Best of Tom Segura Vol. 2 - The Joe Rogan Experience

hello freak [ __ ] and I think I learned from that experience I enjoyed the experience of being on ecstasy better calm down was just way too brutal alright this is not good for you I think [ __ ] like chemicals that man-made stuff that doesn't exist in nature though or you know LSD sort of does and yeah Hawaiian baby would drove seeds and some some other things you can actually give it a rock the GHB no her that's bought fun I heard that [ __ ] is really dangerous III od'd I was in a coma really yeah yeah yeah what happened I I took what's up on campus oh it's so dumb what I did I took I took ecstasy and then I was having some drinks like I probably had like four or five drinks which is you know like liquor great really and then I was like I don't feel this ecstasy at all this guy come over you're by the way I'm a freshman in college so 1992 so then he's like I got he's got a gallon of GHB in the back now you're supposed to take like if you take a nap then we take a like a water cap yeah that's that's what we did we would take it like this you'd pour it into that and just that's it and then that's it yeah well he has a milk jug so he gives it to me and I'm like he's like here just take a swig well and it's gone I look back on it I realized what I did to it was just like out of like not wanting to be rude basically like politeness almost killed me is that I opened it and I can't you couldn't it's too heavy to like you know a milk jug just as like a thin little cap right right you can't fill it so you're trying to like well how much so I realized I went like this and I realized there's too much my mouth there's there's six cap fulls in my mouth oh no so I'm not gonna spit in it what he's going to sell if I spit it out it's like I'm spitting fifty dollars on the ground right swallow it oh my god and I give it back to him what kind of an [ __ ] has a [ __ ] milk jug of GHB oh yeah so yeah man and then I [ __ ] continued drinking and that's the one thing about GHB is you're not supposed to have any alcohol with it like not even a drink so you black out you go into a coma yeah who says what do you remember I [ __ ] I remember all the way up until like moments before blacking out like I was hanging out I was I realized I was like [ __ ] highest [ __ ] like like perma-grin like I and just like right like why we should hang out man like buying drinks with like just being a [ __ ] [ __ ] and then I remember I sat down and and then I backed out and my sister was at this ball we were on a bar my sister was like he like everyone's like just let him sleep it off and she's the one that [ __ ] called the ambulance like they had to you know and then I woke up with like tubes and all kinds of yeah yeah it sucked who's really suck don't overlook on GHB is not fun yeah be rude be rude but I should have been put on the ground man yeah I've never [ __ ] with that stuff I've never float with cocaine heroin here's the thing too about GHB is that in its real natural form like when what it really is it's like you know it can be regulated it's just like as an anesthetic in like parts of Europe but when you buy it from like street-level people it's obviously it's [ __ ] with like right people will spike it with anything though well even if they didn't spike you you drank so much of it right oh yeah I was in fun is fun but still he used to sell that [ __ ] at GNC yeah yeah I was young for body builder bodies or whatever and that was kind of the thing like when you when we started like I used to sample in stuff you would use dude it was under the guise of like oh I'm lifting weights you know so you gotta [ __ ] get to go you [ __ ] up over this way listen wait oh that's hilarious yeah so shows now like The Honeymooners that's a window into another time yeah sure they watching Lucille Ball watching The Honeymooners The Honeymooners every week Ralph Kramden would threaten to beat the [ __ ] out of his wife yeah not just occasional yeah every [ __ ] week he would like pow yeah right to the moon he would talk about punching her in the face and knocking her to the moon but stop just starting to think about like culturally how crazy people worse not that long we need to understand what a giant chain has happened in our culture when I think one of the best ways to really document it is to watch old shows why is what they would they accepted back then and watched the except today there's a newspaper article I just saw from somebody posted it I think on Twitter and it was it was they asked they pulled a guy as an old newspaper article guys whether it's okay to spank a woman and the answers they pulled like five or six guys there's an old article and they were all like absolutely like she needs it especially is out of line and she doesn't she's doing you just trying to help her and this was a newspaper thing with her like see guys yeah it was to make you feel okay about spanking yearly I tweeted that oh you tweeted that yeah okay I don't know I just saw an art like I might have retweeted it be the way I definitely tweeted it I thought that was hilarious hysterical yeah if a woman needs it should she be spanked the best part about it was retreated the three yeah it's so [ __ ] funny why not Jesus Christ if they don't know how to behave by the time they're adults they should be treated like children and spanked that ought to make them grow up in a hurry if it doesn't at first they'll soon get the idea this is incredible look at the idea hey yes when they deserve it as a barber I've got a lot of faith in the hairbrush oh my god I think there are certain cases when it is advisable when it is there's no reason why you shouldn't go right ahead and do it I can't knock the idea in my business a man sets a lot of the sub store sets a lot of store by the results he can get with a hairbrush properly applied nice little smack now here's the counterpoint no sets a lot of store maybe weapons a business term back time man sets a lot of store are you ready for the counterpoint yes okay there's none everybody is well the best part is everybody takes the point of view look at this guy parking lot attendant from Brooklyn you bet Eagle L you bet you bet it teaches em who's boss a lot of women tend to forget this is a man's world at a lot of men who stepped down as boss of a family wish they hadn't spanking might help get back some of the respect they lost look at Teddy look it's Joey Diaz goodbye doctor listen [ __ ] spanking up they want it William Davis what is Williams the toy factory owner yes most of them have it coming to them anyway if they don't it will remind them of how well-off they are I subscribe to the theory that an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure holy war look at him look at that evil looking [ __ ] looks like Rutger how's brother Wow does he look like Rutger Hauer and Robert De Niro [ __ ] kind of evil I don't think that one holtzman oh yeah it does a little like Olsen imagine that guy spanking your wife let's see what the other people's not does that last one yeah that's awful did you check out my special bombing episode that I air no you told me about it we were talking about it before the podcast we it's funny where it's almost three hours in we were gonna we really mention it for two hours in um what the [ __ ] happened you were up in Winnipeg a little Winnipeg I was doing this club that I've done many times go rumors so old club it's a good club and it was a Saturday night and instead of like regular comedy club crowd it happened to be like private event people like a group of 80 we're doing their corporate party you know I mean so it wasn't like it wasn't individuals buying 1 & 2 ticket rights just a giant group giant group so there was like three groups one was like 80 almost 60 so you don't like it's more like you're doing a corporate like you're doing a private event you know and I talk I break it down if you if you want to listen to it's episode 172 of your mom's house and I play the audio from this thing falling off the rails and I mean it is like there was a lady who worked at the club she's been there 20 years and she told me she could have never seen [ __ ] like that even close to that before what happened it was I mean I think it's like a combination of things happening to make it fall apart that way basically I went up there I had one guy in the front row who I [ __ ] you know you just hate somebody and you fixate on them because like this one guy who was like kind of mumbling talking tagging my everything I so know like yeah I bet you'd like that and you're like what what did you just say one of those guys who I [ __ ] absolutely lost my [ __ ] I didn't lose my [ __ ] on him but I kind of tried to straighten him out and then there was one of the groups one of the groups of like 50 50 60 people was like being super loud in like the first like really talking about and I went to talk to them they were kind of like just like kind of shitty about it and the thing is like it's different when you when you do a regular show and you let's say you go after somebody or you go after a table you're just working on five people maybe right a group that like but then everybody else in that room has nothing to do with them right in this case it was more like mob mentality where when I was like hey go [ __ ] yourself then the group is like I'm talking to us yeah not you're not just talking again you're talking to my group of 80 so then it was like no [ __ ] you like but in in unison is all of them and then it just went then I tried to put it back on the rails which I was like I'm sure I can done this a thousand times let me put this back together [ __ ] you Matt like it was like there we go and then I you dude they were booing in unison for like 15 20 minutes the 80 people at this point it was more than their group so it was probably 200 people doing that oh my god yeah so is their group and then other groups chimed in and so yeah booing you two unrelated groups yes yes whoa it was pretty crazy and then they're like bring back the I had a black feature actor like bring back the black guy like screaming that screaming it man and it went on and I here's the thing I resigned to the fact that it was so crazy mm-hmm it was less ammo you know and I talked about this on that episode then your standard bombing when you're bombing and a regular bond where it's just not going your way you start to sweat and you're like man this [ __ ] sucks where is shooing dicks up here but like and that like emotionally affects you this was different in that I felt like their response to me was so outrageous like I felt like it was unwarranted how's that they were that it affected me less like I was just standing up there I was like alright guys here you ready for some more jokes as they're booing me you know like not as I wasn't as flustered as I've been during a real bomb yes so you were just dealing with a giant group of [ __ ] yes a school of [ __ ] yes swimming through your pond yeah exactly why didn't the club do something about that that's that's the only part I like I take responsibility I try to make it clear on that on that episode that like I take responsibility for yelling at a guy for insulting people like I'm saying I put it on myself that I made things go downhill the club takes responsibility for kind of not really policing and they like the one part is I tried to I told the guy that he had to go I was like you have to go you're gone see you later and you know I've done that before sometimes I have to do that right you're out of here man right and then they were like the club came and they're like just give him another chance he's going to be good now I was like I've already thrown him out like there's no we're not negotiating now right so the club asked to keep the guy there yes so happy to do that I don't know but they they now realize that that was [ __ ] up like I've talked to them and they're like that was that was some people you can give a second chance I've most likely most of the time I've asked clubs to leave people alone like there okay there okay yeah yeah they just done I've done I do that'll say that I'm like yeah you can't yell [ __ ] out too confusing I've done that a bunch of times like he's okay right but this time the difference was this time I was saying get him at him out what was he saying he while this is gone he was it was the [ __ ] he was the mumbler the the tower rhinock so we had our first interaction we had another interaction I think the third time I said something to him I was like what the [ __ ] did you say I forget exactly what he said and then I was like oh you're a tough guy he's like you want to step outside and find out and I was like you can go outside because you're out here you're done get out of my [ __ ] show it's my show right out of here and they were like what and his table he goes we all go go great have a great night get the [ __ ] out of here I don't need you here that's when the crowd with the problem we felt like we were discussing what happened I was talking about it with the club the guy is that a lot of people in that room didn't hear what he was saying right today he thought I was just attacking a guy for no reason right that makes sense but I still take I was an [ __ ] that night but that's you know the guy was clearly he was instigating it yeah he was a [ __ ] [ __ ] he was a real [ __ ] of a guy and I didn't like him at all and you know III don't think that like like I always say I I don't have to be like pleasing to the different like you know I'm there doing comedy you came to see my stand-up if you want if you're not liking it that's cool but if you try to take over the room no well it's not just taking over the room it's interfering yeah it's interfering interfering with the performance and it's there's hundreds of other people yeah that have to deal with the fact that you have to deal with the sky yeah yeah it just it's it's all in how to do it and not lose your cool and when you lose your cool yeah so it's a [ __ ] bad scene yeah terrible feeling - it's crazy and the audio is in sane I mean you've probably not heard a longing like that yeah it's a different it's not like a standard bombing I mean there's there's a lot of aggression from the crowd on and how does it end well the best part no because I also was bummed at myself for not I was like hey you know you always look at moments were you like I wish I had said something funnier here right it was an opportunity to be funny really you know so I was like a lot of it I was like I was like ah you know I really they won like they defeated me I was like but the only funny thing I said was like at one point the manager came up to this stage and he was like are you okay he was checking he came on stage it was like because it was so crazy and easily all right I was like yeah he's like do you want to keep the one I was like yeah he look okay so he leaves and they're like yeah that's right get them because they think he's telling me get off stage right and I go I go he asked me if you guys wanted me to bring back the other guy and they go yeah like they screamed yes and I go I told him you guys want more of me so here I am for more jokes and they're like there they go so crazy at that for these are Canadians - yeah they go some of nicest people ever but in the very end the lady who was running the one of the private events that night like she brought her group there mmm she was in tears she was crying and they brought her onstage they're like she wants to say something and I was like oh cuz my plan was just right stay here the entire time no matter what talk about recipes that you wanna try and just don't change them yes right she gets up there and she's like please I know it's done fundraisers here like I really wanted this to be a good night I see like how like she's a right way affected by this please give him the respect of like some just your your time and like just let him talk and their likes too [ __ ] late for that [ __ ] it like they're going crazy oh right and I see her like just like she's defeated it's like someone was beating her up right you know and I was like oh my god I go you know what this is 35 minutes in right - what's supposed to be like a 50 55 minute set there's 20 minutes to go I was like you know what um I don't I want her to have a fun night she like she like it affected me right he was so I was like I'll tell you what because you're a nice lady in love like I'll bring back the black guy so I brought the black guy back onstage why they went [ __ ] it was like I said ladies and gentlemen Chris Rock yeah then he went crazy Wow suits all you he was like oh my god I can't believe people actually like black people here he was so excited does he have any more material yeah yeah he had me his name is odd I should give him credit to his name is a tricks that's his whole name yes like silly rabbit tricks are for kids yeah Wow but I mean like you know he got guys can pull it off they could pull [ __ ] like that office TR I ha ha double X I think so that's on what episode of your mom's house 172 all right it's a it's a it's a it's a fun app what you did for putting that audio up it takes balls yeah I wanted to man I was trying to and there's tricks he did a good job man I got I totally give them credit cool there's that nice that site that like I go to sometimes for that like can I handle this effect you know you look at your lesson because people send in their stuff all the time sometimes like I can that's crazy into something like whoa whoa whoa I can't handle that makes my pothole pucker I do like the fart stop cause some guys sign on my girl got yeah I was a guy and his nose was wet certainly and this girl's butt crack and then she saran wrapped his hair I should have but and ended errands and the cue watch around the kitchen it's like turn the sink on in terms of his farting and yeah are you like oh you like yeah I go dirty Park huh yeah I like anything with saran wrap the faucet is funny exact lunch sack lunch this guy that has saran wrap diaper on and he just did the camera just pans on him and he spreads his cheeks and fills it with diarrhea [Laughter] but it's good yeah that's good just like I always find me on what is good I just it's the sound it's a timing Oh Phil de facto panthan just there and then it turns ever so slightly spread and the sound it's just something about someone relishing a woman's farts like holding up the cheeks where there's no tall yeah we talked about it for a while and then the people wrote in people wrote in that we're into it you know because we were like Alex and I'm they were telling us they're like yeah it goes back to like a pretty girl making something dirty you know goes like oh my god so imperative like so they this guy he wrote in that he was like my nice gross fiance like you know nose is cool and like whenever she has to fart she calls him over and he gets so excited he loves it even love come on how strange people these are so strange the variabilities of what people are attracted to it just it's so exhaust you know we see like people that are into people that are so obese they can't get off the couch hmm there's God turned on by that feeders yeah I think you dumb love that yeah they're wild and then there's girls who they have that's a whole business for them is like they set up a camera and they're like alright eat cheese and cookies get in this I got into him and then you they just you get to watch them you know gain weight should have done that's their whole thing or takedown should have done that like the great item a [ __ ] comedy senator well she's my brain to make a living I should have cokes just [ __ ] bag yeah I've been awesome I just I did saran wrap a guy's head here so great larious so fun does this guy crawling around and she does her stuff yeah it's in the kitchen or just follow these those like sliders on his mean it's a really good idea we should suggest that word maybe we played a lot of keep I'm gonna email this guy well I have these omnidirectional sliders that are work out with that do abs with them you know yeah lied you do this way glamour them I do all kinds of different [ __ ] yeah you could put those on the guy's name just fart or all around the house long it looks hardwood floor there you have you seen King a strippers work um excuse me I'll do him up yes we bring without a lot offered a money anyone yes just because he's such a create a shy way to talk me look again and maybe the glass one of your powers King a stripper a stripper yeah hairy and gross the Lord of all farts and gluttony he makes videos oh no that is him yeah he a sir well pleased about volume that's still no it is moving it's not real oh go to rip and mastered fart yeah go to riffing 100 cuz he has an opus this is just one of many some of his pants yeah he does it's getting grounded Joe hundred ninety nine thousand yeah how many [ __ ] stand-up bits online of one hundred ninety nine thousand nine hundred and each do the glutton Zoe maybe without a thing this is what they are casinos know about him we stated work forever look how Brown is get back there charity I obviously isn't making money from this he should be making millions does he have abs if God is making money pits well here's the thing tongue does you have as I love you just checking everything else uh mad what's in the Mike she likes to stage the scene with all my god [Laughter] like we got Martinez underwear drawers dude okay he's got some that are so Brown it's clear that [ __ ] I'm talking about what there's a box there's a criminal intent hairy gross slob is his [ __ ] yeah he oh my God look at me [ __ ] many on the I was hundreds of messages so many but he has to go to Leslie's not much sausage gravy Gluck is healed Pete's watch you get to watch a meet oh my throw up yeah it's hard to watch on time so I was coming to the service his Christmas one should love [ __ ] Christmas special yes yes well we uh we found it was his lively account is he has a lot on live leak from YouTube because YouTube will take him down so lovely a little nervous it's just not apparently maybe you think it gets flagged a lot on YouTube and online leagues live looks like bring it on Jude mom sees it what is do you know what is my son being exposed to those mothering muttering right well we're talking a lot about crazy letters lately over parenting young well this is my version he was a parents an event yeah this guy's maybe was too much maybe maybe like rebellion right now hates mommy-magic his mom finds out about this I think he lives at home still because we've studied the videos and it seems as though these are like prior to that location there was one that was of just a bedroom in a basement and I think he actually did live with his folks and we've deduced that this might be like a fetish thing because it's gluttony and then farts and he won't answer any other tweets yeah people just bombard him with eating because you put an email and one and we were on our show or like everybody unlike nervous so if you can get to the bottom of this we'd really appreciate I don't want to because I'm terrified one day he'll be in here and the farting in my [ __ ] burg anomic chairs the family the family thing offers because on the Christmas one you can tell us a family home yeah there's stockings up and he farts in every stocking so many goes that's where you get food King a stripper for Merry Christmas King a stripper nice toasty I'm probably going to die probably Oh something wrong was : theory to and people have also brought about the theory that he is uh doing that pushing air in there you know cheating like he's cheating I don't believe that time like Phil himself with air and then farting it cuz there's you know edits between each fart I would assume that he can't fart rapid fire that Loudon I mean you'd you'd have to be some sort of a bag of wind like a bag but having seen her right like Oh sometimes maim regular fresh like Oh tell me your fart smell like sounded like last night I thought yesterday I you know when you stay away from seafood for a while and then reintroduce it there's bacteria in like you know that's different than shellfish and sushi and I I thought when I yesterday I farted it sounded like somebody was throwing up like the part sounded like a guy going on you know i-i've only shaved my ass one yeah but once I did oh my god my fart sounded so different really though they were like wet and sloppy or the hair kind of different oh you're the hair in your ass literally changes the way your fart smell or sound rather right smell the smell the same but they sound different - wah wah wah ba-bah clap something tells me King a shiver doesn't shave that's a whole new Harry I could get in touch a whole monstrous that guy cuz he led you dating their guy no he doesn't have a girlfriend never girlfriend know yourself is YouTube like add video money then then you get to hooker and just go down like farts honor right guys like no I hate it I'm a [ __ ] loser my videos of people oh you wouldn't be him right well what is oh you don't have the Internet shut up what the [ __ ] that's someone's baby swimming a little baby Akina that's what you have your son maybe your son could be our son for sure could be our son my very close you're kidding like take the throne the new the new king how the hell did the new king I want them to go toe to toe I hope you take the Camilla they get to the next level yeah it's like what is it about farts oh they're so hilarious the best it's they're never not funny they're never not entertaining because they're so taboo you're never supposed to do them in front of strangers the smell the sound everything everything about it is in line and the people the people that allow them versus don't like it I think that's all rooted in if your house was it was okay with farce or not in the last and we had none growing up so that's why we're Eurotrash so we loved farts right poopie Thomas farts Oh was it talked about in your house no no no my house was lacking in any sense of humor oh really yeah no one was funny no one knows funny no one had any never everyone was like don't be a loser stop it being a loser really stop being a little bit dumb it was always you're gonna be a loser your grade soccer gonna be a loser see I'm still coughing from the fart supply part I literally almost threw up when he was eating the ham the hot dogs and sausage in the gravy like saliva was coming to surface and my throat now I'm dealing with you should see the one sometimes he farts on what he's going to eat five meals little Debbie's 12 of them and then he's eager like alright and he turns around like mo fart on him and he and then he heats though he's gotta be eating some of his own [ __ ] right girls perfect video where he gets up bucket of KFC and dips every fried piece in Mayo and Google said guy that's rude that's so crazy is apparent that it's all wrong I'm all wrong in every way I do kind of look there is a time where our listeners thought that I might hit him hit this away and jaemin literally almost threw up he hums well there's a there is one we want to drive anything there's nothing gross about this description but one time to do that eater he's like I got eight sausage and egg McMuffin specific and he's a stallion he's like these are 250 calories yeah and then I got egg and cheese 300 calories nine of those you do the math because we want you to know how many calories eat it but he's not that excited just know yeah yeah just could got on him yeah it's not like he doesn't have some sort of Ralphie main thing going on like remarkably obese sadly that guy lives his life like absolute [ __ ] every day and I'm fatter than him he definitely does not give a [ __ ] ever and it's not that out of shape but you think that's an act I mean maybe he's like some customer service representative for like Toyo tires or sometimes now like Joe I might agree have I not watched many of his films and I've gone over the data the footage for about parenting we've we've had like a long time with King he claims to be in Michigan by the way he claims he and Michigan go how long has he been doing this it's been a few years yeah so do you think he tentatively dipped him his toes into the pool of ass fart videos or did he just [ __ ] decide he's the king he calls himself he's looking from the jump though I mean did you go back no librarians earlier videos where he's like I challenge anybody to fart like I can't like really he owns it you know he fart on his haters yeah he's on all his haters here shows his face - yeah he didn't work yes yeah that guy gets recognized yes do you think they eat like one days at Golden Corral and then like that's you White Castle King getting shrimp nibblers and came here I I say I'm gonna go out on the link here I want to go out on a limb NSYNC and say that I don't know if he's all mentally well I think you know I think it a big leap I think if you do a pro you like you can he's like like the ice apartments on you you pardon my face lessor good great salads I think I would like to go in Algeria like bar Tommy will be Masood I can't fart bigger than you any day like that you know and having to be like oh yeah I'm the king do name it's not well what if you can only fart on his own what if I give you challenge him he just locks up oh alright interesting yeah maybe disengage right Wow it's why he does it alone in his kitchen like on his date somewhere and he doesn't respond to the emails let me ask you this if that guy put on a show somewhere like he had a small club like baby buddies in Chicago mm-hmm some 150 Caesars yeah do you think he could fill a place you think you get a hundred people in there I would endure two people to go well it's really hard I would buy a ticket I can make some money if you had fart like that all the time he can make some money I mean that's why I like into contact though we could have him open for your mom's house podcast live yeah no you couldn't he [ __ ] on your [ __ ] microphone here it is sorry no and you try to clean it up and do your show audio obstreperous wrong okay I'm starting everybody with itself [ __ ] oh we thought it was going to be cool this guy [ __ ] where [Laughter] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music]

Channel: JRE Clips

Views: 1,252,232

Rating: 4.8254519 out of 5

Keywords: Joe Rogan Experience, podcast, MMA, UFC, comedy, comedian, stand up, funny, JRE, clip, favorite, best of, Joe Rogan, Your Mom's House, Tom Segura

Id: ZXENopx_eF4

Length: 34min 36sec (2076 seconds)

Published: Sun Jun 18 2017

Reddit Comments

[u/natepow666]

I like how he had to clarify, ".. they juan, like, they defeated me"

[u/whyjesus]

Juan for Juan, and Juan for all.