>>> OKAY, GUYS, I'M GOING TO
LEAVE THE CHECK. >> HANG ON, BIRTHDAY BOY, YOU'RE
NOT PAYING A DIME. >> LET'S THE REST OF US SPLIT
IT. >> I DIDN'T HAVE WINE.
BUT YOU KNOW WHAT, WHO CARES, IT'S FINE.
>> YEAH, IT'S JUST EASIER, IF YOU'RE OKAY WITH THAT.
>> YEAH, IT'S TOTALLY FINE. >> EXCUSE ME.
>> THE LAST THING I WANT IS TO CAUSE A FUSS, BUT I CANNOT SIT
HERE IN SILENCE FOR ONE MORE MOMENT WHILE THIS UNEQUAL,
UNJUST ACTION UNFOLDS. >> MARY BETH, IS THERE A
PROBLEM? >> REMIND ME, WHAT IS YOUR NAME
AGAIN? >> SERIOUSLY, I'M YOUR
SUPERVISOR. IT'S CANDICE.
>> WELL, CANDICE, I THINK YOU OUGHT TO ASK YOURSELF IF YOU'RE
A SUPERVISOR OR A TAKER OF ADVANTAGES OF PEOPLE.
>> I'M SORRY, I'M NOT FOLLOWING. >> WELL, LET ME DRAW A MAP FOR
YOUR THOUGHTS THEN. YOU ARE STRONG ARMING A WOMAN TO
PAY FOR WINE THAT SHE DID NOT IMBIBE.
>> AND FURTHERMORE, EXPECT HER TO QUIETLY SIT AND ROLL OVER
LIKE A PROSTITUTE FROM THE AMSTERDAM DISTRICT, I THINK NOT.
>> YOU KNOW, IT'S HONESTLY FINE WITH ME.
>> YOU HAVEN'T SPOKEN A WORD TONIGHT AND NOW YOU'RE MAD?
>> I HAVE A BIRTHDAY PARTY TO GO TO.
>> NO, NO ONE'S GOING ANYWHERE BECAUSE THIS SITUATION HAS
BECOME UNTENABLE. >> ACTUALLY, I AM GOING TO GO,
BECAUSE MY BABY-SITTER LEAVES AT 8:00, WHETHER I'M THERE OR
NOT. >> WELL, FINE, HE LEFT.
BUT THAT'S THE ONLY ONE WHO LEAVES THIS TABLE BECAUSE THE
REST OF YOU WILL STAY AND HEAR WHAT YOU NEED TO HEAR.
LOCK THE DOORS. >> YOU GOT IT.
>> WHAT? >> YOU'RE GOING TO HEAR THE
STORY OF THIS WOMAN THAT YOU HAVE ALL DECIDED IS TO PATHETIC
TO BE TREATED WITH DIGNITY. >> WHOA.
>> BECAUSE EVERY NIGHT, THIS WOMAN GOES HOME TO NOTHING AND
NOTHING. >> EMPTY APARTMENT, EMPTY BED,
EMPTY HEAD. AND NOW, YOU PREDATORS WANT TO
EMPTY HER PURSE AS WELL. >> SHE WENT TO SEPHORA ON HER
LUNCH BREAK TO GET EYELASHES PUT ON TOP OF HER OWN EYELASHES,
HOPING THAT BEYOND ALL REASON THAT MAYBE SOMEONE WOULD BECOME
A TRUE FIND. SHE HAS NONE.
>> OH, MY GOD. >> AND AGAIN, MIGHT I REMIND
YOU, THAT SHE MAKES MUCH LESS THAN EVERYONE AT THIS TABLE.
>> I DO? >> YES, BUT THEY WEREN'T
SUPPOSED TO TELL YOU THAT. >> OKAY, ALSO, I HAD A FRIEND --
>> CANDACE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT CANDACE, WHY DON'T YOU LEAVE
CANDACE TO ME. >> SERIOUSLY GUYS, I WILL PAY
THE WHOLE BILL, IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.
>> OH, SHOULD WE ALL APPLAUD QUEEN CANDACE?
THE QUEEN OF KINDNESS AND GENEROSITY.
>> OKAY, I WASN'T TRYING -- >> AND I WANT THE ENTIRE
RESTAURANT TO HEAR THIS. EVERYONE TURN TO ME.
THIS WOMAN WHO YOU SO EASILY THROW AWAY LIKE TRASH.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DID TODAY? DO YOU KNOW WHAT SHE DID THAT
NONE OF YOU TOOK THE TIME TO NOTICE?
SHE HAS BEEN SILENTLY RELEASING WIND AT THIS DINNER AND SAID
NOTHING BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T WANT TO MISS A MOMENT OR STEAL ANY OF
THE BIRTHDAY ATTENTION. >> WOW.
>> YES. >> SO THE NEXT TIME YOU DECIDE
IT'S OKAY TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE ADVANTAGELESS, REMIND
YOURSELF, THAT THERE FOR THE GRACE OF GOD GO YOU.
>> AND CANDACE. JUST SO YOU KNOW.
AND SO YOUR CHILDREN WILL KNOW, TONIGHT IS THE NIGHT THE LIGHTS
WENT OUT IN GEORGIA. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
>> SO I GUESS THEY'RE NOT GOING TO PAY?
>> NO, THEY LEFT, AND THEY'RE TEMPS, RIGHT?
>> YES, JUST FOR THE WEEK. [ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
This is my favorite sketch from tonight. Cecily really nails the Dixie Carter impression. I love it.
Could not breath the first time I was this. "...Hoping, beyond all reason, that maybe someone would become a true friend; she has none" had me dead!