DeMarcus Cousins Presents Boogie's Comedy Slam (2020) | Comedy Special | Full Movie

this is ridiculous you ain't supposed to be whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa oh whoa whoa what the hell what's going on look he's coming this is my show you're not getting in there and i ain't getting in there until your name is on let me see if your name on the list what's your name i'm demarcus cause you're the democracy not the fact i'm on the list well wait you demarcus cousins yes dude jimmy ray judge mark's just cousin out here when jim already verified this you get in brother let me tell you a big boy you're the first person to know it's going to rain it's going to be on you first brother okay let me know what you want me to precipitation wait a minute can i see the list i'm sorry my name is right it's right here you ain't on the list come on no i need this list that's why i'm talking about you god damn it we gotta call green [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] what's up my name is [Applause] with the thugs [Applause] yeah man thank y'all for coming out to the third annual boogie cousins comedy slam it's going down i'm your host tonight yeah we're in the oak town up in here tonight ain't no pimps in the audience they got jobs now [Applause] that's a sad thing to see a pimp with a prime going to work man yeah i got to go up here they got me on the third shift now yeah man all his hoes died the world is crazy right now man jesse small at chicago is suing jesse smallett yeah jesse man he pulled a fast one on us that was a threesome that went wrong right there that's [ __ ] up donald trump man he ain't right man he cut the food stamps off that was wrong man when he cut them food stamps off i didn't see nobody posting no plates that week my brother used to be on there i got that mashed potato with the rice with the gravy [Music] they was posting guide quotes all day week this too shall pass i seen one [ __ ] just post a plate yeah oh r kelly that's a [ __ ] up situation everybody need help the mama need the parents r kelly the key everybody need [ __ ] help that's how that situation go i know when r kelly went to jail that [ __ ] that was in there singing all the [ __ ] autumn singing contest was mad and the [ __ ] when he walked in there [Applause] this [ __ ] been winning all these christmas contests and [ __ ] and all right kelly come up in that [ __ ] we're gonna have a good time tonight man we got some real stars in the [ __ ] house we in oakland california you know what i'm saying the city of the yacht after me you know you meeting dude from oakland i don't give a [ __ ] where you at you can be in heaven man if you can be always in heaven say man how you doing my brother you guys i know where you from man [ __ ] [Applause] we got the [ __ ] golden state warriors in the house tonight go to state yeah we got real ledges in the house my man steph curry in the house y'all give it up for steph curry steph looking like a 10 year old out there and [ __ ] if he's just playing this [ __ ] just throw the ball up i said this [ __ ] ain't even playing man [ __ ] thing all in his mouth and [ __ ] [Applause] i said he don't give a [ __ ] one more time for my man boogie cousins for putting this down my man boogie my man boogie that's the last of the big man in the nba right there yeah man he just walked through there like this man after he dunked he got to do all kind of other [ __ ] he'd be ah [Applause] [ __ ] my man trayvon green in the house [Applause] that motherfucker's crazy right there that [ __ ] green he get it in yeah you need a [ __ ] on the team like that he jump up in everybody's face i'll be watching him sick him on [ __ ] he'd be sitting on the bench and somebody hit his leg and the coaches just look at him and go like that i said yeah they didn't put that crazy [ __ ] in the game [Laughter] yeah yeah i tried to play basketball but i'm the type of [ __ ] that don't play [ __ ] defense until i hit a shot as soon as i hit get back get your man get your man get back get the [ __ ] out of here man it's the first shot you need all day [Applause] i played on the basketball team but i wasn't that good i thought i could play into the game you know how them dudes they can play ball until they get in the game that was me right there yeah man and you know after the game he got all the players lined up the coach be mad everybody be standing in the line he was just walking down cussing everybody out you need to play hard he got right to me and said you are not reggie miller i tried to work a regular job but i'm the type of [ __ ] to call in on friday and still come get my check you ever did that he was like [ __ ] that man i was i was sick this morning i'm going up here and get that check y'all ready for the first man coming to the stage straight up out of mississippi you've seen this man on wildin out comic view all of that give it up put your hands together for carlos miller [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] i didn't tell him to play that but i'm glad he played that what's going on hopefully y'all gotta show some love boy my [ __ ] matt barnes is in here nba leisure that's my favorite player only [ __ ] in nba history draft 200 miles walk to coach ass retire put his baby mama on child support that is a [ __ ] legend i don't give a [ __ ] what nobody say [Applause] draymond green he in here he's selling invisalign how you gonna sell invisalign your [ __ ] ain't straight yet [Applause] oh [ __ ] well i've been having a ball in oakland i love this goddamn city y'all got the funniest homeless people i ever seen i gave a [ __ ] three dollars he acted like those were the three he needed to not be homeless no more as soon as i gave him the money you didn't put me back in the [ __ ] game [Applause] [ __ ] tried to whistle at me didn't he whistle just made the noise nephew where it come here where are you let me highlight right [Applause] quick y'all got homeless prostitutes i'm sitting at the red like one lady just ran up to the car and pulled her titties out i locked my door i was like this is awful titties look like sweet potatoes who did this the [ __ ] is going on in oakland [Applause] you can't even make jokes about [ __ ] no more bro especially about the lmnop community that shuts your whole [ __ ] down you know the lmnop community gets your show shut down i don't even believe in that homophobic [ __ ] leave folks to [ __ ] alone half the time you don't even know these people are in the lmnop community cause you i don't know that [ __ ] i get into it with the dude at the airport this morning i'm at the subway trying to get my little subway sandwich i didn't know he was in the community until he looked down in my sandwich and said um you want the extra meat hell no i don't even want your sandwich now let me get two of them cookies and get the [ __ ] on out of here [ __ ] is changing now here man the city girls done took over all the ratchets right there bro these women now have chains they trying to [ __ ] the [ __ ] at you and turn you into the [ __ ] and they know exactly when they do it that's the night you fall asleep on top of the couple with the sloth dick you can't even hide it she on facetime what a home girl yelp [ __ ] another one dead look at that [ __ ] killer sleep sleep you on top of the cover with the song dick can't even hide it it's time she know the real me [ __ ] too freaky i had the wolverina [ __ ] the other day yeah she gonna grab my ass and squeeze it real hard with both hands i'm like [ __ ] don't you ever disrespect me like that again i don't know who you've been dealing with that let you squeeze on their ass but i am somebody's father don't [ __ ] do me like that i'm not with the new [ __ ] that's not even the most disrespectful [ __ ] she did she gonna reach under my legs and over my thighs and scoop me down don't [ __ ] scoop me down don't [ __ ] scoop me down if you need me to scoot down you ask me to scoot down but don't [ __ ] scoop me down i'm a grown-ass man i'm somebody's father don't [ __ ] scoot me down look how the little dudes got quiet cause they been scooted down before all the big [ __ ] like i wish you [ __ ] would scoop me down leo in the forehead for trying to scoop me down can't mess with older women either they freaky as hell but they nasty in a whole nother kind of way i'm messing with the little cougar lady yeah miss barbara she giving me some head she gonna clear her throat on my dick don't do that no don't do that take the dick out before you do all that now i need a flu shot [Applause] my older ladies talk all this [ __ ] they can't take that pressure they good for about eight minutes then they start complaining young man put my leg down putting my leg down i had a surgery on that knee young man you got to put my leg down no you letting that air get in there see that air getting in there see that adam got in there she trying to say your name see young women get embarrassed when that happens oh i'm sorry old women talk [ __ ] she's spelling your name carlos k.ara i just came here to talk [ __ ] bro that's what i do got to be careful what you say though i was talking some [ __ ] the other night i didn't even know i offended some people bro did the joke about the lmnop community i didn't know nobody was mad til i got outside it was three gay dudes laying on my hood as soon as they saw me they went off uh-uh say what you said what you said what do the joe did [ __ ] say to joe say what you're saying say what you saying [Applause] i scratch you [ __ ] oh my god that's the only thing that scared me was this little hand say what you said [Applause] this [ __ ] funny she didn't live huh i lay a shelf [ __ ] ah he's so damn stupid ladies stop wearing that [ __ ] you already look good i don't know what the [ __ ] be fake on y'all number these ladies wearing these long ass eyelashes and [ __ ] then she tried to sneak and take it off now you staring there trying to figure out what the [ __ ] missing [Applause] no [ __ ] blink dude something is missing on your face these ladies don't give a [ __ ] about us no more they used to have discretion they used to hide that [ __ ] you ain't even know what was fake i let a girl spin the night over my house she gonna take the fake eyelashes off and smash them together and left them on the counter forgot to throw them away i go in the bathroom i think i got [ __ ] tarantulas at my house what kind of roach is that they don't even have this [ __ ] no more lace front wigs they don't even glue them [ __ ] on no more they just weighing them like 50 hats is we going out or what what we're doing y'all [ __ ] playing see that's the thing [Applause] that's what i like though i love old project ass woman shout out to all the hood women i just love old project guys that [ __ ] sexy as hell i'm talking about one of the more real good ass [ __ ] type that a killer ocean keep cooking [Applause] you like them ghetto hey the best ones type of chick you can impress easy all you got to do is take her somewhere they got a commercial but like baby don't go to applebee's hell yeah i want to eat good in the neighborhood what's up [ __ ] that's what i like i'm about to quit that [ __ ] though bro the woman too dangerous i'm at the mall with a girl i ain't even know she was with a [ __ ] [ __ ] pulled up in a gangstas monte carlo no rims no hubcap just dirty black tie as soon as he pulled up i knew it was gonna be some trouble he like beat get your [ __ ] ass in the cop you and that [ __ ] out here holding hand got me out here stressing oh like oh [ __ ] as soon as she got in the car he slammed the head against the window two times she rolled the window down i call you back i love this [ __ ] bro this is amazing we got the hood sitting right next to white people every time they laugh they look at you [Applause] california is a strange place may i be seeing black dudes with white women every day i'd be like dude the police know about this [ __ ] cause i'm from mississippi they catch you with a white girl that's possession with intent they will lock your ass up [Applause] white women scare me because they racist in a whole another kind of way bro if you walk down the street you see a white lady walking towards you and did she clutch her purse ain't that the most offensive [ __ ] ever this [ __ ] thinks she's stronger than me what the [ __ ] give me that [ __ ] you see how easy that was you are a vegan addison you don't even eat meat you think you stronger than a real [ __ ] look at the white lady i never thought about that shout out to all the old school [ __ ] out there i see you out there nick talking about them old school player [ __ ] with the whole linen suit on church shoes [Applause] old school [ __ ] named calvin leroy ildrich you see them old school pim oakland [ __ ] in here i love them [ __ ] bro you speak to them [ __ ] they make your whole day better what's up unk [ __ ] i can't call it i might spoil it nephew [ __ ] ain't nothing to it but you do it but when you do it act like you're used to it you heard what i said [Applause] them some of the coldest [ __ ] ever they got all the little catch phrases i was at the gas station today i heard an old [ __ ] trying to highlight one of these young girls she jumped out the car fine had that fashion over on that ass with fat as soon as he saw he said god damn girl i put so much dick in you i'd be scared to kiss you yeah make sure you're having safe sex whatever that mean to you lock the door [Music] put your phone on silent what you thought i was gonna say well condom who is that safe for bookie [Laughter] well you better cause some condom commercials i'm [ __ ] scared you'll be at the house chilling then they wrap it up commercial come on scare everybody in the house they say some [ __ ] like one in three black people have aids you like [ __ ] it's two people on the couch you mean to tell me somebody in this house sick and won't say nothing [Applause] where did they get this information from man it's so [ __ ] up we're in here laughing at this [ __ ] it's ladies in here right now can't even laugh because they waste training on too [ __ ] tight i see you in here can't even laugh just giggling take that [ __ ] off they got the whole body training now the whole body going there just have two little flaps right there they so insecure they won't even under do they just undo the flaps lead the whole [ __ ] on i was like oh you gotta take that [ __ ] off i'm not about to [ __ ] andre the giant [Applause] shout out to boogie bro you one of my favorite players man you one of the most disrespectful players in the nba bro golden state could be up by 39. boogie get in the game and dunk on you and call you a [ __ ] like bro my [ __ ] family is out there tired of this [ __ ] i don't like how y'all judging me in here shout out to all the real [ __ ] they buy a three pack of condoms and well run and go raw the rest of the time much loves all the ladies in here that can wear white panties all day and take them off and they still be white [Applause] know what kind of magic that is y'all got some good ass weed out here too [Applause] you ever get so high you get smart like you start figuring out smart dumb [ __ ] like hey can you wear house shoes in an apartment the people you smoking with just as you yeah cause you know home is where your heart is i asked what [ __ ] had me [ __ ] up the other day bro i'm sitting there like bro what color is a mirror you ever be in your kitchen just figuring out [ __ ] just looking through the cabinets you ain't even want to eat this [ __ ] just seeing what the [ __ ] you got the [ __ ] is this [ __ ] [ __ ] refried beans who fried them the first time shout out to all the hispanic people my name no cause they tried to [ __ ] y'all over man i remember they were stealing kids and [ __ ] tell them how they gonna build a wall i was mad as [ __ ] i went in holiday my mexican home but i was like pablo they gonna build a wall man what the [ __ ] what y'all gonna do y'all gonna ride y'all nice y'all want us to ride with you like [ __ ] no well like they gonna build a wall he was like yeah i'm like what y'all gonna do walk around i'm like oh y'all already figured this [ __ ] out okay you know before i go you know one thing i love about oakland [ __ ] it don't matter what you did or what you doing oakland [ __ ] already did it a lot of times they don't give a [ __ ] they'll tell you [ __ ] i just graduated oh [ __ ] i didn't graduate hella times [ __ ] i'd have been hella schools [ __ ] [ __ ] hella educated on mamas oh mama's [ __ ] got education [Applause] bro my girl pregnant [ __ ] i got hella kids my [ __ ] hella kids hey i'll call those millimeters [Applause] yeah yeah y'all having a good time you're having a good time [Applause] there's a lot of big girls in here tonight with some body suits on and ain't got nobody [Applause] you're looking like a wrestler in here tonight you're looking like t grizzly sitting up in here [Applause] that's how they was walking like yeah that's not a big them big girls take real slow steps you know and you got to watch your grandmama because she'll give her money to one of them bad pastors like you know peter popoff yeah benny hen i'm old white man with them wigs on it come on at 4 30 in the morning catch your grandmama up in them houses real old in them hot ass houses writing checks the white men come on there god is searching for you the lord is looking for you salvation is looking for you it's a reason why they [ __ ] come on at 4 30 in the morning because they tricking these old women i was watching peter pop off one night and he was just he had a line of people and just hitting him in the head and it was all falling he hit one chick and she put her arm back now i said how did you know to put your [ __ ] arm back [ __ ] [Applause] he got the one woman was hitting her on the head and she kept coming back i guess she didn't know the fall and he hit her again she kept going like that he said fall and he hit her again man they tried everything they kicked her and everything hell even hit her with her elbow one time get on the ground now [ __ ] i ain't gonna play with you i seen one of the ushers sneaking up behind her with a bat like this you're gonna fall now we on tv [ __ ] you [ __ ] the church's money up y'all ready for the next comic y'all come on coming to the stage you seen this man on american hustle you seen him on first sunday you know his face you gonna love him give it up for dc's own red gray [Applause] shout out to my man boogie cousins for putting this together man and shout out to oakland for being real hyphy all the time [Applause] [Music] see some of y'all came in here with a [ __ ] up spirit you better get your spirit right [ __ ] [ __ ] you don't know if you're gonna be here tomorrow you better have fun today [ __ ] you [ __ ] around don't have fun today be in the morning wake up in front of god they'd be like should've had fun last night [ __ ] rare was funny as a [ __ ] and how many people got the friends i call them bad influencers they want a [ __ ] get you to drink when they know you at your goddamn limit you don't told these [ __ ] look i'm at my limit i don't need nothing else to drink here they go [ __ ] take a shot [Applause] you like a shot of what they say some dumb [ __ ] like patron and hennessy together [ __ ] i ain't drinking no protrinity miss [ __ ] that [ __ ] patrinity make you throw up they like [ __ ] take a shot it's my goddamn birthday now you feel obligated to take the [ __ ] shot you like give me the goddamn shot you take the shot as soon as you take the shot you feel it in your throat immediately you make that little sound like you start looking around for help [Applause] it's always that one girl save your ass like look like your friend about to throw up y'all need to get them outside they get you outside you already in full throw up mold like oh i don't know why you do your back like this huh this is what it looked like from the side and [ __ ] looked like you in the parking lot twerking this [ __ ] and your friends ain't [ __ ] look like he twerking in the park a lot [ __ ] throw the [ __ ] out my mouth real watery that's how you gonna know you're gonna throw up when your mouth get real watery and you try to spit it just hang on your lip like my my spirit won't hit the ground [Applause] oh [Applause] [Applause] i'm hungry [Applause] anybody got some bread your friend's like no no i got no goddamn bread we're in the goddamn park a lot throw the [ __ ] up red huh [Applause] i just want a peanut butter and jelly sandwich [ __ ] you better throw the [ __ ] up while i leave your ass out here don't make your real friends your real friends stay with you don't they your fake friends they leave your ass they will be like [ __ ] don't give a [ __ ] you believe me [ __ ] i'm gonna [ __ ] i'm about that life out here by myself dick you ain't never been in my life no way anyway i'm about that life they like okay [ __ ] bye [ __ ] [ __ ] they leave you out in the parking lot you walking around scaring people like the walking dead like oh you know what i mean right help somebody help me lord help me cause nobody don't [ __ ] help you when you're in that condition do they i'm talking to y'all they don't help you duty what they do pull out their goddamn phones and insta-stop your ass like hashtag did not make it hashtag throw-up boy hashtag he wasn't ready huh i remember one day i was out there i was hurting her nobody wasn't helping me and this white lady came out of nowhere she was a nurse she was like you all right little fella and i was like huh and she lifting my head up perpendicular she pulled a warm ginger ale out of purse and she fed me like a baby bird she gave me some saltine crackers and i got better my friends came out there it was like who this white lady holding your head really i was like she helped me this is my friend i just want to ride home and this when you find out who your [ __ ] real friends are if they give your ass a ride home they don't say [ __ ] they put your ass in the car get you home your fake friends they start asking questions in the parking lot like you ain't gotta throw up no more dude you like huh then they got you riding with your head out the window like a goddamn puppy and [ __ ] spaghetti everywhere nick get you home they don't even take you in the house do they what your fake friends do they lean you on the doorstep for your girl to find you your girl come out there like look at your stupid ass these are friends you hanging with got you looking like the scarecrow from the [ __ ] wiz and [ __ ] and you hurt and you're like i just want some bread you need to get your ass in the bed red now when you gotta throw up what's the worst place you can go the [ __ ] bed cause as soon as you get in that [ __ ] you're like i don't know why the bed is spinning like this huh my bag got wheels on it [Applause] your [ __ ] friends and how many people in the relationship make some noise for your relationship if you're in a goddamn relationship cause y'all know relationships ain't easy is it that [ __ ] hard as [ __ ] i'm in a [ __ ] relationship i took my dick out the street [ __ ] i told my dick [ __ ] we are out the [ __ ] street [ __ ] but my dick wasn't ready to go that nigga's like [ __ ] you can go home [ __ ] i don't give a [ __ ] i'll catch an uber home [ __ ] i don't need you nick [Applause] cause your dick don't give a [ __ ] your friends don't care your friends out there you they know you in a relationship they say some dumb [ __ ] like hey you know we got 14 women at the crib right now nick i was like 14. that's a large number he was like yeah [ __ ] they all sucking dick nick damn they [ __ ] dick i mean you know my name's red i like head you know [Applause] i mean i'm in a relationship but uh you know i'm cursed what else they talking about you know my friend said [ __ ] one of them say they want to suck your ding-a-ling off [ __ ] off your body [ __ ] [Applause] damn she gonna suck my dick off cause i ain't never had my dick sucked off before i mean do you get your dick back on after get sucked off cause i can't go home without a dick now that's the first thing she gonna look for is the dick [ __ ] i am not a mr potato head no not me fellas y'all laughing but if your girl could make you a mr potato head she would nick look at her she wouldn't let you go out with your real dang a lingo you be about to go out with your big dick on you got the biggest dick in the drawer you like i'm about to go to the store your girl gonna come out there like uh what dick you got on i got my big dick going what what you need your big dick for red you say you going to the store uh-uh this your store dig right here [ __ ] it'd be a low-ass dick with no balls you can't even come with this like get this dick out of here [Applause] and we're in oakland tonight man this is one of the best cities in the [ __ ] world right and if you got stinky breath tonight don't talk to me sir you ever smell some my breasts think so bad you can't say nothing to them the only thing you can do is frown at them they'd be like what iran's you're like oh you ever see them people with that white [ __ ] in the corner they mouth that's the worst [ __ ] ever the more they talk the cakier that [ __ ] get you be like [ __ ] get dad i don't know was you eating mayonnaise or something oh you ever seen people with dry lips anybody ever see somebody's lip so dry make you put on your chapstick [ __ ] hey y'all i'm red grant enjoy the rest of your [ __ ] life [Music] if you got some good kuching you know it clap your hand if you got some good kuching and you know it clap your hand if you got some good coochie and you know it and you want to show it meet me behind one of them things right there right at the show so why can bill cosby your ass [Applause] i seen some guys clapping back there too when i said that [ __ ] you know how they are i'm the one that was clapping when you say that at the back of the show [Applause] y'all ready for the next comic man i want y'all to make plenty of noise man we got some of the best comics in the world right now make plenty of noise y'all come on clap it up clap it up clap it up clap it up clap it up clap it up clap it up put your hands together for cincinnati's own you sent him on bt's comic view i love this dude man it's a personal friend of mine give it up for gary [Applause] [Music] [Applause] i know i feel the same about myself thank you i'd like to thank mike for shouting everybody from oakland but the one white rapper g-eazy [ __ ] you mike what [ __ ] i got goddamn i like oakland you see [ __ ] no you don't see nowhere else i saw an asian dude with cornrow speaking spanish today he was on the bart it was crazy bart can be a scary place at certain stops i fell asleep woke up at the richmond stop yeah i didn't get off i didn't get off a bunch of brothers just looking at me come on now man come on [Music] conductors like this the last stop well i'm going home with you [ __ ] i stayed on till i saw flood ruckers nothing ever popped over flutter records riding this [ __ ] out it's good to have stuff in oakland man you know because you know my wife's from oakland you know we yeah she was a skyline high school [Applause] [ __ ] yeah [ __ ] her [ __ ] somebody from skyline yeah you know this is a it's the marxist event man but when you know when you think of oklahomans you know before before they start winning titles it was like raider country everybody like the raiders goddamn mexicans love the raiders [ __ ] that's like the mexican national team goddammit it sounds mexican ain't the [ __ ] readers the [ __ ] readers other teams don't sound as mexican you never see a mexican in a [ __ ] buccaneers yeah [ __ ] yeah the pirates and the ships [ __ ] yeah like the [ __ ] buccaneers yeah johnny depp [ __ ] yeah you gotta be you gotta be careful go you ever go to oakland raider game [ __ ] you could die you could not get beat up die you can't wear somebody else's jersey at a raider game can be walking around the parking lot outside the oakland coliseum sitting there with a denver broncos jersey on if i can come and get stabbed hey what the [ __ ] the [ __ ] raiders what the [ __ ] it's pre-season this [ __ ] don't even count bro hey [ __ ] you it's the [ __ ] readers it's tim tebow jersey it's protected by christ that's crazy you can go down the street go to a 49er game completely different fans yeah that's him got it raider games you could die raider games you could dive 49er fans look i know you want to be gangster but it's tough when you're sharing a parking lot with six flags can't be gangster you got powdered sugar on your [ __ ] college you granny you can wear a bronco jersey to a 49er game i mean 49er fans will yell at you like they're going to do something but they ain't going to switch it up at the end you'll be walking around hey denver denver you forever yeah this is my wife these are my boys yeah we got some bruschetta we just grew in the garden yeah i got some white wine my wife just made it yeah welcome man yeah welcome to denver we ski there every summer we love it yeah goddamn wow 49 fans are pissed mo [ __ ] we ain't nice oh my gosh oh my gosh all right i guess we'll switch it back to basketball act like the season was about to start in this [ __ ] man my favorite player on my favorite player on golden state's uh klay thompson you know just he's mixed you know my kids are mixed of course that's my dude i see a lot of him in my children you know you know mixed guys they gotta shoot threes man they're always good three-point shooters because you can't be mixed it's tough when you go the hole you know because the white news says lay it up or pass it the black you says dunk it you're all [ __ ] up you know what to do [ __ ] i want to help but i want to be selfish that's a good thing about comedians man you know you know got it okay we got it you're not on the team jesus christ [ __ ] still talking about the raiders uh that was that was eight minutes ago we gotta move on [ __ ] god damn [ __ ] my [ __ ] is still up there he sound a little slow i might be maybe careful my [ __ ] might be up there [Applause] i'm seeing her bagging on him his brother's up there shut the [ __ ] up corki [ __ ] i'm sorry i'm sorry i said reyes no he said raiders he said waiters you said ready you said rulers you tell me when they say waiter you say really sorry about that sorry about that i gotta apologize i don't a bunch of [ __ ] pick it in my show next week gotta [ __ ] us up [Applause] that's why you can't say nothing man right everybody tells sensitive man like and but people say stupid [ __ ] you know you want to talk about it like like this past year dj khaled said the dumbest [ __ ] i heard all year dj cal went on the breakfast club and in the middle of an interview with a straight face said he'd need [ __ ] and i'm like well i'm looking at your body you eat everything else [ __ ] [ __ ] but you don't eat [ __ ] the one thing you can eat and can make you gain no way you don't eat that okay the [ __ ] outta here with that [ __ ] goddamn [ __ ] gluten free ain't nobody gain weight for me too much [ __ ] and don't get it twisted i like dj khaled he's a very positive individual but god damn dude stop working out on social media we don't believe you [Music] my voice working out eating healthy and [ __ ] i mean okay where did cook cookies and cakes at in your house caleb i know we got a cookie jar he ain't showing us on snapchat i bet you every night cal puts his phone down opens up that cookie jar you got girl scout cookies chips ahoy double stuffed oreos just killing them cookies another one another one you like them oreos they the best some out there laughed a little too hard [ __ ] i get i get i get so sick of watching like marriage boot camp [ __ ] quick to get married and put all day business on national tv man i don't get that [ __ ] man i don't get like watching dr phil and van zandt my [ __ ] marriage ain't going well [ __ ] running tv i don't get that [ __ ] me and my we don't play that [ __ ] we keep all our [ __ ] in house you ain't hearing [ __ ] from us [ __ ] that you know because every time you see somebody going dr phil he gives them the same advice you know you guys just gotta learn how to talk learn how to communicate get to know each other again from the inside now you don't you gotta talk you gotta communicate let me tell you something i've been white for 20 years it ain't brain surgery if you want your relationship to last since the beginning of time it's the same formula just keep sucking digging eating [ __ ] you'll make it you'll make it that's all you got to do you ain't got to talk me and my wife go weeks without talking she's still sucking dick we still together my wife got a job right now how the [ __ ] she works like gary how's your wife doing she good man she real good where's she working at [ __ ] oh no i mean you gotta be honest with each other you gotta be honest with each other because i've been my wife 20 years and i think in 20 years there were two times i went down on her and it was a little tart you know and i let her know oh [ __ ] uh i don't know what the [ __ ] you ate today but it ain't working with your chemistry right now so i need you to hop in the shower handle that [ __ ] and i'll be here when you get out my wife got mad at me i can't believe you said that [ __ ] what i'm still getting you [ __ ] look i'll be when you get out ugh ain't like my dick and balls don't get salty from time to time just let me know ain't nobody gonna be mad like yeah i'll be right back baby i want you sucking on a dirty dick and some dirty balls i want you sucking on a clean dick with some clean balls that could be a song salty balls don't want you sucking on those salty balls get some background singers salty balls salty bows no no no sucking no no salty balls salty balls don't want you sucking on those softballs stop the balls shut the balls [Applause] sorry about that got some white payment audience i want to make sure they're covered too make sure i got a country version sucking on them [Music] [Music] oakland you're always great you know you uh this is the reason my wife's here we moved back to the bay it's a great city great people and thank you demarcus for having this thank you mike gibbs i'm gary i'll see you next time thank you good night [Music] [Applause] [Music] i like coming to oakland y'all got some nice looking ladies i go to some cities it's hard to look in the audience three rows of werewolves right in the front i said how these ugly [ __ ] get the money to get these tickets in the front yeah y'all ready for more comedy this man with this little kid jacket on right here man that's a back to school jacket what a mask is that what a mask is that i smelt there go chewy gomez there's the sun right there there's a lot of mexicans in here you brothers better go to work because they watching your attendance every time you call in they tell their friend lord one you're gonna get the job real soon i'm telling you i know i'll never get my hair cut in oakland again my hairline was right here yesterday [Applause] yeah it's going down man this is the boogie cousin comedy slam third annual you know what i'm saying he's bringing this straight to oakland you know what i'm saying bringing this thing i appreciate that buddy how the hoes treating you [Applause] you all ready for the next to the stage this is my man man i'm talking about when i tell you funny raw unadulterated straight out of detroit you've seen this man you love them give it up for the one and only tony roberts [Applause] [Music] hell yeah oakland what do the thick women have with confidence clap your hands [Music] this song is for you stomach is the new titty stomach the new titty i don't care if you're 50. that stomach is the new titty ladies stomach is the new titty stomach the new teddy [ __ ] sit up [ __ ] jenny craig [Music] some like it flat i say [ __ ] that no breasts no stomach no back look like a shaved cat real women got that girth it's in their jeans at birth i'ma show you what is worth go hard or get hurt let me tell you without a doubt thick is in thin is out some got a rock getting off that couch ready to roof let me pat that pouch to face thick waist you got me on that chase you know i craved a taste drop that monkey slap my face eeny meeny miny moe skinny girls don't want this flow turn they knows up and say so demand your business huh stomach is the new titty you [ __ ] find this [ __ ] [ __ ] i wrote that song for the thick woman because i'm from detroit we breathe thick women you see a skinny [ __ ] in detroit she's a visitor we're the big girls can't catch their kids so they throw [ __ ] at them get the [ __ ] over here [ __ ] if you gotta get up two times [ __ ] you win them you gotta do this you winning these are the girls looking hollywood skinny and [ __ ] gluten-free these [ __ ] right here you don't see them till they get close to you oh [ __ ] girl where you coming from i thought you was a meter let me put a quarter in your mouth add an hour to your life but you about to expire god damn it y'all sexy as [ __ ] back in oakland home of the potholes let me tell you this [ __ ] what i had a pile today my dog came up when i'm on the doe trying to get back in the car i'm running over a goddamn grave i don't know raggedy i'm from detroit i know raggedy when i see it you ever go to somebody's house and the mouse traps in the open you go damn they come out here he's supposed to be behind the stove i can't stay for dinner because they come out here they'll jump on my lap [ __ ] i love you [ __ ] i seen a white lady with yellow teeth today [ __ ] like a deviled egg [Applause] what you brush your teeth with a phone book what the [ __ ] is going on i'm tired now who over 45 where you at who tired and sleepy right now [ __ ] this [ __ ] this [ __ ] did this [ __ ] in the daytime [ __ ] i'm tired as [ __ ] [ __ ] my knee hurt for nothing all i did was live what are the [ __ ] there what are the 45 and over i peed three times last night who with me [ __ ] you y'all [ __ ] you don't know [ __ ] that [ __ ] pee every tuesday don't give a [ __ ] been right around this city for two goddamn days let me tell you something i'm the kind of [ __ ] you don't want to be in front of if you ain't got your [ __ ] together i'm the kind of [ __ ] that drive because i got somewhere to [ __ ] go i ain't by myself i ain't got only one got the problem i got family here right now if i say this and then pertain to you you raise your hand [ __ ] anybody around you because we won where are my road ragers at what a real road rage is that the real deal thank you thank you for y'all who did raise your hand let me tell you something the speed limit is a goddamn suggestion please get the [ __ ] out our way 65 me 80. everybody know this [ __ ] whoa [ __ ] road rager road rage you know when somebody get in front of you and give [ __ ] who it is or how old they are you want their goddamn head to fall off [ __ ] move i had a truck in front of me i couldn't get around them [ __ ] i'mma threw up in my lap they heard the 800 number how's my driving on the back i grabbed my phone let me show you how your [ __ ] driving is it said lowe's movie company can i help you i said move the [ __ ] over oh [ __ ] [Applause] only road ragers gonna understand this right here what i'm about to say only the road rages you're being bumping the bumper traffic and the truck the car in front of you got this much space between them you want to get out your car yo get the [ __ ] up here right now this can get your ass beat right here rages we cuss people the [ __ ] out when i'm behind the wheel i'm racist i don't give a [ __ ] you can be black [ __ ] you ain't seen your kids in two years i hope you're going to see somebody [ __ ] [Applause] okay if you're chinese [ __ ] you built the car you can't try to [ __ ] [Applause] it's that toyota on the [ __ ] i got it bad i'm getting mad right now road rager we cuss people out like a mother who cuts them out you can't say ass out thank you thank you but you can't take it you do something to me we got a goddamn problem let me be the red light and it turned green one second later you honked your horn at me i wish the [ __ ] you would honk your goddamn horn at me [ __ ] i cut my car off get on the hood and feed birds for 30 minutes hit bird eat [ __ ] her you gonna be late today goddammit i'll get out of my car rotate my tires [ __ ] you don't know me i take all these [ __ ] off you ain't going home tonight i got it bad i ain't by myself everybody here know somebody that you need to take their driver's license and cut it the [ __ ] up you might be with the person now don't say nothing just wink your eyes that's what my sister is this [ __ ] got the brains of a bracelet this is how she drive damn they put a curve anywhere yeah [ __ ] on the sidewalk stupid ass she had a set of twins named her daughter denise and the boy the nephew [Applause] what kind of stupid [ __ ] is this steph what kind of stupid [ __ ] is this get your [ __ ] together how many women drive faster than a man where you at raise your hand reckless helpless way raise your hand i said my wife drive fast as [ __ ] on the one she didn't wear gloves and a helmet on with wonder bread on her car fella you ever have your woman she driving so fast you don't understand what's going on you're like we ain't even late look at somebody you chase you passing cars like this [ __ ] there's somebody chasing us you look at her this [ __ ] driving like this it's crazy [Applause] i said my wife she drive fast spend money she got some high-end stores nema marcus saks fifth avenue no streams [ __ ] that i'm a bargain [ __ ] [ __ ] with me and get these savings i'm walmart target ross for less who with me [ __ ] this [ __ ] you go to ross for less that's just so cheap you talk to yourself in an hour eight dollars for this whole sweater this whole sweater eight dollars the sleeves too i don't understand this [ __ ] i'm buying this [ __ ] right now you get home the back is up right here there's a halter top in the back and the sweater in the front don't give a [ __ ] i'm buying it [Applause] [ __ ] with me and get these savings that's what i do i don't give a [ __ ] i'm cheap my kids somebody want a big screen tv i move all the furniture next to the in front of the closer to the goddamn tv there you go none of that [ __ ] like this [ __ ] you me [Applause] my wife a health nut who goes to the gym who needs to go to the gym somebody i think you don't need to go to the gym cause you look good in your clothes [ __ ] that as you do eat in the mirror nick at one time you're gonna be in the gym the next goddamn day it's gonna look like you're putting food in a backpack my wife got me in the gym she got me on diets i don't want to be on [ __ ] that i want a piece of sugar so bad i don't know what to do right now anytime she cook no sugar no salt no seasoning anything bad for you anytime i eat taste like i'm eating clothes she said one morning she said how do you like your eggs tony in the cake goddammit please [ __ ] i'll [ __ ] anybody in this this room for honey bun that's what i got so you gotta be in the goddamn gym i'm trying to lose weight some of y'all i see some of y'all looking away don't look away believe it this one is time to go to the gym when you see a pencil in your house you pick it up and look up and there's dots in the air and your man's doing this look at these look they're over here too your brain died god damn it let me tell you the symptoms of a stroke a stroke you better get your dumb ass in the shell i know it's hard i know it's hard because every time you go on the diet [ __ ] gonna sell four whoppers four dollars what i need that [ __ ] a diet you call your boy come get me two for you two for me look at god look how you work won't he do it get your ass in the gym you ever run on the treadmill and accidentally hit the stop button and walk into popeyes you don't know how you got there but you're going to order something [ __ ] this [ __ ] i burned 2 000 calories last week i left a whole tray of cookies in the oven too long [Applause] oh god this is what happened to me at the gym let me tell you how young [ __ ] [ __ ] with you these [ __ ] know me they know who i am don't give a [ __ ] they said what's up old man you want to work out with us can you hang i said who you calling old punk bring it would you say bring it look at it first don't do what i did don't just jump in there they had a big ass medicine ball we throwing that [ __ ] [ __ ] i knew i should have stopped when i threw the ball and snot came out my nose i said what the [ __ ] [ __ ] i threw that ball again i seen stars follow the ball my fitbit caught an ambulance for me it's coming up so you're having a heart attack let's get the [ __ ] away from me you're embarrassing me i have no goddamn heart attack bye i'll whisper to the paramedics go around the corner don't do it i'll be here there five minutes i can't feel [ __ ] on my right side at all these young [ __ ] trying to kill me [Applause] you better get your [ __ ] running i see some young women in here with some older dudes i got a younger wife look at you [ __ ] in here old school when a woman healthy and they're healthier than us could they have meetings that panera bread they drink a lot of water to get their rest when they want it in the bedroom they want an hour old school you know what i'm talking to do you have an hour in the bed [ __ ] no you ain't got no hour in the bed you want an hour for me 56 minutes gonna be conversation i want to talk about the issues if you you don't want to talk about that you're a [ __ ] [Applause] you ain't gonna [ __ ] me up let me tell you some old school you better get it in you have been over your girl like this and your arms get you shaken kiss me kiss me kiss me kiss me kiss me cause you ain't get a push-up since 0-5 [ __ ] you better get in there get your workout on don't let these young come tell you young woman and the younger they are the stronger they are you better uh [ __ ] that get your [ __ ] on i'm telling you when you when you come home fellas you know how we get down ladies let me tell you something about your man with you right now he won it all the time every goddamn day every day don't even you want a happy man every day please and fellas you know how we get down anytime you have a make a love your woman you hear this that's because she love you and want to make you feel like a cane don't never think you murdering this [ __ ] i've seen the baby come out of there who are you to fill that back up technically let me tell you but sometimes you got to talk to a woman because she forget your ego in the room fellas they do it sometimes you ever hit it from the back fellas that's how we get down ladies next time you're getting in from the back do me a favor look behind you it's going to scare the [ __ ] at you this ain't the [ __ ] you know when in front of you trying to look sexy in front of you when you ain't looking we ugly as [ __ ] we don't give a [ __ ] [Applause] we're different and a woman when you be hitting that woman will talk to you in a regular voice yeah the kids got to recite it tomorrow at four o'clock you don't feel that [ __ ] [ __ ] you talking regular i kid i get it in i do all kind of weird positions with my wife you know you're getting old when you're a woman you make a love to her she do [ __ ] like this to you uh you doing all right i'm doing all right [ __ ] how are you about you i'm all mine so what my eyes watering my nose running that's common i know what i'm doing me my way keep up the sex life we different people me and my wife my wife got she's conservative i'm freaky i don't give a [ __ ] if you know what not i got some family who freaky as [ __ ] freaky who conservative yes my wife conservative [ __ ] not me she got a hole in her that she won't let out and play i know she in there i can't wait to meet the [ __ ] i can't wait i'ma [ __ ] the [ __ ] up we keep my spice life going you ever do role play that's what made my wife do but it's different it's uneven i could [ __ ] i'm for real with mine i could take my shirt off put the mask on everything they're gonna come through my window and all that [ __ ] yeah i'm about to take this ass [ __ ] i play the burglar she played tired that's about to take his ass she go do what you gotta do stop being hurt [ __ ] you're making me sleepy [ __ ] [Applause] fellas you ever had your woman go to bed first she didn't want to have sex so she get in bed real fast and do this [ __ ] first of all you ain't got to be all the way woke for me [ __ ] just be breathing i'll do the rest [ __ ] this you can do this [ __ ] if you want to my wife trying to play that [ __ ] on me she's doing this [ __ ] i said i'm getting on top of [ __ ] anyway i get on top she do this i go right here she do this i said [ __ ] you woke let's walk [ __ ] i'm saying i'm gonna get a mouth open and get some head [ __ ] it [ __ ] i can't get a mouth open for [ __ ] i said i know you walk now don't nobody see it like this what the [ __ ] you a crocodile in the [ __ ] seat like this fella what they do they give you the side boo do you ever get this go ahead we had like we got pride but we can't stop looking at it yeah whatever y'all don't need that [ __ ] it's the last time and she looking like a homicide victim in that [ __ ] [Applause] with the church of my honest church pastor this tall [ __ ] want to baptize me we need a tub together we're in the pool like can you hold me there's some [ __ ] he started dipping me and losing me i took that [ __ ] with me i'm trying to get up i said let me up [ __ ] let me allow he jumped up what the [ __ ] around with you i said what i rebuke you we've got some people going to church tomorrow who go to church every day that's a goddamn shame that's my grandmama she go every goddamn day church be clocked sometime i don't know how she get here she's been arrested three times you know you go to church too much you got biblical pictures in your house and you got jesus in the picture and you next to jesus you had somebody paint you in the picture she on the picture was the last supper like this on the end with everybody else she got cornbread and macaroni and cheese you're looking for my new album coming out it's out right now all digital platforms called you need your ass beat you need your ass beat if you're a thug and you ticklish you need your ass beat you bought a pregnancy test from the dollar store you need your ass beat if you're a pimp with a roommate you need your ass big i love y'all i'm tony robbins [Music] [Applause] [Music] um [Music] i'm out of this world now [Music] yard [Music] themselves

Channel: Indie Rights Movies For Free

Views: 4,374,864

Keywords: basketball, boogie, demarcus cousins, mike epps, stand up comedy, full movie, free movie, comedy special, comedy slam, funny, laugh, stand up, stand-up

Id: 9mc0ZIfokaE

Length: 71min 28sec (4288 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 02 2022