Jurassic Park explained by an idiot

welcome to Jurassic Park and we got a box in there we got people busco down box open man get sucked into box man scream and see next see lawyer onward he is in the dominican republic doing lawyer stuff added mineshaft for some reason and this guy calls a bunch of miners around to look at a prehistoric mosquito to quit tool but I don't think they care I think there's a serial [ __ ] big dude and if you make the argument that you need them for their lights they're barely aiming and I'm pretty sure this guy staring at your ass cut to Diggy wiki technologically [ __ ] Dino boy and his wife girlfriend soon-to-be wife I don't know I don't care really but their thing and he's scary a kid with some very unscary Dino talk because he hates kids and his seagulls so fragile it can be hurt by a [ __ ] Toby rule Vincent dick and helicopter comes over and that apparently ruins their dick I mean if I were him I'd probably have a if I could afford it a helicopter hovering over my dick to clear all the dust for me then again I'm a [ __ ] idiot so anyway the kid turns out to be mr. hemmond he's the guy founding their archeological dig dig and he needs them to leave right now to sign off on a park that he's making on an island and he needs the expert approval of two different parties of experts to sign off on the safety of this park because of that dude that got sucked into a box but they're like NASA sorry wood busy but he's like I can pay for all your [ __ ] for the next three years say no more fan whirring cut next up Costa Rican we got a fat ass making a doobies D and apparently in this place the customer doesn't call for a check no the restaurant decides when you're done now that's a Power Move right there unless c-collar check before the scenes sorry about whatever you also between this shot and this shot his hand magically cleans itself moving on payment Dino boy Dino girl lawyer guy and Jeff global who represents the second party of experts and as a mathematician are on their way to the island when Hammond goes [Music] wait a second you're moving that way and you're sitting like this which means you're back as the front helicopter and the island is here and you're looking over there now you're looking at dock they buckle up and prepare for landing and technically speaking since he has two female ends of the seatbelt she shouldn't be able to buckle up either but that doesn't matter they land safely and no you won't they drive around for a bit and everybody's jaws collectively dropped when they see real-life dinosaurs then they go over to the main exhibit area place i'ma call base because it can't be asked and he shows him a PowerPoint presentation about beings and he shows him a PowerPoint presentation about how he was able to make real-life dinosaurs and it goes in a bit like this some really old mosquitoes suck some dick I mean dinosaur blood they got stuck in some tree jizz I mean zapped them billions of years later his scientists found these prehistoric mosquitoes and suck the blood on their asses extracted a dinosaur's DNA and infuse it with some frog DNA to make real-life dinosaurs so in short movie science after that the right there on starts and they pass by some scientists and they keep going there like now we want to see some scientists so they get off the ride versa bleed and they witness a dinosaur egg hatch and Hammonds like really I find out hard to believe in - you're literally about to miss this one like [ __ ] they see some Raptors eat a cow then they go eat themselves in a really weird room there's at least four projectors in here just stupid anyway the experts express their concern and Jeff is like yeah but you're so preoccupied yeah you give it to him go blue you see he's an expert in something called chaos theory he says that even though he thought of everything and made all the dancers female so we can control the population chaos and life will find a way to [ __ ] his [ __ ] up and these two peeps agree but the lawyer who is the whole reason they are here in the first place has changed his mind is seeing dollar signs then Hammonds grandkids arrives and he sends them off with the experts on a lawyer on a tour of the park in some electric autonomous vehicles and despite their best efforts the dinosaurs won't come out to show themselves and right here the windows are clear then they got water on them and a few seconds later they're clear again what's up with that well you couldn't flip down the windows for that one shot come on anyway we find out that the suspicious fatso is Nedry Hammond son he works for him at the park developing and managing all this tech [ __ ] along with nerdy's hair Jackson and Hammond and his son Haiti took back to the expert said math boy is flirting with Dino girl again and I seriously don't know how Dino boy just letting this slip or not noticing he's literally putting his girl right next to him dude pay attention they get out the cars to see a sick dinosaur and Dino girls like I want to see her [ __ ] and she stays with it well they leave because there is something very important happening right now a storm is approaching so as a Pope and all the employees or most employees of the island are taught to get on this boat and Eddie wants to steal some dinosaur embryos and get on this boat too so he's like I gotta go do something oh and for approximately 18 to 20 minutes the system's might shut down or go crazy so yeah diddled so it does that steals the jeep slices random cashes a couple of 10 and after the second time we crash some dinosaur eats the teleporting dinosaur apparently because he was here and a few seconds later he was hiding Reese Nicky Lee in the car who cares Ned was dead he said some other systems are going crazy the car stopped and the electric fences stopped being electric in a t-rex comes over and terrorizes these stupid-ass kids who just can't help but shine a light into T Rex's eyes if you can't turn it off is point out the [ __ ] iron in fact why the [ __ ] did you get out in the first place not like I can't see the thing also door open here closing this shot opening an extra anyway Dino boy distracts the dinosaur but math boy not to be outdone is like no I'm the hero and instead of following the Flair that Dino boy threw he zeroes back in on the humans way to go Jeff so the thing eats the [ __ ] ice lawyer and Dino boy saves the girl and the boy still in the car and lands in a tree so Dino boy calls up to get him and on their way down the car starts falling down - and Dino boy since you're clearly proficient at climbing trees when you just wrap around the other side to avoid the hassle of racing the car down to the ground at which point it might fall on you and crush you anyway you [ __ ] them takes ok though because by some [ __ ] miracle they don't die they walk over to another tree get up there's this kids dead jokes are on point meanwhile Dino lady and Nature Boy come over find a [ __ ] up fence find a [ __ ] up math boy find out the car check it out come back up and get chased by t-rex not running after they get back to base she sits down with Hammond and she finds out that he still thinks that the park was a good idea next day rolls around Dino boy the kids wake up the girl gets me dog by your long nickel source they get down and try and make their way back to base and on the way but I find all natural and hatched Dino eggs which is supposed to be impossible since Hamill only created female dinosaurs however some frogs are known to change the opposite sex in situations where I can't find anybody to [ __ ] so technically speaking they accidentally critic transgender dinosaurs come back to base they find out that Nedry [ __ ] up the systems beyond repairs and the phone lines are down so they're faced with two choices either turn everything off and on again which will reset everything that allowed them to call for a helicopter but apparently this is not such a good idea because according to nerdy Samuel Jackson but we've never shut down the entire system before it may not come back on at all and the second option is to [ __ ] with the dinosaurs genes somehow and kill them off but then Hemmings like please shut down the system all right quatre point people are dying well you please kill off your [ __ ] dinosaurs [ __ ] ticket so they decide to turn everything off and on again and it seems to work but to turn everything on completely Samwell has to go to another building and flip a switch do some [ __ ] so he does that well these peeps hide in the safe room however he takes too long so Dino girl Nature Boy go out looking for him only to find that the Raptors have escaped so Dino girl rushes to turn on the power so they can finally buy jugg so they can finally call for a helicopter she finds a raptor and Sam wheels their body well at least part of it he tries to run away and Nature Boy dies but a little bit before diner will turn the power on Dino boy and the kids made it close to the base all we have to do is cross this electric fence that is not on and he makes sure that by throwing a stick at it now I am NOT a genius but I am pretty sure that wood is a non-conductive material so I'm not too sure throwing a stick at an electric fence proves anything but as its it ain't no [ __ ] jeans matter doesn't matter he checks it itself but getting it with the palms of both of his hands now this I know for a fact this is due by day you're never supposed to test if wire is live with the palm of your hands because if it is electrocute you and will make your muscles tense and grab onto the thing y'all supposed to check with the back of your hand I read that on the internet and as you know anything to me on that is true so the shit's ain't live yet and he tries to see if he can squeeze through the [ __ ] thing but he can't and hurried by the screech of a dinosaur from a farm they start climbing over things Rees right there okay maybe you can through but they definitely can kind of [ __ ] cartoon logic is this [ __ ] doesn't matter they climb over everything girl and Dino boy you make it down there with the East but the kids being a [ __ ] and take too long and this is where diner girls started turning on all the thin seas and systems and shooting wait green means off and red beans on seems kind of [ __ ] [ __ ] to me whatever kid gets electrocuted and he falls off almost dies but CPR he's back to life they make it to base Dino boy goes off looking for arrested peeps and least the kids to chill Dino boy he finds Dino girl the kids play hide and seek with a couple of raptors they escape find Dino girl Dino boy and play some more hide-and-seek with the Raptors and Dino boy leaves the [ __ ] gun why would you leave the gun Dino boy doesn't matter cuz I get cornered by the Raptors in a way but then the t-rex shows up for some [ __ ] reason starts fighting the Raptors so the humans can make their great escape they can the Jeep they get to the choppa they fly off and this shot would make much more sense if you're actually about what are not so on my own this movie gets five teased out of seven Rex's [Music] [Music]

Channel: High Boi

Views: 3,599,332

Keywords: Jurassic Park, Jurassic Park recap, Jurassic Park review, Jurassic Park explained, Everything wrong with Jurassic Park, movie recap, movie, recap, spoilers, funny, haha, lol, jurassic park recap

Id: NqqtybgLk8A

Length: 9min 25sec (565 seconds)

Published: Thu Apr 16 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/[deleted]]

A masterpiece lol