The Haunting (1999) – Nostalgia Critic

[Music] [Music] [Music] okay I'm just gonna level with you I really [ __ ] hate today's movie a lot not because the movie itself sides although it does but because it's a remake of one of the greatest ghost stories of all time the hottie directed by the world-renowned Robert Wise this psychological and paranormal horror film played off the fact that you didn't know how much of the ghost story was real ghosts and how much was in the head of our mentally tortured protagonist you know films like Paranormal Activity the others or even the Blair Witch Project where the fear comes from what you don't see rather than what you do this is the film that perfected it and even if you don't find it scary it's a brilliant character study and a gothic story it was a brilliant film back then and it's a brilliant film right now so director yonder bond you know this [ __ ] came up one day and said what does Robert smoke no he hasn't directed anything good I mean what does he know when there is bail just The Day the Earth Stood Still Sound of Music West Side Story the Andromeda Strain sand pebbles go on attack I directed this [ __ ] till I can do it so much better I know it's Gary I made a tornado growl so you can imagine this was gonna be an old versus new of the two haunting movies but it's totally pointless there's no contest the old wins but I'd still like to go over the comparisons just so I can fight stick it to this film so I guess this is an old dish versus new right into a pickle talk let's take a look at the heart so the film starts out with a woman named Eleanor played by Lily Taylor to be fair not a banner replacement for Julie Harris she's being flown out for mother's apartment right after her mother passed away as you can imagine she's not too thrilled do you understand that I have nowhere to go Lou and I are very busy and we could use someone to help us with the cleaning and the cooking looking after Richie I gotta pee nice meat there kid you could open Hamlet with that pinky or not to pee so see how she has no place to go she comes across a one ad for a sleep study meeting insomnia X the experiment is run by dr. Moreau in the original he was played by Richard Johnson here he's played by Liam Neeson oh good the sound of his monotone voice will put any insomniac to sleep calling it an insomnia study allows me to create a highly suggestible environment to investigate the dynamics of fear so everybody's off to the haunted house to partake in the sleep experiment and this brings me to my first downgrade in the comparison in this film the doctor is tricking the subjects to come to the haunted house for some half-assed not really explained very well experiment in the original he just tells them the truth they're there to study goes that's much more interesting why fool them into thinking there's something else it's just a time-waster are we supposed to be surprised like they are that the place is haunted everyone in the audience knows they're going to a haunted house [ __ ] it's called the hot egg did you really think you were gonna fool us next you'll be telling me that Peter Rabbit isn't gonna [ __ ] turtle what do you want so she meets mr. Dudley the caretaker I'm mr. Dudley the caretaker and eventually comes across his wife mrs. Dudley inside oh my I'm here with the dr. marrows group you know the first boy those Dudley's are really like to introduce themselves in the most threatening way possible a big outer gate swinging doors open while holding knives how much you want that there's some greets people with a hockey mask and chainsaw we live in town 9 miles so there won't be anyone around if you need help mrs. Dudley isn't quite as creepy or awkward as the original they do manage to handle her scenes ok but then we get the entrance of our next guest a woman named Theo play by twisted [Music] foster Kade's the original woman to play Theo did really good she was fine oh oh he does he does he to old legs legs legs Oh George John John's I don't care the last movie you did stars a schmuck from Julie one day would be bye seriously they're piling on the sexy big-time with this character I mean going all out is there anything else they could do to possibly make her more attractive [Music] okay so despite how hot that is this does lead to another downgrade Theo in the original film is hinted that she might might be a lesbian or bisexual and the reason it's best they don't come out and just say it is because it adds to the tension between her and Elinor see half of the movie they're the only ones that are roomed together and when the only person you can cuddle up with may or may not have the hots for you it makes the scene a little bit more uncertain than therefore uncomfortable there was also a possible subplot with Eleanor having a crush on the doctor and Theo having a crush on Eleanor but again it wasn't over the top it was played pretty subtle subtlety in this film [ __ ] I'm surprised he didn't just change your name to lisby and that's how free and obvious it is especially because um how do I say this the 90s didn't always right gay people very well not that the characters written weren't proud to be gay no no far from it it's that they announced it everywhere they went and to every person they meet I'm gay [Applause] thank for happy this it kiss it spank it so as you can imagine see the Jones in this movie is beyond blatant my boyfriend thinks oh my girlfriend doesn't it's hard when you're the only one at the party so what about you boyfriends girlfriends I could paint your portrait directly on you just mujer maybe it was over compensating for past prejudices maybe the writers did not write for gay people back then or most likely in situ Jones's case it's we also have Owen Wilson as Luke playing the original by Russ Tamblyn this is right at the point when the world can tell if they found him funny or annoying yet why are you so dominant thanks do you awkwardly undressing you with my imagination done so Liam Neeson and two extras finally enter the house to get the experiment rolling rest of you may hate your insomnia but I'm not sure I want a cure for mine My Mind's racing with creative ideas and come 3:00 a.m. oh I will I deserve that I feel like a genius but Neeson tells them that this creepy demonic-looking house of death might actually have a scary backstory to it his name is Hugh Crain crane made a fortune on the backs of workers in this textile mills now this man could have anything he wanted but he wanted more than anything as a house filled with the laughter of children yeah because I'm sure a guy who looks like this was a real big softy with children come on kids we're going to Ebenezer a Habs house that's what the fairy tale ends hewn or enabled have no children they all died into birth and a few years later Rene she passed away and Crain became the total recluse but he kept on building patting room upon room it's as if he was building a home for the family he would never have the townspeople said that sometimes at night they could hear sounds coming sounds of children well good night let me know how many insomnia goes where's that need a drink I think there's more to that story do tell assistant who only had two lines before this scene I can feel it it's all around us it's in the ceiling it's in the walls it's in this that'll teach you to try have a part in this movie ten just for that you and the other guy who would ever said anything don't be finished forever never to return to the script again aw seriously though a moment of silence for those totally pointless characters anyway everyone tries to go to sleep thus beginning the experiment Eleanor Jones Wilson the doctor in a minute why is he going to sleep he's supposed to be conducting the experiment isn't he whether it's the insomnia study or the fear study isn't he supposed to be around to witness it documented you know doctor stuff I like the way you comb your hair like that did I mention that I was a lesbian I'd be tossing and turning but many of them can't sleep and find themselves roaming HR Geiger's Wonderland you just don't jump out you all right down guy you've just bumped into someone you didn't perform an exorcism I couldn't sleep I was just insomnia yeah you gotta be careful cuz I I wasn't no I know I'm sorry I just oh good god get over it man run a marathon before you came to the set where's it coming from so Elinor and Jones are woken up by a loud pounding in the night and though it's not as good as the scene from the original it does manage to follow the formula okay I guess zoo [ __ ] you okay I'm going back to bed just leave the chicken on that door look what did you hear the oh all I heard was you screaming Luke help me please wasn't screaming for you maybe I didn't make it clear that I was a lesbian I don't I don't see anything I don't hear anything Wow I sort of got screwed on the old bedroom selection every room was like four times as big as mine well that was my button at the end of us scene to lighten up the tension what'd you think not very good was it good now that's not a bad idea indicating that the sound they heard maybe wasn't supernatural but could be explained by everyday occurrences that's actually pretty clever let's blame it on the old plumbing no no no that's good it'd be all except for one tiny problem we saw the piano wire undo itself an attack a person so why would we believe there's nothing supernatural there when you clearly showed us there was something supernatural there but hey don't worry even that was the case the very next scene shows clear as day that ghosts are real so yeah that previous scene was completely useless seriously though a moment of silence for the completely pointless ena [Music] boy the cotton textures on those sheets are looking a little fake CGI ish aren't they well that's just what we call pillow talk baby and for whatever reason Eleanor has decided to not be scared by this the knocking on the door that was scary as [ __ ] but a child's face with no eyes appearing on your pillow well that's just enchanting I'm sure you guys would have the exact same reaction these carvings are really creepy Thank You Owen Wilson let's so glad somebody's here to tell us what's supposed to be scary in this movie lord knows I never will figure it out by just watching it see how my old pal Theo is doing doing or wearing yeah no kidding do you see what yeah knowing yesterday wow yeah I definitely got a soft spot for Theo but it won't stay soft for long I deserve that too but things get even more creepy and I mean that as a figure of speech when they seem riding on the wall that says welcome home Eleanor is this one of your sick jokes Luke what you really think I wrote that you found it you could have I want to know right now who wrote this did you write this Vito no of course not maybe it was you maybe you like being the center of attention maybe the see because you see what you're wearing Lady gaga whoever wrote this it's cool I didn't do it have you ever noticed that Wilson's only job in this story is stating the painfully obvious do it these carvings are really creepy I just think dr. marrows up to something I definitely got a soft spot for Theo spinach is green I'm just throwing that out there you know all my life I've been waiting for an adventure and I thought it would never happen to me and Here I am paint things are calling out to me strange noises in the night and all that cost with five gallons of gas boy she sure come down from that hole who the [ __ ] painted my name on the wall thing didn't she [Music] I think that's another down break in the original story we're falling in love with the house is well creepy as it should be it's just another journey to our psychotic mind surrendering to the man isn't giving in to her own demented psyche here it's a comforting see she's so happy and cured it's just beautiful ee adventures are for soldiers or for the women the bullfighters fall in love with sure glad they took out all the scariness from that subplot oh but don't worry when the actual creepy scenes pop up Owen Wilson will be there to let us know really creepy okay I'm listening so since eleanor has decided to whimsically give in to what the house has to say she finds that not all the ghosts are evil some of them are actually playful delightful even [Music] no you will not give me Laius puns of fun so unless the message was go on queer curl for the straight girl she has no idea what the ghosts are telling her however she does hear some more voices leaving her too under the fireplace Oh God they found Jeff Dunham's lost a terrorist puppet hey these are the scares we have to look forward to from now on folks CGI about as scary as the wool master hands from The Legend of Zelda did that scare you at all well get ready there's a fuckload more of it really creepy Pete gilding oh the children from the mills he wanted to fill the house with the sounds of children he took them from his mills and he brought them here but he wouldn't let them go but Neeson realizes that his experiment has gone too far he swallows his pride and confesses that the whole thing was just a hoax that may explain what's happening you're participating in a study on group fear and hysteria well it's over I'm pulling the plug it's real know what a thought that people would actually be scared in an experiment about fear taking place at a haunted house what was he even studying the fact if you tell people frighten stories they get frightened you need an extreme setup like this to tell you that and how the hell is he studying them you never saw the equipment or scientific technology and obviously you can't ask them how scared they were else that would get everything away this has gotta be the worst frigging scientist ever your theories are the worst kind of popular tripe your methods are sloppy and your conclusions are highly questionable you are a pool scientist so just as they put Elinor to bed to try and calm her down the flowing spaghetti monster comes in to try and cause more trouble well it's official the house has turned into a cartoon I'm gonna tell you Eleanor what's that you're wondering what the hell that line has to do with anything well again let's go back to the original you see they built up this big scary scene that field was next to Eleanor company you're supposedly holding her hand when in reality they discovered that once they turned on the light nobody was holding her hand at all whose head was a now naturally this scene lasted roughly four to five minutes building up the suspense and tension in this film it's one freaking line do you mean who was holding your hand when did you ever indicate someone was holding your hand did someone grab it when she was shoved out of bed is that it well that's really [ __ ] poorly handle you Schmucks just because you spell a scary line from a movie doesn't make it automatically scary that's call that bestbear good I got trapped god I don't write a book about how shitty this remake is naturally I did it told Crosetti this remake gasps it's a pretty easy read all it contain the word as movie sucks this movie sucks as movie stocks [Music] so if she tries to run through the possessed Cheesecake Factory she suddenly comes across the good ghosts and is it me or are they just looking sillier what are you trying to tell me what do you want me to do so she runs up a staircase where liam neeson tries to chase her down and talk some sense into her wait they're freaking apart Thank You captain obvious okay it's like his only rule this guy would have a great job as the laughing sign for a studio audience fYI I missed you don't make a big deal out of it just be happy a celebrity is talking to you now that was the funny part that was the funny poor having a great time of great I want you to come down I'm overstepping the platform can you do that I don't know which W sound face to make so just as they save her and take her away Neeson encounters his own encounter Jesus I need to get them out of here now you know you're gonna pay for Clash of the Titans so you're not doing the sequel well at least Eleanor is saved in her room just as things are getting crazier and crazier Eleanor has a revelation that suddenly has everything makes sense you see this is the room where Carolyn had her baby before she ran away and the children they wanted me to see this so I wouldn't know this was my home oh my god yes Carolyn was my great great grandmother what and the children are my family this is where I people okay maybe I missed something but this was made for adults right english-speaking adults now the children are dead no not for him he's still hunting them but if I'm here he can't harm them why what the [ __ ] are you talking about your forefoot nothing you have to strengthen the Lyman P with cancer what's up to senior golf buster [Music] [Applause] [Applause] [Applause] and as you'd imagine it only gets sillier and sillier don't believe me just watch it with this music [Music] so Elinor decides it's finally time to square off against Wolverines flatulence by giving probably one of the dumbest speeches ever uttered in any horror movie that's meant to be taken seriously [Music] you go to hell you know out of morbid curiosity let's just see how the oven film is ending oh wow we're diving much more into Eleanor's psychosis for insecurities of belonging or finally getting the best of her and it just may end up claiming her life all while the darkness about the house and her mind consumed what little is left leaving only the emptiness to live with clearly these idiots have no idea how to write an adult scary story if you'll excuse me I'm gonna write the one for grown-ups okay mm-hmm let me see here um oh I know how about crane was the mastermind the whole time he turns into this giant evil monster makes all the scary faces so many complex issues here all right and then we're messy Eleanor literally literally defeat him with the power of law expired I'm the genius I'm freaking genius God I lost my [ __ ] mind there for a second Oh Oh literally about to go out and in pilyeon de batata talk about Paul huh alright um back to the movie so the see-through Wolfman is destroyed by like I said before the power of love and or whatever reason that claims Eleanor's life [Music] we're free our horribly rendered souls are free and of course only Neeson and Jones are left to look over the horribleness that counts as first base [Music] what the hell you safe the people who are already dead and getting it left me like a chicken with his head cut off oh [ __ ] this year now I'm going to do Ben Stiller movies they're intentionally funny and that's the remake of The Haunting I don't pick - can we care for it it's one of the worst remakes of all time if not be worse I mean when you get down to it what's the haunting about it's about family it's not what's not it's about being scared and I hate to break it to you folks but redemption isn't scary the original is scary there's no cartoon ghosts dumbass subplot or Disney style good versus evil scenarios it's just a ghost story and a brilliant one at that but hell let's remove that for a second and just look at this film on its own it's still crap the effects are laughable the storia style dish and even its means of building suspense are totally backwards and nonsensical it only gets worse every time I see it it hurts me inside I hope it burns in hell like that black bloated Beethoven best bucket at the end shut up you idiot I'm the Nostalgia Critic and not even a bisexual Catherine zeta-jones could save this movie think about that [Music] [Music] really creepy you you

Channel: Channel Awesome

Views: 480,459

Rating: 4.8383913 out of 5

Keywords: channel awesome, doug walker, nostalgia critic, movie, film, the haunting, the haunting review, the haunting movie, the haunting 1999, movie review, film review, review, halloween, halloween movies, nostalgiaween, horror movies, scary movies, liam neeson, catherine zeta-jones, owen wilson, 90s movies, movie remakes, worst movie, bad movies, haunting remake

Id: MNAStfDbjxA

Length: 29min 58sec (1798 seconds)

Published: Sun Oct 21 2018