it more and then when i started doing theaters you were like you got it this is what this is like industry standard and and you've always been good about spending money to make money or spending money to make sure everyone's taken care of or splurging like taking your family to hawaii or stuff like that your dad and your and your sisters and all that like you've always been good at that and i'm not good at that i [ __ ] have a hard time doing that and i'm doing i did that for colorado and i'm doing it for florida stakes i haven't been back to florida state in 25 years dude that's going to be so [ __ ] rad so um so we're doing orlando saturday night so saturday morning we're doing orlando friday and saturday night right right so friday saturday morning i'm getting a private jet to take us to tallahassee all everyone on the tour we're going to tallahassee we're going to watch the game [ __ ] party our balls off then get back on the private jet go back to orlando do our two did i say this right yeah do our two shows saturday night and then get on the tour bus go back into orlando and do the show sunday [ __ ] amazing yeah cause i'm like what game are you going to do you know i don't know say what what game is october 23rd for florida state nadav of of 2021 or 22. what what wait you're welcome 21 21 2000 yep that's gonna be amazing man wake forest it's gonna umass is playing fsu at fsu uh the florida state seminoles yeah yep yep that's it wow well you're gonna you might see a [ __ ] scalping like an actual murder take place [Laughter] that's gonna be uh uh interesting i wish it was a different okay that that's a game to get shit-faced down for sure by the way i bet those business coordinators like we could definitely squeeze you into the stadium on this game oh yeah he's gonna be like you want field passes you want to [ __ ] you want a coach using the internet without expressvpn is like is like checking all your luggage in at the airport in a see-through bag and letting everyone see your intimates think about it your panties your hemorrhoid cream sex toys what do you travel with in dav i travel with a lot of those i'm telling you everyone can see everything you're doing online and that's why you need expressvpn when you go online without a vpn internet providers can see every single website you visit and then they sell that information information to the huge ad companies and tech giants with an with expressvpn you can browse more anonymously like i was by looking for male sex toys for real the other day i don't want anyone to know that 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better with personalized recovery strain and sleep insights from whoop have you done any weightlifting with your left arm have i yeah i started two days ago with five pounders i got cleared to do five pounds oh [ __ ] me i but it's all because of the nerve is connected by and i'm quoting the doctor here doll hairs so they've been waiting for it to grow and and heal and it can snap if you stress it you know or put so did you have anxiety about about re-injuring yourself like the nerve or the arm or the well i was a little yeah i mean obviously you get like a little bit you know and then there was the time where i was on the couch on week like let's say three or four and ellis ran and jumped and two knees into my forearm and i was like ah [ __ ] and i almost beat him um so like beat him with your things like that dude you [ __ ] and he's like what sorry tom so yeah you know stuff like that but i got i was really because he was like he was like don't pick anything up and i was like like he goes anything just don't pick anything up and i've just been cleared to go to five pounds i could pick up you know regular things but like i won't pick up my suitcase with this hand i won't do anything really substantial with this hand and then all of a sudden in three more weeks i'm full cleared so waiting for it and i can pick up whatever like whatever i can tolerate what arm challenge are we gonna do dude we should do something real easy [Laughter] i think we should do something like you [ __ ] darts with our broken arms dude i i get yeah we're both left it's both left right yeah left and left it's both left and i i it's been it's killing me not to use it like right now it would be fun to do sports [ __ ] with our left hands because we both do everything right-handed for sports right yeah yeah like accuracy stuff yeah people loved watching us with our right hands play tennis so much let's watch it with our left hand oh my god that would be such a [ __ ] show dude i uh i've been antsy about using this arm like i've been like because i feel like it's healed and i have full i have full now i've passed 90 degrees range of motion but i uh i'm but i'm like i can't i'm not allowed to use weights yet i'm still not allowed to use weights wait just wait dude that your tendons are healing don't don't do anything [ __ ] i was telling drew but the nerve block really [ __ ] me up oh yeah like i i was i really never thought stuff like uh and i had this kid chase chase freeman you know chase freeman yeah yeah i had him on my podcast and he said something that [ __ ] chilled me to the bone he said you know he couldn't move anything in his body and he went into surgery and he looked at the anesthesiologist and he was like i hope you don't know what you're doing and you kill me right now he said that he said that to him he's like that's exactly how i felt going into this surgery and then he goes and then i came out of the surgery and i could move my arm and i was like well they did something right [ __ ] and then he was like and then he had he was like i had a false sense of hope that i was like i'm gonna be 100 fine i just need to bust my ass and he was like wow and then he was like i was like that for like a month and a half and then i realized at a certain point oh i'm it's not going to be i'm not i was kidding myself i'm never going to be a hundred percent but he's doing great he went i mean like his golf swing's a little [ __ ] up but he's but he's out on the golf course having beers with his friends like that's all you [ __ ] won out of life you know yeah that's amazing man that kid's story is crazy do you have a sense of do you have a sense of the fragility of life now that you've hurt yourself and it's yeah dude it's it's affected me much more than um even than i've realized at times you know what i mean like it was um i don't know i kind of realized that i didn't really i didn't really let myself um [Music] embrace like certain emotions as much as i should have you know no like what like i like i just always kind of you know i'm a real even keeled guy like i don't get too excited but i also don't get too down yeah and i just kind of stay like you know in the middle and i've um i've let myself go to more extremes since i got injured like i let myself get more excited or sad um when i feel like it because it just it affected me that way you know like i get more emotional it's interesting i i'm driving here not to i won't give away where we are but i've i've gotten as nadab contest i've gotten lost the last five times i've driven here how i don't know i don't [ __ ] know i mean so lost that i'm like what the [ __ ] i'm having to text him and today i didn't text you i just went to your last text and you sent me the address and i clicked it i'm like god it was close but today i'm driving you've been there like 150 times well i moved how i moved so i oh i'm coming from a new direction so what's that new address again [Music] my daughters are like dad please please please no no no instagram stories in the front of the house no instagram stories too high like don't let anyone know where we live so anyway oh by the way i had closure on the thing i talked to drew about the other night i want to talk to you about that okay uh about uh propaganda back to so anyway i'm driving here and i'm yeah and they're like two blocks so you know where i'm sitting right two blocks that way right two blocks that way and one block that way there's a house and there are two people a young man and a older man both in wheelchairs in the front smoking cigarettes and i just and it was like and it's it's hot as [ __ ] here in the valley and i looked at it and i just was like god man keep me out of a [ __ ] wheelchair like keep me out of like i looked and i said a prayer for them because i was like i the last thing i want to do is be on a wheelchair with my daughter in a front [ __ ] front stoop that that injury too like it it really made me i mean you've been around me some um rethink like health so much more like all you know like i just i eat better i i work out like six days a week man and i i do it just because like i don't want it to happen like i think in a way in my head again and i just want to be healthier for longer i i i couldn't understand how you didn't eat like when i got on go big show i ate i ate like like there was a reality show watching me about how much i'd eat like i ate so much i i'll call i should call the kid that ordered for me i'm not joking tom i would order three meals at a time three meals for breakfast three meals for lunch three meals for dinner oh i see like who are these four at one that's i'm gonna call him i wonder what that kid thinks i wonder if i have his [ __ ] number still you're such a maniac dude i ordered three and i at one point i was wondering if he was like i got one of these for me like thinking of that and i was eating it anyway do you think though but isn't it crazy to you honestly that you're not fatter i'm shocked i'm not fatter i'm shocked yeah like i was eating ice cream like i was just like there was a there was a freezer of ice cream sandwiches and i just went down there and i'd eat three like i could not get control of myself and it was because you told this to me a lot that like when you sometimes your eyes just see it and you go i just can't stop i can't stop i would pizzas and and you know i mean you're like i ate [ __ ] a whole extra large pizza i'm like what you're like i just couldn't stop myself i mean i would just [ __ ] and i was like i'm gonna because i just got in this cast and i just got everything i was like i'm gonna lose weight i'm gonna do what tom did i'm gonna eat clean and then i was just wolfing i mean i'd eat a cheeseburger as like that was what i'd snack on in between meals like really i was i ballooned do you think you were stressed and that's why you were doing that more there i think i was stressed i think i was unhappy i think i was depressed i think and i was and i was having anxiety about my arm because i was like because it would hurt and then i'd be like [ __ ] did i [ __ ] it up somehow do you weigh yourself a lot or no i just did i did the day of the surgery you know when you told me that the truth weight the truth weight was uh 139 and so i was 239 39 2 30 2 3 2 39 and then that's not that bad and then i weighed myself the day i came home from go big show and i was 246. and i but ever since i got back from go big show i've been eating really good i measure myself on if i can see my dick on the toilet did i tell you that that's what you look for if i can see my dick like this like not like peering over but just see my dick then i'm that i'm in good shape when i was doing the movie i could really see my dick but there was a week when i was doing the movie where i couldn't see my thighs i was like that's the week you had 12 cheeseburgers for lunch that was yeah yeah oh yeah yeah yeah yeah there was a week where i was like [ __ ] i just don't know what's wrong with me like i don't think it's that great i mean but it is you are like lucky that you don't even balloon more i really think that way you when you go hard with the booze and the food it's like you should be [ __ ] like 295. yeah yeah i should be 295. i i but you but now that i'm home i've gotten yeah i've been eating really healthy and and eating clean i'm drinking like a [ __ ] fish but i'm polar plunging in the morning sauna in the morning working you do the polar plunger do you love it i love the [ __ ] polar plunge dude i love it it's one of those ones that like joe has where it's because i liked it with the ice i loved it with the ice i just get 300 pounds of ice and then that would last me like three days i could work three days of ice through that and then i just do it twice a day but this thing it's at 42 degrees all the time you can i think you can get it go lower i wonder what the name of it is is it called renew r-e-n-u yeah yeah i i dig that i might get one uh because let me let me get this guy hooked up with you because he gave me mine and he'll he'll pick you up type in r-e-n-r-e-n-u is it that it looks like it right yeah renew therapy yeah that's it yeah that's it that's what i got and it's really nice it just it's on all the time it has oxidation it's very expensive holy [ __ ] he gave that to me looks like it [ __ ] thank you dude it's [ __ ] awesome i love it good god that's [ __ ] awesome you know what i like about a polar plunge though what is um i actually love how alert i feel like that feeling it's the same feeling i get like so i have the same pre-show routine pretty much most times unless like schedule or travel doesn't allow it which i always try to do cardio like two hours before me too because there's that thing that happens for me it's like once you cross usually like 25 to 30 minute mark and not like you have to be like full like all out but like you're moving you're sweating where like you you just kind of wake up a little more you feel a little more alert and i love that feeling to go on stage like alert not like groggy and you know i mean dragging that's why i always try to do it like pre-show and i feel like cold stuff does that like if you jump into a cold lake you know and so you come out you're like you just feel alert i love that feeling i love the feeling i got i got in i didn't get in this morning because i was running late but i get in first thing in the morning i get just go out i make a cough i turn on the sauna go out turn on the sauna come in make a coffee go back to the backyard have a little coffee get out and then i do one minute just one minute in the cold plunge but normally if i'm doing the cold plunge i do it for like four minutes i do four minutes yeah do box breathing where i go four four breaths in hold it for four seconds four breaths four count count of four breathe out and then hold it for four seconds and then it for some reason it just calms you down and then you can stay in for like four minutes isla loves it isla keeps jumping in i love really isla loves it she's like i feel like i feel like wide awake when i get out of it i was like that's what i love about it yeah so good yeah it's dude that when joe did 20 minutes i was like what the [ __ ] i think that really [ __ ] him up really yeah i think he was [ __ ] shaking for two days it like it changed his core temperature it was i was out here in austin and he was [ __ ] wearing a sweater for like a week wearing a sweater and a [ __ ] scarf it's so crazy it's almost like somebody was like i bet you can't and he was like okay you know you that's the problem that's the problem with being joe rogan is if you do if you're just a person sometimes they're like what the [ __ ] i thought why'd you let your inner [ __ ] conquer you dude when i remember we did the sober october challenge and it was like who like i think you were like i'll win this or something like as soon as you said i was like ah [ __ ] and then like one time i was with him and we were where were we i forget where we were but it was in some venue it was years ago and there was this bar hanging like on the ceiling and someone was like like one of the [ __ ] uh staff people was like i bet you can't do more pull-ups than me and i saw his head spin he's like what i'm like oh [ __ ] and then they just started doing pull-ups what a [ __ ] i mean what a good brain to have but what a [ __ ] horrific brain to have to live with yeah like that like because that is that brain is what it got him to where he is today yeah yeah yeah it's part of it yeah it's part of it but there is also the oh [ __ ] i got this brand new polar plunge and i just did uh i couldn't last a minute and now i'm getting harassed by the internet looks like i'm gonna change my core temperature tomorrow and do 20 minutes insane [ __ ] insane he buys his pants based on whether he can do full kicks in them you know like [ __ ] like and he's like you know what these pants are because they're like elastic and i can kick in them i was like oh yeah that's how i buy pants too yeah that's exactly how i buy my pants yeah that's so crazy what are the what are the different personality types nadav pull up personality types oh this is what i want to talk to you about propaganda so last week yeah what is this because i what what you said you set it up with drew i talked to drew about it i was saying that um i was having a hard time my my social media team was like hey we need to announce that you sold out red rocks we want to make a big announcement and i was like i didn't feel like i i didn't understand why you would do that i now understand it because i did post it and you get a lot of people going hey congratulations that's awesome and you're like oh cool thank you yeah and then and then and it's it's something you should be proud of because i worked very hard i didn't think i'd be able to be able to sell 10 000 tickets and i worked hard to sell them and so so yeah so but what's interesting is my in my take was when you see like our all of us posting videos or pictures of us in front of a sold-out crowd in a big theater my thing was um i i felt bad because i knew that there's there are comics out there that see that and then that affects them how they feel about themselves because they're like really i thought so but then i realized it's one comic it's one comic that told me he had to mute me because he couldn't look at that because it was a direct reflection on how he felt about himself it was one dude this man yeah so i and so i got a lot cooler with it and i'll be posting a lot of [ __ ] pictures of me in front of audiences i'm going back to old school burt gaddafi propaganda mode like i'm gonna i'm gonna make i'm gonna the taliban is gonna look soft-spoken compared to me you're oh you're really gonna go into overdrive i'm going overdrive promotion mode i'm gonna be like i'm gonna be like guys i'm i sold out this airplane and i'll be taking pictures of myself in airplanes the uh wait let's see personality types nadav okay these are there's four personality types okay really no there's there's 16 but this is a subdivision called the analysts why do we go to the analysts well there's this is different wait can we take a personality test i'm sure you can take the test look at this tom let's me and you do this ready you're doing it together oh you're going to be shocked you're going to be shocked you're going to be shocked we can't answer together because it's going to do one at a time you know no we just we don't need to take the we don't need yeah you're right but we don't need to take the test we but i think these que answering these questions makes is very interesting okay what's the first question you regularly make new friends i am strong disagree what i never make really friends i never make new friends you always make new friends okay you spend a lot of your free time exploring various random topics that pique your interest i'm strongly agreeing yeah you too yeah i would agree on that seeing other people cry can easily make you feel like you want to cry also 100 yes you often make a backup plan for your black backup plan agree strongly agree i have i have exit strategies on everything i have strategies i have exit strategies on interviews if they ask me a question i've answered the question in the shower that morning already jesus so strongly agree bert yeah you usually stay calm even under pressure uh not yeah it's not you at social events you rarely try to introduce yourself to new people and mostly talk to people you already know yeah i don't i'm very so i'm very quiet at a party what disagree disagree disagree disagree i'm i'm talking to everyone but i don't let them talk yeah but yeah you're a strong disagree right yeah strong disagree all right uh how many of these [ __ ] questions are there's gonna be a lot dude this is gonna be a [ __ ] horrible podcast yeah we don't want to answer this whole thing right now we know we got it how about this nadav why don't you just answer it for me yeah just finish it finish it after we record i what it's interesting because i wonder how an injury affects your personality it does you know it does yeah i mean i i got i didn't realize that first because at first you're just so in it but then it was talking to like honestly my pt and then christa stefano was a physical therapist you know that's what he did before it stand up so when he was like he was like oh yeah dude he's like we saw it like for them they see it every day because they're they're working with people who have been severely injured sometimes and he's like all the time see he's like some people like come out of their shell have like dramatic changes you know it doesn't have to be dramatic for everyone but he's the one that said i think you definitely feel a personality shift yeah yeah i it's it's funny because i i wonder like the thing the thing that just i can't get past is it can all happen so quickly so fast sometimes i close my eyes and i [ __ ] picture that that day you know like the basketball injury day and like the moment of it and it's like man i still remember pushing off and like not knowing what happened to my leg and then how quickly like the the like the quickness of the arm and then like you know hearing like and like having the tunnel vision of like i know i know i'm super [ __ ] up right now and just yeah but what you're saying though it's just how fast it happened how fast i think of how everything changes this podcast is brought to you by hellofresh burt what's hello fresh hello fresh you get fresh pre-measured ingredients and mouth-watering seasonal recipes delivered right to your door skip the trip to the grocery store don't we all want to do that these days and count on hellofresh to make home cooking easy fun and affordable that's why it's america's number one 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k14 [Music] for up to 14 meals including free shipping that burp was brought to you by hellofresh last night hello fresh it's so good your burps smell amazing this podcast is brought to you by starbucks triple shot energy i'm telling you this has 225 grams of caffeine i'm that is exactly what i need to start my freaking day the starbucks coffee that you love and you're ready to drink well now you can order it in classic flavors and now in zero sugars energy for things you love to do like working out or going to physical therapy or doing an episode or a podcast read of two bears one cave right this is what i need energy for oh my god that is fantastic and this is the extra strength 225 milligrams of caffeine are you kidding me and i love the zero sugar one it's perfect for a workout or a podcast recording the energy best energy boost low calories being on the go i need a drink that's quick throw in the car crack it open murder it and get [ __ ] done what gives you energy find your starbucks triple shot energy online or at local stores i think of those kids uh that this past weekend that did cocaine and overdosed oh my god man that's not supposed to happen i mean i'm not saying that look everyone can sit out there and be like this is why you don't do cocaine shouldn't know cocaine but the truth is we've all everyone's been there and that's not how it's supposed to happen and and not not only that but not everyone in your party [ __ ] dies like that's not going to happen don't forget i overdosed too i remember how quickly that happens like how you're just at a party and you're just hanging out and i was the only one that ended up in the hospital and it was [ __ ] yeah you like you wake up and you're just like oh my whole world's changed everything's changed we have it's so quick we had a um we had a bachelor party right out of fresh out of college when i just moved to new york we had a bachelor party in atlanta and it was right when uh outcast released that song rosa parks and we were in this tour bus we had a strip club in atlanta and we had all eaten ecstasy and i had eaten half a pill and i because i've always been a little bit of a [ __ ] when it comes to drugs so everyone passing around xc pills i eat i get a pill i eat half a pill put the other half in my pocket and i'm in the bathroom and that song oh no everybody moved to the back of the bus you don't want a phone and grump with us oh no what's that fuss and as i walk out two dudes pass out like pass out and they're and they're like [ __ ] what's going on and they're like they're fine they're breathing just let them sleep it off and they were moving they said to me they were moving bodies to the back of the bus and putting them in bunks and i was sitting there going like and i walked back into the bathroom and i was i just taken the pill and i was like oh my god like how the [ __ ] do i get this out of my system and i just looked in the mirror and i was like dear god please don't let me overdose right now and i went in and i had a [ __ ] fantastic evening and i didn't take the other half but i just was like i was like i can't connect with that that's not me and then the next morning we all went over to our buddy's house and everyone was like yeah man that [ __ ] whatever was in that pill man that knocked me the [ __ ] out i was out all night and i was like that that sleep it off thing is how people die a lot too you know yeah because people are scared to address the problem so they're just like you'll wake up and sometimes people don't wake up that once you invite drugs and once you do the illegal activity that's what happened with that my buddy chase is that for what i don't know i mean i won't go into too great of detail but you know he [ __ ] i don't i don't know if you heard the podcast he hit his head and then woke up face down nose broken and couldn't move anything and they [ __ ] and the chick that was her house she was a lawyer she was like no i'm not calling the [ __ ] cops i'm not calling an ambulance i'll lose everything for 45 minutes she stood over him while he couldn't [ __ ] move and she was like i'm not calling anyone he [ __ ] come on get up you [ __ ] just fell get the [ __ ] up there's no way you're paralyzed get the [ __ ] up and and for 45 minutes she didn't want to call the cops she was afraid she was gonna lose everything by the way she should be this barred she was a [ __ ] lawyer in philadelphia she should be this barred but that's horrible and what did he hit his head and that caused the injury he hit his head his head went back and he had a he had a condition where his i guess there was a no i'm a horrible listener but not a lot of space between his vertebraes so when he did that it caused trauma immediately and so and so and also the other [ __ ] saving grace or he would have sued her is she it didn't matter for 45 minutes 45 minutes didn't matter it didn't matter to get him to the hospital quicker none of that would have changed anything wow but 45 minutes you're laying there you're playing she's standing there she's standing there get up to other girls she's like get up just get up you didn't [ __ ] hurt yourself get up and uh man all i think is of in that situation is georgia georgia laying on the ground i just want someone to be mindful that that's my child and that's what i think about for everything is that someone's child like every everyone's someone's child and you would just want someone to take care of take care of the person as if it was your child like going like [ __ ] heartbreaking that you'd be but then you don't think about that when you're sitting there pitching that you're going to marry an 18 year old next you know and that's the [ __ ] up part yeah that's someone's child too yeah but at 18 it's no i mean you got to let go that [ __ ] okay can you imagine going into a [ __ ] 18 you're you an 8 like a 19 let's just like make it let's make it cool 20 years old right okay 20. yeah nice and old yeah and you go to her house and her dad is younger than you i said that'd be weird so the girl tasha who is my like assistant in serbia beautiful beautiful absolutely beautiful but her mom is more my type i was the one one day she goes hey do you want to go i have a boat do you want to take the boat out on the river and i was like yeah and she was like we should do that and i said go watch the sunset have some drinks and i was like i would love that and i was like you know can andrew come and she's like yeah me you and andrew and i was like hey can you invite your mom she goes no i'm not fighting but [ __ ] oh wait you're married i go ahead nobody you think your mom's hot fighter she was like no we're not going down the river [ __ ] you was her mom pretty hot her mom's really hot her mom's really hot and single she's and she but but uh and her mom is like a [ __ ] concert harpin harpinest harpion harpiness harpist harpist is a harpist and so is tasha tash is a con a [ __ ] harpist okay whatever oh [ __ ] it's so [ __ ] yeah is concert heart was it how did what what are you done are you done learning the piano now that you got your hand back yeah i started playing again oh i can't do that it makes me if you see this and you go god man if i could do that i'd be the best pianist yeah this left hand doesn't really do it yet you know but it's starting to get there it looks like it looks better it's better it's definitely better and i can i got wrist flexion back but you know it takes a while is that with it do they give you a list of things you need to get back yeah yeah wrist flexion's like one of the first ones wrist flexion yeah i haven't i got a medical-grade um electric muscle stimulator coming oh putting that on my dick immediately oh i'll do it for you [Music] muscle stimulator [ __ ] muscle stimulate an orgasm out of my dick just [ __ ] put it all around what does it look like it's like a tens machine i think so i think it looks like it but um i haven't seen it yet i'm waiting for it i have physical therapy today oh nice are you in pain at all are you good i'm good what's what what holds you back at all anything uh i i can't i feel weakness like once i when i take this off i i can't i can't bend like to here i can only bend like ha i can't touch my face or anything with that hand with this hand so there's still there's still tightness and when i walk on the treadmill i definitely feel tightness in this in the tendon like will you wear that on stage no oh you haven't seen what i'm wearing on stage well i saw are you really gonna wear that on stage oh i'm really wearing that on stage for red rocks red rocks yeah i'm gonna bring it just hit him with a little [ __ ] fireworks every now and then so it won't stay on the whole time no it'll stay on the no no it's not going to be razzle dazzle the whole time but every once in a while every once in a while i'm going to hit them a little fireworks how do you how do you make it go on or off i'm flying two dudes out to operate it yeah because you know what it is is like remember when kevin hart changed the game when he put fire up behind him hit him with fire and it was like so it was a funny thing and then there's some people that i think i think i think the [ __ ] comedy is lost on them with their production value but but i saw that they did it as a joke right they did it just as a joke and i couldn't stop laughing at how distracting it was i couldn't yeah it was making me laugh so hard that i was like and then i did the video and the video was really funny and immediately my manager was like are you doing that and everyone started hitting me up going are you really doing that you should do that you should definitely do that so i put it in the comments and i had my team read the comments and they're like 96 say that's a brilliant idea and so i was like [ __ ] it it's 1200 bucks to have this arm go off whenever i want it to that's flying the guys out having them operate it and so i was like how will you how will you signify when you want it lit up hit him with fireworks steve that's the guy's name steve and then but it uh and he can do i told them if if there's at times where it might apply to a joke like they can do like the red white and blue flag they can do they can just type in like colorado state flag and make it look like it that's hilarious so if there's a moment in a joke and i'm gonna go through my set but if there's a moment of joke i might have him hit it so we'll see i don't know i'm sure i'm just going to have him keep it off for the majority of the show because it's distracting as [ __ ] to me yeah but uh i had diarrhea for seven days straight this is when this is at the end of go big show directions straight diarrhea is it because you're eating three meals for each meal a day i i wonder if my body was like i give up this is too much and we need to get all this out like you're going home we can't take this with us it's almost like it's almost like kabul imp airport like just get it out so so you were just [ __ ] all day uh i was [ __ ] i was shooting probably six times a day my [ __ ] was i felt like it was a prolapsed [ __ ] like tender yeah and by the way thank you for tushy let me tell you something do you never you want to when you have diarrhea like that a bidet and and i had [ __ ] so much that i think i had like fissures on my [ __ ] like it i think i'd burned holes in my [ __ ] and i would just sit with that tushy and it would itch my [ __ ] i would like just let it go and just on the hardest it could go the just oscillate and just it was almost itching my [ __ ] for me yeah it's pretty nice it's the best and wait did you were you eating aggressively as you had diarrhea yeah i was about to say no and then i was like yeah pretty aggressively like would you call a tall stack of pancakes i mean i [ __ ] had pancakes i was eating like i was eating whatever and then and then i would i would catch myself eating spicy food going what are you doing yeah what are you doing i was putting jalapenos on the on this thing and i was like why are we doing this this is a bad idea i ate uh hot heads you know hot head sends those hot sauces they have one that is [ __ ] um it is almost unenjoy i don't i think people would qualify it as unenjoyable i think you could qualify this hot sauce as technically ruining a meal that's how hot it is but for the [ __ ] select few like myself that love it when it it gets so hot you're just like like you're making faces as you eat it you're like oh you like that i love it i want i wish i knew what that hot head sauce was because it's so [ __ ] good it's so hot i put it on paella last night i don't even oh so goddamn good but theoretically if you gave it to someone if you said here's two dishes i'm gonna put this topping on this one and then one on that one nothing on that one take a bite of the not one the guy would take a bite and go it tastes good you go take it by the other one you go i can't taste anything my mouth's on fire i'm sweating i think i'm gonna throw up and you're like yeah that's what bert likes that's what you how do you like that i have no idea i don't know there's gotta be some some type in why do people like hot sauce it's kind of there's because it's it it isn't enjoyable yeah i used to put it on more i use i use less than i used to now it releases endorphins oh which gives you an instant feeling of pleasure from head to toe people crave the spiciness of the food the same way they crave sweet and salty yeah i [ __ ] love it but there is stuff that's too hot right that's the one i'm talking about but isn't that like the bomb when you know on hot ones dude he does it you get it eighth instead of tenth and you're like i'm gonna die the bomb is an interesting hot sauce in my opinion because the first time i had it i said this is the hottest hot sauce i've ever had in my life and i qualify that as not enjoyable no it's a total meal ruiner but but if you if you put it on a gravy right like so leanne makes those country fried steaks and i will take i will take them and i'll cut them into bites and i'll put it covered in gravy and then i'll put just a dab of the bomb on there and [ __ ] i remember telling someone i remember telling someone who liked hot sauces i was like just you know this is really hot they're like nah i'm good with hot sauces i was like no this is like hey let's start a tv show about how hot this is and then film people eating how hot this is and it'll get millions and millions of views and they're like i don't get it like it's called hot ones and this is the [ __ ] this is the hot sauce that's worse than all of them and they took a bite and they're like why that's that's why would you have that that isn't why who does this and i was like i love it i love it i don't know why i like it you like the bomb i i put the bomb on like i'll put the bomb on stuff like in a chili i'll put the bomb in chili but does it you kind of dilute it though a little bit i dilute it you can't go yeah you can't like the way you do it on hot ones with the wing that's like oh my god you're making my stomach like rumble right now wait oh my god i forgot to tell you one of the funniest okay i want to do i wish you could do stand-up about seeing things that you can't explain why they're so funny but in the moment it's the most brilliant interaction ever okay so okay i thought of this one that reminded me of this one so i was at a buffalo wild wings i'm sure i've told you about this i was at a buffalo wine wings i wish i could tell you exactly where it was i'm by myself i'm on the road i love buffalo wild wings i've been kicked out of three of them i go and by the way for [ __ ] reasons one is i took my shirt off at a conor mcgregor fight and they were like you need to leave now and i was like there's a child in here and then and then two are in utah for standing and drinking come on let's get [ __ ] real utah you can't stand and drink because then kids might see you standing and working yeah you can't stand and drink in utah you cannot stand and hold a beverage you can have it at your table and drink it like a mormon or you can stand and drink and they kick you out twice that happened to me twice the second time i was like there's no way this is real so i'm in buffalo wild wings and i hear and i hear a young uh a young couple like i'd say 16 years old 17 years old first date type [ __ ] right sit down i'd say three tables away from me right but but just caddy corner so i can i'm hearing all their things and it's [ __ ] adorable he's like he's like it's a good seat and she's like it is and he's like um so are you like are you like a soda person and she was like i am and he goes what's your favorite soda and it's like first date and yeah and she goes she goes uh i i don't i like sprite and he goes i like sprite also and the lady comes up and she goes uh can i get you guys something to drink and any orders for both of them we'll both have sprite she goes awesome and she walks away and i'm like oh how cool is this like a first date and then the lady comes back and the kid is in charge now right he's feeling his balls and he's like he's like i know what we're doing i know what we're doing and the lady comes back and he's like um i think we'll both be doing the buffalo wild wings challenge and i'm [ __ ] i'm like okay i'm [ __ ] this is my favorite meal ever so then the same waitress comes to me and i go hey can i get the buffalo wild wings challenge also i want to see how hot these are and she was like she was like yeah no one gets them it's like if you get type in what the buffalo wild wings challenge is it's like their hottest [ __ ] 10 wings i don't even think you win anything but you got to eat their hot s10 wings this is a horrible thing to do on a date especially on the first date on the blazing challenge the blazing challenge right so it doesn't even matter they're so [ __ ] hot they're so [ __ ] hot i take a bite of one and i no longer can feel my mouth you can just turn it i don't look anyone who vomits or regurgitates during the challenge is officially disqualified so this guy this guy and this girl and the girl's like is this fun and he was like uh yeah he's like my older brother and i did it listening to him pitch it to his girlfriend this first date and it i could not stop [ __ ] laughing because i got the wings i tried the wings and they're [ __ ] unimaginably hot this episode of two bears 1k was also brought to you by draftkings it's good to see teams back out on the gridiron lucky for us that was just week one draftkings the official daily fantasy partner of the nfl is putting you in the center of the action for week two new customers can get a free shot at millions of dollars in total prizes with their first deposit by signing up using the code bears get in on the action now it's simple just pick your lineup stay under the salary cap and see how your teams stack up against the competition feel the nfl action like never before with a free shot at millions of dollars in total prizes download the draftkings app now and use code bears this week new customers can get a free shot at millions of dollars in total prizes enter code bears to get a free shot at millions in total prizes with your first deposit that's code bears only at draftkings the official daily fantasy partner of the nfl minimum five dollar deposit required eligibility restrictions reply see draftkings.com for details now this is the one that just happened to me today and i wanted to tell you today now there's a couple levels to this okay okay did i ever tell you about the time i sneezed in that chinese lady's mouth i don't remember i never told you this maybe it sounds vaguely familiar so i was in chicago over by that bean you know where that big bean is and by the way this is all trackable you can find this you can this is a true store you can find this so there's a dunkin donuts in the in the subway station near that bean it's like within walking distance and i'm with my friend i think i'm with my friend stacy i know i'm with i'm with i can't remember i think i was with this girl heidi and she we were ordering coffees and donuts for all the trip flip crew like all our crew so i had two dozen donuts i had two coffees and so what i did is i had the coffees in my hand and the donuts in my arms right so i was going to carry them and i was just going up to the top to i think our hotel was right there and as i have the coffees in my hands and the donuts in my arms i feel like i have to sneeze and i'm like and i don't want to sneeze on heidi or the dunkin donut lady so i just real quick turn around and sneeze and as i sneeze there's this chinese woman with her mouth open like this ah and i sneezed into her mouth i sneezed into her mouth and then i opened my eyes and i go oh my god she's just like she looked at me she goes i'm i'm going to be sick now i go yeah you think i think you are i said can i buy you a coffee she goes you think a coffee is going to make this okay i can't i couldn't stop laughing though because i sneezed in her mouth like i you know when i get uncontrollably laughing and i'm just doing this to her and i go okay just keep going he i mean i almost hurt myself i was that close okay okay all right this is this is the story that i wanted to tell you about okay so i'm driving here and i'm next to this asian woman in a big white suv and a dude this is gonna sound like i'm making this up i'm not making this up a dude in swim shoes a bathing suit a life vest uh like a an outdoors hat like a like a full surround outdoor hat with a thing tied in and a paddle as if he's kite he's lost his kayak is walking across the street he is in swim shoes swim trunks a life vest a swim shirt got his hat on and he's got a kayak paddle in his hand is walking across the crosswalk he's looking for his kayak looking for his kayak and i i watch him and he's not crazy he looks like a time traveler and he's walking across the street and i track him walking across and i'm thinking where the what the [ __ ] and i look and then i see the asian lady tracking him too and as she tracks this way she then cuts to me looks at me in her car and just goes [Laughter] i was like we should be friends yeah i was like i've had moments like that i had a moment like that here like a week ago um and i've had it a few times where you ever go to you're at a stoplight and the car in front of you um just goes you know just like it's waiting and then they just drive through the red light and you're like what are you doing yeah and then you i look at the driver next to me he's like [ __ ] happening yeah i was like i know and you just kind of want to be like let's hang out man let's hang out i told you about the time do you i know i've told you about the time i tried i used to do this as a bit that i was this is probably almost 18 years ago this happened to me i was driving on venice and taking a left on like la cienega i think or not la siena maybe la siena la brea around there but on venice going that direction and it's night time and uh and i hear uh just like just bass like loud ass bass and a hoopty like like [ __ ] like uh impala what like a old impala like like that kind of car pulls up candy-coated paint all over it pulls up and i and it's just loud as [ __ ] and my natural instinct is to look i want to see the car i want to see the person driving and i'm assuming it's a black dude right i'm assuming it's a black dude who if i look he'd be like what the [ __ ] you looking at [ __ ] that's my head i'm thinking right but i don't look but i don't look i don't look and then finally i just peek out of the corner of my eye and it is a black dude and he's eating a candy coated apple he's just going it was like the most softest thing you could ever do just eating a candy coated apple and i looked at him and i was like hey and he was like hey like these are awesome aren't they this is the [ __ ] unfungus thing i've ever seen in my life just candy coated apple i haven't had a candy coated apple in so long i haven't had one in forever i don't think i've ever had one really i've never had a candy-coated apple now that i think about it we should go on a candy run you want to go to a candy store that's the oh i would by the way i wish you were here we could just i bet you could shut one down dude i think what we should do let's do a live show okay where the [ __ ] would we do that we would have to in la right yeah we could do anyway when can we do it can we do one no we need to [ __ ] do it like a month out or some [ __ ] we could do how quick how quick we put one on when when's your next your mom's house live september 22nd oh [ __ ] we could do one october november you only do one for my birthday oh [ __ ] i'm thinking i'm working on my birthday when's your birthday at fifth the third how did you turn bro in the 40s something 49 i'm gonna be 49 what what should i do for my 50th birthday uh blow out bro right come on of course that's the last big hurrah at 60 it's just like well we'll see you know we'll send them off in the pasture yeah but 50 is like it's got to be a blowout dude yeah you have a year to plan for it 50th birthday what do you think i should do destination birthday and invite all my friends yes destination birthday yes both my daughters will be in college holy [ __ ] god destination what are you thinking where are you thinking croatia that's where you want to go yeah no but it's november it's november so it's got we gotta oh we're we should go somewhere where the leaves are changing it's autumn it's kind of cool out we can wear like nice sweaters like where would be a good somewhere in canada that could be idaho idaho wyoming oh montana yeah montana is the [ __ ] and i i reclaim my manly hood in montana where we're just hunting and fishing and getting on horses and [ __ ] yeah yeah [ __ ] [ __ ] huge cabin i told a scenario about leanne's looking really good i don't know i think i don't know what happened but she's looking really good lately i don't know what happened no but i mean she's she's been like over stressed and and when you see her her face is just doing this all the time and he's like ugh and so but yesterday all of a sudden she had this like spring in her step and her face was like shiny like she looked great and i i was telling a scenario she got offended by it she can get offended by it but i was saying like i was talking about red rocks and i was like oh it's gonna be [ __ ] great we're gonna go to jimmy buffett and we're gonna be [ __ ] blowing we're gonna have a great time on mushrooms and land's gonna just be like kissing me and go get over here and finger this [ __ ] and she was like i'm never gonna say get over here and finger this [ __ ] why not yeah i was like why not see that's the disconnect i need you to say and that will happen in montana should be like get on over here and finger this [ __ ] yeah destination montana okay you want to know you want to know the real baller move okay yeah okay can i can i just plant this seed and then i need you to harvest this for me 50th birthday okay we all go to this beautiful ranch in montana we have a great like great great great weekend but blast and then on the last night there right last night there leanne this is the part you gotta get leanne puts down the deed and goes this ranch is yours that's [ __ ] awesome [ __ ] awesome right she won't do it though bro oh [ __ ] cause she sucks yeah or okay i got an eye on something for you for your birthday really it's about 211 thousand dollars wait a minute i gotta get your birthday present ready yeah i'm i'm starting to get nervous about birthday presents because i think we've i think we've might have [ __ ] made this this deal with the devil cause i i'm like i'm looking at birthday presents for you right now yeah because you got me the [ __ ] sidoo you think some high-powered you know artillery [ __ ] is that exciting to you mm-hmm okay i'll tell you what i want i mean honestly i'm not sure i want leanne there for my 50th it would be great to just like i'm talking like you ever seen the video where they drop the bomb into that little sleeve and then they all go like this i want to do that [ __ ] wait what i don't know let's just join the military like i just want to blow [ __ ] up that would be cool i've i have a i have a fantasy not a fantasy but like i keep thinking like in my head if there was like i'm on the road right and there's an attack on la and my family dies that i turn into a [ __ ] mercenary and i just go in blackwater style and start murdering people in afghanistan you just you just picked that destination because afghanistan's our biggest enemy i think these days that are china i'll go i'll go into china and just start [ __ ] slaughtering people if it breezy dies like some real rambo [ __ ] dude i'm really into black water these days i've been reading up on black water is that your uh flip-flop company no that's free water oh sorry no blackwater was the the mercenaries that did that took care of iran do you think do you think sodom hussein had a bidet yeah i do i think a lot of his palaces were equipped with him i'll tell you one thing that is probably an unpopular opinion that's gonna be the name of my next special unpopular opinions saddam hussein no i'm joking saddam hussein went out like a [ __ ] gangster you think so yeah have you ever seen this [ __ ] execution footage yeah he was talking [ __ ] to the guy before yeah just like [ __ ] you [ __ ] all of you that if that was me i would have been like crying please don't do this please don't do this no no no no no i don't want to die i guess you guys will never know where the treasure is like there's a treasure i go if you kill me you're never gonna find it i'd be like ted bunny you know that's what ted bundy did you guys want to know where the other bodies are you're like oh yeah you're not that tough isn't it crazy that we celebrate like duck there's documentaries on ted bundy ted bunny so many and they never stop making them yeah there's so many documentaries on him and he caused so much tragedy in so many people's lives yeah and i understand that that people are like stop making [ __ ] about this guy we get it we get the story harvey weinstein uh it did nothing compared to ted bundy right but there will never be a documentary on harvey like it's crazy that like the [ __ ] is already a documentary about harvey oh there might be there might be yeah but no but you think of like where cancel culture is and you go you go aziz i'm sorry did nothing compared to ted bundy but if ted bundy showed up today they were like oh my god give him a talk show i'd love to hear how you killed more people yeah i mean i guess it's just a fascination can you make people happy can you imagine if that was your daughter that was killed and then all of a sudden oh yeah everyone's got [ __ ] he's on he's trending on netflix and you're like what the [ __ ] always always and they they've made a few scripted movies about them now and and documentaries and tv shows and they keep making them it's it's [ __ ] crazy john wayne gacy i i get chill bumps when i think of how john wayne gacy used to kill his people oh my god he would go he would do this thing where he'd go he had trick handcuffs yeah he'd go there trick handcuffs and the kid would be like for real he's like yeah yeah yeah he'll handcuff me so the kid would handcuff him and then he'd get out of him he's like see he's like here i'll do it to you and he was like okay put his hand by his back and they put on real handcuffs life shouldn't that shouldn't have to happen in life that shouldn't no that should be something that's outlawed that i mean it is outlawed but like the idea that that co that your your life could have that in it and that's how it ends that [ __ ] that's terrific i think tom that's what's [ __ ] me up about my arm is the fragility of life is like killing me that it's just it's just a hair away from oh [ __ ] i don't know how i'll ever deal with this oh what a great way to leave a podcast huh yep the whole john wayne gacy [ __ ] leap off was nice top 10 serial killers who do you think they're all see if you can name the top 10 serial killers what do you mean by top 10 though let's do your favorites just stop name if the top if you said top 10 most googled or whatever serial killers like the ones that are the biggest it's can you name them well the ones that are the most googled yeah we could probably figure that out or close to it i mean it's probably definitely bundy bundy casey casey dahmer yup i got that one too i mean berkowitz right sam yeah um i don't know uh richard ramirez oh yeah oh yeah for sure he went over he'd be up there eileen wuernos oh [ __ ] i forgot about her and then there's oh henry lucas even though there's that whole stories about how much of his [ __ ] was made up and then [Music] type in give me a give me a list of top top 10 serial killers and see if we're on track ted bundy is number one okay pedro lopez what the [ __ ] but we did you you specifically said most googled oh yeah but who who's pedro lopez go go back go back go back go back he sounds like a middle infielder he was a he was in 300 murders in colombia and ecuador oh yeah that's that's representation yeah tribal women actually was in the 80s they found 50 of his pre-teen victims the graves of 50 of his pre-teen victims what was that guy what was the la guy remember the guy they only got him a few years ago and he that's the one patent oswald's wife solved right no no that's that that's also super prolific um that you're talking about uh the golden state killer i'm talking about the south l.a guy you know what i'm talking about there's a south la uh lonnie lonnie something is his name this guy the grim sleeping sleeper bonnie david yeah look how many look at his walls he just died yeah how many people is he responsible for he'll probably say somewhere in there i can't read it uh responsible for at least 10 murders and one attempted murder in los angeles from 1985 to 2007 oh my god he was killing mostly i think black prostitutes and they just didn't even and no i guarantee you no one gave a [ __ ] yeah they didn't put any effort into it the grim sleeper what see i think the problem is they're giving them cool names so if you gave them really bad names like the the little dick bandit yeah then you would be like i don't wanna go jeffrey dahmer yeah yeah we listed him [Music] like they called jeffrey dahmer the gay cannibal he'd be like guys hold on that's not exactly what i was doing dr death who's dr death no no what year is it in 2004 uh between 1972 and 1998. see dr death the [ __ ] grim sleeper the the night stalker they're cool nicknames if they gave him bad nicknames like uh the probably got molested by his father but really wanted to [ __ ] his mother killer i don't know that might make them kill more oh yeah maybe you don't want to piss him off yeah we should come up with our serial killer nicknames hey see if there's a way to come up with your serial killer name because you know there's like your porn star name oh yeah and your wu-tang name your wu oh you got wu-tang names oh yeah yeah killer name generator this is insane that i can't believe that i just thought of this and this is something someone did all right how do we come up with it does it tell you is there anything yeah i guess we just put it in here let's see let's first put in tom's name nope i think i did this wrong all right give me a second killer name generators by the way the trash can butcher was one of them there's a serial killer named generator there yep so uh what generation what year were you born in bert 1972 gen x i'm gen x uh what do you currently do in life you do not work oh uh you do not work in an office yep what is your deepest desire inner and outer peace a compassionate world personal growth finding true love understanding other people personal growth what you say is your strongest quality i stand up what is it uh confidence strength creativity creativity creativity creativity boy this is a big old test jesus how many times keep going keep going uh what role do you play in your friendships i like to make my friends laugh that's it that's it how often do you work out every day all day why did you take this test i'm looking to kill people is that one of the things it looked fun i was bored my friends encouraged me to do so all the above none of the above all of the above okay my serial killer what do you dream about when you sleep i dream [ __ ] crazy [ __ ] uh do you dream that you're drowning fighting or running away from war you dream about flying dream about animals oh my god how many [ __ ] questions this is just hey just start answering willy nilly it doesn't matter i just want a name yeah just click them and go next click it doesn't matter next and then pick one of these i am a male type your name here i thought you were giving me the [ __ ] name prosecute me whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa what are we prosecuting me don't put my kenneth chiller this is terrible go to wu-tang name generator go to wu-tang it's so much more i'll just kill under that and quicker wu-tang generator all right so tom sagura from this day forward you will also be known as rough overlord type in burke chrysler i want to see what i want my name is yep all right bert kreicher from this day forward you will also be known as misunderstood warrior that's uh that [ __ ] sounds like me yeah it doesn't like you misunderstood warrior all right what's your name hey what's wrong what's the right what's the rest of your day look like mine yeah did you get a pickup truck did you get a pickup truck yet no i don't have a truck yet okay good idea um i'm gonna send um anti-aircraft thing to your house for check out see if we can set it up in your backyard yeah i'm going to rogan today um that's going to be a big podcast that'll be fun and then um yeah i already worked out this morning feeling good i can eat some chicken hopefully i won't [ __ ] like i did yesterday where there's meatballs coming out of a glad bag and uh that was a good analogy though right that was really good yeah yeah it was fun to see you man uh kill it this week at red rocks i'm excited for you yeah thank you i'll uh when am i gonna see you in person again um so i would see you next week when i'm i'm in l.a what are you going to be sorry not that this week when you're in when you're in colorado i'll bring you away okay and then um i'll be in la again in october um you're gonna have to come out to austin sometime soon so you're not and we're not wait can we do a live can we do a live one in a temporary studio in september in austin i think so yeah why don't we do a two bears one cave in joe's podcast studio we can see if we can borrow joe's podcast studio and i'll fly out in september just come down for a day or two oh we can do that and then the dog can you be down there for that yeah i will have already been uh moved down there okay because i want to do i want to do another live one i missed i'm missing the live ones live ones are fun yeah let me um let me well you just text me your you know the days you can do it okay all right all right all right love you buddy i love you too man tom tom and bert one goes topless while the other wears a shirt tom tells stories inverts the machine there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean here's what we call two bears one cave no scripts a bit of booze amateur patology dirty jokes raunchy humor no apologies here's what we call two bears one cave [Music]

Channel: YMH Studios

Views: 845,235

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast

Id: sZ8O5meFG1A

Length: 91min 44sec (5504 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 13 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/straydog13]

That story about Bert sneezing in a lady's mouth is hillarious

[u/TroutDaddy]

I tried finding Jimmy Buffett's podcast. I'm pretty sure Bert made that up.

[u/Mountain-Papaya-492]

Tom "I don't get too excited, I don't get too down. I'm pretty even keel.." The darkness burns behind his mild mannerisms like another famous man Garth Brooks.

[u/Roach_Coach_Bangbus]

I just can't do the zoom thing.

[u/PrestigeWorldwide-LP]

every now and then, Nadav reminds us that he's legitimately tok'd and the googling thing is not a bit. googling jimmy buffet wives gets you a result in a second... savannah is his 40 year old daughter, not his wife, and Jane is no where near 40 years old. also Tom is tok'd for thinking someone he married in the 70s could be 40 years old now... Bert's just generally tok'd so nothing to add there

[u/Finster137]

What the hell is going on! Tim is listing off serial killers and he doesn’t mention Garth? What the fuck, Tim? Garth has killed more people than anyone!

[u/auchvielegeheimnisse]

Tom has 💯 percent gained back some of the weight he had lost.

And Bert has definitely made up the term wife guy comic, without even listening further.

[u/tripfontaine1]

Right now right now right now right now right now right now Right now right now right now right now right now right now

[u/CatDaddyLoser69]

No way Tom’s wu tang name isn’t Peruvian White.