Hello everybody my name is mus-muh OHHH boy... Hello everybody my name is Markipler and welcome to Mr. Massagy the game where YOU- you, oh hi I wasn't done with my intro here, Oliver! I-I'm not Johnny I'm Mr. Massagy I'm Mr. Massage-iplier I'm Marki-sagy I don't know what those mean babadobabada (in a questionable Scottish accent) Hey Johnny ya great bastard! It's your old mate Oliver here Listen, the night is young and so are we I know how you looove massages, right? Why does your shirt say I heart... I can only imagine that's a goose or a duck. It doesn't look like any sort of chicken I've ever seen So either you love cock... or you love duck. or you love an oblong piece of broccoli I'm not entirely sure Anyway I know you looove massages right? Right?! RIGHT?!?! RIGHT-Okay Boot up this app called 'Linger' and it'll set ya up on dates willing to massage a turd like you Get those Massagys and be crowned th-the glorious Mr. Massagy I am unclear on the purpose of this game What the fuck is happening here? Alright anyway... Ya know what I'll get behind it So. load your man guns and start swiping for dates! Oh! I've been *kisses his arms* I've been Loading my man guns as hard as I can *Mark's smexy pose* *Mark noises and grunts* You have the body and the charming looks Damn right I do! :) If its one thing that Markiplier got it's da body and the charming looks *charming looks* Not the... Fuck y- fuck you. But you do have the best wingman around, mate! Oh, he's Australian! Now don't go and let me down you wanker! That's Australian, right? Oh shit, what the fuck is that? Ohh, it's my profile. Jo-Johnny! Ooh! [awh?] Ooh! [just ooh this time] *profile pics make grunting noises* Okay. About me, I'm a great listener and in contact with my feelings. There's a sexy guy in my phone! Oh wait! It's just me! Oh, to get in touch with my inner Johnny Bravo. I lift and I can lift you up too! I'm a winner! Hail to the king baby! *lowers voice* Hail to the king, baby. I don't know what I'm doing with my life anymore. I need a hug :( But that sounds like me! I might go with that one! Oh, alright then. Hang on, let me explore the rest of this. Alright, you know or whatever, it's fine I can't tell who you are. I see living people... You're damn right you do! Oh, not enough experience? Papu-Aiye? Oh, boy. Oh, boy, okay. Alrighty then. Goodbye! Sorry, I don't have enough experience for you. Social DLC! Share Mr Massagy and you'll- new dates are signing up! Share Mr Massagy and you'll see them soon! nope. Rial, 19. Okay! WOO! I'VE GOT A MATCH! Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. What the fuck is happening? UGHHHHHHO *grunts* Hang on. *grunt?* fuck. Johnny is in a fancy shrimp restaurant. His date just arrived. Hi! My name is Rial, but everyone calls me Tuto! I've been staring at you from outside for a while! Wow, you totally look exactly like your r- Linger™ pic! I love your flowing blond hair! Hey girl, you are looking just fiiii- okay? Ha, straight to the point, huh? Where you going with this huh? That you have squishable bewbs? oh no.. oh boy "Ah thanks I thought you were going to say something really stupid" Sorry, that's the only thing that I say hope you're ready for a whole bunch of disappointment on this lovely date of ours "Why don't we grab something to eat? I'm kinda starving. What would you like?" OooO T-Bone steak, baby! Straight to the bone A shrimp sandwhich A big fat... Just an onion for me one whole on-ion did you know onions have layers? a lot like my *laughing in regret* dick? *giggle giggle* jeez ah, fuck. I'll take an onion "Hmph! So I guess you'd rather have stinky onion breath for me." Uhhh, just kidding! Ha.. Now I know you're interested in me. Ha! "Ooo! Yeah you're so clever! Got ya nailed ya.. not yet but soon... let's see I have more where that came from "Ha! Nice! You know what? I wanna get to know you better. I'm in guys I'm in "And you know what? I know the perfect way to do that! Let's play a game! "It's about knowing things." Oh god no! I don't know anything I'm FUCKED "Give it a shot! Truth or dare?" that's not about knowing things! Uhh truth me "Nice! Tell me, what is your weirdest habit? I like to buy giant bags of Takis Then I don't eat the Takis itself, I just lick the powder off of them if there was a way to get bulk powder.. if anyone knows how to get bulk Takis powder LET ME KNOW I WANT IT SO BADLY I've got down to a "science"? I know there's 2 factories that produce Takis There's an inferior version of Takis and then there's a superior version that's extra powdery and tastes better anyway I KNOW THIS SPONSOR ME TAKIS- SPONSOR ME! Uh, I pretend I'm a cat and stare at people through the window. You what "Ah! I would love to see that! It sounds creepy and cute at the same time! just like you baby, just like you Let's switch now, your turn, okay truth or dare? "hmm. I would say... I choose truth! Ah, do you like massages? "I thought you were never going to ask! Let's go!" WOAH WOOAH HELLLL YEA WHAT THE FUCK woah.. oh shit you ready for the massage of your life? you ready? wait.. *mark dives* OH OH its its a rumblin so the whole point of this game is you hook up your controller and it.. then it just starts vibrating.. you're supposed to massage your neck, you know? You're supposed to *dying of laughter* massage.. yeah... it's a good game, alright, lets get into the massage oh, that's a nice, Oh! Oo, yea thats pretty nice controllers got a good rumble function yeah, that's nice i dont know what im doing am i supposed to be doing anything else? it certainly is rumbly click *x15 rhythematically* yepp wooo that's a nice massage right there. oh! it was ohh that was a tutorial! oh okay i didn't no one told me what to do at least i've got experience now let me just put my massager down for.. LATER see ya in a bit no i didnt put it down my pants shut up. okay so imma swipe no I'm not sure what's going on here, but I'll go for it? I guess? Yay! We like each other! Mr. Massagy, coming in. Coming in hot and heavy Get ready for the massaaaaaage! Oh, fuck I'm corded Fuck- can only spin back and forth! Make this look like I'm spinning in a goddamn circle! *by the power of editing* Fuck, okay. "Johnny meets with Nicole out in the woods, in the middle of the night. She wants to share with Johnny her favorite hobby." *barking* "Hi Johnny I'm sooooOh glad you made it! This means a lot to me. I know it was a long drive gettin here but it'll be totally worth it, just you wait!" Are you excited to be here?" Holy crap! A tal- AHHHHHHHH! AHHHHHH! "You know what? That's literally racist buddy. I am a werewolf, but it's not like I go around killing sheep and humping legs. Well... I hump sooome things ;) but I don't wanna talk about it yet. So maybe you can be open minded about this and maybe future dates huh?" Sorry, this is the first time I've seen such a cute werewolf Hahaa! Got ya! "Aw thanks! My mom used to say the same thing too, I take real good care of my skin. Especially my hair. I wash my hair with egg yolk. I h-hunt chickens for it myself. Being a werewolf in this world is hard. Especially as a girl. Me run away from me and women.. run away from me too usually. and man oh man I've had the worst luck in dates." What's been your worst date so far? "Omgigosh so once, I dated this stable boy.. and he had a pet duck! Emphasis on 'had', you know I couldn't resist such a delicious looking duck. Ya know? 'MY DUCK' he screamed, the sable boy, he was so girly and that's why it was the worst date." *laughing*- Oh, I'd never blow it like that, I have no- I'm gonna make a duck sound. O-Oh! Fucking fuck! Ohhhh fuck! Holy shit! Oh my god! What the fuck?! "Yikes! Talk about a hairy situation. Johnny was attacked by a werewolf! RIP, man." Oh! Crikey, I reckon this wasn't my fault! What do you mean it wasn't your fault? You didn't intervene in any way! What do y- You were supposed to be my wingman! Well, she was probably gonna eat you *mumbling* but you could've helped, at least a little bit! Let's try that again, huh Alright- burgh burgh burgh- oh fuck. Okay so don't make a duck sound- I have no ducks left to give. "Hey! That's awesome. I have a feeling you won't. Anyway.. that's a summery of my dating life. Not much to write about. pathetic right? Maybe that's why I love spending time alone in these woods. Chasing squirrels, hunting ducks, and other unaware prey. Maybe my life's too simple I dunno." Interesting, so do you live around here too? "Oh! I live in a cave nearby. Great atmosphere, nice ventilation, no need to paint the walls. It's prime real-estate! If I have any nosy neighbors I usually just hunt them down. The only problem I have right now is the sewage, it gets clogged up from all the hair. Since I shave, like twice a day, there's a lot of hair to get rid of. But hey, that's a minor problem in exchange for my beautiful cave-mansion!" A cave! Hey babe, if it's cool with you, it's cool with me! Woah! Triple massagy! "I'm so glad you don't mind me living in a cave! I'm independent and happy so what's wrong with that? Wow... you've been nothing but charming and understanding (and only slightly racist tonight) so you know what? I want you to be the first guy I welcome into my cave!" Is that a euphemism? *Unintelligible* ya fucking werewolf! I'M NOT A DUCK! "It can be a bit humid at first, but you'll find it very warm inside!" Okay- alright I'm trying to imagine a situation where this isn't a sexual innuendo. I'm trying to imagine one possible connotation but my brain is struggling to comprehend this in any other way that isn't a euphemism "Come one Johnny, let's go! I can give you a massage with my sharp claws!" "Am I the number one wing man or what?" I have no idea- you didn't do a single thin that whole goddamn time. Ooh, that's nice Oh that's- oh, that's nice. Oh that- oh, that's nice! Ooh! Oh that's a nice one! *groaning uncomfortably* Okay- that's fine So- each of these- each of these, um 'interesting people'... Give vastly different massages. This massage is nice. But then gets intense, from what I can only imagine is sharp claws, digging into my ba- *more uncomfortable groaning* Okay- move on from that one. Okay got that one. Martha? Woah, duck- oops. I got a duck! That's nice. Don't know how I got that, but I got it. I might have got it by dying Change your profile? I don't wanna change my profile, I'm a winner bay-bay Nope Mayo? I think I know what that is, I saw it in the trailor Janein. Hi Janein. Don't look at me Janein. I'm too pretty, I'm too pretty for all y'all Uh, My. Massagy commin in "Random Tip #183: During a date at a fancy restaurant, stealthily urinate on her leg to show dominance. I-I don't know about that. "Johnny is in a space craft in the middle of no where." Hi how are you? "HIIIIIII" "OMG YOU ARE SO HANDSOME!!! LET'S MAKE BABIES HERE AND NOW" WOAH WOAH Woah wait what?! JACKPOT! *screams* Alright, sure, jackpot "Heck, take what you can get, amirite?" O-Okay? I-I guess? Well, that was easy... Alright then. O-okay, alright We'll see... Oo, it's pulsing. *screams and grunts* MY REPRESSED CHILDHOOD MEMORIES OH GOD, let's try that again with a little less- a little less insanity going on Let's try that again Alright, okay, where are we? "Oh yes, my bad! I got too excited when I saw you!. My name is Janein, and this is my favorite place on this planet." It's kinda dark "WHAT YOU DON'T LIKE THIS PLACE? IS IT NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU? IS THIS A BIG FAT JOKE TO YOU? SPIT IT OUT." Your place is exquisite, madam. "You do like it! I knew you'd like it! I fixed it all just for this date! Just for you, YOU, you, and you alone. I went through a lot of trouble to get you here too! Can I get you water, a cookie, lube? Whatever you'd like to ingest. I want you to feel comfortable since I need... *doesn't want to continue sentence* ..load I mean a lot from you! Feeling good? Feeling great?! Let's go have fun!" Oh, I'll give you--- whoah Uh *stuttering* I don't feel comfortable this isn't going to be age restricted "Every night is lovely out here and it's getting better because you're here too! It took me a while to get to you, and I want to make the most of it. yes Yes YEs YES I feel like I traveled two galaxies just to be with you! I've been watching you for such a long long long timeee. Don't you feel we belong together?? Now that you're an adult I can FINALLY use your genes!" Uhhhh why do you need me genes?? "Isn't it obvious?! You're so funny and I bet so kind too! I need them to make babies just right! You're big and strong! I bet your genes are too! You... you think I'm talking about your pants don't you? Uhg never mind that! Gosh you're so insufferable. Selfish, selfish, selfish too! I want YOU to use ME as pants! I'll be your pants! Oh never mind never mind! We can take things slow! We have all night! You should be happy tonight! Although I already know everything about you! It's silly to keep chatting right?" We could, but it really does smell weird. "OMG on second thought, it does smell kind of funny in here! I was sure I got rid of that smell last week!! I'll be right back Johnny dear! DON'T GO ANYWHERE." Janein left through a weird, liquid door. Johnny hears some ruckus under the floor. Janein is cursing like a sailor. Something is burning, but the smell disappeared. "Whew! Glad that's gone now! Smell aside, what do you think? About us I mean? Are we going to share our bodies?! Ours genes?! Our love?!" Why do you wanna have kids so badly? "Oh don't you just love children!? See them running, playing? Perpetuating your species? Children are a miricle, we should totally just have some, like right not. Or is it that you don't find me attractive? Don't I look pretty to you?! Oh no!! And after everything I went through to look attractive. I feel like crying out every pore :( I can't do anything else *sniff* I'm so naturally unappealing (same) No your beauty is outta this world! "Aww! You mean it? If you find me pretty then you MUST want me!" But babies.. why though? "What does there have to be a reason for everything?" That's a nice Charlie Brown face. "I mean I love you! We're totally soul mates right? Uh the truth is Johnny, I wanna reproduce with you because... you're so.. smart? UHG YOU WIN, I CAN'T LIE ANYMORE. Here it goes... I guess you deserve the real truth.. Well, where I come from, you know... it's complicated. Needless to say, I must bear strong children to save my people. I need my dozen eggs fertilized by and ALPHA male I'm sure you know people that go through that right? Even so, I won't force you to do something you don't want to I really really truly do care about you. But I really really truly hope you can see my point of view now." But what are you? "I'm the future mother of your children of course! Glad you could understand my situation Let's not waste any time! You're going to need a lot of energy and lube. Oh my how exciting! My armpits are already wet." Such a nice girl, you have a kind heart Johnny. What did you say to me? Let's try for triple intensity *making comments about the massage* Yeppp not into that, don't think I'm into that I'm not into that one! Alright one more Mayo Uhhh Mayo needs, Mayo needs a different- I'm a great listener and in contact with my feelings. You like that Mayo? Huh Mayo? Thought so! I think I know what this is. I think I know what this is. I think I saw this before, in the trailer and I have a funny feeling about this. Random Fact #79: During the 30's Hollywood actors were not aloud to kiss for longer than 3 seconds. I didn't know that, is that true? YEAH YEAH IT'S 'I AM MAYO' I LOVE MAYO I AM THE MAYO WHATEVER IS WAS Okay anyway, "Hi, my name is Mayo. Welcome to my apartment, make yourself at home. I have a chair somewhere, at least I think I do." *mayo sighs* W... T... F.. "Yeah yeah, I know my apartment is an armpit. So messy. Oh hey! May I offer you something to drink?" Anything will do, I am unusually thirsty. "Okay here you go." Mayo gave Johnny a white substance with some mint leaves. "Oh, I know I look a bit down. Sorry I can't be a better hostess at the moment." *Mark continues to poke Mayo* I think this is made by the same people who made "I am Mayo" and if you haven't seen my video on that.... that's a wild ride. *continues to poke Mayo* "I was so very incredibly lucky that you picked me on Linger.. You have a nice butt. Maybe you don't wanna hear about it, no one should." Sure, I'm a great listener! "Oh really! You will, here it goes... It's just that, I feel like my father isn't proud of me.. yanno? That makes me seriously lose my confidence, so a few days ago, this girl I had just met left me. It was really stupid. So I kinda put my own sexuality into question.. I'm just confused now. I dunno what I want or who I am anymore." Well, let me help you, start talking about your feelings. "I've sort of been experimenting with my self.. my sexuality with different partners and stuff. It all started when I tried this tight red bikini *laughs* it made me feel very confident. It opened a whole side of me I never knew I had, I'm such a wild ride and I love it." WOAH MAMA, WOAH MAMA keep it goin. "Aw geez, you're making me blush now, this is something I've never told anyone. So what happened was I experimented with different clothes. I felt wild in my leopard bikini. I felt savage with my potato outfit. Shortly after that, I started getting nude in public. Everything was great until I went in the zoo's monkey cage. Needless to say I went to prison. Woah let me tell you, I won't be wearing that banana suit again." Is it just me or is it getting steamy in here? "Oh boy.. I feel... *doesn't want to continue sentence* *laughing* it's a talking jar of mayonnaise!! *screams* "Oh boy, but I'll keep going. An I don't know what to tell you. I feel so confused. Some days I feel like I'm playing catch up with my self." Playing ketchup? "Yeah, playing catch up that's what I said." .... "So I kept wearing the bikini's that made me feel confident, but nothing. I wore me elephant trousers, but nothing. It's like... like I suddenly lost my spark you know? I don't know what I want anymore!" Maybe you need to wear the clothes for someone who appreciates them. "You think so? Things can't be that simple, can they? I've never met anyone who likes my elephant trousers." Well I really... like..... putting... elephants... on .... my..... groins... "Oh Johnny! Could it be that you were the one I was waiting for! Could it have been?! I've been alone with you inside my jar" And in my dreams I've kissed your lid a thousand times. "Sometimes I see you pass inside my door." *laughing* Hello? "Is it me you're looking for?" "I can see it in your pecs *laughing hard* I can see it in your smile." You're all I ever wanted and my pecs are open wide. "Cause you know just what to say! and you know just what to do! and I want to tell you so much..." I love youuuuu Alright, bye then, bye Mayo Okay Grouse play bro Alright, okay, what kind massagy Nothing Nothing OoHh you Oh.. oh that's lingering A lingering low rumble Which leaves an after taste of mayo in my mouth Alright, yeah that's good. I'mma set that one down now.. I'm going to set this whole game down. This game is weirding me out a little bit Man, there's a lot that I haven't done yet. Woooooooo Ooooh boy 'no one can handle this amount of taste.' The white ending OOOO I gotta a jar of mayo So anyway, that is the first episode of Mr. Massagy I don't know if I'm even going to play more of this it's actually hilarious like that's the thing about this, this game is so awkward and weird, but it's so hilarious. I like that ending, I like that in a jar of mayonnaise to be awkward and weird and make me laugh and also massage my neck. anyway, thank you all for watching let me know what you thought of this game in the comments below. no sexual innuendos here kinda like a single entendre not a double one. but pretty good pretty good. I like it a lot I don't like it. but I like that game I don't like what the game does to me, but I like the game. So thank you everybody so much for watching, and if you want to see more of this, let me know in the comments below I might do... *batman voice* a full playthrough, baby So thanks again, and as always, I will see you in the next video! Buh-bye! *outtro theme*
