Ep. 94 | 2 Bears, 1 Cave w/ Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer

i made a great orgasm female orgasm joke last night on stage yeah in front of my daughters whatever i played in the room did they uh did they enjoy it no did they bring it up afterwards i was like [ __ ] it what are you gonna do you know yeah i'm you want braces this is how daddy makes braces 100 to borrow a phrase from my co-host i am obsessed with liquidity that's the best didn't it's the best i flew out here um i just grabbed the packets from the pouch and you open a water you know throw some ice in there and throw one packet in and you're hydrating like basically at two times the rate than you would if you just drank regular water and especially during the summer months it just feels like i don't know you're just treating your body right you know it's like it's delicious you're getting all this extra hydration one stick of liquid iv in 16 ounces of water hydrates faster and more efficiently than water alone they have new flavors watermelon strawberry lemon lime it absolutely sounds like summer i use it in a i put it in water bottles i put it in like my what did you get your canteen my canteen i had one when i was at the borgata we were hungover saturday night sunday morning i had a liquid iv and it was like magic it's the best grab your liquid iv in bulk uh nationwide at costco or you can get 25 off when you go to liquid iv.com and use the code bears at checkout that's 25 off anything you order when you get better hydration today using promo code bears at liquid iv.com so um first of all you've healed great i'm my it's like i'm it's the mickey mental gene it really is can i tell you i was sitting there yesterday and i thought if i do die in this surgery yeah these podcasts are gonna be creepy they're gonna be super creepy um we should point out that yesterday you received this incredible prestigious honor the um variety uh com achievement and comedy award she's been in in a innovative [ __ ] thing i'll tell ya you know what it it but this is not a yearly thing they give this they've the last time they did it was like 15 years ago or something they did it the last person they got it was chris rock um and it was it's uh i'll tell you what it's called i haven't posted all my stories yeah you got it there you go creative impact in comedy and it was like for basically you you almost you came up with you spearheaded this whole um drive-in movie thing where like during the pandemic you i i think eliza created it and i just [Laughter] by the way by the way you know when people sent that to me yeah eliza was like she's on rogan and i love eliza i'm busting balls and if she can bust balls i can buzz balls i'm not trying to use my power dynamic as a male white privilege yeah yeah yeah the uh she cause by the way is when you make when you create something you're well aware you created it you know how you came up with the idea you know how hard it was to create something get it off the ground and all the people that it's so funny i don't know if you said it but like maybe we said it privately but you know they did a huge new york times write article celebrating all the people that created the drive in movie theater and i'd already done touring yeah touring and i'd already done like 30 cities yeah and uh and and a lot all the people they celebrated all contacted me directly all of them [ __ ] legit dudes yeah and women and women and obviously uh contacted me directly jim gaffigan called me up he said hey man i want to do this driving thing tell me about it uh brian regan hey man both of them is this yours are we are you cool if i do it that's the way and and i was like yeah 100 man i didn't come up with it to i didn't come up with it to make it my own i wanted i wanted to keep doing stand up i just wanted to keep doing stand up and i get and i just put out a special and i was like yeah i'm i just been warning that article doesn't mention you it mentions everybody but you everybody but me but you know what i have a cool there's a weird thing i like about what we do me and you talked about this a long time ago it's about flying under the radar like just don't don't [ __ ] be the guy that needs to get all the rewards right and then and don't be the guy talking too much just um but we do these but this is for fans but like fly under the radar so when that new york times article came out i was like all that matters is the people that know oh everyone in that article knows that i came up with the idea yeah and it's and it's not it's not like it's like a [ __ ] but then this is a real confirmation that you came up with the idea and that you you changed it and you also did it with an america first agenda yeah which is a pretty cool thing [Music] that you were like these shows are for people born here raised here i was like i want vaccination cards yep i want i need booth of citizenship and i want to know that you've been here for multiple generations yeah exactly exactly that dude that's [ __ ] cool dude you know what's so funny is uh is it uh it is because of that you know because a lot of the stuff i i did is that a necessity i talked about you on stage last night really yeah i really wish i could have been there i wish you'd could have listened by the way a lot of people were asking about you well this uh this is gonna be in podcasts for like two months even though it's coming off friday it's so annoying but i couldn't it goes on friday mine goes on thursday yeah yeah it's on friday everyone was asking about you i told the story i was i i said i'll reiterate it because no one's going to hear it but nindava's there and nadab if i if i go off book as i often do and and steer away from what we call facts on this podcast um bring me back but i said the the secret to my success is surrounding myself by more talented uh forward-thinking comics and i credited you burn rogan with a three just off the top of my head that i credited because rogan burr pulled me aside and said your tv show sucks it's unwatchable you're a better comic and you should do podcasts and uh and then i talked i've talked about this so much my favorite moment i've had with you in my life was i know where i was i don't know where you were when we talked about doing oddball and you were like and i told it on stage last night and i said uh this is by the way if you're lucky enough to get friendship like this [ __ ] hold on to it don't [ __ ] it up we were sitting there and i said yeah man all my 10 dates got pulled and you're like god damn it nice like i know cause we were going to hang out joey was on it it's gonna be so much fun eliza was on i think she created oddball and so by the way can i tell you [ __ ] one thing to eliza this is for you if you're watching eliza watched me do the watermelon and mustard challenge on rogan and the next day goes so i hear a lot of people are doing this mustard i go you just watch me do it so uh so by the level eyes i'm busting [ __ ] balls she's got a great movie on netflix called uh too good on paper check it out yeah eliza is an amazing [ __ ] actress a great comic i'm just busting balls but i said you go man that's [ __ ] sucks i go i know and you go and that's a lot of money you're missing out on and i was like well it's not that much here you go what do you mean i go it's two grand and you go huh i go well two grand you're right two grand and i gotta pay for flights and hotels and you went excuse me and i go do you remember this and i go wait is that why you're getting paid and you go i don't know whatever like wait what are you getting paid you i don't want to tell you like one night he goes i'm afraid we won't be friends anymore his number was so drastically different than mine that he was using that number to buy a house [Laughter] and i was like oh and then you were like hey listen listen don't worry about it and then and and you exclusively i mean rogan and burr by all stretches of means were instrumental in this period of my life but i remember getting on the 405. you said we're gonna get your podcast ad sales you're gonna get ads for your podcast you gotta get over x amount of downloads we'll get you there rogan and burr both helped out put me on their podcast coming and doing my podcast and and i talked about that on stage last night and it was like and i really credit it to being around more successful more talented more forward-thinking comics that that is the the reason that i that i that i can stay in my lane and then come up with bizarre ideas like the concept work show or do these stupid promos that help sell tickets i'm like you're the best at it man you're the best at it man and but i think it's it was a very cool award to accept i cried at the end because i talked about the girls and yeah and i saw really cool pictures i really do wish i could have been there um it was it was uh i wish i could have celebrated with you man yeah i know all our uh future we're there yeah yeah yeah yeah i got one thing on my mind yeah i got one i got two things on my mind surgery by the way i got my talk to my my mind by the way did you ask about when you should stop taking meds you think so you think you did right have you stopped still taking blood pressure medicine and they they okayed that it's not on the list okay okay i think i don't think they want my blood pressure through the roof as i go in there no i don't think they do either i'm just saying you've asked i i asked about blood pressure i think and then i definitely stopped taking baby aspirin good i guess a week out i stopped taking that's what you're supposed to yeah and then um no food or drink for 12 hours 12 hours yeah no water but you know what that reminds me of what yeah yeah the weigh-ins that's all it reminds me of you know how i think close i was to maybe being hospitalized yeah you did it the dumbest [ __ ] way you put like spirit oil all over you yeah a fighter hit me up and was like this is how you do a real water cut he's like rub all this [ __ ] on yourself then get in hot water then get in a steamer sauna and then just like don't drink water but i did it for two days like it was i remember dramatic ice cubes in my mouth on a treadmill and spitting the water out and being so miserable so do you remember [ __ ] get on that so we weighed in for two days on day two if you if you ever if you want to go and look it up when we actually weighed in the second day we started doing a podcast i casually drink a gallon of fluid oh a gallon like just like bottle after bottle after bottle because i haven't had water in like two days and i'm sweating the first fluid coconut water yeah it was so good and then we murdered pizza pizza just [ __ ] it up that was the you know we talked about this last night in that other awards ceremony but that was the week that changed my life that week that week changed my life because and i this is in that article if you want to read the article i'm sure it's on my on my instagram somewhere but or just go to variety but that was i had a deal at nbc at that time to do a pilot and i i ignored all of their emails all of their notes because we were so obsessed with that weight loss i was so obsessed with that weight loss judy my manager called leanne and was like you need to get bert to read the script she's like oh you lost him she's like him and tom are in this weight loss thing that's where his head is and it was like and it's the best it's the best direction any comment could ever take is do what you find fun do what you find funny yeah and [ __ ] everyone else because we went in we did the first day weight loss challenge and i said do i go i think my machine story's going viral mind you we are on the biggest podcast in the world two days in a row getting naked and doing weight loss check like and weighing in and the machines going viral that was like that that was like the the uh all the stars aligned week for me yeah i also remember that i didn't understand that the machine story had gone viral oh really well when you started it you're like uh you're like i sold out this club and i go oh what do you attribute it to and you go uh the machine story and i was like okay dummy what are you what's really happening and you're like no it's the machine store i'm like how what do you mean and you go well like it's been clipped and posted and it has like millions of views and i was like really you're like yeah and i go okay and i didn't like look and then one day you're like you called me you're like oh i sold out this club again and we added a show and i'm like from what though you go the machine story and i'm like that can't be right yeah and so and then i looked on i think facebook and it had like 80 million views and i was like oh maybe he's right dude that that i remember going to i remember going to being oblivious going to vinnie brandt's club in jersey right uh uh comedy i forget what it is stressful factory stress factory and there's a blizzard and i walked in i didn't even pay attention you know every room that i performed in was comped so like i i if if there and at that time i was doing good ticket sales but like you know paper half the room paper yeah if i get a bonus and i walked in and i was like and jim florentine was there and he's like dude you [ __ ] killed it this weekend and i was like oh yeah yeah that's great and i i did the whole and then at one time everyone was cheering at one point in my jokes i was like what are you guys the [ __ ] wrong with you guys like why are you here some guy goes the machine and i was like oh yeah i said i don't tell it anymore he goes the [ __ ] you don't and i was like wait what no we're all here for the machine and i was like wait you guys heard the machine story i go where and they're like on facebook yeah and i was like you guys are all here for the machine and they went nuts and i was like i'm not retiring the story i'd just vowed i will never tell it again i put it on facebook i'll never tell it again that was like six years ago how many times i've said i'm never gonna do it i have a joke about it in my act when this movie comes out i'll never tell you sure i still remember i remember um for for me uh a club manager lee he doesn't work there anymore i don't know cleveland i know i know lee he was such a sour you know just upset dude and i would always give him [ __ ] and his staff was like what are you doing i was like i mean what do you mean to do like this is my personality because i'd be like what's up [ __ ] and they were like they're like you talk to him like that because he'd be like [ __ ] you back and i just had so much fun with that guy and then lee was uh my one impression of lee is because he worked at the cleveland improv at the brick house or whatever it's called yeah and it was a predominantly black club yeah it was and he only booked black people in front of me and i remember walking in and there was this dude he sold five dvds six cds sold nine t-shirts yeah and he murdered yeah and i'm i walk in the door and lisa there was his arms crossed he's dying laughing and he goes ah it's gonna be a long weekend for you lee was great i remember he had like i don't know triple bypass surgery and he's like yeah you know i triple bypass and i go it's too bad it worked out you know like i just walked by him and uh so one weekend it was the so my my first special came out in march of 2014 and in june i worked his club and at the end of the week he goes he looks at like the papers and he goes i don't know what the [ __ ] happened but you have bonuses and i go i go what do you mean he goes i don't know why people are buying tickets to see you but they bought tickets and i go really cause i didn't know it was anything was working yeah he was like yeah he goes this doesn't make any sense like he was such a heck about it i don't get it he's like i really don't get it and i was like all right and then when i i switched eventually to do the other club uh polarities hilarities he's like why are you doing whatever it is i go because he goes why are you doing hilariously because it's so much better than your club his club was so by the way it was right across the street from that place christie's one of the best strip clubs in the [ __ ] world oh uh the improv yeah the improv yeah yeah it was right across the street from christie's i went i went and got a lap dance of christmas one time and had to stop the girl i go i think you're trying to [ __ ] me she's like why else why else what am i doing yeah i worked there once i worked the improv one time the week after a girl died at christie's from falling off from falling yeah oh wait how did i know that because it was probably talked about a lot and and i did jokes about it i was like she died doing what she loved it's okay yeah i have a picture i leanne saw saw a picture that you may remember is i hit well i remember one time hitting bonuses at cleveland and i didn't know how my bonus structure was set up and stroop goes so do you want that in cash or or uh a check and i was like i was just taking cash i thought it was like whatever [ __ ] 500 bucks and it was i think it was two thousand dollars or something maybe four thousand dollars and it was and he gave it to me in twenties and i and you and christina came over for dinner that night and you guys walked in and i was making it rain on the girls yeah and i was just and there's they're covered in ones like this and then there's a picture of georgia and isla just holding out money it was like that's how [ __ ] that's how scarce money was when we first met was if you made money you took pictures with it yeah [Laughter] oh god man i remember someone i remember right when that machine storm went viral someone told me hey man i'll change your deal but you need to know you're a flash in the pan oh nice yeah i think i know you're talking about yeah you do i definitely told you about it by the way like this and this is not gonna this is not gonna continue because it won't continue it won't last past june yeah it's a flash in the pan we're never gonna hear it from you again and i was like cool just change my deal changed my looks very much in the band i know i mean i had a a conversation with that person too where they were uh he was upset that i was like i'm not gonna come back to your place i remember when you told me not to come back to his place i remember when you had your guy call me and tell me not to come back to his place this episode of two bears one cave is brought to you by squarespace of course you have to have a website you're out of your mind i don't care what you do if you're a comedian if you fix air conditioners if you are an author if you make lemonade and iced tea you should have a website so people know where to get it who you are what you're doing squarespace has incredible beautiful templates created by world-class designers it's easy to get through this is not like back in the day where you had to hire some nerd to do it for you you're the nerd now you can do it it has powerful ecommerce functionality you can customize the look and the feel of course optimized for mobile right out of the box 24 7 award-winning customer support and of course you can sell things whatever product you have right there on the site it's incredible go to squarespace.com for a free trial when you're ready to launch use the offer code bears to save 10 off your first purchase of a website or domain that's squarespace.com enter the code bears this podcast is brought to you by viori it's ridiculous when you walk around and close and it looks like you're going to the gym what's beautiful about viori is they have clothes that are versatile that you can wear and you look like you're wearing normal people clothes yep and then you can go work out in and they feel by the way you can also sleep in them i've slept in very close they look good and they also feel so comfortable it's like soft it's beautiful incredibly versatile and comfortable designed to look great in every day outside the gym and inside the gym perfect for any workout activity i.e running that is all i use my viewer for is i can run in them they're great easy to find the product how easy is it to find the product that you wanted on the website it was very easy are you asking them right telling you yeah it's very easy their website's super easy to use so viewer is an investment in your happiness for our listeners they're offering 20 off your first purchase get yourself some of the most comfortable versatile clothing on the planet at viori.com bears that's v u o r i dot com slash pairs not only will you receive 20 off your first purchase but enjoy free shipping on any u.s order over 75 dollars and free returns go to viori.com bears and discover the versatility of your clothing so i got i got more comfortable with uh with going under because my trainer lacey said uh she goes what are you doing after this i was it done working out after we did two bears last week or whatever and i go i'm gonna take a nap she was how long i said i'm hopefully like an hour i would love to take an hour nap she's like that's all going under his you're taking an hour nap it's an hour calculated nap that's the best dude that's what everyone says it's the best everyone says except for my [ __ ] wife [Laughter] con twice wait why what did she say uh everyone she had she got drunk last night okay she got [ __ ] drunk and you can hear it in her in my instagram stories you can hear her just [ __ ] uh i don't go you going you gonna cry she said uh i said well everyone's i just like you said it's great it's great it's great and the end goes until you come out and you're throwing up and crying and just scared don't know what happened and i was like what the [ __ ] and everyone's i'm like looking are you not making this better and she goes and then i go i don't think i'll cry and she goes oh that's right you don't cry at all you don't cry at all we'll be seeing you crying i was like it's the most aggressive like almost like she was like she it's like liang has this pent up [ __ ] and then all of a sudden she gets drunk and it pours out like a hate crime yeah yeah yeah and i and i was like i was like hey i'm i'm sober i'm not drinking so i'm getting ready for surgery and i'm a little freaked out already and everyone's gonna be fine you're gonna be fine she's like nah he's gonna be crying you make it sound like she is like from the back like off of a [ __ ] [ __ ] but this impression is like she crawled out of a swamp what do you think hey gonna be crying you're gonna be all thrown up i'm gonna say the most mean thing i almost said the most mean thing about what i'm gonna say and i want you to bleep the whole thing out okay okay but i'm gonna i'm gonna say it to you yeah say it yeah yeah she is where where would they have found one like what the [ __ ] i'm certain of it like bleep out all the other stuff but it you know then all figured out okay [ __ ] she [ __ ] makes me so angry so did you tell her just today like this morning were you like that i didn't appreciate that no i got a hand job okay yeah she was a savage about it she was yeah i was like hey last orgasm you know i'm not gonna want an orgasm tomorrow because i'm gonna be [ __ ] in my head yeah i was like last orgasm before i maybe die she was like okay handy handy good one really good nice really she's gotten so good at it like i feel like she's been doing it to other dudes like which i'd be cool with if you just practiced yeah my favorite moment with liam one time she was like what if there was like a what if there was like a because there was this doctor dr squirts who uh he's a massage therapist and he just makes him squirt that doesn't sound like a massage therapist yeah you know obviously obviously he makes him like his doctor squirts he goes in and it's like a porno no yeah no it's a massage therapist and at the end he goes into the chick and then wakka wakka wakka where do you see the video no it's not a video it's a guy in beverly hills this dude how do you know about it all the moms at my at our kid's school go to her go to him and he fingers them finger bangs them and makes them have the most insane orgasms of their life and apparently they all squirt they call them dr squirts okay okay and she is talking to a group of moms and they're like is that cheating and i went yeah it's definitely [ __ ] cheating she was like like i go how would you feel if i got a hand job from a [ __ ] massage therapist she goes but what if it was like what if this woman was the best at hand jobs in the world and i go first of all it won't be a woman like how she she's not gonna put the 10 hours 10 000 hours i've put into hand jobs i've been jerking myself off since i was she would have had to start it at a very young age which is illegal she would have just started 10 right right i started at 10 years old you're going to [ __ ] out game me like there's it would be a gay guy and it would he would blow your mind i'm sure i'm sure you want to i'm sure we could find one do you want to go cheating a gay guy yeah no if she's questioning if dr squirts is what if so wait did you did she say how about this how about this gay guy does the does the rod okay chick puts tits in your face great i actually would i actually would do that yeah yeah like gay like almost like like uh let's go after this [ __ ] record what let's just go when we're done i would love that like a gay guy uh almost like almost like a puppeteer like he's underneath the table with his hand up there like a puppet like like a puppeteer you know how puppeteers are like elmo's like yeah yeah and so you would go for that you let her go to dr squirts no why because i want to be the one to give her orgasms okay i made a great orgasm female orgasm joke last night on stage yeah in front of my daughters whatever i played in the room did they uh did they enjoy it nope did they bring it up afterwards were like you're gross you made us uncomfortable a couple times i was like [ __ ] it what are you gonna do you know you guys i'm you want braces this is how daddy makes braces yeah it's it's it was weird to be like very candid about everything wait so did she sign off on you going to the handshake she will not let me go to a [ __ ] expert because she was like oh yeah yeah i guess that is cheating i guess that is cheating and i was like yeah it's definitely [ __ ] cheating and all your friends that are going to dr squirts they're cheating also so he gives them a legit massage gives him a legit like yeah he does the [ __ ] women want like he doesn't just play with her tits and [ __ ] like every time i give a massage i'm like backpack dick [ __ ] [ __ ] ass ass like he does like their shoulders and their neck and the their calves and their feet and their hands and all the erogenous zones that i blow past yeah as if it's like a [ __ ] as if it's like a health food store on my way to a mcdonald's yeah and and then at the end when they're calm and relaxed he goes in probably gently i'm guessing and then does that have you ever seen the video of that guy in the guy aveda in an all green room that makes a girl squirt and it's the most i've never seen a man control a woman more in my life have you ever seen this no can we get this yeah yeah yeah yeah go to pornhub um squirt tutorial i'm guessing god porn never lets down i know i haven't watched it in a while squirt tutorial there's a whole bunch of scroll scroll it's a it's a it's a guy in a in a green s and he's like i use grape seed oil okay type in grape uh look at that load god i know that looks like a [ __ ] civil rights fire hose uh no um the guy's the guy is amazing like he tom the guy goes in almost like a dj like he goes no it's it is a green room with like a with like a thatched uh backdrop and he's in a guy available type in just squirt uh how to make a woman squirt okay you sure you saw it here i'm definitely yeah okay okay scroll fast i can see i'll tell you what it looks like no it's not here it's the guy is typing in just i wonder if type it in google or something yeah the guy is good and what he does is he like goes and he goes all right he's like got grape seed oil in his hands and he's like okay here's what we do all right number one you're gonna go in and he does this really aggressive like wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka wakka and then he walks away from her and the girl is vibrating grapeseed oil there he is there he is this is the guy i think so okay this is the guy this is the wrong tutorial this is the guy though this is the wrong just scroll forward and see if he does it but yeah but no he's he's driving a cocktail look he's rubbing his hands yeah can we hear this sure a couple of weeks or even months massaging out all the pressure points okay screw forwards to the point where he's got yeah this is definitely the one okay watch him he like gets the girl going so quickly and then all of a sudden he kind of like backs her off and you can see her like crawling on her feet like a like a like a like a like a apparition to him okay g-spot it's a good idea to hold their pubic bone like this it's so technical yep but man watch this guy what you're about to see is going to seem a little bit rough it's going to seem like i'm being too rough i think this might be dr squirts this is where babies are born he's like basically you beat the [ __ ] up huh in any way she'll tell me or she'll tell you so um the one it seems rough to you guys it's not okay so you go in with the two fingers like that okay and then you start going up and down like this up and down look at her yeah she's also gonna watch watching yeah but no no she's not watching this is not performance watch so he's in there look at her yeah she's winking at the camera okay look at this i mean what's that been like 30 seconds i could do this if you could teach me this [ __ ] how to get your keys out of a [ __ ] purse yeah technique look at her and she's starting to come huh that's not acting okay my dick's hard by the way you feel good i can't help it look at this how many what's the time limit on this how long has he been doing this he's only been doing this what oh boy yeah 45 seconds that's not cheating 45 seconds isn't cheating so you could you're okay with doing this by the way if if i got to be honest if i could i would love to see leanne [ __ ] heel crawl to the end of the bed good girl good girl that's where he gets creepy that's a little crazy what is her whole body is part of this no she's acting man that's a good [ __ ] show she's putting her show well let's give her an emmy because i am enjoying her work yeah right now she just farts and shits okay look at her face yeah bring her face up yeah is she hot she's happy happy we call that happy yeah do we put i'm gonna put some more oil on because uh oil is leaving it's a cool video to be a part of it [Applause] yeah it's really nice hey do you think okay hit pause do you think me and you should do videos like this but the way the woman expert all right here's what we're gonna do i'm gonna start with the girl grape soda oil and it's best to hold his throat like this as you do this we're like [Applause] would you let someone do that to your [ __ ] probably probably if like i got if like if you got here's the thing there's a point if you get me to and i only say this because of my youth is like you ever get when you were a kid you already just get so horny you're like oh if i'm gonna [ __ ] the dog you know like maybe i shouldn't use dog dog is a bad example but you know what i'm saying like yeah i know what you're saying you're just like [ __ ] it up [ __ ] a watermelon a [ __ ] [ __ ] cheeseburger whatever the [ __ ] round yeah like i think if i i've gotten to that place i've gotten that place where you're like where you if if a girl suggested anything i'd be like yep let's do it let's do it whatever of course and uh that's an interesting place is when you get to a fevered pitch i was thinking about this the other day i hooked up with a chick uh in hollywood right now i thought you might be like i took up this chick the other day no i hooked up with the chick in hollywood one time i'd known her i've no i actually known her all through high school went to high school with her she went to another high school but um oh i didn't realize these were cold yeah they're cold and i'm gonna sample it it's only 25 calories okay that is not what i expected that is [ __ ] awesome 225 milligrams caffeine that'll get you going i can't have any caffeine tomorrow maybe not even today i might try both of these okay is that wasteful no are they sponsors on the next podcast so by the way i'll tell you what here's my question 25 calories the [ __ ] versus 225 calories when you're not drinking alcohol 225 calories is like just a beer you're like okay it's like having a beer in the middle of the day i would love to have a beer in the middle of the day but i don't have ub here in the middle of the day last night i would have four why would you have four why would you have one i'd have four you know just have four catch a buzz and then go to take a nap okay wow good yeah let's taste vanilla okay hey maybe we should be doing cups with this maybe try it sure well smoke's coming out of it you took a copy test yesterday right yeah okay i haven't gotten the results yet this mocha is better okay yeah the mocha is really good you wanna try it sure mocha is really [ __ ] good um to going under to going under an hour nap that's all it is um good i like this one yeah the the 25 calories you feel like you're not cheating so i hooked up with the girl i hooked up with the girl and uh in right when i moved to hollywood i'd known i'd known her in high school she went different high school figure ass no but she could have done anything to me i remember she got me so horny and we didn't have sex but we were just like hooking up messing around that and she was like playing with my dick but not jerking me off i she could have done anything to me yeah and i because i remember i was this is going to sound like a lie i was vibrating like my hands were shaking i was so horny yeah and i and i and and then she just went to bed and i was like cool oh you went oh and you were like all fired up i was like i guess i just got it no i just kind of started drinking it was like [ __ ] four in the morning and i was like i'm not i think i'm off i think i went to her bathroom and jerked off yeah i was like you gotta get rid of this demon yeah and then and then i just stayed up drinking and then she lived right by uh by the way if this woman's listening i can't she'd know exactly who she is yeah you should break my phone until the sun came up yeah and then i walked around uh hollywood and went over to another friend's house and you jerk off there too these are my plants yeah i remember a girl got me all worked up and then i i didn't know her i was like by the way they don't know what they're doing they don't know that they're doing that they don't know that they have turned you into an animal in your head and then they're like i'm just gonna go to this was [ __ ] up this was at a like uh someone's apartment and we're on the couch the guy sitting over here he's with a girl and then this girl sitting on the couch with me and she's like rubbing her legs on me like get i'm all worked up we're watching a movie movie ends and i'm like i mean i'm like all [ __ ] ready to go door opens and she's like hey it's her boyfriend had showed up and i was like so i go in the bathroom to jerk off because i'm ready to explode yeah and i shoot jizz all over the place like [Music] like ropes all over the bathroom i was aiming for the toilet but it was just too backed up and i didn't clean it up just left it in ninth grade i had i i was i went to a girl's house i went to a girl's house and she was she was laying on my lap and she was pl she was playing with my dick but i don't think she realized she was playing with my dick why it was it was sticking through my like above my belt uh-huh and she was she had her head on my laptop watching a movie her parents were in the next room and she's just like think she's like playing with so i don't know what she thought she was playing with she's not sure when you're addicted i don't i don't know but i [ __ ] blew a load all in my shirt and i went and i made the unwise decision of telling everyone at school the next day that i blew a load into my shirt all boys catholic high school and they were like shut the [ __ ] up what that girl looks like now oh let's pull her up i gotta go through i gotta go i gotta do the uh six degrees of uh how to find her [ __ ] i miss those days i miss it you don't think of course you missed those days you know i think she did she was playing with you no she did not what was she playing with i don't have no idea she wasn't doing it like check she was like put her hand back there and we'd hold hands and then all of a sudden her hand would she was like playing with my belt like almost like grabbing my belt yeah dude and my dick was in there i i remember one time i i i mean i've had times where it's you get so loaded that all of a sudden all they do is touch it and it's like ah and you're like oh there's nothing i can do about that i don't have any problems with premature ejaculation well you just you just said you do no no i don't have a problem having it i don't know okay i definitely have it no matter how you're feeling about getting back out there there's no denying it's an adjustment when the world gets too loud something i love to do is create my own soundtrack by popping in my raycon wireless earbuds i don't care if it's listening to music listening to podcasts it's so easy they're so comfortable they have cool designs cool different colors and it's an effective like this is a you feel like you have a real high-end earbud in that is not uh out of this world expensive like some of the trashy other yeah competitors and what's great about the price point is that i i feel that for the what they're charging in the stores for the for these raycons you can get two and i love to have two sets of your earpods oh yeah so i can char keep them both charged and if i forget to charge one i'm not sitting there going damn it i gotta charge my heads that's for my jog i have another pair yeah buy six there's nothing i lose more than earbuds just keep buying keep buying them it's like it's like reading glasses and ear buds it's this it absolutely is create your own soundtrack with raycon right now two bears listeners you can get 15 off your raycon order at byraycon.com bears that's by com slash bears the same fifteen percent on ray cons by buy raycon dot com slash bears this podcast is brought to you by hellofresh with hellofresh you get fresh pre-measured ingredients a mouth-watering seasonal recipes delivered right to your door skip trips to the grocery store and count on hellofresh to make home cooking easy fun and affordable and that is why it's america's number one meal kit delivery service meal kit well the number is american you know what i'm saying my point is the other day i i were i'm home and the girls are each making two different dinners and i am blown away they go dad tonight you have your option it's either like this asian chicken stir fry or this like pasta dish and i was like well i kind of want a little bit of both wait how did you guys make this and they looked at me at the same time and said hello fresh and i went are you serious i'm telling you these meals are super easy to put together if my daughters can do it it literally took him 15 20 minutes to do it they got breakfast on the go and more easy options for the perfect for your busy lifestyle they have offer 50 menus and market items each week including ready to eat salad sandwiches and soup there's something for everyone with all the recipes designed and tested by professional chefs i'll ask that she goes who designs these i said i love that's interesting professional chefs and nutritional experts to ensure deliciousness and simplicity we love hello fresh i'm still eating the pasta dish i had it last night for dinner go to hellofresh.com cave 14 and use the code k14 for up to 14 free meals plus free shipping that's hellofresh.comk14 and use the code k14 for up to 14 meals plus free shipping america's number one meal kit i asked rocco to freddy about it one time wait hold start this story over when did you meet rocco freddy uh at a at a show like more than 10 years ago was this one of those porn shows that we used to do no not at all it was with russell peters and uh russell had befriended him for some reason i don't know and so by the way two opposite personalities yeah russell's such a slow kind person i i can't imagine russell throat [ __ ] anyone like i just russell uh maybe uh no i don't know i don't know what he does but but uh i i was talking to rocco and he was like you it was very smart very funny and i go thanks man and then i go hey so can i i started asking questions i was like you know it's gotten so aggressive like your stuff's so aggressive he's like he's like this is what they want and i go what do you mean he's like today i shoot a scene with a girl and she blow me until she vomit and i was like okay and he was like this is what she wanted so do we do you think women really want that i think maybe when they're shooting how about this do you think that's what men want to see and he's making it for men 100 okay yes because they're always upping the ante right but then i asked him i go hey how can you you know you never like bust you know a nut ever too early he's like work for 30 days and you would have complete control and i was like you're telling me to work as a porn actor for 30 days and he was like yes like that was his advice yeah 30 days shoot shoot content every day and then you'll have complete control i can't imagine i can't imagine how excited i'd be to go to work if it was every day was just [ __ ] a new person yeah like i would be i mean i bet you get at a certain point that you'd be like you know what i mean no no but that's but it's new right now i definitely would get to work and be like yeah i know i get to work and go oh but if i but that if you're if you're a guy i think you produce all your own stuff i don't think there's a lot of stunt [ __ ] out there so you you're making your own stuff so you're picking your own chicks could you pick 30 chicks you wanted to [ __ ] could i yeah i think i could i think we could work that out okay who would be the first one you go all right i'm i'm i'm making my first let's let's work your first week your first week you gotta pick five because you're gonna take the weekend off okay so you're gonna do five checks monday tuesday wednesday thursday friday and then tell me why you picked those days okay but are we talking like famous people we're talking porn i don't know they're like everybody give me the top yeah 20 top points there we go of all time oh i like this i like this okay um okay there's one and two right there i don't know if i'd have two girls suck my dick at once i feel like it's a lot of busy work okay it's almost like it's almost like driving a 1950s convertible you're like it looks nice but it's a lot of work okay caden cross okay i'm gonna work my day i'm gonna pick i'm gonna pick go to number one first start at number one are these tori black tory black i is i've met her in person yeah and then august aims oh she's dead okay well then take her off the list can we go to a different list okay these are all brand okay i can tell you just off my list of people that like adriana chechik is gonna be on there yeah you know she's reached out right what she's reached out to us mm-hmm for what nadav yeah can you can you pull up that clip what clip you don't know about this huh oh yeah you've been a you've been abroad oh okay wait tell me about adriana czech yeah and she also said that you have not responded i haven't i don't even know what you're talking about okay because i was a she made a pretty pretty cool offer to us wait hold on no you're this is a bit it's not a bit pull it up nadav okay did you see you appeared on ymh podcast doomers yes between him and bert tom segura and burke chrysler i'm just wondering if they want to get a dp going or if they want to you know hit me up for for any double action if both of those two men want to put their podcast where their dick is then find me and they know where i am because i've tried to uh try to reach out to bert a few times and um nothing ever followed through hey [ __ ] step the [ __ ] up we're supposed to be dp in this chick man dude if we do it for the podcast yeah we can get on the show yeah live show we'll sell a lot of tickets how about this how about this you ready for this okay okay i'm gonna call our wives here's here's our pitch here's our pitch go ahead we put strap-ons on and have sex with strap-ons on so we don't really have sex with her see liam would sign off on it okay me and you both put on strap-ons right and we have sex with her together and then at the end she leaves and we drag off on each other i was going to jerk off during but yeah i was gonna put my strap on backwards it just turned out like a tail uh-huh let's see if leon wait when did that had it wait does she have a podcast i think that's on one of those like livestream things yeah she streams on twitch put your podcast where your dick is bert i put my podcast i have three podcasts i'll put three decks where my my you know what i mean hey nadab get the other thing ready what's the other thing he uh kale hooked us up hey babe hey what are you busy i um no okay soft pitch just wanna hear you out you're on the podcast okay tom and i have an offer to dp double ten penetrate uh a porn star now we're not hold on we're not gonna do with our real dicks but we'd like to do it with strap-ons wearing underwear strap-ons wearing underwear have sex with a porn star for a live show would you let us do that no wait hold on hear me out there's a lot of money involved i don't give a [ __ ] no okay would you wear a strap-on no can we be on the in the room while people pretend to be us i think that's gross okay i love you that's not a no love you too gosh she's such a bummer man oh [ __ ] see what push says okay let's see what she says how awesome i know what i'll be thinking of when i go under tomorrow me and you high fiving yeah pretty cool spit style she doesn't answer it to yes we're doing it yeah okay um what's the other clip so he talked to kale and said is there anything you can send us just clip-wise from the machine no yes are you serious he said he would send him something i don't know i haven't seen it oh what is that by the way i'll never i'll never shave a mustache for that [ __ ] reason for that [ __ ] reason what is he doing play it again dude this is [ __ ] great acting what is that no what is that oh this is gonna i can't wait to see the movie what by the way it's not gonna be that far off look you're crying what is i don't even know what that is is that like a it's a face swap right i don't it's from the other day what is it remember when i left the room and you did the ads alone you're lying [Laughter] i don't know who posted it actually good god it's not far off from what i look like in the movie i'm not gonna lie to you i look exactly like i look like right now you look good on camera it looks pretty aggressive really do you eat on camera in the movie no oh do you drink there's no drinking oh yeah there has to be yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah i'd uh yeah i don't know i oh [ __ ] i told you at the end of the movie we're doing uh we're doing these things you do these things to like so you can have is i mean theoretically it's for action figures and but you know legendary's like a big that's what they do is comic book stuff so they do it anyway so you stand on this thing and they spin it around and so i get like they bring my clothes to me and i put them on i got to do five different wardrobe changes so probably first set of clothes and they're so tight and they go holy [ __ ] how much weight have i gained in this movie and the woman goes a lot i went really she goes we've all been talking about it and i was like for real she's like yeah i go but i just wore this like three in three months i gained that much waste how much did you gain that's what i said i was like it could be that much and then i put the shoes on the shoes are tight and i'm like i'm like wait what did you weigh when you got there i i was two i think i was like 240 235 in between there i thought it was that for the whole [ __ ] movie right at the end i don't know so i i do the thing i mean my shirt is like this tom it's like this and i'm like i remember being tight did you weigh yourself when you got back it was all in kilograms i couldn't tell what it was wait a minute so wait a minute what about when you got back here have you never haven't weighed myself you haven't yourself at all at all so i'm not gonna weigh myself now you know what that what's gonna be funny to you what they'll weigh you right right before surgery great great i can't wait and they do it on the bed so you're laying on the bed and they're going to be like 256. they're going to be like what do you weigh and you you tell them what you think you weigh and then they'll tell you what you ate so i do i do the one thing it's like a five minute process and i say to the team i'm like i must how much weight did i gain they're like you know serbian food man you live a big life and i was like okay so i put on the next outfit and i'm like [ __ ] super tight i was like i just wore this like a week ago and they're like and they're looking at me they're like hey you gained a lot of weight and i'm like have you we were just housing food the whole time i get i don't even know i didn't even know i was doing it like i didn't really know i was doing it oh my god and then they put my shoes on and i go okay these shows are really tight and then i look and i go hold on are these my clothes and they're like huh like are these my stunt doubles clothes and they're like i don't know i go you just gave me my stunt doubles clothes i've been wearing oh so so and he's smaller than i am hold on hey what's up jazzy we're uh we're you're on the podcast uh quick pitch soft pitch soft pitch so um are you this bird there yeah yeah so hi bird i love you i miss you i love you too i'm going into surgery tomorrow push oh buddy i know he's there sleep is best you're gonna love the sleep it's like the best unless i wake up with half of my face paralyzed keep going so we finally were able to bert had not seen adriana chetchik's um offer for us to deep here and so we're talking about maybe doing a live stream and uh wanted to see if you were comfortable with us hold on with us wearing strap-ons so we're not using our actual dicks no the answer is no why tell me why because we got we got leanne just gave us because that's gross yeah it's gross it is so gross okay listen listen just think about the smells i'm not worried i'm not worried either not worried and like you and bird are gonna be soaked are you guys gonna do it at the same time yeah it's a dp yeah it's a double penetration okay but who's going where have you guys we'll take turns it's like leaky submarine yeah we'll be the two panicky sailors i gotta plug up all our holes yeah it's you know i'll be like tom i'll be going i'll have a noise yeah like hey bird her ass is ready and then he'll get in there oh [ __ ] there's a hole back here tom now okay i thought i thought you might i thought you might kill the fun so the the next thing is are you cool with us standing in the room while other people dp her uh well who are the people professionals well i was gonna say you and leanne [Laughter] oh my god i'm gonna pass out i don't like the scenario at all okay all right all right well you know what we'll pitch it back to adrianna chechik yeah see if she has some creative ideas yeah we'll get that out of the box thinker like our wives all right okay thanks bud that was fun unlike our wives i wonder if how would she have reached out to me you're gonna open your dms now and see like i'm dying for you to [ __ ] me dude sometimes you like it's like it's like sliding doors it's the messages you don't get that make you happy by the way i couldn't change my phone number until after the surgery because cedar cyanide has my phone number are you going to i'm changing it the day of the surgery i'm changing my phone number thank god dude i get wait how do people have it i still remember some guy reached out to me and said hey man here's the reddit thread where they gave out your address and your phone how did they know your phone number uh i don't i can i tell you i i'm assuming i'm assuming it's someone that i was friends with at one point in life really i have mistreated or felt like they've been wronged and then their way of getting even is just giving out all my information yeah doxxing me i'm i'm guessing i'm going to send you uh send me the reddit thread i'll send you the right thread some guy texted texted me the reddit thread he was like hey man i got your number i'm so sorry i've been calling you my teeth hurt my condolences for your loss and your grandmother here's the site that reddit thread is linked to i'm saying this to you in the dog hey i'm gonna send you the whole thing let me send it to me too okay and i was like i was like what kind of [ __ ] [ __ ] not this guy but you know it sucks is that some people are cool you know and some people are [ __ ] like mean and you're like like last night some guy sent some mean message like as i'm checking my phone just some nasty message about you're not funny and then i'm like what wait where was the message what do you mean where i don't know i want to give out his phone number no he texted you this text to me and but from his phone number and i was like i was like cool man who in their [ __ ] right goddamn mind gets someone's phone number and then text them that and then decides to text them that they don't like them yeah well like that's somebody who's not in their right mind man i mean part of me feels bad for the guy i was gonna say and i just blocked his number of course i was like yeah [ __ ] this guy but i wanted to text him back hey go [ __ ] yourself like i just texted it to you all right let me see it gives out my address and my [ __ ] phone number this isn't a reddit thread though uh this is this is the link from the reddit thread oh i got you yeah why didn't he just send me the reddit thread that is crazy thank god i [ __ ] moved out of these houses god damn dude this podcast is brought to you by starbucks triple shot energy extra strength coffee beverage in a can oh there's nothing better than grabbing a can and taking it in your car and not having to worry about it spilling god dang i love that extra strength or 225 milligrams of coffee caffeine which is i mean perfect for me that starbucks coffee that you love and ready to drink there they have it for you offered in classic favors now in zero sugar hello home run energy to do the things that matter to you i'm telling you there's so much that matters to me right now and i feel like coffee is the only thing that's driving me i'm still a little bit jet lagged and meant 225 milligrams of caffeine puts me in the right zone especially in the middle of the afternoon four core flavors vanilla dark roast cafe mocha and caramel oh my god two zero sugar flavors black and vanilla zero sugar dairy free before on the go being on the go i need a drink that i can have handy and ready when i am extra strength gives me that boost i need to get ready to watch the big game i like it before i go on stage i'll tell you that's the truth get on stage your guru meeting that's the perfect time to have it throw my bag wherever i am golf course slam it real quick it gives me energy what gives you energy find your starbucks triple shot energy online or at your local store this episode of two bears one cave is brought to you by mint mobile after years of fine print contracts and getting ripped off by big wireless providers we've learned anything is that there's always a catch so when i first heard that mint mobile offers premium wireless service starting at just 15 bucks a month i thought of course what's the catch but after speaking with them and using their service it all made sense there isn't one mint mobile secret sauce is that they're the first company to sell wireless service online only by cutting out retail stores there's no crazy overhead costs to get passed down to you in the form of mystery fees instead mint just passes on sweet savings direct to you they've done a great job i mean they sent that sim card to nadav and he just popped it in he was like hey great service he loves it for people looking to say to save extra money mint mobile offers premium wireless for just 15 a month to get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month and get the plan shipped to your door for free go to mintmobile.com bears that's mint mobile.com bears cut your wireless bill to 15 bucks a month at mintmobile.com bears so strange that this is a thing and you know what's so funny is is like these guys get my number and then they and then especially just the ones that post mean [ __ ] where you're like like just text me mean [ __ ] or like what or get way too comfortable with me or dude there's one guy i have his phone number i have it saved i have thought the most evil things about this person i've i've i've wanted harm on his this person because he's what he texts you things you know it's uh it's it's i got to tell you it's super it's a it's a very powerful mechanism to be nameless and faceless and then text me mean things one guy was texting things about you to me and the way he was texting me and about you mm-hmm was so [ __ ] cruel and it was it was it wasn't it was it was a it was i can't tell you exactly what it was about but i can tell you off-air but the way he was texting it to me was like you know this is happening and then he was like so [ __ ] conniving like the way he did it was so cruel that i thought you're actually a bad person and i want to out you as a bad person because the way you're texting me the way you're talking to me was almost like sexually assaulty like like he was like he had his finger in my mouth and he's like yeah you like that don't you and i went oh you're a bad person i want to out you i have your phone number i want to out you as a bad person and i want everyone that you works with you to know you're about person and then i realized that's not what you're supposed to do it's probably some child who is testing out his personality and will end up being a horrible person and hopefully will die before the world has to deal with them you know but like i and there's so many of those people that do that you saved this one though i saved one what'd you save maz uh i forget i forget oh i can find it though i can find it i have his [ __ ] phone number i'll give it out right now uh um do you have anything smaller i got it you want to do this really he gave me his butt he gave me his name he gave you his name yep i'm sure it's not his real name you know we could do though you know we could do with that what i i could get you a thorough thorough background check on him i want to ruin this guy's life what's a good way to start yeah you want to do it uh yeah yeah i i i mark norman was with me when this was happening and mark was like man this is bothering you and i go you know you know you don't text someone the way he was doing it was so like yeah inside i don't and i don't want to show it to you because i don't want i don't want you to ever see this because it was it was it was so bothersome to me and it wasn't about me and it wasn't technically about me but the way he was talking to me was like was like yo man and that's the crazy thing is like i get all these texts i got one last night uh i'll show you the one i got last night i've [ __ ] this is the one i got last night right i one guy texted me and told me my friend that i have a friend in jail and he's like it's like the it's sociopaths part of me feels like it's the same guy who's gotten a bunch of different numbers you're definitely changing the number right i'm changing the number on thursday i couldn't do it today because look at this one this is from last night all right i'm get i'm getting the award and i get that text from someone i don't know who it is then what's the youtube link uh something about uh another comic something about is no it's it's me and another comic and i and i one i blocked him but i wanted to go like hey man who do you think you are to text me something nasty like yeah and then i got your phone number i i and then i i have if you if you that's how you're gonna use your power i wanna use my power and i wanna put your number out so that everyone can find out who you are and then we can go to your parents and tell your parents who you are like wasn't there like these guys that type rape threats to female comics yeah and then the female comics i don't know this oh what it is these same people that are doing this are also the people that you know when sarah silverman makes apologizes for a joke or does something that they don't find uh cool they then type rape threats to them like uh one day you're gonna get what it's their children their children that don't know their brains haven't fully developed and so they think they're being funny they also are fans of comedy they don't know how comedy works and so they think the most aggressive thing they can say is the thing that's funny right and so uh and so i and then one woman ended up reaching out one of the female comics i forget who it is nadav see if you can find out who it is reached out to that the child's mother and said hey just so you know this is the emails your son's been sending me and [ __ ] destroyed this kid and i was [ __ ] all for it she found they found the kids she reached out and found out that it was a child and then reached out to the child's mother and was like just so you know you're 14 year old uh get by the way hold on the second you type in female comedian heckler all that comes up is steve hofstetter go back go back it's all steve hofstetter clips why is steve hoffsteiner come up as his female comedian heckler thinks she's funny than me oh because he does heckle videos that's what he does no that's the difference different person the second one though that was it corey woods cody woods cody woods yeah but yeah um it's so funny man you it's it's such a and the summer funny some are cool man sometimes you get a phone call i always answer them the the one in the car was funny it was great it was great and you go that's what that's what if you've got my phone number and you're gonna use it use it for that yeah i'm cool with that if you're if you're drunk with your boys and you you're and you're like i got birth's phone number let's call him i'm cool with that also but this [ __ ] i'm not cool with and you're the reason i'm changing my phone number because i'm like dude i don't need negativity in my life and you've got my phone number and you're gonna just text me hurtful hateful [ __ ] you don't know me and i [ __ ] it makes me crazy i've never wanted to change my phone number my phone number is isla is heartbroken she goes yours is the only phone number i know by heart and i was like well you have to learn a new one because [ __ ] there are pieces of [ __ ] out there that i oh that's it that's it oh it's lindy west lindy west confronted her troll oh my god it was comic so wait okay oh my god this is a great story so lindy west gets there's a guy who creates a a twitter account called lindy west's dead father oh man and he starts uh oh man posting as lindy west's dead father lindy west lost her father and he starts taping posting stuff like no one will want to rape that fat disgusting mess like right that's what he writes lindy west if you don't know is a uh i'm thinking i'm saying this right but a a body positive activist she's she is overweight i'm overweight but she's also deals with fat acceptance and and i hope i'm saying this right and i'm not [ __ ] this up for lindy west i like lindy west but that's what she does and these young kids or whatever these [ __ ] they troll her and they [ __ ] with her she went head-to-head with norton on something it was pretty interesting it was pretty cool that's how i found out who she was and uh and she confronted this troll and this guy [ __ ] she found her troll and confronted him and he said it was the worst period of his life like that he is this her this is the response she got okay can you can you read this i can't read yeah it says hey lindy well first of all can we scroll up to what she wrote to them to the person because it looks like that's a response right is there is there a part where okay so she went out and found out who it was all right so so when it came i i went off script i stopped obsessing uh i wrote about it publicly online okay so she wrote something publicly online you don't have to click it but she obviously wrote a thing about it and then she woke up to this email hey lindy i don't know why or even when i started trolling you it wasn't because of your stance on rape jokes i don't find them funny either i think my anger towards you stems from your happiness with your own being it offended me because it served to highlight my unhappiness with my own self well that is by the way that probably is exactly why they're texting me hurtful [ __ ] of course they look at me and i'm look happy as [ __ ] online and i went on i when i went on live yeah i went on live and said oh i'm changing my phone number whatever that's when all these started phoning in because it was probably people going like i'm a miserable small dick fast [ __ ] who lives in my mom's basement and and i if i can have one victory today to hurt bert keep reading this is interesting okay um yeah so it offended me to highlight my unhappiness with my own self i have emailed you through two other gmail accounts just to send you idiotic insults i apologize for that i created the paul west dunzo account and twitter account i have deleted both i can't say sorry enough it was the lowest thing i had ever done when you included in it in your latest uh jezebel article it finally hit me there is a living breathing human being who is reading this [ __ ] i'm attacking someone who never harmed me in any way and for no reason whatsoever i'm done being a troll again i apologize i made a donation in memory to your dad i wish you the best he had donated 50 to seattle cancer care alliance where my dad was treated the email still unhinges my jaw every time i read it a reform troll so i mean it goes on and on um i'm not sure if there's another back and forth or not but i don't know but that's wild that's wild she confronted her troll and he was like oh yeah but that's a that's a really good point is that she you know the the person was self-aware enough to realize that they were angry at themselves yeah i wonder if there's software enough let's call them which the one who let's call him the guy who could text me last night all right let's call him i wonder if he's self-aware enough to know that hey man that or if he's gonna be like i was just [ __ ] your attention bro all whose subscriber right have called is not available please leave a message after the tone call it again it might be like uh i think it's a fake number can i tell you i think a subscriber you have called i think they're fake numbers i think they go online they're not going through their own numbers yeah they're not going through their own number because they're cowards right and they're going through you know it's like it's like if you're like i can take i can take you know it's funny uh i i said something once on this podcast about feeling like i got attacked by someone online and everyone thought it was them everyone thought that they were the ones that attacked me and i was like it's by the way it was none of you guys half you guys that you thought it was i actually do listen to your podcast and i think you're actually pretty talented even when you attack me i still think you're good yeah and so but but uh but it's it's the cat it's the one like and by the way if you have a podcast and you think i'm a piece of [ __ ] and you want to call me on being phony in hollywood and and whatever the [ __ ] you wanna too sensitive and alcoholic i'm gonna die young like i i'm whatever i probably won't watch all of it but i'll watch the beginning i watch enough to i watch enough the same way you watch enough we're all the same but uh but it's the ones that like hide behind a fake number to send you insults and you don't have the balls to be like no i stand by my words yeah yeah like stand by your [ __ ] words i'm standing by my words right now i'll i'll say whatever i want to say and i'll say your name i think i think i know who it is you really think you know who it is i think i do because you because you run into cowards through your life right yeah you watch them behave as cowards and you see them babies cowards and and at times you're friends with these certain people and you go oh [ __ ] i've seen how this person behaves with other people yeah and i guarantee i i guarantee i have a group of ten people and by the way what's brilliant about this is each one of them is watching this right now and thinks it's them that's the craziest thing is that they're all going notice me he's talking about me and i think they just create [ __ ] accounts let's call the one let's call the one that i [ __ ] really hate okay all right oh boy this is the guy i i hope bad stuff happens to him you talk to him he's gonna recognize my voice well yeah just say like hey what's up he's not going to answer i guess he sees oh of course he sees it's my number guarantee he saved me under he didn't just hi you've reached okay it's close that's the one you don't like the most oh can i tell you why yeah it's about christina cool and it hurt me the way he the way the way he was talking like that was i [ __ ] i [ __ ] killed me man it [ __ ] killed me and and i was drunk and i was in amsterdam and i was [ __ ] mark norman so that's a like a while ago it's a while ago i've held on to it i've held on to it tom i i logged into something okay and i [ __ ] was with mark normand and i could not let it go i was so angry i was so angry because it was like attacking people i love but just talking to me in a very like venomous way and i sat with mark norman on a [ __ ] and mark's like hey man we're in amsterdam let's go get a joint and [ __ ] forget about this we have two shows tonight and i was like you're right you're right and i and i go he goes because here's what you do bert save that number and like a year from now deal with it then when you're not so angry it's been two years and i just got the [ __ ] searing anger yeah you feel it yeah yeah i think it's because i got a lot of emotion in me because i'm going into surgery yeah and i'm like [ __ ] and and my number got leaked and i got doxed and we had i mean literally we had to get a new house because we got doxed because everyone had my address and that might be my fault but that might be my fault i remember one time christina going don't give uh bert our address cause he's gonna post it online and i was like yeah what are you talking about and it was like you one time you texted me like over the course of a week like three times like hey what the [ __ ] can i have your address yeah i was like i don't know by the way the beauty is this phone number's dead starting tomorrow yeah and i will never hear from these people ever again i can i'm gonna how do you do when you get a new phone do you have you text everyone no how many people here's what you do this is the best way to do this okay you get your new number yeah take a picture of yourself with like a piece of paper that says like hey this is bert this is my new number uh write a message once that you copy and then you copy and paste the photo and the message to people who you want to have the number you understand okay so that people know it's really you and you're like it's me oh okay no okay okay because otherwise like what am i held hostage yeah kind of and then and then you have that message hey this is bert this is really my new number here's a picture of me saying like this is my new number and then you just text it to the people you want to have your new number which is the best because it'll take a while for people who you don't want to have your number to get your number yeah and then as soon as those people start getting your number you get another new number okay cool all right yep starting tomorrow brand new number how long you had that number this number yeah uh uh since i moved to la wow wow i i got it you wanna can i tell you i mean now that everyone knows my number yeah i'm changing it i got it because it spells bert really yup the last four or what last four two three seven eight is burt it's bert it's a great number it's a great number yeah i had a really good number and then i switched it a few years ago way too many people had my number and then well now you you had way too many people meaning like way too many people that you just didn't want to talk to or you got i got i mean i'm in this no i i didn't get docs yeah yes people i was like there's too many people that i don't want to talk to my number and then also well like you it's like a decade of touring the clubs and you give the number to like the staff the radio station the the hotel the like it's like it's just too many people yeah so i got rid of that one i have a new one i'm getting a new number again uh next week i got a new phone i'm gonna get a new number with it and so do you hold on to your old phone uh this one i'll hold on to for a minute i'm gonna see how it works on tour having the two phones a burner phone well it's not burner i'm gonna maintain the number i've had and the new number i'm just gonna give to like family you know i mean family friend like really close try to have like a actual no hello hi good morning it's lucy giving you a call from doctor gary hello lucy i'm good i'm doing a podcast we're about to wrap up is there any change in my answering on the podcast oh i'm sorry later okay all right thank you lucy all right bye all right thanks jesus christ that was so funny that was [ __ ] great yeah um all right we should probably wrap this up yeah um so yeah this was that was a lot let's um that was a lot man my when you went to dancing you're like hello i was i was expecting to be like what's up [ __ ] yeah and she's like i've caught from the surgery center okay you can leave that part in and then take the other part the special part out yeah yeah yeah definitely um well this was this this podcast took some real wild turns man i did i i did you know we may have to edit a little portion out because i feel like there's i i got sensitive one time and man every [ __ ] troll in the world came after me and so i'm well i'll talk to the top okay um this is a lot of fun there's a lot of fun we gotta we gotta change our energy for the next one we definitely do we're gonna kill one of these [ __ ] triple shots let's do it um congrats again on your award it's a big deal i'm sorry i couldn't have been there but i wish you had been there it was it would have been great maybe next year next year you know nerve transfer yeah whatever all right uh love you i love you too see you guys tom and bert one goes topless while the other wears the shirt tom tells stories and birds the machine there's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean here's what we call two bears one cave no scripts a bit of booze amateur partology dirty jokes raunchy humor no apologies here's what we call two bears one cave [Music] you

Channel: YourMomsHousePodcast

Views: 965,760

Keywords: ymh, your mom's house, your moms house, tom segura, christina pazsitzky, christina p, mommies, jeans, up, high and tight, what's with the jeans, denim on denim, podcast

Id: S-s0PLV_HJM

Length: 80min 38sec (4838 seconds)

Published: Mon Aug 16 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/garlic_goon]

Tom saying "My teeth hurt." after drinking the starbucks drink and directly before the starbucks ad, has got me rolling

[u/DiscipleOfDrone]

Leeann Kreichser has pent up shit and it comes out when she's drunk? Hmm...I wonder why...

[u/chewbakkah]

anyone find a link to the tutorial yet?
Post up the exact title so we can find it.

[u/runjoy]

Of all the phone numbers in the world, it makes since why Bert kept it.

[u/PrestigeWorldwide-LP]

Tom mentions that cast will be in podcasts for 2 months even though he's getting it off the week they're shooting this.

2 MONTHS of banked episodes...

[u/CornFlakesR1337]

Did iliza talk shit about the drive in thing or what? I don't get what they're referring to

[u/bbllaakkee]

The dog fucking joke was great. He knew what he was saying.

[u/Jazzun]

Can't wait for the boys to put their dicks where their podcasts are.

[u/Andrew_j2288]

Man, whoever gave out Bert's info is such a piece of shit.