Enneagram: The High/Low Side of Type 4

what is up guys thank you for joining me for this video today we are talking to our lovely four people and we're talking about the high side the low side of type four and you know the passive integration what fours look like when they're under stress what they look like when they're doing well when when when things are going well in their life and when the relationships are intact and they feel emotionally healthy and kind of that path of integration or you might say D Center this integration that the four takes alright so that's the subject that we're talking about today I want to begin by just kind of summarizing real quick you know a four is one of the worth types with two and three and what that means is is twos threes and fours in my opinion are basically asking the question you know where does my worth and value come from what makes me what makes me valuable what makes me important it's kind of like those three you know it's not enough just to be human it's not enough just to be born they question you know whether and they may not do it consciously but they question their worth in value you know like what am i bringing to the table it's like it's like they've got a they've got to prove their value in their worth just being alive just being created in the image of God isn't enough it's it's like they've got to help you understand that they have value and worth and twos do this by becoming helpful to you and by becoming pleasing to you and so you when they shine the spotlight on you you you feel good and you want them around you and and they find their worth in being you know helpful and and being loved and threes find their Worth and value and kind of you might say the most simplistic way is just adding value to themselves by attaining and by achieving and becoming admired and and so you know you might say look at this beautiful body look at all I've accomplished and and they shine the spotlight on themselves and draw you to them and so they they feel valuable because of their position you know because of what they've attained force I think are a little more complex in that you know they kind of look at the world as if everybody is you know I just like factory workers they're all just factory workers all wearing factory uniforms and they're easily replaced everybody could be easily replaced I don't want to be like that for kind of looks at it and says I don't want to be like that I don't want to be just a cog in the machine so I've got to separate myself from that and and stand out in some way in some unique way in some different way and and so forth you know are looking for what makes them different what makes them unique what makes them special and they're going to probably find some kind of niche you know or niche I'm not sure exactly the right way to say that but they're looking for some kind of niche that makes them outstanding in some way some something that can they can focus on their creativity and in that way they differentiate themselves from others and and then feel like you know their Worth and value comes from their unique contribution or their unique personality of their unique identity in a sense I think all three you know are saying the same thing I'm not like everybody else all three types to threes and fours are all saying I'm not like everybody else you know the twos are saying look people are mean people are our cold people are unloving but I'm not like that I'm loving I care about what you have to say I'm supportive of what you have to say I'm I'm pleasing I'm helpful I'm a giver and I take care of people and so I'm not like everybody else and threes you know it would you could say it like this theories would say you know people just want to show up and do half way work and you know they they're not willing to you know lay it all out on the field and and come early and stay late and work hard and and and so threes you know would maybe look at themselves like we're leaders or we have the leadership potential or the leadership drive everybody else are followers you know everybody else has followers and everybody else is just you know showing up to work to to do their job but we're going to stay harder work harder stay longer work harder and our determination and our drive is what sets us apart we're hungry and everybody else is satisfied we're hungry and we're going to overcome and we're gonna accomplish and we're gonna do great things and so we're not like everybody else in force you know I think that is the you know kind of the basis of their personality is is everybody is so mundane everybody just is so willing to just blend in and merge and become a part of the of the you know of the collective pot and and I'm not willing to do that I have to be authentic to myself and I have to be authentic to my inner voice and my inner guidance system and I've got to be real and they'll say it in those ways but I think what they're really saying is I'm not like everybody else so I think twos threes and fours all have that in common is that their is that their personalities are built on that I guess you know in a sense like every type you know it's not like everybody else you know but I don't think that that it drives the personality like it does with the with the worth group and and realize this that you know twos threes and fours they're all moving towards something all right twos are moving toward you to take care of you 3s are moving toward their goals and objectives and fours are moving toward what they feel is authentic and real to themselves they're you know but but we're not just moving toward something we're moving away from something we're moving away in the case of two threes and fours they're moving away from Shan and the shame is that sense of of worthlessness that if I don't if I don't set myself apart then Who am I for the for if I don't overcome and accomplish Who am I as a three if I'm not number one then then I'm not then Who am I I mean a - you know if I'm not loved and at the center of the web and you know tied in with all these relationships then then Who am I so all right let's that gives you a little bit of my mental framework for how I think about this you can agree or disagree it's fine but that's how I sort of think about the the two threes and fours in that worth group now further delineate you're watching this video because you want to know more about the four specifically so you know the path of integration is fours move to two and unhealth and they move to eight are to one in health okay so they're very much over on one side of the India Graham weren't they they moved to two in unhealth let's talk about let's talk about unhealth well let's let's go back to our cabin in the woods analogy and I'm using this analogy and all this this series you know the high and low side of each type for the cabin in the wood analogy is that is that four is your cabin in the woods is is the four cabin okay so you live there that's your home that's where you belong that's who you are that's your identity and and that's where you're most comfortable in in your circle of Fordyce and if you want to know what that is go watch my videos on the floor or you know do your research and I'm sure you have already that's that's where you belong now you have two neighbors on either side down the path you know one is farther away than the other but you have two neighbors that you can borrow from one of your neighbors is the three neighbor and the three of course we've already talked about the three you know is is built to achieve and built to overcome and set goals and all that so you can borrow from that energy when you get into stressful situations or you know you're in a challenging spot you you may lean over there and knock on your neighbor's door and say hey I need some of that courage I need some of that boldness I need some of that a sir I need some of that I need some of that you no sense of accomplishment and some of that power that you have and and they leaned on that three energy or that three neighbor at times to to be assertive to to set goals to to be admire Abul to people because four is you know left to themselves they might they might alienate themselves so far away from the group that that they start to look odd to people and you know I could wiki to talk about examples but when they leaned on that three energy you know threes are all concerned about looking great that's what threes are concerned about about looking great and so when fours go down on the knock on that door a little bit you know they're Baro they can borrow some of that we know what do I have to do to to rise to the top and to be admired okay now down at the other end of the woods is is your five neighbor okay in fives you know move out of the feeling group or move out move out of the worth group into the thinking group and fives are called the investigator and fives are very concerned with cerebral things they're very concerned with cognitive process they're very concerned with with observing the world as it is facts information details they're not interested in what people feel they're not interested in emotions they're not interested fives are not interested and all that they disconnect from all that stuff they're not interested in social norms and I think fours you know that lean heavy on that five wing or they go down and visit the five neighbor can be a little more less likely to care about social norms and about looking good they want to be true to themselves and they want to think great thoughts they want to have deep important weighty thoughts and so the four wing five or the four that goes to the five neighbor a lot is going to be more cerebral less less flashy less demonstrative less showy than the four three the four the liens on the five you know is going to be more like searching for meaning and and sort of like the ideas like everybody is so comfortable in there thoughtless lives in their in their simplistic lives and that for that leans their on the five is going to want they'll want to dig at you know the real meaning and purpose of things and they're gonna be much more thoughtful okay so the for you know is is a feeling type they feel things first and then look they're closest to the thinking type they're far away from the action type alright the action group so they're right next to the five so the four is gonna feel something first they're gonna feel things things are gonna come up to the surface they're gonna feel it and then they're gonna overthink what their feelings mean they're gonna sit and think about their feelings and analyze their feelings and try to understand their feelings and and that can be helpful at times but sometimes you know feelings are just feelings and they may give you some information but they may not give you the best information all the time and so some feelings and some thoughts may be are like leaves in a river you need to just let them pass and not give them too much thought not overanalyze them sometimes you just need to let some thoughts go and just realize you know these thoughts are gonna weigh me down and these feelings are not always the best source of truth for me and so I need to just you know maybe let some of these things go and not overanalyze them and get back to action because that action is what is what for is may sometimes you know withdraw from is action they can they could get trapped you know in their deep feelings and their deep thoughts about those feelings that it becomes romanticized in that these things that you're thinking and feeling may never actually become you know real in your life and so there's that there's that longing in the for for these deep you know emotional experiences and these deep thinking experiences but what can be missing in the fours life is concrete action and so when the floor is healthy they move to one you know where it's all about getting stuff done being productive and getting your list of practical things done so when fours are unhealthy they they move to two excuse me you got beat up my chest like Tarzan okay all right so fours move to two and unhealth let's talk about let's talk about what that means and let's talk about you know what can happen in a for when they're unhealthy what rises to the surface and I think I would begin this by saying that fours in their unhealth are kind of a mixed bag I don't know that you're you may see two fours responding in different ways under stress some can get more vocal and and more you know more demonstrative in their frustration where others might get more withdrawn and more silent and more you know and so both of them are under stress but the way they respond might might be unique to them a big surprise that it's gonna be unique to them alright so you know let's say force you know kid be moody you know they can already be kind of moody and temperamental well when they're under stress you might expect to see that increase and see them become more moody and more temperamental and have a tendency to make everything about them like this to get to trip over themselves like you know get upset and frustrated and then can end up kind of becoming their own worst enemy what they're feeling and what they're thinking and what they're needing and force can become self punishing but like I said it's a mixed bag some of them can become self punishing and self-loathing and others can become other punishing and other loathing and may turn the attention on and who's to blame and start punishing other people they may begin to complain more openly and you know they've kind of been maybe bottled up a little bit they've tempered themselves because they know that they might alienate people if they were just so they they have these authentic thoughts these real thoughts and they'd like to share them but they sometimes will hold those back because they know that those if they say that stuff out loud they might alienate people further when they get under stress watch that lid come off and maybe they'll just say what they've been thinking but they but they have been tempering when they aren't getting what they need they could sulk they could stop cooperating with people and they may signal through all these things you know that they need more attention and they need more than you need some care that something is wrong and they need some attention to need some some care they may act more withdrawn more melancholy more depressed and even to the point of virtually shutting down others though like I said mixed bag others may speed up the intensity and actually become more productive sort of out of anger you know but they can become more productive and you'll see them you know become more volatile and more action move to action you know as a way of responding and work harder but in sort of an anxious way not in a relaxed calm way but in the Nexxus way and they may appear to become more reactive and to respond to things even more emotionally and difficult time maybe in moderating like they are trying to moderate those emotional responses they may have a difficult time moderating those now that they're under stress and be more expressive more demonstrative and in a sense more hurtful you know some may try to control themselves you know knowing that they're going to alienate people while others let it out man they just let it go they'll let it rip and and let go of any concern about the impression that they're giving they're just angry and you're going to hear it they're going to let that anger out and again those that try to moderate themselves when the stress level gets too high like a volcano they might explode you know eventually and and let the anger out if they get hurt enough in general I think it's probably safe to say that you're gonna see II or you know from Winnie the Pooh you're gonna see Eeyore who is the proverbial kind of sad for you know melancholy focused on what's missing focus on what's not going right focused on the negative focused on what's not working to the point that in the run health make it become very pessimistic and even kind of obstruction istic you know just putting up barriers and walls and just you know I'm being difficult being difficult that's them in their unhealth now why is it go to - what does it have to do with - well I think you know when a for and gets to that point in their unhealth you know that they have sort of sense lost it and have you know let it out on people and then they'll become aware that they have alienated themselves maybe to the point you know that that they've damaged those relationships that they have the potential at least that they might have damaged those those relationships and in other words they've they've scratched you know because remember the animal for the four or is the is the cat right and so cats get up on your lap and they purr and they're nice and then for whatever reason it doesn't make sense sometimes to us the cat will just you know turn on you and bite you and scratch you and then run away okay and so when when fours are under stress you'll see them like that cat you know scratch and bite and attack and and it's sometimes over stuff that doesn't necessarily make sense it's not objective it may not be objective things that have had and that makes sense to the rest of us the rest of us kind of look at that and go wham what's their problem what's gotten into them and it may just be that the four is so sensitive and picking up things or internal things that they're not communicating that it's bothering them and so they react and then being true to themselves they react on it and then they leave and withdraw and now when they get a loan and can kind of relax a minute and get out from under the weight of all that hurt pain frustration whatever's going on in their life then you'll see them come back or wait for you to come to them wait for you to come to them or come back to you and then make up with you you know try to re-establish that connection and when you see a four trying to re-establish connection with you again after they've been you know after there's been a disconnect I think that that is what it means to see a four go to - because twos are all about connecting with you and you know focusing the attention on you and being warm with you right that's not the nature of a four to be like that right the four is going to be true to themselves and and look for what's different and all that right so when you see them connecting with you and focused on trying to re-establish connections that maybe have been broken it's a sign I think that the four has is is under stress that they're stressed that maybe these relationships are fractured okay so what if fours look like when they're on the high side well they move the one right and ones you know are the Reformers and ones are all about what needs to be done and let's get it done and let's do it in an orderly way and let's ones are concrete okay they're not than their emotions unless it's anger they're not deep in their emotional life and taking stock and all that stuff they're just give me my orders and I'll carry them out kind of people okay in floors when they're healthy they can kind of let go of all of their emotional information for a moment they can they can you know let go of their deep feelings to a degree and take all of their creative passion and move it towards something that's concrete and productive rather than just pining away at what's missing or what's wrong or why things aren't the way they ought to be like Eeyore they become productive and passionate about some real tangible useful project and they bring their creativity and their passion and their drive you know into something that is useful and productive they become more objective we can say it that way they become more objective and less subjective when you're turning inward into yourself and your feelings and what those feelings mean and thinking about that all of that is subjective all of that is subjective it's all you know hidden within you when force become more healthy they let go of some of that subjective noise and they become more objective and what was said what was meant by what was said how am I going to respond what needs to be done how are we going to get it done who's gonna be on this project and they just become more grounded in we might say the real world although I think fors might object as to what the real world is but they they become more productive and useful and less mental and I know this has got to be so painful to hear it's painful for me to say it I can't imagine as a for some of you might be just losing your minds right now I mean it may have even angry I don't know but I just be patient with me I'm trying to understand okay so at least give me that all right they focus outside themselves because where is the focus go under stress you know it's it's internal it's what am I thinking and why was that said and what did they mean by that and and maybe I don't measure up maybe I'm not enough and why am i treated like this and what you know and so under stress they're going internal in health they're looking more external at the world around and just what needs to be done and what can I do you know and how to be more productive they become more practical more practical you know more more grounded in in the practical world the objective world more disciplined not waiting for the inspiration to hit but going after goals whether I feel like it or not and just doing what needs to be done and more structured more wise creative compassionate more supportive of others and bring that creativity and that that that's that that heart into supporting other people and allowing other people to be real with them because you know fours are not going to be afraid of people being real they want people to be real they want people to be genuine bringing people together being sensitive with other people communicating their feelings yeah communicating their desires and with self-awareness but then being able to let some of those feelings go and not give them too much attention not overanalyze those things let them go communicating more honestly something force you know are inclined to do communicate honestly but with the sense of compassion in support and welcoming people's real selves you know into the into the environment authentically supporting people helping others thrive and enjoy what they're doing so I think this is you know a brief summary of the paths of integration or the lines of integration and disintegration realize that if you're unhealthy you know you're in the outhouse you're down at the bottom of the hill so your cabin you know is right here in the middle and you got the three neighbor and the five neighbor when you're when you're in your place of unhealth and you're you're angry you're hurt you feel isolated you feel misunderstood you feel taken for granted you feel like everybody else remember the sin of a4 is NV everybody's life is working for them and everybody seems to be you know fitting in and has their sense of belonging and their place and you are left behind and you've not been given a fair you know deal at life just realize where you're at you're in your own house you're at the bottom of the hill in the outhouse and you know maybe it you know this is where you go for relief all right you you're there for a reason and it's okay to be there it's okay to to be there you find yourself there and you're you're hurt and you're you you feel lost and you're angry and you're bitter and you're melancholy and you're sad and all those things right you may be very creative while you're there you know that pain and that anger and that frustration and that hurt that kept those are all powerful motivators and it can motivate you to be very creative you might write your best you know journal entries or your best songs or you know even do some of your best art you know or whatever it is that you're into in that state but but at what cost to yourself are you you allowing yourself to stay there you know I mean just think of it like this when you're in your outhouse just recognize that that's where you're at I'm not saying fix yourself I'm just saying just become aware becomes self-aware that oh here I am no wonder I feel like garbage because I'm in my outhouse it smells bad you know this is not where I belong I know I don't want to stay here and then you can decide you know once you realize that's where you're at and you become self-aware you can realize you know I can stay here as long as I want and you have every right to you have every right to just stay there and be miserable and to be hurt you can stay there for as long as you want to stay there but it's not realistic to think that a lot of people are gonna want to visit with you when you're in your outhouse it's not realistic you know to think that people even the ones that want to rescue you want to want to come down there to the outhouse where you're at so you got to make a decision you know how long do I want to stay here and then what do I got to do to get back up to my cabin you know because I don't want to live in an outhouse I don't want to live down here I don't want to make this my address so I'm going to take some steps let's just say that I'm going to open some doors and take some steps to get back to health I'm going to let go of some of those feelings that I have and let go of some of these emotions and maybe I could be honest but I don't have to be honest at the point of hurting other people's feelings maybe I maybe I can just let some things go and just you know let them pass and they don't have to keep me from being productive they don't have to keep me from being connected and they don't have to keep me these feelings and thoughts that I'm having don't have to keep me powerless and keep me from moving back up to a place of health and then you know when you're in that cat when you're in your cabin where you belong you know and things are going relatively well and you feel like you're relating good to life positively to life remember that there's a whole orchard above you at the hilltop you know where all the fruit trees are of all the type one energy ok that's your that's your orchard up at the top of the hill and you can decide that you know I want to go up and pick some fruit you know and and be productive and I'm gonna I'm gonna take some steps beyond you know to to health of you know ask myself some questions you know what can I do right now to be productive and to be useful and what needs to be done and what have I been avoiding that I that I'm that I need to put down into practical steps and just accomplish you know what what good work do I need to do and how can my work you know be useful helpful productive supportive and you're moving then into that one energy which is your healthiest place to be you're not gonna stay there and you're not gonna do one things like a one would do it you're gonna do it like a four which is great which is great you're gonna do it with creativity and inspiration and with meaning and you're not just checking things off a list like a one might do you know frustratedly checking stuff off a list because nobody else is gonna do it you're gonna do your thing with passion and with zeal and with heart and with emotion and it's gonna be inspirational to other people if you can just not trip over yourself if you could not take yourself so seriously that you get in your own way of being successful in being productive and being useful and you're gonna find that you are most happy most content most alive when you are productive useful and helpful and supportive of other people when you're not thinking about yourself and again you're not gonna stay at one you're gonna come back to your for place and that's fine that's where you live that's where you belong but every once in a while you know you you got to you got to get up on the top of that hill where the fruit is and when you realize that you're stuck down there in the outhouse just be honest with yourself and just say this is where I'm at and I don't want to stay here it's not my home in fact it stinks and no wonder nobody wants to visit me all right well thank you guys have a great day always be present to life be present to life what does that mean for for well I think a four could get lost in their fantasy of the way things should be an ought to be that they have a hard time accepting the way things are and the way things are is the world you live in and you know it's great to have a desire of what you want it to be like but some things you can control and those things you should things you can't control you learn to surrender you learn to accept you learn to live with and you know for a for is about being present to life and not just your inner life but to but to the objective life the way things are okay thank you guys as always you know in my description if you want to get in touch with me I do FaceTime and Skype appointments with people all the time and you know I know I'm helped and I hope they are too so whatever I can do for you just let me know thanks and blessings [Music]

Channel: Dr. Tom LaHue

Views: 50,629

Rating: 4.9371614 out of 5

Keywords: Enneagram, Family, love, relationships, home, personalities, parenting, type 4, type four, enneagram type 4

Id: oRvORC5fF6U

Length: 34min 26sec (2066 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 24 2020