Ep. 23 | 2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

this episode of two bears is brought to you by policy genius we're always going to get things wrong at some point right that's just life but there are also things we can get right on the first try like shopping for home insurance that's where policy genius comes in I'm a homeowner and it's like literally it's been beat into my head how important insurance in my whole life because my dad worked in that field so I know how important it is and it's like the first thing that I make sure I'm covered on is all the insurance stuff home insurance health insurance life insurance you just have to have it if you want to go to policy genius it's fantastic you go there you answer a few quick questions about yourself and your property then they do all the comparing and shopping for you they'll actually break it down even if you have a current policy they go well we did all the research you can save this much by switching to these people and then they'll actually take care of the switching for you so you don't have to be you know burdened by all that they also you know if you're in a car they'll they'll compare home and auto policies across different insurers even mix-and-match to find you the best savings it's an absolutely fantastic service so even if you look back on your days and you go like oh you know I don't want to deal with it it is just worth a few minutes of time you can find your best price and apply at policy genius.com we get all things wrong from time to time at least we can get home insurance right with policy genius [Music] [Music] it's not cool to say Jews are weak have a little compare hey welcome to another episode of two bears Israel we were joking I don't think all Jews are weak I think the dobbs week he's one of you said he's one of the sneaky ones that survive no oh the sneaky one survived I mean what are we gonna do with that this is the only podcast that starts off zero to a hundred every [ __ ] time amen every [ __ ] time you're the throttle dude ah welcome to two bears one cave he's Burt I'm Tom he's got a special that is currently trending in the top ten in the US on Netflix please watch his special ball hog and then you will see underneath when you're done you may also like secret hey big boy Michael yeah my special hey big boy was streaming last week and it got bumped off by some [ __ ] fat [ __ ] they're like there's not two there's not room enough to be fair it's not top two it's top five mine was top ten no no it is go ahead please watch our specials yeah please watch our specials watch our new ones and then watch our back catalog yeah don't forget there's others and then do this and obviously if you're a fan of the show word of mouth is a huge [ __ ] thing do me a favor do me a solid favor text your friends you know in those group chats you got your your cool friends text your friends where you got the guys who party at five o'clock and text our text and the [ __ ] picture was a wood with the big dick yeah Tex didn't say hey check out Burton Tom's special so that'll be mule are you blown away that I got in touch with his family I'm sorry I did not know that yeah so I want to know everything everything I want to know everything about this man okay and an end with how he died okay so I he grew up I'm gonna like well this is a perfect time to do this so we got his email this week Tom I need some help I have created a monster I started a drinking game called Bertus interruptus we watched any Bert podcast and traits take a drink anytime he does the following for one drink this is one drink number one if he interrupts anyone number two a lot we have a drink anytime he touches his face nose ears or ears number three asks a question then changes the subject to a story about himself number for any mispronunciation and number five any utterance of Mickey Mantle the next tier is two drinks anytime he tells a story only to interrupt himself and then tells another story it forgets the first story also we have two drinks any time he answers a question with a story that has nothing to do it's a question two drinks any time he touches his toes or smells his fingers we got so [ __ ] hammered I may have to rethink the rules any suggestions patent pending Roger Oh Roger you are a [ __ ] genius Wow God man I touch my toes you know what another thing I do a lot is you'll see it I grab my fingers a lot like this these are things I notice and if you watch me on rogue and I'm constantly playing with the cord I'm constantly tangling and untangling the cord just to point out in the last 15 seconds that's like six drinks oh yeah based on those rules yeah yeah yeah tell me everything right here we should that would be like and no one could see it could unit off a panel and between us yes a big a big like like a bit like a like a like a panel oh yeah no no I can see that yeah like they do when you when you when you tame Tigers yeah yeah yeah have you you get ready Roger have you ever seen how they do that so one time I was when I was working for FX you were working with Tigers and what they do is yeah they get the panel right here it's like it's like crystal clear but it's it's a it's like a huge thick thing the tiger can't get through yeah and so you it looks like you're right they did it for four when they did the tiger work and hang over that's how they do it so we should get like one of those clear panels yeah yeah we should do that yeah how do you know that they did that in the hangover I'm just guessing oh guest it seems that should be another category for drinking on a bird podcast is anytime I give you information that's not actually entirely true yes sam cooke are killed while raping a woman mm-hmm that's dr. ham my dad told me that when I was a kid listen to the Sam Cooke yeah I'm driving down the street listening to uh a via hey god no is chemistry you know that song I got AB in biology and then my dad goes inners man was killed raping a woman in a hotel and I went I was like ten and I was like really yeah hell of a way to go pants down shot him so Wow so then cut to I'm in college and they're talking about Sam Cooke and the Rolling Stone article guys next and we're in an English class someone's bring up scam Sam Cooke I go a little footnote about Sam Cooke killed raping a woman Hotel pants around his feet hell of a way to go and the guy goes the [ __ ] and go I'm actually not sure of that are we playing the game yet let's go back to wood let's go back to you you didn't remember wood okay I want to go back to when I want to talk about wood his name's wood so if you don't know well oh well yeah yeah that's that's the name that's his stage this real name hold on hold on let me guess it's gotta be Anthony Joseph or Robert no it's a it's an unusual name oh it's 4040 yeah w ard Y short for warden I don't know warty jobber the third Wow yeah right yeah mornin he was born in uh-oh - Mississippi uh well he lived in Northern California oh that is not at all what I thought yeah oh great yeah of course yeah okay keep going so do you tell this on Rogen's podcast I told a bit of it but I mean then take your time with it yeah let's and then it's clip this out and this is go this is one of the most this guy I had a bit about him when I was doing my new hour that's now gonna be scrapped because I got all you know I don't think it's gonna be scrapped alright here's why by the end of this when the road when the arrow was back on the road like everyone has seen or heard about him seen these texts oh yeah it's gonna resonate more men christina was the first person to send that text to you literally the first one of the first grant group of people to get that text out it was sent to her by Josh out of Meijer he's been at the forefront of this for a general atlas Josh Ida Meyers has been sending me texts with this every day Oh new ones like all the new ones are big one he does all of them and the Statue of Liberty that you see the video one where they put the the sock they're watching us like a World Cup match yeah and they put the Trump talking about a big package it's a unique package and then exact so so wait so Christina sent it to Leanna we talked about this on this podcast yeah and it was a murderous bit on stage but not everyone knew who he was right and so I knew a visual but I think it'll change right it's gonna change so so and the great thing is what you have to do when you tell it when you go jack is not explain too much who he is because so many people will know yeah it's like it'll be there quick right yeah and I think I'll be able to do the punches so so we all started if you have if you are what somebody's not aware people have been sending I'm sure you know text to each other I did talk to I did talk to a report of the other day who I was telling the story to and I was like cuz you know those those texts were like the big black guy was huge [ __ ] and she goes I don't know what you're talking about and I go everyone's getting this because I have certain people do not text like that yeah I go well the whole thing is that it's a it's always supposed to be a misdirect right that's how it started sorry that's destined positive for HIV for ona virus yeah and then you you said that to me yeah and I clicked it and then it's the it's book it's a yeah and it's basically it's um you know you misdirect by sending information and there's a hidden link and when you hit the link instead of reading whatever article you see a really big black dude sitting on the edge of a bed with a really 270 a [ __ ] with a [ __ ] hammer yeah like I mean it's a [ __ ] anaconda it's it's Georgia showed it to the kids on our softball team and they were like we need to get one of those for the on-deck circle yeah that's like you imagine that that would just Oh damage you but so I'm circumcised by the way yeah it's really something so anyways we keep getting those texts every day it's like almost something I look forward to like oh yeah how it would be disguised you know I mean there's like you see the new Rams logo they did it with a bit of a new rim on Mount Rushmore at the Statue of Liberty oh there's one where a kid is like in somewhere in Asia and is like on a chalkboard and they're drawing him instead of like hunt like they they superimpose that you know just all this great Photoshop stuff anyway I was curious like who is this dude why don't we open and I was trying to find him I couldn't find anything and then obviously enough people got curious started to be like articles written about him and then I saw the TMZ posted an article and they're like sad news that guy in all those texts you're getting has died they interviewed the photographer who took that photo so the photographer took that photo a guy named Walter was like oh you know he he didn't know about it until the interviewer for TMZ told him he's like well I'm sad that you know his image is being used that way like it was kind of you know serious about it oh hold on I'll put a pin in that yeah his intended use was to produces to jack off to it yeah what a [ __ ] [ __ ] no he's he's a night god forbid this takes some light out of a really serious subject I think I just being used that way I intended this for like dudes really into black men the big dicks to jack off to I mean that was my intended use [ __ ] jackass well I think he just didn't he he interpreted the information as this guy who's no longer with us as being I think he perceives it as being made a mockery of you know not at all yeah well I think anyone who saw that dick was like [ __ ] all praise Allah well yeah I when I saw that I mean it really makes you feel that you'll never forget that guy's face for as long as you live no no no shout out to the photographer it's an amazing picture and if anybody told you in your life that you have a big dick you don't that's what you learn when you look at that photo you know hey by the way yeah I am definitely recreating that picture yeah with my real dick yeah putting it out on April Fool's oh you should and just my real dick sit on the edge of the bed so anyways I see this I see this article and it says oh these people are selling merch with his image on oh I saw that like barstool yellow Bible so I've no I mean none of those are the exact ones but yeah yeah so I see that article in a set he goes you know he he's the he owns the image there's one thing that for sure he owns they admit she goes so technically everybody basically owes him a licensing fee yeah once again cool guy as opposed to wood who should own the image cool guy photographer owns but no all photographers would all not yet you can buy them back and you can buy them back photographers who can be absolute [ __ ] constant they can I've made to be a total [ __ ] [ __ ] and there's cool ones and then there's cool ones like Troy Conrad so like Troy Conrad yeah every time you take a picture hits you up here you go man yeah to come out on the road with him those are yours now yeah he's great he's for karma it's [ __ ] awesome so anyways the guy goes in the article he says everyone's selling this mare she goes I just wish that they would share some of the proceeds with the family that's great that's a who as opposed to him tryin to [ __ ] go hey these are MOT this is my money yes exactly I would probably do right so definitely by the way I just talked a lot of [ __ ] about photographers I do everything they did like I would be like that's my photo I own that how about the money comes to me okay of course yeah I can't help it that's actual business so I I read the article and I go okay here I go this guy's made me laugh so much oh my I go I'm gonna create merch I have a merch business and I'm gonna find his family and give them the the profit to so I immediately I called my my shirt guy and I go what his face on it and I was just trying to think of a phrase like what what would be the thing because you can't go like hardcore with the phrase you know yeah I go oh I know it should be wash your hands right because that's the theme great so we threw up a shirt called wash your hands with his face on it we should it's it's very simple I know he's weak fingers there it is that's great right that's awesome it looks like Michael Jordan but it's almost looks like crying Jordan from here it does and who the [ __ ] your model Jesus Christ they work at the [ __ ] sweat Jesus so anyways I reach out to the family well here's the thing I put I want to get that out there I put it up it starts selling he calls me he's like this thing is on fire really like people are selling or buying this [ __ ] crazy right now I go great I go I need I need to find the fit so I reached out to TMZ myself like on their website nothing nobody ever gets back to me it's been like five days they don't they never got back yeah so I called my manager and I go TMZ is kind of like Isis they've got these splinter cells that don't really yeah connect with the other ones but they're all got the same well I realized I wasn't giving them a tip I was like you help me find someone and they were like so anyways my manager got the photographer's number like immediately nice so I got in touch with him was he cool he was super cool yeah and then I told what I was doing I didn't mention it but I think so he didn't hold on one second I was just getting done talking this guy he was like my [ __ ] was throbbing so hard during this photo shoot I was like I probably so he ended up giving me by the way shut up a photographer where's he in San Francisco yeah Hey wow that was a stab in the dark yeah hey I will totally do that exact same photo shoot with you just hit me up I'm sure he's dying to do it so he takes pictures of like muscle bears with huge difference because so I get in touch with this lady that I find her and I go I via online right I didn't want crabber number I just I messaged her and I go hey so this is what's going on I got your information from this photographer and she tells me she goes it has been an overwhelming day I didn't know about that photo thing till today so she's like I didn't even know that that's how people are texting each other and I was like oh [ __ ] and she tells me she's like would have been great if you were the one that did tell her you're like hey got your number from this drivers like and like your brother in Psych days passed and you're like well he had a big dick like I didn't know that well boy do I have a story to tell you she was super what's your number let me text you a link she goes she goes she goes I'm hoping that uh she's like he had kids and I don't want them to see it and I gotta tell you something they probably saw it yeah I go this thing is like viral like a lot he's the face of the coronavirus well he's the face the face of he's the face of the joke of the corona boy he is when when I remember coronavirus yeah you'll be like we may teach our grandchildren coronavirus they're gonna show a picture of him probably just so you know this was the text all you got well she said you know she goes it was um she goes he was really really sweet this is fiance so his fiancee and talk to words fell to her sister his fiancee yeah his fiancee and she was like it was um she goes it was really unexpected that he died he died heart attack yeah in her heart in her arms at home in 2016 he died and she goes a new heart attack yeah there's a GoFundMe that was still active or still up and I don't think it's working because I tried to I posted it everyone's like I can't donate so I've reached out to her but but I'm still giving her all the shirt proceeds so I was like oh [ __ ] yeah it's gonna be you know thousands of dollars that's great so I mention I'm sure she could use it in this time well not only that it's that up she goes you know he's uh he's buried on a plot with his faint like his mother and so and put how's that funny what's the funny part what I'm just imagining the gravesites and there's just a huge love I have to talk to her later man don't show her this I remember look I'm not you can't help understand he's also a person but he's bigger than a person right now he's a long face of like he's a text everyone's God you're not getting it dude what am I not there's a separate casket for his [ __ ] baby and to bury him on his side because they were afraid that it would [ __ ] unearth like [ __ ] Night of the Living Dead yeah that's because it's a horrible days past this 2016 it's been a while but here's here's the thing on the family plot everyone has a tombstone but him been able to to buy it to pay for it so hopefully this money will pay for it that's it what it's gonna be good what I'm not just making jokes I know when did you become the joke police I'm not the joke police make a lot of jokes you want lose about horoscopes you'd be giggling no it's always different though when you talk to someone you talk to someone I haven't talked to her and I'm gonna talk to this photographer so I have no attachment just like anyone watching you like and whatever but uh I mean I think probably talk to her it's like how meeting porn stars ruins everything for you you know yeah I go like oh you're a person and you have a life you know you're not this because I thought you were the so so how like she should be getting tons of [ __ ] money because I think her thing is yeah but none I don't think any of them are gonna send it to her so look how that sucks yeah how many kids he got I don't know she goes it was unexpected and also he wasn't a regular model that did that for a living he she's like he did that during a really dark time in his life he was you know this is gonna lose his house so he did it to me remotely takes the fun out of this ya know yes maybe you shouldn't have called hey guys this is two bears one cave I hope you're having a good time my buddy Noemi bummer no no no but here's the thing I wanted to tell you if you want to if you can you get that shirt all the profit will go so yeah guys go to Tom's uh Jesus Christ yeah also people have asked me a lot does she even know his dick was that big I didn't say did you ever notice how big his dick was I mean that had to be something that is such a massive it's gotta get in your way yeah that's a problem it's gotta be a [ __ ] like no bike rides it gets caught me change so she said that that's what she goes that's why he got into powerlifting was that he was struggling to walk around with that thing so he was lifting weight doesn't he's a he's a in shape looking dude like he's a good looking he's a big big dude yeah big a lot strong dude I'm what a [ __ ] how big is it can you pull it up there so we can just see it real quick how big was she in sale tall he was mm-hmm no he didn't get it you think he was a tall man he looks like he was about 6-3 6-4 if we can get into stats you know there we go but let's see whose dick look at this look just look at him yeah what it was tattoos say I got a big dick do you think this forearms big yeah hey did you hear the did you hear the the black guys on the stoop in Brooklyn fighting with the cops recently oh no the cops is just them talking [ __ ] and then the automatic go to is take that badge off and we'll see what happens yeah and they're like take that badge off the cops like [ __ ] you [ __ ] and they're like no [ __ ] you take your badge off [ __ ] and the cops are walking away and this a hazing cop just comes in and goes hey guys calm down they're like take a walk Jackie Chan and Jackie Chan was trending yesterday because of this because of that because of this it was it was yeah did you see that nevermind don't you're the slowest person to bring in stuff up Nadal how long does it take you it's it's [ __ ] ridiculous like he like literally goes of Bad News Bears did you know about the Bad News Bears yeah no next week he'll be like you want to see the Brooklyn thing yeah it was a Patton yeah it was what was that that's his dick Jesus Christ I bet Patton's got a hog you think so I bet well I bet he'd be a fun guy to be quarantined with if you had to be quarantined with one celebrity who would it be with who would you go to be able I think Patton would keep it fun and you'd also learn something it was really smart he's well-read and he might be even like let's read this book and then talk about it in an hour like who did not want to be quiet weekend between two it quarantined with aren't we'd have another drink I would not want to be quarantined I bet Maron would be a long cord well thing is when I share this avocado okay he would also get so bothered by you so quickly I would drive Marc Maron walking he would just be like oh you like this all the time man gyms would ever stop yes I know enough okay Bert Jim Jefferies Jim Jefferies would be a fun quarantine definitely yeah Anthony Jeselnik is just drinking by himself this entire quarantine he said that three cell on his Twitter that made me so [ __ ] excited Ivan had I drank with judge smoked with Joe but I haven't drank all quote what am i know you said I haven't had and then you're like I drink I smoked I did all this stuff two days ago those two days ago but whatever it doesn't count I drank all day though you did oh yeah I drank all day drank with Joe and I was like I'm gonna keep it on pace but yeah I drink all day drinking their water oh I'm on amoxicillin you are yeah I'm a [ __ ] hardcore dude that my we were talking about this earlier you want to talk about scary you know I've had a problem my teeth my whole [ __ ] life do you not wanna hear wait wait I'm gonna change the subject on you okay put a pin in this let's talk right about this cuz that we were just talking about merch and I just got my train of thought back the hats are in route right now everybody asked about the the to barricade yes so they're not there are being shipped right now so there'll be up problems or limit one limited role is it maybe it'll be in the store by the time this airs but just so you know can you can people order them you should put them up on the website now they'll be on the website and there are size tats their size hats yeah so these are sized limited runs my view size 7 through I think everything through 8 you know so if your size 8 [ __ ] jump on that [ __ ] now I've got my - I love that hat I wear it everywhere I know and everyone's always like what a badass hat ya know yeah whatever stuff though if you haven't heard us talking about him then you haven't been listening hims is a wellness company for men to make them look and feel their best 66% of men start losing their hair by the age of 35 and once you've noticed it thinning it could be too late but if you'd notice it thinning you can also stop it if you get in front of this bus you can stop this bus like Keanu Reeves do not go any further it's not a good analogy I don't know the best way to prevent hair loss is to do something 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codes bears with the code bears at checkout go to whoop wh 0p com enter bears at checkout to save 15% sleep better recover faster and train smarter optimize your performance with whoop all right back to what you were saying so you owe your teeth so you've always liked you said that here's the thing I was busting your balls about your Chiclets and then you uh you were like oh I've had I didn't I didn't know you had any dental issues then you started to tell us your dental history but then on top of all your crazy dental history how I asked you like oh well when was the last time you went you're like I don't know 10 years ago it was been nine years it was nine years and then what prompted you to finally go now so I was with you guys last week when I did this with you guys I saw him having remember yeah I said I know you're chewing on the other side of your mouth choose only one on one side of my mouth this side was like in so much pain and I said to Leon I was like can you look in my mouth and tell me if something's going on I love my wife but there's something about her she doesn't have the preening this about her like the part where you go hey I got like something on my back can you take a look at it she goes oh hold on let me get my glasses let me get it oh my god I'm gonna pop this that's not LeAnn yeah she doesn't do that at all and and so with my two she was like it's like I don't know I can't see it I can't see it that's not it by the way it sounds exactly like my wife it makes me so mad I'm like I'm like well take a second slow down find a way to see it yeah cuz it's hurting me really bad and I would love to know what's going on just trim my [ __ ] neck or shave my [ __ ] [ __ ] yeah and so that was IDEs and she she won't do anything like that least she won't cut my toenails like anything she'll cut the girl's toenails and I'll go hey do you mind she like no you do yours and I go well you're already cutting toenails like just do it yeah it's fun to have someone cut your toenails it's like no you do I'm not cutting your toenails and it's almost like I like a subservient thing yeah I go hey uh like like I have then you go like do you like the house you [ __ ] live in it better like your life Leone with her like one time she was like I'm having a pain my belly button there's a laws is I only moved into the house where now and I said what do you mean she goes something's going on what does like hurts so I go in and there was like this chunk of dried skin dirt and I like got tweezers and pull I put my glasses on I got a flashlight throw up dude it was so [ __ ] awesome Leanne used to have this little hole on her face she's gotten it removed and there's Alan scar dude if you look at an older picture of land she had a legit dilated poor a hole on her face a hole right here what happened zoom in it can see how close she can zoom in on her face it's on her it's it's on her left sock or her left yeah that side that side zoom in she's had this hole in her face and I [ __ ] loved it I loved it more than anything because she used to let me clean it out hmm when we were dating not now paint it out yeah cause it would get we get filled up with makeup and like dirt I'm gonna [ __ ] peel it was so awesome and so she had had it like a pimple when she was a kid and she went to pop it he had a hole right there no you said hole zoom in the Dobb with the [ __ ] zoom in do you see that hole right there on her lip over there yeah yeah she used to have that hole in her lip and it would fill up with makeup sometimes she looks so much like Lee uh eyelids [ __ ] insane and I used to love that hole I mean it's part of the reason I fell in love with her cuz I she let me pick at it and then and then when we got married and got older any time I go to look at her and it make me laugh right I love that hole then she got it removed because they thought it was cancer and then and they and now she has a scar going down her face okay and so but my point is I'm a pre nur I love to like pick it [ __ ] yeah and she won't do it at all so I had this thing in my mouth when I go you just look at it it's like he can't see anything and I go try to take a picture she goes I can't like you didn't try to as well as I can and then I go Georgia island then they're like No not doing it a bombs not doing it and then like no one will help me like I'm having massive pain so I go to sleep Sunday night no Saturday night and I'm like I mean I am like blinded I mean I can't tell you I remember watching uh castaway with Tom Hanks yeah remember he'd be like you look oh and you like it's a [ __ ] to thank dude yeah holy [ __ ] till you woke up with horrible tooth pain I mean to the point where I was like I was doing every home remedy swashing with with salt water sleeping with onions in my mouth I I dude I bit into an onion and I just slept with a chunk of onion in my cheek I did that's a home remedy it would work for a second and then it would go away I had onion to my cheek just put it in your mouth onion in bed with me with a knife and I just cut off a sliver and shove it on my cheek and dude I did everything it's 2:00 in the morning I am I thought your breath stunk before dude it was I mean I was just eating onion like I was eating onion all night cuz I was like I mean on that side it it was searing I couldn't see I wait how do you what'd you wait is it you wake up Sunday morning then her Sunday morning I wake up and it's still bad I get on the treadmill and I'm trying to work out hmm I run four miles and I can I'm like and it's throbbing again and now I'm like [ __ ] it I go in and I kind of suck on my tooth like like you're trying to get something out of it and I feel a pop and I go oh and all of a sudden all the pressures released what I don't know is I've now popped whatever abscess is in that tooth and it's not draining into my throat so I'm like now like oh okay here we go this is better Oh Mike so I'm trying to think if this is a drink category or not hold on so so it's it's relieved Sunday and Monday and then Monday at some point in the day I guess maybe it whatever whatever relief I gave it went away and it started building back up again and it started building up in a horrible way and then cut to Tuesday I am in like blinding pain again I go to the dentist and the debt by the way all Dennis Keene why can't Dennis just every dentist like I [ __ ] told you so like why can't I just be like oh this sucks like I see him he's like nine years and I'm like you know like I get let's go yeah let's get this he's like I told you know you lost I'm here I was like I'm like no I get that I [ __ ] get that I'm like blinded and like it didn't guy was nice enough to come in on his day off or not day off but when in a pandemic he looks at it and he goes this is the worst abscess I've ever seen the worst cavity I've ever seen and you have decay on another tooth like this is bad like I can't do anything about this and then he says what do you mean I can't do anything about it one point he starts laughing goes I can't do anything about it I get I can't I can't help you I can't help you like almost like excited he goes give me $10,000 thank you you be there that large I still can't help you and I'm like okay that's awesome like what do I do and he's like you gotta go do it endodontist so I go to this ended on but he hits it so you leave this kind leave I'm still in pain I'd go home still searing pain I go to yesterday I go to a guy and this guy was a [ __ ] what what is an endodontic endodontist deals specifically in route work I think I'm not certain pull up the word endodontist it'll say exactly but it's giving me 15 minutes hold on it's it's basically uh just four root canals so like he's best specifies what to endodontist do Dennis specialize in saving teeth stupid all dentists specialize in saving teeth I'm very complex root canal okay so he comes in very cool guy remember this guy he I've been to him one other time before and he was like get her abscess I was like well the thing so he's like you definitely do did it pulled it out fine and then I said hey man I gotta fight and he put me on antibiotics you go I go I had a fight at night he was like oh cool here's the prescription for xanax I was like oh thanks I didn't check the milligrams I took one it was a two milligrams an X on the flight I woke up on the plane when they were cleaning it I was two minutes he gave me a two to put em perspective if I take a milligram I take a quarter of a milligram I think a quarter of one milligram do you have any left they were all I ate them all up so quickly I broke them in half and took 1 milligrams of xanax so so so I dress this guy so I go to the guy he goes looks at me and he goes alright let's take a look and he's like wow it's bad he said we're gonna fix you up we're gonna fix you up he's like tell me if you have sensitivity to cold and he shoots just regular tap water on my tooth and it felt like someone shot me in the head I was like good and then he's like okay okay do you sensitivity to heat and then he puts just a warm call for my tooth and I'm like oh and he's like and then he looks and he goes alright we're gonna need a cat scan and I'm like cat scan that's what I said I was a cat scan and then he does this time he goes like huh-huh oh God huh oh dear Lord and he goes do the whole [ __ ] mouth and I'm Mike and he goes my concern is it's everywhere now I'm thinking I'm like we're gonna have to do root canals on all my [ __ ] teeth and I'm I'm Mike I'm like [ __ ] flipping out I play a song to try to calm down and it's Radiohead you have no one to blame but yourself and I'm like [ __ ] Jesus so I go in and get a cat scan and they put me in this way do they do it right there but he's got it he goes here we used to have to send you across the street but now we got one in the building so go in you stand in this thing you bite down and it just kind of swims around yeah six minutes six foot she goes is gonna take 67 minutes now I know the Machine story's 13 minutes long so I sit there and I go and I'm panicking right I'm panicking so but all the [ __ ] going on the fact that I'm in this tube and it's spinning around my head and I can't move anything about being trapped so I bite down on the thing she goes already ready she hits thing and I go when I was 22 years old I got Bob what here's how it happened I went to school at Florida State I wasn't a very good student I just think and frankly Helen Keller were good I like I do them I do the Machine story that keeps you calm it's just it's just I'm knowing like one I'm on stage then when I get to a certain point we got seven minutes left it's a thirty minute story we got seven minutes left so all I know is if I get to and then Igor says different mafia runs train different mafia runs the Moscow I'm like okay we're almost there dude I told the whole [ __ ] story I was in there for 13 [ __ ] minutes of this gas scam I told the whole [ __ ] story I kept in he comes in and he goes great news I said really goes a really funny story manly were he left that off the top of your head great news is one tooth I want really he goes it's just one tooth he goes I was worried for a second and I was like you were [ __ ] worried wolf and then he didn't performed a rocco siffredi x' on my mouth and do the back to the song crowd and I got safe at one point and the problem is so he gave me so much he numbed the [ __ ] out of me and I could still feel it he gave me three shots in the inside like in there he gave me shots all in here and I could still feel it but it was a it was like an hour long procedure maybe last but Leanne says about an hour all I know is I had a rubber thing over my mouth so that was attached to to so it caught whatever it thing like chick bail out yeah it went into the back of my throat and I my nose goes numb right cuz now my nose is numb my whole face is numb my nose goes numb and I can't breathe in it because as I go to breathe it just closes so I can't breathe out of this side because I like I like nasal stuff because my allergies so now I am a mouthful of saliva going and holding my I had to hold my breath in and out for a [ __ ] hour it was the longest I got done you know I'm close to panic so I'm always the whole time I'm like I shouldn't take my [ __ ] xanax totally taking the [ __ ] xanax I get done and he's like man that was [ __ ] scary we got it I know it's like oh and like at the end of all this it's just you had one bad tooth one bad tooth I have another tooth that's has decay but that worries like we're not worrying about that right now I was like that's the least of our concerns so is the tooth that was bad that's out completely no hmm but it's still in he's put a temporary filling in it and then in four weeks or when this virus goes away I'm gonna come in he packed it full of medicine he's gonna pull out the medicine fill it and then I have to get a crown on it ms:i grind my teeth and so I don't have enough tooth fair versus gum to put a crown so they're gonna have to readjust all my gum lines in the back of my jaws and crown on my back teeth so they're going to cut off my gums do this is going to be a remember when I was like I don't want to deal with the dentist yeah because I knew this was happening right I knew this was coming down the pipe my dad goes just get him to pull your teeth pull all your [ __ ] teeth put implants in it's so much easier I think he's right I do it I should've just had him pull the tooth yesterday I wouldn't have that [ __ ] do you wouldn't know that why don't you just go in and be like hey I just want veneers just take everything out oh no no no that's not how that works it don't they have to they pull the truth then they have to wait till it heals then they put implants in and then they screw it into the input I mean it's like it's a [ __ ] nightmare do you need to get rid of your teeth yet like yesterday you start saying things when you get to a place of like desperation you start saying things like maybe I'll die before I have to deal with this like yeah yeah like maybe like I go maybe if I just got rid of all my teeth get rid of all my teeth right then and LeAnn's like no wait what does she think well she goes all I can say is thank you God I have great teeth and I went what about yeah what about me going through all the drama she's like oh I'm so glad I don't have to deal with that [ __ ] and I was like oh cool like yeah thanks God thanks God she has great teeth what about the hole in her [ __ ] face me and we were fighting yesterday you were about what I don't even know like it was just like well I you know we lost the chicken and so that was what happened woo coyote got into her backyard and ripped our chicken's head off just one just one she was laying an egg and the Coyotes stuck her head in a little nesting box gripped the [ __ ] chicken's head off and took off and I the dogs heard that the dogs went out like new something's going on but it was eyeless chicken and i lo was [ __ ] devastated you guys thought about this no we took it to the new house that we will now are now postponing everything wrong that we just own an old house in the next year two houses yeah we have two houses but one use bestest you can go enjoy the backyard so we took you to the new house dug a hole and then put Iowa's chicken in said some kind words about Charlotte and then argued on why dad dug the hole that way oh oh you dig it like that why would why would you put why would you dig it and not put all the dirt in one pile because I guess I dug it and like put dirt in different places and then had to gather that dirt to fill the hole and so I just was why would you do it that way and I said I don't know she does know I mean like normally when people dig a hole they put the dirt in one pile I go yeah I understand that I didn't do that way she goes I know but now it's gonna be harder I go yeah I'm well aware of that and we're been in silence crying and we're burying a chicken and I'm like I know but I dug the hole so like let me just say I'm just saying I go no I know exact wording thing and then and then there's a fight about just like there's just little things about like I really I honestly am like I'm very money conscious right now about all of this [ __ ] like I'm very just cognizant of money for the first time in my life I'm like don't let's just [ __ ] hunker the [ __ ] down yeah like and and and she's just like you know well what are we gonna do with this house and so it's it's like dude I'll tell you right now I've never film it's you know you hear people have financial problems doing this it's it's across the board like everyone's dealing with [ __ ] and it may not be as Extreme some people or as bad for some people but everyone's [ __ ] dealing with it of course and it's and it's amazing I've never really dealt with financial issues with Leigh Ann just because I've been tapped the [ __ ] out my entire career but the first time man talking about money makes a relationship [ __ ] complicated it's that is like the number one thing that people argue about in relationships I can't imagine I remember talking to Adam Carolla one time and I said when you lost your job at Clear Channel and you went home how did you explain it to your wife and it was like it was almost like um is a bad example but when you connect with someone on someone level someone's level like you ever had a bad flight and someone had a really bad fight they're like oh dude and that's when you can act yes I don't crawl just the look he goes oh yeah it's that really he goes I went home and I said to my wife how much do you think we spend a month and she gave me her number and then I said let me tell you the real number and he told he goes I told her the real numbers said no Hey and he goes and I've lost my job do you know what that means and she goes no and he goes we need to make it the number you initially thought it was and it was like but like everyone deals with out on so many [ __ ] levels that you go [ __ ] like everyone in this country's dealing with that yeah I mean the only the only comfort in it is that you know everyone's dealing with it that's the only because it's not it's usually it's like you know someone so lost his job and you're like that about that sucks for so when I got fired from Travel Channel I remember feeling like a loser going to drop off Georgia and going like I've got got fired everyone knows I got fired right mmm God drop off the girls and you're like it's me that is not doing what didn't they not fire you I thought that like you didn't want to oh no I told her I what I wanted to do and she said yeah that's not what looking for you're no longer working for the company I was like yeah but but i but I definitely she definitely called me and said we are no longer what I would tell you the street I was on when I got the call and I can tell you how I pandered and was like okay I'm still gonna pitch them [ __ ] I'm [ __ ] the worst dude getting fired sucks more than anything than anything it is the worst [ __ ] feeling in the world I got fired once I was working for a shopping cart manufacturer in uh in college and I was working for the marketing division for a [ __ ] person okay oh oh I'm not gonna give ownership I know that you guys are [ __ ] a hot-button topic with you but oh hold on Oh last night last night we watched a show last night we watched it oh oh my god last night we watched you show a funny dancing is a comics it's comics dancing do you know where this is going we watched his show funny dancing it's for comics yamaneika Sanders and Jeremiah walkins and then some people I didn't really know by Justin Martin Dale's a judge I don't know the other people but I knew Justin Martin Dale I knew the other two people where is it was the show on it's on E and it's called like funny dancing and it's comics learning dance routines and then dancing against each other I wonder where they got the idea so um so at the end of it they go we just want to thank everyone you know this is one of our projects our main projects is teaching people with Down syndrome to dance and I just hear one of the people in my family go that's a show I want to watch and I was like that would be [ __ ] but yeah keep going keep going I'm [ __ ] well it was some [ __ ] small-town [ __ ] in this idiot [ __ ] like the marketing person who had she had zero ideas zero instruction zero initiative like like I would be like hey so alright I'm in college I show up wearing like a tie and and she's like um we're gonna I'm gonna mail out these mailers and I was like is that it like you're the marketing person at this company and like I would show up and just be completely underwhelmed by like how did in the world did they hire you you bring I mean this is like over a course of you know months where I'm like yeah you literally have brought zero ideas and I'm like the in like I'm am working part-time not an intern I'm you know I forget the the title but I'm like I'm working underneath this person who says nothing every day you just show up and she's like did you uh could you make sure that these stamps get put on this and like yeah like what are you doing for marketing though like you have any marketing ideas should a marketing degree and they just were like run the marketing division for our company after a few months I show up one day and they're like can you come into this office and I was like yeah sure and I sit there oh my god and the guys like asking me a few questions and I was like answering his questions and he's like I think we're gonna they were gonna let you go and I was like for what why he's like I think you know we were expecting just more to be done I was like excuse me he's like yeah you know we just you know we had like higher expectations I was like you realize that you hired me told me to work underneath this person who for three months hasn't hasn't suggested one like she runs the division I'm supposed to work for her yeah has zero ideas has told me to mail things like what did you expect me to do and they're like I don't know we just you know we hired you what kind of thought it would be different I was like alright like didn't really tell me anything other than we thought it would be different I'm like okay man and then I'm like so I guess I'm free to go and they're like oh could you leave at the end of the day I was like what and they're like yeah leave at the end of it and then I did something kind of out of spite what I went to the the mailing room and I Mis labeled all the things that were going to be shipped out so like if this was supposed to go to Arkansas I put Nebraska on it if it was supposed to go to Ohio Hampshire and I miss package to all of them like hundreds smart yep but it was but also the it was so deflating even though I felt like it was no justification for it to feel it fired it was it was like yeah it really kicks you in the balls man I got when I got fired from Barnes and Noble I came back to my apartment everyone knows I got fired in the basement for working out in my underwear well technically I think I was really naked but but I'll say underwear just to be safe and um when Dwayne fired me he pulled me in and he was like he's like he was spent a lot of time in the basement I was like yeah yeah and by the way cuz you didn't tell them that you didn't think there was a camera in there I didn't know there was a camera and so if you took the freight elevator you had the freight elevator so no one could come in on you so if you went to the freight out of the basement you had the whole basement to yourself like so you could just sit there no one could find you no one could come get you no one could call for you if you just hang out there and then go up and when you went up be like oh I've been in the basement they're like we were looking for hours like I just went down and so now in all fairness what city are you in New York City Astor Place the Astor Place Barnes Noble there was no air-conditioning in that Barton Barnes Noble none and it was the dead of the summer and I didn't have an air-conditioning unit in my apartment so at night I would put shirts in the freezer freeze them soaking wet and put them on in the middle of the night and go back to sleep that's how [ __ ] hot it was it was the hottest I've ever been in my life that I remember ever so my sister comes up my sister comes up four to visit and I go into work and a week before Dewayne had had me come in early on a Saturday for a manager and training meeting and then at the end was like so you think you wanna be a manager and I was like no and he was like what and I was like who the [ __ ] wants to be a manager to Barnes and Noble and he was like I'm a man I know it's like I mean I'm that's good for you but like that's not what I want to do and I said I remember saying to him I'm a comedian and he went no you're not you work at Barnes & Noble and I was like oh so I I get five I come to the office Dwayne's like he spent a lot of time in the basement I said yeah and he goes you know we have cameras down there and I was like I did not know that he's like you're fired and then I just went I quit anyone oh and then I was like I quit anyway I don't [ __ ] want this job and then he was like great yeah so I walk out I walk out I go straight back to my sister it's like it's like 10:00 in the morning it's like right when I showed up it was like and I used to show up late I remember at one point he goes hey what time do you think work starts I like tennis and he goes no no no 10:00 is it 10:00 I mean it starts at 10:00 and I went oh okay and he's like not allowed a little after it's 10:00 and I was like oh yeah so um so I I went back to my house my sister was just waking up and I was like I remember walking in go I got fired she's like why would they fire you and I was like I don't know I was working how I didn't develop it and she was like she was like well let's get high and drink get drunk and I was like [ __ ] great and we got [ __ ] what was your next job after that the door at the Boston comedy club where I went straight from that to there my birthday happened that was the summer I was probably unemployed for I would March April May June July August no no I didn't get fired in I got fired in like August September uh-huh and I was unemployed I worked it like I fold his sweaters for a little bit but it wasn't like a job was just like extra cash I do PA stuff like I'd be like a PA on a film yeah and but it wasn't like it wasn't steady work it was just whenever we showed up and then and then I got a job working the door the Boston comedy club that [ __ ] that on November 4 mm when I was 26 years old 21 years ago [ __ ] I I also had a job out here in a pizza place on Riverside Drive loved just murdering pizzas no I just uh I was still like skinny it goes a little after I got here Oh for real yeah yeah I wasn't that I wasn't that bad but I remember that you know you were you show up and it was a place where like you you order at the counter and then you you know you pick you kind of walk down the kinda do you want like a salad do you want a pizza yeah at the end of the counter there's the register so so first I remember I'm working there and I [ __ ] I hate it I'm just trying to you know get some money and the one of the first people like I serve they go so you just you just served all this pizza and then you handled cash and then you just went back and served more pizza and I was like yeah and they go I mean it's unsanitary I go I do but I just work here that I don't I don't I don't and then the owner the owner was like he goes oh hey I heard you to the phone could you uh could you answer the phone and say I forget the name of the place but could you say like hi thanks for calling Riverside pizza would you like to try this blah blah blah and I was like no and he goes no he goes that's how I have he led to the phone I go do that's gay as [ __ ] and he goes he goes interesting choice of words I'm gay and I go well and I go okay so I answer it like once like that and I was like I can't say that so as soon as he walks away he's like yeah sorry answering the phone what do you want and so I'm working there for a while and he and then one day I mean I was so miserable I'm supposed to be in it like 10 or something yeah like 9:30 I was like there's no way I'm going in there so I just call and I go I'm stuck on this I got diverted I was visiting him he's like what and I just I won't be back for a few days and he's like okay and then yeah I was like I take some vacation time boss yeah you don't get big things done it was so bad and then like a week later I was like no I definitely need money so I called him I was like hey yeah so can I come in he's like what are you talking about he goes you don't work here I was like that's because of the flight and he's like no you can't just quit for a week and then come back I go why not he's like because we can't rely on you oh I was like all right man guys it comes with no surprise that while we're all stuck at home for a while we're gonna get fat but you don't have to get fat avoid the complacency it's so important right now more than ever to stay active and keep your body healthy and moving working out even taking classes in the comfort of your own house is now possible with Beachbody on demand Beachbody on demand is the easy-to-use streaming service that gives you instant access to over 1,300 super effective workouts suited for anybody at any time the secret to getting results is getting started right now I am responsible for eyelas PE classes I am the coach Kreischer ila has to complete her PE classes for studying at home and I have set us up for Beachbody just calisthenics they have literally 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you pass this up you are at home you should be working out and staying healthy I know I am doing that I'm slacking in weight training and so I'm gonna apply free weights through this as soon as I get home I'm doing that and I'm doing it with ila right now our listeners can get a special free trial membership when you text bear to 30 30 30 that's bear B e AR to 30 30 30 you will get full access to the entire platform for free all workouts the nutritional information and support totally free again text bear to 30 30 30 this episode of two layers one cave is brought to you by Squarespace I don't care what you do you have to have a website are you a painter are you do you make jewelry are you a massage therapist or do you make music do you sell feet pics you have to have a website it doesn't matter the people at Squarespace have this incredible beautiful templates created by world-class designers powerful ecommerce functionality lets you sell anything online you can customize the look feel settings products everything's optimized for mobile right out of the box built in search engine optimization free and secure hosting nothing to patch or upgrade ever you just have to have a site there's there's no way you can function in today's world in any business and say like I'll but I you know I don't have a website check out no you have to build the website get it done go to Squarespace comm for a free trial and when you're ready to launch use the offer code bears be EA RS to save 10% off your first purchase of a website or domain that's squarespace.com enter the code bears B EA RS thank you Squarespace so I worked at this sweater place Michael Simon I think was the name type of type of Michael Simon sweaters they were this will happen in it next I guarantee we get the guy from Food Network oh yeah this is Michael Symon sweaters so I worked at this place this guy Michael Symon had a partner I forget her name I wish I knew the name she was beautiful and and my roommate roommate worked there as there like one of the sales directors or whatever she got me a job folding sweaters so my first day I get in and they're like hey we're gonna have to pivot on the sweater folding we've got to send out these mailers and I go okay cool and they're like so if you can and it was like a stack like this shove these in these envelopes put a stamp they're already addressed put a stamp on them and let's get him out I know it's like okay so I do a thousand [ __ ] envelopes right I go to bed my mouth is blistered sore from licking envelopes looking stuff oh I got drinking that night I wake up and I have sores all over my [ __ ] mouth like all over my mouth so I call in they call it on my hand come inside and they're like why not I was like oh my mouth's on fire and I can't anymore and Shawna was a girl's name she's like what's her name wants you to come in anyway you can fold sweaters I was like okay so I come in mmm and they're Lucy looking at me like this like me like this and they're like what's her name would like to talk to you and in her office the boss I forget her name I don't know if you can find it there she was beautiful so I go into her office and she is looking at me almost like she saw a ghost she goes how many envelopes did you do yesterday I said awesome she goes you licked 2,000 [ __ ] envelopes and I said and stamps she goes why didn't you just use that little piece of sponge next year I said I was using it to wet my mouth you were taking this bunch and wetting your mouth a bit and then licking it that way uh-huh she goes oh my god I don't know what to do with you like I okay don't do any more stamps I guess like I was like she's like you're just supposed to touch this stamp to the thing and I went really she's like get and then dab the envelope on it and then close it no went I didn't know that and so then I went into full stamps I wrote my for one of my first joke fold stamps are full that's both sweaters folding sweater is like getting a drunk into a cab you get it folding I'm horrible at folding yeah I don't fold the way the in folds and Leanne well if one person does the majority of folding it dictates folding for the entire family so the Ann fold shirts in three folds so it's so if this is a shirt right this is the front of the shirt Leanne takes it folds the sleeves back and then goes once then twice this is look good it looks good but they're like really tight but I do it I just did it once so it's a bigger fold but it was one so it was easier so now when you're doing it you got now I just fold the ends way I can't fold and I can't fold I'm not folding my daughter's [ __ ] panties that's not gonna happen yeah if I could pull them out you're like whoa who are wearing these and Leanne's like they're George's [ __ ] yeah oh cool hey you want to help me fold these my supposed to fold them like a fitted sheet yeah I don't fold panties I don't I don't fold any clothes now because it's all girls it's all the girls clothes so they just fold their own and then I love doing I still love doing laundry I used to love it wasn't like a laundry guy every day but I was a guy that like all right time to do laundry yeah and then I remember one time I was in New York do you still do laundry I've and I you know what's so funny is I don't fit they make the girls when they design the laundry room made it so they could fit and they could do laundry like they're just like it just need to be this big so their butts fit in there and they get when I do it I'm just bigger than everyone so I have to do it sideways I can't do it the same way they do it so it's a pain in the [ __ ] ass for me to do laundry hmm but I haven't done anomalies on the road Rhonda's laundry want her boss so he does all laundry like at the end of every week he does everyone's laundry really yeah and then Leon does laundry at home I don't ever do laundry I used to love it I so love going to New York on like a Tuesday and being like alright I'm doing laundry today would it be in your building no you have to go down around the street on Washington just off Washington Square there was a great laundromat and you just go and you'd [ __ ] write jokes I remember one of the jokes I wrote any of these aren't good jokes but this is like early comedy stuff cuz I did all my laundry and I didn't feel like folding it so I just put it all on and walked it home and giggles so hard I walked all my laundry home and I'm sweating through all of it and I'm like you put on like 25 like [ __ ] 20 shirts and put on jeans and shorts and pants and just put it all on his just walking home I thought it was so funny and this funny idea then and then I got home and I was sweating my ass off okay oh yeah man getting on a conversation with a [ __ ] hot chick at a laundromat nice dude we I missed there's nothing like being single and out there in New York City I got a I got a in a spring day I mean every time I had I was on a streak for a minute when I was single going to New York I was like that when when one goes to New York one has sex that's because almost like it's almost like it was like five trips in a row and I was like wow this is like unlike anywhere else for me and I would meet people on the [ __ ] Street I would meet I mean literally just like oh hey like if someone passing by start flirting talking and then be like let's go out it's crazy how willing like how like open I wonder if this with this coronavirus gonna change New York City in the way well many of them will be dead you think yeah for real I mean this is a really bit like by the time this comes out it's a few days from when we're recording it but goddamn it is it is New York they're saying 86% of New York it's it looks it looks really scary in New York City right now god damn it and you know the ones that are gonna get a fall that rich people [ __ ] left course so they're the ones who obviously need to quarantine like the the most is people leaving the city so that they don't continue spread all right that's the thing that's I mean look I don't have if you leave the city I get it I probably left the city too I would have left I probably would've done the same thing but the problem is you're going to a small town in upstate New York that's got one ventilator and you possibly are the one that's infected bringing it to your town yeah so it bring it to this new town and spreading it so that's the part of the problem is you should you just hunker down in your [ __ ] Central Park mansion yeah and just been like I can get through this I don't know is it this whole thing [ __ ] sucks I hate even talking about it like I don't like and I don't know anything about it like I don't know I'm not I don't know anything more than anyone else is watching CNN so like it's like I feel stupid but then I can't help but share the one little thing I learned yeah so I don't know I I think I will go back to [ __ ] a stranger is pretty [ __ ] amazing yeah like so what I don't know anything about but the fact that you guys are connecting on a weird [ __ ] like like non I've only done it I've only had sex with a complete like stranger once well II twice yeah yeah yeah that's me most of the sex I've had real yeah Oh what's it like like walk me through it like give me it tell me a story tell me a huntin story well this one's interesting this is the Spree st. paddocks st. Patrick say mm so 20 years ago last week right I was I was there with friends I ran the radio Patrick day huh and in in New York in New York oh so Corley's is the best place to do is your this is a ridiculous thing that happened I'm running the radio station I manage it at school in Kop okay okay so I manage the radio station and I do a show my friends do a show other people and we get we get word that there's this a huge radio music conference happening in New York City and one of the like the communication department chair was like you know you have this this budget for the radio station for this year and I was like no I was and I'm thinking like oh so like I could upgrade like mics or something and he's like well it's you know it's like twenty thousand dollars and I was like what and he goes yeah so like you you you're supposed to spend it before the the years he's telling me this in like you know I guess February or something and I'm like oh he goes in and you know it's up in June so like you should you should spend it before then I was like [ __ ] I was like so we're actions so I go well okay and I'm taking it actually seriously he goes he tells me about this conference and I go all right so I go can I bring people to it he's like yeah how about you bring so I go all right I'm gonna bring these uh three other guys they're all like my good friends and and I tell them I'm like all right look we have to go like we can go to New York your flights are covered your hotel is covered and you'll have some spending money but like we have to go to all these things and we have like an itinerary this is we fly up there we go to the first orientation thing like the settlement and there's I mean there's thousands of people yeah and there's different conference rooms it's all over the city like the Javits Center and stuff like stuff I don't know different hotel there's a banquet on there like Arthur I go all right we're gonna go to I'm gonna go to this one another guys like I'm gonna go to this one over here all right I'll meet you in a little bit so I take one of the guys and we go to this first like thing supposed to start at 9:00 a.m. at 9:20 it still hasn't started and I look at him I go let's just get the [ __ ] out of here so we leave and we don't go to any other things except for on the last day Chuck D is giving a speech and I go I want to go to that of course so in between we just drink st. patrick's day is smoking cigarettes back then so i get cigarettes weed and on i think on it was actually st. patrick's day we have going to a couple bars and there's like there's four of us so two of us will split up so two of us end up in this bar and we're drinking and these two it's like it's like a movie these two like hot chicks just come over and they're like you guys are cute and we're like oh thanks sit on our laps just start talking drinking and I'm like I'm looking at him like this is crazy and I were just flirting having fun and then they they're like do you want to come back to our place and we're like what yeah by the way I'm at the top of the stairs you know a lot of bars there have the bathroom down the stairs yeah it's st. Patrick's Day people are spilling drinks everywhere I slip at the top of the stairs all the way down all the way down the stairs right like 25 stairs and when I stand I get to the bottom I pop up and the sting is so hard I just I just don't move I just process the pain I'm like [ __ ] and I I'm just like holding on to the wall and a guy just walks up to me he goes that looks like it hurt so we go back I go back upstairs they're like you want to come back to our place and I'm like yeah sure and they look like do you guys live together again this is like a [ __ ] porn yeah so we get back to their place they live in like a [ __ ] 4-bedroom massive apartment in Midtown I'm like who are these J they're [ __ ] like 22 and so anyways we split up we like cuz like I go with the girl I'm with he goes with the girls he's with and I'm like alright so we get back to I'm back in her room and she just immediately gets naked what color hair she had black hair Oh black hair yeah and she could say yeah good tooth yep oh we start you know whatever we do it it was very I don't know it was kind of an event it wasn't great well it wasn't great and this is the best part we're done and it's I think I forget whatever is on TV or something and then I start talking about it she goes you don't have to keep talking and I was like okay and she was like you can just go to bed and I was like alright then like it was like a role reversal you know we're like a guys like hey sweetie just yeah yeah so she was like I just brought you back here for this like I don't want to hear your story I don't know that's like holy [ __ ] alright so yeah the next day I wake up and I go into like their living room and then I see my friend he's like hey how'd you do he's like she just kept blowing me but she wouldn't [ __ ] like I know we mean kept he's like we took breaks but she would go back to doing yeah and that was it man but then the next time I went there I hooked up with somebody else the time after that I went there I hooked up with somebody like it was just over and over and it was all strangers time it was a friend of my sister my sister's friend and she's like I'm in that story yeah and then I [ __ ] my other sisters friend oh wait oh that the story yeah cuz each each of them were like you [ __ ] my best friend and I was like how it goes and then one of them was like you would be so mad if I [ __ ] one of your friends I was like go for it [Laughter] one time I altered I tell you that one of my sisters brought a friend home when I was in college and we were how many sisters you have up to one older one younger so I've only met the younger yes that's right so we're hanging I'm hanging out the house everyone goes to bed I'm hanging out with her friend and we start making out and then I started I go I go come into this room right and she was like she was no she was I don't want to upset your sister and I was like what are you talking about she's like and I go come on and she was and she goes she goes no because I don't want her and it just so happened to be like just the type of night where I was like like all right like fine fine right and I just go to bed I mean I could it I feel like I could have been just persistent yeah and she'd be like oh okay but I just go fine I go to bed next day she leaves and then dude like six months later my sister's like Oh guess what remember that girl I brought home oh yeah she goes she hooked up with somebody at school and got pregnant and she's she's I was like I kept thinking I was like man that's supposed to be my baby but I was like I kept thinking like that if I would hooked up with her and that happened that would have ruined my life you know oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah yeah like right now I think I think I think I would have a 20 year old yeah I would have had I would have a I thought when I was 18 I thought I got someone pregnant did definitely like she was late like by a month and a half and then [ __ ] throw her down and I was like I push it on a hill well now that would have ruined my life hardcore hardcore but but I look back and I go oh maybe oh maybe not maybe I wouldn't be a comedian I had one who I'm like how did this how did she just not tell me that she did it because I've had that I thought where you go I think she had an abortion he just didn't tell this disc girl I hooked up with her I she tells me she's like like like moments before she just goes come inside me and I was like and then like the next week she goes oh I didn't have my period I'm like and then and then it was like how about every day I'm checking did you get it today yeah it's amazing I thought about it more than they did oh my god like and she was like nope this was six weeks of that where I was like oh she's definitely having it I was like imagining I call me Chanukah day you get it and be like hey heads up you're good dude and I was like every day I was like I mean why don't you reach up in there see if you can make something happen you know so I mean it was like dude I was in a panic I was vomiting from anxiety oh I was there imagining that my whole I was like I'm gonna go work in a [ __ ] warehouse and I mean I was just like dropping out of college yeah fun I guess I gotta get rid of my dog everything everything and then one day dude this was like I'm selling like six seven weeks later she's like I had my period I dropped to the ground it's one of the I can remember dropping I dropped to my knees on the ground I did I was like oh my god I'm like this is it scared me to such a degree I was 20 I thought it would just be completely life over I think one girl liked watching me squirm about it like it left your favorite control over me cuz she would always be like oh you know I haven't got my period yet I mean like okay so I'm just letting you know yeah and I'll be like oh great [ __ ] that girl was I'm glad I got her right amount of life you date her for a while Oh kill you check on your exes she was the one she was one I told her story about I've told her story about her almost their name but uh I told her I wanted to do stand-up in the morning before the floor State Miami game yeah I was laying in bed I'd gone into Europe and I hung out with the state david wayne from the state and i had been very funny in europe and i've already robbed a train and i just thought this is my path like I'm a funny guy I think I want to do stand-up laying in bed get ready for the Miami game knowing I'm gonna be partying and I said rolled over I said I want to be a stand-up comedian and she went oh honey don't ever tell anyone that I know what what she goes you're not you're not funny you're stupid funny like your dumb funny comedians are smart funny and that's not you you're like dumb frat boy funny like anyone could be funny like you comedians are like really intelligent you can't be a commute don't don't ever tell anyone that and I was like note to self I'll never tell anyone that and then I laid in bed and I didn't tell anyone and then I I've just told this recently to someone but she seems like a really nice chick she was uh she was a she was a piece of work and then this is your girlfriend for a long time yeah and then and then and then I dated a girl that everything was possible I like I don't mean to slander this girl but she she wasn't the most attached to reality like which the one who the fought the next one or the next the next one was like you can do anything it's so like the Rolling Stone article came out about me and she was like you could be a stand-up you're funnier than any of those guys and I was like that's what I was thinking yes move to New York and I was like I'm gonna do it and then and then I mean she cheered on me - but - Oh everyone cheated on me like I I think I drove people to cheat on me I think just by talking so much by changing stories like you're always touching your nose you're always telling other stories I think I think I smell your fingers it's like I would have cheated on me I would have cheated on me I was a really bad boyfriend in college how so it's I was very self-centered I was very self-focused I've always been very self-focused very self-centered very self-centered in that like I don't really I kind of have blinders on about the world like that hasn't changed much I have a buddy I have a like the fact that I said how many sisters you have and I've known you for 18 oh I bet if we did a trivia thing like how well do you know Tom so many like you know personality wise you know me very well but like all the details you'd be like I don't know how many kids yeah I think four I don't know I have a I have a buddy that I've moved technically kind of moved to LA with he moved out when I moved out we were like best friends and in college like like with really close in college moved out to LA together lived in LA for a while together at one night we're on the beach and he says something about his brother and I go you were brother because that's exactly who you are yeah what he goes dude you guys I know everything about you and you just found out I have a brother you'd definitely definitely know that I have two sisters I mean no you have I know you have one no man you've talked about it I know but I know but I I always just write it off to one and then you have a younger brother no I'm kidding no B AB one imesh came to my house I remember that one yes and then and then that still brought it up yesterday cuz she watched her special and she was like oh my god she loved it shovin Johnny Derek Johnny there was like dude I don't know thanks for getting us to go I didn't bother I did definitely didn't do the hook-up much I know I don't even know but he watched your special and he's like holy [ __ ] that guy's funny oh cool cool yeah shut up - Johnny Derek well Jane my sister was like that's why I met she sells real estate in South Carolina and that's right and she she was uh she's younger she's younger than me and she goes oh yeah you brought me to your to Bert's house she goes that's like when you liked me and I was like what she was like you know you were nice to me you liked me you brought me to your friend she goes that was a great time she goes I love her I love his family she speak Spanish - she speaks some she understands a lot she didn't spend as much time abroad as I did what's your older sister do she works in like alumni relations for the high school we went to oh really she still lives on West Palm yeah Mary's married with two kids you have nephews I have a nephew Denise how old my nephews 8 my niece is four should be five in June and your sister's the oldest my oldest yeah yeah you're the middle child in middle yeah I never I never knew you're the middle child yeah you're the oldest I'm the oldest yeah goes you Annie kotti yeah yeah and it goes Seraphina you and Jane perfect yeah no I think about anyone I don't lose it at all the other night I think Joe said he had a sister mmm on the podcast and I was like yeah I was like I know these things like Ari's got a brother yeah I didn't know that he's got a younger sister that I don't know I don't know anything about I don't listen I don't maybe I'm not a good friend because I don't really listen to people like I don't like like I don't really I don't know I guess I pay I'm I'm in the moment so like I'm here in the now I'm not it'd be interesting to watch you act because like acting is all like I don't know though because I it is the thing as you're supposed to like really listen you know like listen and react the first thing I ever acted in I can eat ice again first thing I per acted in was a play this is a do this is absolutely hilarious our friend Lex writes a play about four guys who moved to Cape Canaveral to should throw shuttle launch parties right three guys out of college decide I'm gonna go to Cape Canaveral we're gonna have shuttle launch parties we're gonna be the [ __ ] king of the castle everyone's gonna come to our shuttle launch parties everyone and then this is when they stop doing shuttle launches right so they lived there for four years never ever shot launch this is the play you went to a shuttle launch party no I've never been doing so much party I was in fifth grade when they launched shuttles so this is the play and then on the day they launch the shuttle they go to have a shuttle launch party in the shuttle explodes the play opens the evening the Shuttle exploded the Shuttle exploded the evening is Shuttle exploded to playlet opens and it gets destroyed by whatever small critics like bad taste how dare you like just this is horrible so I don't know where this story's going I saw a shuttle launch what were we saying what are we talking about before this Oh so Leanne comes Leanne comes Leanne comes to the play and I go I get out I get in the car and I go so what did you think she goes you don't listen come on excuse me excuse you don't listen no I said what do you think about my acting she goes I'm telling you you don't listen to anybody you just talk and I go yeah yeah that's acting she goes no acting is listening to people I go I'm listening to no one it's my turn to talk actually you need to listen to people and I go well you don't know the [ __ ] you're talking about and I drop her off I get drunk I'm like whatever so then good so then I go to the play the next night and I realize I don't really know I just know when it's my turn to talk and I don't even really know what I'm saying so I'm just like that's interesting maybe I'll listen so then the next night Lea comes to play and I'm listening to people going like like yeah with the audience LeAnn goes hey listen half as much you're actually distracting yeah because you're on the side you shut up and then and then a reviewer came the third night and they slammed the play and they're like the only glimmer of hope is Bert right there you go and I was like I guess I looked at losing oh yeah I'm really bad at listening horrible listening I'm horrible listening and then and and and I'm horrible at knowing like I've been spending way too much time with the girls the other day I started telling them a story and halfway through George's like I think this is a story meant for your friends not your daughters and I was like huh she's like I don't know this is like something we should be sharing I was like it's a good story it's a really great story it's a great [ __ ] story what was it about so great this for my buddy ed he [ __ ] his chick and and and he takes her home right and he goes back for place and there's no pictures of her beautiful house no pictures of her no pictures of her and he goes I go yeah right automatically you're engaged as a storyteller you're like there's no pictures of her none not one picture and then we start going are we selfish because we have cuz Oh Jay only had pictures of himself up in his house yeah there were none of his kids and I'm like and then we start looking at our own houses not guilty I just wanted to throw that keep going and more like does that mean like like and Eddie's Cuban so Eddie's the Cuban families used to have like one wall was just [ __ ] 4,000 pics yeah and he's like no it should there should be pictures you should have pictures of your childhood of yourself but your family not one picture of herself and so we start really going like maybe we're narcissists because we don't have pictures of ourselves so he invites me over the place [ __ ] a great place I know I'm by the way does the other thing that confused us I think she had money because she lived on Wilshire in those high-rises who the [ __ ] lives in those arises on loser who buys like an apartment in like it's just so weird yeah so we're at her place and you [ __ ] - no no no she's beautiful beautiful and I'm I'm going through her pictures and then I'm now I'm [ __ ] buzz I go her friends there and I go hey how come you know how many pictures yourself a beer and now Eddie's like yeah what's up with that skews I'm all over the place and when I put it's like these are all pictures of me we're like huh like which ones you and she's like right there and I'm like the fat chick and she goes well yeah I before I had you know weight lap-band surgery that's what I looked like more like haha and then Eddie goes your surgeries he's like yeah and I obviously had all the skin removed and that he's like skin removed and she's like yeah and I was like oh and this one George is like I don't know if this is a story for us like is this a good story but like I don't think we should be hearing it and now that she's like such an innocent yeah and and but then and and then I was like whoa and so then Eddie and I were like blown away that like and then he was like and then and then it right around there there was a movie called the the Dove or like remember when they used to take ugly people and get them to look pretty remember that show they take the luxury makeover yeah was that it extreme I take the ugliest people and then make them gorgeous I was a Swan the Swan did not the Dove the Swan and Eddie was like [ __ ] cuz we used to have a joke a running joke that you're getting these ugly people and then they look beautiful but when they have kids you're gonna hug Lee [ __ ] kids with them because they are initially ugly people this is a really sweet story yes and by the way Georgia is now going dad enough yeah yeah wrap it up again she was she had lap band surgery that the pointy ER stories she's actually at heart she's ugly we get it and by the way shake that you can't say fat check I was like I'm just I'm cutting the corner so you know the [ __ ] story yeah there's a guy but I think these are toys you tell Tom or someone that maybe you don't tell your daughters and I'm like okay I only have you guys to talk to I get to talk to arm once a week all right we got it we got to go please go to Netflix watch ball hog watch hey big boy watch the back tell your friends that's the most important part yeah spread the word please send a text your buddies please post about it if you can on social media thanks for watching don't forget to wash your hands shirt it'll all go to that family the big [ __ ] guy and I apologize if I seemed 100 percent insensitive today I think I was on I was on a tear it's all good it's all good we love you guys love you buddy see you guys my right Bert Tom Tom goes tops while the other wears the shirt Tom tell stories and Bert's my machine there's not a chance in hell that they okay between ears what we call no scripts a beta boos amateur for Tala gee dirty jokes raunchy humor no apologies here's what we call [Music]

Channel: YourMomsHousePodcast

Views: 1,234,185

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast

Id: SV7XEjLOAD4

Length: 95min 19sec (5719 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 30 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/rcollie2587]

Fat.

[u/Bricely]

Bert isnt just a racist piece of shit, he's fat.

[u/ShakeZulla]

The fattest and most racist comedian working today.

[u/3internet5u]

these comments lol

I expected the fat/racist jokes to be here, but like yall have no joy in your life at all. Just rolling through new videos and hating hard on them lol

[u/chemicalviper]

Further proof Bert can't let someone finish a story without interrupting and taking over.

[u/unbalancedforce]

Why are they trying to use gay lingo? It is a weird slight to the community while trying to be tongue and chic.

[u/menoparra]

Burt Kristals is so fat he broke the chair he was sitting on.