Brian Regan- The Epitome of Hyperbole Best Comedy Show

hard to read I hate when a sentence drags on because my brain can't handle a long sentence the corporation had originally decided that a restructuring of its charter should be preceded by a preliminary what in the hell is going okay here we go the corporation ok the corporation put smokestacks on pet originally okay this thing had before I'm going to move that to the past and that's a timeline smokestacks they're not even here yet that's it coming the corporation had originally decided hey we better put a little people in the window making decision that's how I read in the library [Music] like what are you doing Shh trying to read I'm trying to learn how to read better you know I took a speed reading course and not to brag but my speed shot up to 43 pages a minute but my comprehension plummeted take the good with the bad man Oh flying sparks coming off the fingertips people next me class his own rapid reader I'm trying to learn how to read good read better cuz I hear it's like good for your something it's got a good reputation nobody ever bad-mouths it you never see a point-counterpoint show about reading and enough pro side of reading like a professor with a bowtie and in the absence I written we don't never do nothing you have has advisor did you did have it it positive is in the book and you looks at looks at let's [Music] then you may not even know why you had do that I have nothing to add [Music] I'd like to yield the remainder of my term to my opponent the interest of fairness pleased if reading makes you smart then how come when you read a book they have to put the title of the book on the top of every single page in a book does anyone ever get halfway through a book what the hell my reading oh it's right at the top I forget again oh it's right there yes I do yes I do now that's good I don't want to have to go all the way back to the cover know what I was raining didn't know what I was written does written some didn't know what every page why when you go to the movies they don't put the title on the top of the screen [Music] Planet of the Apes okay I was seeing all these eggs and I'm thinking what is going on it's a planet of them okay if the whole planet is of them that explains these eggs bring it up I'm bragging because I did some writing for that movie the remake of Planet of the Apes you know I didn't write the script or anything but I wrote some lines that they ended up not using you don't know if they're going to use them or not I wrote one line I thought it would have been perfect I don't know if anyone saw the movie it's the scene where the ape general comes in and they're trying to decide if they should attack write down or wait until a little bit later and I wrote [Music] yeah but they didn't you all that research you know movies not going to be good when the reviews they pick for the ads are like from really obscure publications you know terrific says the Hoboken Auto Trader thumbs up says Chang's Chinese takeout menu if a movie makes it really big they do the obvious thing right they make an amusement park ride out of it I've seen this all over the country Batman the ride Superman the ride and the connection is obvious you get off man it was just like a movie only the movie had a storyline and characters know the middle more like a roller coaster [Music] what in the hell does that have to do with that motion picture they've tried a lot of movie rides some just way too scary you know JFK the ride [Music] I would never want to be a movie star me not that I've been asked remember there was a plot to kidnap Russell Crowe that's true it was a kidnapping plot for the life of me I don't know how anyone would ever come up with an idea like that some guys in that is checkbook you know trying to pay bills honey I don't know how we're going to pay this vaso bail oh yes I do Moses spark they got that plan rolling we're getting crowd how you going to pull that off you like Navy seeing that a public Eve an excuse me to me mr. Crowe so what if I get an autograph yeah all right you got a pen in my van [Music] kidnappers look I don't know I don't know enough things that's why I hate going to parties because everybody else seems to know stuff you know hey you're supposed to mingle around here we walk up to a group at a party and then you instantly find out they're talking about something that's way over your head I never know what to do in that situation I wish I had to say I don't know what you're talking about may I still stand here let's start doing it is that a party and I walked up to these people and they were talking about art and I don't know anything about art so of course I said oh I love our well what museums of event Oh I have to go home now I could not think of a single museum name and I had just released I love art like a flock of doves I don't know what to do I'm standing there and then I remembered I had read about a museum in France or something so I figured I'm lying anyway I might as well lie to get out of that first lie there's nothing smarter than that technique like well I was in party at the lover do you like Monet I loved moaning fact I spent a lot of Monet when I was in body what your favorite Cezanne winter do you like Francis Bacon I prefer Jimmy Dean pure pork how do you decide if art is any good cousin Charlie you know realistic art you can tell because you can compare it to the real thing and there's a painting of a bowl of fruit hey there's a real bowl of fruit that's a great painting I look just like a bowl of fruit everybody agrees and you move on and I can paint some through [Music] but abstract art who decides oh that's good or not like Picasso he puts two eyes on the same side of the face and if I were judging I'd have to take points off Pablo look around does anyone have two eyes and the same side of the face now hence the low score and people say well that's just it Brian he sees things differently well then he shouldn't be painting I want to give him a camera because he's not even close on these images not sure if that's open-minded I'm trying to be open-minded as I get older I'm trying to do things I had never done like I recently went to three different ballets and I love trying to learn how to like those a little bit three different ballets and now had like the same story so I wrote a ballet I'm going to submit it is the ballet I wrote this man meets this woman and he wants to marry her but he can't marry her because she's already getting ready to marry somebody else so they all dance around for a couple hours I put in parentheses do a lot of that up on the tow business they seem to like to do I've been a one opera which I liked I just didn't know what was going on I got another language or something so I wish I would have an interpreter come out between the lyrics so you could follow the story you know like the big guys at their party rivo he kind of likes her but she's really not paid attention to him or anything um some of that is better radiator I wish I knew in another language miss I studied Spanish growing up in Miami Florida but I never saw any of the phrases applied that we learned we never went to downtown Miami where the older Cuban men would play dominoes drink Cuban coffee and smoke cigars they weren't saying the stuff that we'd learn in Spanish class you know that are many books and their library [Music] the tractor is red I have a canary and it is little which is with a canary flute a canary they are pretty I remember taking Spanish test when I was in school I would just take all the English words and add ode to the end of them I got an F oh you want to know or I'll see you know because you're getting situations if you don't know I recently went to the Burger King drive-thru and I got talked into buying a franchise in Pensacola Florida let me know what happened at the window um I'd like a hamburger would you like to throw in chase with that in Pensacola you yes I would glad I had a coupon 50 cents 50 cents I don't even know English I had a guy come up to me after a show weirdest thing ever said to me he goes you must pronounced every word in your show if that is not the epitome of hyperbole trying to learn stuff man watching TV doing everything I can think of I've been watching these la shows the real law stuff I never understand when they say a no-nonsense judge presided over the trial a no-nonsense judge as opposed to what a typical judge I guess who starts a trial okay I would like to begin by spinning the propeller on my beanie you may have gathered I am a nonsense judge if anyone says anything that makes sense all over roll it the hell are they talking about I know judges are not allowed to give out cruel or unusual punishment cruel of course but unusual me who's to say I'm sure some judges have bumped up against the line on that one for your punishment I want you to place a slice of Bologna upon your face cut out the eye holes I should have put on some burlap shoes go to the local mall and begin yodeling Jackson your honor better and you're going on to thank her my 10 days in jail know the lamest crime is loitering loitering you imagine a guy with a 30-page rap sheet that's all it says on there loitering loitering loitering Floyd or employ look at or equal or in poor guys got nowhere to go fluttering [Music] what do you do with a guy like that throw him in jail we can't go anywhere loitering is something really a crime when it's remedied as easily as alright move alone and on the other end of the spectrum I think the most horrible name for a crime has to be manslaughter dan can you please change the terminology [Music] can anything conjure up anything more hideous so what are you in for [Music] [Music] [Applause] would you in for loitering I'm like you man I live on the edge they're like you gotta move long and I'm like I don't think [Music] I was looking in the yellow pages under attorneys you know they take ads out and they list the things they deal with I saw two ads right next to each other one said slip-and-fall the one next to it said slip trip and fall could you trip and call the wrong guy I trip and I fell we do slip and fall yeah trapped we do slips slip and fall I remember I slept that first I remember thinking hair predominantly slipping and then your trip yeah we don't do that some law firms deal with DUI then aggravated DUI you know why I pulled you over yeah yeah I know why you're pulling me over some law firms deal with the loss of limb you know which might be a legitimate case but none of them deal with addition of limb I mean I know that would be unusual but who would you call I went into the hospital and they accidentally put an extra arm in the middle of my chest we do loss of limb the guy that took it from behind he's going to call you in a second but can you help me let me give you a number to a malpractice attorney do you have a pen you're holding a pen and a paper and the phone Nabby so do I serve jury duty one time and they would put us in the jury box and ask us questions and if the lawyers didn't like your answer they could kick you off and send you home one of the questions was have ever been the victim of a crime I realized very quickly everyone's trying to get out of jury duty so everyone's trying to top each other so they get kicked off it's like a game show I'd never seen anything like this number one have you ever been the victim of a crime yeah was mugged three times twice at knifepoint and once at gunpoint and I had my car stolen from my driveway and somebody took my pet from my yard and somebody smacked me and that made me cry okay all right I got you all right number two have you ever been the victim of a crime yeah was mugged five times three times at knifepoint and one time at gunpoint and another time at another point and I get carjacked everyday when I want my pets people don't give it out people are always hitting me with bricks I'm always sobbing and weeping uncontrollably whoa hey all right hang on number three have you ever been the victim of a crime yeah mugged seven people I stole nine cars no victim a victim Oh talking about game shows I like watching them and my favorite part is the beginning when the contestants come out and you know tell you a little bit about themselves like their only real moment and sometimes they have something interesting to say and the host never asks a follow-up question it just kills me number one tell us about yourself my name is Eugene I'm a scientist I'm very close to isolating a gene if I'm successful I'll be able to cure every disease known to man alright ready to spin the wheel you don't want to hit a zonko or you're gonna hear this whap whap how about you number two my name's Toby and I gots a dog I really kind of don't get what's on my TV set I'm not sure what they get some of these contestants true or false Pavlov's theory proves inferior beings will respond to a bell [Music] i watch too much TV man I've been watching these cooking shows trying to learn how to cook haven't learned anything yet hell anyone would like to cook if everything is already in pre-measured glass bowls it's a very easy recipe just pick this up and you dump this in the pot then you grab this I don't even know what this is but you slide that in there I'm going to get my career here to stir this while I drink wine I want to see a realistic cooking shown we come back I'm going to spend 20 minutes rummaging through all my drawers trying to find my measuring spoon you don't want to miss this and tune in tomorrow and after 45 minutes of preparation I realize I don't have any eggs which mean that kind of stuff and on the cooking shows there's always a finished one in the oven check this out isn't that beautiful yeah what should happen in my house can't find anything I got flour all over my face [Music] [Music] [Applause] so good berries bar Jenny preferred one a lot of weird shows I saw this show about mules and donkeys I had to watch it can you turn that on and the host said everyone knows mules have a terrific sense of humor part of everyone what you know I felt stupid so I called a friend up like it random you know hey Joey this is gonna sound like a weird question but do you know anything about mules well I just know they have a terrific sense of humor I need to say goodbye how does everyone know this how does anyone know this and then I realized they must have done a scientific test otherwise you wouldn't have the audacity to make such a claim they must have tested a mule sense of humor they probably put one in a stall but a TV monitor in front of them you know and it's a scientific test you have to have a control so they probably start with the gym lair newshour just make sure he's not laughing all the time and gradually fade up Caddyshack you know now this mule has a terrific sense of humor lot of weird shows some has to be said about these people who claim to talk to dead people I mean that whole thing you know what I'm talking about first I don't want to step on anybody's beliefs but well here we go if you have a personal communication with someone you lost it's very valid I'm talking about these people on TV because they're always doing it in front of a group which it shoots the rods right through the roof did anyone here lose a friend or family member or know someone who did or hear about something like this on television you did in the mezzanine yes I was getting a strong signal this person passed on recently 25 years ago that recently then I'm going to be extra sensitive getting an M the letter M his name was Bose Zephyr mr. Bose Zephyr he died of natural causes yes he was shot in the face by a bazooka so naturally he'd be dead I saw a TV show the pet psychic cut psychic I have to get in on this racket um something about a bone does she have a bowl or a dish we have all your credit card information I was watching this thing on TV about Pluto former planet Pluto got kicked out Wow how embarrassing getting kicked out of that group how did that go down Pluto come on in how to say so how does thing I have to do around here Pluto I'm going to cut right to the quick you're no longer a planet [Music] well the best we can figure you just big nothing [Music] can I still go around the Sun feel free [Music] [Music] horrible thing to be told that was decided by the planet definition committee it's an actual committee to get together and well you can imagine the wild times they wear their colors your tattoos born to define foot hit I guess there's a guy with a gavel okay everybody focus I know everyone's excited a lot of actresses last time Daphne can you read the current definition of planet [Music] I appreciate that input [Music] we're in the middle of a TV thing I'm going to back up a second [Music] Daphne can you read the current definition of planet I don't know it is so I can't do her part very good not sure what I'm making fun of I don't even know what it is and I like space stuff man they always say we're looking for intelligent life on other planets that kills me they have that qualifying condition on there we're looking for intelligent life like finding any life anywhere wouldn't freak us out totally we're looking for the more intelligent type it's like we have found people on Neptune but I don't want to be insensitive but say we stepped off the lander then turn as a bunch of we're from Earth we're looking for intelligent life - goose - that's a negative Kirsten good luck with your hopes and dreams [Music] you had 12 people on the moon ever since we've done that you get you hear about people to get upset about little things in their life and they blame the fact that we've been on the moon for their problems as if there's a possible tie-in you know like if their phone cord is all tangled up they can put a man on the moon but they can't make a damn phone cord that wolf on top they can put [Music] maybe if we never did that they'd be happy huh there's no phone cord driving you crazy [Music] we haven't even had a man on the moon yet why would I let something like this bother me letting life's of bullet cherries I travel with a childhood my wife sometimes we're at a comedy club recently and sometimes when they introduce you they play music you know he come out to music and my wife is in the sound booth and the sound guy asked her what kind of music was Brian like and she saw BG CD I've got nothing against the Bee Gees but she didn't know why they were asking so she goes I think he likes the BG's is the song they pick please welcome Brian Regan [Music] everybody confused I like being married but why is it okay to slam husbands on TV commercials I don't get that the wife is always out front in the commercial my husband is so stupid he's in the back tangled up in the blind do you see what I endure why if you were lying face-down he wouldn't have sense enough to turn his head to breathe that's why I do his thinking for him like buying him these muffins dude how what do you know he's got a tiny dumb little husband brain he would have no I've known anything like that on his own men and women we think differently about some things you know that's good we're equal but different and I'll give an example my wife and I have a good friend who got divorced about six months ago and neither of us had seen him since his divorce I went golfing with him last week first time I'd seen him since then I get back from golf and my wife goes how scary I don't know I thought you were going golfing with Gary today I did and you don't know how he's doing I never really came did you ask me to ask him no I thought maybe you would think to ask him that I didn't take it out well is he dating anyone how would I know something like that were you two in the same golf cart you're kidding me you were in the same golf cart for four hours and you don't know if he's dating anyone I know he's got a new driver how is that possible that wouldn't come on how is that possible that would come up 150 markers right there you're probably at about 135 are you dating anyone [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] you guys are great thank you all very much hey have a seat man appreciate y'all come out thanks for making me feel so welcome here tonight really appreciate that hey y'all doing okay Wow so uh what great anybody know what that means I know you're talking huh Dora Dora this book we have we have children now so I watch my wife and I we have two beautiful kids so I watch a lot of Dora the Explorer

Channel: Erik Stephenson

Views: 70,265

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Id: 5CWiqbb2cU8

Length: 50min 32sec (3032 seconds)

Published: Sun Oct 23 2016