[tortured souls screaming] [thunder clapping] Minions of Hell.
I give to you... your one and only master... The Lord of Darkness, Satan. My trembling subjects... For a while, you've known I've kept
the reveal of my daughter's secret. Well, no more... This time for you to witness the
true terror of the Antichrist. The horror of my offspring, the undeniable evil... that will destroy what's left of your souls. Behold pitiful maggots... the fearsome face of Darkness... Evilina. ♪My Little Pony....♪ ♪I used to wonder what friendship could be.♪ ♪My Little Pony♪ Uh....technical difficulties..... Look daddy, can we put this in
the fridge, please, please, please? Be back in a few. ♪My Little Pony♪ [static] My Princess of Pestilence! What's wrong with you? This isn't the little Hellspawn I raised. Fluttershy loves you! What is this fecal matter you call Fluttershy? And what's all this talk of friendship and love and kindness? Friendship is Magic, daddy! GET ME 'MY WIFE' ON THE PHONE!!! [chill music] (phone rings) Hello, Kim Kardashian? What in THE HELL have you done to our daughter?! Look, all I know is that all that TV you been showing her has resulted in her spinning her head and puking Ecto Cooler. That's what she's supposed to do. She's the seed of evil! So, I decided to show her some
more age-appropriate programming like My Little Pony, [sighs] Care Bears, [wincing] Dora the Explorer, [cringing intensifies] Bratz, Okay that's not too bad.... and Thomas the Tank Engine. YOU WHORE OF NO VIRTUE! One more outbreak like this and I'll take away your artificial husband. Actually, that's fine.
I think the one you gave me is broken. Satan: Well, no matter. It'll take something much more potent
to get our little girl back to normal. Like what? Oh, I created something long ago.... A children's film so frightening and so disturbed, that no child could watch it
without being scarred for life. Bring me.... Son of the Mask. I got rid of it. What?! I thought it'd be too scary for her,
so I threw it into the human world. Cerebus' nine balls! You threw it into the human world? Mankind is not ready for something so depraved. God help the poor soul who comes
across that nightmare of sadism. Don't worry, I put it somewhere
where nobody would look. Well, if it's in a public garbage can,
it must be worth reviewing. [Nostalgia Critic intro theme] Hello, I'm the Nostalgia Critic, I remember it so you don't have to. We all remember the mid-90s comedy, "The Mask". One of the first films to work in the
growing popularity of computer effects, with the more cartoony nature as opposed to threatening. It was a decent flick, with the Mask character for the kids and Carrey's straight man routine for the adults. And on top of that, it made A LOT of money. So much so, that a sequel had been in the works for eons. It was mentioned in interviews... "Ten million dollars..." "For doing 'The Mask 2'." Online forums... There was even a Nintendo Power contest for it. Yeah, didn't that turn out to be a great prize? Wait years later for a contest you forgot you entered and get dragged to a set that has no Jim Carrey, no Cameron Diaz, even the dog I think was friggin dead by this point. But hey, at least we have Randy from Scream... [silence] Here's your refund. [♪♪] Where The Mask had a leaning towards kids and adults, Son of the Mask is most definitely a kid's film. Even the advertisements show pretty much
nothing but the dog and baby scenes. But it's not only a half-assed sequel
without half the asses of the original cast, it's a downright strange, freaky little drive into someone's poisoned outlook as to what family entertainment is. It's a miserable experience that I'm
sure you want to see me go though. Well, if I'm going, I'm taking you with me! Run Son of the Mask! [projector sound] So, we start in Edge City, where the first film left off. We enter a museum that literally has the
only cast member from the last movie, Ben Stein. And seriously, was it even worth getting him? It's like making 'Ghostbusters 3' and the only cast member you bring in is the lamp from Scene 22. Though, to be fair, the lamp would give a much more
stunning performance than Stein. "Who's that ugly guy?" "That's Loki, Norse god of mischief." "And Loki's ultimate tool of mischief was this... The Mask." So, just as he's talking about Loki, what a coinkidink! Loki himself
appears, played by Alan Cumming, who's almost as silly looking as
The Avengers Loki, but not quite. "This is A FAKE!" "Yes, but it's a good fake." "Ow..." And you're about to see the
number one problem with this film... "Wha...what are what are you doing?" This is one of many "shit your pants" disturbing images. Granted, anything dismembering
Ben Stein is usually a plus, but I'd rather be able to watch it as opposed to
run out of the theater in my urine soaked khakis. So, the real Mask is in the river just outside of Fringe City, which is so similar to Edge City, you'll be asking yourself "why the fuck didn't they just keep it in Edge City?", and it's picked up by the NOT dog from the first movie. Yet, looks so identical to him so that
the kids can see the trailer and say, "Oh look, even the Jack Russell Terrier wanted
more money than they were willing to shell out." But thankfully they found other performers
who were willing to take less, Like Jamie Kennedy, who I swear has
set his acting to permanent nasally whine. "I know you're upset, okay?" "Slow down, you know I can't run
and apologize at the same time!" "Can I ask you one question?" "Look at all this stuff!" "I can't go as this." Even when he's talking normal,
it sounds like he's whining. "Honey, come here..." "Because..." "They say, 'What does your daddy do?' "Who's a fish?" On top of that, he falls into that
common category of badly written characters: The overreacting manchild
who never listens, never cares, and yet, somehow gets an over understanding
bland underwritten hot chick. Why just look at what goes through
his mind when somebody says "baby". "It's a boy." "And a girl!" "Twins?" Nurses: "Girl. Boy. Girl. Boy..." [Nurses voices and babies crying overlap] Whoa, whoa, whoa! Stop right there, there's the poster for your movie. That'll get the kids coming in! "Come see Son of the Mask!" "I'm not saying I don't want to have a baby,
I'm just saying I don't want to have a baby right now." So, while Jamie doesn't want to spend
all that time and attention on a kid... like he CLEARLY fucking does for his dog! Seriously, even Gromit doesn't have
as much dog-related shit in his room! We get our first look at--WHAT THE HELL?? "LOKI!"
-AH! Ripped Yosemite Sam Winkle. Actually, that's Bob Hoskins as Odin. Probably thankful for his retirement
whenever he pops this movie in. Odin: "That mask has caused enough mischief
and malfeasance among the mortals. This is your mess and you will clean it up!" God: "Arthur, King of the Britons, your knights of the round table shall have a task
to make them an example in these dark times." Arthur: "Good idea, oh Lord." God: "COURSE IT'S A GOOD IDEA!" So, Jamie works at an animation studio
which happens to be hosting a Halloween Party. Seeing how his costume got ruined,
he grabs the mask his dog found and I'll give you one sanity
tormenting guess what happens... NC: Oh my God! It's like they made DNA syrup out of the
Jolly Green Giant and Conan O'Brien! [Music] ♪ This is the part where you dance ♪ NC: So...he torturously lightens up the party. ♪ At long last, love has arrived ♪ ♪ I thank God I'm alive ♪ ♪ You're too good to be true ♪ ♪ Can't take my eyes ♪ ♪ Can't take my eyes off of you ♪ ♪ Yo ♪ So...it'd be one thing if he stuck his
STD ridden dick in just one musical style, but this asshole decides to ruin
not two, not three, not four, but FIVE different musical styles. And each one is worse than the last. [Country Western Style] ♪ I love you baby ♪ ♪ You're just too good to be true ♪ ♪ Can't take my eyes off of you ♪ Okay, can you just tell everybody to take five
steps back away from the wide angle lens? Because you can't really enjoy the choreography
when your face is this close to the camera! ♪ Too. Good. To. ♪ Oh yeah? Can you see all the dancers
behind me? Aren't they great? ♪ Now at last long love has arrived ♪ ♪ I thank the Lord I'm alive ♪ God! Looks like an alien horse trying to French me... At least the first mask knew Jim Carrey's
face was scary enough from a distance. It didn't need to face-hump
the camera every chance it got. ♪ I love you, baby ♪
-"Hands in the air!" ♪ And if it's quite all right ♪ My god, it's still going! I swear, this thing goes on for
what feels like a fucking eternity! It just keeps getting worse and worse... [musical number continues] ♪ Oh pretty baby ♪
-"All the fellas on the right!" ♪ Don't bring me down, I pray ♪ [movie audio plays] Phone: Hello? This is Vanilla Ice. SAVE THIS MOVIE! This is the part where you boogie!
This is the part where you dance! [applause] So, mutant ninja Archie goes home,
gets in bed with his wife, and makes... ...as Cuban Pete would put it: ♪ Chick-chicky-boom, chick-chicky boom ♪ [music] And it turns out the next day, the boss
of the studio, played by Steven Wright, Yeah, I can't wait to see the
excitement he brings to the role, says he wants to make a cartoon
series based on his character. Boss: "This has potential." "I mean, not to be crass about it, but this
guy...this could be a franchise character." NC: "Granted, we don't make
a shitty sequel after the first one." "I think we could do something with this.
This has that spark I was looking for." Yeah, I'm talking about a cartoon series that
has Rob Paulsen as most of the characters and we'll focus on slapstick humor that should
be funny, but will mostly come off as just awful... A short-lived cartoon series. But his wife has some big news too. "I think I might be..." Doctor: "Pregnant." "Yes!" NC: And you think Bella's pregnancy
was freaky, take a look at this shit! ["Le Freak" by Chic plays] ♪ When I play the maracas I go ♪ ♪ Chick-chicky-boom, chick-chicky boom ♪ And half her insides would be powder
but let's not ruin this potentially unfunny joke. [baby crying]
Nurse: "It's a boy!" But the big day comes and Jamie
says "hi" to his happy little accident. "I'm your dad." [baby cries] "LOKI!!"
[thunder booming] Does Odin just live in remarkably awkward segways? [music] "LOKI!!!!!"
NC: [yelps] So, Odin possesses the body of another person and
tells Loki that a child has been born from the mask. Odin: "Find the baby and you will find the mask." "Right." [drawn out screaming] That's my music. My movie's been found. Evilina: Fluttershy's the cutest. CR: Oh, how original. No, it's clearly Rainbow Dash. Satan: Get out of there, where do you find these people? Is that your dad? Tell him I blame him for that shitty
abomination of a third season. Dad, CR blames you for the entire third--. Where are we going? Come on, I'm going to show
you an evil worse than Hasbro. Ooh! [screaming continues] [clears throat] Let's try this again. We cut to a scene where Loki is trying to find the baby. Disguised as a-- [screams] Okay, okay we're getting through this. A creepy god damn scary looking concoction of hell. I mean, guys seriously, this is an appealing image for kids? It's like the Statue of Liberty sneezed
out The Honey Nut Cheerios Bee. Receptionist: "Ah!" So while Jamie reads a book clearly
the screenwriters didn't read, we find it's not so easy when babies take care of babies. [baby crying] [glass breaking] [blaring honk sound] NC: Aw, isn't that cute? He almost fed him broken glass. A common everyday mistake
of your everyday likable hero. Or even better, when the wife has to
go out of town for a week for her job, the unbelievably likable way he
takes responsibility for his child. Okay, let me tell you in great detail
why this scene isn't funny. You see... [cartoonish screeching] Ah! [Woody Woodpecker laugh] AH! Baby: "Yeah!" [screams] NC: Okay, seriously, what is with
the imagery in this movie? It's fucking terrifying! I mean, I forget. Is this the sixth or seventh level of hell? I haven't read Dante in a while, but I know this is in there. He could have forgotten something as horrifying as this! "Come on, say Dada." [deep voice] "Mother." Oh, and while we're on the subject of scaring
the shit out of people, you might be wondering... Why is the baby so concerned
about scaring his father to where his wide angle lens can't obnoxiously stretch any further? Well, it's because he wants him
thrown in a mental hospital. Why? I don't know. I have no friggin idea! It's explained about as well as
why the dog wants to kill the baby. Oh yeah, did I forget to mention that? The dog gets the Mask, looks like an R. Crumb
drawing of cancer, and tries to kill the baby. Now to its credit, they explain this a little bit by
showing he wants to be the center of attention again, but yeah this comes out of nowhere too. No build up at all. Is the dog looking at the baby here supposed to symbolize that he doesn't like him? Is that what you were trying to convey?
How would we guess that? Everything else is shot so weird and over-the-top, that the only thing being conveyed is
the night terrors you're gonna have tonight. Yeah, for a movie that doesn't know
the definition of the word subtle, you don't really explain these two things very well. The dog wants to get rid of the baby. Why? Two second image of a cartoon...that actually looks more realistic than the effects you're throwing at us. Oh, and I'm not kidding. The effects when the dog is trying to get rid of
the baby and the baby so cleverly outwits him, is some of the worst animation you'll ever see. I mean, worse than Baby Geniuses. I know I can't take that back, but I'm standing by
my words, it looks worse than Baby Geniuses! The Monty Python cartoons look more three-dimensional. And Lord knows this could benefit from some British nudity. And once again, the images are creepy. They are so fucking creepy! It looks like every second it's on, the
movie is trying to jump out and kill you. Look at the baby's face, it looks like
something Gollum threw up and animated. Oh, and speaking of which, here's another fun image. Rather than have the eyes just stretch
out like normal cartoon eyes do, let's have them literally pop out of their skulls, leaving two black vacant holes where the
most expressive part of the face should be. Hang this picture over your baby's crib tonight. [ding] It's scary. It's really scary. I mean, could this movie throw any
more horrendous imagery at us? Loki: "Would you like some thin chocolate?" [demonic whispering] [demonic whispering intensifies] [muffled explosion] [demonic shrieking] Yeah, I'm sorry I don't mean to call, but you're just the only decent good
person I can think of to solve this and I... I think my DVD is possessed. ♪ Santa Christ, Santa Christ ♪
Santa Christ: [laughs] No Critic, there are a lot of bad
movies out there, I assure you. That doesn't necessarily mean it's possessed.
[chuckles] But it's called "Son of the Mask" and I just don't... [gasps] Son of the Mask! [click] Hello, hello? [eerie music] Is it secret? Is it safe? Santa Christ, what are you doing? Santa Christ: [shushing] Hold out your hand Critic, it's quite cool. [painful screams] Oh. Maybe not... Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho... This is the one DVD. Forged in the fires of Hell and
now set loose upon the world. One of two things must happen: Either you must would return it to its master, or you must finish watching it...all the way through. [demonic whispering] [sighs] Why don't you take it? No. I really want you to take it. No. Please take it. SC: There is absolutely no way I'm going
to touch that thing with a ten foot pole. NC: I'm giving it to you. Please take this
off my hands, I'm sick of looking at this. NC: It brought me so much misery. I
mean, there's not a minute anymore I... Don't temp me, Critic! Understand Critic, if you gave me this DVD, through me, it would wield a power too great and terrible to imagine. Wow, because it's so evil it would totally consume you? No, it would just be really fun to use indiscriminately. You know, you have a bit of a dark side. Critic, you must finish this DVD. I wish this piece of shit had never come to me. Oh, so do all who live to see such times.
But that is not for us to decide. You were meant to find the DVD. And therefore you were meant to suffer. Meant to go through the sort of incredible psychological pain that no force on earth could match. That is a very encouraging thought. No, that's not a very encouraging thought. In fact that's about as far away from an encouraging thought an encouraging thought could get! Well, that's all I got. Here, have "Gremlins". ♪ Santa Christ, Santa Christ ♪ ♪ We all love Santa Christ ♪ [door closes] Thanks! Thanks a lot. Let me know if you want to quote
more "Lord of the Rings" anytime. Why was he here? So, Jamie tries something different for a change: Actually being a good father by at the very least changing the kid's diaper. [Johann Strauss ll's "The Blue Danube" plays] What...? [baby giggling] Why are you making me think
about a baby with three penises? What twisted pig shit does that?! [music stops] [baby cooing] So, Loki finally finds the baby and tries to
force them to tell him where The Mask is. Loki: [demonic voice] "Prepare to feel my true power!" NC: Once again, you really gotta
admire his fashion sense. Must be an homage to when KISS performed on St. Patrick's Day. But it's okay because the baby likes his dad now. Yep, right the fuck out of nowhere
again with no goddamn explanation. And Odin possesses Jaime's
body to tell Loki he's fed up. "You are hereby stripped of your immortal powers and forever banished to the land of mortals!" Loki: "No--!" [screams] So he's a mortal now, which doesn't add up because the baby does
all this stuff and he survives it somehow... But what makes even less sense
is Loki is stripped of his powers just so he can convince Odin literally
in two scenes later to give them back. Yeah, just two scenes later, it's like a couple minutes. Meaning, there was no point to take the powers away, except to make the movie go even longer. Because...yeah that's what I need, this freaky-as-fuck movie to go even longer! Let's celebrate with more creepy ass imagery. Ew... Jaime: "Is that you?" Loki: "No, you idiot." EW.... "Guess who?" EWWWWW!!!! God, it's bad enough we have the
Schwarzenegger baby from "Junior". Can you imagine showing those two back to back? DON'T SHOW THOSE TWO BACK TO BACK! Left: "Maamaaaa!!!!"
Right: "Guess who?" [alarm blaring] [alarm stops] So, Loki takes the kid saying if he doesn't get The Mask back soon, he's keeping him. This leads to a delightful moment where
Jamie thinks his wife returned home is Loki and thus beats the loving bejesus out of her. [grunting and shouting] So, they find the mask and decide to
do a trade, but wouldn't you know it, in the less than three minutes of screen time, Loki decides he likes the kid now
and wants to keep him forever. "Thank you, but I've grown attached." But the always-popular crotch shot... [screams] gets the mask out of his hands and back onto Jamie. "Honey, I think it's time we trade up." So they work their way into the Charlie Sheen mobile, actually to be fair... that car is fucking awesome, and drive on over to the final showdown. "And here he is, folks..." Will you TURN your wide angle lens down? You've had it pushed to maximum since frame one! "And Loki said, 'Let there be a brick wall!' [loud bang] Loki: "And there was." [laughs] Now, why didn't they make a toy out of that? It's such a charming delightful image,
I'm sure kids would flocked it... DON'T SHOW IT AGAIN! So, they decide they're evenly matched and figure the best thing to do is let the baby decide where he goes. "Pick me. Pick me." "Alvey, I'm your real dad!" Loki: "Come on, you little devil. Let's play." NC: "I'm just the mother so
clearly I have no say in this..." "Alvey..." [circus music] If I don't look at it, it can't hurt me.
If I don't look at it, it can't hurt me! "I love you." "Dada." "Oh, Alvey..." So his CG mouth chooses his father. Again, the mother I guess
weighed no part in this decision. And we even get some family
bonding with Loki and Odin. "I don't know how things work in
the god world, but you're his father. He's your son. And even if you banish him, he's still gonna be your son." "Come on, son, let's go home. Okay?
Loki: "Okay." Odin: "Godspeed." Well gee, if only Jamie Kennedy
were there in 'The Avengers'. I'm sure things we've gone over much
better with Loki if he was around. Jamie: "There is nothing more important in this entire
universe than your relationship with your family." "So, you might as well get things right now--." [loud banging] Jamie Kennedy: Nordic God Psychiatrist. So, everything seems to be great now. Heck, Jamie even as a new idea for a TV show. Boss: "A baby and a dog competing for dad's attention. I love it. Where did you get the idea?" "The idea just came to me." Yeah, that does sound like a
huge hit TV show, doesn't it? I did have this other dumb idea about Japanese kids collecting pocket monsters to defeat evil, but this? This is really gold! Thank God, the evil is over! You remember how Tarsem directed "The Cell", a poorly made movie that dived
into the mind of a serial killer? Well, Tarsem got it wrong, THIS is the poorly made movie that
dives into the mind of a serial killer. It just forgot to mention the serial killer part. Not only is the movie horribly written,
awkwardly acted, filled with lame as hell effects, and using way too much goddamn wide-angle lens, it is scary! Scary, scary, scary, scary, scary,
scary, scary, scary, scary! I feel unclean! I mean, I can destroy this movie all I want, but it will never get rid of the images that it is planted in here. They will haunt me forever! No one
should ever have to see the terrifying... terror that this movie produced! And they're not going to if I
have anything to say about it! [giggling maniacally] From Hell's heart I... throw you the fuck out! [laughs hysterically] [dramatic music] Oh my god, it's playing again!
It's going over and over and over! Oh my god, can somebody stop it?
Can somebody stop it? Stand back, Critic! Santa Christ! I'll handle this! You shall not play. I am a servant of the secret Oscar:
Wielder of the thumbs of our Lord. CGI shall not avail you film of boredom! Go back to the cutting room. YOU SHALL NOT PLAY! [music fades] How many times have you done this? Once. Including now. Here, have Game of Thrones. [screaming] [silence] Yep, another typical viewing. D-boy! Santa Christ, how's it going, my man? Not bad at all. You? Oh not bad, just picking up a movie for my daughter. Oh, hello little Evilina. Hello. So, still trying to take over the world
with that little Twitter invention of yours? Hey, tell me it's not making people dumber. Tell me it's not making them easier to conquer.
Santa Christ: [chuckles] Well, everything seems to be in order
here. Give my best to the missus. Why? I never do. Ha, ha, what a character. Here you go. [laughs] He's so blasphemous. Come on, honey. Oh please! Please kill me! It's the only sensible thing to do after showing me those horrible horrible images! Please, death is the only salvation! What do you think, kiddo? Should I kill him? Nah, I think it's crueler to leave him alive. That's my girl. You do your daddy proud. Anyway, they tried that before. Didn't go over very well. I'm the Nostalgia Critic. I remember it... BECAUSE IT WILL NEVER GO AWAY!!! [croaks] it will never go away... [squealing in pain] Now...behold my pitiful parasites, the true depths of darkness... ♪ My Little Pony, I used to wonder
what friendship could be... ♪ [laughing] [growling] AH, SHE SAW "SON OF THE MASK"! [screaming] That's my girl... [Nostalgia Critic theme plays] "Say dada."
"Mother."
