Danny Tells Jewish Stories - Game Grumps Compilations

I haven't washed my hair in a while huh does that ever happen you and like you turn your head too fast and you like touch a whiff of your own oh oh no no I I wash my hair very frequent um I can't because mine's too jewy so like if I wash it too much it gets like crazy dry it's like like froze out let's go use conditioner no like no conditioner is powerful enough to tame beastly Judaism that lies within the brain on this guy I've been thinking it's time for me to buy everything you see pictures like tiny children before you ask yes I do know my violin I really don't know what the answer is so that only happens to people wants come on yeah what is it [ __ ] what happens to people once a year all right try to steal it let's see what you got yeah I'll steal no you're so [ __ ] cool Sheldon Christmas No Judaism against me god damn it it only happens here oh yes this does it happen to people it just happened god damn it what a load of horseshit my first name is late my full first name is Lee Daniel but my um no one's ever called me that they boy I've always got my middle name but Lee is spelled like le IgH like like a girl like a girl would spell a like Leigh so when you see my full name like on IDs with like the middle initial D it just looks like it says lady Oh Lady of it I wasn't thinking of it like that there are many there are many lady Abaddon's oh you were thinking of like lay the app yes exactly I think of like lady yeah lady avatar well now I'm sorry I brought it up like a [ __ ] 1800s mistress good evening lady Avalon have you seen Lady Avedon's undergarments gee it's bad enough that she's a Jew a prostitute and a Jew this is buffoonery this is terrible sir this is baffling this is before the battery this makes me uncomfortable yes I no longer know what I'm saying yeah God knows members of our audience problems these nerves it sucks you know I think um Berto in this game bears a much more striking resemblance here than now of an uncircumcised penis I don't know man my [ __ ] my experience with looking at like dicks in general pretty limited I'm Jewish so not an issue Oh true true but well from the bottom looks like that that's a bad that's a bad scene it does a bit I mean yeah it's got skin all around the wee-wee it looks like a dog peepee because you know dogs look at circumcised who the [ __ ] cares yeah tell don't you wish Oh solid point yeah is this the one where it comes off okay no that's a [ __ ] nightmare by the way what if my dog was Jewish wouldn't it be awesome like what would what circumstances with its like Jodi to me that's a good thing to teach a dog ro bacon just dog okay you gotta wear a yarmulke all the time and it's all like training back leg like go through here it sends me to another world no [ __ ] yeah hopefully it's a world I want to be in do it what the hell and you were alive I'd be like don't you dare close your car hold your breath it gets better what if you went to hell but you were alive yeah and they were just like what do I do with like what what do I do with you and her now they'd be like I've never oh god I'm so I was born Jewish so like hell was never a problem it's true Jews don't believe in hell and it's super relaxing oh I forgot I can hide behind the [ __ ] things where you can see where just flat bye-bye here's the best yes goes so what he explained to me why he does that cuz yeah Hebrew is his first language mhm so like he actually thinks everything in Hebrew then has to translate it in his head into English and then he can say mm-hmm so like sometimes between sentences he'll just have to reload and and but sometimes he gets caught in a [ __ ] a logic loop a timely he's just stuck there for like seven seconds doing the time loop let's do the [Applause] [Laughter] you can actually I'll play it again for you later you can hear my mom laughing in the background that's awesome good I'm so happy yeah dude 420 I got 424 I got 420 doesn't mean anything to you yeah it does it's a Hitler's birthday oh that is offensive to me that's what it means to me it doesn't mean good okay it just means the thing fair enough it also means the day wherever wherever I Drive I'm like man there are a lot of skunks out today you yeah you have never smoked Merrill I've never smoked the Jane that is amazing to me and why just it's I mean it's just so everywhere it's like how do you not accidentally smoke and beat what I don't know just like trip and fall welcome back to the game east grumps that you know I don't like the way that this boat is looking at you he's got a nose that is gigantic and disgusting too and I hate his [ __ ] face I am a juice will thing called improv nice we're gonna blow your mind I did not spend years writing those layers do not lock myself away look man if the stars like not happy with how it played out give me a bagel dude what I can for you to do yeah do I have to make the baby I can't I'm doing paleo right now dude is that some kind of Jewish thing what the [ __ ] you talking about the fact that you would say I would be your bagel guy know why you turn it into a race thing and it was clearly not a race thing I just bagels are delicious man I'm not the one who said that you're the one who said that bagels are [ __ ] delicious delicious and you're all the one who's always cuz I'm Jewish you know not because you're Jewish it's cuz bagels are [ __ ] delicious you know who really likes bagels oh [ __ ] you're right it's true that was where that joke came from sorrow as why the whole time you saw through my clever ruse thank you I'm gonna melt dugongs frozen heart know with love never buddy with flames with jizzy fire yeah and you're dead wait that was supposed to be super effective Oh cuz do gongs water ice not regular ice what is that mean fires not effective because of the water look here's how Pokemon way okay a Pokemon can be one or two types right Jewish or not mariya both to me just giving they're not mutually exclusive right alright next time I gave oves oh it's just in such a hurry to get the [ __ ] out oh my god just like yanking my thumb's on Captain Thomas I'm attempting oh my tummy hurts it rumbles I got tummy hurt Dan whoa the coming problem okay tell me you don't have to tell me all about them tell me props I have a sensitive juice stomach it's true is that like a thing oh yeah we are [ __ ] [ __ ] Oh Gabriel Oh [ __ ] they'll have it alright and just do it don't forget your sensitive juice them oh yeah we are a cesspool of genetic disaster sorry no problem yeah I still remember the first [ __ ] like I remember the first four words of my bar mitzvah thing that I had to like sing oh god it's not gonna sound good with this song but it's like that's all I remember really and but I mean like my my Torah passage like they you know what the Torah is right yeah that's like the Jewish Bible yeah more or less yeah yeah all these Jews around all these jewy stories yeah man like the Torah my mouth it's in these it's it's these sacred Scrolls basically it's the Torah written on scrolls and like they're very protected and like they put coverings over them and they'll have like a silver like crown on certain ones of them and they're all different crowns and they're but yeah and they're behind a curtain too so when I would go to Temple is a little kid the curtain would be closed all the time damn they are raring to go and they pull the curtain back and you'd see them and it was like that I remember like the first time and I'm not a religious person but like I remember like seeing them as a kid and being like wow like like reverence you know like they just look like really important so they're like somewhere Oh every every temple has a Torah yeah it's like it's it's it's essentially the Hebrew Bible but like written by hand by rabbis like and blessed you know like it's super sacred and in medieval times it would take like your life was like transcribing that [ __ ] yeah so it was intense that's some [ __ ] like fantasy [ __ ] it's very interesting man I guess it's an old old religion it's I think it I think it's the first monotheistic religion maybe not it's one of the first certainly any any who oh I see I see a game so what a Bar Mitzvah is is that's the rite of passage when you're 13 and you have to memorize basically and read and sing in a certain way a passage from the Torah and it's just like I don't know what the selection process is the the part of the Torah that I had to read was like the second longest that you can be assigned so I like I just had to study it with my mom for like months and months and months and I had to do it in Israel too yeah in front of like all these like super elderly Jewish guys that like were like old school Israeli and they like you could hear like the murmurs when like they found out like that a kid from America who didn't speak Hebrew was gonna be doing it and like it it was really cool cuz I did it I did it well and my my granddad on my Israeli side who I never really knew that well like that was the one time I he was really really proud of me yeah he was like he was very moved you could say because he was like a Holocaust survivor so to like see his grandson from another part of the world like maintain the traditions that he almost died for you know like it was a big deal for him I know this this got heavier than I meant it to but like I don't even know where I was going with it oh yeah yeah that's what it was it was just that like after it was over I like almost fainted like walking out of the temple cuz I was like I didn't realize it but I was so nervous and like I guess I was too nervous to eat and everything and as soon as over like my body just like shut down yeah it was crazy it was a crazy experience but you only got to do that [ __ ] once whoops Oh mr. Martin that's kind of how I felt when I danced in front of Joey Fatone yeah the sacred Rite of traditional Jewish passage and dancing for Joey fatone's probably about the same oh that's right that's right that's right hey you know what I can call a friend oh yeah he's my lifeline yeah a friend where are you Batman eight six five two one eight six nine two four point none yeah would you suddenly get turned into like a like a dreidel yeah you could have gone the easy Christian route like a nun but instead you courteously went the esoteric Jewish way for me Aaron I wasn't courteous feelings I appreciate it well it's because I know my I know my dreidel bro I used to play that [ __ ] all the time I love dreidel did you really yeah well who doesn't like dreidel I don't know let's sing let's sing the alphabet song dreidel goddamn it hey mr. Teddy hey what's up mr. Diddley bit I'm gonna give hunters rally Dibley Verde missed a nice [ __ ] sordin situation going on there lift that Vette gimel dalet hey Bob sign pet pet you'd cough up my fire paper sound the kind paid based ID I don't what this song is I don't know what you're talking about that guy's gonna [ __ ] die yeah you show the [ __ ] out and get your [ __ ] together [ __ ] get your tiddly bits in line my friend you can't hurt each other right no I got oh hey I'd literally just said that I smell like old person today yeah you did I don't need more though I almost said you do never then I corrected myself mentally so check this out yo you want it you want to talk about secrets right now I'm did I already do this in the show no I didn't it's right there its secrets hurt someone Aaron secrets secrets are no fun all right let's continue with the conversation that I was having before you said that if you tell a secret now right here I am and you believe that's how the rhyme yes that's the same with like companies there are a lot of people that boycott certain companies because they like publicly stand for something right but you don't know what other companies privately stand for oh that's very true you don't know if there's like a [ __ ] guy that's like because I'm not I'm not [ __ ] supporting your hating whites or whatever yeah I'm not cool with the fact that you hate Jews yeah Kraft Macaroni but start [ __ ] rumors I am supporting that you guys make a [ __ ] delicious sandwich yes oh I catch you I'd I would think you deserve to be rewarded for making delicious sandwiches my darling do not to run away from your field thanks excuse me six seconds so if anyone really wants to go to sleep to an endless loop of that yes you can find it wait so if you buy the Ocarina of Time soundtrack is the Islamic chanting on it I honestly have no idea but it is like religious chanting though right it sounded like it from that description I don't know I don't I don't speak any language other than English but you used to know Hebrew I did I did Hebrew was my first language when I was like a little baby and I've completely forgotten all of it that's a shame yeah so if I was like my Hanukkah yeah you'd be like I'd be like that's very offensive go [ __ ] well I mean I remember like the songs my dad used to sing to me like as a kid like to help me go to sleep and stuff yeah like what like Noomi Noomi Noomi Noomi you mean the dance that that guy did that's a Numa Numa okay yeah this goes like [Music] imagine that was very relaxing because asleep did not help me sleep it goes a [Music] new me new me new and like there's another part but yeah as soon as like it became such a Pavlovian response that as soon as he started saying that I did yeah Oh interesting god I can't believe I still remember that it's been like 30 years wow that's cool yeah cuz for anyone who doesn't know [ __ ] means Native American or it used to mean Native American and the Washington Redskins were established in the 30s I guess and when that sort of thing was more acceptable and I don't know I don't have a strong opinion on it but like some people are offended by the name and they're trying to get it changed all that whatever the point the point is their owner Dan Snyder is Jewish so the onion this might be an old article but my friend just sent it to me the onion did an article headline is Redskins [ __ ] owner refuses to change team's offensive name denying widespread claims that the franchise is being offensive or disrespectful the Washington Redskins [ __ ] owner announced Monday that it respects steadfast refusal to use derogatory name the shifty-eyed he went on to assure power to preservatives Brown Aaron [Laughter] oh god that's funny man those guys are so [ __ ] there yeah they're so like they know exactly what to do and there I remember a lot of onion writers came from like the comedy schools or perform at the comedy schools that Bryan and I started out at in New York many years ago and like they I remember talking to a few of them and saying like and they were saying how highly trained they were to like study the language of how newspapers work and like the the the way that they addressed topics and when like which sentence they move on to the the deeper meaning it's it's really interesting they just take their craft so seriously which is why it's so [ __ ] funny every time yeah well that's that's what's so impressive about good comedy like that is just like it's so simple and it's so obvious and it's so well researched yeah but like it's it's just funny and like nobody thought of it but them oh yeah oh God as a Jewish man they really had me at shifty-eyed oh yeah take that twinkling titanite it is I need more money goddamn it Dan get me more money please you got it Jew powers activate Shalom Shalom and hello the investments all around see you later everybody show them I'm so strong everybody I love you bye-bye not you look I am that means to life god bless you okay a newcomer a newcomer you look different than us we all look disgusting in exactly the same way stay up huge noses that's their thing whoa easy now let's just start a huge gnosis are you suggesting that they are shifty-eyed hebes like myself look even the game doesn't like looking at like whoa censored for gross are you going to the desert I'll open this gate for you but can't cross the desert unless you pass the two trials you can't walk across this river after you cross it Oh what yeah I've heard once you go black you never go back I know that's true because I'm you know I'm of a different descent and it's once you go Jewish there's a 40 to 45 percent chance that you never go back but that's actually being pretty generous once you go Jewish you enjoyed anyway I'm gonna do boss rush because that sounds like oh it's Ross's level what randomly stumble across a Ross level I've already done this yeah we've done this one this is one of like it's like Mario maker [ __ ] episode four I don't think so and then Joe the sort maybe you can you can kill the pigs in Minecraft Oh true that yeah but the pigs are just pigs oh the little bees are blonde yeah they're cute I don't know anything about them I don't think pigs are cute pigs are cute but the minor F F pigs are a little ugly okay actually when when people hear I don't eat pork like they immediately pork no what have you ever seen me eat just oh okay yeah people are like oh wow I didn't realize you were like such an observant Jew that you're kosher and I like no pigs are just cute okay do it they're smart and cute yeah well cows are smart and cute they are but they well I don't eat red meat either doing more delicious yeah no they're they never I never felt empathy for them the same way for some reason uh like not eating red meat was like a health maybe because they were like literally built to be slaughtered Oh harsh like if we didn't if we didn't breed them for sustenance I think they would have died off really yeah they're like completely defenseless well and they're perfect for eating that's what yeah because in [ __ ] Halloween dude yeah well there's Christmas and candy candy like the [ __ ] you get the red and green that's Christmas candy so right so it is I feel like starlight mints are pretty festive what about what about gelt yeah for Chinook oh yeah yeah yeah gelt which I have to say even though gelt is delicious and the chocolate they use is super tasty the fact that we give out chocolate coins really doesn't do much to dispel the whole [ __ ] Jews love money stereotype everybody loves money though I know it's a dumb stereotype it's like saying [ __ ] white people love sugar like yeah everybody likes sugar except diabetics no but not white diabetic well diabetics still like it they just can't have it yes Jew is do or race or religion or both no it's a religion it just I don't know I don't [ __ ] know I just learned I I always thought scientists meant Jew and I just found out that it doesn't it's like a specific type of Jew that believes like it Israel's their homeland and I didn't know that [ __ ] and I'm Jewish so like [ __ ] who knows like throw up yeah and I was so funny huge headache I felt dude I that's how I felt after my bar mitzvah like I don't know if we ever talked about this on grumps but like we talked about it in the the Aaron interviews Dan what's it called the the interview things krump on Grum yeah is that what it was called yes why not well then it sounds too pornographic sure great like that you ever heard of polygroups I don't want to talk about it but yeah like they I got bar Mitzvahed for anyone who doesn't know a Bar Mitzvah is when you're 13 and Jewish it's a rite of passage many thousands of years old we're like a boy becomes a man you know you read a part of the Torah which is the Hebrew Bible and you sing it you like the the Cantor I don't know what the equivalent in Christianity would be but the person who sings this the scripture you sing it like them and so mine was in Israel to honor you know my dad and his family and the heritage that way but it was the most intense thing I ever experienced because you know like you can't you can't describe how intimidating that scenario is when you're 13 years old and you know you've been practicing for months at this thing and you're singing in a language you don't understand so you're going completely by sound and these old acidic Jews are like up in a balcony like looking down at you just judging like you feel the judgment because you're you're an American and you know like the temple their temple time is the most important thing in the world to them you know so like yeah just roll for a while that's a good it's a good tactic I figured I'd relax yeah so but I did it and and I remember seeing like the happiness on the faces of these old guys because like you know they were just very pleased and like my granddad on my Israeli side who I will I never got a chance to be close to because he was so physically far away that was like our one moment of like him being like I love you you know I am very proud of the person like he didn't get to see me become but like the person he knew I was going to become you know it was that it was that type of conversation and so anyway the reason I bring this up is because after we walked out of the temple and like mm-hmm you know this crazy intense experience I walked out into the sunshine and immediately like almost Fame did you know like my whole body and spirit and mind just gave out simultaneously and like I got like there's one like a fever like the chills fever and like yeah man yeah yeah yeah I felt ill like and we had sushi that day like they were very nice to the catering was was incredible but that day I guess they went all out and they got us like a sushi bar right we were it was like [ __ ] yeah and I was a little like oh man maybe we shouldn't get sushi so I but I ate it anyway cuz [ __ ] it and I thought like oh man I'm getting sick because the sushi but no it was just the [ __ ] experience yeah who's always falling for the Bopha Deez Nuts thing is it Brent I think Vernon did Vernon yeah Vernon's falling for multiple times God that one's the easiest one to get off like right away really if nobody knows your game you can just be like that's I mean it's just like both oh that's really hard it is I'm so glad you understand yeah but I mean it is so hard thank you okay it's really hard well it's because you can't you know I know I'm gonna get [ __ ] crucified for it no I don't think so they're gonna put me on a [ __ ] a wooden teeth did I tell you when I was a kid like I did I mean I didn't know what Christianity was when I was little because you know I didn't even really understand Jewish miss whatever you call it Judaism yeah that's the one temple time I'm like an hour so I thought whenever I would see like the cross like around town or in another town I would think that like it was a place where you got tea because I thought it was a lowercase T so I thought it was like a coffeehouse or something I was like can I get tea there my parents would be like the tension is building oh you go now mother good pick a card and squeeze the fart - oh she liked that she wishes Lord's Prayer [ __ ] it I got the [ __ ] money for that [ __ ] yes damn damn [ __ ] yeah you limpa what would you like a map for it well let's see I'm [ __ ] lost in snow head oh these are jewels I can't believe it jewel yeah they're getting the bark Mitzvah that's so stupid I'm sorry I got too excited they're they're fasting for young could pop [Music] that's but hilarious I love it in certain circles and offensive in others look honey it's the new neighbors the thanks teams oh [ __ ] okay don't get near them can you can you get to that oh that's really nice I don't know where I'm [ __ ] going I'm just walking around cool couldn't guess there's [ __ ] nothing around here seems like it there's a Oh SEP 4 all these jewels what's up hey there you go inform I'm doing my best I'm doing my best I'm doing my best oh baby baby baby baby baby but we should just start singing like third-grade songs like about good self-esteem like to help mitigate the oncoming waves of hate and derision that are coming our way I'm doing my best and that's all anyone can ask of me [ __ ] is that it's nothing it's just a song I made up but it sounds like something that they'd have you singing Jesus Christ Aaron I never sang a single song about self-worth and value maybe that's why I [ __ ] grew up a self-hating bastard really yes what about in Hebrew school in the ear like I am a Jew one of the chosen few I am a Jew one of the few no Aaron seriously I'm gonna strangle you give me a break man I'm under emotional stress here I didn't grow up with Jewish self love songs and you [ __ ] did so maybe that's the difference between you and me I'm barely even Jewish anymore maybe you [ __ ] are so confident and cool because you got cuz you grew up with songs singing to yourself about how you're a chosen few and you're [ __ ] special you know what songs I grew up with I think everyone's special I don't think Jews are special we got the Brachiosaurus and the brontosaurus and the cephalus stars said the taglio Sora said that's the songs I grew up singing something they wanted to teach us about dinosaurs and half that is incorrect now if something sounds awesome I know but it wasn't about self-worth was it it was about how cool dinosaurs are yeah so I would go home and I'd play with my Jurassic pork toys and I'd be like your shows are done I don't feel like this is cool and then I'd shed a tear because I didn't love myself the end yeah when I grow up I'm gonna be a dinosaur so there you go yep

Channel: GameGrumps

Views: 670,389

Keywords: lets play, walkthrough, gameplay, egoraptor, danny, game grumps, gamegrumps, funny, arin, letsplay, gaming

Id: eH2w3mZO2ZY

Length: 35min 10sec (2110 seconds)

Published: Fri Nov 22 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/iRadinVerse]

Petition for Dan to write an autobiography and call it "Jew Jew's Bizarre Adventure!"

[u/Wefee11]

He kind of stopped making these jokes and telling these kind of stories, right?

edit: nvm, some of them were quite recent.

[u/GigaBowserNS]

Alef Bet Vet...