2 Bears 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer | Ep. 04

hey guys welcome to two bears one cave today we're sponsored by policy genius these days a lot of workplaces offer some pretty nice perks a snack station fifteen flavors of soda water even insurance but while it's nice to have a handful of trail mix in some water that tastes faintly of tangerine that's not enough to subsist on and neither is your workplace life insurance this is where policy genius comes in policy genius is the easiest way to shop for life insurance online in minutes you can compare quotes from the top insurers to find the right amount of coverage at the best possible price the policy genius team can look at your workplace life insurance policy and help you decide what else you might need and what you don't and policy genius doesn't just make life insurance easy they can also help with the right kind of home insurance auto insurance and disability insurance all things you need if you have a family so remember workplace life insurance policies are like workplace snacks better than nothing but not quite enough head the policy genius.com today and find out how to supplement your workplace life insurance and better protect your family policy genius it's like a buffet made of life insurance and what could be more delicious than that now let's get ready for the episode but before we start make sure to find Tom Segura on his take it down to her he is heading to Europe for all tickets go to Tom Segura dot-com slash tour and my body shots world tour picks up again in one month go to bert bert bert com2 bears one cave motherfuckers all right welcome to another two bears one cave he believes everyone should marry within their own race I'm here to tell you love is possible so are you gonna start I've only ever had sex with white chicks ever yeah I hooked up with one black chick one time and we hooked up we never sex and then she flipped me and spooned me from behind I swear to God yeah in New York yeah pretty strong yeah there's no end there's a true story Wow I had such a number of different races really yep you're lying no I'm serious you're are you serious yeah well I know Spanish coz you can speak yeah did you slip into Spanish everywhere do you flip into Spanish when you start having sex with a spanish chick no no no Spanish during sex no no sometimes like now I'm pretty silent now now she just wants it to be over but she I remember you telling me about when you guys were just dating you tell me about the first time you guys had sex you do I remember I'm gonna go back to this black girl first so I'm in college yeah it was funny because whatever she kept tell me to put a condom on but and then like I was like we don't need it we don't need it over quickly she would let it like start and then she's like nah you should get one I was like why you know [Laughter] [Music] over the dying whoo oh well to be clear I was like okay I left the room she's nice I helped I stopped her from drowning when let's set the scene is 1954 you're the girl you met at camp licorice is like I think I'm gonna go out the water and you're like yeah we were in Myrtle Beach Senior Week and a whole bunch of us took over a shitty like it you're sweating that hard your face dropped you're ever gonna get podcasting fucking ever I had this fantasy about telling you you were having a Bell's palsy episode and I smile every morning today every fucking morning so first yeah so okay this is kind of fucked up so so it's senior week we all take over like one of these shitty Myrtle Beach like motels yeah that's like two blocks from the ocean and we have we have so many fucking blunts rolled up the the cleaning staff would come in and be like there's a lot of drugs all right so we're all by the pool hanging out during the day this is like all people you know if people from your class yeah and this chick liked me and when I was walking by the pool one time she pushes me in right like a kid oh wait so here's the problem when I hear a story so as a comedian I immediately know where I want the story to go yeah and I'm I've got my fingers crossed that it's going to where I think it's good I don't think I don't know if you're gonna like we're good because well I mean there's a near-death so so anyways when she pushes me in it's fine because we're all you know everyone's smoking drinking and I 10 you're drowning well no I did yeah I play and I'm like I'm like I'm gonna get you back right and she walks away she walks away and then it's like the next day or whatever and I see her by the edge of the pool and I go to push her in and as I go to push her in she grabs my aren't as she's going in to the water and goes like like lets out a panic scream as we go in the water together she starts full flailing and I don't mean like oh I can't swim but like like clawing grabbing kicking and I'm underneath and she's fucking I go I have to like come up and go I'll save you like that and she's screaming that she can't swim and then I basically is dragged her to the side and I'm like what the fuck was that she's like I can't swim like don't stand next to the edge of the pool then we go upstairs and we have a try to have sex with her but she joins me no I'm in the shower she comes in the shower this water doesn't get higher than this and then oh but then she's fucking doing the thing and she's like don't put it in I'm like why are you jumping in the shower I've had I'm in Russia I took a chick into the shower and I didn't want to fuck her everyone told me everyone had AIDS over there so but I kept just right I basically just put it in for a second and then she'd want to have sex and I just pull it out and be like no I donate and yeah it I was like he can't get aids for that quickly it was basically like that I mean a lot a lot of just knows how many girls do you think you've put your dick in but you don't count as sex uh not many okay I mean you have only eight there you put it in but I put my dick in and then was like we shouldn't do this you got it that far then you got it in yeah yeah I was the mind that was my moves I that's the best move of all the best move is always getting it in but I would get it in and then I was like I'm the other there's one chick I think about this one chick so much because she was such a great great girl I think I want to say her name was Stephanie I don't remember Tiffany something like that she's living with subscale okay and we definitely wanted up sex and in where it went year is like what are you in college you had a college yeah seven years old okay so you're a junior in college okay six years old 26 years old I'm just graduated so she was subletting an apartment in in Chelsea I was living in New York but I was going I was going back and forth from LA and every night we'd hook up we'd hook up and and we were like we I we shouldn't have sex and then we get to the point where I'd put it in and then she'd want to fuck can I be like I was like adding two things I was like I don't have a condom and sec I don't wanna give her some chick pregnant and the other thing was like I'm gonna come so fast this girl's gonna lose all respect for me so I just stopped and then and then she blow me and I was like oh there we go wait a minute what yeah I know so you'd still get so bad at sex I'm so bad at sex really uh-huh I had sex last night you should make a video because you don't care if anybody sees it just make a video I would sex video in a second it would be I want I had sex last night with Leanne and it was so quick and Leanne got there's a Leanne got really into it like really really into it and literally climbed on me and I was like I hate gotten so fucking worked up that I just came right away I was like and she was like like she even stopped before I came like hold on you okay and I was like you keep growing keep going dude I think they're so good I think because I never grew up and got a job and like did all that stuff but I still like my brain sexually is 17 years old that could maybe that's the thing the only guy ever grew past college emotionally yeah so like I don't think with sex I never like I could never like take it so your whole like do you basically when you start to have sex every time now you're just like I'm definitely gonna come really fast right now yeah you're ready to come right before you even start uh-huh I could I could sometimes I gotta come just going down on the end what yeah I dude it's the sexiest I started looking at porn because this is what I see when she like what I see is it's Leanne laying in a bed naked at me going down on her looking up at her like got like crocodile eyes that is the sexiest look somebody should animate this but if but you so you you you've come just from that you think you could have it I could I really good yeah I got you yeah there's something about giving like LeAnn losing control and getting turned on that for me is like yeah of course that's a huge turn-on but that's like I saw a guy something like she can you make me come by just saying something yeah I suck at sex that's why I would never had sex with a lot of people only I didn't these are people I have more than you I'd sex with a really tall Asian one time you ever like what's the paulus rudy joke see this we were talking about what's the tallest chick you ever slept with Kristen this girl Kristen probably 510 was pretty tall but that was about the shortest part of the part of the game no maybe that girl Alex like four five five five five six person okay yeah I had a sex was a couple really small really small girls not that many like over like put it into sports is it a soccer team is it a basketball team oh I got you it's like a a you know it's like it's right in like the it's like in the teens or something yeah I'm like a college golf team yeah I know I've never had sex with a nation I really took this what we're talking about outside where you go when we started comedy you because there was no perils to it you would say the most fucked up shit on stage or in podcasting and now you say it and you write in your head and you're like maybe I'll hold off on that one the joke I wrote the joke I wrote the other day was I was like Asian chicks are like BMW 5-series okay there's two fucking great they're hot they're good-looking but there's so many of them it's a five series we can all get back series hey are we taking that onstage no you said I do die stay away I stay away from anything - I don't like it late what - to racial like cuz I once I feel like in your set you can have if you're gonna talk about black who we get one thing that talking about black people you don't get to do it fucking like a lunatic and so you like and so and with race I have like three race jokes one of them I fucking one of them that I've been telling I told to you on a podcast and you laughed so hard I was like maybe I'll try that on stage and it is do strewing really yeah yeah yeah I took his shit in Japan once it was so bad the car stall next to me threw up yeah yeah we were in Japan I thought he was talking to me yeah that's really funny yeah and so that one I forgot this joke I had added Brydon Stein's podcast yeah what's my what's my cup - oh man he's great dude he used to be so fun to tour with man we just stopped touring I haven't time to talk to her forever he's great he's benching a lot by the way he's really into bench pressing now you're lying he goes to like a benchpress gym yeah he's pension 300 pounds now yeah you cannot tell by looking at him no oh oh no what you did brightens my IRA mind for summer we started talking about and like when you leave a joke oh there's also this was I go I remember this joke I remember this joke from years ago that I used to tell I used to say oh yeah I was having sex with this really petite woman right she was super hot but she was so small right so like it was oh and it was an Olympic year so I felt like I was a traitor she was oh she was a Romanian gymnast all right so she was that I said it wrong I was having sex with a Rumanian gymnast and it was an Olympic year so I felt like a traitor and she was she was so hot but she was so small so when I was having sex with her I was like you're so hot but you're so small I feel like I'm fucking a kid and she took it the way you did the wrong way she took it like fucking you reminds me of when I fuck kids and that's not what I meant I meant you're small yeah the way kids are yeah and I'm fucking good now finger painting that reminds me of when I fuck kids oh that's funny that was like that's like a 12 year old joke but I forgot about it also doesn't it like either pop in your head you're like oh yeah I used to fucking I used to sometimes bomb or do well with that - I a man think of that so much of the things the swings I would take when I was younger and not give a fuck and now I just go now I think it was because back then it was us against them yeah and now it's us with them it's totally different the dynamic changes I told a joke that I thought was really I thought it was really fucking brilliant joke and this black chick came up to me at the end of my show in DC doing the meeting Greece like hey great set and I was like yeah and she goes that bet joke though is it's kind of fucked up and I was like really she was yeah just let you know like you I wouldn't work on that and I went really yeah I think that it allows people the opportunity to feel less then in your show and I don't think you ever want that I went and I was like I didn't even think of what where the what I was saying I was just saying it you know like like I used to and so that's when I kind of changed it I was like alright if I'm gonna talk about something if I'm gonna talk if I'm gonna go somewhere I better be fucking well-thought-out dude I got such I got an email though the worst the worst emails are they're well-written ones like they really make you feel badly like sometimes people email you or message you and they're like fuck you you suck yeah fuck that guy they're the ones that start off with listen man just so you know big fan ear podcast I love you and Tom's new podcast followed you on Joe found you through Ari I gotta be honest with you though and you're like oh I was a string I was at your show and I was having a great time and then it's like dot dot until you said this and for for the moment I felt like I was in a surreal space as everyone around me laughed at what you were pointing out and i sat there alone and broken you're like what the fuck man and then they go on like I tried to have fun the rest of the show but after that joke I just couldn't and you're like all right thank you for the and they're like just something to give you pause about I'd been a lifelong fan yeah and you're like hey I had a joke about baby arms and I was like like when adults have a baby arm yeah is it about traffic school I'm sure I told you the story it's a true story having me at tribal school in Burbank the joke the pontine isn't but it one of the punchlines is that the teacher had a atrophied right arm I didn't know what to call it called oh maybe oh yeah the first night I tell it I figure it out I figure out the end of the joke and I'm like oh doing my meet and greet to people with baby arms and I swear to you all my children every time I don't tell it I don't meet one any time I tell it someone comes up with a fucked up arm every it's always haircut it's always had and they don't say anything they're cool they're like great show great show but you know in their head they're like it's not even them it's their boyfriend going fuck yeah and that's all dude hey boy friends like you know we haven't even talked about it in months we just got past talking about it and you fucking bring it up do you remember how ruthless humans used to be like think of how bad they were in the fucking turn of the century like I remember in college yours you mean when they didn't plan for tomorrow because someone's probably gonna die today yes it was ruthless yeah I mean I bet doing comedy in the fucking 1880s like right before prohibition like I bet you could just go hey you ever get tired beating your wife what if she overtook me I mean I haven't even you know dude yeah you could get away with anything for sure you could also kill people and it's not really a big deal what was Charlie's Charlie's um roommate Joe Zimmerman do you remember him yeah Joe Zimmerman has the greatest joke about Andrew Jackson challenging men to duels yeah imagine challenging someone to a duel I bet no one would talk shit dude you you would expect like how little would death affect you in that era if everyone who got a cold died everybody that broke a bone died and everybody that pissed somebody off you're like ah someone's probably gonna shoot you or stab you and and nobody would basically get in trouble I affects me so much I can't enjoy this old face app everyone's doing okay you're tired thing about it I know that's what's that ten years from now yeah this fucking tell you I won't you know what I almost did just use the face app and put it in here's a picture of me in ten years and it's just a picture of nothing because I'll be fucking dead the fuck like everyone's Posey I'm gonna look how long you think you have to live but think about this I can't imagine going past 70 I mean I said I mean that's like right already I go 70 I'm not gonna see past that's a pretty good run it's a pretty good run 70 you don't want to get too old like now you don't my wife's grandmother almost died in front of us at lunch yeah she started choking but choking just on on saliva and like air just and we thought she was gonna die and then it was just her danger wow it's really rough rice and and my daughters were there we're all watching and then and then I thought you don't want to be there you don't want to no no no you don't and her she's asked to have someone live with her and so you don't want to you don't want to be a burden on anybody and I wouldn't want the girls to not live their life because dad fucking partied his entire adulthood and you know that people will be like oh did your dad used to drink and someone will go did he use like a drink and they'll pull up their basket member newzeas I don't want to be a burden I don't want I definitely want to die before my kids definitely yeah that's one of the saving graces is if I get no cracks and they're like sir don't close your eyes I'm gonna go you know what I didn't have to see my kids die yeah that's one of my saving I don't want Leeanne to die before me you don't now you do very poorly with that dude very if you want to see a shit show yeah do you ever see that semen swingers when he that girl dumps him and he's in his in Jon Favreau's in his room and his wife beater and Vince Vaughn comes in with the salami and a glass or a cup but thinking orange juice he's like dude you gotta get out of this yeah that's gonna be me and my daughters like someone knocking on the door like hey guys it's been two months you guys haven't left the house we're like yeah we're not doing so hot in here the dogs for all eating their own shit although it would be nice you know to get that second wife going yeah what do you think you'd get do you think that's a real smile I think you've got let me put the question back on you yeah if you get another luxury card you know which one you'd want I have a few yeah could you get kind of a dummy right not all this hardcore Tommy yeah hardcore dummy yeah like hardcore dummy that Dalmatian wife that's what you cook yeah huh and she's like this is that bat I've had some shoes that are there like eight hundred dollars and you're like that's cool and then she just doesn't say anything else and then she's like did you need a blowy and you're like yeah yeah yeah and then she blows you and then she's like I'm going shopping again and then she just takes off and it's just like what's the model you want how do you want what do you want her to look like blond hair blond blond hair young I want like like but when I say young young for me like thirty like thirty would be perfect good she's grown-up enough right did not want to go to parties yeah but she's like I need I want to I want to have a pool yeah is she educated mmm I mean it's not a must I wouldn't mind like just like a foreigner Oh like a four yeah yeah like like I wouldn't mind Russian but like kind of wowed by all the day oh yeah I want a barracuda wife it was all blown away by the razzle-dazzle you're right it's like shiny things what bird show me remote control turns on the thing like always Alexa yeah I like we have a servant yeah I missed I know what I'm doing good it's pretty good it's somewhere in Eastern Europe but I want I said I had a premise I was working on that um I don't want to cheat on my wife but I do want to impress someone else yeah but cos Leanne you can't impress her like at all like she's never impressed well I got the girls got upgraded on the flight from home from Australia and then we had Leanne wasn't and she was about you I was yeah I wasn't fine first class definitely and so no but I was staying in Australia they were going home so alright 300k okay and I said and I called American Airlines and I go how much to just pay for the last seat she goes it's $1,500 I go oh okay we're definitely doing it and the ends like whoa why are you gonna sway stiff teen hundred bucks I'll just sit in coach and I go no the two girls were in first class for free you sit in first class for 1500 bucks and she's like I would rather the 1500 bucks and I was like no you wouldn't trust me like I just want the girl that goes 1,500 bucks add to it but yeah you know like I want to impress like that I just can't impress Leigh Ann nothing impresses her and so I would love that well is it that not it's not that nothing impresses her is it that the things that you want to impress her don't impress her she's impressed by something she's entirely different no I don't think she's impressed by anything by me I don't think there's any part of me that she's like wow like really yeah yeah like even like you know doing a theater like she's just like oh it's great but it's not like I want someone to be like come in like I'm gonna be like whoa you how many people are in here and I'm like 1,200 and they're like 1,200 people know who you are like a lot of people feel like that but yeah but my wife the one person just why don't you just get another wife like it knows what we're talking about all right so two fantasies one god forbid something happen and I get a new wife that's not about what god forbid god forbid other one okay I've got this a bunt she's crossing the street and a motorcycle hits her now I say motorcycle because not gonna do too much damage but I wanted to go into a coma [Laughter] yeah so she goes into a coma the doctors go what do we do and I go we're gonna rebuild her all right start with her tits they were a double D before let's build them up and we just complete and total blasting start dude it's this way hey how many calories we feed her cut that now here we go dude this would be great for your career like do you realize if she was in a coma you could get away with absolutely anything and people's like give the guy a fucking break alright his wife got she was hit by a motorcycle Jesus Christ and then you could just say anything anything nobody would ever get on your case man drive home come back and just kill bill that ass she's in bed nurses like he's such a doting father he goes and checks on her I said hey I'm coming out with a towel wipe it up hey guys clean up room seven by the way that that is considered rape yes yes not if it's your wife no it is yeah she can't give consent would you like them to pull the plug and can you fuck your holes you want some chips no I can't this is the fuckin whore disciple I haven't laughed this hard in a really long time I thought what do you like oh dude you always look good I cannot say no to Cheetos pops yeah I cannot say no to Cheetos pops all right let's try if we can to uh rank these know what we're gonna do is say that these are comedians and explain why these are comedians yeah explain what comedian this is like like for instance just gonna get racist I realize as I picked this up I was like all right Steve Trevino [Laughter] alright never mind is oh my god man hey we uh whoo drinking water yeah I just started drinking water uh I mean it's pretty good stuff right ever since we got a pool I my showering is cut probably by 7/8 what do you mean I just stopped showering that's a good thing so you the pool is your shower get in the pool that's a shower you stop showering you also stop brushing your teeth I haven't brushed my teeth because I just I don't think about it I'm not getting out of the shower to brush my teeth I brush my teeth this morning psych it was like if he might say something here without that I floss a lot that way it's important how long had you go without brushing your teeth I'll call him you're gonna I thought you gonna check your calendar like you write it down no no this is the new grossest thing ever about you dude wait Kali in my teeth I married she said last night her for sex she was like hey brush your teeth I was like cuz we bent the lake by the way I was at the lake I wasn't showering in the let the lake I was like if I get in the lake I'm clean that's my shower ah I always ride totally and that's a florida thing but you up in Florida you don't think that nah you're a beer no I got shit today I'm going to Queen tonight Queen yeah at the forum no shit yeah me and the girls I'm trying to figure like Queens they know hey what's the longest I've ever gone without brushing my teeth we were talking about how I kind of haven't showered in a while but I threw shower today because I can't the pool of showers Lee Anne hey Lian hey is his bird a good lover well no I didn't but he was saying that he's a terrible lover I did not know that about him but he said he hasn't been brushing his teeth or showering lately and that is usually tied to mental illness it's not lately for the last like 17 years so I wouldn't call it lately Jesus weight consistently so like when they when the girls were toddlers you'd be like you have to brush your teeth Burt you too like that i floss a lot though that's what counts have you ever heard have you heard his fantasy about you being in a coma I bet you're a better lover than you were saying you were I don't know what me great if she would bet totally bash you if you guys write a script where I listen to shoot a porn of if you could fuck one porn star who would it be I've never actually watched a porn before so okay uh let's start with isn't it the words when you meet adults like there's three adults in my life right now we're like a I've never actually see Pete Holmes if he doesn't watch porn but no I'm saying I've met adults adults who are like I've never actually seen one frame before him like what are you talking about have you never ever seen any of it I've seen gay porn like Jesus or gangbangs gagging bangs I've seen everything I've seen stuff that makes you go that's not technically porn like that's just gross of CO that's janicoo porn you ever seen tentacle porn mm-hmm oh by the way tentacle porn is weird until it gets you turned you on and you're like wait what the fuck am i watching aliens stuck to the roof right asian chick walks in all of a sudden tentacle drops from the roof call it's it's a it's a complete in total can you just pull up one tentacle porn tentacle that's anime oh my god that's anime I saw this alien one that Josh showed me Josh Potter showed me from area 51 what tentacles corrupt new tenant okay what's this let's see oh yeah this is good tentacle porn this is real let me see what's going on oh so these are like the she's like she's really enjoying it yeah it's there's not bad except it's fucking pixelated it is Oh cuz it's in Japan why would they pixelate that they have a weird law about that ten it was corrupt new tenant she checked it she looked at she got that remand at that apartment and then found out there was an alien tentacle porn after a while you're like you're like okay this makes sense I can see how this is hot yeah I don't know this mix and porn is the one that I and you like blousing down blousing down blousing yeah down blessings fucking hot you can't find good down blousing on pornhub all the good down blessings on YouTube because then you know it's like the moons on YouTube you like whoa that's just a straight up porn oh the one with the girl bent over yeah yeah on YouTube looks like it nice oh whoa go back go back someone's getting in a boat that turns me on down blousing one how the views on these oh that so this is shot just for what you're talking about this is just shot for yeah and it's just like and share who comments on these I mean they're about to shoot a porn right like this is little no I think she thinks she's a model there we go that's good down blousing this gets you going I just it's it's the only look at that that's that's a oh she's gonna do wet down blousing how great would it be of an alligator attacked her right now that'd be actually pretty great would you as a cameraman do you keep filming you know 100% you're gonna go about my barbash person if you don't she's not a good swimmer she's not vectoring you on a little bit so why did we hit pause where does it go to like when you suggest I was they scrub it though is she just like she just gets out okay he bends over and her tops wet isn't this the part where the guys like well you seem lost here help you get back you got to really trust a guy to go out to the woods and shoot this with you me that oh there's an undercut of underboob oh yeah that's a nice shot you ever do something like that where you take a girl out to the woods and you're like you're not going back and less nobody did tell you about the time my buddy kidnapped those girls right no I can't say his name you asked me to stop saying his name dude is the fucking is it's the funniest story post in the moment it was not funny let's just call Tom okay okay so we were we were at he was getting ready to graduate I was getting ready to graduate both like six-year seniors and he's like what do you want to do I said let's go over the house women over the tourney house to do go hang out and it turned out they're having a social that's how old we were we don't even know they're having a social so we pull up in his car his cars filled with laundry cuz he's getting ready to move to California pull up in his car and these two girls come bouncing out young freshmen bouncing out see his headlights and go and start yeah turn your fucking headlights off and he's like who the fuck were these chicks that's one realize driving a social and he's like god dammit man what's wrong with people that they would come out into a car they don't even knows in the car they're gonna fucking take that aggression and then he just turns his lights off roses windows down he goes hey - say something the girls like what he goes you girls wanna party and they're like who are you and he goes I'm tom no he goes - who are you it he goes doesn't matter come on let's go party and they're like what do you guys got and he's like weed you want to smoke weed they're like we're gonna smoke weed he was like get in and like okay and he looks at me goes can you believe they just get in my fucking car and I go I know but you're in the card him in the car and the end by the way this guy does not smoke weed so I'm like what the fuck where's III smoke B I don't have any weed so to get in a car and he kind of backs out they're like where you going so we can't get higher in front of our house we're gonna get in trouble and they're like okay so then he pulls out on Tennessee Street starts going down 10th Street Street and they're like where are you going he goes we want to get away from the house don't wanna get high near the house you know so they takes a left by the stadium which is now pretty far away and they're like wait where you gonna use you guys got money and then why and he goes when we got to buy the weed they're like you don't even have weed and he was like no we got to go buy some weed and they're like oh this is more than what we wanted can you turn this car around and he goes yeah I'll do that and they go no seriously turn it around now and he goes you know give me fucking directions and she goes dope you turned the car around now while I swear to god I'm gonna scream as loud as I as I can and he pulls the car over and he turns around he goes scream as loud as you want no one's gonna hear you these girls faces dropped I freaked out my goat Tom and he goes don't say my fucking name don't say my fucking name and I go dude I turn around I go listen my name is Bert I work for safe escort you're 100% fine nothing's gonna happen to you he's joking around Thomas and he goes quick change our names don't we have to kill him and I go Tom please stop please stop he then takes these girls we were live I to us and to where our apartment is right mm-hmm they are freaking the fuck out I'm coming them down they get to where our apartment complex is they jump out of the car they run into his apartment I swear to god they run into his apartment and like a random door oh they just run up the stairs to his like condo I'm like - what the fuck is wrong with you goes bent I probably saved their lives I probably saved their fucking lives I said when he goes they were safe with me know who's gonna happen but we scared them enough now they're never getting anyone in a stranger's car and I'm like we're in your apartment they're in your apartment cuz I know I know I need you to go up just we'll get them home safe you take care of it I'm not gonna deal with it I go up and they are with his two roommates who they happen to know and they ended up fucking this two roommates that night it's a lovely story he came over to my house he said can you believe that did he learn a lesson I thought I saved a life then they fucked do - - McBay I think no mames there I went to a fucking this is crazy I was in Philly and like dirty Philly you know so Philly like like with some real fucking these guys were having a horseshoe tournament and and like all the dudes had like weird fucking nicknames that all had to do with coke like and like I member just being there with the one guy I know and he's introduced me he's like this big Willie style this is this guy and I'm like he's like this is 8-ball this is okay and all the dudes seemed like scumbags ya know and it's I was and I know nothing about whore I'm just with my friend I'm like all right I'm just hanging out and he's like oh shit here's fucking Kevin these guys are fucking bad guys I'm like why are they here he's like they love horseshoe so they come up and they basically tell us that they kidnapped a girl like there they're like they're like we we fuckin so this girl was at the airport and she was lost so we uh she was lost what kind of fucking human being sees someone in need and goes this is my opportunity these guys and they took her out on a boat and yeah she's not here anymore oh god that's what I just want my daughters to be no no no they didn't kill her I just want my daughters to be we're enough to notice when bad shit's happening yeah when bad shits lining up and just not to meet like pariahs like these guys though which they probably will so this is Steve and then this is who's this well this is I just realized as soon as I did this they're all like like Mexican flavored so I was like this is just gonna be they're going to think of who this is who like this is like Pablo this Steve this is I don't know but this is fluffy fluffy yeah yeah yeah fluffy zapped was the he did the old face app did you see fluffy yeah yeah you see his caption no what was it that was funny he's like he put the old face on it was like me waiting for waiting for Netflix to me if I got season 2 of my show I meant for I've only met fluffy once oh he's the fucking greatest he's apparently I don't know anything about him he was very fucking nice but he walked up go to his Instagram he walked up and he he's another guy we were talking about he's just fucking destroying it oh yeah I mean just next-level like I don't think I don't think me and him could have a conversation about ticket sales ya know like I don't like I don't think he that's great he's gonna be a comic column going to Comic Con this weekend no he's um he does like arenas and amphitheater state fairs I'm so crazy I'm that in your future no I don't in Miami other I'm like I'm really cool with the Chicago theater yeah yeah it's great yeah I mean I'm like I can't understand how you do 10,000 seats it's just insanity well I mean I definitely think there's a mean I was breaking that up right like I think I don't think I should do a state fair as a matter of fact they told me I shouldn't do it I think your comedy is best at like at like 3,000 seats yeah because those are the people that will get it are gonna get it so I don't want people I don't want people that don't know who I am to come to a show like tent out 15,000 of them just do you think that do you think that and I'm sure fluffier Jo koy would to have different answers but do you think when they do like a 10,000 seat er do you think everyone there knows who they are it's impossible right it's gotta be like they're offices that go I think most people at those shows definitely know who they're seeing I mean they have to they have to they wouldn't sell tickets yeah no one no one buys but I also I also think it changes from like those guys will also do the improv and they'll do the theater I think when they do a huge venue like a arena it becomes it's not so much a comedy show as it's an event it's like what did you do this spring I saw I saw jo koy special the one he did in Hawaii and I'm telling you that I mean I all I can speak really to is the first 15 minutes but like that first 15 minutes where he was talking about Asian people that's a club joke I mean it's like yeah built it yeah yeah I mean I can't really everything else I think is probably a venti but that one the fucking it's club material he's doing in a fucking arena like it's intimate fun energy in a fucking arena I just don't I'm yeah I don't know that dude has a lot of energy too so do you though it's weird man I can't I watch people like you guys and I'm like Jesus how do they fucking but what what you just have like so much energy like the way you perform I'm like Jesus like it seems like you're fucking amped up it took me a year I gotta be honest with you I remember you telling me when you're like when you go to theaters it's a different act I remember you telling me that and I was like I'm really talking about that first I would say the first 10 times I did theatres I was standing in the center yeah and then I got to a comedy club and I realized oh I don't have any room to move around yeah look I got really comfortable with the theater stage of moving and using the stage I really love doing theaters now tears are great yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah this is where the podcast everyone's like go back to the time Tom had sex tell us about the tall Asian oh yeah well I was gonna say then then the shortest were at two that were for 11 like the bagel guy like bagel guy yeah is in the video you couldn't see how short he was until he did started doing press and he went into Jim and Sam and he is like Jim Norton towers over him and you're like oh you are yeah but did you see I watched all hit like he is of you did a lot of press he did a lot of press Jesus he did a lot of press and I mean well I don't think what's interesting is he's so you think you can fuck him up yeah yeah I mean I think once I got past the the dog barked he has cuz he talks very confident yeah but then once that other guy who didn't seem like he was trained in fighting it all was like you're done talking to people like that and held him on the ground oh my god I wonder if you be any different if you were like 411 I feel like you'd had the same personality oh I you'd be killing it as a 411 guy do you ever think about I've thought about that so often who you would be in different sizes with like would I be Who I am if I had a full head of hair and I was skinny like if I was gorgeous what I still have my personality no and I do comedy no no you'd be selling like roofing little sailboat yeah fucking bang intense dipping my finger and pussy every night fucking drinking cold beers and smoking cigarettes it doesn't yeah what if you were like six-six you know Oh with that big fucking knee dick all the weight oh no comedy no I'm gonna do comedy at all I probably but if you were fucking 411 you do how many sorrows for loving I'd be much funnier than I am now yeah I think I'd be fucking hilarious I'd be half a big belly yeah big like pregnant belly and everybody and you do own being the little fellow the problem is that guys just gotta own being belittled you know I watched one of his videos of him walking into a 7-eleven did you watch out yes apart and the guy and apparently this Middle Eastern guy just goes how tall are you yeah and he's like he's like you know fucking disrespectful that shit is I came here by coffee come to you from the guys like Alex man I don't want to be sorry I thought you walked in a spectacle I saw fuck you yeah dude he's yeah is this him here I love that give a shout out to Rogan put your headphones on oh we got to plug it in he gave me a shout-out to Rogan to do Rogen's podcast he did yeah he's like Joe Rogan let's do this and I'm guessing Joe didn't respond okay I had to jump up to tap that into the keyboard here this is this the 7-eleven one it is right okay I come in here to get a coffee and to get a donut it's May 5th 2009 he put the doughnut on the counter fuckin 5:30 in 1 7-eleven Kenner that's fucking disco that's the most alarming part of this video is just sitting there on the counter yeah that gas right he asked me what is my height know what do you gotta say about that look at this guy he's like by the way everyone when he does a selfie video everyone gets a hero shot yeah I come in here to give I give you guys a lot of business right a lot of business I just can't whoa hold on a minute I just bring this to the counter right to pay for my shit you don't say hi how you doing the first thing out of your mouth is what's my height where are you from what country you from what country are you from I know I don't believe you fuck I don't believe your motherfucking sorry you know it all I could think the entire time was what kind of fucking idiot working at 7-eleven just doesn't wait until he exits the door and looks at the height thing on the side and goes huh how do you like me asking you a question like that you don't like it do you this guy's this is me and you you're the guy with the mustache mm is 411 there you go never wiser now what do you get out of the answer what are you trying to cut no way answer the question what are you trying to accomplish what are you trying to accomplish out asking me a question like that that pisses me off what country are you from by the way this isn't this is just scratch the surface of this conversation this guy talks like he's got fucking six foot one big dick energy yeah yeah I know he also Pam this guy is so emotionally destroyed you know like to be this angry he's just fucking beat up man you want me to go outside I'll go outside I didn't tell you what's going on every every this is the second look I had a big account that I lost over bullshit I have my own cleaning company I'm really upset at that now we're gonna my call because I didn't get all my label I love this guy over shares always always always has like you go what's going on he goes ok first of all I lost a big account and you're like yeah somebody's setting you up they're like I'm gonna justify the horrible shit I'm about to tell you it's like it's like whenever your buddy's got a venereal disease and they would and that was the you any conversation they'd horseshoe that in you know a lot of people have HPV right you're like wait but where do you want to eat again once you treat me like shit so okay so my landlord treated me like shit now I'm living on my car I lost a big account I'm getting to that anyways this fuck behind the counter yeah when I worked the big account in Farmingdale about two reaches over two in the morning when they get a coffee this guy goes how tall you now I come in here and this guy asked me what is your height this guy I can't even come in here and get a fucking coffee we're being harassed okay I'm depressed enough as it is I told you how I am right now what are you gaining out of that you did say that but I don't believe it two minutes late no I'm not really sorry what I want to file harassment charges no such thing that's bullshit okay so let me ask you a question if I asked to draw bigger tits off is that harassment I love I love this butch Bradley cop right here I love it's fucking to in the more he actually said there's no such thing as a rest I don't believe his fucking sorry I want to file some kind of a report or something anything oh this guy I feel bad for him I know me too I'm saying like he's that he's obviously been it's gotta suck I would say beat up but he's always down there but he's been I feel top down too I'll tell you want to feel that that bad for that for tall people too because like we had this guy in our high school six seven and he dunk it he couldn't dunk he was shy but everywhere he went he was famous because people are like whoa how tall are you and he had social anxiety of course and he ended up getting ulcers from it from just being the way you are we had a kid in our school who was six seven on the basketball team and the first time I saw him I was like to say I was a freshman in high school he was a senior and of course it's like there's that spectacle where like you're fucking six seven yeah and then you see him playing basketball and he couldn't dunk and we were like you know you're a piece of shit oops you know God wasted all that Idol yeah the fuck man and he died he he did freshman year of college he slipped on ice hit his head and died I saw a woman at the stratosphere in Vegas we're shooting birth conquer a woman it started hailing out of nowhere like he just did I think it was just in the height and it all of a sudden the temperature change knock we're out and she and she slipped on ice and cracked her head and was like and popped back up she worked there back up and was like and we're like are you okay I mean you heard it it was like dropping a bowling ball on cement well I could you okay yeah yeah yeah I'm fine I'm fine she had a ponytail I think I hand on my ponytail pulls her hand around and blood is just pour all over hand and we're like I'd really just turned and walked away I was like some I'm not the party to this remember I showed you the tree-trimming accident yes did you see the aftermath no I don't know if I want to see the aftermath it's by the way the worst thing I've ever seen in my life just had to trim a tree days after that okay it's the word I don't know if you can show him it's a guy alive huh oh you did okay good good good save it for another day wait it's a guy live yes you you wouldn't want to be though I didn't know I thought you it's so bad it's the worst thing I've ever seen yeah I smile if you do read it if you do or if you do man killed in tree-trimming accident this is the way we said would happen to my gardener the other day you wish she died fucking I'm so mad at this guy you know that big bird of paradise we had in our backyard that kind of hid the alley and fucking got the noise and a half yeah he cut it down and so I spent all day yesterday fucking building a fence so that you couldn't literally walk in from the alley into our backyard yeah they're still thinking about this yeah so bad it's so so bad I don't don't if you female abortionist go down what's the abortion one female abortionist huh over armed abortionist and redditor gives every abort arborist you really are dyslexic ax dude have some fuckin Fluffy's I said arborist well I'll kill him anyway ah alright I'm gonna try to pull this up don't pull it up there's no reason to see it let's end on a good note what's it what's a positive thing we were just talking about did someone remember anything positive how do we want to see someone's face do you know what I was thinking a bit we could do because I was like I bet a lot of people been really hurt on those little scooters those lime scooters yeah I was like we should watch videos of people getting really really hurt and just not stop laughing cuz I fucking hate those people I hate those are those fucking lime scooters Oh have you done Wade I've never ridden one I never will ride one I'm never letting my kids ride one I think I can get this for you now I think I can pull it up I think I found it okay oh yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah fuck you're not gonna like it this is the only reason I want you to see it okay okay here we go it's so terrible it's so it's so terrible I've seen this I've seen that now in the video just hold on I know I know I know but I hated that I had that it in my head and I wanted I don't want to see it again I can't see it anymore what's something I have to live with now I know I know but it's been in my head and I can't stop just pull that back over and sew it right like a baseball dude I was like it's like it sits in my nightmares now whoo he's 54 oh it's a good run yeah you were just going back to trim the tree like you weren't you weren't in war or anything I'm not sure the tree real quick I remember hearing a story about a guy who's tried cutting his nails on a glass table and fell through the glass table and it cut his femur artery I think it's femoral artery right yeah for femural murmur like a firm wrong roll and he almost bled to death and he was naked and he was like I was just cutting my toenails I think I think of things like that where I go yesterday I had to fucking put I had to put up that fence and I just stand on a dead now cut out bird of paradise and inside that bird of paradise are our black widow spiders and so I had to cover myself totally so I didn't get bit by black widow spiders and then I thought I bet I'm focusing on black widow spiders what will kill me is something I don't see come in right and that's that is what keeps me up at night is like is is covering all your bases in death yeah like you go I'm looking for sharks what I'm not looking for is a Riptide do you know what I always have this like horrible you know when you try to get a thought out of your head it's that like I do that I fucking I'm on what's it called the when you go skiing the lift lift ride yeah that like I'm with my kids and someone's falling off the lift ride and I'm like trying to grab them and then then I see them fall so then I just jumped and kill myself oh I I've already thought about that if something yeah and with the girls rusev we were I thought it is yesterday we were in a car accident all the girls were in the car accident and I looked around and everyone's eyes were closed I just be like I'm out I'm fucking out Jesus Christ this is why I drink is because of these thoughts I can't stop thoughts from going into my head and I have a horrible wedding that is gonna be the phone call I get about you I feel like though that we like Bert died like what yeah a mountain lion killed him what what was he doing he was putting air in his tires oh my god I just don't want to die I don't want to die like I don't want death to be like that like you ever cut your finger cutting like onions and then as soon as you cut your finger bad you go oh I want a time machine so I can go back five seconds and godo cut onions just fuck yeah yeah yeah yeah don't that's the fuck I wonder how many people in this world could say yeah you know what don't go on that waterslide don't like just little things where they go I didn't know terror was right around the corner like my life would end for nothing I was just going on swimming in the ocean but the thing is you can't do that you know no one can do that no one can turn it back no one can say I wish I hadn't you just did when I fell off that waterfall in with your back right dude I mean I thought that instant I landed I thought it broke back immediately I was like I broke my back I broke my back do you still broken blame Jews for that or is that like no it's amazing it's amazing I wish I'm gonna tell you something over there but it's amazing oh no but that but well I remember the second I landed I go I just wish I could go back five seconds and go don't let go of the rope or don't fall don't reach for the GoPro like that just an accident oh I don't want to go out bye what would you rather do ready go out you going out at 55 years old do you want it to be an accident or something that you find out you got it fifty and it you die at 55 mmm I don't know man maybe the accident yeah I wouldn't mind having an accident at 55 I definitely don't want that shit to happen though I'm never even gonna get near a tree new that is so fucking common it's it's you know what it is it's the it's like it's you just don't see the little thing the little thing you just like you put the rope on top of it and then you cut under it and you don't think it through you're like huh what I told you by the time I want to shot my hand off no so Liane before I bought my guns LeAnn had a gun and I was not cool through everything she had hollow points like you okay do you ever last you have hollow points the things what you buy to kill people do you worry at all or what was the process with the girls of like hey don't touch these you guys have to like say that yeah Georgia was like I'm still let down that you didn't buy a gun oh so she was like oh what's going on in a country with firearms and you go out during all of this and buy a gun and I was like hey why don't you go to your fucking room and then ila was I was like you never touched my gun and she goes unless I have to right I was like no she's like what if like robbers have you a mom tied up don't you want me to sneak around get your gun and kill him and I'm like no fucking John wick I'm good and she goes well okay then I'm gonna need to touch it a little bit right now I was like what yeah I'm gonna end it there time I put this in my act but yeah she was like I if I never touch your gun if I never touch it I'm gonna probably come and touch it but if you let me touch it and get it out of my system then I won't need to touch it yeah yeah I was like yo pull trigger so um no but so Leanne this is a perfect example of what we're talking about so Leanne has like a little 40-45 like a Saturday night special 38 whatever yeah the little pistol gun you know with the like you brushing her that gun right so it's loaded two revolvers a revolver loaded with hollow points and ice and I I'm in my closet in the closet before we redid the house and I get the gun and I had been in in Omaha and I had bought a lock for the gun so I put the lock on the gun right so I the lock basically goes on the trigger so you can't pull the trigger so I put it on I lock it I'm holding the gun like this and I go I wonder if I can I wonder if I can actually pull the trigger and so I go to pull the trigger and I stop I go hold on one second let's think this through and I realized the gun is pointing into my hand and I have the lock in front of the trigger I had put the lock on in front of the trigger had I pulled it I would have shot my fucking hand off and immediately I was just like I was going to pull the trigger and I went hold on before I do that I should probably think this through I'm in a closet like he didn't put the lock behind put the lock in front of the trigger I'd locked it in front of the trigger and I had it pointed into my hand and I went to pull the trigger to see if I could pull it and I went well hold on let's think this through and I stopped and then I by the way I'm like oh my god it's important I would have just shot my fucking hand off it's still pointing in my hand I'm like I'm fucking put the gun down I sat on my bed and I just started going like I almost shot I'm dying I'm like I'm almost shot my fucking hand off and I was like ok I don't and then I went bought two guns it's a problem with me what you get would you end up getting a Glock and a mas burgers mouseburgers whatever I don't know I fucking broke it it's a shotgun I you broke it I didn't break it but there's a bullet stuck in it and I don't know how to get it out and so I'm just like I don't fucking put in the garage I put a bullet in it I thought I got the one that goes like this but I can get the one I got the one that just goes and so I put a bullet in it and a shell right you shell yeah Sheppard he shot it and then I fucking I don't know how to get it out okay maybe take it back to the gun store yeah I wouldn't try to fix it on your own no just take it out back at night pointed at the ground oh yeah just walk inside the routier that you hear sirens immediately at you let's go the gun struggle did your firearm I can't hear you what did you Isla shot a gun the other day oh my god well um do you want to see something I've edited this I'm not gonna post it because it's but you want to see this this is going to freak you the fuck out so this is Isla okay so we go out we're in Alabama and we're like eyelas like we shoot guns I was like yeah she goes i'ma shoot a gun and I was like okay so we get a shotgun at 22 20 gauge uh-huh this is Isla who's this guy it's her cousin okay that's the here this is her actually shooting yeah yeah that's her just pointing it at us she swings it around here hit play this is her shooting gun okay she's she turned around right like I'm good I'm ducks he's that shot it was and she's like I'm good I don't ever need to do that again Georgia wouldn't shoot it Sickler has video he went to like clay pigeon shooting yeah he's he's at range and he's in that he's never gone before and he got he ends up he shoots and then he puts it he's like swinging I would do that twice we go Isla she's got the gun like this she goes yeah dude I lose how little I knew about guns Rogan and I went and shot guns for my Travel Channel show so my cameraman John man is there and I go hey man let's get a cool shot he goes what is that gonna stand right there and he goes okay so he's got his camera up my guns unloaded and I point the camera at the gun I go you better why we should go shoot skeet they have this great skeet shooting thing and we were Joe and I went and you just go and it's you walk the hills yeah you get to a place you hit a button and use here you know yeah I love it it's fun yeah did you hear what Georgia when we were at the campfire and they were playing Smasher pass what Georgia said about you what was it oh we were doing smashing past my daughter's play a game called Smasher pass they don't realize that it means fuck or not fuck what do they think it means the smash is like they grew like and would you ship it is their terms it's like the terms kids used ship it ship it means like like Justin Bieber gets a new girlfriend do you ship it oh I ship it if there's wins in the sale I ship it means like I'll let it that I believe they should be together okay and so I think Isla believes smash means like are they shippable would you ship it with that guy Jesus and so I said smash your pass I said a bunch of names I said a bunch of names I had to take down because I didn't post because they were just fucking brutal like comics I'll tell me as soon as we cut and but I said Tom Segura Smasher pass and Georgia goes pass that would be like I would be like hooking up with you oh yeah pass do we did we created Smasher Pass kill it or drill it kill it or drilling kill it or drill it that was the fucking to this day we should bring back some of those games hey can we get a presidential candidate on here sure I'm sure they would love this platform yeah we have one with a good sense of humor like Elizabeth Warren you think she has a good sense Oh she'd be fucking we gotta get someone who's definitely not gonna get nominated they'll do it yeah there's got to be a fucking outlier that we can champion yeah guys make that happen I wanted I wanted to I wanted to do but gig no I said his name so good in the fucking lobby you did booty egde booty yeah something like that booty edge what do you think he think he's like he'll go I already know my answer I don't know I think he's not only he's interesting enough you need a little razzle dazzle who's got the razzle dazzle for you no one's got razzle dazzle that's why I say we find a candidate that we support and we help them razzle dazzle would you consider would you ever run for office a hundred percent yeah I would be I would be I wouldn't mind being I would start off I would like this and so if our presidential candidate wins I want to be like an ambassador somewhere my first I want to start off as an ambassador and then work my way up to a defense secretary because if you want you to defense secretary you get big money from those fucking people that make bullets and stuff yeah big money that's he would make bullets do you like that I'm I would take the angle of would you take the angle that Barack Obama took or would you take like which is like the the great great great like like be the good guy or would you take the like the dirtbag drain the swamp guy like I want to be a lobbyist I want to be I want to work in defense industries I want to get it you know yeah be that guy I'll be that guy too yeah of course and then I would find my soul like in some African village kids no arm came up to me and I'd be like I did this my brother would be like come on Natali's we can't be that sort would be like Burt you're a good guys collateral damage don't it you didn't do this hey fuck it did do I did this and they're like come party with us it's Norton brown brown and some fucking shantytown fucking whores man I'll try imagine a world where you're the Secretary of Defense guys sleep tight tonight Bert's on the job okay I understand that I always shot my hand off with a gun in the closet but that will not happen to this country oh yeah we need to find a presidential candidate I want I would love to find a good Democrat we could get behind by an oath I think we're gonna need to get an independent possible oh yeah I don't know if that's a huge field right now there's like 20 of them 20 independents no no no I'm talking about of the Dems there's so many like in that they'd to break that up that first debate in a separate you know I mean they say they say Kamala Harris is who we want that's who says everywhere I hear people say come all the Harris is who we want by the way I want someone I want someone from the left that talk shit to this Kamala Harris do that yeah she talks a lot of shit like it yeah ya know it if if she is the nominee the debates will be the highest viewed of all I mean there'll be highly of you no matter what but she will talk a lot of shit and he will too and you know she's she black yeah that's how much I know about this fucking presidential candidacy um you know that she pisses him off enough he'll be like you black bastard like you dumb black bitch and then people be like oh my god yes we're all thinking it we're all people he will definitely he'll definitely say something for sure I guarantee you I guarantee okay what what are some things that Donald Trump would say to Kamala Harris that would be the things that that would like no no can I say something real quick yeah you need to brush your teeth again yeah yeah yeah I just got a whiff I swear can you imagine fucking me and smelling that hands like let's just do a doggy style that she likes was that no Rihanna's so you know I did last night as she was playing with my dick but she just does it like she's rolling dice what am I supposed to do with that I go now find a place to wipe ur dude there's a girl in in Australia god dammit I wish I knew he fucked a girl in us no oh she made this thing called like a woodcock wood sock it's basically jackets for your dick it's a joke like you put your dick in a hoodie and so I put my dick inside a hoodie last night it's I almost sent you a picture of it it is so fucking funny and but I did that to Leanne before we started having sex and Leanne laughed so fucking hard and then that was our like intro oh that was like I was trying to get it into the thing and it's too small I would couldn't get my dick I was like having to cram it in and she said what are you doing what are you doing down there where are you because she didn't like sex toys at all yeah it's like you better not be putting some toy on or something I go no trust me you'll like it she goes no I don't I don't like it I just want it to be me and you I don't want there to be something I go stop pissing and moaning I think you'll like it she was like no I goddamn it what is it and then I finally got on I go I was a little cold I just thought my dick could use this and it's in a hoodie with the arm sticking out in the hood going over my dicks Edie and she laughed so fucking hard and I wish I could take a picture I send it to people but I was it lamp or was it like ready to go it's right it was it was kind of ready to go it was a fluffed it wasn't 100% yeah but I had to like literally are you gonna try dick pills no no I I'm terrified of them because because of strokes no strokes are one thing yeah strokes are definitely one thing Josh said they're amazing he did it this weekend wait which one did he do viagra no I did like the cheap stuff they say there was just an article yesterday it's called bigger dick I think that's what it's called a big dick and you you take the pill and it fucking works they go it works so good you need to stop because it's not there like it's it's uh is that it or something says XL bigger it was just in the hit news hit news it was just an article on it yesterday it's probably probably to change those heroes got is the ninth grader looking for this but there was a guy one time reptile pills or something you know there was just it was just in the news yesterday there is big penis that's the name of it it's called big penis works too well why is it work how it was was it say I have no I didn't I stopped reading halfway and because I heard a story of a guy who took viagra one time and they say you know if you if your erection doesn't go away read it tell us what it says yeah the resurrection doesn't go away after 2 hours please consult operation so like 2 hours goes by goes I'm sure it's just fine go sleep wakes up his dick still fucking hard he's like ok maybe I'll call the doctor the doctor is like yo you should have called us at two hours we're now where you need to come in immediately so they bring them in immediately they give him something to counteract the pill doesn't fucking work now they're like alright fuck that you're ruining the blood vessels in your dick they slice his dick open like a hot dog that's been on the grill too long it splits open and they have to drain the blood that way and sew it up that way and that was what he got from taking a Viagra now listen I'm not saying you shouldn't take viagra so I'm just saying no who is it who said that who's that happened - I don't know I just read it somewhere FDA laboratory analysis confirmed that big penis contains Syl Syl Dena Phil the active ingredient viagra this undeclared ingredient may interact with nitrates found some and may lower blood pressure people with diet okay so it's basically that it's supposed to be an over-the-counter pill that actually has the active ingredient in viagra is that right yeah it's supposed to be all natural okay so you should be getting a prescription for this and they're just selling it over-the-counter right yeah yeah that's cool Josh you got to try to get that shit man yeah wait this viagra make your dick bigger than it already is no I think it's just an immediate hard you've never used it never used it but but he said it's like like he doesn't have a problem but he took and he's like it's like you're a fucking a diamond cutter you know like it's just straight-up I don't understand how it would be better to be more hard what do you mean like I'm already pretty hard let's say you're harder I was like being more pregnant no no what if she likes it that's half an inch that's a totally different story that start with that not it gets more hard I've my tires are inflated no again put more air in them but I don't notice the difference yeah but you know makes you a car taller well you gotta try this now right no I'll never try no dick pills no I matter of fact I want to go on the hair pills so that I can would you ever do the injection where they inject your dick no you can try it no I don't I don't need what do you do with hair pills I want err pills to fucking fill my Erin why don't you do the one where they stab your head uh I've thought about that you know who did that guess I probably can't say yeah I know a couple well-known people that have done it really yes okay we should end this podcast so that I can find out who it is because I heard that plasma injections I heard they work let me see the back yeah it's okay it's aligning nicely you can't have a nice haircut though yeah just get a cut yeah just got a cut who cuts it this guy Romy Romy quartier do you do you cut your own hair yeah now what do you think my beard though right now my beard looks good you did that too yeah this is me I grew it out it was getting really long and then I just trimmed up the sides to like a 10 really long I've been having a hard time longer it grows the more less gray it looks hmm I'm definitely need a trim it to not look gray a lot of great beers man there was this many great beers when we were kids what I know it's great it was more beard so when I was beard sale a weekend we're not gonna end up doing sober October's what I'd pick it up on right why because I don't feel like anyone's gonna really do anything okay I mean it doesn't seem like it like we all talked about it everybody's like now I don't want to do this I don't wanna do that so it's like okay yeah okay Romeo in the prior patch okay but I still think at some point doesn't have to be October we should have a dance-off wait yeah we should definitely a dance-off wait hold on I haven't heard anything that Joe doesn't want to do it no no I'm not saying that I'm saying that like everybody pitched ideas nobody was like that the way I do running no one agreed to that I chose into it I'm into it I've been running 5k a fucking day to get ready for running what are you talking about been running 5k a day since austra since Bali my first day in Bali I said I'm out of five cakes it was a things were switched over to kilometers I was like a murmur 5k a day wasn't running a 5k you're talking about are you referring to like our last conversation on the podcast that we did go on his yeah yeah yeah but I mean no we didn't all sign off on right we will though okay yeah well it's we got to do something physical I'm sure I'm into fucking weight lifting I mean I want the thing I like about summer October is it kind of saves me like gives me that one to go like all right like I like I don't I don't I don't need to fucking party I can get healthy what would the challenge be if we do weightlifting I don't know but I wouldn't mind fucking doing a cycle of roids I wouldn't mind doing that getting fucking some bone mass dozen yoked out shirts don't fit anymore for different reasons dude people like whoa man you look fucking big we're shooting specials in November we should definitely look good we should definitely do so October will do running and fitness let's do an all-round fucking let's do an all-encompassing let's let's let's do a a list of things we have to accomplish you know now I see like within the month all you got to do is you got to hit everything within a month so like for example you're like yeah this month I want to run 80 miles like right like that's what you're saying like you say you can say 80 miles within the month you got to do three thousand push-ups you got to do three like all these things that if you did them all you would be in fantastic shape and so and so that would be and that's the and that's the challenge and so like that's not a that's not a bad one I mean I don't know hmm yeah I don't think you should try to do three thousand push-ups I did I did I was doing 100 push-ups a day no no it was doing 100 pushups a day in Australia and my bar I don't think my body was like yeah you're fucking this is the first day I did it my tit I feel like I ripped my tit oh I banged up fifty super good like nice and then I fucking was down on my knees for the last 20 okay I'm just looking at my schedule what do you for those of the day I'm actually going to work out from here and then and then I got to come back here yeah you do it another podcast yeah whoo drew oh really yeah Drew's in great shape he's in great shape yeah he'd definitely get us some roids yeah he's got a big piece on him too I bet he fucking does that's called white privilege yeah God white guys with big dicks and now that's what I'm hope I'm gonna help get him to talk about it today wait are you doing the podcast you're doing your mom's help yeah yeah nice yeah and then what's rest your day I'm going to Queen tonight and then I go to La Jolla this weekend are you working there no with the family taking our fourth vacation of the summer that's great man we have had such a fun time my we get along like my family gets along so fucking well right now and George is 15 Eilis 13 I know it's going to shit next year because it'll be like they won't want to be with us but we have had so much fucking fun Isla and I speak French to each other but just in accents because it makes Li am in Georgia mad it's fun like yeah I love and Leanne and Georgia are it dude it's been fun so Wordsworth vacation 450 Bali Australia Alabama La Jolla and within six weeks and then we're done the girls go back to school I start the tour by chefs world tour to get to Berber calm actually I'm thinking about stop promoting my dates like what less is more oh yeah yeah yeah but uh you know we both have a fucking million dates coming up so I know all right so we're doing are we still going once a month on this or twice a month on this I think I mean last episode you said every week every week as long as we can make it don't do this it no it's not about August okay are you going more August no well bang a couple out okay this I'll tell you right now I'll tell you right now this first four minutes of this episode yeah has me I will I would do this every fucking day know if this was a lot of fun the first four minutes were the funniest fucking four minutes I've ever heard a podcast it's a lot of fun I would love to but to answer your question now that I think I'm gone three weeks in August okay yeah that's the only part it's really just about like we have to make an effort to do it that's all all right all right I'll get by the way I'm riding a bike from Philly to Atlantic City on yeah I know why cuz I cuz of my fucking bro logic I got some guy described from the person to Steve showcase how far is that yeah it was like it's like 70 80 miles I was like how far is it from Atlantic City did Philly but wait wait a minute you're doing this alone no I'm doing it with a group of people everyone's riding bikes from Atlantic City to Philly okay and they're like and he's like hey do you want to do this with it with me you know on our teams to raise money for the cops you know it sounds like yeah oh I love that kind of shit big tent pole activity yeah challenge myself physically and in my brain I go how far is it how many miles what is it 62 miles I go easy peasy right 62 miles all downhill isn't it all like fucking highways no haul downhill it's all done in my brain I go it's all downhill cuz you're going to Atlantic City that's sea level right yeah and then Philly's gonna be like what a thousand feet so it's just basically all downhill type in the out celebration of Philadelphia is my whole premise of this was that it was I would barely have to pedal because I'm going to its 39 fucking feet above sea level it's 39 feet above sea level so I am I was like it's got to be like a thousand feet above sea level right right and you'll just coast down like you're in a fucking Italian village going down like wet hair blown in the air they feed off the pedals what do you what are you doing this next weekend next weekend I'm doing it like I fuckin yeah we're going to the Borgata that night and then throwing a party at the Borgata of course you are yeah fuck yes if I can accomplish this 62 miles can't be that hard it is the Borgata after Philly farthest I've ever ridden my bike for the record is 14 miles in the in the triathlon and by the way I bought this bike two thousand dollar bike rode in it twice thread net ridden it twice I'm gonna I'm gonna ship it to Atlantic City for the third time all ever ridden it and then you wait you do Philly you do shows and then we'll show affiliate the met and then drive to it and then one guy 7:00 a.m. after that show and ride my bike to Atlantic City which I'm sure I'll get there by 8 o'clock in the morning if you're gonna do bro logic so what is it all downhill it'll be about an s 62 miles per hour to do miles I'll be there eight o'clock all right we will try to do this more often even yes and go to Burt Burt Burt calm go to Tom Segura calm for take it down tour listen to the Burt cast your mom's house watch other shows that are produced here dr. drew after dark the honeydew Christina started another podcast where my mom's at it's on her YouTube channel by the way that my wife was on first on the first episode that is a she your wife had me laughing so hard when she said you've never taken a Milwaukee steamer is that oke milkshake milkshake were you breastfeeding degage it at the same time yeah I couldn't stop fuckin lat that's a great episode yeah that's great and by the way I got to give a shout out to Josh Potter for the your mom's house original the fucking 45-minute interview amazing with a Robert Paul champagne oh that guy's fuckin more of that please yeah if you uh shit I haven't seen that Google to try it out guy and then go to our youtube channel and watch home here now with the Josh Josh show such a great job Justin did the interview was so good and by the way he's got tickets on sale he's doing Tacoma Portland in Seattle in September I think it's 5th 6th and 8th something like that right at Jay underscore Potter on twitter has links to okay we'll see you guys soon thank you I love you bye I love you

Channel: YourMomsHousePodcast

Views: 793,501

Rating: 4.8497548 out of 5

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast

Id: RtWa-Iwz6Xk

Length: 91min 2sec (5462 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 19 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/TheLanceBean]

this podcast is honestly peak segura and chrysler.

[u/pizzanado]

Poor LeeAnn

[u/Gatsby_James]

Tim's getting closer to ending Brent every week — the harder he makes him laugh the more life force he drains from Crystals

[u/fernandotakai]

after each episode i'm more sure that tom is gonna leave christine and bert is gonna leave leann.

and they are going to move in together and have hairy sex for the rest of their lives.

[u/Marijuana_Miler]

So far I’m five minutes in to the episode and Bert has been squealing the whole time.

[u/jaytee2400]

Let me know if anyone can find the podcast/comedian that Bert claims admitted to rape

[u/shounenbong]

For the scientists out there: the down blouse video Bart really liked. Note that it has 120k more views than it had when the Bears watched it.

[u/Deako87]

I used to be obese and if there's one thing I can recognise from this podcast are some of the noises these guys make.

The deep nose clearing, the wheezing and the excess saliva.

Hope these guys can get a handle on it , so they can live long and keep us entertained!

[u/IneedAbagOFpeanuts]

Is Bert being a shitty dad and husband just an ongoing bit? Hard to imagine someone doubling down that often can stay married.