Dylan Moran Has A Fight With A Coffee Barista | OFF THE HOOK | Universal Comedy

one morning my wife woke me up i just heard this voice sunday morning 7am midnight right and i'm in deep communion with the pillow the pillow is here i heard this voice damn what did it was wake up what is it the rabbit rabbit no listen the rabbit is dead no really he is listen he has no head i had to get up i went into the garden there was this perfect rabbit perfect not a hair at a place not a drop of blood not a blade of grass moved no head nothing and a five-layer modernist fox right beside him might as well have had a card in the top saying that's how i do i'll see you later it was amazing the threat and so then we had to get a dog they wanted to get a dog she'll do dog dog dog no no no no no i'm staying now of course we have a dog of course we do because i'm the father this is people don't listen to fathers that's the truth because they don't fathers are not considered people in families they're not a big force yes an elemental force even sure but not a person look at the christmas presents fathers get nobody knows who this guy is that's why they come up to him that's why they come up to him and they go here you go we got you it's uh what is it it's a woolly penguin you squeeze it it says dutch you might like it they don't know who he is it's a giant clog clog made out of lunch meats from all over the world you get into it it plays the austrian national anthem i don't know we thought it might be your thing do you know who the guy is so of course we have a dog now i didn't want to be here standing talking about my dog either okay that was never the plan for me i didn't want a dog i didn't want to stand up here and talk about it you know i remember passing these guys in the hills around where we live these guys standing there in their barber jackets with some huge animal on a lead taking a in the weeds and they would look at you with this face as if to go what can you do eh well you could not look around for excuses for giving up on your dreams you loser that's what you could do i used to think that i didn't say it now i don't think it i just say morning bob hold him down so anyway so we're gonna get this pop from this friend of mine and um he wanted to meet in this coffee shop place now near near where he lives so i went and um it was one of these places and they've popped up everywhere they are everywhere now london's full of them and you know what i'm talking about they're really cool and this stripped back wood and just bare brick no real furniture just you know coffee sacks it's too cool for furniture just coffee sacks and half of an old surfboard sign from the 1950s something like that i it's very intimidating if you're of a certain age i walked in i was the only person who did not have an edwardian cricketer's beard i'm very excluded i felt and everybody has a lot of tattoos tattoos used to be an anchor or a girl or a tiger now there's the book of deuteronomy and it's becoming lord of the rings it doesn't stop it just goes to wrap around the whole piercings everywhere it looks like somebody's gone by the building and just gone a lot of very earnest conversations yeah hugo we should we should open a cauliflower bar we should yeah brilliant idea a ukulele patio that's a great idea miles yeah let's do it let's crowdsource that people having those conversations the tattoos the piercings one man with an actual javelin through his chest nodding in the corner and so i'm very intimidated i go up to the chief beard in front of his harley-davidson coffee machine there's too many coffees there's too many different types of frittata i don't want that mr cartacino just give me a cup of coffee please i said did you put two shots in the coffee here he goes yeah like it insulted generations of his family i said well can i get it in a slightly bigger cup please thank you and he went yeah you could and he didn't move i thought maybe this is a new thing too so i just stood there looking at him he didn't move thinking make it so i know you're resentful of me and everything because you have a degree in marine accountancy or whatever it is and you have to pull coffee for a living but that's the way it happens sometimes yes please can you do this what happens next he's staring at me and he said you could but you're gonna lose the umaminess of the single origin bean that's what the man said okay i said okay but you can still do it right it's pretty neutral very mature isn't it mature then he said yeah but it'll get readily diffused on the camber of the cup i don't know what i said then because we were on the street all of a sudden and he was saying some stuff about coffee i was making some speculations about him and his place in the universe and in what possible continuum he might get laid and it ended with me walking away and him shouting after me enjoy your attitude problem enjoy your life so i was really really mad okay i was furious mainly at myself for losing my temper so i go to my friend's house and my friend is annoying at the best of this times and he didn't understand the situation at all he's one of these people okay he's always keeping up with cool stuff and telling me what i should watch and read and what i should be doing and all you know have you seen the new scandinavian crime series i haven't no it's brilliant this black and nasty knack knock it's finished it translates as hot it's about these it's about these three detective fishermen who get trapped in the hut over the winter they're all in love with each other one of them goes death because it's so cold the other one gets fat because there's a lot of bait hidden in the hood of his parker the other one is narcoleptic and insomniac he spends the whole time just doing this it lasts for a year and your half you have to see it in the original finish otherwise you lose all the new wagon knocks which is finished from nuance and so there's all that right and he didn't understand the coffee situation he was just following me around going how can you argue with the coffee guy hi can i get coffee who can you have an argument i didn't want to talk to him i just wanted to sit down i wanted to sit down and i tried to sit down on this woolly chair put a shat on me and then he came running over oh you found the dog you found the dog because he didn't have a proper dog you know he had one of these modern doodle schnoodle good dogs what happened to dogs the dogs you know dogs labradors i grew up with those classic dogs labradors it's a human being in dog form you know what it is it's walking around going have you seen my glasses i don't know where they are i'm sorry have you got the crossword and even if they're annoying you can recognize them you know a spaniel you know it's like some drunk auntie at a party one whose ears keep going into their mouth and they have to spit them out and it's fine you almost pan you'll both be the spaniard i think barnard they're ludicrous looking but you know what they are okay they're that that dog the one where you go up the mountain because you're a dick all those people doing those sports the ridiculous sports calling you in the middle of the night in january i am stuck up the mountain it didn't go well the mountain at night in january how does it go right what are you doing we're having a curry go away click there to all of those people doing those sports fly diving and hole-finding they're responsible for their own actions okay if you want a sense of danger stop wasting everybody's time okay blindfold yourself and walk around your flat have a friend hit you with a stick but if you go if you go up the mountain you know the dog it's the dog that comes over and drinks brandy watching you die it's that dog but he didn't have a proper dog he didn't have a proper one he had one of these these dogs you don't know what they are it looks like a car wash my teeth you don't know what it is and he came running over he said you found him that's our schnapper daniel he's on his knees tickling the dog he's called mr beans isn't he adorable we called him mr beans because the first thing he did when he came in the apartment was he jumped up on that table over there and he ate a plate of beans isn't that adorable i said um i i i also like beans my name is not mr beans my name is mr shoes because i have on my shoes when you're quite finished giving mr beans a or whatever you're doing there i would like a towel or shovel or something okay thank you very much you

Channel: Universal Comedy

Views: 306,505

Rating: 4.919384 out of 5

Keywords: Comedy, Universal Comedy, Universal, Stand Up, Stand Up Comedy, Comedian, Stand Up Comedian, dylan moran boxing highlights, dylan moran stand up, dylan moran conor mcgregor, dylan moran monster, dylan moran germany, dylan moran vs jake paul, dylan moran americans, dylan moran french, dylan moran off the hook, dylan moran interview, dylan moran off the hook full, dylan moran stand up 2020, dylan moran stand up off the hook, dylan moran starbucks, dylan moran stand up 2019

Id: u1B3kI4nQeQ

Length: 10min 22sec (622 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 22 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/ScarsTheVampire]

You could swear he walked straight from Black Books onto this stage.

[u/urquanlord88]

Do I hear Jimmy Carr in the background?