Game Grumps: Childhood Stories

so there was this one time where so there was this like commercial on television that was like wooden roaches to a fifth-grader and then it was like a roach you know like a little cockroach right and then it was like would roaches to his seventh grader and then it was like a marijuana joint whoa and then it was like would your kid know about things and so my BOB one day she like pulled me aside and she was like Aaron what is a roach oh my god and I was like a bug yeah she was like okay and you know I had never seen that commercial so like I had I actually didn't know that like right a marijuana but was a roach I was like she was like implicating me in something that like wasn't even in my realm of understand it's so funny when parents do that like do you I don't know when they stop doing these but do you remember the it's 10 p.m. do you know where your children are things I remember that slogan but I don't yeah just every night at 10:00 on the dot like channels used to run that ad like it's 10 p.m. do you know where your children are and like I I would always I mean I was like a [ __ ] nerdy kid that didn't go out and so like I'd be sitting right next to my parents and my dad would look at me like I've got a good kid and I'd be I'd be thinking to myself like I'm a [ __ ] loser he's a good kid that one he's alright I like him my dad my dad used to go to my groups of friends and be like you know I don't like you you just say that to my friends like it's a joke and I remember my friend Mark he used to say like you know mark I don't like you but of all of Dan's friends I don't like you the least [Laughter] oh that's awesome that's my dad's version - dad humor I'd like you to leave meanwhile he's like permanently scarred for life yeah lit yeah my friends are like I already do it my own dad's love to earn yours and then somehow it's like more important oh we totally yeah I always hated it when like my friend's parents didn't like me oh yeah it's a terrible feeling because you think when you're a kid you think adults like just automatically like their opinions matter more yeah because they're adults and they know what how the world works and all that and then you become an adult and you're like thoughts are just [ __ ] [ __ ] kids that got bigger like not a big deal yeah but it's interesting funny story about this game okay my dad found it in the middle of an intersection in Florida what yeah it has like rattle leaves inside of it are you [ __ ] serious yeah that's it like when you when you pick it up and shake it it's like yeah it's a [ __ ] street game and it totally works I used to play it all the time that's crazy yeah Wow can't believe your dad found this on the street did he run into the street to get it probably all right so I'm like you know what you just reminded me of that I haven't thought of in a long time what my dad once risked his life to get me a giant's hat really yeah I had this giant I bury it I'll try to find you a picture of me at whatever age in that giant's hat I had to be like 10 years old but like I had this I had this hat that I [ __ ] loved so much and I stuck my head stupidly out the window while we were driving on the interstate and of course the Hat flies off and I'm immediately like in this world that I loved so I start crying and my dad pulled the car over and got out and ran into the middle of the [ __ ] interstate with cars going like 90 miles an hour all around him to get my hat man what a badass [ __ ] badass dude what a - nice I love that guy Bobby the best and he was like maybe the traffic could stop well did you have like enormous misconceptions about how sex was done oh yeah oh yeah like I just remember we had we had sex had like twice in my school once was in like first grade when we were way too young to process any of it and the second time was in like senior year of high school where like most people had had sex 20 times that week but like I remember the first grade one and like they're like okay so today we're gonna talk about sex and they're like do you have any questions off the bat and I just remember this kid Adam was like yes so I know that in order to have sex you pee on the girl but where do you Pig I mean while I was like yeah where do you paint I got it no can we try it because I got a pee what what was your uh what was your misconception do you remember somebody told me that like having sex was like rolling around right with a girl right just like on the ground and that's that's it that's all that happens yeah that was the end I mean it can start that way when you get to the bottom it's just like ah I guess that was the end for me did you have happy Hannukah was in your kid do you mean like like Hanukkah Harry as in like a mascot or just how I just mean like like Happy Hanukkah is in general cuz it was always kind of like that was the one thing that like we understood about religion when we were kids like you have Chanukah ooh yeah this is better I spit all over you it's fine just I don't know why sorry I spit all of your religion spit all over your face no it's um it was fine it was like because I mean ultimately the cool thing about those holidays is hanging out with your family anyway so like I'm glad that you have that outlook like not a lot of people do yeah maybe you're right but like so my my memory would just be like lighting the the Chanukah candles with my mom and dad and my sister and my dog and my dad singing Hebrew songs while the rest of us pretended to know Hebrew [ __ ] how does it go it's like MA - yes you Artie and then like the rat he would keep going on and the rest of us would be like and then you get to the part that you know really well like he's phasing it out we had an au pair when I was a little kid do you know what that is no I don't know the exact definition but it's lighter in the shape of a no-no au-pair like a you pai are I think it's like a like a French pair something like that what know if it's exactly I don't know if this is the right definition but like it was like a 20 year old girl that like lived with us like sort of as an exchange student and just like stayed and lived with my family for a little bit she mooched and she was from Holland she was [ __ ] awesome eat all your food named Lise and she was staying with another woman who was like mistreating her and being like a [ __ ] and we were like hey Lise how you doing and she was like like the sweetest saddest thing so we took her in and she became our au pair and I I was like eight at the time and I was super huge crush on her oh yeah but you she was like a beautiful blonde girl that was like 22 and I'm eight and I'm just like haha this is a bread I have yet to taste and she's probably like really nice to you super nice and like like made you snacks and [ __ ] like yeah we're still friends today yeah it's incredible she's a mom now wait wait so she like she's like fifty now yeah I should be like in her mid to late 40s wow dude no well that's cool all I remember legacy yeah one thing I do remember about like meeting her was that like you know when you're like a kid and you like someone and you don't even know what to do so you just like [ __ ] throw your body like in a crazy way like I remember meeting her for the first time and it was like a snowy day in New Jersey uh-huh and my mom was like Dan this is lease and I was like I just like ran and took a flying leap into the snow like face-planted cuz I just had no I didn't know what to do I just freaked out I was like you're too pretty you're saying yeah it's like you just want some reason to impress her yeah but you have no idea how to impress someone like that so you're just like I'll just call attention to myself in any way yeah I've done that before I had a crush on a couple girls it's like that Eddie Izzard skit where I mean I'll butcher this because I haven't heard it in like ten years but he's talking about like the difference with guys like young boys like when they meet a girl they like and he's like in my head I'm like good day Susan I couldn't help noticing the way the sunlight plays off your hair and your oceanic hazel eyes and I just want you to know that I fancy you you know but meanwhile you when you actually meet her you're like hi Sue do you like bread so [ __ ] true yes yeah yeah that's right yeah there's a ton of girls I remember I remember there's one girl who my brother did baseball and one of his teammates sisters was like my age she was real cute little [ __ ] Legos a lead or something sure and I would see her on the playground and like I was just like she's so cute I want to make her mind make her my and and then we were playing tag we were playing tag and she she tagged me and I just like stopped dead in my tracks it was just like human contact from a hot girl I mean the [ __ ] eight-year-old equivalent of hot girl she was just like oh dude it doesn't matte like she's pretty I guess yeah they eight-year-old equivalent is the hottest equivalent ever because like oh like set your standard for the rest of your days yeah and you're just like when you're a kid you have no reality to go on with like romance and stuff so it's all fantasy you know and that kind of makes it more like intense in a weird way hmm never thought about that yeah you really do have nothing to call her where has your older you have like a crippling sense of like a shame there is no love without pain [Laughter] why would I fancy this woman when I know it'll just end I fancy I actually did go to New York since the last time you saw me oh yeah yeah when saw my family man I hung out with my mom and my dad and we my mom actually told me some sweet stories about my dad that I didn't know oh yeah like the way he took me for a drive my sister and I when we were kids to the to the Salton Sea and I my mom was like that water doesn't look safe he's like no it's fine it's fine and like my sister and I are swimming around and like a year later they find out that it was like a toxic waste dump like a chemical spill what yeah yeah that's my dad well you were okay right I'm fine you didn't grow a third leg no I mean my thumbs are weird but I think they were always like that yeah pretty pretty pretty good right another another classic avi moment fine I've been around horses my whole life [ __ ] dude yeah I always forget that you're like a [ __ ] podunk hick from the backwoods of flour yep no it's totally true that is funny yeah like yeah you you you grew up like in a rural Florida environment and I grew up in the [ __ ] suburbs of New Jersey and some 10 years earlier I mean that's that's that's only partially true like the I don't know where the [ __ ] this letter is so [ __ ] it really yeah cool five minutes of my life I'm not getting that the weird thing about my childhood is that it was like it was trapped between two worlds right like we lived just outside of this Oracle Acts dimension no the Z blocks today it's trapped between two worlds I grew up and I was like I lived in this like backwoods town that was like across the street from a really nice suburb okay so I went to these like nice schools and had like sort of these you know I had a lot of friends that like they had like nice houses and and like all of the systems and stuff right and then I just like had nothing and it was so bizarre to like live and people hated coming over to my house because they had to like open the rickety gate to like get inside on the dirt road and they have to wash their cars every time they came to my house right but they were my friends so they would do it for me it's funny man it's weird like do you miss it what living out in the middle of nowhere yeah just just your home like the place where you go out and [ __ ] no no I mean I miss my parents right but no not Florida of Florida sucks that's Wow interesting cuz I would be fine never going back there again Wow yeah I really loved the place where I grew up I'm trying to look for this turtle shell but I Love New Jersey man it gets such a bad rap because most people only see the Turnpike which is a disgusting stanky mess but there's a lot of like beautiful forests and waterfalls and stuff in the wilds of Jersey really oh oh yeah and and it's weird too because like I I went to school in Boston and then I immediately moved to New York and Philadelphia and all sorts of different places and like since I honestly since I left home at like 17 or 18 like I've never had a place that I felt like I was home you know yeah and and it's weird cuz you go back to those places and they don't feel like home anymore but yes you know so much has changed but that was what was so cool cuz this past year I started going to Oregon a lot and even that like I mean because our CD manufacturer CD Baby is up there and we're signing those C's like actually F tonight I'm going after we finished these episodes I'm getting on a flight and going back up there yeah talking about that [ __ ] busy life yeah episode it's crazy it's crazy but like but that's the thing like Oregon for whatever reason like gave me that feeling for the first time in like what 20 years of like actually being home you know and it's just it's such an awesome like thing when you find it of course I can't live there right now but like it's it's just cool to like know that you can find that in other places yeah totally my friend's house after school one day and he had this he was like the Richard kid in the neighborhood know like all I was gonna say at the end of that story was a station I played this edit house and I couldn't sleep that night because I was so excited that Nintendo existed it really was like a moment of like oh my [ __ ] god this isn't me and then tomorrow I can play it more yep and then the day after that I can keep playing it yeah it cuz um that's how I get when I'm like ah nice oh you can't pick him up and carry him no note on this one and I remembered something just now when I'm when I'm medicated on my my a DB medicine your aunty dur dur hey want to hear a funny a funny story from last night from childhood well there are plenty of those which were you were telling me which I'm sure you cannot repeat on this show what OH note to self what the one where I'd jerked off four feet from a friend's face Wow okay I guess you can't tell that story yeah why don't you tell that story I want to oh well all right well you're just gonna [ __ ] [ __ ] tease everybody like that boy because throwing out that one nugget of incredible information if I tell that story on the show which by the way I think I may have already really but I do not recall if I if I tell that story on the show it's really obvious what friend it is oh and then he's gonna know and I don't know if I want him to know maybe he knew this whole time well the only reason you know about this story is because there were similar stories being told by members of the office oh dear nowhere near is weird as mine no we were all sharing like some embarrassing yeah like childhood stories yeah I was like oh yeah I jerked off four feet from my friends face yeah and it was like I heard the screeching car sound like everything comes to a grunt you've literally walked in like as I said that yes I did the story was ending and I was like yes so I jerked off four feet from my friends face what I'm sorry can I can we take a stab at the wayback machine but it's it's I had a friend I stayed over at his house a lot he his room was was large and so whenever I slept over they would bring a cot in for me to sleep on right and his face large because that's the only way you could know it was just it was very close okay and I was a growing boy yeah I was just hitting the the adolescence the puberty and I just I just couldn't I was like I have to jerk off and he was already asleep so I jerked off in the cot and I didn't think it was a big deal I was like whatever I'll clean my underwear in the morning or something didn't think it was a big deal no all right yeah I was a [ __ ] kid I was I just wanted to get I just wanted juice yeah yeah you know what iron we all have that feeling but sometimes you gotta be a pick and choose your spots I know but I just I don't know I just had to it was a tiny child okay I'm not like that anymore yeah because I sleep over but so yeah it's right sorry i jo I went to sleep I woke up and I realized like the sheets were white oh no there was just a giant [ __ ] like many stain on the the sheets and the sheets above it just all around my crotchal area yes clearly not a pee stain yeah clearly a jism stain and that was just like what do I do I like I don't I don't know how to do laundry I don't like I don't know what to do with this yeah so I just left it okay the thought of like well well his parents are gonna see this you just be like he just in the bed oh did the inside she with with his little boy jizz Wow all right yeah so that was that's my that's my and he was in my friend was just sleeping very close and that was the whole time I was like oh god I hope he's not awake my I mean it was there's a quiet room and it was you know if you were awake you would just hear like we don't want you we don't want Aaron to stay over anymore no I was many times after that really [ __ ] maybe actually I don't even know was that the last time yeah well ah dude did you bring it your your sleepover career to an abrupt halt well I don't want to count of that jasm I don't want to because even then is like it's like it's a little vague who it is there is a detail that's also sort of important I don't want to share cuz it totally it totally betrays who it is okay a hundred percent I just on his name tag yeah something about the house family member okay he had a really hot sister no okay really hot mom yep yeah let's get you out of us making [ __ ] up now yeah I was gonna say by the way of course if I just thought it was funny that's just a plot from Grandma's Boy well because I said no yeah and then to say no again in my mind I was like oh this is gonna sound like I'm saying yes but then we're not saying anything made me sound like yes Oh Lara Croft action figure he's so hot hello hello welcome back Aaron has decided to divulge the factoids which will clearly give away which friends like nobody's gonna [ __ ] know who this guy is oh yeah of course but so he's the the thing that was funny about it it sort of covers my ass a little bit is that his he's gonna be like Oh his dad was a urologist oh okay so the two things about that a like nocturnal emissions are a thing right by the way if this is your first episode joining in I told the story about my friend's bed it's like Mario maker 149 my friend dad's a urologist and I showed him my dick right okay so anyway you shoot him your dick well that was the second part what sleepovers worthy so I had a I had a goddamn [ __ ] just start running you stupid monty mall piece of [ __ ] so he he uh it's I I had a I had a I had what I thought was a warts on my on my genitalia yes and I was worried about it because they say check for lumps not so worried that you stopped jerking off and it was a very pronounced let this is a separate story oh well excuse me it was but it was very days later it was very pronounced and so I [ __ ] I knew I knew his profession so I asked him privately I was like hey I've got this thing on my wiener I'm a kid I can't afford to go to the doctor likes a wiener can you help me no I said like it's on my penis I said well that's the thing is I'm not I wasn't [ __ ] shy at that time because the D Club existed oh of course you know the D Club if this is your first episode of Gabe's was the club where Aaron and his friends in high school would get together show their dicks helicopter their dicks around and it's been confirmed by Aaron's wife Suzy was sitting at the time so anyway so it was just funny because like when I told him that he was very like do you want to do you need a minute do you want to go in the other room and sit and I was like no and I just like pulled down my pants and oh okay so I was not I was not at all [ __ ] shy because of the D Club and it was a very good benefit and then he checked me out and he was like no it's it's a it's called a sebaceous cyst oh yeah yeah you can get those pretty much anywhere yeah and he was like it's not harmful and I could actually cut it out if you wanted and I was like no oh yeah he's like I could just make a little incision and take it right out and I was like yeah I've got all my stuff in the kitchen I what a helpful neighbor lead I don't know I don't want my don't want my dick to bleed all over here yeah yeah I only like to jizz in your house I don't like to actually have other fluid crap yeah well that friend is like oh my god [ __ ] watch gamegrumps is probably not on my friends care or watching yeah only person that watch this game it was my brother and my mom no that's cool well I'm sure they're happy with these stories too no yeah oh man sorry mom yeah that's a doozy don't you love like I loved it the most when I was a kid and not before I moved to California where there is no [ __ ] snow but like don't you love like big fat snowflakes that like are like fully formed crystals that like fall from the sky you like catch one in your tongue did you ever have that you went from Florida to [ __ ] California gonna say I know exactly what you're talking about then have you never lived in a snowy place no well I lived in New Hampshire when I was very young that's pretty snowy but it was I was so young that I don't really remember oh man all I remember is that I stepped on my dog and my parents got really mad at me because he was like sleeping under a table and I didn't know he was there this is a different place than I thought this that bones my dog and he went like what he was kind of an [ __ ] so I didn't feel so bad I guess that's why I felt more bad that's because I didn't feel bad that I stepped on this [ __ ] dog Wow pretty harsh by Patrick he's like whatever the [ __ ] you were saying look at this beaker looking [ __ ] it's like a penis that's been cut down this Oh Erin that's the worst thing you could have said with tiny eyes yeesh oh man did did your debt did you ever play Little League baseball or anything like that yeah was your dad like the one I'm no he would have been me he's too cool it does really quiet there's always the one dad who's like come on get your [ __ ] together Maya I don't know if I ever told you this before but like I was not I was not a sportsman growing up not a very athletic kid it's a mind-blowing [ __ ] yes so I was in Little League I played Little League baseball and I played in the outfield which is where you play when you have no [ __ ] talent yeah and you didn't you throw like a girl and you just stand around always yeah actually yeah so they put me in the outfield actually I threw worse than a girl there were plenty of girls on our team who threw amazingly well much better than I did and so like my dad has like home video of like its it goes to me in the outfield and I'm just standing around because no kid is strong enough to hit like the baseball bat fall yeah so you just stand there the whole game and and then he like brings the camera back to back to like the pitcher in the action and then after the pitch he goes back to me and I'm like on my knees making dirt castles in the [ __ ] ground and you can hear my dad turn to my mom like I don't think Dan is going to be an athlete my question was have you ever been caught jacking off no no my meaning my dad walked in of me watching lesbian porn which I never watch really I would it was just like I just thought happenstance where it was like that girl's hot and that girls yeah what cool so I just like was watching I didn't even have like I wasn't even like like my pants weren't unzipped or anything I just was like watching it just cuz I was curious yes my dad walked in it was like alright it's natural it's like oh you've just made this a thousand times more awkward than it would have been but for some reason like I was such a puss back then but like for some reason that was the thing that made me like man up and I was just like I got a I got to talk to my dad about this I got it like so like immediately afterwards I like got up and went to the office and I was like dad tell me about sexist this is you know it's it's really weird for me to like I don't know I don't know and he was like dude I don't even care just stop talking yeah I was like all right cool yeah that was that yeah your dad's cool this [ __ ] my dad my dad's awesome but like he's he's from Israel and he always is like dad like he has these he there were just certain things that he didn't feel super comfortable talking about and sex was definitely one of them and so like the talk the quote-unquote talk for us was we used to go we used to take these Christmas trips down to Atlantic City because you know Jews get really bored on Christmas so is it a tradition to like go to Chinese food yeah yeah cuz yeah the Chinese also don't celebrate Christmas so like Jews go get Chinese food and like we go down Atlanta let's say in fact oh so my dad and I would go to Atlantic City and like it would just be Jews and Chinese people so like the [ __ ] the the buffets in the restaurants will be would be all like pork fried rice and common Taschen and so like we thank God that God the beeping can stop so we we were driving down and my dad like what the whole time we would drive down Atlantic City we would just listen to music like there was no talking just you know cuz it was a nice ride we could chill out but there was one time and I'm like 17 at this point so like this the sex talk was not an issue it was like nothing I didn't already know and my dad just like turns the music down which he never did and I was like oh what's happening it was like done do you know about a sex I was like yeah yeah I know it was like okay and then I heard the [ __ ] music went back on and we never thought that was my how to be a man talk cool before I smoked weed when I was a little kid like the code for do you smoke weed in in my neighborhood and probably other neighborhoods too was are you cool isn't he cool it's like hey men are you cool I say yeah super cool yeah I'm ultra mega cool when mom says I'm cool are those trucks is that Mary Jane man we had no idea we were such a nerdy bunch of like Dungeons and Dragons playing kids and like I remember my friend's first day of college like someone asked him if he had a bowl like from the next [ __ ] room over any wet and grad Tupperware oh good job Chris you know that yeah so when I was when I was seven I was singing at night now yeah the edited album version yes it's like Sam like while the devil wants to [ __ ] me in the back of his car yeah I'm like I'm like my grandma's walking in the other room I just I remember I remember it was like there was this one moment where like we were listening to the edited version of it that was like wow you like an enema oh yeah and then I can album and then like I guess my parents were like reaching because they were like they were like what do you think that word they left that was and I was like se f-word and they were like how do you know that and I was like it's the only one that makes sense content contextually yeah and they were like oh god yeah kids are smart man it's the funny I learned to curse from my dad because I'm actually like a huge football fan like people always think I'm like Ross and everything is just like sport ball like yeah but like I [ __ ] love football and my earliest memories when I was like 4 is of watching the Giants games the New York Giants games with my dad and so like I love that team but like they were also terrible when I was a really young kid so my dad would like get pissed and he tried not to curse you try to catch himself so like the Giants would blow it and you'd be like oh that curve eyes do this this is like my stuff my dad would always do we had this um we had this like a laundry basketball hoop a hunter in our in our room so like you throw away laundry you throw in the basketball very effective so he would like he would always run into it in the dark cuz it like jut it out from the door right so he would like put us together and he put us to bed and he'd be like night boys see you tomorrow and then you're like 'i like softly walks out you just you're like [Laughter] great prop balls oh great there was a fly there was like a little fruit fly once when I was a kid and like it was kind of like on my like desk then it flew onto the floor I was just like on the floor looking at it I was like a little fruit fly and then my dad came in he was like hi bad and he like stepped on it and killed it accidentally did you know I cried like [ __ ] crazy over a fruit fly oh yeah yeah so that's that's the degree to which I could not deal with animals getting hurt yeah I had a little roach in my in my bathroom named spooky his name is Charles roaches are cuter if you name them like I had one in my apartment in Philly and it was huge and I like we just came to an understanding but I wasn't gonna deal with it and it was just gonna live on the wall and it wasn't in my apartment it was like outside the door in the hallway and I named it Kevin no and after I name to Kevin like we got along a lot better no like I got shamed into never stealing anything like at like four years old because um my I was in an airport and I wanted to buy this like grape flavoured chapstick yeah so there was just this chapstick in an airport that I've totally wanted and my mom was like now we're not getting that for whatever reason and I was like I so I just stole it and then like pretended to find it like underneath the chair like later at a different airport I was like wow here's that thing I wanted that's weird and my mom is just like I mean she was cool about it but she she just like was very unimpressed like in the way parents get when they know they want like when they want you to know that they're unhappy with you oh yeah like I'm not gonna say it out loud but you know you [ __ ] up and I never stole anything after that Wow yeah just just the guilt alone makes you Jewish guilt and that'll squash a career in criminality fast and you possibly imagine which powerful would she just like just give you the eye for the rest of the day or something okay I hope you enjoy that Chester that's funny it's funny how effective that is too because like ah I could make you would think that there would be some scenarios where that would backfire and say I did earn it you know like when your parents are mad at you you can at least be mad back but when your parents are disappointed in you oh yeah it's so much deeper yeah I think it's what I was always afraid of as a kid just getting being disappointed yeah yeah when I have kids dude I'm gonna be disappointed in them 24/7 shoulda said it like that I guarantee ya just everyday they're like put a lot of time and effort and love into it put it up fridge again I've told you I don't have like actively working sweat glands right yes okay I do remember that doesn't make it any less weird now ya know it's like hi will are practically a freak and they do work I just have like malfunctioning sweat glands so I I really don't sweat unless I'm super super crazy crazy hot and then like even then I just I just glow I glow a little glisten yeah so what actually happens is I have [ __ ] heat strokes and I almost die oh my god yeah the first time it happened was when I was a little kid and my dad we were walking through Hershey Park together and it was like a blazing hot day and so like everybody's sweating except for me but my body temperature is like 105 degrees or whatever so it and like fever temperatures yeah but I like I was always one of those kids that like I never wanted to bother anyone so if like something was bothering me I just like hold it in yeah oh you mean and so finally I was like oh oh feels so good and my dad was like we drove hours to get here you're fine like not in a mean way but just in the lake whoops he didn't know he was killing me and and everything went white it was the spookiest thing like I lost my vision completely well yeah it was like it was what like people described in like early forms of epilepsy when they don't like actually have a seizure but they lose like vision and then like I just started shivering and we went back to the we went back to the hotel and I got like an insane fever of like a hundred whatever is very dangerous like 103 140 is something like that and like my mom was super scared it was just a good family trip to her she's a good time great yeah but I survived and my dad much like he always did whenever he had a parenting snafu took me four pancakes and always well always good my vision returned oh yeah didn't you say you have like a like a PTSD with pancakes no no it's whatever the opposite of post-traumatic stress disorder would be it's like a cure-all when you get pancakes you're like yeah all the things that bothered me even my like deep existential fears are soothed by this boysenberry shortstack damn candy pool get in the party going get in the party got you suck get the party going help out [ __ ] that guy right I'm a little [ __ ] surprised all right all right go back yeah dude [ __ ] you you think I'm just gonna walk away from that [ __ ] the kiddie pool and I just have my head down like it oh because the kiddie pool is good enough for me ah dude that's that's a funny thing that's the thing I like the most about being an adult I remember I was on like some kind of like slide thing when I was kid and like there were older like high school kids going and the the dude running the amusement park was like sorry son you're too small to be on this and like one of the douchey like older kids was like yeah get the kids out of here and like the older girls were like kind of giggling and I was like I felt like super like hot and a shame oh yeah like really a masculine yeah and I just like remember putting my head down and walking away like oh but the cool thing about being an adult is like now I would turn to that guy I'm doing you know what about that the girls would still be giggling yeah totally that's that's what it is man people always reminisce about like how great it was to be a kid but being kid is [ __ ] hard sometimes yeah not fun and you get dragged a lot of places you don't want to go you're like oh like all the [ __ ] time yeah thanks oh I don't know yeah get the kids out of here maybe get the kids head oh god I can still go back to that place emotionally and remember how bad I do I've told this story before but okay that much fuch maybe maybe the yellow is a compromise yes turning the moment that that is for me is that I went there was a ice cream truck guy okay and I like took change out of whatever jar was in the house to get some ice cream yep and I paid with looking a Canadian quarter right so it's like a rich look exactly like regular yeah exactly the same size I just like grabbed it based on size right and then he was like I you do you know what this is like he was being a real jerk about it I was like you see this and I was like what is that and it was like do see this it's do you see what this says over great read this to me oh my yeah yeah it was like oh it says Canada you like yeah yeah this does not work over a [ __ ] quarter yeah what a dick and he was like I give us two anyway but don't do this again I was like [ __ ] you go die yeah you know there's a kid of like yeah shine [ __ ] yellow bloops right that's the way to go see and and now like all these years later that story gave you the power to succeed you had Super Mario Sunshine gonna skip [ __ ] this kid this guy's [ __ ] representing vegan but he just drowned standing up but that dude who sold you the ice cream I bet he went home and got beaten by his wife I bet he's that type of guy he was just that's why I was taking it out on kids oh yeah like his life sucks I have not Wow I just realized it no one's read me a story in like I don't know 25 years never heard an audiobook no mom dude but like it's the best it just it just made me sad I was like my mom used to read me stories all the time read you a story dude my mom used to read me this one story that like I memorized and one night I was like let me tell it to you use like what and I like sprouted the whole thing word-for-word she's like I think I need to buy you new books if we ever take a really long road trip and you're driving I'll [ __ ] read you a book that'd be wonderful I still I I don't remember what the hell the book was about or anything I just remember it started like tucked snugly beneath the forest leaves or something something like that I still remember the first [ __ ] like I remember the first four words of my bar mitzvah thing that I had to like sing oh god it's not gonna sound good with this song but it's like it's about that's all I remember really and but I mean like my my Torah passage like they you know what the Torah is right yeah that's like the Jewish Bible yeah more or less yeah it's these sacred Scrolls basically it's the Torah written on scrolls and like they're very protected and like they put coverings over them and they'll have like a silver like crown on certain ones of them and they're all different crowns and their butt and they're behind a curtain too so when I would go to Temple is a little kid the curtain would be closed all the time and they pull the curtain back and you'd see them and it was like that I remember like the first time and I'm not a religious person but like I remember like seeing them as a kid and being like wow like like reverence you know like they just look like really important so they're like somewhere Oh every every temple has a Torah yeah it's like it's it's it's essentially the Hebrew Bible but like written by hand by rabbis like and blessed you know like it's super sacred and in medieval times it would take like your life was like transcribing that [ __ ] yeah so it was intense that's some [ __ ] like fantasy [ __ ] it's very interesting man like it's it's an old old religion it's I think it I think it's the first monotheistic religion maybe not it's one of the first certainly so what a Bar Mitzvah is is that's the rite of passage when you're 13 and you have to memorize basically and read and sing in the certain way a passage from the Torah and it's just like I don't know what the selection process is Oh Oh anyway I'll just finish that super fast like the the part of the Torah that I had to read was like the second longest that you can be assigned so I like I just had to study it with my mom for like months and months and months and I had to do it in Israel too yeah in front of like all these like super elderly Jewish guys that like were like old school Israeli and they like you could hear like the murmurs when like they found out like that a kid from America who didn't speak Hebrew was gonna be doing it and like it it was really cool cuz I did it I did it well and my my granddad on my Israeli side who I never really knew that well like that was the one time I he was really really proud of me yeah he was like he was very moved you could say because he was like a Holocaust survivor so to like see his grandson from another part of the world like maintain the traditions that he almost died for you know like it was a big deal for him I know this got heavier than I meant it to but like I [Music] don't even know where I was going with it oh yeah yeah that's what it was it was just that like after it was over I like almost fainted like walking out of the temple cuz I was like I didn't realize it but I was so nervous and like I guess I was too nervous to eat and everything and as soon as over like my body just like shut down yeah it was crazy it was a crazy experience but you only got to do that [ __ ] once whoops Oh mr. Martin that's kind of how I felt when I danced in front of Joey Fatone yeah the sacred Rite of traditional Jewish passage and dancing for Joey fatone's probably about the same a game a game a game again me yeah does he really say that oh yeah dude oh my god I used to have he's just provide a bit I used to have I said the CD single of that song back in 1991 was it was the EP no no just just the just the sing yeah just the song in the b-side and it was the b-side I can't you think I [ __ ] the light from the highway oh no no it was seated it was CDI because my dad it used to mine like had a scratch in it and it used to skip like right at that gimmi gimmi thing so be like Oh long gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme gimme and it like made me laugh so much and my dad would get so pissed he's like God never get to the yeah man I feel like I've never actually had like heard that song really it was everywhere God at a certain time in history I don't think I was alive yeah Herk that cognizance might have been the case what was your dad's joke about like Oh about uh like like something was read here's like your ass oh yeah whenever I was like a red car he's like your bucks gonna be right in a minute it's like why did I say something you had her now you just gave me a window of opportunity see you never my dad neither he hid my hey my brother once and it was just like I know never again oh that's what happened with my dad my sister like he didn't actually hit her he just like gave her like a spank and she was like I'm sorry I told that story yeah no of course not I don't know maybe your dad was like vicious no way he's a gentle lamb but like I guess she was just being like super overdramatic my but I didn't actually use the word tushy which is the best the best of all but monikers tuchus is bleeding my tuchus we never said took us although we are a very Jewish family oh yeah well I mean not stereotypically Jewish but we're all Jews did you kept up did you have hardcore chin you kids we're a big ol bunch of Jews no you know what are you know what a Chanukah was it was a putting down some tinfoil on the stove putting down the menorah lighting eight candles and singing with my dad that was it I had a diet a ton of goldfish growing up as a kid and you just you would just see them just all the time there was so so gross stringy fish stuff oh my god my my first fish Sarah she we had it for like three years and I got absurdly long time for a goldfish and I was super sad when she died so my I asked if my mom could drive me down to the pond in the middle of town so I could like let her go and so like we put we put the dead fish in the doggie bag and went down to the [ __ ] pond and I'm at the corner of the you know I'm at the edge of the pond trying to dump out the fish but like all the water part is like dead stuck to the edge of the bed so like shaking it while my mom is like laughing oh I didn't know she was laughing until years later she told me that's really funny yeah she played it really cool at the time she was like is everything ok there is everything yeah okay she [ __ ] time has fish after that they just got flushed down the toilet bro yeah I'm sure yeah couldn't put you through that heartache again no yeah I mean or they just got [ __ ] killed like we had we had from one fish we called the Terminator that like devoured five of our other fish was it was it princess shark like a great white shark stuffed into a bowl on my parents kitchen counter Terminator it's like unhinging its jaws like yeah that's great that's pretty good pretty wonderful pretty wonderful times and I had a fish once right yeah it died they do that hey I mean like that is like their favorite hobby I've never been so happy in my life go [ __ ] [ __ ] the day I was born now no my first kiss nah no not even close my first ejaculatory fluid nah oh no it hurt man your first yeah dude I [ __ ] hurt really yeah I was in pain what yeah I was jacking it in the shower strangely sacrilegious to talk about shower jacking but with this arch I could see a rainbow alright then tell me the jackoff story I don't know I was jacking my wiener right in the shower and it hurt why'd you think I might have been it too rough yeah probably clean you do get [ __ ] way into it when when you're young I didn't know how to do it though what do you mean know was that I wasn't doing it in the proper me you know like the [ __ ] Lake Oh actually I did below say I was wrong too for a while early yeah yeah alright would you care to divulge a how you get your we what yeah I like like you know when you rub your hands together as if to create friction yeah yeah that's what I did around I sorted this there was wrong though it wasn't the right way and then and then when I figured out the right way to do it I was like oh my god has anyone else figured this out I should write a book the world must know beer book meanwhile most monkeys in zoos figured out by the time they're two I am over here I grabbed it and did like Indian burns oh we still like a fire hose oh that's terrible yeah okay you ready you ready for a super personal question okay did you ever injure your neck trying to suck your own dick no but that doesn't mean I didn't try yeah I [ __ ] had one day in High School where I wore a neck brace oh I did man I did it was the first time cuz when you're an adult like your shoulders in your neck hurt all the time and you just get used to it but like the first time I ever like genuinely hurt my neck was [ __ ] trying to make that magic happen and I'm there in like just trigonometry class just thinking to myself like god dammit I'm so stupid I'll never try that again I tried two weeks later you're so [ __ ] tantalizingly close I have no usually it's the rib cage that hurts oh that's probably true too like if it if you eliminated your ribs you'll be like every guy must try that at one point in their life yeah okay good good of course makes me feel better because some of my friends were like that's good that's totally good you're a dick-sucker and I'm like yeah well it's not gay give yourself a hand job literally everyday everyday we all do and do like look at it and admire it someday just like yeah looking good dick same as usual I get fatter you stay the same oh the only thing I wanted to say before was I reminded myself of a story of when I was like maybe three years old or four years old my parents took me to the Qumran caves in Israel which were these really really like thousands of year old caves where I think like the Dead Sea scrolls were found but I mean well super [ __ ] old and we were like admiring him from a distance it was the first time I'd ever been to Israel and I turned to my dad he was like all right these caves amazing and I was like yeah I them I made I made the caves he was like did you whoa wow really I'm so proud of my son yeah I was like I did I made those really yeah of course we're trying to take credit for the [ __ ] cave rip in there for like using the beard whom run caves yes yep four year old and Adam Wow nice work you're welcome every wish face dude now we will we will we be able to trace it back yeah exactly yeah Wikipedia wouldn't lie except for that one time when I told that story on grumps that I told my parents I dug the Qumran caves in Israel and someone changed the Qumran caves Wikipedia article the cities [Laughter] and I saw the ice-cream captain showed it to my dad who died he's [ __ ] loves it however you should not do graffiti on Wikipedia that's not cool but that one instance made me laugh very very hard it's all about the history of how they found the Dead Sea Scrolls in there like important they were in the development of human nature and people in general like these were dug by Dan Avedon like you're welcome when I was four I remember looking up the Wikipedia for Dane Cook and it was like an unfunny Gaylord this is not real yeah it's very real you're keeping a - real Wikipedia rappy - rapid - rapid - oh he is badass yeah holy sprouts a unicorn oh I [ __ ] love it oh snap I hear many people get seasick not me I live here and here's one isn't my little pony okay now it's time to turn off the internet once it gets my little ponies involved do you have do you have any feelings on my little pony just whatever it's a decent show oh yeah I have no feeling one way or another hmm I I remember I had one as a little kid but it wasn't like it wasn't like it what it is now it was a totally different my little pony thing oh yeah yeah it was just a children's show for girls right but it wasn't a phenomenon right exactly there was no such thing as bronies there was that none of that but my sister got one got like the toy a toy for us and I was like I need whatever she has so I walked out with of my little pony myself and I showed it to my friends in the schoolyard the next day and they were like you're an idiot were they like you're the smartest kid on the [ __ ] playground they're like bro I can't hear you how / how awesome my skip it is yeah and then there's the part where he's like oh and you're like whoa this is gayer than I remembered and it's awesome [ __ ] I mean all right I can't do it was for well I didn't my parents I got called a Gaylord on like the in like the the recess area of the school yard long before I had any idea what it meant yeah cuz you were already inducted into the lord of k yeah i was like dude i I am certainly unworthy of a lordship please Tommy Haverford yeah I'm I'm like a gay girl at best that's a gay Admiral did you when I was young my parents really young my parents were talking about like I don't know some personality I'll remember who but they were saying that it was that he was they were like hey I think he might be gay and I was like what does gay mean and then they were like you could see I knew even then as a kid yeah and they were like wow you're way better at this than I am it's and they were like it's it's when you like to kiss boys and I was like oh so mommy's gay yeah that is funny well cuz like I like it adult sexual psychology and child sexual psychology are like night and day you know so like you just don't get it when you're a kid good job boys better watch out sexual psychology oh yeah they're just not I didn't mean to distract no it's the craziness of this so yeah you just don't get it like you don't even fully understand what sexes you know like you just have to assume that other people know what they're talking about while you not and now you're good you're good oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god oh god jump okay boy you were just blowing this dude I don't want to hear your [ __ ] sass alright hey Ref get off your knees you blow in the game it was a classic thing that was yelled at my little league games by like the dad what oh yeah oh yeah not my little league basketball games there would always be like the one I think it was a sister of a friend of mine Courtney and she would all cheer always just stand up and yell fat like super funny meanwhile like and I can't play basketball to begin with and now I'm trying to like dribble while I'm laughing it's terrible well that was wait how old were the kids what how old you in seventh grade like 11 12 okay because I I feel like I wouldn't have understood that I didn't know what a [ __ ] was now yeah I wasn't you're lost bro what they're the best 12 I was getting head when I was like 6 from my babysitter I was getting head when I was born cuz I was born with it sweet bro I came out of a vagina I came out to [ __ ] with [ __ ] yo the moment I hit [ __ ] fresh air my dick why don't we get more street cred for that so here's my punch story all right go ahead go ahead go ahead my sister used to hit me all the time when I was a kid is that it yeah no well not all the time but she took a couple swings and like I'd never hit her back and like as we got older it hurt you know the house like [ __ ] I got to do something about this so like she hit me a couple times and then I just like called in my dad and as I avi Dennis hitting me and he was like so hit her back and I that's a all right I just [ __ ] reel back and like punched her in the center of her back like super hard and she started crying and my dad was like not now what do you mean not now yeah like I guess I guess he meant like defend yourself if she attacks you but like don't just take a random swing at her and uh I felt super bad cuz she was crying and I'd never hit anyone again oh yeah that's terrible that's amazing cuz that's like 20 years ago already more 25 years ago and I still remember like how bad I felt oh sure that [ __ ] scars yeah like making your sister cry you're like oh that sucks yeah I agree I would never hit my sister you don't have one well then that settles it well then it's difficult isn't it yeah mmm I remember my sister when we were really young called me a fool one time just like you fool and I was like you sound like an evil genius yeah whoa blow something I swim evil yeah you're probably supposed to direct him somewhere yeah I did that in the last mission what you got angry I'm supposed to go now there's [ __ ] bloopers over here one look at you and I can't disguise I got her ears and then the saxophone comes in just sounds like an old woman making a noise yeah it does it was it was on the Dirty Dancing soundtrack and boy when I was a kid and I would get rides from my friend's mom that was like the one cassette in her car so I got intimately familiar with the Dirty Dancing soundtrack were you one who had hungry eyes yes also I and the time of my life no I've never felt this way before that's awesome yes I swear that's good it's the truth that's really awesome and I owe it all to you stop okay did you ever when you were a kid you ever like make up your own games with friends like like really stupid games yeah like I wonder it sounds like such a [ __ ] old guy thing to say but I wonder if like kids still do that you know just because now they have like the Internet and like so many options for games oh sure like if they just make stupid [ __ ] up well I did it because I played a lot of games oh okay so I was like I wanted everything to be a game I remember so clearly almost I remember I played this one game with my friend Josh we're like this is this is what you did when you were bored in the 80s we had a whoa alright thanks for that really fast story no I was gonna say my friend Josh and I made this game where like he was I was king stego which was short for Stegosaurus no way yeah and he was king iguana which was short for Iguanodon which was his favorite dinosaur huh and then we just threw [ __ ] at each other and whoever hit the [ __ ] the other guy with something got a point and whoever got 20 points first one and got to be the king dinosaur of the house Wow yeah that was like your own little Game of Thrones but like prehistoric we just [ __ ] threw [ __ ] at each other that was the game and it like that I mean that's pretty much what Call of Duty is I guess so I guess so I remember I won I remember I won 2219 that [ __ ] was something almost 30 years ago and I remember it so clearly because it was so meaningful to me at the time dude but you know what that's a--that's a pretty decent game because like you have feedback you know it's like you can't lie well you could cuz like if you got you get pelted it's like owl and it's like that's one point for me right but a lot of times they'd be like the side Pelt where like maybe it hit clothing and like you know count well then you have to come up with what the contingency yeah probably if there's a side hit how when you're six you don't you you know you just lie well something [ __ ] problem Wow Aaron it's not my problem because the game ended a long time ago I believe he's got like children now and a wife well those kids are probably playing at them you're probably right I'm gonna be like yo King and grana I'll call him up out of nowhere he hasn't I haven't spoken to us it's like 1995 yeah yo we playing again yeah do they have a name no I don't think it did throw [ __ ] at each other I think it might've been called King dinos dinos alright so if you you should just call him up and be like yo yo King you wanna yeah whatever okay King dinos the playground tomorrow night he'll just be like oh [ __ ] yeah it'll be like so into it actually no I think judging for his Facebook he'll probably be something more along the lines I um I'm a rabbi now I can't I can't be throwing [ __ ] at you yeah for old times sake he's a man of God give it you know it's like gets you closer to God to feel pain right who told you that my mistress [Laughter] Skadi aus skinnier remember those commercials Oh spaghetti yeah yeah of course do those kind of look like SpaghettiOs that's a classic commercial of the day it is I always think of SpaghettiOs when I my brother I once threw up no it was my brother my brother when I wanted to live up to we had like a like a big big pillow chair or something they had like fur and my brother just like started yakking on it was really young it's a nice story and then I just called my mom and I was like mom mom um and she was like what and I was like needs throwing up like completely unpack and we came over and it looked like he was throwing up Cheerios or SpaghettiOs an amazing story now that's all I think of when I think of SpaghettiOs is his mom cool it's true I'll remember that always I constantly how am I supposed to be doing really no I constantly have dreams about that house about the house that I grew up in really yeah that's interesting I got like I probably had one last week did you ever play waverunner I think that's what it was my waverace 64 maybe that's what it is like yeah I think that's it where you're on like jet skis you feel yeah such a good [ __ ] summertime game oh I love wavers I think that's what made me like my like beach setting yeah whenever there's like a beach setting I'm like oh yeah I know yes it's really good memories fun fact about that game lay it on me my copy of it was stolen what I so learn a fun fact at all it's just a fact when I was a when I was a child wait what's the mission here brother Sam uh someone stole your waverace oh I stole the waverers what yes Oh Oh was that not clear yeah no um so yeah I was like a poor kid growing up so they're you know it's like I had like one video game for the n64 right and then this kid like brought his copy of waivers and and his like backpack was open right and I just [ __ ] ganked it straight up Oh No and then and then he was like showing it off and [ __ ] and then and then like later oh my god such a douche you think I'm sorry I don't want to say your name but I'm sorry right I I like started showing it off to oh yeah I was like check out my copy of my race he was like he was like oh I can't find my copy of waverace like this is that one like it's just like happen to be mine it has my initials on and I was like no no it's totally my copy and he's like Oh so sad no I'm sorry how old are you God that was it was like was it elementary school I think it was this was six days ago and I feel so bad about it now I just yeah did I ever tell the story about how I stole away brace yes I forgot that was waverace yeah yeah you never gave that back I wonder if I ever I gotta get in touch with him oh my god because I I've been I've been you'll do you're like Alcoholics Anonymous apology well I actually have one lined up I just haven't I should do that I should do that today actually oh my god that'd be amazing no it was another thing I traded a kid so I had a friend and I I think I told this story and grumps I am I had a Japanese Ponyta sticker that was a that was a Pokemon card but it was a sticker and it wasn't a real card and I was like this is so rare this is so rare to my friend's little brother and he had that [ __ ] Charizard which is like actually a rare card really and so I was like I usually trade with me because this is a rare card music wow yeah so I traded it with them which was a total [ __ ] snake-in-the-grass move right right I was really young and I wanted a Charizard sure so flash forward to that moment and I I got in touch with that the guy whose brother it was who was hosts friends with he was like yeah you know remember when you did the thing with the charger yeah and I was like oh yeah I do remember that no I feel super bad if I were so an [ __ ] I would never do that ever kids man yeah so I went on eBay and I bought a Charizard oh that's to send to him and be like sorry this is I don't have because I don't have the card he gave me cut dammit now you gotta do the whole thing over [ __ ] yeah speaking of kung-fu Aaron had a great story he told me on the point really a guy across the street first of all let me correct first of all let me correct you on that it's more embarrassing because he would actually like almost a neighborhood away please tell the story because I want to hear I want it to be documented on the Internet dan wouldn't animate it do it go sorry now all right when I was really young I had I knew this martial arts instructor who lived in like a neighborhood right next to mine so I I knew his daughter because his daughter went to the school that I went to so I I would go to their house like all the way to their [ __ ] house and then I would take like a [ __ ] broomstick and I would like I would like act like I knew what I was doing in front of their house like literally on their driveway hoping that they would come out like hoping that one of them would come out and be like let me teach you like it obviously it never went anywhere and obviously like if they knew I was there they saw me like there's no way they [ __ ] turned a blind eye to that but but here's the thing my kids back imagine the situation yeah we're that happy like where you actually we're like Bruce Lee he's like well it all started when I would I used to walk miles in the snow to get to mr. Randy's like it sounds super stupid until it actually works yeah right right I think we like when I was a kid I would put I used to like have this animal trainer outfit Oh God put on I like skin-tight leopard print like jumpsuit that I somehow thought was like an animal trainer and a big snake moment neighborhood on my bike with the snake pocket like hoping that I would like I don't know I guess like find animals to Train I like of course I totally I I thought I when I was a kid I wanted to be a paleontologist and the longest time I did until I learned that I was too pasty to go in the Sun for [ __ ] like that's trying I used to go and like when when Tina and I were kids I had gene lay upside down on the bed story I had was hanging off the side of the bed we filled her hair full of jello and let it dry so she had hair like Vegeta we suck at stalking with a bunch of like toilet paper stuff in it as a tail and we walked around the block like that that's amazing oh yeah I made I make costumes in a trash all the time yeah I used to go to the store dressed as like chip from Chippendale and like only Peter Pan and a pterodactyl that was well a favorite when I wanted to be paleontologist and then get tell my story I [ __ ] so I want to be a paleontologist so bad and I thought that you found dinosaurs in ice so I would take I would take [ __ ] like my toy dinosaurs and stuff in the glasses of water and then put them in the freezer when I was like on a hot day I'd bring the dinosaurs outside and chisel them out with a fork I did I was [ __ ] tiny okay finger painting and [ __ ] why oh nice magazine love refilled your gauge oh my god this one time this is this is a story that happened to me story there was this there was this kid I knew and his name was Ryan and we were walking to a land center to play counter-strike one day and then along the road along the pathway we found just like a random ripped Paige from like a really erotic porn at pornography magazine and we were about 13 so Ryan like grabbed it it was like I found pornos you know and like it was a little hard to get porno yeah so I was like where he was like whoa I mean he like kept it and I was like that's gross why are you keeping that like naked lady picture of her fiddling with her vagina and then he goes yeah well I'm gonna keep it okay and then months later I go to his house and he's like hey check it out what Oh check out what I still got and I go to grab it and he's like look what's on it it was covered in [ __ ] stains and I like [ __ ] dude why are you giving me this [ __ ] he handed me his [ __ ] rag drawing I'm not drawing a picture photo of a lady that he found on the pathway what why did you just out your friend Ryan it's [ __ ] I have a teacher named Miss Batson in fifth grade and one time she caught herself with scissors really deep she's like oh god you could see the muscle and then she goes around showing to everyone in class what a cool teacher I remember I remember looking I remember being like that's like that's like extreme teacher yeah she was cool but she was really really nice like wow it's like putting yourself above and putting putting teaching above yourself depression is that her name it's just like it's like oh [ __ ] so this is a great opportunity children yeah no she's cool she's nice ah it was it was elementary schools I don't know dude sometimes I miss those days I remember there was a time where I in kindergarten where okay okay there you had to make leprechaun houses right or leprechaun traps that was like the project so we'd make them and they were probably functional I mean maybe they're alone I just love the addition of probably know probably what I mean I don't know ever tested them no I don't remember if they actually like you pulled the string on the thing fella I mean I forgot if they're functional at all I think they're like a little bit fun they were a little bit functional and okay when you say functional about a leprechaun trap I just mean like as if I don't know if we actually could engineered that like our parents probably helped us we were [ __ ] five like it was like it was like it was like I know what when you say functional I think no no it didn't actually catch leprechaun oh I mean like I'm not sure if you could like spring the trap oh okay I'm not sure you know on a timeout like I'm not sure it was just like a fake leprechaun traps are like they actually had like a mechanism where you'd cut the string in the door fall I don't remember anyways yeah I remember we so we literally left them in class right and then the teachers I'm assuming it was the teacher I don't think it was a leprechaun put like sprung all our traps and like put candy in all of them so I think the Leprechaun came and like felt [Laughter] like there was candy there so I guess as if like if you catch the leprechaun he leaves you candy or something like I guess that was the deal but if imagine a girl comes in like look at all these [ __ ] things oh I'm trapped oh look at that one oh I'm trapped but but when I was a kid I really I did I don't remember if I knew it was fake but I was five it's on the verge of one you really like on you I don't know yeah like I don't remember but I remember like being like food to leprechauns and it was just so magical it's like magical you get as a kid you just instantly get it what like you just get the story you know yeah like it's just it writes itself in your mind you know I write that was a lot I think that was like the last before I'd start getting too old to like that was like that was like the time when I can remember it vividly but still was too young til it cuz I think I my my mom tells me that I stopped believing in Santa Claus really yeah she was like figure that [ __ ] out she was like Santa brought it for you and I was probably like [ __ ] you brought that [ __ ] for me I get it haha but thanks I like my Nintendo tells me who's trying to bat him away like gnats I told you that my mom has video footage of me when I was like 2 years old I'd be in my driveway looking up at the moon and trying to like grab it I'd be like I can get it and then I jump like half an inch off the ground and my mom was like oh what if you just like did grab it and disappear from this guy and I was like what what yeah you open your hand and it's there yeah and she realizes I'm like a demon baby and the choir starts off like the rocks start to rise from the ground me like you're like I got it mom I got it yeah I can now speak in full sentences I'm two years old but I'm like mother the blood of Christ compels me more power stars bah bah bah bah bah I'm being dumped yeah I've known of you know well now she doesn't count Oh I was like an internet sort of girlfriend when I was there she do I know how many worms she was cool though she's like listening I don't want to think that I don't like how she agrees that it doesn't count oh you guys talked about this yeah like just this count no well it was like later it was like five years later she was like I don't count that knows like yeah I guess I don't either about what wait what because we have like a 13-year old internet relationship where we like Oh thirteen ruin paint chat every day and was like oh that's cute what happened just don't you know what but we just kind of knew we were like you know what what I did when I was like when I was like eight or something I I have this like girlfriend for like a day it was like like you meet to you want to get a milkshake no she dumped me because [Music] because of your smelly penis okay I was mean to her brother like I tricked him into thinking that I was gonna beat his mario64 file uh-huh but I wasn't actually doing that I like just faked it or something or used my game and he started crying it was like she called me in the room but I was like [ __ ] like seven or some [ __ ] I hear were seven seven or eight it was really funny I was so I was like I didn't [ __ ] care of like I do you ever go [ __ ] [ __ ] [Laughter] plenty of [ __ ] out there honestly I think there's only so much of an attachment you can get after about seven hours of dating someone even at age seven lol that early you were already meaning her family it's it's a long story I wanna go it it just shows how modern our times are you know it's like we just get straight to it there's no [ __ ] there's a few details I'm living under this story but a lot of details that all of us are leaving out of all of our relationship stories can I just tell you before we do this yeah winner is the person who falls off the least okay that's not how it works but that when I was about I would think I was 11 mm-hmm me and my mom came in from shopping and we got to our flat our house in the house that we lived in used to have like stairs up to it and then the bottom the stairs of this woman you had a baby's pram but there was no baby in it what's up I am sorry AB like a stroller a stroller okay got it um and we were like oh that's weird oh and she was talking to us basically distracting us we got up to the top of the stairs walked into the house and I saw a man a stranger staring at me and he had my n64 in his hands and he ran out the back door whoa so we got robbed and pretty much the only thing that he took with my n64 games yeah no no he didn't leave the games at all he had he had my bag with my n64 of my games in it [ __ ] terrible so he's just like bolted yeah and it freaked me out obviously and so yeah just know that you're giving me flashbacks if you don't let me win [Laughter] swinging fists wildly yeah I haven't I haven't been able to play this game because my n64 got robbed holy [ __ ] you never place it no I got you know I got replaced with a ps2 Aaron do we have a spare n64 you're you live in London right yeah if you can't use it then no different like yeah easy pal oh man yeah otherwise I would we have like three very kind of you like stacked I'll take some money sure you know what that's kind of you to give us the option to give you money yeah what a man what a man what a mighty mighty good man that song used to make my like that was like when I was just hitting puberty uh-huh I was like oh they're dancing so strangely if funny things happen yeah down under in my pantaloons I don't know why but as soon as you said that song used to make my I was like that's there's no other way to go with that used to make my peepee get excited that's really funny I'm trying to think of like do you remember your like first boner I mean I know they happen when you're like a baby but like remember the first conscious like whoa not my first boner but [ __ ] yeah blog worthy not my first boner but my first jo remember that oh yeah yeah well sure I squeeze that I I like gave it an Indian burn yeah yeah we've we've discussed this we both have we both had poor techniques when we started wasn't yours you like humped the floor no no I was that Ross that humped the floor I can't remember III I tried to like put my hands around it and like looked like I was starting a fire you were starting a fire yeah a five-alarm fire honey and it was terrible one time I went to Chuck E Cheese when I was a kid and he held out his hand because they can't talk you know yeah and I gave him a high five and he was like he's like he made me like a no emotion no no and then he was like put his hand out again those of what and then what he wanted my skeeball so skee-ball he wanted to like throw a ball and I was like all right I gave it to him any [ __ ] missed yeah and he just walked away not you sir yeah it's like your jackass better Chuck E Cheese came up to you squandered your [ __ ] skee-ball it just wanted a child it's not like I am now where I'm like I'll drop [ __ ] 20 bucks another arcade I probably had like three dollars I'm gonna play my one token on skee-ball it just steals my ball misses walks away just misses goes well but I really sucks dude I'll see you later you know complete as many quizzes as possible for time zones that are that sounds really funny story that true yes absolutely sure yeah I can't believe he would be allowed to do that what is this doesn't it seem like you wouldn't be allowed to do that none maybe they just pissed at the kids and it's a child cheering by the way he gives a voice box in his throat can I just say this game is called counting we've reached a new low I don't know I don't I don't speak any language other than English but you used to know Hebrew I did I did Hebrew was my first language when I was like a little baby and I've completely forgotten all of it that's a shame yeah so if I was like my Hanukkah yeah you'd be like I'd be like that's very offensive go [ __ ] well I mean I remember like the songs my dad used to sing to me like as a kid like to help me go to sleep and stuff yeah like what like Noomi Noomi Noomi Noomi you mean the dance that that guy did that's a Numa Numa okay yeah this goes like [Music] relaxing because Linda did not help me sleep my dad stop it goes Noomi Noomi Noomi Noomi knew and like there's another part but yeah as soon as like it became such a Pavlovian response that as soon as he started saying that I'd be like yeah Oh interesting god I can't believe I still remember that it's been like 30 years did your dad do that like if you're doing something physical like carrying something really heavy and then like if you just kind of like bump into a wall they're like watching my dad really never got too mad at me except wait a second I blacked that out yeah that's him I landed in this place okay it wasn't fair except for the very very specific time I remember when my dad was tired of shoveling and we had like a really really heavy winter in New Jersey and like there was just like a winter's coming yeah Oh winter [ __ ] came that year I think it was like 94 night 96 that was it and there was lights really hot dude [Laughter] so yeah like that winter like um there was just one giant snowstorm after another so my dad just got tired of shoveling all the time and he was like he bought a snow blower and it was like the biggest [ __ ] deal to him he was so excited and I managed to destroy it I was sort of young and like I didn't have like the same like just was stupider and I didn't have the same body control that I have now and all that so like he was like Dan let you use the snowblower but be careful okay cause it says you never use one I was like oh I think I know how to use snow book like so like yeah nicely done way to land in victory on the things that kill you oh yeah sure no I'm invincible after I kill people so okay some video game rules logic whoa die on spikes but win against guy don't die on spikes that's a meme for you're ready oh goodness so yeah like um we uh so he put me in charge of the snowblower and he walks inside and like you know it's got a long cord that like connects inside the house or to a power source or whatever and my first like thing that I do is run right over the cord so it's like and it sucks up the entire cord and [ __ ] destroys the mechanism forever oh man you're an idiot oh dude I felt like it too and I like I had to like walk into the house and tell my dad that I just destroyed his pride enjoyed new thing while he was still removing his jacket so he had to simultaneously deal with the pain of losing like going back outside losing this thing he liked a lot and was looking forward to and also the realization that his [ __ ] son is an idiot well I think he already knew that yeah he was already at peace with that [Applause] okay people are probably gonna think you're weird for calling your mom dev I feel like I've explained it once or twice before Italy well yeah cuz I mean I've always called my parents by their first name just cuz I kind of learned how to speak before anyone taught me so I just called people by what I heard other people calling them yeah so like seems like a lot like it should happen a lot more commonly yeah I guess I don't know what happened but like but that's why I call my grandma mom because I heard my mom calling her mom say oh my grandma's mom and my granddad's pop my mom's Debbie Wow yeah or doubles or doubles mcdougal Steve as she's come to be known so tubes for short so if nobody if nobody did all that [ __ ] by like generation three everybody would just be calling each other by their names yeah why not it like I remember other parents at like PTA meetings like if I'd be like hey Debbie that all the other parents would be like oh yeah like is he adopted yeah it's so disrespectful a different marriage you think it's just a [ __ ] sound aren't you release the sphincters like it's like something your dad yells at you go in the water and cool off okay you I'm sick of your [ __ ] you take five minutes why don't you take five minutes dad yeah I'm just being facetious you're the angry one that was the best my dad my dad never hit me but he could yell he could yell and there would be times like that where he'd just be like uh-huh oh man I can't think of a good one but he used to yell [ __ ] empty all the time and I just I just be like whatever I like pretend to like not be bad but I was super mad you mean when he would like tell you to do stuff yeah yeah and they can be like stay in your room and you're like I don't even care [Laughter] yeah it like later like half an hour later everything would calm down well he'd calm down I'd still be hot and he'd be like Dan you calm down it's weird like thinking back like having those Tantrums it's so it's so weird because like it's so beyond what you would do now yeah yeah like now I would just like seize and kill someone at the post office now wouldn't scream I just I just see what I like to do now as an adult is take all that anger and frustration push it down deep inside of me until it becomes a seething white core of pure hate and then just one day I let it explode on someone who doesn't deserve it I'll just drive it towards my index finger while holding a handgun Oh Lord that's buddy oh one time I am my sister like walked in on me and like on in the I was in the kitchen and I just been watching the episode where where where if we're trunks like turns into Super Saiyan and freezes men like shooting shoot shoot at him and then he like just puts his hand up and like the bullets they're like energy blasts like hit his hand and there's kind of bounce off like you and they're like oh he caught the bullets and just they didn't do anything so I was just like man that was so cool like if I caught an energy blast like what would that look like it was doing it in the kitchen it's going to Chu clapper to me to catch energy blast Ellen and I didn't realize that my sister was home and she was just standing by the fridge watching me go to to to like catching bullets and she I just hear what the [ __ ] are you doing just like accent oh what the [ __ ] are you doing oh my god is good okay this is Rebecca oh my god that's so funny I'm famous dang it I did see if you did that now in our office I'd be like dude [ __ ] ya what are you doing we actually I think I treated a while ago just like thinking about it like what it you know how you always try to do a kamehameha yeah what if you actually did your parents would be so pissed off oh yeah you put a [ __ ] hole through your house see that's the thing that's the difference between a true believer and a poser mister shakes when I when I [ __ ] was trying to do a Kamehameha I did it outside the point of this guy are you serious because I was like dude if I actually do it I mean I don't want to hurt somebody I thought it was really we were active imagination imagination I was like how I thought I was going to Hogwarts I was waiting for my letter and it never came a friend of mine dude I watched I watched the episode of Dragon Ball Z where go Han teaches Vidal teaches Vidal howdy we watched you recently in the car together yeah yeah we were waiting in a parking lot so it's this episode we're like Gohan's like okay Vidal this is how you do it and he like he sits down and shows you how to create energy in his hand and the minute I saw that episode everyone at school was trying to do it and like basically like everyone is one guy discovered that if you just hold your hands really stiff like for a really long time to the point that they're like two tents and you let go yeah it's kind of like electric feeling cuz your hands your joints are just like wow that kind of hurt huh and it was like I think it did it oh man I have so many Dragon Ball Z stories when I was a kid it's so funny mine was just like like Harry Potter vampire fangs to the grocery store and stuff amazing I mean I used to dress up for everyday people and anything I could dress up for that's I used to wear my Renaissance Fair clothes like to school and wear a cloak yeah we're a little bit do-over on that one he didn't understand the rules oh we're so good okay who's we all would have been friends I'm too cool I was like the coolest kid in school I I wasn't for this episode started uh-huh you were like hey man have you ever barked on a family member oh yeah as a matter of fact I haven't yeah yeah yeah barf it up my mom so why don't you share that tale well as we ride tail it just fits the cut it's just saying it is funny and it's like there's a story it's like I don't know I was barfing and then my mom was like here barf into my hands so it doesn't get all over wait that's weird but that's sweet - well she was like rushing me to the toilet so I could barf into the toilet your barf into my hand but she was like no I'm trying to blow well she wasn't like here son this is where you should barf you're going you know you're gonna fall off the cliff oh my god or left yeah she wasn't like here in my noble hand she was like oh god my dad the exact opposite he would've just like held me by the collar like at a full arm extension and just been like go ahead as long as you don't barf on my tracksuit barf all over the place I love it why do I have my bow okay there we go it's if I had like ten million dollars I'd be like all right I'm good that's the thing man like it's just weird like my uncle like was like listen kid I like you think you make a million dollars and that's it you'll be fine but to live the way you think a millionaire lives you actually need closer to like 10 to 12 million dollars yeah and I'm like oh my god I made 300 and I was like oh sweet $300 dude have you ever have you ever been in like natural Hot Springs yeah once really yeah I was in Japan they're the best aren't they I was at what same uncle actually I was out on a road trip with him through the desert in in Death Valley and like all parts of California and Nevada it was when I was like I had taken some time off college because I was going through some stuff and I was like it would be better if I wasn't here right now trying to learn the and um so like we took a road trip together and it was it was awesome but like you're out there and you're like just hundreds of miles from any kind of civilization you know so like anyone you run into out there like they can do terrible things to you and never be caught you know so like and you'll never be found and all that sort of thing so we're out there it's my uncle myself and it's two dogs and we stopped at these like natural Hot Springs and then like while we're there it's like nighttime and we're just hanging out and this dude just comes out of nowhere like there's no there's no cars anywhere like I have no idea where he came from and like I didn't get a bad vibe because like I'm like you know me like I'm unusually trusting of strangers you know I think I was like hey new friend hello desert friend yeah but like my uncle I guess had an immediate bad vibe back from him and the guy was like hey your dogs friendly and my uncle like without a trace of Lake humor was like no meanwhile like they're the friendliest dogs in the world and the guy was like okay and then he left he just disappeared like over a hill and he was gone again and I was like that was weird but we didn't talk about it again like ten years later my uncle told me because we slept in like the pickup truck you know we just like put blankets and pillows down and my uncle was like yeah just so you know I slept with a handgun under the pillow that night oh my [ __ ] god yeah yeah so I had a I had a retro actively stressful hot tub experience I mean hot spring experience put him do you yeah that was a wild trip man like cuz I had I blue hair at the time was it and that that was Lou hair yeah yeah when I was told me you wanted to dye your hair blue but oh I know I've wanted to dye my hair blue again oh yeah it was I had I had I can't remember I had blue dreadlocks but I definitely a blue hair and dreadlocks in the same year not my best year frankly in terms of looking hot someone good oh okay I got more stories from that trip alright okay more stories like someone you know can't play it's the hook it's the cliffhanger it's intense no so my uncle and I were driving through the desert and one of the many weird adventures we had we had some kind of like car problem and we pulled over I'm talking the middle of nowhere and like there's just this dude and his Shack and like he has like some car parts outside so he prefaced were like he probably can fix things and and we go into his shop and it was like just god dammit okay load game okay so this this old dude like like real salt of the earth kind of guy his name was just ski and like it is cool and my uncle of course like plays the part like he's I mean he's from New Jersey like the rest of my family but like if he drives into the desert he's wearing cowboy boots and a cowboy hat and a leather jacket and all that so Jesse has no problem with him but I have like possibly dreadlocks definitely blue hair and like I just I look like nothing he's ever seen before he keeps like giving me like the awkward eye as Eminem used to say and just keeps looking over I'm like hi Joe Souki like super nice anyway and yeah and I'm pretty sure like he's about to call like the I don't know the local chapter of the Klan on me or something and my uncle like my uncle who can read these situations really well just immediately is like oh yeah you're probably looking at my my nephews hair but he's a good boy loves his Jesus goes to church every every Sunday and Jessica's I oh alright and like from that moment on he was totally cool with me and meanwhile inside I'm like what's church yeah it was really funny but I'm it was one of those very interesting moments in my life where like damn yeah there's very few times because I mean like you know if you're Jewish like you experienced anti-semitism and stuff but like it's not it's not as difficult well question say it's not a difficult but like it's not immediately recognizable like racism if you know if you're an African American person and you walk into a room everyone knows you know that you're African American but like Judaism like in a lot of cases you know like they don't know until you tell them in which case they're like you just like a lying sneaky Jew nuts so like so I'd never experienced like like straight hatred from someone I'd never said a word to before you know like that was a real interesting experience and then to just wash it watch it like completely drain away as soon as he as as soon as he found out that I was down with the j-man dude I'm done with the j-man you mean Jesus right not Jew man the superhero no hey sue Oh real nice iron I'm just it's a surprise this guy I would wager to say that I don't even know what in the crapless is propolis is a raised healthy area I believe I I once went to a necropolis yes I have once been to a necropolis no no I went there with my my dad he shot a goat it was it was an area was it in self-defense it was in the area specifically made for goat shooting and then then I took a bath and I went home in the goats blood I know it was nearby the goats blood though by the way I'm lying tampon Florida I don't know this [ __ ] that goes on there you guys just dolls vote for George Bush weird that's all you oh yeah you know vote for George Bush weird too 2014 Florida tradition now now I know my last name is weird what literally it's weird high words Bush weird that's so thanks Aaron if you squashing my what

Channel: Grump Clips

Views: 4,665,406

Rating: 4.8778324 out of 5

Keywords: game grumps childhood story, game grumps childhood stories, game grumps, steam train, game grumps super mario galaxy, game grumps best moments, game grumps best of, game grumps compilation, game grumps stories, game grumps dan stories, game grumps arin stories, game grumps mario maker, game grumps dan's dad, game grumps arin loses it, game grumps legend of zelda, game grumps ocarina of time, game grumps school stories, egoraptor, best of game grumps, game grumps super mario

Id: AeK30b55_tc

Length: 114min 30sec (6870 seconds)

Published: Mon Oct 08 2018