>>> OKAY, SIR, I'M GONNA HAVE TO
ASK YOU TO STAND OVER HERE WHILE WE INVESTIGATE THE SITUATION.
>> THE WAY YOU WERE DRIVING, YOU ARE LUCKY WE STOPPED YOU WHEN WE
DID. DO YOU KNOW WHY WE PULLED YOU
OVER? >> I KNOW, OFFICER.
I SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN TEXTING AND DRIVING.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. WHILE DRIVING YOU'RE ONLY
PERMITTED TO USE HANDS FREE DEVICES.
BUT WITH ME, YOU CAN USE YOUR HANDS AND DEVICES.
>> WHAT? >> WHAT MY PARTNER IS TRYING TO
SAY IS, YOU IS A SNACK. AND TWO OF US CAN MAKE A MEAL.
>> OH, RIGHT, AND I HAVEN'T EATEN IN EIGHT MONTHS, IF YOU
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING. >> GET MY BEER.
>> YOU BAD, YOU BAD. ♪ THIRSTY COPS ♪
♪ THIRSTY COPS ♪ ♪ THEY'LL FIGHT CRIME BUT IT'S A
PERFECT FIND THEY'LL TAKE THEIR TIME ♪
♪ THEY'RE THIRSTY COPS ♪ >> OKAY, WE NEED TO ASK YOU A
COUPLE QUESTIONS. WHICH WAY YOU HEADED, SIR?
>> I'M JUST GOING TO MEET SOME FRIENDS.
>> YEAH, BUT HOW YOU GETTING THERE?
YOU HEADED STRAIGHT? >> OR IS YOUR JOURNEY MORE
FLUID? YOU KNOW, NOT AFRAID TO TAKE A
COUPLE QUEER TURNS ALONG THE WAY?
>> I DON'T KNOW. WE WERE JUST GOING TO MEET UP AT
A SPORTS BAR. >> OKAY, SPORTS.
>> BUT THEN WE WERE THINKING MAYBE KARAOKE.
>> OKAY, VOCALS. SO I'M STILL IN THE RUNNING.
>> AM I OKAY HERE? >> WE JUST WANT TO MAKE SURE
SAFE. >> YOU SEE, THIS NEIGHBORHOOD
HAS A LOT OF DANGEROUS CURVES. ALL RIGHT?
>> UH-HUH. >> YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TAKE IT
SLOW. >> UH-HUH.
>> AND UNLIKE BLACK ICE, BABY, YOU WON'T SEE ME COMING.
>> WHAT IS HAPPENING RIGHT NOW? >> WELL, SEE I DON'T LIKE TO PUT
LABELS ON THINGS SO SOON, BUT I THINK WE'RE IN A POTENTIAL DUI
TO DTF SITUATION. >> OKAY, THAT ACTUALLY WAS GOOD,
BUT CAN I GET SOME SPACE? >> OKAY.
ALL RIGHT. STAND DOWN.
OFFICER, STAND DOWN. LET'S READ HIM HIS MIRANDA
RIGHTS. >> MY NAME IS MIRANDA, AND I
DOES IT RIGHT. >> YOU ALSO HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN
ATTORNEY, AND IF YOU CANNOT AFFORD ONE, THEN I DON'T WANT
NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. >> OKAY, THAT WAS VERY FUNNY,
ACTUALLY. THAT WAS A GOOD ONE.
>> ALL RIGHT. LICENSE, PLEASE.
>> OKAY. >> ALL RIGHTY.
LOOK AT THIS. OKAY, 6'1" BROWN EYES AND OOH,
OH, HE'S AN ORGAN DONOR. >> OOH, JUST DON'T JUST GIVE IT
AWAY, BABY, MAKE ME WORK FOR IT. >> OKAY, NOW HOW HOLD UP AND
LOOK AT THIS ADDRESS. THAT'S A NICE NEIGHBORHOOD.
>> MM-HMM. >> THEY GOT A STARBUCKS RESERVE
OVER THERE. >> OH, OKAY.
DO YOU RENT OR OWN? >> I ACTUALLY JUST BOUGHT A
CONDO ABOUT A YEAR AGO. >> OKAY, HE GOT ASSETS.
>> OOH, THAT'S WHAT HE SAID. EQUITY.
EQUITY. >> TO BE HONEST, WHAT YOU'RE
DOING HERE DOESN'T SEEM LEGAL. IT SEEMS A LITTLE INHUMANE?
>> WHICH HUMANE, THIS HUMANE OR THAT HUMANE.
>> WHAT SEEMS TO BE GOING ON OVER HERE?
>> THESE TWO ARE HOLDING ME. >> I HAVE TO DETERMINE IF
THERE'S PROBABLE CAUSE, BECAUSE YOU PROBABLY CAUSED ME TO FLOOD
MY SHE SHED. >> YOU NASTY, GIRL.
>> I'M GOING TO HAVE TO CALL THIS IN, EXCUSE ME.
CAR 51, SUBJECT IS RECKLESSLY HOT.
PUPPY DOG EYES. HE WILL HURT ME, BUT YOU CAN'T
BREAK WHAT'S ALREADY BROKEN. OVER.
>> ARE YOU GOING TO LET ME GO? >> I WISH I COULD, I WISH I
COULD. >> NOW, IF YOU EXCUSE ME, I NEED
TO MAKE SURE MY DASHCAM GOT ALL OF THIS.
>> YOU HAD YOUR FUN, AND TO BE HONEST, I DIDN'T HATE EVERYTHING
YOU SAID. BUT I THINK IT'S TIME I GO.
>> HE'S RIGHT, BUT BECAUSE YOU WERE SWERVING, WE'RE GOING TO
HAVE TO GIVE YOU A SOBRIETY TEST.
>> THAT'S RIGHT. ARMS OUT, SIR.
TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR RIGHT HAND.
TOUCH YOUR NOSE WITH YOUR LEFT HAND.
>> NOW, LICK IT, AND MAKE IT SIZZLE. HAVE A GOOD NIGHT, SIR, AND
PROMISE NOT TO TEXT AND DRIVE. >> DON'T WORRY.
I KNOW HOW TO HANDLE MYSELF ON THE ROAD NOW.
>> IF I'M YOUR PHONE AND YOU GET A TEXT, WHAT DO YOU DO?
>> PUT IT IN MY LAP FACE DOWN AND SET IT TO VIBRATE UNTIL I
GET HOME. >> DON'T TEXT AND DRIVE, BABY.
This was the best sketch all night for me
Ok but Pete Davidson cracking up to Kate McKinnon like