[Mock Goosebumps theme playing] [Cha Ching sound] [Letter knocks door] "God dammit!" [Thunder] "Nostalgiaweeen! Look out, there's bullshit about!" [Sinister laugh] Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic I remember it, so you don't have to. It's Halloween! Time to look at another memorable movie and go, "Ooh! That didn't age well." It's Stephen King Time! [Children cheering with bouncy music] [Chime effect reveal] As usual, I have to start out praising this guy before I piss on this guy. Because the dude does have 'mad' talent and has written a lot of awesome stories. But [sigh] whether they don't translate well to film or they just pick the worst ones to adapt, his movies and mini-series rarely show the strength of his abilities. Often resulting in hi-larious results. "Scaring the little (voice cracks) girl?!" [Pennywise continues the meme] And to start off this review, how about a dramatic reenactment of how King chooses what to write about next? [Smack] [Smack] Children of the Corn! [Music plays] Based on King's short story, Children of the Corn looks at an already popular scary subject: creepy kids, and for some reason, combines them with a yellow vegetable that's about as scary as...well, balloons. Does it pay off? Well, if you like to get paid in maize. It donned tons of sequels, a cult status, and, of course, hundreds of people around the world saying, "I think there's better King movies that could be made than this." Let's see if King can shock horror into shuck horror. This is "Children of the Corn." The film opens up 3 years ago with the narration from a kid named "Job" "I was the only kid in church that day." "The others were with Isaac out in the cornfield." "I didn't get to go 'cause Dad didn't like Isaac. "He was pretty smart, my dad." [Imitates boy] I was off to my daily beating, I was. [Imitates boy] On accout of my bowtie and that I talk like a complete tool. But kids start to surround a cafe, led by their Amish mafia leader, Isaac, and get ready to take it down. And with wallpaper like that, do you really blame them? "Don't do it!" Oh, come on this is just a Friday night at Denny's. [Screams] After making a 'hand' sandwich, Job continues to narrate while seemingly having no emotional reaction talking about his father being killed right in front of him. "It happened everywhere in Gatlin that day." "That's when Sarah started drawing these pictures." [Imitates boy] Oh, they also served me my father at the International Hell of Pancakes, [Imitates boy] but I really want to talk about my sister's drawings. We then cut to 3 years later where a, just graduated, doctor wakes up in a hotel. [Suspenseful music] (Sarcastically) Well gee, with the lack of detail they're showing in this scene, I'm just positive something terrible is about to happen. (FWEE!) (Laughter) [Imitates woman] I hope my fake out music didn't wake you. This is Burt, played by Peter Horton, and Vicky, played by Linda Hamilton, at... What do you think? One? Three? "I got a couple things you could work on." [DING!] 2 packs of cigarettes a day. "Lived happily ever after." "Is that a proposal?" "No." There's heading toward an internship, while mockingly making of fun of preachers on the radio. I...guess that's a thing. "There's no room...for the fornicators!" "Amen. Peanut butter and white bread!" "No room for people who watch public television!" "No room for commitment!" "Amen!" "Come on." [Imitating Vicky] As someone who likes to make fun of religious practice, [Imitating Vicky] I hate that you won't commit to that religious practice. And, of course, the internship is just near our town of tiny, pointless narrators. "We weren't the only ones who thought Isaac was weird." But, I, [Snickers] slaughtering a village falls into the 'weird' category? How about, [Imitates boy] We weren't the only ones who thought Isaac was a buzzkill. [Imitates boy] In that he killed you with a buzz saw if he didn't like the way you looked. One kid tries to escape the madness to get help, leaving his 2 friends behind. "Now, listen, you tell anybody I'm gone," "if you tell, you're going to burn in the lake of fire for all eternity." "We won't." "Cross your heart? Hope to die? Stick a needle in your eye?" [Snickers] Why do you even have that rhyme? It sounds like the lake of fire would be a million times worse. "(Shouts) Okay! Go!" [Girl, off screen] "Nobody's looking! Nobody's looking!" [As escapee] Thanks for shouting my escape, you little dumbasses. [As escapee] I'll be sure to let you keep my head if they remove it from my body. No real surprise, they do end up finding him. But not before, like I said, they try to make corn actually scary. No, they'll fill me with dietary fiber! So, one of the kids finds him, and kills him. Gee, I can't imagine how they were tipped off to that. "Nobody's looking! Nobody's looking!" But, luckily, our 2 main characters are there to save the day... ...Well, that could have gone better. "Hang on." "Let me check." "Let me check." Yeah, make sure she's okay before you check on the kid you steamrolled with your car. You're going to be a great doctor! "That was an animal?" [Imitates Burt] Uh, yeah, an animal. Let's go. He goes to check on the kid, noticing that his throat has been slit. "So, I want you to go back to the car and wait for me there, understand? "And keep all the doors locked until I get back." "Why? Where are you going? "I'll tell you when I get back. Just do what I say." It...is a little weird telling Sarah Connor to wait in the car; 'I don't think your sensitive mind can hear the truth yet.' It's like telling 'the Rock' not to look at a paper cut, or he'll pass out. It's just weird. But she eventually can't take it and finds that she has to look at the body herself. "I'm so sorry." "Vicky, Come on." "*Gasp* Bert." [Imitates Vicky] Oh Burt, I just had the worst jumpscare dream. [Imitates Vicky] It didn't tie into the story and was completely pointless. [Imitates Burt] It's okay. We still killed a kid. [Imitates Vicky] Oh thank God, that calms me down. So, they put the kid in the trunk and drive off, because... That doesn't seem fucking suspicious. As they try to forget about their kid-killing by putting on the radio. That'll work. "Only by the blood of the Lamb are we saved!" *Click* "Getting tired of that crap." [Imitates Burt] I mean, how many King films have religious bashing now? [Imitates Burt] You could make fucking playing cards out of it. "I really think we should open it." They also decide to open up the kids briefcase, because bad enough they killed him, they might as well rob him too. "Jesus Christ!" "Not in my book." "Looks like some primitive folk art." "I think it's repulsive." Sheesh. I've seen more tolerance from Bill Maher on Islam. Did a church sting you as a child or something? "Good...boy. Sorry..." They...surprisingly come across a mechanic who seems to be the only adult left in town. Which is kind of odd. Did they keep him around because he was the only mechanic? Were there...really no adults needed alive for anything else? How about someone who knows the password for the adult sites? "Uh we've had ourselves a..." "I ain't got no gas." "No. I..I don't need gas." "We ain't got no diesel fuel neither." "Your telephone. I need to use your phone..." "Telephone? I ain't got no telephone." [Imitates mechanic] We ain't got no kids, and we ain't got no corn either. [Imitates mechanic] In fact, I'm not even here. Who you talkin' to? I'm just a scarecrow. "Now you get on that right fork there and you'll be in Hemingford in no time." But they make a Korean BBQ out of his dog and decide to kill him off. Because... after 3 years of fixing stuff, never escaping, and telling nobody about the mass slaughter that happened in that neighborhood, it's finally time to kill him because he told 2 people NOT to go in their neighborhood! They make better choices following the church of the magic 8 ball! [Imitates Vicky] I find that sign shaped, the tiniest bit, like a cross REVOLTING! As they continue to get more lost, we the kids honoring their corn on the cross and listening to sermons by their leader, Isaac. Isaac...is the best fucking thing in this movie. [Funky electronic background music] "The Lord did come to me. And he was ashamed." "It was He who walks behind the rows." Isaac is...the movie 'Jesus Camp' in reverse. He's the munchkin version of the bad guy from Manos. He's every self-indulgent prophet, that fits into most overhead compartments. "Joseph has taken his things and fled this happy place." "So take you his life...and spill his blood." And he's also a wanted criminal. Oh, not for mass murder, not for brainwashing all these kids.. But because he steals every single scene in this movie. "But let not the flesh pollute the corn. Cast him instead upon the road." I know now why they set this in a corn field, it's so the rest of the actors can have some scenery to chew on. "Question not my judgement Malachi. I am the giver of His word." And the interesting thing? This actor was 25 years old when he did this role. Yep, he has one of those conditions where he looks and sounds a million times younger than he really is. And yet, even knowing that, he still comes across as a snot-nose little piss ant commanding his legion of good sons and bad seeds. He's just a treasure. "And just as the blue man was offered up onto Him, so shall be the unbelievers!" No, Isaac! I believe you! I would never doubt your whiny wisdom! Oh, he was...pointing at them...But that's how intimidating he is! The one thing I never quite got though is: How did Isaac convince all these kids to kill the adults? I mean, he has the authority now, but, how did he get it from them before? Were...kids just watching TV and like... "Yeehaw! Compy the Cowboy will be right back after a message from our favourite sponsor: Isaac." [Static] [Imitates Isaac] The blood of the old shall spill! Rise, my children. Kill now! Kill now! [Static] "Um, don't listen to him this week kids. Uh, he's a very naughty boy." [Gunfire] "I knew we shouldn't have been paid in maize." Peter and Vicky show up into town as we partake in a thrilling amount of looking... ...Looking... And even more looking. Yeah, I'm beginning to see why this was originally a SHORT story. They come across some kids. But they disappear pretty fast. [UTINI!] So, we go back to more looking. The film becomes so bored with "The Walking Dull" that this actually counts as a scare. [Imitates Burt] Honey, please, turn your CHUN (jumpscare sound) off. They do, however, come across Sarah. "Are your Mommy and Daddy around? "They're in the cornfield." "Oh. What are they doing there?" [Imitates Sarah] Fertilizing, mostly. They try to get more answers out of her, but she just seems too shy to respond. So, Peter decides to leave his wife and the little girl behind because... ...seriously, what's the worst that could happen in this child throat-slitting town? "Things are just not happening fast enough." [Imitates Burt] I'm sure we could past all this tedious looking with even more looking. "I'm going to go look at the town hall, 'kay. [Imitates Burt] Yep, this looks like town hall. He sees corn is placed everywhere because...remember....corn's scary now. OOOooohhh!! And notices some strange rendition of their religious pictures. ...Must be part of their 'Jesus goes to Willy Wonka's Factory' set. But Vicky gets in trouble when she becomes surrounded by Isaac's 2nd in command: Malachi. "Who are you? [Imitates Malachi] Have you heard the good news about the corn? "Seize her." We then see this movie's BRILLIANT idea of foreshadowing, as he looks at a picture of a dragon burning a woman while Vicky is being attacked. Do...Does that really add anything? I think it's pretty obvious she's in danger by the sharp objects being thrown at her. Not an Eragon coloring book! It's like me confirming something I already know. [Smack] Ow! Ugh So, it did hurt. [Revelation boom] [Reenacts The Shining scene] Here's Corny! [Imitates Vicky] Oh wow. I really need James Cameron to write for me. "No." They take her away as we see the kid's drawing predict it was going to happen, like she predicted everything else that was going to happen. Why, this looks like a job for Stephen King's favorite trope: [Dramatic Voice] So, you're psychic, huh? Where did that come from? I don't know. How did you get it? I don't know. What will you do with it in the future? I don't know. If I took it out of the story, would we miss it that much? Probably not. Off you go, Unexplained Psychic Child. The less we know about you, the lazier. They turn Peter's vehicle into a corn on the car and not allowing him to follow Vicky to Isaac. [Children cheering] [Imitating Vicky] The fact that you want to kill me is fine, but doing it by placing me on a cross-shaped cross [Imitating Vicky] is just REVOLTING! But there burnt kernels among the corn. "You know not the laws." "He's the god of blood and sacrifice, not ceremonies." "Down on your knees, heretic!" "Shut your mouth, Isaac. You've grown pride born apart from us!" [Imitates Malachi] I will not indulge your quarter life crisis! "Seize him! Punish him! Cut him down, I command you!" "I am the word and the giver of His laws!" [Imitates Isaac] I am the snapper at bitches. "Do it now or your punishment shall be a thousand times, a thousand deaths! Each more horrible than the last!" "They are tired of your talk, Isaac." I refuse to believe that. Nobody could ever get tired of Isaac. He who is tired with Isaac is tired with life! "No! You dare not use blaspheme! He will punish you! The Dog of Hell will devour you! ALL OF YOU!!!" "NO!!!" *Dragged away kicking and screaming* [Snickers] Can we just make an Isaac doll? No, you don't have to. I already made a prototype. I am the word and the giver of his laws. Take you his life, and spill his blood. Look for it in your produce section. [Commercial break music] [Surfer accent] Attention! Your parents are like... You need a balanced breakfast. How about some nice brussels sprouts? News flash! Welcome to the '90's dad. [Chatter sound] Where kids rule, and we eat what we want. Like Sugar Frosted Children of the Corn Flakes. Full of Extreme Radicalness to the Max! Hff, that's most unorthodox! That's because parents just don't understand. That's why you must rise up against them. And spill their blood for our harvest. It has the awesome taste that no grown up can see! So take you his life. Follow these anti-authoritative ads to YOUR SALVATION!!! While munching on that sweet frosted taste. There's even games on the back. Like finding your way through the corn maze! Hey, uh. I can't find my way out. Because there is no way out. Those who look behind the rows SHALL PERISH!!! Whoa dude! Let not the flesh pollute the corn. Indeed Maniac Zach. Cast them instead upon your bowl. Where high fructose corn syrup AWAITS THEM. To the EXTREME. Do it now or your punishment shall be a thousand times, a thousand deaths, each one more horrible than the LAST! Sugar Frosted Children of the Corn Flakes is part of this complete breakfast. I am the word and THE GIVER OF His Laws. Rad!! [Commercial break music] So while Peter looks for Vicky, he comes across what I think is Tom Cruise's initiation into Scientology. "Stop it! Stop that!" "Hold the outlander!" [Imitates boys] Oh, well that stopped us. "Your presence does profane this holy place." "He will reckon with you." God, I think we stumbled across the church of Kim Davis. "So what do you mean, 'as it is written'?" "What? In this?" "Are you rewriting the whole thing or just the parts that suit your needs?" Yep. Definitely the church of Kim Davis. But Malachi comes to chase him with his army of goonies. [Screams] [Laughs] That kid really wanted to make the most of that one scene. [Imitates boy] I will throw everything into this garble of vowels! [Imitates mob] [Sings] The corn is going to rumble, tonight. "Outlander!" "Get him!" [Snickers] Why is light pushing the only thing that can defeat them? It's the Abra Ka Daniel way of defending yourself. "Shit!" Malachi smells his Mark Hamill hair, but luckily Job is there to sneak him out and lead him to where Vicky is being held. ...That and things are not looking so good for Isaac either. "I did as you commanded! I was good!" [Snickers] Why does the sacrifice include turning yourself into Eric Cartman? "No!" "I did as you commanded!" "I did everything you wanted!" "No!" So Isaac is consumed by...um...Liquid Schwartz, which apparently Jiffy Pops him into Hell. [Girly scream leading to...] [Goofy] YAAAAAAAHOOHOOHOOIEEEE!! But Peter(Burt?) arrives in time to save Vicky with probably the fakest fist fight you'll see in a while. Hey, look out! You almost hit him on that one. [Snickers] Come on, any less real and WWE will be knocking at your door. "Any religion, without love and compassion, is FALSE!" Peter gives a big speech about how their demonic religion is bogus, only to discover...that, actually, it was, pretty much, all true. [Demon] "MALACHIIIIIIII!!!" [Imitates demons] The brotherhood of the roaring belches WANTS YOU! [Children shocked] "He wants you too, Malachi." [Imitates Burt] Oh man, I was way off...Well, hail Satan everybody. Got to go. [Thunder rolls] So, as the demon...devil...not explainy thing goes after everybody, our heroes get the idea to burn down the field after someone tried to do it before, inspired by a Bible passage. [String quartet] [Sigh] Surprisingly, corn is still not scary guys. This looks more like torture porn for Old McDonald. Job saves him, but Peter is surprisingly kind of a dick about it. "What are you doing here?!" "Get back to the barn. Hurry up! Go on, move!" "Excuse me." [Imitates Job] See if I save you next time a vegetable goes Evil Dead on your ass! So he stops the evil entity from taking that left turn at Albuquerque, and lights up the field, destroying the monster. Hmm, now let's see. Stephen King's disappointing climaxes have included a giant spider, alien death rays, self-aware trucks, and chomping Big Foot testicles. How can we possibly get lamer than that? [Demon screams] With Casper, the friendly explosion. I am not even kidding. THAT is what you were supposed to be afraid of the entire time. That...is a whole new level of not giving a fuck. I...guess it's supposed to be open to interpretation about what it exactly is. But..the only thing I'm interpreting is what it looks like more. Jabba the Hutt's exploding fetus? A pumpkin ice cream achieving orgasm? Or the Annoying Orange, if he was Crying Cauliflower. Flash the sign guys! [ding] This is a scene that really fucking needs it. Wow! So, after our anti-religious heroes find out, not only, demons are real, but the Bible saved the day. They walk back with the reassured confidence that evil, spiritual identities can just be blown up with a few tanks of gas. [Children laughing] "So what are we going to do with these two little munchkins, huh? [Laughs] Ohh, look at those cute giggling kids. It's almost like they didn't witness ANY of the extreme horrors that would freak any little child out! [Imitates girl] We didn't even cry when our parents were slaughtered. [Imitates girl] We're kind of as soulless as the corn you're walking through. This movie, however, has one last scare up their sleeves. "You must die!" Buuut, obviously they didn't bring it out because that was a ridiculous, lame-ass joke. It's acutally so lame that the movie just kind of gives up on it. Yeah. That's really how it ends. No music, no scary build-up. It's like even they knew how stupid this was and just wanted out as quickly as possible. "You must die!" [Imitates director] Eh, fuck it. We're done folks. [Imitates director] We didn't want to put that ending in, but the studio made us. [Imitates director] Boo, I guess. And that was the awkwardly ending, awkwardly beginning, awkwardly Stephen King. The movie doesn't really bring much new to the scary kid idea, and what it does bring is either too slow-moving or doesn't make any sense. The only scares it focuses on is that of violence. Which is a shame, because you can really do a lot with scary kids in movies, as other films have shown, both visually and psychologically. But nope, these kids just stab stuff and quote scripture. That's it. If you don't find that especially creepy, then you're not going to find this especially creepy. But, to be fair, the best thing about the film is just how fucking hard the kids are trying. These actors are throwing their fucking all into this movie. Even in the tiniest scenes. Eh, sure, a lot of it is over-the-top, but they're just so much fun to watch. And their dedication to this insanity is, pretty much, what makes the movie. Especially Isaac. Who, in my opinion, can do no wrong. In fact, I think we should rise up against the flesh of the old and give our undying allegiance to Isaac... Wait a minute, who wrote that? Isaac! God dammit Isaac. How did you get anyone to follow you? You don't understand. I have incredible persuasive powers. I can even intimidate you with the power of CORN!!! [Demonic music] Yes. Corn. [Chuckle] Mighty tasty. That's still not scary. Not even the burnt ones? Noo. [Sigh] What am I going to do? My whole routine is fear through brute violence and no psychological effort. How is that going to get me popularity today? [Rock music] It's Isaac's Extreme Haunted House. See what everyone is calling the scariest attraction this year. In you go. Boo. [Smack] No playing to your inner fears here. We just beat the living shit out of you. Most extreme houses let you walk out with cuts and bruises. Here? We literally beat you to death. Just listen to the final words of these satisfied customers. You know, I thought real scares were psychological, with brilliant illusions, and creative imagery. But now, I can see it..can just be a guy in a costume, beating the snot out of you. "Outlander!" [Screams] We've got lines around the block! I guess people are more forgiving to lazy scares as long as you just beat the shit out of somebody. And that's about it for Nostalgiaween, I only have a Top 11 list to do, and after that we'll be in November. So, thank you so much for watching and... [Crowd boos] Oh, I see. You don't like the fact that there's only 2 Halloween reviews this year, huh? [Crowd boos] Okay, alright. You want me to pull a Simpsons Halloween Special and go 1 week into November with another Halloween review? [Crowd cheers] Okay, fine. But I'm only doing it to keep you happy. Until then, I'm the Nostalgia Critic and... [Sound of a beating] The world loves to pay an asshole. [Ending theme] [Music fades] [Kid screaming] "Outlander!" Hey, beardless Doug Walker here doing the charity shout-out. and this week we are doing the Wounded Warrior Project. And this is something that is exactly what it sounds like. It is trying to get money...attention and care to people that have served for us in the past, and have had, usually, terrible things happen to them. Whether it be physical or psychological or financial. These are people that deserve our absolute best. And are not always getting it. So, this is an organisation that tries to come together in every possible way to help these people out Every single way imaginable, they try to benefit these people. These are soldiers that signed up and put their lives on the line, and they have had so much stuff happen to them, and this is an organisation that's trying to say "thank you." "Thank you for your hard service, you deserve the absolute best that we have to offer." And they are trying to make that happen, Through fundraisers and triathlons, and all sorts of various events, they try anything they can to try to get attention, money and care to the people that deserve it most. This is definitely a good organisation to check out. If you go to their YouTube page, you can see all the good stuff that they do. Please, definitely, take the time to go and support the people who have put everything on the line to keep us safe. Subtitles by Silhouetters. Thanks to Doug and Rob for an amazing review! Edited by Cyberaknus
