Hello, everybody, My name is Markiplier and welcome to the "Date Almost Anything Simulator"" If you have anything out in the world that you would want to date Today is your lucky day because I'm going to show you how to date literally almost anything in the entire l-w-world Maybe. I don't know. "I hate quotations. Tell me what you know." -Ralph W. Emerson. Ah... How ironic. Oh. Whew, I barely made it in time for my first day of work. Now, where is my name tag? Can I make that faster? Is there a way to make that faster? No? No, okay. All right. Where's my name tag? My name is Marki- uh... My name is- BUUH. My name is-- DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA My name is what, my name is who... ah, fuck... Mr. M-m-m-m me s-s-so lonely. Yes, that's me, Mr.-Mr. Mesolonely. Oh, God. Aha, gotcha. Starting from today, I'll be a barista at Sterbox Coffee. Hey, Mr. Mesolonely! What's up? Ready to make some coffee? Grace and I have been best friends since grade school. Thanks to her support and encouragement, I was able to get this job. Still nervous? Relax. You'll do great. When a customer orders a drink, all you have to do is follow the recipe. Here, Let's practice! Make me a tall hot chocolate. Oh, I'll make you- I'll make you a tall hot chocolate...ho Alright then Ho Tall. chocolate. Steamed milk? I don't know...Wait, what? The fuck? Ah, I fucked it up. Sweet! Let's see how you did. mmm You really fucked up on this one. I shouldn't have hired my best friend 'cause they don't know how to--know it I'm not Gonna Lie, Mr. Mesolonely But this isn't what a tall chocolate should be I think you've done something wrong when you put in the ingredients Also, you shouldn't have tried in the first place. Well, practice makes perfect right? I guess-- here comes our first customer Hi, welcome to Sterbox. What can I get for you? I would like a regular black coffee. no sugar or cream or anything. Certainly. What size would you like? Tall, Grande or Venti? Ugh, why is this so complicated? All I want is a stupid cup of coffee. I'm guessing it's like, small, medium, and large? This is really stressful... I should have made coffee at home Um, I would like lar-er, venti please. Would that be all? Yeah. That'll be $3.65 please. Holy cow, it's so expensive. I could've make my own, way cheaper. Leaving the house was a mistake Thank you very much. May I have your name? It's Sheldon. Thank you. We will call you when your order is ready. Alright. Okay, Mr.Mesolonely, Go for it! One venti black coffee. Alright uh.. venti, dark roast, none, and none. Got it done already? Oh hell yeah! Sheldon! Your drink is ready. Here you go. One venti black coffee. No cream, sugar or milk. Mmm not bad, thank you. Wow, Mr. Mesolonely. Great work. (why does that make me laugh every time) On to the next customer!! Hi, welcome to Sterbox. What can I do for you today? Oh good morning, miss. Lovely day, isn't it? Sure is. Are you ready to order? I am. A grande cappuccino would be wonderful. Okay, that's one grande cappuccino. Will that be all? Yes, ma'am. $4.45 please. Oh dear, I only have a $10. Please, keep the change. (wink wonk ;) Sir, that's very generous of you, but- Don't worry about it. I'm very wealthy. Pocket change is quite burdensome to carry. Um, thank you. May I have your name? Zane. Pleasure to meet you, Grace. Same to you, sir. We'll call you when your drink is ready. I'm Mr. Mesolonely!! Hey! It rhymes with baloney You want date me? Huh? That'd be cool, right? Yeah, I know you do, I know you do, everybody does. I got beaten up with a stick. Don't know how to use my hands. Anyway. Gosh, what a nice man. It still feel kind of bad about taking his money though. I mean, Its not like this is a business or anything.. Anyway, enough talk Mr. Mesolonely. Get a grande cappuccino alright. espresso, steamed milk, foam milk Got it! grande, espresso, steamed milk, foam milk. Got it! Awesome! You're getting better already. Zane, your drink is ready. Here you go! One grande cappuccino. Thank you very much. It tastes wonderful. Please, thank the other "cuter" barista for me as well Thanks! The name's Mesolonely Rhymes with baloney. I don't know if I mentioned that. I'm sorry. Alright, anyway. Wow, Mr. Mesolonely. Looks like you're getting the hang of it. On to the next customer. For some reason, it's a ding dong. I don't know why. Welcome to Sterbox. What can I get for you today? Ah-- there are so many delicious drinks to choose from Mhmhm.. I don't even know where to start OTL No rush, sir. I'll take your order when you're ready. Uhm- may I have a tall latte please? Okay, that's one tall latte. Anything else? Wow! There's cakes and pastries too Mhm-- too bad I don't have the money for it. Nope, that's it for me OTL That'll be $3.95 May I have your name? Ahh, I go by Sammy.. I go by Baloney You can call me that if you want It's a nickname I made up. My name's Mesolonely though in case you cared about that. I bet you don't- alright. I'm gonna make you drink if you didn't know Mesolonely baloney over here. Alright, anyway. Ha-Thank youuu.. You know the drill, one tall latte. Hey, if there's one thing Mesolonely knows how to do to make- Coffee, doesn't rhyme with m-- I didn't look at that. Sh*t I should've paid attention to that one. Mmm, gonna mess this up. What was it? latte? This, steamed milk, none. I got it! Here you go~! One tall latte. Ahhh~! Thanks. Uh, Mr. Mesolonely, he didn't seem very happy with his drink. Well! :D They dont call me "baloney" for nothing. Ah, you get it? No, all right, okay. Be careful next time and pick right size ingredients, okay? On to the next customer. You're doing great! Ha! No one's ever told me that a day in my life. Yeah, ever since my parents called their daughter "Mr. Mesolonely." Yeah, it's been downhill ever since, you know. Alright, Grace thanked me for my help. She said it was nice knowing that I've got her back. I've got her front too. You know, all sides. I don't discriminate. She advised me to take a break and look around the place. Y'know, my box It looks--it's got walls. Cool. Never had those before. Where should we go? I gotta go to the bathroom Mesolonely Baloney's gotta drain the main vein. I'm a girl. Alright, anyway. I turn left down the hall and step inside the women's room Wash your hands. All employees. I'm a rebel. My parents never taught me hygiene I don't even understand that. Wait, you're not gonna wash your hands? Ew, gross You sure about this? Washing your hands after going to the bathroom is good habit to have. Prevent e. coli, salmonella and more -- I know! Weird voice in my head that gives me advice and questions my decisions Mesolonely Baloney gets enough shit from everybody else in the world. I don't need to take shit from you too. How 'bout you go shove your hygienic e.coli up your ass where it belongs? What? Nothing to say? Alright, I'm good then. Disgusting. Suit yourself. That's why they call me Mesolonely Baloney. Also, they called me disgusting, but again, that doesn't rhyme so I don't use it as a nickname felony kind of the slant rhyme haven't Haven't done one of those yet. Maybe? I don't know What do you know? (wink wonk) Anyway, going back to work now. Before I know it, the sun is setting signaling the end of my shift Days turn to weeks, weeks turn to months. I get older. I don't have any ambitions after that. Kind of worked there for years and die alone. Mesolonely a lonely...aha... Or anyway, everything is same yet never changing the world does not sit still for a nameless girl. I? Once again, I have a name. I have a lot of bad nicknames. "the dirt pile" "hit-by-a-truck-faced person" "Smells real bad girl." That's not a creative one, but true anyway. Day in, day out Faces pass, people go. The voices mingle like milk and sugar. The features meld together like coffee and cream. Once you've met one, you've met them all. But nothing is ever quite the same. Except one constant. Whoa, what the fuck? Congratulations, you are an asshole. Alright, Mesolonely Baloney! This is what I'm talking about. People kinda just do this to me. I'm an asshole, I get it. Been told that my whole life. First birthday I ever remember. "Aye, you're an asshole! Congratulations." all right, I just Made it my own. You know we couldn'tve done it without ya. You're probably here cuz you did something really bad like not washing your hands. Not only is it gross spread germs Good job helping people die faster. Ah, no problem. Anything to end this. Good. Your reward for being an absolute jerk is three hours of suffering. Enjoy it. "Writing the uh..." "Matrix form" Oh, God, no. Matrix methods. This is actually my hell. If this is just algebra matrix No, this is just -- no wait...No, this is just algebra, nevermind. Oh, God... "Here we have two unknowns. We'll make that x extra extra bold. The linear equations are ax equals b..." "And the idea now..."Professor! I have a question! Do I need to wash my hands for algebra? Because that's a line in the sand... I will not cross. I don't stand for a lot But I stand for hygiene, and I'm on the other side of the fence. There's like the people like the 99.9 percent germ killers, and then there's me. Ya gotta take a stand where you take a stand, and I won't wash my hands. Professor! Professor! Question! What is E. Coli? Professor! "often it's so the point" It's zero! "the point with coordinates" "00" I got it. Okay, anyway, let's get out of here. Well, that didn't go so well. Maybe I should try that again let me just Let me just skip. All right. Mesolonely not doing so bad. I get to take my break. All right, where do I go. I'm gonna... I I still stand on the hygiene front Not gonna change that. I'm gonna go outside, roll in the dirt That's what Mr. Mesolonely's gonna do. Since I was in such a hurry to get to work, I didn't get a good look at the outside of the cafe. The cool wind and fresh air feel great after spending hours inside the small, stuffy shop. The streets are peaceful, with an occasional pedestrian milling about the storefronts. All right um I'm gonna look around some more. I wonder what's on the other side of the corner. Ack! Caught off guard, I trip on my own foot and tumble forward. I'm a gymnast! You know took one class...failed, but Now, you get the diploma anyway. Participation awards and all, but he catches my arm and lowers me into a graceful dip. Oh, no! I'm so sorry ma'am. Are you all right? Yeah, sorry. Two left feet, literally. Daah, I don't even know how it happened I was-- I was born with two right. How I got to two left, I don't know! Alright. I should've watched where I was going. How embarrassing of me. Must have startled you. So like, is he just going to pretend he didn't dip me in front of all these people? Hey, I don't mind a good dipping I I like getting dipped as much as the next girl But I dunno. It's not the "baloney" way. Does he do this on a regular basis? Say, you look rather familiar. Were you the barista who made my coffee? Uh, yeah. That was me. Did it have some baloney in it? Agh, nah, that would have been--I-- I Didn't put myself in there. That's not what happened. Ah, I see! A destined reunion. How fitting! My memory fails me. What is your name again? Mesolonely! Rhymes with baloney! You're never gonna forget it after that, hah. Rrrr...What's my name again? Say it. It's baloney. No, it's mist-- it's mister.. Mesolonely. My parents named it--I dunno. Likewise, Mr. Mesolonely. Say, do you believe in fate? God no, if I did, what's my purpose in life? 'Cause--fuck! Why--what did you say? What's this guy's deal? One second, he's dipping me. Now he's blabbering about fate. I mean, can't he just stick to the dipping? He was pretty good at that. The best dip I ever had. Sorry don't- I dunno No worries. I understand. Sometimes my thoughts are like happiness: intangible, fleeting OHHH~ How I pontificate. You believe it will last forever But it is always gone too soon like a lover at a train station. The most romantic Station possible. Oh dear, I'm going off on a tangent. Aren't I? Apologies, Mr. Mesolonely. Have a good day. Hey, don't talk to me about tangents. I took a three hour course on tangents. I know a lot about the 00 x,y axis! Well, that was interesting. I guess I should head back inside Casually... My break ends, and I continue working behind the counter before I know it The day's over. Days turn to weeks. Same place same emotions. Everything's the same. The world does not sit still for a nameless girl named, Mr. Mesolonely Day in day out, faces pass, people go! The voices mingle like babedeba... but nothing quite the same except one constant Good afternoon, darlin'. Zane has become a regular customer at the coffee shop. He usually comes here every Saturday during my break. We hang out and chat. However, lately, he hasn't been coming in. This is the first time I've seen him in three weeks AYYYYYYYY It's the Baloney Brothers! I'm a girl so it's kind of like Baloney Brother Sister, but, aah, whatever, who cares? I apologize for my absence in the past two weeks, did you miss me? AHH, maybe a little. Hah, I got no one else in my life literally. I was talking to a tree the other day. It was dead! Yeah, I was trying to encourage it to get back to life, but it didn't work. I got sad. Whatever, what were you saying? I was busy publishing my second book. The one on Commodification and idealization of love in mainstream media that I mentioned a while back. BLEUGH! I finally finished it early this week. Wow! READING. I don't even know what a book is. I just make coffee. I can barely read the menu. Like, I learned--I know like almost all the alphabet, though. I'll get a copy. Thank you. It would be available both online and in stores even though people rarely go bookstores anymore. I admit, I am awful with deadlines though. I had to stay up through the night to finish on time Oh well, like the saying goes, "Nothing a strong cup of coffee can't fix" HAH! I get it. Don't worry. I get it. I make coffee. That's why it's funny, right? I make coffee, uh, that... That's what you mean, anyway. The tenacity of the human spirit never ceases to amaze me. So, Mr. Mesolonely. How's life been treating you? Anything on your mind lately? Ahhhh, Zane. Gonna come out right and say it. There's something I wanna ask you. Why the fuck haven't you been dipping me anymore, babe? Come on. You did me once and then just leave me hanging? Please ask away. No guarantee I'll be able to answer them... aaaah I...like you a lot. Yeah, you got good... Nips? I dunno. Thank you dear. The same to you. You have some of the best nips I've ever seen Will you...be my... Boyfriend... You think I would date you? Straightfoward isn't it, this confession? It's a little exhilarating when you put it so plainly. I like it. Mr. Mesolonely, I--- Wait. Hold it right there. Stop right there criminal scum. You can't ask him out. You barely even know him. This isn't supposed to be a realistic game, but like...c'mon, it makes no sense. Just because you made him coffee and talked to him like once, he's obliged to date you? Nah, buddy gotta earn it How did you get to this part of the game? You took initiative! You had options to run, to go in circles, to be a bad person, but you didn't. You persevered. This is a video game, though. You can do the right thing with the click of a button Minimal effort, easy peasy, don't even have to think about it Shame real life doesn't work that way. I'd probably be rich and famous and not on my ass coding a dating simulator. I mean, you're part of this too, sitting there with your mouth open staring at the computer. Hey, you don't tell Mr. Mesolonely what Mr. Mesolonely does with his or her mouth. Mr. Mesolonely's mouth is off-limits to you. You're wasting your time in a game called "Date (almost) Anything Simulator" for Christ's sake Which is almost as pathetic as the dumbass who decided to make it? Hey If there's one thing that rhymes with "Mr. Mesolonely" besides "baloney," it's "dumb ass." Don't you have something better to do? NAH. Do you work? This is my work. Finish your chores? Literally, this is what I'm supposed to do clean my room as far as everybody knows it's clean, but down here It's a swamp, like, Shrek's right in the corner, and you never know. Better yet, When was last time you start a conversation with a stranger? Made someone coffee? Take initiative in your own life not just a video game Do something. Anything. Eat some food. Drink some water. Take a walk. Buy the next person in line a coffee Hell, if you're really lazy, tell me about your day. "Your"? Mr. Mesolonely could go on for days about how my day is yeah, I'm not gonna do that yeah. I am not gonna do that One click away, am I right? You downloaded the game thinking it was going to be funny. Here's a real funny joke for you Is it my face? It's usually the punchline in these things. Oh, I get it. Oh, shit, you've done all that work to get to the end. Now you see the ending. What a waste of time. This is exactly what I'm doing right now So yeah I'm just gonna end the game here one big build up to goddamn nothing. I'm gonna leave you hanging. Let that sink in. You seem disappointed Frustrated NAH Mr. Mesolonely's been living with disa-bluhhh-disappointment her whole life. That's not really a new sensation Betrayed? Yeah-- no... Still hopeful cuz you keep clicking that left mouse button. I'm actually hitting the space bar Don't know if you know that. It's more efficient for me. Go on. Complain. Get mad. Ragequit. Don't play this game again. Close this window Delete the file Turn off your computer and finish whatever you were doing before probably never want to come back after what I just pulled. I'm glad too because I want you to leave this game and never come back But before you go one last thing Zane loves you. These are his words. My words. Whatever you decide to do after finishing this game we'll be there for you...in spirit. I mean, I get it doing things is hard Living is hard. Too many distractions, too many pitfalls, too many things to do or be. Zane and I are so proud of you for making it this far in life. Just like we're proud of you for making it this far in the game This is our breakup letter to time wasted, instant gratification, and procrastination. This is our love letter to you. Now, go out there and change the world, love! shit, dude Fuck. That hit me right in my feelers! Mr. Mesolonely Baloney just rumbling created by sky Q storyline by me mee mee mee mee mee mee mee Me Me. Yay! We did it! We dated Zane, and we got to an ending besides the asshole ending. Feel like a changed person here. That's actually kind of cool. So I imagine there's actually a lot of endings like a lot of different things that you can do through here I'm not gonna get to all of them, but I actually kinda find this game charming, so Thank you everybody so much for watching let me know what you thought of this down to comments below I had a lot of fun with this because I was just having fun on my own with Mr. Mesolonely. You guys witnessed the birth of a brand new character that I hope to never bring back ever again So let me know what you thought of it down the comments below. I'll put a link in the description I believe this game is totally free so you guys can check out the other endings for yourself or maybe I'll play another one.. try to... Try to get to the rest of the endings in another episode. Let me know what you think down in the comments. Thanks again everybody for watching. And as always, I will see you in the next video. Bye. Bye
