Conan the Barbarian - JonTron

between the time of the space invaders and the dawn of the land of Hyrule there was an age undreamed-of and on to this Chandran destined to play the games that no one else wants to it is I the guy that saw some of this and heard the rest through hearsay who alone can tell thee of his saga let me tell you of the days of high adventure don't try what is best in life to crush your enemies to see them driven before you and to hear the lamentation of the women wow I was gonna say it day at the beach but what did you say something about maiming Jesus Christ Conan the Barbarian originally portrayed by Arnold Schwarzenegger God doesn't take [ __ ] from no one you kills entire family comes back 20 years later and beheads you in front of your entire snake cult then becomes the governor of the state of California [ __ ] metal [ __ ] dude let's hope he spared his games of the same gory fate let's have a look at some of the older titles first like Conan Hall of bolt on the commodore 64 this should have everything I could possibly ask for in a game like this swordplay ceaseless adventure what better place to experience it than here in the basement birthplace of fantasy [Music] well that's a bit of a tonal shift but this is from the 80s so I'll let it slide Coenen presented by a bunch of white guys named Eric sounds about right Halle Volta by the way not a real place I checked before the game starts it shows you a cast of characters as you can see here we have Conan and Volta I'm glad because otherwise the title of this game be very misleading oh look an avian ally now this is my kind of game right here alright close to home Chuck where you got to see this oh no I think I left him upstairs I turned off his alarm right hey Don it's me I brought your life-saving medicine Oh that's probably nothing we got an object list two locked door not so much an object as it is an idea of objects working in tandem extra sword can there be an extra sword if there's just no sword at all here this game is pretty much like every commodore 64 game primitive and clunky whoa hold on boomberang sword was that boomerang sword that sets it apart that's a whole different class of epic the aim of the game is to traverse the stage and get to this little object up here what do you think this thing is I don't know do you know all I know is I want to get to it in that way I suppose it hasn't very strange power over me so trivialism so alluring look like a goddamned piece of sharp cheddar I want it so bad it's not bad for a c64 game but God damned if it isn't hard as Conan's pecs I have to get past this bad enemy but he's just so hard to pin down come on get down already come on [Music] well it's a good thing they don't just let me die in peace or anything I [ __ ] disintegrate and it tells me my struggles were in vain not just this struggle all my struggles you know some of us do this for enjoyment all right this is our escape who wrote this game Nietzsche every time you die it gives you one of these day brightening tidbits I want to Ribery oh oh yeah I can see that you know you could've told me that a second ago you beat a heated retreat and this game I shall not complete let's take a look next at its Conan the Cimmerian for the ms-dos yes yes yes that's what I'm talking about that's what I'm here for decapitations and barbarism okay all right not so much here for the long Scrolls with flesh colored ink but hey we got one out of Tobit doing all right excuse me is this Conan or is this SimCity oh it's two out of three we're in the black oh good morning madam you are looking full and robust today you are blossoming like the most beautiful flower in all of Somalia oh yeah one more thing your tits are [ __ ] fantastic oh my god where did that come from Conan's all like was that a lightning mage that did a lightning me does that my wife this game is one of those old adventure RPG types click around on a map visit towns and various locations talk to the local populace and get immersed in the world one of my favorite things about this kind of game is the open-ended gameplay it's so different from a book or a film because you really get to strike out and make your own story I think Conan's feeling real bad today attack conan decides not to attack the merchant Conan also decided to file his taxes quarterly to avoid overages and remain cash solvent what is this Conan decided not to attack the merchant get out of here on Conan I'm a barbarian it's in the title to the title I get to decide who gets attacked and who gets conversed with all right let me let me tell you how you know you're playing a conan game they spent more time drawing his pecs than his face seriously he's got no face ah my first fight finally time to put the be in barbarian you know not while under attack what exactly is a better time to click the enemy with my sword than when he's attacking me forgive my ignorance but I wasn't aware there was a better time all of course sword is for rug sword is not for enemy it is for rug no one in this world can you trust Conan not men not women not beasts but this this you can trust but only for rugs only for rugs and [ __ ] seriously oh I found my favorite room it's one we can't [ __ ] see well at least someone had the decency to stick a Chimera down here with me honestly what do I do use sword this weapon is already in use I can guarantee you with 100% certainty this item is not already in use all right how about a swing chop Conan does not know that attack goddamnit listen to me Mike dementia riddled grandmother knows that attack it's like 80% gravity gravity does most of the job I'm stuck I'm stuck I'm God I'm goddamn stuck can't move I can't attack people I can't use my sword all I can do is touch rod and walk around and get [ __ ] start oh look at that lepers peasant well she's moving right along she's having more fun than me in this [ __ ] game alright last on the list Conan for NES please let this version be good how could be how could they [ __ ] this one up it's it's Conan for the NES so this games purpose is very simple you go around kicking skeletons in the dick the sad thing is that actually makes more sense than the controls in this game look at this you're going around and you realize these fists won't be enough so you got to go around picking up weapons that fall out of the enemies which are constantly respawning by the way what's this you can't walk over the weapon to pick it up hey doesn't work the e doesn't work how do you pick up the item oh of course it's a and down and by and by that I mean a slightly before you push down cuz if you accidentally push down first you'll jump into whatever Hellfire pits in front of you cuz did I mention it down all so [ __ ] long jumps hold it wide big do it can I is so life can I find them we're gonna go we're gonna go find him I can't even begin to fathom why they would make down jump when up also jumps especially in a game when you need to push down very quickly in a storm of never ending but feasting gremlins skeletons to get the item that only calls from the teleporting purple Satan demon that only spawns when he cut down the one random skeleton hanging from the ceiling that is the only item that can kill the boss that kills you in one head unless you have that item and you would never know it unless you read it on the internet that doesn't exist when this game came out hallelujah holy [ __ ] and it turns out this isn't even really a conan game it's another game from the c64 called myth history in the making which is notable for its sweet musics [Music] hey guys I think you gotta spread the music out a bit Navajo be glad to know that this game sticks with the main motif that Conan does punching skeletons in the dick why would they bother porting a c64 game to the nes nes was capable of so much more I think the saddest thing here is that the Commodore version is so much better I have never prayed to you before I do not have the tongue for it no one will remember not even you what games were played what systems they were on which ones are written by to Eric's all that matters is that one man played many many terrible conan games so grant me one request grants me one good day and if you do not listen oh come on man is freaking rude and to hell [Music] taketake now you turn the jar horsemanship day I don't know what it is is a scary if you want to stay up to date on jontron don't forget to follow my official Facebook and Twitter thanks for watching if you liked what you saw don't forget to subscribe to the channel also if you haven't seen all my videos you can click these annotations to see some of the old ones don't forget to stop by normal boots calm [Music]

Channel: JonTronShow

Views: 9,836,332

Keywords: jontron, Conan The Barbarian (Fictional Character), conan the barbarian, Conan The Barbarian (Film), game, video game, review, xbox 360

Id: MESTZyPTZME

Length: 10min 26sec (626 seconds)

Published: Sat Mar 22 2014

Reddit Comments

[u/Pathlessflame]

theresajarofhorseradishupthereidunnowhatitisbutitsscary

[u/ChicaneryBear]

Jon still can't do endings.

[u/[deleted]]

The moral of this story is: sword is for rug. Sword is not for enemy; it is for rug.

[u/[deleted]]

cleavage

"OH IT'S TWO OUT OF THREE, WE'RE IN THE BLACK!"

Also as soon as he said "Conan fo the NES", I knew what I was in store for thanks to an AVGN episode.

[u/[deleted]]

KILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILLKILL

[u/bitcheslovedroids]

I bet Jon and the continue guys hang out all the time now

[u/KnoFear]

Fuel: Dunkin Donuts Coffee

Endorse? I thought sports were played outdoors.

[u/bootyfaceguy]

Oh god that horseradish

[u/Altruistech]

Hey man, my favorite game mechanic is punching skeletons in the dick