Ricky Gervais Newest 2017 - Ricky Gervais Stand Up Comedian Show

[Applause] thank you thank you as amazing welcome I should explain something straight away usually when I come on stage it's amazing okay I'm doing cartwheels and backflips right I've hurt my back that's - actually I've pulled a muscle in my spine playing golf I know you thinking seriously right for playing such a stupid game as golf but no I've been in agony I'm actually on painkillers right now so no it's true if I suddenly start talking like Paula Abdul you're no why so when the doctor this - well the doctor gave me the painkillers he said now you can't drink alcohol with these and I went I don't want them then what I said give me some you can drink alcohol wave all right anyway well you're not going to drink with any painkillers oh you are [ __ ] mother just so I've been walking around like the Elephant Man for buyers but without the big [ __ ] obviously I'll assume the other big elephant to cop too much the head though that would make things alright then wouldn't it that would sort of balance it out no please they need look at the mirror and the buns on me so yeah that's my problems I didn't cancel though I don't hate that one night is cancelled uterus concept canceled due the sore throat oh I couldn't go on always depressed oh poorly an artist oh can you imagine the laborer trying that so I'm going I've got a little tickle and I'm fed up ah move the [ __ ] brakes mate never cancel I had a gig in Dublin a couple of months ago okay and as you know doubling this in Ireland which is offer yeah it's off the coast of Great Britain it's not part of Britain but it's it's very close it's sort of like our Cuba I suppose [Applause] and so okay so Dublin OH - arena 10,000 seats sold out when the Vance flights but really looking forward to it a few days before the gig they start grounding the error planks because there's a volcanic ash cloud over Britain okay and if you slice through it apparently it make the plane fall out of the sky and there's like that was it you couldn't fly in that I mean a volcano goes off in Iceland and we can't but what's the point of Iceland really just fill in all the volcanoes with concrete okay just in fact tarmac the whole country make it a carpark for real Europe because it's a waste of [ __ ] space okay and so I'm thinking well I've gotta get there I can't cancel and there were sort of pop stars and people coming over America and they were cancelling their flight because they couldn't get in and out I thought I can't so I hired a helicopter to and from Dublin it cost me twelve thousand pounds right just [ __ ] bear to let anyone down or take the ferry I was still running chalk but that would have meant mixing with the general public and I don't this is about as close as I ever so I don't know if you're affected by the volcanic ash cloud but I had friends that were stuck all over the world and I miss weddings and funerals and I had to put themselves up in a hotel for extra day the van budgeted for and they couldn't get their money back because the airlines were saying no we can't pay you because the insurance companies won't pay us because they're saying it's an act of God well what is an act of God look if you believe in God that's sort of a definition of him is that he does everything isn't that right everything is an act of him is all-powerful is everywhere at what he invented every there was nothing before him invented time everything he's across it all okay he doesn't miss a trick and it's not absent-minded a volcano going off it's not you going [ __ ] I left the oven on its and there were these insurance companies that can decide what is and isn't active time how do they know okay they got a hotline to God they called him up today ring ring ring ring yellow because I speak to God please speaking oh I didn't think you'd asked the phone is what you are um that volcanic ash cloud was that you all right so I shouldn't pay out no don't [ __ ] penny son while I've got you here um did you make a tree fall on Steve Baxter's car as a nasty Baxters Steve Baxter to acacia road Hounslow it happened at 2:15 on the 3rd of June this year to 1533 no that wasn't me I was in Africa back they give it aids to babies he does everything he does everything I don't make the rules Allah well I'm glad I didn't cancel cuz it's fantastic to me I've seen you a happy smiley face it's probably feeling very fortunate the you managed to get a ticket to see a living legend or mine I know I know you lucky [ __ ] hooey I'm joking of course the pleasure is all mine thank you so much for coming out spending your hard-earned cash I know there's been a recession on someone told me I didn't really this still got on being honest now come on I don't understand the recession it was until last year I found out you could go into your bank and say I withdraw my cash and they could go no what no Nick darling I've got 50,000 pounds Abe why was it lasting have you checked the vault this empty what was the point of you might as well kept it need Roy's little [ __ ] I hope you enjoy the show um oh yeah let me know when you fight a summer funny your laughs and I'll go oh I'll keep that in for the rest of the tour if as I said it is it funny you won't laugh and a guy lose that bit so some bits tonight it will be exclusive to you they they they will be the [ __ ] bits grant it okay let's start the show let's get on with it no one wants to be here all night um you can have too much of a good thing ganya look like heroin what although too much heroin is death basically that's when you know you have too much you off [ __ ] about you I'm dead oh that's the thing though with heroin you know try anything once kids sure but know this I know no you think God try I tried Harry I'll just try one give me give me a heroin give me one heroin okay just just have one Oh what's it like always [ __ ] lovely I want more I can't just tap it's like Pringles it's like what one should pop you can't stop that's I think that's how it works I'm not an expert believe it or not I've never been a heroin addict no round of applause for that see no see no but never having been a heroin addict if either come out and go yeah I used to be a heroin other I used to mug people and [ __ ] myself in doorways yeah those things for a while yes he has been those things that we never did in the first place why are you plotting someone for suddenly acting like a normal member of society it's like I've lost a bit of weight I've lost about 20 pounds exactly [Music] [Applause] me only eating as much as I go oh oh well done you look great but they won't turn you look terrible they're saying I looked out but no one told me the time is really taboo I needed way is to come over and go [ __ ] off you mother nah and I've been criticized in the past for having a girl up our people I've never had a girl our people I've only ever pointed out the fact that you get far if you take in more calories than you burn off that's simple science I don't judge them in any other aspect of their life but that's what happens you get fat if you take in more calories than you burn off okay and that's indisputable okay now the thing is people think I'm having a go I'm not because I don't judge them if I see a fat person I don't make assumptions by him other than how they got fat and this is the other thing they not know wait wait not only is that what makes you fat people know that's what's making her fat no one got fat behind their own back no one and they're okay it's not a surprise it's a gradual process you have loads of time to back out from this project also no one sneaking into thin people's apartments and injecting their lettuce with a million calories that doesn't happen okay they know what's too few good reply when he's surrounded by cakes and pies right and you go you know what's making you fat no no he doesn't go who's all the running he knows what but I don't make judgments okay other than how they got fat okay if I see a fat person I don't go oh he's fat therefore he's jolly right a lot of miserable all right if I see a fat girl I don't go oh she'd be pretty if she lost weight that's rarely the case so don't fall for that okay well a lot of them started eating because they had [ __ ] or to lose so no but there's no stigma attached because but people don't even want to use the words right now because I think it's derogatory it's a real taboo subject so they use euphemisms they go oh you know Brenda the big girl what seventh but known what she look like Brenda you know she's the one who's prom even in winter just say she's fine like you know Brenda them she's out of breath just standing up after death but even though it is their own fault and it is their own fault I feel sorry for them right now I do particularly particularly fat women because fat is a feminist issue men get fat and we just go [ __ ] it Obara pay for you know we don't come under the same constraints of society or as women oh inundated with images of glory you should be size zero models this diet that diet look like this keep your mind and then make such an effort don't lean fat girls they've all got lovely hair all smiles all right they make an effort anything but jogging all right I love high heels okay they think it makes their legs look less it doesn't just keep me just hear him coming now I don't want people to feel uncomfortable one of my gigs so next time buy two seats I'm just pointing out you know I was listening to the radio in England a few weeks back radio for quite highbrow there was discussion about political correctness my name came up straightaway all right and there was a song on there going oh yeah well it's it's not right I'm Ricky Gervais and he makes jokes about fat people and he wouldn't make jokes about gay people would be and being fat is like being gay is not what you can't choose your sexuality as we've established you choose whether to eat too much or not you know yeah with with your sexuality you're born you grow up you discover you like same-sex relationships and that's it you're gay okay for big guy to be the same as being far you'd have to be born be straight grow up knowing you're straight but gradually and consciously wean yourself onto cop Oh happy 16th birthday son this is Raul suck his [ __ ] sorry father suck his [ __ ] sixteen now struck his car I'm heterosexual Oh with his newfangled words suck his [ __ ] come on I don't like pop father doesn't my cup how do you know if you've never tried it so kiss I've sucked one [ __ ] so that's not sucking it as playing with you put it in your mouth Oh have a girl you might like it oh it's not so bad is it oh I [ __ ] love these if that happened then being gay would be the same as being in fact but it doesn't so it's not okay I was on a plane last year ok go from New York to LA and me and my girlfriend were one side of the plane there was the aisle and the other side there were these two huge fat women ok proper proper proper fat one of them just got on them when can I have about extension yeah cool she can even end it right so proper in fact I was thinking of calling the pilot out and going Syd one of us swapped with one of them otherwise we just go into Canada do not believe words and one of them was even fat I'm the other one okay and she was there and she got on the plane with one of those takeaway buckets of fast food bucket I mean there's your first clue when did that happen when did fat people just give up when did they go into a shop go oh [ __ ] it just treat me like a farmyard animal really give me in a bucket if I just strap it to my [ __ ] head breathe you want your meal in a bucket yes so she's there and she's chowing down right and I swear she turns to her fat friend and says this is the best fried chicken I've had all day but I'm not I'm gonna go I'm not gonna go no I'm not no I'm not because even though it is their own fault and it is their own fault I don't know if you know this about front people um they [ __ ] love cake you love it and I blame the food industries because you going to suit market and it's just pack for that stuff everything's fat with hydrogenated fats and extra calories and sugar and butter and everything and they love that okay and it's always a big toys now to a supermarket it's awesome they look quadruple doors now no one's ever been too fat to get you the door of a supermarket okay opens automatically so that after Weis power is pushing anything there's just and it's a big job herbs or Mac he's used his glass and they can see the pie from down the road now in like that grazing right so I say keep the big door keep the big door sure keep the big door come on some people come and they go but when they get in there it's all fresh fruit and veg it's all whole-grain it's all stuff that's good fear okay who's there be confused at first they vote work that's not real food to them they think Brussels sprouts is packaging we're looking at where's the cakes where's the cakes the cakes are over here but the cakes are through different door but this door is human-sized okay so now they go is the cakes look at the end [Music] they conk out again no but I mean but we've gotta do something we've gotta intervene and people say no he's trying to deal with you it's up to them it's their body it's their life and that's true but we don't say that about wearing crash helmets or if you've got a herring of it from the family you don't go oh it's his life you love zeroing you know you go really you've got to stop this you could please stay dying you get everything thrown in a cupboard for three weeks or something big I you can't throw a fat person in the car we didn't you're backing like me but you know heroin addicts are that way nothing you can throw them around willy-nilly right if I went there lying there with the needle won't you just get the needle and flick and they just go into the cupboard like that okay fat people but I lure them in and it'll try the chocolate and they just follow that anywhere but we've got to do something because a third of the world or obese and the third of the world are starving the fat ones are eating the skinny ones food by for me I know most the skinny ones are in Africa so out of sight our mind I know but no no I can talk about Asperger like that because I'm from Britain and we used to own it we did we'll be at the Empire and we ruled the world before you took over we used we are owned after but then in the fifties sixties Africa wanted to be South fooled they wanted independence and they said no we'd like to run ourselves and we went fine so gradually we started giving Africa back to the Africans at minus-7 is it was totally run by the you know Africans themselves and of course in the a is we get a phone call hello hello who's that Africa what do you want we're starving you should have thought of that before you wanted independence well we didn't know there'd be a drought did we drought I'll give you a drought this is true when I was a kid I was about ten we had a really long hot summer okay and there was a hosepipe ban you couldn't water your flowers we've all suffered so that's true actually one long hot summer and the war around out and we didn't know what to do we thought what could we do and there was people coming around your house trying to tell you how to conserve us and things like when you brush your teeth don't let the tap just run you know put a little plaster and they came and they'll put in house Briggs in the cistern of the toilet to save one and there was Public Information films on the on the television there was one advert that was like it was like an animation and it was like a couple in the bath and it said conserve water take a bath with a friend which I did I say a friend he was more friend of a granddad's [Music] [Applause] ten pounds is a lot to kid in England Wow they taught me a lot they taught me a lot stuff like you don't wash it like that give it here now is it was a sweet old man I used to call him granddad Charlie it wasn't my real granddaddy was just no bloke that lived across the road he used to come out with every saw my parents go out right and we've come round mom and dad oh yeah Oh watch was she a magic trick yeah draw the curtains by and um it made me close my eyes okay and he'd sit down he put a top hat on his lap like that my magic hat right and eco clothes why just a cousin feel the magic rabbit and I still got much fun I used to go in I used to feel a little but weird little figure was didn't have any fur or is I aims to go and it was scratch sniff it was it was my and a major stroke it for and I stroked his so fast one that it was sick all down my [Applause] [Music] where was I oh yes farming farming is a problem which brings me to this next fad that we need to stamp out this happened Christmas before last exchanging gifts and with old friends good friends um quite well-off friends from being my son I got them a coffee maker machine from Harrods top-of-the-range they loved it I gave me my present was just an envelope I thought oh what's this vouchers open up it wasn't voters and it was just a card with a picture of a go on it I said what's this they went Oh our gift to you is we gave a goat or African family what I'm looking at the coffee machine thing is it too late to take that back because it's you what is it oh um we we gave a go to an African family did you so I've got fuck-all then basically I mean I don't even know this African family why would I give them a go it doesn't matter it serves no purpose at all no but this is no good for anyone they're 50 quid down I've got nothing the African farm is going not another mouth to feed the goat is going where the [ __ ] a week I was gambling around the Cotswolds that was there was grass and toys with knots and this is a [ __ ] Dust Bowl there's no way that guy wanted to go to Africa it was basically that was kidnapped it was abducted it was put in a sack and bundle our boat traffic like roots in Reverse there is no there is no way they went a little scary when definitely not no no oh come on why didn't you under in Africa come on why didn't you want to live in Africa what I shouldn't affect you it should so just be careful with that cherry [ __ ] particularly at Christmas that's when they get ya they give you a guilt trip at Christmas all the adverts of acharya christmas just sitting at home on ya having your Christmas lunch loads of food too much food probably you know throw a lot of it why all right and things like this come on the Tony this runs every Christmas day in England it goes is there an old lady near you cold and lonely this Christmas yeah [ __ ] nosy [ __ ] wasn't it all year round I can't wait from the cold weather there's no old lady near me she died last year of hypothermia so resolved yeah brilliant the other big one is a doggies for life not just for Christmas right behind now I'm really into animal welfare and that's obviously aimed at parents whose kids go can I have a copy can I have a puppy okay no gonna have a pup you can offer oh and I get them a puppy to shut them up right and the kid likes it when it's cute it grows up kid gets other interest gets over the dog they number the parents with it the parents get four but if they abandon it 11,000 pets for a band in England last year which is terrible and I think you know kids should have pets I think it teaches them life lessons I haven't got kids of my own but loads of niece and nephews make up kids their own now and I want to be a cool uncle and give them what they want but I want to be a responsible one too and not add to the stray problem but I think I've solved the dilemma is it it this is what I do anyway you got on way to a Christmas Eve and always go to an animal rescue centre not a breeder and I'd go along to the Animal Rescue Centre Christmas Eve and I go to the veterinary part and they've usually got like a run who's been born sort of disabled with no quality of life and they're just putting that out of its misery but I don't know don't kill that one I'll take that one and I go it's only gonna live a dummy [Applause] don't stop Starbucks rushing I'll call my name she comes right I'm quickly probably your best don't put your puppy yeah go quick come try with it and she tanks at the bed with her Christmas aim and she sleeps and she wakes up Christmas days dead cold stiff God so result not a problem and they always come down the next day oh what the puppy uncle caught you me do this bit and whatever happened after that isn't this problem yeah oh maybe you rolled over the night Oh and they stop I kill my poppet my father oh no you didn't kill your papi Jesus killed your puppy on his birthday cuz you didn't spend enough on your uncle's Christmas present they usually put their ideas up the next year the other big campaign at Christmas don't drink and drive right behind that as well a lot more stigma attached to that these days when I was growing up it was whether you put away with it or not but people now know it's or it's it wrecks lives I'd be getting in a car when I was a kid with grown ups family okay no you can't you can't drive you had too much to drink and I guess I won't get caught and then and but now that people know that's that's right I've done it once and I'm not proud of it I'm [ __ ] ashamed of it and that was Christmas I wasn't drunk when I was over the limit and I took the car out and I knew I shouldn't I knew I shouldn't be driving but I learned my lesson because I nearly killed an hour woman and now in the end I didn't kill her in the end I just raped her but as I say nothing kind of it um luckily for me a thousand-to-one shot she had Alzheimer's so not a credible witness spiders or spiders they're always ready aren't they are they was ready for they're always ready for action a spider it's always completely [ __ ] ready for action like that always ready for action always I mean some animals are sometimes ready you start on a cat and it go for a few seconds and it goes back to chill with most the time a cat it's just laying on the floor and it just on this side all four limbs just stretched out in one direction you will never see a spine like that you're nervous hiss fighter just relying on the carpet all right its head down and all light legs just stretched out always ready okay and it was ready in every direction like the [ __ ] matrix they have to turn they've got ten eyes eight legs and ten eyes it's over the top okay and they're even ready where you don't think they're ready you can see an empty web okay and you go that's fired is not ready no touch the web what touch the web and it's there I [ __ ] hate them 37,000 different species of spider 37,000 different species of spider I mean millions and billions of individuals in each species and that's just one class arachnid of one phylum Arthropoda there could be five million species of animal alive now on the earth best guess okay and that's one percent of all animal species that have ever existed 99% of all animal species that ever existed in our extinct and that remaining 1% is five million strong take one of those species termites if we were to weigh every termite alive now it would be ten times the tonnage of every human being on earth and it statistics like that but made me think that this book isn't totally accurate [Applause] it's the book of Noah the children's edition I actually thought this awarded to me when I used to go to the Sunday school every week I believed in all this turn I was eight sin add this Sunday school presented to Ricky Gervais is our i double ki the [ __ ] mongoose [Applause] for regular attendance not even being good at anything just for turning up right he's always there give him a prize he be back thank you let's have a look at the evidence long long ago when God first made the earth I'll let both these points go beyond time all right long long ago by the way according to the Bible is 5,000 years according to the Old Testament the earth is no older than five thousand years old ok it's actually 4.6 billion years old let's pop that in popper 4.6 billion years ago when God first made the earth and sky alright don't big up it's like it comes as a package really doesn't it I mean jamming the sky was never an optional extra it's like God made your planet I can't breathe would you like it out there course I [ __ ] would so well done everything was peaceful everything beautiful God made human beings too and he wanted them to be good like himself Aragon but very soon they wanted their own way they would not listen to God they became wicked and did wicked things look I'm doing wicked things there you don't get much more wicked than that they're [ __ ] I'll [ __ ] off wicked God just looking on Oh carry on co-op and Swami's bloke they're running off with a big bag of money don't put it in a bank you can God looked at them and said to himself they are so wicked I would have to wipe them off the face of the earth real straight to genocide what happened to one verbal and two written warnings struck straight of the annihilation of the entire human race because of fancy yellow trousers I'll read that to karl Pilkington right here is yes head like a [ __ ] orange I know yeah and I read that bit to him they are so wicked I have heartless face the earth and Carl said he sounds gay I said look what you mean you know some gays repeat that huh he thought God was like having a hissy fit I said Carl God is not gay okay read the Bible he hates them they are so wicked I will often wipe them off the face of the earth but he's not guy God is not going but there was one man who are still very good his name was Noah he was a friend of God just a friend said I know just a friend a friend with big hoop earrings [Applause] [Music] Russia - he lives in a cave what's he doing with this what are you doing seeing God you never know handlebar moustache holding God's hand who's wearing a blouse God is not gay God said to Noah I am so angry with men [Applause] you mean men and women whatever I am so angry with men but I've made my mind up to destroy them all I have stretched my bow in the sky is a rainbow that's got to be the world's first fun hasn't it it will make so much rain pour down on earth so everything I'll be drowned but not you are we to build an ark can we speed up a big boat with three decks and a roof over it yeah I'm going to build a boat mate and you will make a door in the side of it do you think complete idea I feel Noah did exactly what God told him and then God said to Noah now okay okay now this is aimed at children and Madeley but it's taken from the Old Testament story in the Bible but I don't think the author of this book is a zoologist and as we've said there could be five million species of animal I don't think he knows them all the way backs out very quickly in this next sentence okay I want you to take two of every kind of animal with you to the ark two lines two tigers two elephants and so on [Applause] what about lions tigers elephants so on on you go look after them well and keep them alive and now I did what God said now I just study that scenario okay so God is angry with mankind he's fed up and they're wicked right it's gonna wipe them out and just start again with Noah and his wife exactly the animals too for some reason so he's gonna start again with just two of each species cause a flood they build not know goes right - OHP - just - what quick first - there's a stampede - elephants - tucán just walking it's no rush just strolling baby I think this one is a bit more concerned than this one this one's probably going should we fly no no I'll get a Zissou night [Applause] sure yeah I mean we have you've got wings you've got fee as well why don't you order pushing the elephant's looking at me funny yeah I [ __ ] haha if you try and push it I'm gonna stamp on you you you big nose [ __ ] what do you mean no I just pot calling kettle black what the [ __ ] does that mean what is pot we know for pots but I'll forget it I can't forget it I'm a - camels - lions - ostriches - leopards two tigers - zebra ah here's the crux of my point just one species on the ark at the moment the giraffes I got their first longer legs okay five million more species - to get on there so - of it so - two animals on the ark of them and ten million more animals to God ten million more of those okay ten million okay as far as 10 million of them to get on there just to on there at the moment look how much room there are already taken up it's 1/3 capacity what's it going to be like on there when these two fat [ __ ] get on then God bent above his anger and the rain came flooding down covering the earth with water it rained for 40 days and nights the flood water rose higher and higher until he covered the tops of the highest mountains every living thing was drowned except Noah and the animals in the ark and the fish they were fine whatever fine they would love in it they were better off in fact all the sea creatures I mean mountains underwater their domains of increased like tenfold what so so much more interesting you've got crabs going before I think of that when you see on the news like if there's a little village in Gloucester flooded or something it's really sad to see if you could have lost their homes Marin dinghies and they're carrying their packs and you see a little row of antique shops completely underwater and I think of a fish just look in the window of an antique shop for the first time so that's her shares long for a hundred and fifty days the earth was covered with water that no open the window of the Ark and looked out the water seemed to be going down but how could he be sure well ask God you've been chatting to them all the way through Wow why are they getting cryptic all of a sudden he sent a raven out but it soon came flying back he could find nowhere to set on no wait is another week and he said I'd done why did the Raven lose this job but the Dove came back to see the Raven wasn't bullshitting misses there was still no dry land anywhere but one day the Dove flew out and why did the dogs get a second go and not the raven racist but one day the Dove flew out on port rocket green olive branch and now I knew that God was no longer angry then God told Noah to let the animals out of the ark that was once fulfill the earth and living things the first thing now I did was to build an altar he offered a sacrifice to God to thank him for saving them and Noah said I'll make a pact of friendship with you I would never again send a flood to destroy the earth the rainbow which I put in the sky will no longer be a sign of my anger but a sign of peace it will be a sign of my friendship with men [Applause] that is how it is used today they took it literally it will be a sign of my friendship with man which begins today in which my son Jesus will one day prove by shedding his blood for men who your see it was wasn't a teaser campaign in the Old Testament coming soon the sequel and so when you have done wrong and you are feeling very sad about it think of the rainbow and the peaks which God wants to put into your heart he has promised to be your friend promised to be his and that's just one of 12 in the dove book series I've only got one number 9 now although I think my favorite would be number 8 just from the title Jesus and the crippled thank you Cheers [Applause] I I read that whole book to Carl and he believed it all why wouldn't he it's written down and um I said Carl think how could I get 10 million animals on a boat car when they say it was a big boat yeah they did that's true I said but they're all part of the food chain they would have literally had to eat in each other to survive why didn't the lion eat the antelope why didn't the spider eat the fly and Carl said cuz in a crisis you all pull together amazing I'd love to do a book of his quotes I love books of quotations I love just reading them for pleasure I've got a few of these compilations and then one of my heroes is Winston Churchill and when I read give us the tools and we will finish the job about how inspiring and when I read never in the field of human conflict was so much owed by so many to so few I thought well Patrick and when I read it as a good thing for an uneducated man to read books of quotations I thought you cheeky fat gift people always say to me that Oscar Wilde is the greatest genius that's ever lived someone look at the evidence okay here's one of his all women become like their mothers that is their tragedy no man does that is his that sounds a bit gay to me just give me another there's another one I couldn't help it I can resist everything except temptation sounds gay as well I think I want to start that with a loo I want to go or what could now fit you know I mean I want to end it with I can possess everything except temptation chance to be a fine thing you know I and when he went through customs in New York all those years ago and the customs officer just doing his job said have you anything to declare Oscar Wilde famously said nothing but my genius wasn't witty I bet he planned that I bet the first time we went through customs in a foreign country was all yes sir no sir and leave declare no thanks undergo always doing that excuse me can I go back sit no oh yeah that's right weeks in those days back on the boat to England just think that I they say that again and they declare nothing but a genius have been a book quotations that it gets there again weeks later finds the same bloke goes up to him focus on you go didn't even [ __ ] ask me that excuse me I didn't ask we've only random [ __ ] random right back on the boat three weeks later okay it's there this time finds the same bloke this time he's starting looking shifty so he gets picked out right did you buy anything that's not the question saving and live to declare okay have you anything to declare nothing but my genius who's the butt plugs they're mine incarcerated in red in jail for homosexuality we've come a long way we're being punishable to total equality as it should be of course in England the guide you consent same as hep sexuality now 16 and even gay marriage although ironically the one place that was really ahead of the game fell behind a little at the last election California they had a referendum they put it to the vote and they voted no to gay marriage I mean in California best people doing that's why we moved it I mean it's a strange sort of bigotry that you can affect someone else's lifestyle that doesn't affect you back it's not that they ask the bloke once said sorry um do you mind if these two men get married they went no fine okay Jack him off then it's also strange sort of bigotry because these people that object that were presumably the same people that said you know gay people were immoral and promiscuous but now they don't want to be monogamous and respectful in the eyes of God and it must be so confusing to a gay guy in California thinking that's the bit they don't lie with all the other [ __ ] we get up to it's the marriage bit let be so confused they must go to judges and go so can I get the wrong strike what you want to know I just didn't know what we can and can't do ask away can I marry a man no can I [ __ ] him up the ass of give them a little reach around please can't marry him but then they look can I pick up a stranger in the bushes and take him out with jism em and throw em up in the morning or crusty and homeless no don't ask again could I line up 15 man I'm just riffing come on line up 15 men and just jack them off for a laugh we did spit wooden they're jacking off 15-minute one it would be like plate spinning no cuz you have a period of two at once really so you have these two ready to blow but then they'd be losing [Applause] [Applause] joking off 15-minute one and sip never thought I'd say that Oh again there's these people that say being gay isn't natural well it is natural and I've got a book to prove it homosexuality occurs in about the same incidence in the animal kingdom as it does in human society this is a real book it's called biological exuberance animal homosexuality and natural diversity by Bruce bugger Mill okay the evidence is compelling and it seems there is virtually no species which does not have its gay community that doesn't mean like chimps on one particular street wearing their the caps and stopping they sort of spread it out more Rizzy this is a real book we have the first slide please right okay right this is a real book okay right absolutely real okay two miles Stumptown attacks in mutual fellatio meet they're sharing their stereo mix slide okay a mile squirrel monkey right performing a general display toward another mile I it's just going what do you think of that and this one's going what okay it's lil and why was weird guy I'm not [ __ ] out look at the way he's holding him and he's got his leg up for extra purchase [Applause] can you imagine my face when I discovered this book next slide please okay a female Olympic marmots mounting another female now I don't know what is in that either of them unless the one on top is wearing a strap-on dildo one more one more slide ah this is a doozy okay two forms of copulation between male dolphins genital slit or anal penetration above and below blowhole penetration oh yeah oh yeah [Applause] basically Hey is [ __ ] him in the head is [ __ ] it in the head like I have never seen out any wildlife documentary I've never why have I never seen that before why are we doing that maybe it's not in the wild maybe it's in SeaWorld which is like their prison and they're going [ __ ] site they put in two miles I've ate something with English fish you might as well [ __ ] do it okay I mean look at his face he's going Dave what good could we not do of the ass like them no it's in the hedge or nothing [Applause] Dave watch [Music] what Dave Dave I love you but I can't [ __ ] breathe [Applause] that is a real boat by the real boat no I love the fact that he found like a turkey in drag to show how guy animals could be against animal in the world I uh I'm having a friend anyone with any of the subject now I do I do that's not the point I don't try anything if I have the things anyone and I'm sure how I don't apologize no I think you should you have to be able to justify everything you do and I just think that a comedian should take you to the boob place you don't mean before otherwise you could do it yourself there's enough anodyne comedy out there just doing things obvious stuff you know doesn't make it you know any any difference at all and there's this spite of comedian saying sorry when they go too far I just think you know you should they go oh sorry I didn't mean it well you should know better then it's there's also witch-hunt at the moment with who was saying Oh is there anything you shouldn't make a joke about no there's nothing you shouldn't joke about it depends what the joke is comedy comes from a good or a bad place and is used to decide what what that is and I think that there's a big debate about sick jokes our peer communities mean sick jokes now the thing about sick jokes when we tell a sick joke it's with the express understanding that neither parties really like that I wouldn't tell a sick joke by known pedophile I wouldn't go in mate you're gonna [ __ ] love this more than anyone self or anything I've said in my professional career because I'm used to apologize what can I do to you you know growing up you know you try try things out and you get taken the wrong way a little bit not like the dolphin I mean you know when I was about 23 24 me my girlfriend met up with this other couple they moved down from the north of England to London aged to come in the place I used to work and we had a couple of drinks with our cool people and their fun and then after we couple of times they invited us to a pie at their house and we went along while it was a dinner party was they haven't warned us about but to it was for their family that had come down from the north to see how they were getting on and it was both their parents and grandparents and great uncles average age about 85 Oh God we don't know anywhere our age oh that Ricky and Jane know so we went along um we were still getting to know them so we just spoke to them all night we didn't really mingle with it with the older people and as I said we use comedy as a sword and a shield and a medicine but usually as are getting to know you okay we use comedy to break the ice are you like minded what can you take or do you like and I've always saw push the boundaries a little bit to try my people laugh at things I didn't think they could but you know then there you know everything turns out okay I suppose and I started off lightly I told this joke why did the little girl fall off the swing because she had no arms yes sweet and they laughed a little bit louder than that there was only two of them so thanks I know okay they get it they like so and so you up the ante a little bit I don't you push and I told this joke oh I need a drink start the car seriously I told this joke made sure the old people couldn't they're okay father sitting at home just reading the newspaper his little girl comes running in she's only six hello darling hello daddy you've been playing yeah in the park yeah with your friends I'm sure the man came along - the man came along yeah man came along and he asked my friends to leave so it's just me and him darling come over whatever happened no it was your fault okay darling none of it was your fault but tell daddy every detail what happened he took me behind a tree so now I could see what you're doing oh god darling and then what happened he took my dress off Oh God what happened next what he took his thing oh good timing and then what happened nothing that was it God will make something up [Applause] don't tell anyone that I wanted to be a surprise so I told that joke Carol oh I'm getting a bit drunk or telling jokes whoa eventually we sat down for the meal about quarter to 10:00 they put two tables together and the hosts at either end and they put me in the middle obviously this very sweet we're very deaf sort of 80 year old man so conversation was a bit stilted and after about 20 minutes Ian one of the host pipe services already tell that joke what all the Oviatt went oh we love jokes do you love Ian Ian went be fine went okay and he got on with this conversation and so no like that [Music] Farva sitting home we divide little girl comes running told the whole joke got the bit what make something up they went silence I looked at you anyway thank you so much you've been fantastic thank you thank you trust thank you so much I [ __ ] love Chicago thank you thank you so I tell I'd risk coming again through volcanic ash clouds anything to go it's it's Fanta terrorist attack I've actually always been a nervous flier to be honest and I knew a few weeks after 9/11 and um and after 9/11 the world went a little bit crazy you know understandably the rules changed and they were sent off anger and fear and confusion and finger-pointing and then i disgust myself quite a rational liberal sort of guy and i try to remain that way after 9/11 and even in like in the pub with mates I'd be the ones going no you can't say that as a generalization that's that's ridiculous no no that's that's unfair you part-time of the same but no it's still the safest form of transport it's 16 million to one the chance of it you know trying to be rational that's in a pub when I'm flying it's more like check him again can we check them again he's get on this book do you mind if I check him can I just can I just and after 9/11 with all the checks I still tried to remain sort of rational Phyllis off course thinking right it's it's harder now than it ever was to get a bomb on the plane this is you know these are the restrictions of tires it's safe for now and then I found out that a terrorist doesn't have to get on the plane now with a bomb they found heat-seeking missiles and they could just Park up in some sort of lay by and take the plane out within the first ten minutes of takeoff so now I'd be on the plane going right we're out of range who's got the bomb right and as I saw flew a couple of weeks after 9/11 internal fly and we're up in the air I don't think like we're out of range okay right now still a bit nervous and I said the air hostess I said have you got any magazines think of this she said quite loud quite blase she said no honey we've got no magazines we've had to learn to take severe cutbacks because we're one of the companies being sued over 9/11 what they mentioned 9/11 surely a new rule but went round don't mention 911 when you're handing out the coffee just do you know I mean don't say severe cutbacks severe cutbacks if someone says now I don't think of magazines anymore I think of a bloke and their craft hang out earlier that week go and do we really need all these rivets it's just what terrible bedside manner I mean I take first-class flights everywhere I know you wouldn't have any other way I'd do it for you really some of the flights I take cost ten thousand pounds okay and for ten thousand pounds in a disaster I expect the front end of my plane that I meant to gently break off and slow down to a desert island it doesn't our daughter the best you [ __ ] lose if that's not fair I know you tried to save me but you couldn't either we just feel the new I probably only will get name checked on the news you'd be chilled in 30 others but I'm his sub constant ice but anyway so okay once I was flying back from New York okay 925 a Saturday night JFK to London Heathrow be a first-class okay now this is my point it's fear that threatens rational thought I think okay I'm there now the whole week leading up to that flight I bet if you remember it always happened more than once I don't know it was a couple of years ago on every news channel in America there was a rolling ticker tape that said America on red alert we've had Intel there's going to be another 9/11 in a major city probably New York or LA okay this weekend do not fly unless you absolutely had to right I had to I was filming and but so I'm the only one in the first-class lounge okay and I still try to remain rational thinking no it's safe for now everyone's looking for a terrorist today they leave it to Monday right and then it happened a thing that threatened my rational thought I have a little bit of a mini breakdown into the first-class lounge about 30 minutes before boarding claim this guy I don't know whether there is North African or Middle East and our Asian be out all the gear I beard steer the touch i case a plane and here's your middle class sort of liberal I went I was certainly engaging staffing sort of but now conversation go fly on time they go yeah what's the weather like in there we're gonna go it's a bit cloudy but there is right did nothing so I'm left there right and I'm looking over him and I'm thinking of all the the running up to it and the week all the news nothing but now there's a fight between good and evil between rational and irrational okay this one goes to be of course isn't is how'd you know that's what he look like Wow deme stupid right then he makes a phone call and I couldn't understand what he was saying he sounded a bit angry okay this one goes oh we made a phone call alright this what no you just made the phone call yeah but not in foreign sure it's been checked the rest has been checked did they check the bed yeah they checked the bed and then I'm looking at him must have been absent minded with all this going on in my head and he catches me looking and he does this right this one starts winning the fear starts beating all the rational thought and odd I was going no it could be or what yeah it could be probably not well know the stats are up today yeah but still it won't happen don't say I won't open to us people of 9/11 said it would never again yeah but all the tests yeah where they find new ways of getting through our detection then we have to have a game here you're right and suddenly I thought oh my god this is it this is it and a wave of nausea and you certainly realize oh my god I'm witnessing this this one goes ok right let's report em this one goes no why in case someone things were racist no [ __ ] that let's let's report it be a wrong embarrass live righteous just in case no so I don't and so now I think he's my Bubba and I think I'm gonna get on the plane and die but I'm not gonna do anything about it and I'm nearly in tears and all this happens in a few moments and I look over and he's joined by his wife who's got all the gear and it's two little girls okay and I'll suddenly go ahh course is now [ __ ] suicide bomber if you're off to see 72 virgins you don't take the wife and kids along I got on the plane and of course he wasn't a terrorist no a sort of a bit embarrassed and I saw the funny side of it but I was relieved nothing and then it was a businessman a family man he was playing with his two little girls we kept running up and down and banging it to my chair he was doing anything about that at all okay okay and he was sort of chasing them and I was squealing really like that going through after half an hour I was hoping someone blow the [ __ ] plane up but a really weird thing happened during that period I've got so paranoid about terrorists attacked I started taking private jets and helicopters everywhere just cuz I was so rich no no again my philosophy was I'm the only person on this plane and I definitely haven't got a bomb so we're all right you know and I was taking a helicopter one day and I was waiting on the helipad okay rewind two days before that I'm at home as a material materials and there's a carton of milk there with the missing person things on the back and I've seen a thousand of them okay it's almost slightly different because it was a missing child which is always Sabah I know it's sad when anyone goes missing but presumably because we're AIDS this was an abduction and you know and it was also the language it was a plea from the mother and it was the wording she just said the name of the little girl was I want to say I remember it and the day and place where she was last seen and she just said five years old blond hair blue eyes always happy please help me it must have stayed with me two days later I'm there it's like a wolf development working for the way of this helicopter and I'm looking down on to sort of some disused so a warehouse space and I look in one right and then someone had put up a brown blanket with this duct tape okay there's like a curtain and it's fallen away and I can see in this is true story it's an empty room apart from a mattress and on the mattress is a little girl with a hands right and my [ __ ] heart five years old five years old blond hair blond hair blue eyes blue eyes always happy crying her eyes out Oh it couldn't have been our left it [Applause]

Channel: ngày xưa anh nói

Views: 1,460,398

Rating: 4.3054509 out of 5

Keywords: Ricky Gervais, Stand Up, Stand Up Comedy, Comedian, Ricky Gervais Out Of England, Ricky Gervais Stand Up, Ricky Gervais Comedians, Ricky, Gervais, Ricky Gervais 2017

Id: 41MdcCCZino

Length: 89min 50sec (5390 seconds)

Published: Mon Sep 11 2017