You're entering a world of awkwardness. A world of overused characters and clichés. A world where hammy acting is rewarded, and terrible effects are the norm. A world where plot devices are either over-explained, or not explained enough. Behind that door is a river of blood. Behind that door, two scary little girls. Behind that door, a shitty remake that fucks it all up. You're about to enter...The Stephen King Mini-series. Woah! Okay, before you guys go nuts, I want to emphasize: I don't hate Stephen King. He's a very talented writer, and has written some very good stories. But that doesn't mean I have to like everything he's done, and on top of that, that doesn't mean the movies and mini-series based on his books are that great either. Case in point: The Langoliers! This is one of those drawn-out mini-series from the mid-90's. Everybody was hooked, despite its incredibly goofy moments, but were then suddenly let down by one of the silliest payoffs ever. It's long, it's silly, it's over the top, it's a Stephen King mini-series! Let's take a look! So we see a bunch of people arriving at an airport in L.A. One of them is a little blind girl named Dina, one is a woman named Laurel, and one is a British assassin, hired to kill somebody. By who, you may ask? Well, by the director himself, Tom Holland. "See ya in London on Saturday. We'll have a pint to celebrate!" Now you might be wondering why I know who Tom Holland is. Well I did a little research, and found out that he directed such movies as Child's Play and Fright Night. Why does this matter? It doesn't! It doesn't matter at all! They were silly movies then, and they're silly movies now. What's that? Why am I bringing it up then? Well, I guess I'm wondering why his name takes up two thirds of the credits! I mean, holy shit! His name is huge! Ya got all these other people, I don't know, who cares, TOM HOLLAND! Outlined in shiny metallic lettering! It's bigger than Stephen King's name! Well, I guess if this is the same guy who brought us this: "Dinner's in the oven!" "Mmmmm-mh!" We're in good hands. By the way, while watching this opening, tell me you don't want to hear this music: "The white zone is for immediate loading and unloading of passengers only." "There is no stopping in the red zone." There's also a pilot played by David Morris who's travelling to Boston as a passenger. So, everybody boards the shamefully fake CGI plane, and wakes up to a shocking surprise. Most of the people on the plane have just vanished. "Would somebody speak to me, please? I'm sorry, but my aunt's gone, and I'm blind." *screaming* "It's alright, It's alright. What's wrong?" "Where is everybody? They've gone, they've all gone!" "Whaddya mean where is everybody, they're all right here." Wait a minute, you just walked by ten rows, and you didn't notice any of them didn't have people in it? I know you're a pilot, but surely you know planes are more full than this! "Where is everybody? What's going on?" "Aunt Vicky! Aunt Vicky!" "What the hell is going on here? Will someone shut this brat up?" Oh my god. Is that- It is! It's Balki from Perfect Strangers! Oh, oh Jesus, please tell me he gives an over-the-top performance! "I have a meeting at Boston's prudential center at nine o'clock this morning!" "Promptly at nine o'clock!" "That's what's important!" Oh Lord, we thank you for this performance and the actor you have chosen to give it. Truly, he will supply great laughter for this review! Thank you, lord. So it turns out, only a handful left of people are left on the plane. All that's left of the other passengers are material items like watches and earphones, Even the pilots have disappeared. But does Balki care about this? Of course not, don't be ridiculous! "Now I have three questions for you. Number one, who authorized an unscheduled stop-" "Number two, where was that stop made? And number three, WHY?" "You ever watch Mr. Spock on Star Trek? Cause if you don't shut your cakehole, you bloody idiot," "I'd be happy to demonstrate his Vulcan sleeper hold for you." Did he just make Star Trek sound badass? So he puts him in a 'nose' hold. Don't believe me? Listen. "Woah, a nose hold!" See? And that seems to shut him up for a while. Meanwhile, the pilot goes into the cockpit to see if he can radio for help. "Airforce Control, this is American Pride, flight 29. Do you read me, over?" "What?" But it turns out, nobody's responding on the ground, and the pilot's too afraid to land in one of the busiest airports in the world. So where are they gonna go? "No, we're heading to Bangor, Maine." MAINE! I know we're not playing the Stephen King Drinking Game™, but I don't care, I gotta take a drink to that! Ohh! What is your fetish with that place? And of course, Balki doesn't like this at all. "Bangor International Airport'll be our safest bet." "I have an important business meeting in Boston this morning at nine o'clock!" My wide angle lens is about to burst! "-AND I FORBID YOU..." "Would you please be quiet? You're scaring the little girl." "Scaring the little girl??" *scoffing*
"SCARING THE LITTLE GIRL? LADY!" Did he just get castrated on that line? "Scaring the little girl??" Scaring the little GIRL! "Lady!" Speaking of which, the little girl suddenly sees what Balki is seeing, And discovers that most of his vision is distorted by scary imagery. "...like a lot it's serious" *screaming* Of course, everybody wonders what the hell that was about, and the little girl explains. "We all look like monsters to him." "No. I'm sure we don't. Now what made you say that?" "I hear things sometimes. People's thoughts. "She called it 'Shining.'" So yes. It turns out the little girl is psychic. Might as well add her to the Unexplained Psychic Children's Club that seems to exist in T.V. and movies. "That's the craziest thing I ever heard." We also come across a mystery writer who's trying to deduce what is happening on this plane. And oddly enough, he is exactly like a character out of a bad mystery novel. "I also" "had been asleep" "What about you, dear boy?" "Well, yeah."
"Yes." "I'm a mystery writer, deduction is my bread and butter." "So I deduce," "That everyone was asleep including all those people that were subtracted, along with the flight crew, of course, dear boy." Perhaps, dear boy, If I deduce a little bit more, my acting will become a little bit more Shatner. Does anybody notice the teddy bear out on the plane? He looks suspiciously like the teddy bear from the Shining. The one that was giving a blowjob for some reason. another Stephen King story. Coincidence? Or something more? I Deduce, dear boy. So they finally reach Maine, and for some reason, nobody wants to see what's actually down there. "I really don't want to go down there." "I'm scared stiff." "God help us all." "Maybe this wasn't such a good idea" "I'm scared." The hell's wrong with these people? You're on a plane where everybody disappeared! How the hell are you gonna be safe there? Oh no, there might be people down there to question us and want to solve our problem! OH the horror! Also, don't you just love how the adult is whining to the kid, and the kid has to make her feel better? "You know something, Dinah?"
"What?" "I really don't want to go down there. I mean, I really don't." "If it'll make you feel any better, you're not the only one." *crying*
Don't worry, fully grown, mature woman. I, a terrified little blind girl will keep you comfort. *crying* Oh, thank you! *crying* Hey now! Looks like somebody's getting a smooth landing over here! Set your johnson to its full upright position. Oh yeah. *screaming* "Please, I just don't want to die, I just don't want to die!" And I don't want to say that line anymore, so we're just gonna go with that take! But of course, they land just fine.
And as is typical of Maine, It's weird, creepy, and totally filled with things that Stephen King is afraid of. "This place smells wrong." "Really, badly wrong." "Honey, we have to investigate. We don't have any choice." "Why? Why do we have to?" You know, she's right. We should go back on the plane and wait to die. DUH! "Listen. There's nothing to smell, and nothing to hear. Well, this is getting dull. Where's another wide-angle shot of Balki? *Ding!*
There we go! "You realize I can turn you in for this." "Mr. Toomey, are you aware of what has happened to us?" "There are no excuses!" "Mr. Toomey?" "Just terrible." Oh hey! An obnoxious flashback, and a crazy parent! That's two Stephen King clichés in one! I don't want the hangover. Apparently Balki has a flashback to when his father was angry because he got an "A-" in class. An "A-?" I got a trip to Chuck-E-Cheese when that happened! "What happens to lazy bums who lie down on the job, Craig?" "The langoliers get them?" "THEY WILL EAT YOU ALIVE!" "ALIVE AND SCREAMING!" Well, at least now we know where he gets his hammy acting from. "Do you understand that the economic fate of nations may hinge on this meeting-" "Right now I don't have the time to-" "Time?" "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU KNOW ABOUT TIME?" "ASK ME ABOUT TIME! ASK ME!" Okay. I give him two more seconds before he fully transforms into a cartoon character. We all know it's coming, you can't hold it back. "ASK ME ABOUT TIME! ASK ME!" *explosion* *Woody the Woodpecker laughter* So again, they calm him down, and they go through the luggage conveyor belt. Why don't they just go through a door? They go inside and find that the place is abandoned. Plus little things, like smells and sounds have all been slightly muted. And it seems like the clocks have stopped, too. Spock... While that's going on, Balki starts to hallucinate about his father. "You had an appointment in Boston." "No, it wasn't my fault! I- I was kidnapped!" "THERE ARE NO EXCUSES!" And they play the most common game in a Stephen King miniseries: Who can overact with their mouth open the widest? "Well I am going to explode, father, and I don't give a damn!" "You know what I DID?" Oh, not bad, seven centimeters! Balki's dad's gonna have to REALLY over-act in order to beat that size! "LOVE IS NOT PART OF THE BIG PICTURE!" WOW! An astonishing twelve centimeters! You could drive the Oscar Mayer Truck through that hole! Congratulations, sir, you're the biggest over-actor in this movie! I say that calls for the Dance of Joy! "Dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah dah"
"Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!" *laughter and applause* So as he goes through an airport security door (which of course isn't locked), Dinah swears she hears a creepy sound in the distance. So creepy that it forces her to take off her glasses even though it has no impact on her vision. "Dinah? Tell us what you hear." "It's very faint. A really terrible, scary sound." "And it's awful." "A little like Rice Crispies after you pour in the milk." I'm sorry, what was that incredibly scary comparison again? "A little like Rice Crispies after you pour in the milk." Alright. Put a search out for these guys. But be cautious! They are part of a complete breakfast. "But I know it's closer than it was, because something's coming." "There's something making that horrible cereal noise!" Did this movie really just coin the phrase, "horrible cereal noise?" This is a phrase that needs to exist? "It's coming! Don't you understand? It's coming!" "And if we haven't gone by the time it gets here, we're all going to die!" We're all going to die a snappy, crackling, poppy death! *Snap, Crackle, Pop, Rice Crispies!* So we see Balki comes across another unlocked door where he finds a gun in one of the storage lockers. Huh. If there's anything this movie is proving, it's that airport security doesn't come down hard enough! *James Bond music* "You're out there, aren't you? But I'll be gone by the time you get here." "I'm going to Boston." *Woody the Woodpecker laughter* "As you say, there's none of that stuff here." "But when we woke up, it was on the plane." Wha- Does nobody see him right now? "Maybe nobody was here when it happened." "No, that's nonsense." Seriously, nobody sees him right now- you're looking right at him! "Watch out, I hear someone!" I hear him much better than you idiots can see him right in front of your fucking faces! "Take me to Boston!" So Billy from Power Rangers attacks, and gets shot. But luckily, bullets seem to have no effect in this world. So they get some rope and tie up the doofus before he acts any crazier. "I think it might be wise to take a few precautions, don't you?" *whimpering* "Do you have to be so rough?" I mean all he tried to do was kill somebody. That doesn't call for being rough! So this is all very riveting, but I think it's time for another Shatner performance. "I think I've found" "A fallacy in our thinking" "And it is this:" "We all assumed as we began to grasp the dimensions of this event God, I swear his pauses were written into the screenplay. I swear to god. I mean, let's count 'em! Let's count how many pauses are in this few seconds. "I think I found" *ding!* "A fallacy in our thinking" *ding!* "And it is this:" *ding!* "We all assumed as we began to grasp-" *ding!* "the dimensions of this event" *ding!* "That something had happened to the rest of the world" *ding!* "But the evidence doesn't bear that assumption out." *ding!* "What has happened" *ding!* "has happened" *ding!* "to us!" Nine pauses. That's nine pauses! Can somebody just tell this idiot to get to the point? "Please, Mr. Jenkins, can we get to the point?" "Every now and then, a hole appears in the stream of time. Not a time warp, but a- a- ri- a time rip." So he suggests that it might be a time rip that the plane flew into. But that it doesn't work like how most time travel movies say it works. "But one can't appear in the Texas State School Book Depository on November 22nd 1963 and hope to stop the Kennedy assassination." No, that would be a friggin' awesome storyline. "This" "Is the past." So if you could actually follow any of that, they have to find some fuel and escape fast, or else they'll vanish with the rest of time. Dinah, for whatever reason, decides she wants to find out more about these langoliers that Balki was talking about. "Tell me more about them." "My father used to say that the langoliers were little creatures that lived in closets-" "Like elves." "No, hahahahaha!" "Don't be ridiculous!" "He said that all they really were was hair, and teeth, and fast little legs." Robin Williams? "So that they could catch up with all the bad little boys, no matter how quickly they scampered." "Stop it. You're scaring her." Yeah. You're scaring the little girl! "SCARING THE LITTLE GIRL?" So everybody realizes that they can't burn the fuel for the plane, because fire doesn't work in this world. But Generic McDork here believes that he might have the "solution to our PROBLEM!" "I have the solution to our PROBLEM!" They get to the plane and bring the food and beer that used to have no flavor. But it turns out in the plane, it does! Which means time works okay inside, therefore, the fuel will work as well. However, while everybody's looking at that, Balki escapes and gets himself a knife. But it's okay, the little girl is there to try and comfort him. "He's scared to death, I feel so sorry for him." "Mr. Toomey, please come out!" "YEEEEAAAAAAH!"
*screaming* Well, you know that's really scaring the little girl. "SCARING THE LITTLE GIRL?" "Don't you worry, love. We're gonna have you right as rain in no time flat." "Listen to me. She's got internal bleeding. We don't get this blade out of her right now, damn quick," "She's gonna drown in her own blood." Right as rain, darling, right as rain. She is going to drown in her own blood. Right as rain, darling, right as rain! Drown! So dorky and the black guy go looking for a stretcher. But Balki is there waiting for them. It's okay, he's a black guy in a Stephen King film. They always turn out fine, right? "He's in here! He's in here!" *yelling* *slide whistle* "You're one of them too, aren't ya?" "A langolier?" You know, it figures. This guy has survived three Silence of the Lambs movies, and yet it's a Stephen King flick that finally kills him off. "I'm telling you man, the black guy always dies first." "Damn!" But the dork knocks him out with a toaster in the bag, and the brit decides whether or not he should kill him. But then he remembers how the blind girl told him to leave him alive, so that's exactly what he does. He doesn't tie up his hands or anything, he just sorta lets the psychotic killer sit there until he wakes up. What secret idiot service did this guy work for again? But, get this. The girl, even though she's been stabbed, uses her psychic powers to make Balki believe she's really there. "Hurry, Craig." "Now stand, Craig. Stand." *Perfect Strangers theme music* Just as they get fuel to the plane, and everyone gets on board, the girl creates a false image, again, with her psychic powers, and makes Balki believe that he's at the meeting he was trying to reach. You know, if she's so good at this shit, how come she didn't predict when she was gonna get stabbed? "IT'S MISTER TOOMEY!" Hey naninaninani hey! Naninaninani- "Never mind him right now, we're all out of time. So he makes it to the meeting, and finds that Stephen King is there, to give his blessing to this shitstorm of a miniseries. "Tell us how much money you made for us!" "I didn't make any money for you, I didn't make any money for you! I lost money for you! "And I did it deliberately! I DID IT DELIBERATELY! I DID IT DELIBERATELY!" *laughter* Actually, I think this is how the meeting went with Tom Holland and Stephen King after this movie was released. *booming* But that crackling noise is getting louder, and we finally find out what's been getting closer and closer all this time... Let's get ready for a letdown! *'Get Ready For This' playing* Yup! This is what we've been building to all this time, people, some of the worst CGI you'll ever see in your entire life. *Screaming* What are you screaming at? They're just overcooked meatballs! Oh God, these are making the spider from 'It' look real. That's how bad it is, people! Come on, just add in the other Pac-Man characters, and the goofiness will be complete. *Woody Woodpecker laugh* *screaming* "I'll be good again-" *screaming* By the way, there's a black guy inside in case you want to eat him too. So, as the watch the film literally crumble before their eyes, The mystery writer decides he needs one more monologue to sum up the scene. "We know what happens to today when it becomes yesterday." "It waits for them." "The timekeepers of eternity" "Always following behind" "Cleaning up the mess in the most efficient way possible." "By eating it." Well, yeah, I guess you can't argue there, it really is the most efficient way possible. Sending giant elephant turds with chainsaw teeth to eat up every half-second of time. Boy, God must have been really fucking baked when he came up with that idea! *godly music* And thus, when all time passes, you will see...giant ape testicles that eat up the world like a tuna sandwich! Sorry, could you repeat that? WRITE IT DOWN! So, as time is- *sigh* eaten up by killer skee-balls, the plane tries to retrace its tracks and make it back to the time rip. "What does a most secret classification mean when you just seen a bunch of killer cannonballs rolling up the world? Well gee, when you put it like that, it sounds incredibly fucking stupid. We see that Dinah finally dies on the plane, I guess a stab in the lungs takes longer than a stab in the back to take effect. And they finally reach what they've been looking for. "Ladies and gentlemen, we have found what we are looking for." It appears to be a... sky-gina. Okay, here's my question: were the pilots who were originally flying this plane taking a look at that thing and saying, "Yeah! We wanna go through that!" Seriously, why would they aim for this thing? Wouldn't they consider the safety of the passengers first? Hey Frank, look at that! Is that a sky-gina? Yeah, that's a sky-gina, isn't that awesome? It's totally awesome! It's so awesome! You dare me to go through it? Yeah, I'll dare you to go through it! You dare me to go through it? I'll go through it!
I'll totally dare you to go through it! Go though it, man! Okay! I'm going though it! I'm going through it! Haha this is the best idea ever! Aaah- But the mystery writer points out that they were all asleep when they went through it the first time, and so they all have to be asleep to get through it again. So they decide to put the pressure up to knock everybody out, but there's still another problem. "One of us will have to stay awake to turn the pressure up just before we fly through the rip." "So... one of us will-" "One of us will have to die." Not it.
Not it.
Not it. Actually, the British guy decides to sacrifice his life, I guess he's knocked off so many other people, it only seems fair. So everybody gets knocked out, and he flies the plane through the rip. "I just want to tell you boys, good luck. We're all counting on you." "It's so beautiful." And of course, he ultimately disappears. Why the hell his clothes, shoes, and belt don't stay behind is anybody's guess, but who cares! They made it home! But! Is it really home? "But what do you see out the window?" "Nothing. Nothing at all." Oh except for the obvious MOVING CARS DOWN THERE. Oops. They land the plane, and everything seems deserted. But that's because they realize that time is catching up with them. *background chatter* "Daddy! New people, look at the new people!" "Did you hear what she said?" "Yes!" "Is that who we are? The new people?" *laughter* "Are we the new people?" Are we the new people? Are we the new people? We are! We are the new people! And the only way new people can celebrate is by doing a stereotypical freeze frame! "Yeah!" *Perfect Strangers theme music* Ohohoho! God this was stupid. I mean, to its credit, it does keep you interested in it enough to want to know what's going on, as most Stephen King stories do. Some of the actors are pretty good too, but there's just so many goofy performances, non-sensical logic, bad effects, and just the STUPIDEST letdown climax, that it's hard to fully take it seriously. I mean, are you really telling me that giant mutant mudballs are eating all of the past? *electric sound* *Back to the Future theme music* Let's find out! What are you doing here? I'm sending you 45 minutes in the past to see if your theory's correct! *mumble* Oh, do we have to? Yes! Hurry! Alright, keep your beard on. Hey, this is your beard too! Everything seems to be okay. Hmm. Yes, I- *eating sounds* Uh... shit. Um, yeah, I thought we were supposed to eat 2:30. We were supposed to eat 2:30. Well, maybe it was supposed to be 2:35. No, I'm pretty sure it was 2:30... cause, uh, umm...
—...supposed to be 2:30. Never mind us, we're uh, just giant floating malted milk balls here, we're uh- Oooooooh... Nothing out of the ordinary. At all. Everyday occurence, yeah, hahaha. Oh man, the skygina's gonna be pissed. I'm blaming you. *Perfect Strangers theme music* "SCARING THE LITTLE GIRL? LADY!" Hey you guys, since you've been so nice and waited after the credits, we have a special little thing for you. The ThatGuyWithTheGlasses Volume 2 DVD is coming out! It has all sorts of good stuff; it has uh, a new Ask That Guy, a new Bum Review of "Scott Pilgrim Vs. the World," uh, a new How to Be a Pirate, and two–count em–two Nostalgia Critics!
Two new ones! Yes, that's right! It has uh, uh, a review of a video game by uh- but you have to get it in order to see what video game so shshshh! And it also has a review of "Reefer Madness," classic cult film. It's wonderful, wonderful. But why am I telling you this? I'm telling you this because you stayed after the credits! You're good viewers! You can pre-order it now! That's right! Pre-orders start March 16th, and we'll ship them out March 27th. That's right! You get to see them before anyone can see them! It's unbelievable! Now! When the DVD actually does come out, we'll have a commercial, we'll let you know, but this is for the people that actually waited 'til the end credits cause you're so wonderful! Yes, you're so wonderful! I love you so much! So go! Go, there's a link under there, you can get it! Go! Go, hurry, you don't have to, yes you do, GO NOW!
Nostalgia Critic? I love that guy.