>> DUNCAN TRUSSELL: I'LL NEVER
KNOW HOW MUCH ACID HE PUT ON MY TONGUE BUT I DO KNOW. THE LOOK ON MY FRIENDS' FACES
WAS THE LOOK THAT SOMEONE WOULD HAVE AS THEY WERE WATCHING A
PERSON FALL BACKWARDS INTO THE GRAND CANYON. ♪♪ ♪♪ >>ARI SHAFFIR: THANK YOU,
EVERYBODY. IF YOU DON'T KNOW, HERE'S WHAT
THE SHOW IS. IT'S JUST A BUNCH OF PEOPLE AND
WE'RE ALL TELLING TRUE STORIES. HE'S GOT AN AMAZING PODCAST YOU
GUYS SHOULD ALL CHECK OUT CALLED THE DUNCAN TRUSSEL FAMILY
HOUR LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MY FRIEND
AND YOURS, MR. DUNCAN TRUSSELL. >> DUNCAN TRUSSELL: IN THE
SUMMER BETWEEN MY JUNIOR SENIOR YEAR IN HIGH SCHOOL, ME
AND A GROUP OF FRIENDS DECIDED THAT WE WERE GOING TO
A GRATEFUL DEAD CONCERT IN CHARLOTTE, NORTH CAROLINA.
AND WE WERE GOING TO THE CONCERT NOT BECAUSE WE LIKED THE
GRATEFUL DEAD, BUT BECAUSE WE LOVED LSD AND ANY HIGH SCHOOL
STUDENT WORTH THEIR WEIGHT IN SALT KNEW THAT IF YOU WANTED
TO GET ACID YOU JUST WOULD GO TO WHEREVER THE GRATEFUL DEAD
WAS BECAUSE THE GRATEFUL DEAD, THEY DON'T TOUR ANYMORE. BUT IN THOSE DAYS, IN THE 90S,
THERE WAS AN UNDOCUMENTED ACID BOOM, YOU COULD TRACE THE
FLOW OF LSD THROUGH AMERICA BY FOLLOWING THE TOURING
SCHEDULE OF THE GRATEFUL DEAD. NO JOKE, THAT'S ON THE DEA
WEBSITE. YOU COULD LOOK, IT WOULD GO. THE GREATEFUL DEAD,
IT WAS LIKE A PSYCHEDELIC GODZILLA THAT WOULD JUST RAMPAGE
THROUGH AMERICA LEAVING BEHIND NOT DESTRUCTION, BUT JUST
FREAKED OUT TRUST FUND KIDS, WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE JESUS AND
INFINTE SHEETS OF ACID. IT WAS A TRUE ACID BOOM, IT
REALLY WAS WE JUST WANTED ACID BECAUSE,
NOT BECAUSE WE WANTED TO TRANSFORM THE CONSCIOUSNESS OF
AMERICA, BUT BECAUSE IF YOU HAD LSD WHEN YOU WERE IN
HIGH SCHOOL YOU WERE BASICALLY GANDALF. YOU HAD
MAGICAL POWERS. IF YOU HAD A HIT OF ACID YOU
COULD TRANSFORM THE HEAD CHEERLEADER INTO A GOTH IN ONE
NIGHT JUST LIKE THAT. IT WAS METAPHYSICAL; IT WAS A
VERY POTENT THING. THAT'S WHY WE WANTED THE ACID,
ALSO THE FACT THAT TAKING LSD IN THE MORNING WHEN YOU'RE IN
HIGH SCHOOL HELPS YOU FORGET THE FACT THAT YOU'RE AT
AN INTERNMENT CAMP FOR TEENAGERS BEING RUN BY THE STATE
WHICH IS REALLY NICE. SO THE GRATEFUL DEAD. HAS
ANYONE EVER BEEN TO A GRATEFUL DEAD SHOW? SO YOU KNOW, OH YEAH
YOU DEFINITELY HAVE, FRED. HOLY SHIT, YOU KNOW. THE
GRATEFUL DEAD PARKING LOT WAS THE FIRST BURNING MAN. THAT
WAS THE FIRST BURNING MAN. THE GRATEFUL DEAD PARKING LOT
WAS BASICALLY AN OPEN AIR MARKET FOR PSYCHEDELIC DRUGS AND I
REMEMBER AND I REMEMBER WHEN WE PULLED IN THERE, AND PARKED,
THE WORRY THAT WE WEREN'T GOING TO BE ABLE TO BUY A SHEET OF
ACID VANISHED WHEN SUDDENLY WE REALIZED THAT, THAT'S ALL
THIS IS. NOBODY LIKES LISTENING TO THE
GRATEFUL DEAD, EVERYBODY JUST LIKES TAKING ACID AND THEY
FOLLOWED THIS BAND AROUND BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE IT'S AT.
BUT YOU WOULD SIT IN YOUR CAR AND FROM A DISTANCE AWAY YOU
WOULD HEAR SOMEBODY CALLING OUT INNOCENTLY,<i> BEER, COLD BEER
FOR SALE, COLD BEER.</i> YOU'D LOOK BACK, THERE'D BE A
VERY THIN HIPPIE HOLDING A REALLY SMALL COOLER MAYBE COULD
HOLD A TWELVE PACK, SOMETHING LIKE THAT. LIKE YOU
WOULD HAVE TO GO BACK AND REFILL IT A LOT IF HE WAS
SELLING BEERS. YOU'D SEE HIM WALKING,<i> BEER,
BEER </i> BUT WHEN HE GOT BY YOUR CAR HE'D
BE LIKE<i> DOSES, ACID, MUSHROOM,</i> <i>VALIUM, DOSES, ACID, MUSHROOMS.</i> EVERYTHING WAS ABOUT SELLING
ACID. THERE WERE DEA AGENTS THERE, YOU WOULD SEE FROM TIME
TO TIME, IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THINGS EVER, A
HIPPIE WHO HAD BEEN BUSTED WOULD COME TEARING THROUGH THE
PARKING LOT WITH THE COPS CHASING HIM AND THE OTHER
HIPPIES WOULD JUST CLOSE IN LIKE A WHITE BLOOD CELL BLOCKING THE
COPS SO THAT HE COULDN'T GET BUSTED. IT WAS ONE OF THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL THINGS YOU'VE EVER SEEN. FRUSTRATED COPS, ALL THE
HIPPIES LOOK THE SAME, THEY'RE ALL IN TIE-DYE. WE DON'T KNOW
WHAT IT FUCKING WAS. IT WAS GREAT. SO WE'RE SITTING IN THE CAR,
WE'VE MANAGED TO SAVE UP TWO HUNDRED AND TEN DOLLARS, WE
FIGURE THAT'S ENOUGH TO BUY A SHEET OF ACID. WE'RE SITTING
THERE AND THIS WEIRD HIPPIE WOMAN COMES UP NEXT TO
OUR CAR, POKES HER HEAD IN THE CAR WINDOW AND SHE'S LIKE,<i> YOU
BOYS WANT TO BUY SOME ACID?</i> <i> I'LL SELL YOU A SHEET FOR A
HUNDRED AND TWENTY DOLLARS.</i> WE'RE LIKE<i> FUCK, A HUNDRED AND
TWENTY DOLLARS? THAT LEAVES</i> <i> EIGHTY DOLLARS FOR GRILLED
CHEESE SANDWICHES, WE'RE SET.</i> SHE GETS IN THE CAR, OPENS UP
THIS TIE-DYE SATCHES AND INSIDE IS A ZIPLOC BAG FILLED
WITH SHEETS OF ACID. MUST HAVE BEEN A HUNDRED SHEETS OF
ACID IN THERE. OUR HANDS ARE SHAKING, WE GIVE HER THE MONEY.
SHE GIVES US THIS SHEET OF ACID, VANISHES INTO THE CROWD AND
SUDDENLY WE'RE SITTING IN THE CAR WITH THE HOLY GRAIL, A
FUCKING SHEET OF ACID, A SQUARE, WITH A HUNDRED
PERFORATED SQUARES INSIDE OF IT AND EACH OF THOSE
PERFORATIONS IS A HIT THAT RESPRESENTS EIGHT HOURS OF
TALKING TO ALIENS. THAT'S EIGHT HUNDRED HOURS OF
COMMUNING WITH THE UNIVERSE IN THIS SQUARE. THIS IS ENOUGH
TO LAST FOR THE REST OF THE SUMMER, AND INTO THE NEXT YEAR.
IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL MOMENT. AND THAT'S WHEN WE MET SATAN. AT THAT SECOND, A HIPPIE POKED
HIS HEAD THROUGH THE WINDOW BEFORE WE COULD EVEN PUT THIS
SHEET AWAY, IF IT HAD BEEN A COP WE WOULD HAVE BEEN BUSTED
IMMEDIATELY, POKES HIS HEAD THROUGH THE WINDOW, SEES US
STARING AT THIS SHEET OF ACID LIKE WE'RE GAZING INTO THE ARC
OF THE COVENANT. LOOKS AT IT, LOOKS AT US, IS LIKE,<i> WELCOME TO
IT, DUDES, WELCOME TO THE DEAD.</i> NOW MY FRIENDS ARE HYPNOTIZED BY
THIS GUY BECAUSE HE'S LIKE A TRUE DEADHEAD. HE LOOKS LIKE A
PIRATE THAT FELL OUT OF A RAINBOW. HE'S WEARING A BANDANNA
WITH LIKE PSYCHEDELIC SKULLS AND TRIANGLES ALL OVER IT AND HE'S
GOT A BIG RED BEARD, A LAZY EYE. HE SMELLS LIKE HE FELL INTO A
VAT OF PATCHOULI, JUST REEKING OF PINE SOL AND BODY ODOR. AND MY FRIENDS LIKE ARE
IMMEDIATELY HYPNOTIZED BY THIS GUY, GUESS HE REPRESENTS
WHAT WE ALL WANTED TO BE IN SOME PART OF OURSELVES, SOME
WEIRD, FREE SOUL. YOU COULD JUST TELL THIS GUY HAD
BEEN FOLLOWING THE GRATEFUL DEAD MAYBE FOR A MILLION YEARS, LIKE
BEFORE THEY EVEN EXISTED HE WAS FOLLOWING THEM IN THE DEPTHS
OF SPACE LIKE AFTER THE BIG BANG HE EXPLODED OUT OF IT AND
JUST STARTED FOLLOWING THE GRATEFUL DEAD. SO HE'S LIKE,<i> LISTEN, YOU GUYS,
NOW YOU COULD TAKE THAT SHEET</i> <i>OF ACID BACK HOME WITH YOU, OR I
COULD HELP YOU SELL IT AND WE</i> <i> COULD TURN IT OVER IN AN
HOUR, AND WE COULD BUY</i> <i> TWO SHEETS OF ACID.</i> IM LIKE,<i> I DON'T WANT TO SELL
IT, YOU GUYS. WHY DON'T WE JUST?</i> <i>NO, WE DON'T WANT TO SELL IT. I
WANT TO TAKE IT BACK TO HIGH</i> <i>SCHOOL, MAN.</i> THE HIPPIE ZOOMS IN
ON ME, REALIZING I'M RESISTING, HE'S LIKE,<i> OPEN YOUR MOUTH,
DUDE. I WANNA EVEN UP THIS </i> <i>SHEET.</i> NOW THIS MAKES NO SENSE.
EVEN UP THE SHEET? WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN? LIKE,
IT'S NOT SYMMETRICAL ENOUGH? YOU WANT TO MAKE IT MORE
AESTHETICALLY PLEASING WHEN YOU TRY TO SELL IT AT A GRATEFUL
DEAD CONCERT? BUT I OPENED MY MOUTH, AND I WATCH AS HIS HAND
MOVES FORWARD AND PUTS SOME AMOUNT OF ACID ONTO MY TONGUE.
I'LL NEVER KNOW HOW MUCH ACID HE PUT ON MY TONGUE BUT I DO
KNOW THE LOOK ON MY FRIENDS' FACES WAS THE LOOK THAT SOMEONE
WOULD HAVE AS THEY WERE WATCHING A PERSON FALL BACKWARDS
INTO THE GRAND CANYON. IT WAS A LOOK OF SUCH INTENSE
HORROR AND PITY AND SADNESS ALL ROLLED UP INTO THIS ONE
EXPRESSION. I KNEW THAT I WAS FUCKED. I KNEW LIKE,<i> OH I'M
FUCKED.</i> WITHIN AN HOUR I'M HAVING THE BEST TRIP OF MY LIFE. IT'S INCREDIBLE. EVERYTHING
MAKES SENSE. THE ASPHALT IS WAVING AND BUBBLING AND THESE
BEAUTIFUL BUBBLES. SUDDENLY I REALIZE, OH NOW I KNOW WHAT
THE GRATEFUL DEAD ARE. THEY'RE WHAT'S LEFT OF THE
ELVES, THAT'S WHAT THEY ARE. THE DEAD HEADS ARE ELVES AND
THEY'RE FOLLOWING THE GRATEFUL DEAD AROUND BECAUSE
THEY'RE INTER-DIMENSIONAL FAIRY CREATURES. IM LOOKING INTO
THE SIDEWALK, INTO THE PAVEMENT AND I CAN ACTUALLY SEE EGYPTIAN
WRITING, PRIMORDIAL SYMBOLS. IT LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE HAS JUST GONE
AND PAINTED CONAN THE BARBARIAN RUNES ON EVERYWHERE. I WENT INTO
THE PORT-A-JOHN, THERE'S NOTHING WORSE ON EARTH THAN THE PORT-A-
JOHN OF A GRATEFUL DEAD CONCERT. IT'S HORRIBLE, BUT I WAS SO HIGH
AND HAPPY THAT IT WAS LIKE BEING IN HEAVEN. I WAS
LOOKING DOWN AND THE TOILET PAPER LOOKED LIKE THE WINGS OF
ANGELS FLAPPING. IT'S LIKE THIS IS HEAVEN IM SO GLAD WE MET
THAT HIPPIE, HE'S TEACHING ME. WE'RE LEAVING THAT NIGHT, MY
FRIEND LOOKS AT ME AND HE'S LIKE, DUNCAN,<i> MY FACE IS MELTING
OFF MY HEAD RIGHT NOW.</i> IT SEEMED REALLY HILARIOUS TO ME
AT THE TIME. SO I LAUGH REALLY HARD, BUT I
HAD BEEN CHEWING ON A LITTLE PIECE OF DENIM THREAD THAT WAS
FALLING OFF OF MY CRAPPY CUT OFF SHORTS AND SO I SUCKED THAT
THREAD INTO MY THROAT AND STARTED COUGHING AND COUGHING
AND COUGHING. AND I STARTED THINKING LIKE,<i>
WAIT A MINUTE, I JUST INHALED</i> <i> A DEMIN THREAD INTO MY LUNGS.</i>
AND WITH THE WEIRD, EERIE CLARITY THAT PSYCHEDELICS GIVE
YOU, I COULD SEE INSIDE MY LUNGS I COULD SEE THE INNOCENT PINK OF
MY LUNGS SUDDENLY BEING INVADED BY A MAGGOT-LIKE THREAD
OF WHITE DEMIN WHICH WAS AT THAT VERY MOMENT BURROWING DOWN
INTO MY LUNGS WHICH HAD STARTED TO FROTH WITH PUSS AND BLOOD.
AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED I WAS DYING. I HAD INHALED A
STRING WHICH WAS IN MY LUNGS AND MY LUNGS WERE HEMORRHAGING AND
THERE WAS NO WAY YOU COULD SURVIVE THAT. THIS WAS BEFORE GOOGLE, YOU
COULDN'T GOOGLE,<i> CAN YOU DIE</i> <i> FROM INHALING A STRING?</i> SO I
DIDN'T WANT TO DISRUPT MY FRIENDS' WONDERFUL EVENING, BY
DYING IN FRONT OF THEM. SO I DIDN'T TELL THEM THAT I THOUGHT
I WAS DYING BECAUSE I HAD A STRING IN MY THROAT. BUT I
STARTED MAKING THESE NOISES EVERY FEW MINUTES. [heaving] AND THEN LIKE I WOULD ASK THEM
KINDA OFFHAND LIKE, <i>HEY, YOU GUYS, LIKE IF SOMEBODY
DID INHALE A STRING INTO THEIR</i> <i>LUNGS, DO YOU THINK THEY'D DIE?</i> AND MY FRIENDS ARE LIKE, <i> YEAH, PROBABLY, YEAH, YOU'D
PROBABLY DIE.</i> I WAS CERTAIN I WAS DYING AND WE
GOT TO THE HOLIDAY INN PARKING LOT WHERE WE WERE GONNA SPEND
THE NIGHT IN MY FRIEND'S CAR. GOT OUT OF THE CAR, IN THE
DISTANCE WE HEARD THIS [hissing] WHICH IS THE SOUND OF NITROUS
OXIDE BEING RELEASED TO FILL UP A BALLOON. NOW THAT SOUND HAS
THE SAME EFFECT ON HIPPIES THAT ICE CREAM TRUCK MUSIC HAS
ON KIDS. THEY GO IN THAT DIRECTION TO THAT SOUND. SO MY
FRIENDS ALL JUST STARTED, THEY JUST LEFT ME, MOVING IN THE
DIRECTION OF THE NITROUS OXIDE. AND I WENT INTO THE BACKSEAT OF
MY FRIEND'S CAR TO DIE, CERTAIN THAT THIS WAS IT, I WAS GOING TO
DIE. THIS THOUGHT OCCURS TO ME WHICH
IS LIKE,<i> WELL, SINCE I'M ALREADY</i> <i>DYING, WHY DON'T I GO AND INHALE
NITROUS OXIDE? BECAUSE MAYBE</i> <i> THAT'LL HELP THE BAD TRIP.</i> THIS IS THE SAME IDEA IN DANTE'S
INFERNO WHICH IS THAT IF YOU WANT TO GET OUT OF HELL, YOU
DON'T GO TO THE SIDE OF HELL, YOU GO TO THE CENTER OF HELL,
AND CLIMB DOWN SATAN'S LEG. THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT WOULD
HAPPEN IF I WENT AND DID NITROUS OXIDE. SO I GO AND FIND
MY FRIENDS, FIND THE NITROUS OXIDE TANK. THEY FILL
BALLONS UP WITH THIS GAS, I INHALE THE GAS, AND THAT IS
WHEN I HAD THE MOST BEAUTIFUL AND INCREDABLE EXPERIENCES OF MY
LIFE. SUDDENLY I WAS NO LONGER A
TEENAGER IN HIGH SCHOOL, AT THE GRATEFUL DEAD CONCERT, DYING
WITH A STRING IN HIS THROAT. SUDDENLY I WAS EVERYTHING. I
BECAME THE ENTIRE UNIVERSE. THERE WAS THIS MOMENT WHERE
THERE WAS NO MORE ME, JUST THIS WAVE OF ETERNAL
CONSCIOUSNESS. A KIND OF NEVER ENDING LOVE FIELD THAT
EXISTS THROUGH ALL THINGS. I WAS GONE, IN PARADISE FOR A
MOMENT. AND THEN AS I STARTED COMING TO IT WAS LIKE I WAS
HOVERING OVER THIS-- MY BODY, LOOKING DOWN ON MYSELF AS THE UNIVERSE. AND I WAS
THINKING,<i> UGH, LOOK AT THAT</i> <i> POOR, POOR KID. HE'S GOT A
STRING IN HIS THROAT AND</i> <i>HE'S, HE'S GONNA DIE. OH, I FEEL
SO HORRIBLE FOR HIM.</i> AND THEN, I ZOOMED BACK DOWN
INTO MYSELF AND IMMEDIATELY PASSED OUT, FALLING ON THE
GROUND. I CAME TO COUGHING, CHOKING, COUGHING AND I SPIT
INTO MY HAND A GLOB OF PERFECTLY HEALTHY MUCUS AND INSIDE OF IT
WAS A TINY STRING. AND THAT'S WHEN I REALIZED THERE WAS
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT. AND TO THIS DAY I STILL REMEMBER THAT,
ANYTIME I GET WORRIED ABOUT ANYTHING I REMEMBER<i> COME ON,
MAN, NO MATTER WHAT IT IS,</i> <i> IT'S JUST A STRING IN YOUR
THROAT. THERE'S NOTHING TO</i> <i> WORRY ABOUT, BECAUSE HUMAN
BEINGS ARE ESSENTIALLY A</i> <i> STRING.</i> WE'RE JUST A STRING
CAUGHT IN THE THROAT OF ETERNITY. AND EVEN IF YOU'RE
DYING OF CANCER-- WELL, NO, THAT SUCKS, BUT. THE NEXT TIME
YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT YOUR PHONE BILL OR WHATEVER IT IS,
JUST REMEMBER, IT'S ONLY A STRING IN YOUR THROAT,
YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE. THANKS YOU GUYS, GOOD NIGHT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. ♪♪
Lame audience
I'm Ganna watch the Shit out of this.
Hadn't seen any of these before. The Ari Shaffir "Smuggling Weed" one was great. Thanks for posting.
That was very enjoyable. These things remind me of The Moth. Did anybody see the guy from Blue's Clues's talk? Shit was the shit.
Fuck i love Duncan. He is the mellowest coolest dude. Would smoke many bowls with him.
These things are seriously the fucking best. The new season has been so-so but that doesn't stop me from being overly stoked about them.
Interesting story. Not very funny. Thanks for sharing.
haha fuck yes
That was a cool inspiring story but I wouldnt expect it in a comedy act.