Any of you guys ever been on disaster
date? I'm chillin' at home, y'all know how thugs do My boy calls me up, I'm like "Hello" "Hey bruh, I got the perfect girl for you" "Oh ye?" "Ye" "What she look like?" "This girl sexy dan a mug" "Oh ye?" "Ye" "What she looked like dough?" "Bruh she got these big juicy lips and a big ol' juicy booty!" "Ye?" "Ye" "Dang son" "I know and I show her some of your illernet pictures" "My illernet pictures?" "She's seen a bunch of yo illernet pictures dawg she think you mad cute!" "Ye?" "Ye" I didn't want to know what this girl looks like Don't tell me her Facebook, Instagram, none of that Like have a real blind date 'Cause how often do you get to do something like this? I'm feeling spontaneous I get a number, we start texting we finally get to that Phone call, I call her up and on the phone This girl sounds so dang sexy And it was her natural voice it wasn't even like she was trying to sound cute like "Mmm *lip smack* I'm just lying here on the bed" It was just natural, organic, sexiness So we talked on the phone for like a week
and then one day she's like "When're you gonna take me out?" "Well *incoherant mumbling* when are you free?" "Well, you know next week is Valentien's Day" "Ya know we haven't even met yet, and our first date is-" *Demonic voice* "You're taking me out on Valentine's day!" "Oh... okay" *Demonic voice* "And you're bring me a rose!" "Okay" *Demonic voice* "A red one!" "All right, all right, I'll bring your rose" *Deep demonic voice* "It better be red" See, a lot of expectations come along with Valentine's Day And I'm tryna avoid All chances of this turning into a disaster date, I already don't know what you look like My main concern is, if this girl turns out to be cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs It's gonna be a long night Valentine's Day comes along, drive over to get her Pull up in her driveway I text her "Yo I'm here," she steps out She gets in my car, hand her the rose We drive over, get to the restaurant After about an hour and a half of waiting We finally get sat, waiter comes over to us and he's like "What would you guys like to drink?" "Uh yeah, lemonade with a light ice please it's very important" So server walks away and I get a good look at her In the light like, like this is the first time I'm seeing her, in good lighting And ya know, she doesn't look that bad but ya know she still could be crazy especially after this light ice comment So we get back to talking and then mid conversation I'm like "Wait hold on a second, where do you work?" "Oh, your friend William didn't tell you?" "No?" "Wow, ya now when you're out really late at night And those commercials come on with those girls laying in bed?" "Yeah?" "Well, that's what I do" "You're the girls in the commercials?" "No, I'm the girl that's on the phone that you call" Wait holla, holla, holla, holla, holla, holla, holla, holla, holla, holla, hol-la, pimp "You're a sex operator?" Then it all started to make sense as to why this girl sounded so good on the phone So then I got 20 questions "Do people call the 800 number and the number gets redirected back to you at your house, do you work from home?" "No, we have an office that we go to, and
oh my god! There is so much drama!" "What do you mean 'drama'?" "There is this ratch that I work with named Rachel, she steals all of my regulars! She sits like three cubicles away from me and I hate her! She smells so bad! Close your eyes and think about the fattest girl you know" "Yeah no, I- I get the idea" "No close your eyes!" Like why's it so important that I close my eyes? Ya 'bout to stab me while I'm not looking? "All right I have my eyes closed, I'm thinking about it" "No you're thinking about plus size, Rachel, she's like a Jabba the Hutt, fat, and ugly, and stinky!" "Okay, let's use our inside voices" "She can't even walk, she's in a wheelchair! "She has a queue, for an hour! People will wait an hour to talk to her! You should hear some of the stuff that she says to these guys" Open my eyes and the server's there "One time, I heard her tell a guy that she would-" I don't remember what she said 'cause I was so embarrassed The server like slowly backed away from the table Like he was backing away from a bomb, he didn't even turn around he just Walked backwards really slow So we order, we're waiting for our food I change the topic and a few minutes later Ingrid goes "Wait, waiter, waiter, s'cuse me, s'cuse me, C'mere, c'mere, c'mere, c'mere... c'mere!" "Yeah, what can I do for you" "You see those people over there? They got here after us and they just got their food!" "I'll go to the kitchen and check it for you
guys" *Quietly* You've got to be kidding me right now Lord, what did I do to deserve this? "They're doing this, 'cause we're black! These people are racist!" This is the part where the dates starts getting a little foggy for me I spent a long time tryna block this night out of my mind like I didn't plan on talking about this again 'till I have to go to therapy Probably the worst date I've ever been on, not gonna lie But it's not over, 'cause there's the drive home I start thinking "I hope to god that this girl does not think I'm gonna try to kiss her at the end of this date" So we pull into her neighborhood and she goes "I had a really good time tonight didn't you?" "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, I had a good time" "We should do this again sometime, you wanna go out again right?!" *Scoffs* "Yeah, yeah, yeah, we should, you know, we should totally Go out again" Got a little secret for y'all There was never a second date *Outro Music*
