Jim Carrey's Unnatural Act

ladies and gentlemen jim carrey's unnatural act [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] put your hands together and welcome thank you let's hear from the gym dancers ladies and gentlemen come on give it up the gym dancers come on let's hear it the gym dancers yeah the gym dancers whoa the gym dancers all right there they go give it to them well good evening ladies and gentlemen my name is jim carrey and how are you this evening alrighty then i grew up in canada [Applause] [Music] is there anybody here from canada you know i used to get really upset when i told people where i came from down in los angeles because i always got the same response canada wow must have been cold now i just go along with them yes [Music] canada it was a frozen hostile wasteland and there was much work to be done if we were to survive the elements after boring a hole through the ice to find food my good friend nantuck and i would build an igloo to protect ourselves from polar bears and flying hockey pucks [Applause] [Music] then we would drink a lot of beer and when nantucket was ready he would tell me the story of the great moose who said to the little squirrel hey rocky watch me pull a rabbit out of my hand anyway [Applause] anyway i'm here tonight and i feel good really good excellent super i just want to go [Applause] i think those subliminal motivation tapes are starting to make a difference yeah that's right i listen to motivational tapes think i want to get stuck in this dead end job no sorry not me i want to do something wonderful i want to be one of those gospel singers on the ptl club because those guys are just happy no matter what i think i saw him on the hill the other [Music] day [Music] [Applause] jesus run [Music] [Applause] you made the good lord [Music] imagine if you could actually be that happy that would be powerful man people would be tunneling under the street to avoid you they go man is that happy guy still out there honey looks like i'm going to be late again no that's the happy guy he's right beside the car i can't get near it of course if i wanted to be that happy i'd have to forget all of my problems and the only time i forget all my problems is when i'm right smack dab in the middle of a sexual orgasm so i have them as often as i can i'm having one right now ever had one of those really smooth orgasms turns into elvis i think that's how elvis got that way actually but that's my only escape you know sure i could go on a vacation but i'd still be thinking about what i got to do when i come home see to me an orgasm is like a mini vacation but it's better because you can't think about anything when you're having one oh man i'm way behind in the rant [Applause] oh the kids need braces what am i gonna do and you're right back into the pain of life you know but for 30 seconds man you're free all you can think about is what the hell am i going to grab onto and gee i hope the person i'm with doesn't do anything stupid like move you ever been with somebody who wanted to just keep on moving i used to keep a brick under my pillow for people like that it's over let it go we will go out with her again what would you do if you found out your mom and dad went to hell wouldn't that just ruin the rest of your life you'd be walking around they taught me everything i know i even look like them of course my mom would drive the devil crazy if she ever went to hell she'd spend eternity going something's burning i can smell it my mom could always smell something burning man i spent half my childhood feeling the walls for hot spots nine times out of ten it was my father see like a lot of smokers his favorite cigarette of the day was that one right after dinner you know during his nap fun watching him wake up though [Applause] i just worry too much though i don't know maybe there is nothing to worry about maybe maybe there's no actual place called hell maybe hell is having to listen to our grandparents breathe through their nose when they're eating a sandwich it's not a meal it's a struggle for life itself [Applause] i think i'll make another one we'll be good here's a scary concept though getting old you can't do that you gotta kiss that stuff goodbye man i just want to keep challenging myself you know i don't want to become the reminiscing guy you know people run into at bars and stuff can always tell how boring their life is by how far back they have to reach for glory remember remember how fast i used to be when i was a sperm i'll never forget the day of the big race there were millions of us in the field but i beat them all to fertilize that egg mister back in the cervix i was semen first class don't want to be like that [Music] [Applause] see for me for me jimmy stewart is the kind of guy that i'd love to be man it's very difficult to be that though you know i mean he's just kind of up here somewhere and i just want i love him man it's he's a great example of somebody who's had an incredibly productive life seems like no matter what happens no matter how bad things get jimmy stewart can look at it in a positive way well i guess we're going to have ourselves a nuclear holocaust oh hey everybody come on over to the window look at that mushroom cloud and that beautiful and and the amazing thing to me is that something so magnificent colorful could just melt your face right off that's positive energy you know you've got to look death right in the face that's what jimmy stewart would do hi mr duffy you look like you could use some soup i want to be like that man maybe i will be maybe some day after i'm finished singing the gospel i'll go even further and become a real holy man and i'm not talking about the kind of holy man you see on tv those tv evangelists they're not holy men they're just ambitious i saw one guy who was so ambitious he actually became jealous of the lord you could tell it came out halfway through the sermon he said when i was a child no i wanted to be the savior of the world then they told me that jesus was the son of god and i realized it's all who you know [Applause] very petty petty people you know you can't be like that if you want to be a holy man and you got to be sure of yourself too when you make a decision you cannot waver in any way you got to stick with it you never see gandhi during a hunger strike sneaking into the kitchen in the middle of an eye gandhi what are you doing down here um i thought i heard a powder and i was going to eat him over the end with his giant bowl of potato salad he would never put himself in that position you know and you got to control your temper constantly you know you cannot fly off the handle at any moment you got to be right in the center like jesus was very composed his whole life i mean right up to the end if that was me i'd be up there going great just beautiful you guys are gonna get it where do my father hears about [Laughter] then there are those weird impulses we get constantly you know we have to fight them off every day of our lives there's mad little impulses that we get and everybody gets them too like you'll be with a friend that could be your best friend in the whole world he's standing about two feet away talking to you and you're thinking my goodness i could just fire out and hit him right now he would never expect it see madness is never that far away it's as close as saying yes to the wrong impulse the people who stay sane are the people who can make those quick decisions should i stick my fingers into the fan or leave the room right now should i run the blade of this razor across my tongue or just finish shaving and move away from the sink come on you're right there [Applause] but you don't because luckily most of us have that little voice inside our head that says turning the car into oncoming traffic is counterproductive imagine if we didn't have that voice man i wouldn't even be here right now i'd be in the shark tank at sea world he's got my legs we'd be apologizing until the end of time hi how are you sorry man you guys enjoying the show wow excuse me sorry about that just came into my head and i made a decision i don't know it's uh i hate to turn my back on the audience i really do i think 9 out of 10 of the worst impulses we get though are when we're behind the wheel of a car you know that's why i don't think it's a good idea to carry a gun [Music] in the glove compartment chances are if it's there sooner or later you're going to use it reports in again what are you going to do if somebody cuts you off on the freeway just let them go you pretty much have to shoot them you know otherwise they won't learn nothing [Applause] [Music] or say all of a sudden you have to go on a real killing spree and all you have is a knife after a couple of people your arm is again you have to switch hands then you look like a girl stop laughing [Applause] there are automatic weapons on sale [Applause] that's why a lot of my friends are taking martial arts classes and stuff like that which i think is a really good idea anybody into martial arts here come on right now baby [Music] just try to penetrate the crabs he's a crustacean so i'm gonna get some boiling water [Applause] i think it's a good idea to know how to defend yourself though i really do i just wish the people who took martial arts would master the technique before they go around showing it off because it's really annoying when they come up to you and go hey man i just learned this incredible new move in karate today but you gotta come at me like this [Applause] gee is there anything i could do to make it easier for you maybe i could put my head under the back wheel of your car that's how it goes down in the street [Music] that's how it goes down man give me your money now all right then i'm gonna have to stab you with my right hand in a lunging fashion try to keep your weight on the back leg what world is this what wonderful world gee he does it all [Applause] [Music] of course i don't think we'd need any of this stuff if we could just communicate to each other of course if you wanted to do that you'd have to find some kind of language that everyone understood myself i think that's music i happen to love it tell me how much supposed to live without you baby i've been loving [Applause] what happened to him i don't know he tried to sing like michael bolton and something just popped in his head that guy tries really hard doesn't he no he puts a lot into a song come on [Music] he is 99 effort that man certainly god hate to go to one of his concerts by the end of he'd have a big bubble on his head they want an encore cut me i love the way he sings i'm just afraid for him that's all and we should open up the parameters of the music we listen to you know it really bothers me that the people in this country don't know about the incredible pop music coming out of the middle east right now i'd like to be the one to bring it to the west come on clap your hands i'll do [Music] [Applause] [Music] it [Applause] [Applause] oh what's going on man it's all about paola isn't it we should try to put ourselves in their shoes for a change wake up in the morning take the sand out of your teeth turn on that radio dial that was hottie bob by cool abdul coming up next on libya wrap dj jazzy ma new bar and the fresh ross on johnny [Applause] but first a word from our hostage they mean business send more guns [Music] [Music] uh communication hardest thing in the world you know i can look at you guys i can communicate to you all night but one-on-one i'm terrible just there's certain things about communicating that really bother me you know like whenever i meet somebody new i say hi how are you [Music] most of the time when people hear that they'll say something like good in yourself or fine thank you very much but sometimes they like to surprise you i've got no dream man i'm all dead inside i'm sorry wrong answer but thank you for playing man if i'm worried about something i don't even want to leave my house anymore because i know there's five people waiting out there somewhere just to ask me that question hey jim how are you and i go really good please look away danger danger danger i should change the response or something you know how am i g i don't know let me check [Music] i'd like to do a few more tests [Applause] [Music] thank you the weird thing is though we've gotten so used to hearing this hi how are you that if somebody doesn't say it we answer it anyway hi bob good and you then the conversation goes nowhere because all you can hear is that voice in your head going uh uh he thinks you're an idiot he's gonna tell everyone kill him kill him and you have to make one of those decisions again you know i think body language is the communication of the future for instance if you stand like this it means hey girls i'm single and i have a curvature of the spine you got to put it out there you know and guys seriously the walk is everything the walk is the most important element if you want a whole room full of ladies to know what you want without them getting the wrong idea walk into a singles bar like this see this puts out a definite message you know it says listen i said i could care less but my crotch would like to buy you a beer [Applause] believe me these days women have heard every line there is to say guys you got to get in there with something visual and distract them hey baby come here for a second [Applause] yeah you come on over here listen uh [Applause] listen do you uh do you find it unusually windy today [Applause] okay first of all there's too many people in this room [Music] does anybody have a package of matches jimmy are you back there you throw me a package of matches up here okay uh could you just all tie your hair together for me now wouldn't that be great you guys just all linked up heads then i go over there i like that little baby and the rest of you go up like a bunch of ladyfingers [Applause] are there are there any married people in the crowd tonight all right already i usually never wait for a response on that because nobody ever goes [Applause] over here 40 years [Applause] this is for the married people in the crowd ladies and gentlemen my impression of the first two years of marriage honey don't come in here [Applause] now and now the second two years hey han you gotta smell this one hurry up you're gonna miss it and that's the woman so it gets kind of scary [Applause] you know what you gotta do though you're married you just gotta gotta keep attractive for each other you know that's why i hit the gym so hard all the time i went a couple of times okay once it was a guest pass you know but they're crazy in there some people are like they're in the bathroom popping steroids next thing you know so what is this big stink about the drugs i mean so i want to take a few pills before i work out does that make me any less of a woman i can bring home the bacon fry it up in a pan and even make my husband wonder if he married him [Applause] [Music] wow [Music] [Music] [Applause] stop it already your mission jim should you choose to accept it will be to disguise yourself as the following people jack nicholson doing the joker well i guess i don't have to do it now jack nicholson doing the job [Applause] clint eastwood [Applause] uh oh my god what a pinnacle wouldn't that be awful if i like named 20 people they were exactly the same everyone [Applause] you guys would just be nice too you'll be gone he doesn't know just clap clint eastwood [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] oh michael landon he would want me to do it shut up newborn cold that wasn't me and last but not least james dean please keep in mind this is the last impression so please applaud accordingly james dean he's milking that toe box now james dean [Applause] thank you this is so much fun just to be able to jump up on stage night after night perform for people like yourselves and never be recognized for who i really am that's good um but my favorite part is uh is to be able to go out in public and and say something that's really truly original and funny and have everybody say hey who's that supposed to be [Laughter] uh get out get out think i'm kidding you get out get out get out oh god get out oh god [Applause] wouldn't that be wild if i was really having a nervous breakdown in front of you guys you thought it was part of the show then i came down here and snapped her neck that'd be worth a ticket wouldn't it gee we thought it was kind of expensive until he actually cracked in front of us you don't get to see that enough that could happen though man you know one minute i'm up here singing dancing telling jokes next minute i'm running down the street get them off with naked beekeeper disease not there i'll tell you if i wasn't extremely healthy i'd be in a lot of trouble i couldn't be doing drugs and doing this no thank you besides drugs can't do this only reality can all right i stopped doing all that stuff about eight years ago you know and uh i just uh i just didn't have any fun anymore you know it seemed like it seemed like it made me more normal like jim what are you doing i'm returning these books to the library jim's really screwed up today he's following the rules and then there were the parties you know which were fun for a while and then it got annoying because there was always that one guy you know that nobody really knew who came and just tried to freak everybody out the head tripper he was real funny well we should all be feeling the effects pretty soon you guys are lucky to be doing this stuff with someone you can trust i saw a guy one time got too high tried to fly killed himself [Applause] feeling it yet [Applause] i know you are oh yeah i know i'm right inside your head hey don't worry about it i think i should splash some cold water in my face uh oh [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] i wish i could do some really weird stuff for you guys you know [Applause] maybe next time thank you very much you guys have been great thank you [Applause] [Music] oh [Applause] hi gunther hey jimmy how was the show oh pretty good i don't know it's frustrating though you know it seems like no matter what i do up there i can never seem to match what's going on inside my hand i wouldn't want to see that son hey [Laughter] oh it's a bit i'm working on so uh so you

Channel: ReelmadnessTV

Views: 253,147

Rating: 4.8871932 out of 5

Keywords: Jim Carrey, Judd Apatow, Jimmy Miller, Michael French

Id: wbpciGnQnOA

Length: 46min 32sec (2792 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 04 2021

Reddit Comments

[u/kydogification]

Is someone booing him during the gospel bit? Edit: nvm it sounds like somebody laughing so hard they are gasping for air almost making a honking noise.