Daybreakers explained by an idiot

welcome today bakers ethan hawkeye william the [ __ ] claudia caravan michael doormat isabelle luck ass vince colonoscopy matt diavela jason constipation wife peter these are all names i couldn't be bothered to read correctly where am i going with this welcome to gay breakers now this movie is all about vampires and as such do you have the center vamp rules but with some slight variations like how they interact with the sun and whatnot some sparkle and some burst into flames and die in this one they blow up and die also a piece of wood to the heart or this general area blows them up too and you can also get chopped up into bits and die that way as well they also have no pulse and don't age as per the norm and they can't get boners that's unconfirmed now the main guy we gotta watch out for here is this [ __ ] right here scientist vampire guy who got turned against his will doesn't like drinking human blood drinks pig blood and stuff and works at the shitty company that runs up humans and sucks them trying to sell their blood to the vampire public and he don't like you that big time okay and the movie actually starts with this 12 year girl writing her suicide note like i'm sorry i can't take this anymore this blows i want to grow old i want to suck dick at frat parties not blood but here i am forever 12 i thought i'd sparkle goddammit what the [ __ ] mom you know some along those lines and a quick rate of sunshine done dues are off then we move on to vampire science guy going to work using the massive grid of tunnels used to protect them from the sun called seyat sorry subwalk i don't understand why he parked his car first then took the cell block to work i mean just drive over there you [ __ ] dingus but maybe he has another reason doesn't matter he's at this company trying to find a blood substitute because they're running out of humans to form and blood deprivation leads to vampires turning into these super [ __ ] really ugly bad human hybrids which is bad news for them so his [ __ ] boss who had his own daughter run away from him because she hates vampires presses him into testing the crappy blood substitutes that he's been working on for a long time that are not finalized or working yet and needless to say it doesn't go too well so they need to work on it some more or make a new formula or [ __ ] whatever they do to sign [ __ ] up and on his way home he notices that he's exhibiting blood deprivation side effects and almost crashes into someone and gets out to check on them and he finds out that they are a bunch of humans and they are [ __ ] scared obviously so they try and kill him but they miss the critical hit and he doesn't die and they see a cop car approaching and he decides to help them by shoving them in their car and turning on daylight driving mode which blacks out all the windows and puts out cameras and he takes the keys leaves them in there while the cops come and he's like nothing's happening guys so we have reason to believe that these were humans did you see where they went yeah up your ass to the left thank you very much sir so the cops leave and what we have just witnessed is another example of idiot movie cop syndrome because they do not at all question why he's using daylight driving mode at [ __ ] night blood idiot anyway the humans thank him and run away he goes home and his [ __ ] brother frankie comes in shortly after he's an army or something like that he punchy wins basically and he gives some blood to science guy as a gift but he like missed me with that gay [ __ ] so he goes you're such a hypocrite you know that i hunt them and you farm them yeah and i feel really really bad about it okay let me dump some of the blood and frankie smashes the butthail against the wall then a mad ugly hella blood deprived vamp whose look a fully evolved pokemon now with a [ __ ] crotch smoother than my brain just waltzes in for some reason his house doesn't warn him like it did when frankie came in but maybe frankie left the door open i don't [ __ ] know it licks up the blood like a coke addict throws frankie away then fugly vamp as a flip rooney ceiling move then frankie gets a hold of a knife and food ninja's his ass and kills it later on the police come and check out this final stage vampire home invasion intrusion thing which is becoming more of a common occurrence right and they find out that this dude was carl asgarden who he just saw like a week ago and he was completely fine but then he you know blood deprivation he started suck on his own blood which is really bad because it made him evolve faster they're all like well that sucks they leave ed sleeps and then gets woken up in the middle of the morning from a security alert to his back door no that is not euphemism for his anus he checks out the door and finds one of the human [ __ ] and tells him that they got something better than a blood substitute and gives them this tiny map and then we get another impossible movie vanish and his brother's like the hell was that and he's like nothing yeah great cover story bro he's definitely not suspicious at all now you [ __ ] lip tart whatever ed has a meeting with [ __ ] dracula he's evil and wants to keep farming humans not much to say really then ed drives the location on the tiny paper and sees the woman waiting for him and she tells him that the green goblin is waiting for him underneath the shade of the street right and he goes over there this is the [ __ ] being poetic and all then he shows him that he was a bloodsucker too once but then got cured and while they were having this little chat this happens how [ __ ] how does he sneak up on her like that she's on top of a pissing hill he's got the high yarn he's dressing all black zero camel [ __ ] ah whatever this [ __ ] frankie he holds her at gunpoint and calls for some backup but gets knocked out i don't even know if that is possible without a pulse yo where my doctor's at is getting knocked out even blood related i don't know i'm [ __ ] the bad guys shoot this thing [ __ ] [ __ ] so they escaped and it's chrysler getting shot at and crap hull's getting poked into blacked out windows which is bad for ed so hoe [ __ ] covers it with her hand [ __ ] no i know you really need science kind it's not really fun to drive with a bonfire in the car but don't do that elvis and ed switch seats because the driving cams have been shot out and destroyed he uses this bullet hole as a people to see where he's going and then they use this extra convenient movie bridge to escape which burst their tires but no worries future tech reinflates them except this screen very clearly says the front tires are the ones that are blown out but we can equally clearly see here that the rears are the ones that are blown out and another thing we can clearly see is the shadow of this camera arm just saying so they drive around a bit till night time to the spot where he changed back to human and he tells him the story how he's a car dude and he was the first to do daylight modifications and on one day while he was driving in the sun high on the effects of blood deprivation he crashed and flew out of the windscreen got engulfed in flames and landed in some water in some shape and he emerged next they drive off and frosted hypnosis bad ears so she cuts herself and forces him to drink her blood because they need him focused and all wise and wait that's all [ __ ] stingy [ __ ] nick an artery or something give him the juice woman also it's a good thing that elvis didn't give this book am i right everybody who watched this movie before yeah you know something that everybody else doesn't know for at least like a few minutes yeah enjoy that so they get their hideout which is a wine house winery wine station i don't [ __ ] know it's a wine place right you'll make wine there and everybody give him at the stan guy because he's a vampire even this guy is tank i too because he's a vampire too and he's a politician vampire pushing for a cure in the politician place and them trusting a politician is the most unbelievable ridiculous thing in this movie but hey whatever next week cut to bad guy again looking at photos of his daughter then he having a [ __ ] useless meeting with frankie the dick eater then takes a look at his human stock and i gotta say there are some nice supple tataras hanging around i'm saying they roll an empty human bimen hold up are you just keeping them in a vegetative state and sucking them dry like a bunch of [ __ ] capri suns listen i don't want to tell you how to do your evil job mr [ __ ] dracula but wouldn't it be smart to suck him just a bit then leave him for a bit so they can replenish the blood that they lost and then come back and rinse and repeat then you won't even have this running out of a human's problem [ __ ] i'm not a doctor though so i don't know what i'm saying is even a valid idea or not but the off chance that it is you're a [ __ ] [ __ ] you suck at your job moving on the lack of blood drives the vamp people crazy in the seiya sub walks then frosted nips ass and how he turned and he hints towards that his stupid brother betrayed him and turned him against his will then they get to work turning this wine fermentation tank into the humanizer 1000 by cutting a hole in it to let sunlight in and providing a bucket of water and a wet towel to recreate what happened to elvis that's it that's what they needed a super smart science guy for because they couldn't for the life of them come up with this idea on their own meanwhile a human convoy is traveling at night to the amy winehouse when they get ambushed by a bunch of vampire dudes with sleep darts and they survived for way too long considering that they're surrounded from all angles with zero cover other than the inside of their vehicles which i do not get into whatever it doesn't matter because the people at the wine house catch wind of this unfortunate news and they all start to scramble to another safe location because they're next but team edward ops to stay because they say they cannot make this experiment ever again this might be their only chance which is [ __ ] stupid because you could recreate this with two tarps for shade in a [ __ ] kiddie pool a goddamn garden hose [ __ ] pee on them bro i don't understand how they couldn't comfort this before whatever so the sun comes up and they stick them in there with a wet towel torch them with the sun then block it out and suck the flames up from the whole thing and they keep doing that attempting to give them a proper pulse all the while the vampire pauses closing on their coordinates till they finally get a steady pulse on eddie and he turns back into a human hooray then they somehow zoom into this massive wine cake thing and successfully hide from all the vampires searching the place and throughout all this i have but a single question how did the pulse measuring sticky thingy not melt off are they made of fire retardant materials if they ain't i call [ __ ] or maybe the water helped them not mail whatever moving on they step into the light and into dumbledore's trans am to go to the second hideout spot where all the humans fled to defined all of them as empty blood bags and even the politician got sliced and diced too meanwhile though back in vamp town bad guy has completely run out of humorous to suck dry and a lot of people are going full batsy so they round anybody with l fears and or a receding hairline up to execute them using the sun including bad guy nick asshole's daughter who was one of the humans captured in the convoy she was like dad were you doing her super gay so he imprisoned her and got fracky to turn into a vampire for him then she refused to drink her blood rations and started sucking on herself which as we know is not a good idea and she goes is this why you want it dad and now she looks like alien is about to go up in flames that of the year after that ed gets the idea to go to his partner in crime that was working on a blood substitute with him back at the company [ __ ] company you know let's call him [ __ ] for and they sneak into his house while he's on the phone he puts it away and they don't check if he actually closed the call cause they're collectively all sharing one brain cell then they sit him down to talk ask for help [ __ ] whatever who cares because he gets another call and whatever brain sale they were sharing [ __ ] dies because not only do they give him the chance to take this phone call he's like oh it's my ex-wife's kind of a messy divorce gonna give me a sec they're just like yep sure go ahead really [ __ ] no what do you mean you go you are very possibly the last three humans on earth time is of the essence and you still have very little to go on to trust this guy well i feel like if i went inside your brains and took a look i hear echoes of my footsteps dear god whatever frosted nips gets suspicious of [ __ ] far and goes up to look for him while ed checks to phone his jacket and he did not end the call with his office did i call or not swap vampires are there they get her then these two [ __ ] went away to the sidewalk which is apparently connected to every single house then they end up in elvis old mod shop and frankie tracks them down kev and he's like i turned you cause i didn't want to be alone and he decides to help them but then the dumpster's thirst for blood is too great and he bites elvis and gets him off and he knows something very peculiar frankie's turning back into human also elvis is immune to vampires now which means that cured vampire blood can also turn you back and the movie cuts right here to try and play this twist out for some movie suspense i guess but really anybody who's ever seen any movie ever before like even porn is gonna [ __ ] figure this out anyway ed goes over to the evil contour the lady friend is tied up and cut up a bit for some delicious zesty blood and ed goes please turn me i'm scared of dying then the bad guy reveals that pussyfart finally made a stable substitute and he's gonna let the humans repopulate for a bit then farm them again for all the vamps that are willing to pay premium for the real deal you feel me then he calls it a coward so it switches strategies and goes so did you turn your daughter yourself oh no that's right you had my brother do it for you so who's the [ __ ] coward and that's a ticket dumb [ __ ] is provoked enough to bite him and the movie does its own reveal frankie's a human again elvis is still human so surprising i'm so shocked so bad guy turns back to human he gets tied up and sent down an elevator and in a beautiful bit of irony his own men go feast on him and tear him apart piece by piece glorious but does that mean that i have cancer now because bad guy had cancer before he turned into a vampire which means he has cancer now can you get cancer that way i don't know doesn't matter the love doves tried to escape and frankie burst in with the trans am saving them from these guys but then more guys come in and frankie sacrifices himself while the [ __ ] duo ends up in the security room fighting off a few ramps and then watch him just get [ __ ] destroyed live on the security cameras and it has his clever and kind of funny effect of whoever feeds on him turns into human and the rest feed on them and so on and so forth we get this mad [ __ ] up scene until only a few cured ones remain shaken but not stirred then [ __ ] fart pops out i don't know where and kills them and goes they can't be a cure i can't let you do it why there's a cure this is [ __ ] perfect seriously other money what's your reasoning here dip [ __ ] [ __ ] pop them why did it take so long to explode everybody else was instant i don't give a [ __ ] i'm just gonna chalk it up to movie suspense again the sun rises team edwards alive and they ride off into the sun and from a phoenix swishes the ashes god damn it [ __ ] mixed up the words this movie gets nine jet fuel dragsters out of 11 steel beams [Music] you

Channel: High Boi

Views: 948,178

Rating: 4.9808674 out of 5

Keywords: daybreakers, high boi, daybreakers explained, movie recap, funny, haha

Id: IUMSEfvjhW4

Length: 11min 14sec (674 seconds)

Published: Tue Oct 05 2021