Death Bed Repentance

my dear family i know we haven't always seen eye to eye on things but as i lie here at death's door all our differences seem so silly to me now i want you to know that i love each of you very much dad i don't know how to say this so i'll just say it last year when your credit card was stolen it was me i took it to buy that mercedes i'm sorry i know i staged the whole thing and now i have your confession i'm actually perfectly healthy this was my clever ruse to capture you and your lies clever old man but not clever enough i'm afraid the joke in fact is on you you see i am dying i've only been given six months to live i didn't want to say anything until after we had mourned your passing but it seems that you find death to be nothing but a tool to use for vengeance i hope you're happy matt i don't know what to say listen when your mercedes was stolen i was the one who took it i needed to settle a debt with a man named jose delgado a powerful crime lord sorry not as sorry as you will be oh sister dear only a fool would fall for the same con twice in a row oh well i'm truly surprised matt you played me well not that it matters because i am dying oh please you can't possibly this is my doctor and a sworn affidavit that states i will be dead within the month i've already had my tombstone engraved you too should be ashamed of yourselves pretending to be dying when here my little girl is about to leave us oh malory forgive me i was the one who put the bomb in the trunk of the mercedes which killed jose delgado it's my fault his family now seeks you for revenge i knew it was you this man is actually a taco vendor and this tombstone is made of candy thank you mother it's as much as i deserve not that it matters anymore oh here we go i don't expect any of you to believe me not after all of this but um it doesn't change the fact that i've been ill for some time i don't expect i'll live to see the next week mom this isn't gonna work we're not idiots i know you're not i raised such clever children knock it off mom just look at us all the stealing and the lies i let you down didn't i i was never there for you enough honey we're not buying this right kids i've been a poor excuse for her mother no mom it's not your fault oh he's right if anyone's to blame here it's me for 20 years i've been the right-hand man of the delgado family i put this on all of us because i wanted to take over the crime ring and now i have the proof thank you sweetheart so to be clear no one is actually dying no i ran a marathon yeah okay i suggest that we never speak of this night again if the delgados hear any part of the story you know what will happen to each of us i know exactly what will happen for i am jose delgado impossible i thought you were dead no i'm afraid i am very much alive but sadly i only have a few more days to leave uh with you

Channel: Studio C

Views: 3,213,752

Rating: 4.9639907 out of 5

Keywords: BYUtv, Studio C, Death, repent, repentance, death bed repentance, terminal, Matt Meese, Mallory Everton, Jason Gray, SNL, College Humor, Humor, College, comedy, Sketch

Id: -tmXRSnGs1s

Length: 5min 15sec (315 seconds)

Published: Mon May 27 2013

Reddit Comments

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Also available in gif form

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I just really like Studio C.