Tom Segura | This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von #213

today's episode is is one of the funniest men maybe in the planet and maybe even on other planets we don't really know what he's doing with his spare time you know it he's the one of the wonderful hosts of your mom's house podcasts he's he's a conspirator he's a comedian and he's a he's a confidante I think give it up for our guest today on this past weekend is mr. Tom Segura [Music] [Music] little bit I was too bad logo somebody I know did that really do you start to get amazed it like the the level of fan like you know it's interaction you get from your listeners that's like unbelievable and then sometimes a real [ __ ] all-star will send you something where you're like holy [ __ ] like song we have a lot of song submissions yeah so the people sometimes [ __ ] around on like what's the call like sound SoundCloud yep no the the at the Apple one you don't talking about you can't think of the name but anyways you GarageBand and you could tell that it's like you know they just loop some once okay it's like but sometimes I got music composer will make something and you're like Jesus Christ this is like a you know a real song that you may know yeah that's what I do like choppin or like a Mozart or something somebody's like wow yeah it's impressive an artist - I'm most impressed with the artists and I think a lot of like the the Photoshop people are oh yes that comedy content collective is like a group of them together dude so funny they make you know memes videos oh yeah they're so funny hat goes to one guy yeah sent us a bunch of hats um you know so sometimes they make you know they'll make [ __ ] for us some guys made me children's clothes well I've gotten some strange stuff sin in you know neat things some things are great like you know we got a guy that sends these these candles that's great um yeah and sometimes it gets a little wild like somebody chiseled something into some deer feces or something like in a certain place and brought it oh we got some poop some dried poop yeah I don't like well I mean so nice when people bring you things but when you're on the road and they're like I have this for you it's a six by four foot bat carved with your net and like yeah I got fly oh man yeah and they're like yeah they don't think Apple I'm like I can't bring this if I don't like it I'll take it because I'm not I'm gonna bring it right if I really like I'm like will you please ship this to me dude yeah because I'd like to have this oh that's nice oh that's a good that's a good way to think to do it but ship ship the thing if you're if it's a big right like a yeah oh yeah if it's real big some yeah I'm trying to think of interesting things it's definitely some heavy stuff that's been the craziest thing yeah some guy did a bronze bust he said it was of me didn't look kind of like a black me Cana mm-hmm which is fine yeah sure and it's uh but I wasn't ready I would go Latino before I go black that's me personally but I was you are parlor to you know right but I go full talking about having a pistol being on a [ __ ] animals back you know I can drinking aloe vera do ya [ __ ] wagons okay okay okay for life but yeah yeah yeah me not a mucho what yeah I was told you speak Spanish I'll speak enough to survive and probably I speak enough to work in a kitchen I got you but but I'm practice a little salad and you're like yeah okay yeah more like yeah poor low style more more salt yeah yeah yeah teacher honest a did ya see way yeah and a violencia too but but I would love to do a tour like in spanish-speaking countries if I'm able to get my Spanish good and well enough would you let me go on tour with you in a spanish-speaking country I'm trying to organize and yet the answer is yes and I'm trying to organize it for sometime 2020 do like a few shows yeah wow I need a couple more years then so I'm talking maybe I'll do it then too but I mean yeah three but like I did a Spanish show here in LA mm-hmm and and I tell you I haven't been that nervous since like 10th like ten years ago you know I mean because I was like yeah and I was like I wrote stuff out I said you know write [ __ ] out now you just kind of go up you know little notes but I was typing stuff out rehearsing and I was like and I even had a part where I really stumbled you know but the advantage is this the advantage is like I was on on a Spanish speaking show and everybody is a native Latin person so then they're like oh this Americans coming up so then you actually buy yourself favor because they're like you're not supposed to be able I say to do it you know so I think that helped me with the crowd is they're like this [ __ ] I could see that white boys gonna do it I know and then you start once you start and you hit a couple jokes they're like hey it's great you know it's like I don't know was it was it did you feel as masterful or and not to say that you're a master but I mean you're too obviously you're very good at your craft you've worked really hard do you did you feel as a like a proficient yes no of course not no as scary which is like but that's kind of the exciting part yeah cuz I was like I kind of knew how I was gonna start but then you know in English if you stumble it's just something about your own length you can recover make fun of yours like and if you're not my Spanish used to be like I would say 9 out of 10 almost 10 out of 10 right but I mean like oh that's better than a lot of Mexican people I've met here in LA no second generation no yeah totally but I mean when I when I went to school yeah like in Spain and like I'm going to classes and writing term papers you get I was dreaming in Spanish you get like really proficient duermo huh yeah exactly swear though good luck okay that luck sweat day is like yeah oh yeah that's when you sueño yeah yeah yeah but I mean when I came back from that I was on I was on the most proficient level I could possibly be at now I would say you know maybe it may be on a good day it's a 7 out of 10 because it just diminishes if you don't use it yeah so that's that's the tricky part is like practicing it to a point where you feel like I mean I'm good if I go do it I'm gonna be the American doing the show there yes right so they're already gonna be excited that you're even trying exactly I think that that's that's a big event and if you were to do it's the same thing they'd be like an American person's coming here to do this so whatever level you're at they're gonna be like you know now even if you were like kind of not great at it I think it would even be even Valerius yeah Wow yeah that's so yeah that would be so tough to think like okay now I'm just gonna go what if you get halfway through a sentence and you're conjugations back it happened on that show I did yeah they kind of forgive like they get you're trying to do it yeah because we've all seen foreigners do English stand-up right I mean at the store you've seen yeah and you're so supportive you're like oh wow they do this and then if they [ __ ] up a sense it's funny because you're watching a comedy show oh yeah like he's saying it wrong actually becomes part of the joke yeah yeah yeah people love that yeah yeah I would love to be I think I think I would love to be Mexican I don't if I would love if you love to be Mexican yeah what do you mean it just seems like like not like incarceration you know what I'm saying I'm not trying to go deep deep no no I'm trying to go like kind of safe safe Mexican you know safe Mexican yeah which is like kind of I would say kind of near where the Dodgers play I guess somewhere you know Park yeah yeah yeah but yet level yeah but Echo Park like in the actual like in a or Elysian Park right isn't that where they end up playing that they're the police yeah yeah I don't know it's near Echo Park though the lesion yeah um but yeah I would love that I think some like I would do I would go black it's too dangerous I think still for me to be black yeah yeah you mean if the option was there I gotta be black in Seattle right that's easy bro I know what I'm saying like it that's yeah that's [ __ ] for sure but like Houston yeah has be riskier yeah then you get to like Biloxi or something oh yeah no you get to Gary Indiana and then it's do you remember being a kid and being like oh my god I wish I was black like when you cuz when you're a kid you know first you'd have no idea that Pete like I remember my first best friend we're talking like five years old yeah and it was black but I didn't make the distinction that there's really dick you know I mean like you don't right point it out and then like you turn I don't know maybe it's like eight or something and you start having interests like music sports and you're like oh we [ __ ] suck yeah like I'm watching football and I'm like how come nobody that I like looks like me yeah you know nobody like it was Jerry Rice yeah and Deion Sanders I'm like who that where's my gun they're like this is uses the basket yes yeah Michael Jordan like no one's us yeah who's us oh this is always a guy like standing there like this you know like guys are a guy that they mock yeah and make a [ __ ] fool of cross up when he's like oh yeah and you're like that's Mike that's like that's who you are you're that guy or like football I remember watching college football it's like you know you watch all the good games like ACC SEC get and then then they're like you know we've seen the BYU they're having a good year bunch of white guys like it's all slow and [ __ ] yeah like there's no [ __ ] high seating on the TV like what's going on there's no punt returns yeah just like sensible blocking like four yard average runs like this [ __ ] sucks some of the players even have whistles you're like this this seems your own yes yeah there's no and I remember being like that's what I want to be I want to be black yeah I remember thinking let me think about that it's so interesting man III mean I think that I sometimes I feel like that black culture doesn't realize how how much a lot of white people want to be black well yeah but that what gets twisted up in that too is that and I can and there's a good point to it I think right is that we'll say or you'll see you know why people feel I wish I was black and they're like you wish you were the most right the coolest parts of being black right right but like you're skipping over all the [ __ ] that we deal which is totally legit right right they're like you don't deal with like being profiled or followed to restore being like are you buying something like that all the [ __ ] right the institutional racism is just kind of built into society yeah they're like do you want to deal with that part and you're like well no I just but like not as much the [ __ ] dunkings looks cool yeah it's cool okay that's really you're never alone kind of like if you go into a store no one gives a [ __ ] if I'm in there yeah you want to be profiled well I want to be cared about it's like one of the reasons I think I kind of like surgery and stuff because we like what then I like surgery like surgery yeah are like surgical procedures you know do you like watch them I mean I've watched someone the internet but I watch I like going and being a part of it you like being present at a surgery yeah on my cellphone yeah you're a [ __ ] or on yourself yeah I like well first one not gonna do my own surgeries you know no you shouldn't yeah people have oh dude I got enough with this girl one time I let her try to cut something out of my hip and she said she could do like surgery small I could take your appendix out basic [ __ ] yeah of course she was anyone that agreed so did she cut you oh yeah yeah really cut into this thing on my hip yeah it's now it's actually scarred up pretty bad I'll show you it just you tell crazy but now it's got me oh [ __ ] but it looks like a cyst is it oh I don't know you're not gonna ask a real doctor I've had enough of medical profession have you ever I went and watched 13 surgeries in a day once oh my god so I was like 14 years old and we had this science project and they were like what do you want it to be and I was like like ever rich but I was like no I I go I want to be a doctor so I was a freshman in high school I had no idea obviously what it takes to be a doctor okay you were tall probably I was I was like a doctor actually tall aptitude I was like I was only like an inch or two shorter than I am now and like 40 pounds less when I went to the doctor like to the hospital to what they were like which medical school are you in I was like I'm a freshman in high school so anyways they set it up and they're like this kid once they all thought that he must be like really smart if you wanna be a doctor I was a [ __ ] the 2.0 yeah I just thought like it sounded cool so then they they go in and they take me to surgery start it like 6:00 a.m. through the afternoon and I am like almost puking in somebody's thinks they're like we're gonna remove a cyst from this lady's vagina she don't say anything cuz she's awake she's only like below the waist we've you know and it's so they go in there they're like all this like a record-sized cyst come take a look at this and they poked it it's like shooting possum it was this Operation Desert Storm do this is like the weirdest place you went to the Mayo Clinic in Jacksonville so this is like one of the prestigious hospitals in the country that's her at the end of the day I was like I don't want to be a surgeon I don't want to be a doctor it was it was rough man having in the stomach for all that [ __ ] is like [ __ ] I mean I don't I definitely don't have it yeah yeah I mean I don't pass out and [ __ ] like that but when you see a 85 year old [ __ ] expand it and I was from in optioning puss you're not like I'm ready what's what's next it really takes you down let's say I love that the doctor pulled me aside he's like don't make any comments I was like like what he gives you like a Sigma Chi handshake yeah trying to think of any good like jobs that I went to be a part of we used to do um I spent most of my life working at pizza parlors you know what did you really oh yeah like making delivering all that yeah top to bottom I worked yeah I worked top to bottom in the industry I worked at one out here you did yeah in the valley on Riverside Drive somewhere oh yeah and yeah it was just like you know to get some extra money and I remember one day like we had this whole system right like they get your pizza then I walk down the thing and then ring them up and then one day this lady we've been doing this for a month she's like do you not like wash your hands between getting the pizza and exchanging cash I was like nah she's like does your boss tell you to I was like nope this is a you get whatever is on my head I want that cash touch on my feets it's pizza I want a little of that voodoo in it how did you start in the pie my whole family had worked there a lot of people in my family had worked there that's pizza place yeah it'd been kind of a little bit of I guess a generational kind of spot and uh and this place is called BJ's pizza before this you know now they have that BJ's Pizza house that fancy wants to change everywhere yeah yeah yeah this was just a freelance BJ's you know and a lot of people that worked there were alcoholics and if you're running a pizza parlor it's you know yeah that's strange yeah to have some Darryl ex-mo popular item oh yeah yeah dude we had this one guy and he was always doing methamphetamines and all that you know he was on uppers and [ __ ] side splitters he was on all of it yeah he would show you just a big you know like a open wound he had and [ __ ] he was [ __ ] up and he um but he could make pizza so fast you know cuz he was on Huck was a good pizza I'm never gonna wear it in the middle to me it was wet in the middle yeah the crust was a little wet in the middle that outside yeah was pretty good yeah thin crust right yeah it gots it definitely got that in the middle where it was wet on the outside yeah pretty strong do you like thin crust oh yeah I can't handle all the crust as an adult I know or a deep dish and like I want to just give me a loaf of bread when I eat a loaf of bread in front of you that's Brendan Schaub was like really the deep dish hunter is he you know there's a Crocodile Hunter if he were if he would be the deep dish hundred yeah when he goes deep on eating it's wild big [ __ ] guy like that I bet he can really go deep cuz imagine in his hand a piece of pizza doesn't even like it's like yeah yeah peanut yeah it's like uh lancing are people would say you know yeah on that do the hand yeah crazy huge yeah cuz he will sometimes text at night and be like hey you know are you how are you doing Fitness wise and [ __ ] on my just cuts yeah and I'm like that's when I know he's kind of spiraling oh right now he's like am i doing enough yeah is my partner out working me right now let me make sure that other people are suffering right now yeah yeah so I can feel okay yeah that's so funny those guys all think like that too Joe's like that if you do something I've brought I swear to god one time I brought up two jobs like it's like three years ago now more maybe like four I was like yes our YouTube in some like grilling videos you know like these like grill master guys oh yeah I was like yeah so I got this grill and he was like oh really and like we had this conversation but a couple months later he's like oh I got like meat thermometers I'm like and then like he's posting now he's like a grill master I swear to god it was me saying like guarding it I'm gonna start grilling stuff and like learning more about it he was like that's interesting became a grill master yeah yeah anytime any like super competitive do you say it's like D'Elia does that yeah Taliah does that I don't gotta uh yeah what was that doing I had one like us the snow cone thing or something in a couple weeks later he's [ __ ] he texts to me about him about [ __ ] snow cones and dry ice and that kind of she's like I bought of [ __ ] yeah for my house I got this big I don't know somebody gave it to me yeah - anyone admit he bought it oh right right right that's that's a big thing that's his thing - yeah just it dropped from the sky you know have you seen Dumbo drop he's like you know just big there's a snow cone machine just somebody gave ya forget who that was a guy yeah okay yes sure what else man dude Theo gate was pretty wild huh you know what he can't even more of a excited about it you did I gotta know what kept me more excited about it oh it was me yes really yeah and it was good cuz i a lot of times need to feed off of other people's excitement sometimes it bull excitement is contagious yeah he's a good point it is like 1/8 I mean you ever like watch a sport an event that you don't care about but you realize everyone's so excited you're like I guess I'll watch this oh yeah I mean I feel like that like during like the World Cup or something you know I'll talk about this but seems like half the world does going on yet some guys that face painted like with house paint yeah that's not gonna be that's gonna be a while yeah no Thea gate was fun we actually have this great we've been working on it for a while behind the scenes mm-hmm piece of like conversations with the text messages and like piece by piece so it'll be like a I don't know if it'll be a ten-minute like in-depth look at the whole thing I like this it's fun it's fun to do yeah yeah so do you like have you found that you know obviously podcasting is created like oh it creates like a world where you kind of have to become like more like a producer and like a creator yeah yeah did you ever think that you were that kind of person really or has some of that kind of amazed you as you've like kind of walked into different now put on different hats but but kind of really like like I'm I've always just been kind of like a you know I think just like a confusing or can just kind of a trouble kind of comedian kind of guy and then now it's I got more responsibilities stuff yeah no I think so I think I've always wanted to to do more and it's like having having like the platform and the like the resources and the staff to actually try and do these things like it's it's more fun I like it more I feel I feel like it's another creative outlet just like sometimes you know like I love doing stand-up it's the most fun but sometimes you're like I want to do something creative that's not exactly that one thing and I think that podcasting and like doing these videos and yeah as part of that yeah I mean like even like I told you we did that we did a document oh yeah about this guy with the head huh yeah that guy's a pervert huh yeah yeah he's really perverted so I sent one of our guys to New York to interview him and they put together like this half hour interview slash documentary on him Wow but like that was that was really rewarding to me yeah because like I like the story I like the story of like we played a video that was sent in from the internet and then you know two years later we found out that there's a real like we never imagined that dude was around yeah and then we found his profile we contact him we have him on the phone on the podcast and then we send someone to his house I like the whole the whole word now it's like alright now this person is like yeah there's like interest it shows that there can be interest in almost anyone's story in a way if it's absolutely if somebody else it's like if somebody else cares and other people will care even just like you're saying like watching the sport kind of definitely man absolutely everybody has the story this guy now has like thousand thousands of Instagram followers and yet he's still he's still running his his main message which is like he wants people to come over and [ __ ] him yeah he's like a lot more open kind of but an of age like Gerry Epstein or whatever that guy's name is yeah the [ __ ] Jewish kids dick or whatever yeah that guy that guy's a real monster the difference is that this is a guy who likes grown men yeah oh yeah and he's willing just to let you live with him if you will [ __ ] it's crazy I know the best part is that so they interview him and then at the end Josh comes with he has a bag and so we got we have like merch for him like we made this shirt and this shirt and he's getting the shirts like handed to him he's rolling his eye he's like that looks cool he's like rolling his eyes which i think is hilarious and he's like thanks then Josh said we bought you a laptop he's like oh he takes the laptop and he gives him an iPhone and he's like he's like can you set this up [ __ ] set up your phone and then finally that gives him cash and he's like thank you and he's great but like the whole thing's fascinating you know yeah it's a random dude who has a story yeah I like it yeah you know that is interesting it makes me well first I'm gonna tell you about this kid Jason - who I made pizzas about so don't forget yeah yeah um so he was on uppers right and so I couldn't even afford up resistent back when you had 545 an hour you know for 75 they would put a different post or something on the the guy will put a poster that was from a decade earlier for the minimum wage on it and you [ __ ] forget by the way don't forget this but nothing pissed me off more than when I was in college and like our suite mates like guys who lived across the hall oh yeah would order pizza and like not tip the driver and even weird poor college student so I was like dude you don't get these like I'd tell him to keep the change but the change is like 28 cents yeah like what do you tip I'm like give him a couple bucks man and they were like the people fixated on no tip for the pizza guy I thought it was just the most garbage thing you could do yeah yeah it's crazy that yeah that's crazy that uh that people don't tip I would rather tip sometimes more than the meal even I do that now that I can afford it even especially it's like that's the person I'll always give money to especially like when you order like out on the road you know I'm always like have looking for a breakfast place oh yeah go there yeah not excite loved breakfast so it's like I'll get I'll let him breakfast - I'm lit coffee you know a brother and the total is like 11 bucks yeah so what am I gonna be like well me calculate you dollar 60 come on no no dude you [ __ ] yeah is nine bucks brother yeah of course well this guy was on uppers dude I would barely have my pizza made right my dough out and he would have his [ __ ] folded into a [ __ ] like a macho malloc and a swan you know like he would have his folded in like a like a Sherman tank and I'd be like he could just he was so fast with the dough but he would see through the the matrix with oh yeah he was just the uppers would even help him oh he was a dude if he was alive now and they had Instagram and he also might be alive yeah but if he if if there was a way to know if he was alive or not yeah at a mass scale mm-hmm he would be a star man because this guy could I mean he would have a cooking show or something do you like the cooking shows I don't watch any of that yeah that's more for women I think okay watch somebody [ __ ] cook woman lay in there her hungry brother what is this Guantanamo Bay yeah my still it just seems outlandish prom night okay ladies here I'm gonna watch somebody putting a recipe together do you wanna see like some high-level chef do some [ __ ] you don't like that no I don't watch but I think no no I just feel like but I I love chefs but I I I always have that thing I get overwhelmed at choices oh wow it's a lot of times I come on like I get a pull up Netflix you know and I'll be like that looks [ __ ] cool and it will be like a chef's show and I'll see like the trailer but then I'm like yeah I got to see what else though and I end up always going to what almost feels natural you know like a crime thriller oh yeah no then I'll be like that's just what I want to watch yeah yeah I go into this crime thrillers a lot um what we talking about that was I was so Billy comfort to remember you talked about him rip Billy conforto right yes he died in the embankment yeah so he was a buddy of mine when I was young you know he was uh you know I told you a little bit he was a busboy basically the pride of what is it Lucerne uh from Laplace as a plus yeah he was a fighter he's one of America's first homosexual fire not fire fighters Fist fighters what yeah so he could beat anybody's ass do it and we know you as a fight in the in the he was a professional fighter he was semi-pro I think like he beat people up like in the area you're saying he was the first homosexual fist fighter by far the name one really yeah not even openly gay dude who beat somebody's ass brah no there's probably not I mean he would give you the shirt off of his back I mean losing no joke the nicest person ever met him when like they would see him five people though oh yeah he'd go to clubs and people would start [ __ ] anyway just beat the [ __ ] were you in a lot of fights no I was in a lot of fights I got beat up by some black guys a couple times but I wasn't in like on a regular or like circuit or anything yeah and he would but he could fistfight dude and he sold weed and he was just my buddy kind of like took me under his wing you know yeah and I thought one time he gave me a couple sohma's and tried to make a move only one I remember and I was pretty much on conscious but it could have happened something could have it could have happened but when I asked my inner spirit did it happen it says no it says no but here's the crazy thing is so now like we got t-shirts and stuff made of him so I'm a surprise his mother I'm really met his mother what are you gonna do I'm gonna just you know we're gonna take proceeds from the shirts and just go do something nice for right that's nice so I'm gonna sit down with Ronan like you realize how many people care about your son yeah how about him how long ago did he die probably 16 years ago probably and it was it there it was yeah in New Orleans her in Laplace he does his whole family got pilled up and just straight-up drove in the [ __ ] like they were you know my whole family's from Louisiana right yeah yep really mm-hmm well then why don't you want to do the wall and everything it's funny yeah it is pretty funny I guess yeah it's funnier now now that what that I have even more jokes about it I really go in yeah no but uh yeah they're all they like the the joke starts with a real conversation like the the bit that I do about a conversational guy from Lafayette and asked me like are you from down there and I'm like the [ __ ] out here like I you know in the joke I'm like no but the truth is yeah there we are yeah Wow we have our whole lineage traced back like like 1730 so that's it when we started down there yeah so we like we found the dude the actual think that the people who we actually have genealogists do it damn it was like and nineteen years ago yeah they hired these guys so this was like before 23andme and all that [ __ ] was like a dude had to actually look it up yeah and he did a presentation at a family reunion oh yes and it was like so 17 you know 30-something student am Francisco Segura comes to like Spanish Liberia and everybody's like oh this is closed down by Lafayette it sounds like yeah and he's like we're like oh this is cool and they're like and he killed this guy and that guy was like all right sounds really cool man and they're like and he started this business and when I got school he's really successful like that's interesting like and then he left his 40 slaves to this person or Wow getting a little hot the one mixed but mainly one mixed kid ever family yeah the mix baby stop shaking rattle yeah but they're all from there yeah Wow while dude's you're kind of a Louisiana comedian Louisiana and Mississippi a lot of in down in Mississippi damn dude and then Louisville a lot of people move oh yeah it just keeps getting Wilder ya know southern people yeah man so you're really that's where you're from I mean you know laser more Midwestern but yeah yeah we're from down there and you yeah we did Gary Owen and you're out of Cincinnati yeah I've never met him you haven't never met Gary no he doesn't seem like the kind of guy really that probably likes to meet a lot of other people either really I don't think so that's the vibe you got like it doesn't seem like he's gonna stop over to say hey yeah it's kind of like come to him and say hey what was it like it was it was cool I mean I'm not a fan of Gary he just he definitely seemed a little bit more like come say hey to made then I'm gonna come say hey to you I mean that's fair enough I guess but it's fair he's been doing it a long time yeah you know it was very well yeah really locked down a lane to one of a kind yeah I mean he's yeah he's like kind of like the athletic bill burr you know is it is he like super athletic like he dresses like he is so I bet he probably is lots of Jordans and sweatpants and [ __ ] yeah orange has a couple like white towels hanging off from it all time yeah really leaning in yeah yes yeah he's definitely uh you know he's sort of that uh yeah he's got that he's kind of that dark ginger fire mm-hmm mm-hmm I feel weird about claiming places because I move so much yeah so you know I mean like I left since Annie when I was nine so it is my hometown yeah a place but I left I was not you don't really feel like an attachment to a place yeah not at 9:00 especially those years after years like nine to eighteen those are really your something yeah I get attached to and even in those I moved so it's like you know yeah I feel like when you whenever you met on whenever you met your wife did you know that of that like oh this is gonna be my wife or did was it no no we were if we were we were both like new comics right and we we got a question right here very related well taken this is actually Gary Ellen he doesn't seem as athletic as ha I'm a huge fan Brandon Paris from Georgia here by the way Devon do you guys never come to Georgia for the love of God at least go to Atlanta is a big place people I've been there so there's tons of fans here anyways my question is just got of a long-term relationship we were married thought she was the one apparently not Tom when you when you met Kristina I know you knew I think for quite awhile before you actually married her how did you know she was actually the one that way I don't make the same mistake even though my last relationship I wouldn't say a mistake it happened mmm how he calls them relate his marriage a relationship that wasn't a relationship that didn't work out my wife I'm in a relationship with this house and this lady in this cat in these future plans how do you not know um I don't know man I mean like well people make a wrong decision a lot of the times now but ultimately you still just trust your gut on everything right it's a feeling it's like a feeling I mean yeah but I think some people's guts are less calculate well you're not callate definitely right did you know they like did you well you said you were friends for a while so I was friends for a while but did you have a sexual interest why you guys were friends well I thought she was attractive obviously but I wasn't like I knew she was dating somebody oh oh yeah I mean I don't let go like I'm gonna try to pursue someone in a relationship yeah you know I mean so we would just see each other at shows it was always just like I liked her friendly cool but I mean I mean I didn't go like hopefully you break up soon right it's not like even a voodoo dolls or any of that Wiccans I got a phone call from a friend of mine who was like she broke up with her boyfriend so I just swooped in a friend years who you paid to sit outside of her apartment yeah basically yeah so yeah do I want to live man so those guys yeah brilliant got an idea yeah they got your back man so he told me what was that come on come on over now player so ya swooped in I remember you know she had more attitude like she was like had you know when someone's like sometimes broken up they got kind of a [ __ ] at it yeah I really like that oh yeah they're like a bad attitude you know not like permanently but I I don't like like hey whatever you want to do it like [ __ ] like that immediately like I'm not so you know you got you got you gotta follow your dick in in all of those decisions like so whatever excites you you have to at least pursue hmm and then you see where it goes and then you know you're in a relationship I mean I struggle with a lot of that yeah so it's interesting that you in a relationship now no I date but that's about it I met I ran into you with a girl thought it was a while ago remember we went at that taping at the calm no no no Vegas oh yeah yeah that was a girl that I was dating you're hiding her yeah and so she and I still kind of date you know but it's like my biggest thing just commitment issues you know I just don't want it just really scares you I don't know if I can live with somebody like those scares me at a level that like what scares you about it just right now you've been saying it makes me feel uncomfortable I don't know dude if I knew man I would know you know yeah so I don't know you do you have any interest in having kids yeah I think I do you do that's the part that kind of keeps me inching over yeah cuz I lied I think people who say you know like because some people legit aamir like and everyone I have kids I think makes it makes a lot of sense to stay not necessarily single but like what you know why I feel like a marriage should be like if you want a family yeah personally obviously do people do ever they want but I don't know why you would get married necessarily if you don't want a family yeah kinda I'm a that's my thought yeah no I mean you're just like no I just I mean I guess if you're like I have to legally lock this down right then you can but I think I think family if there's land issues or something like that sure yeah you want the deed yeah I signed but other than that I mean I don't know I I feel like this dude has to it's hard it's it's you know if you like you know you said some people don't make that right choice I think people end up knowing when they are that person and if you are the person who doesn't have good instincts you have to learn to not trust your instincts we're allowed to do right which is still also learning your instincts so it's not only having these things but learning them yeah yeah what it's so do you you feel like you'll be a lifelong bachelor type for now I don't know I don't see one of my biggest fears honestly is getting married or something and then but knowing them as part of my brain that I might get out of that and so like then why even get into it in the first place that's that's smart to not act on it then like if you're thinking like that yeah and also might just mean that you're not just ready you're just not ready for right now yeah I think I might um maybe this not really well maybe like three years from now you'll be like oh my god I definitely have to get married to have a kid yeah I could I could imagine like that that that kind of changes in you and it might just be the person you mean that's the thing is like I still think it's a feeling you might need a woman who completely transforms your thought on that and the idea of her getting away just completely cripples you and if that's the case you're probably gonna be like okay let's get married yeah I mean because you're just so crazy about it but you were asking me [ __ ] like do you guys sleep in the same room yeah what yeah could see that would be another thing if I was here when your dad my mom were together alive right did they sleep in the same room no they didn't sleep in the same really yeah my dad's up on the couch mom slept in her room so maybe I could be why part of that Tim is definitely why I say yeah but yeah just if you sucked on the couch it was comfortable to him yeah I think so okay he was out there you know like he didn't act [ __ ] I'm out here you know I think he kind of liked it I wouldn't want to sleep in the same bed as my mom you know why I just wouldn't want to I don't think like I wouldn't mind it for a nap or something but I'm not staying in there all night and you don't think a man that's married to her would want to know because but it's something about your mom I think yeah she's just not the kind of lady I would even play that into it next door that long with my eyes closed and [ __ ] think everything is in a [ __ ] month oh really yeah I could see her crazy temper no just kind of like you know making a choice in the middle of the night that you wake up and feel like oh this is something maybe you should have consulted with me on even really yes she's just kind of like a go get it kind of lady are you close yeah we're pretty close these days I think about as close as we can be talking a lot yeah we talk about sometimes it's more like listening you know it's like yeah you ever notice that with your parents at all yeah sometimes I do not want to answer the phone sometimes but I just do it just because like I know I have like a responsibility as a son like you know she's probably lonelier than I am you know she doesn't have you know that kind of stuff my dad too will be like just like yeah and then this and that and he's like all right well I love you I'm like do I get to say anything like something back okay I was I wasn't ready Oh what he's like what do you what is it like I just thought a conversation would be like more back and forth he's like okay and then I'm like so yeah I mean your kit your grandkids are good and then I'm like all right man he's like art buddy I'm like just you know that's Carrie it's like two down like they just want to get something out I think do you think sometimes there is definitely a moment I noticed I can find conversations where where I get like nert like yeah at the end of the conversation like I don't know what to say or it's like if somebody's gonna say I care I don't care I love your oh right you and oh yeah but that depends on who you're talking to right yeah but it's weird like your brains kind of playing this mental kind of hockey almost like air hockey it's like it's like what do we get what do we do right here the weirdest one and came down is I have a friend Roman who will like he'll be like all right so you won't have dinner yeah be good what time I think seven when do I meet at 7:00 he goes yeah hangs up ho-ho doesn't do any type of there's the you know I mean like it like you'd be like all right so I'll see you then all right bye like there's no ending he just goes so sevens good click Wow and you're like oh did something happen yeah I'm like is he an is yeah all right wait are you is that how you end phone calls yeah like what what made you not say bye he's like I don't know we agreed on 7 like yeah but I mean that is a bold move to just be like it's like Marty McFly kind of [ __ ] right like I mean isn't that strange maybe I'll be there yeah do you end [ __ ] you don't end phone calls like no not like that some people will even do texts like that how does 7:00 sound and you'll say good and then they don't rip right back right it's no you got to confirm yes yeah yeah yeah that if you're agreeing on the time alright see you then yes yeah that's that's enough yeah I got a phone call to be like I'll see you at 7:00 that's crazy that's right great I mean that's like a general telling what to do okay yeah man that's so brave it's like yeah it's almost like part of Call of Duty or something yeah oh what's that at your door I wonder if it's a Eclair or a sugar treat could be some steak meal or something wonderful that you want it's been a long day you know maybe your boss he got upset at work and threw away your videogames or throughout your foot lotion well you can change that you can change your vibe and you don't have to cook for yourself today this morning tonight because 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didn't believe me I did not not believe you okay yeah and that's Gianni laughing he thinks things are funny I believe I don't know what he's got this energy and I didn't want you I which is who there was people who believed that I hadn't seen that video I I cannot I can't I mean yeah at this point I can imagine how gullible some people but like all kinds of people like oh [ __ ] you see Tom react when he saw the video then I'm like you didn't get that that was a joke yeah like I was like what the [ __ ] is this and they're like oh he's gonna flip out he's gonna legit but there's you know I read an article the other day there's an estimated eleven hundred people in hiding in America from y2k that have no eleven hundred that's how gullible like it just sang on that framerate like yeah there's 11 other people hiding under [ __ ] you know a Hardee's or hi you know we have no who think there's nothing up here anymore like when you think about that level of gullibility existing yeah yeah yeah it's it's you can get people to believe anything it's crazy yep yeah yeah I always thought the whole thing was silly with you guys yeah I don't think that video was weird at all I didn't think it was weird at all I mean I thought it was just you know kind of nice she was kind of taking control of the interview a little bit and I mean and that was it I saw that thing like I don't know years ago I was like and like what why would I react to that yeah seem silly did you feel upset that I didn't try to make any moves on your wife no okay I mean I've always thought that she was an attractive lady yeah I never yeah there was when when they when you guys in the green room I was like that then she was like this somebody was like what about when oh and you guys were on TV on the same show or something oh yeah it's like I mean that was 20 years ago I don't know like Wow no but even if you had I'll be like that's 20 years ago like you can get mad at someone for something they did 20 years ago yeah wouldn't be fair be ridiculous yeah but yeah I never I just want you to know there was never even you know I've always thought that she was in a track like I'm ever seen on TV when I was when I was you know in college and stuff did you ever hook up with any of the and after that on TV into the cast around the reality show um yeah I'm sure I got a couple hands yeah think about it was so long ago yeah eight seven sixteen years ago now seventeen eighteen years ago you think was just Handy's back then I think there was some older given woman that I kind of had sex with I think one older woman that I kind of had sex with yeah that's kind of the story of my life if you like older ladies no but this is what a biggest age gap you've ever had oh I don't know probably um besides when I came out of my mother probably yeah I would say I don't know man maybe forty eight so nine years that's not that maybe this lady's 48 now and I'm 39 so maybe yeah because at some point it's almost like you're holding a bag of someone and they're inside of it that's what I don't like whenever someone's old yeah you don't talk about that coming no but I mean I keep going next time you hug somebody that's old uh-huh grip him in the back with both your hands okay and like and they're gonna really hold on in this game they're gonna try to get away a little and that's nature that's human nature because they'll feel the grip yeah just as a human nature when somebody grabs you from your back you taunt you want to it's an escape yeah nature right yeah so you're gonna feel that and you're still gonna kind of it's almost gonna feel like you put somebody in a sleeping bag and the bag and they try to Ronal and that's how you feel like sex with older women is like yeah hey it's kind of rude but their skin gets kind of loose you know Johnny you look like you've been with some old broads what's the oldest youth oh that's so true isn't it let's get when I was 16 I hooked up with a 45 year old woman that is yeah how was it how was it guys crazy yeah yeah even if somebody was molested brother yeah that was it was it great yeah it was kind of great at the beginning and then it got kind of weird towards the end I had a similar thing kind of weird toward the end in court that's why I was older than you but I was still like 20 21 and this lady was in her 40s Wow and it was not good and it wasn't good why you fell in love no I was [ __ ] blackout drunk hmm and the I mean I've said this before on a pot you put like when I woke up I woke up you know he could come out of a blackout and you're like I don't know where I am hmm I was looking out a window just looking into a backyard and I was like I have like you know when you ever wake up from a black guy oh yeah I don't know what I'm looking at right now I was like it's like flowers for algernon and get read that book no isn't gonna like that a little bit yeah I think so thanks good he's like it's good description they thread it I just feel a hand I feel a hand know on my abdomen and I'm like like I look down like what I mean because I was that like really really black bad and then I start you know you start to have little little pieces of it come alive yeah yeah and I hear her like hey sweetie like how are you feeling like what the [ __ ] and I turn and I'm not exaggerating I've said this and it's true it looked like Bill Belichick in a wig like it looked like a [ __ ] kind of a smokey a man who smokes and works at a diner or something Wow I was like holy [ __ ] and she was like I'm gonna take a shower and I thought I would thought she's gonna say [ __ ] no I thought I was like I'll split right now like oh and I realize I'm like picking my clothes up from all over the house and I'm getting dressed I realize about to walk out the door like I don't know where I am and I also didn't drive here yeah so I just have to wait in her kitchen for her to finish shower I'm looking at the fridge it's got report cards no hits like sixth grade I was like oh [ __ ] man I'm just like waiting for her to come down I was like did you feel sad like do you feel like I'm trying to wander some of the feelings that I would probably do you feel like ashamed yes because it was like a mom like when she realized that no I felt I mean I felt a shame because I can only remember bits and piece I started to come a little more alive but there was definitely things I didn't remember at all you know and like I was like oh man you know cuz does it feel good to come out of that and then like she was so hideous no I was like was she strong at least it was there what are some like Regina quality she had a she had a thick traps like yeah you know she could she could do shrugs oh yeah but like no it wasn't a gun yeah I remember you know what I said big hey do this hell yeah she could do this I remember that I was a big fake either like rocks oh yeah they were rocks I remember I was going down her name go balls yeah going down and she remember her grabbing my face and going you don't want to do that maybe your ex-husbands ashes were down there I don't know it could have been a lot of nasty [ __ ] down there it wasn't good men that was there maybe she had something her belly button she don't want you to see I would have never thought of that and I liked that way more way more like how hits ya ya know you'll ever find it there would you do that would you do like would you hook up with like a 60 or 70 year old no no I have this like I would feel you know what's interesting to me like it when you even saying like that moment in the kitchen where you're sitting there it's like I would have moments like that and bike man it's just weird how far we all go to like get some type of human connection you know yeah like it's just crazy links and then I would feel like there are certain ages where I would feel like so ecstatic about this is dip and then later on I would feel like oh man feel kind of empty right yes I'd feel kind of empty which is weird could you kind of shoot him because you're just people that want to connect and it's like Yeti go through all these barriers you know or you know alcohol and stuff helped kind of keep the barrier bay but I think ultimately when you feel that little bit of emptiness from a from a thing like that it's a it's a good thing that you feel it right because it's not it's really not how you want to be yes sign yeah it's a good sign that you're not like you know I felt like that I think on other like one night okay yeah it is better when you kind of oh Jesus girls how someone over - one time he had probably five six dogs dude in a studio apartment right yeah and she broke out that cooter bruh and these animals I mean it was like it was Thanksgiving they all jumped up on the bed you know and I was like this is in you guys love the animals [ __ ] we tried to we did our best she doesn't even go like going to the animal at first she kind of like put a pillow like in front of one on Mike he's still gonna know we're [ __ ] yeah of course you know like he's Annie could just put his neck like that like it was a long animal yeah so I just didn't get like some of her but it was crazy man it was almost like being it for like march of the Penguins a little bit mm-hmm you know were you [ __ ] up um yeah I'm sure I've been drinking this is back on you should drink a little so what did you like the most when you were party oh cocaine man did you have a bet like a top three cities that you would go to you know I mean like what you would look forward to you're like that like you know I mean like when you get a date you're like [ __ ] Tempe that's where it's going Oh Tim P was always just a fun place because it was always a lot of girls there what was the best coke place oh I didn't really have I mean New York LA really really yeah it was just I didn't do it for a long did it sometimes up at the Comedy Store and when I would do it I would get off into these two you know it almost gave me an excuse to just get into whatever like I'm her buying a bunch of coke from a dude that had a wolf over up near the R near the 101 and I'm fine he had a wolf this dude had a [ __ ] wolf not like a Siberian Husky no I'm talking like Jack London do like straight off the book you know and this dude put him in the backseat bro he gets in the car I just want some coke his me he gets a call his mom had died during the yeah what do you do you have to be there for them for your coke dealer oh it was so how long do you stay in the car probably two and a half hours dude for your like furniture yeah usually give it to you for free is you know at the anistar to pay and everything but it was it was it was heartbreaking I drove him around for a while I mean I just felt horrible you know he didn't have anybody to call it's almost sad I was like he saw the other side of like I don't know that was the worst man dude I've ended up in a lot of [ __ ] like they they had a guy in high school who went to the senior prom right and so he asked me to give him a ride to like this party after yeah in the car he starts telling me that he wants to move to Hollywood right and where are you this is a high school Louisiana and I Mandeville Louisiana so he starts telling me and then he says that people always said he looks like Damon Wayans right member named Damon Wayans and he is like it's a white guy with like a shaved head it's a white guy yeah he's like people always say I was like Damon Wayans and that's why he wants to go to Hollywood bro and he's like bawling-crying in my car yet I'm one of those shirts why is he bawling crying I don't know he had on one of those shirts with like other shoulder pads and I remember like your mother used to wear sometimes you know like family it was like feminism but it was a shirt yes and it was um dude he had his brow and he was crying the shoulder pads was a bad bad family crazy oh I had so many of yeah of course if your mom didn't of a husband she had a couple of those back yeah no those were those were big big dude ladies and he had that only just literally had to just be that I had to just like be there for him I to sit there and listen and just be supportive you know but and I missed the whole after-party that's such that's from your prom yeah Jesus just listen to him talk about how he looks like Damon Wayans yeah and what's to me now he's never if you want to mr. Hollywood then no I don't think so I wanted to be an attorney I think you wanted to be an attorney yeah so I wanted to be a doctor you wanted to be an attorney yeah and I guess looking back on it I wonder I'm trying to think if there was I stayed in comedy if I was thinking about this the other day because honestly the truth is it provided me an escape I just didn't want to settle down I didn't want I couldn't just be somewhere and I always you know I could date a couple you know I could date somebody and then leave town for a week and then come back and you could never kind of pick up and get enough momentum going so everything kind of started and stopped and you like that I think I liked it I think it was the only way I could sir I could be comfortable what was the turning point for you career-wise special no especially do anything really yeah at all my special did nothing yeah like it you didn't feel any change did I remember well first they had some they had like a group that started that was like go and bash this special right like right whenever mine came out it was like go put you know one star this time you could still star stuff on Netflix you may still be able to and it was like and I started getting just screenshots of this thread or whatever that people had made why they do that I don't know just I mean it was right around this targeted that's what I think I mean it was around the time somebody wrote an article that like oh this is the Donald Trump of comedy kind of so there was like just like a lot of negative stuff you know and and it was an original that Netflix had done but everybody else got like a billboard everybody else got you know put on the front page like there was just I don't know they just there was I'm not saying what was me like obviously it was still cool to have the experience yeah but it didn't do anything it didn't like push the needle anywhere so this did though this is what it yeah podcasting and just then just doing my comedy just you know getting people out to the show so that you're getting a lot of return people you're saying like it's growing from from the live I think it's growing from a live show yeah yeah because the net the special didn't do I remember going to Chattanooga like a month after the special and I remember getting there and I was like oh man this is gonna be yeah my life's changed yeah right it'll be different and I got there and there was like seven tickets sold Wow and it was like and the owner felt bad I think he even felt bad a little bit and like I felt bad because they had you know he paid hot you know uh a little bit of a premium not much but a couple thousand bucks you know like and it was just like man so when did you start to feel the change like what how long ago maybe about like nine months ago that recently wow yeah that's great I knew what nine months again people have been going to the shows and then on like the internet yeah and the podcast is doing well it's hard then and once you start to book once things start going well to try and I don't know it's just it's just different it's like like I always knew myself isn't like an underdog space yeah and then it's like you can't you can't not still be an underdog but it's like it changes once you have when there's people coming out and you're getting you know I guess validation I don't know what are you getting support yeah yeah it's like I don't know it's different it's coming I don't really know who I am in this space not that I have to but it's just different yeah yeah you know so it's I don't know but did you want to tell the first kind of thing yeah I think dude if you got into one relation if you got to know one marriage and you and it didn't work out then you probably have a lot more knowledge than you think that's what I would say no all right you probably have just such experience now like you got way more experience than I do you know what I'm saying dude I [ __ ] you know I don't have that I don't have a marriage experience yeah I've been in you know I've had bad sex with probably with countless women hundreds we're about to say hundreds oh yeah oh yeah dude nobody's provided more bad sex across America than your boy right here really oh I'll put that up against anybody brah you know what I'm saying what I think you do do you play the game do you think you know your number no I don't you know but you don't want to even get into it no I don't I mean I know it's probably a decent number it's probably something British couldn't count - let's put it there what cambro have you seen this little countin thing no no it's crazy really you know this things that kids have with the slide that's how I was a little bitty with Pocket abacus yeah before when he sounds it out and then one time we ate one of the things off of it so now I doesn't even know but the tens really not yeah yeah yeah look the other day I heard him say carry the 40 and I'm like he's he's done man mm-hmm but before we get to another question I wanted to get you guys a reaction on this video of a mutual friend of your guys's Gucci Gucci berry right there here's Nick right daddy oh wow daddy long neck and Gronkowski kind of throw shade on a mom look at him does he he looks absolutely terrified let's see it lets see let's play it again he looks freaked out Wow Gragas [ __ ] massive dude she's not that massive when better that neck you're that next guy something neck is really something but um are you friends with him what come on neck yeah yeah yeah second cousins actually no yeah for real so we're so that's crazy that that's why I felt like Gronk you see from down there some shade at him nope yes his mother's I guess his grandmother's sister mm-hmm is from Mississippi where does he live well like what area he lives in uh Flint oh that's right he's gonna come out to my show in Detroit he is yeah you know you don't know I don't know film or something said a theater he's gonna open the show yeah what you're gonna have him walk out and introduce ya and just start the show off liddie like a titty you know yeah yeah he loves that Wow the problem is the problem is havin people have taking advantage of him two other people took advantage of him he said uh supreme maddie or somebody took advantage of him how did they take advantage of got him involved you know I'm talking about supreme Patti si he's a I mean when I was young it was a lunch lady who's got like really bad acne and like just like breaks a bunch of [ __ ] okay not the human is it human whatever superhuman no he's like this kid who has like a really nice house in LA and he just like oh like he'll run into a store like break [ __ ] and like walk out like one of those that's nice so what a skillset so it's like he took advantage of longneck yeah like got him and do videos was gonna give him some money I got them out and then worth Gucci Gucci Barry yeah I don't know I don't know that guy and I also only really trust him I think he seems nice but he's always with longneck though yeah but some of the tattoos on his face make me feel like I don't know some of his intentions or I don't know what they are okay yeah that's me you don't have a face tattoo I noticed no yeah do you think it's interesting that kids are getting this kind of stuff now like it's almost like our bodies aren't even like the next step is that it doesn't matter what you're you know we'll be wearing like an alternative layer of skin that's what I feel like it's a next level well there's also like people do insert horns beads Jones in their face the horn thing I've always been like you want to you want to tell you one row I know yeah front horn back horns I mean whatever you like man that I don't think there's such thing as it's not gonna matter in effect how you interact with people no not at all yeah it's always gonna be a thing just like now I mean you know writing [ __ ] on your face is always gonna have repercussions yeah yeah but don't don't it seem like you know when we were young tattoos you know or when I was in high school stuff tat if somebody got a tattoo it's kind of a big deal yeah right yeah and then it evolves somewhere you know people are getting these wild piercings and the stretch jobs yeah and then now people are even young people are even getting face tattoos they're getting actually the most like you can't dude it's bad but it's getting more popular would you say oh great any more popular seems like it's getting more popular but here's the thing there's no such thing as it not being an alarming choice okay the only time it's ever you're like yeah like who cares it's a celebrity it's somebody who's like you know post Malone or yeah dude if you're [ __ ] Stadium singing songs go ahead and write [ __ ] off on your face don't care but like if you are like a regular dude yeah you're like I want to work in finance or something you can't have [ __ ] like knives and [ __ ] go bucks on your face she's not gonna it's not gonna work man yeah do it but like you're [ __ ] shut up yeah you can't have a tattoo a [ __ ] of like rant what's that guy's name Randall Sapp once at Warren Sapp yeah yeah you can't have warrants that way I think you're gonna work at that working well far it's a great choice for a tat yeah but yeah Oh Famer man but but to me it makes me think okay well then we're not using our skin isn't gonna be like eventually we'll have another layer that we will wear it'll be it'll be seem silly it could be like in two generations when people are all having a new layer on it like oh can you believe like I can't believe only gonna be sealing on nail it someone's crazy if we run around no ceiling you know yeah and I think yeah it'll be like oh yeah like they used to have just their skin imagine going out every day in just your skin what a psycho right like I will seem like crazy people to them I always think about what people used to smell like no yeah like a just just even even a hundred and fifty years ago what did people smell like you could smell about the menstrual cycle on someone man oh for sure but like also you know in a hot ass day now you you could feasibly be like I'm gonna shower at [ __ ] three times today right like back even that long ago you might not see water to bathe in four days you know 100 degrees out and you're wearing tight [ __ ] oh not like a French [ __ ] you're in a palace I mean it's just like tight velvet [ __ ] yeah because and it also took like an hour someone help you get dressed you're not taking that off no not while you're sleeping in that you're getting up you'll wash your face do you just I mean your Dookie chute had to stay everything I bet they let dogs eat cleaner ass oh I bet ya remember that crotch that crotch froth on like a Mannion day-o like Sam Adams down there it's gonna be nasty yeah man like okay oh yeah like your [ __ ] dick is pouring a with someone with the big head on it the Guiness Guiness yeah yeah like your dicks born again just for your dicks point of Guinness Oh from a block away Oh people would be like who's that that's Kevin there ya see ya yeah he's game on the floor huh yeah oh man magic would smell like in Florida dude imagine going to visit somebody writing him letters on your neck whole months you never show up you [ __ ] killed yeah all the time that had to happen and you were just coming to hang out or imagine if you're like I love someone oh you're writing letters that's two months to get there but imagine I'll be I bet love with so much intense yes yeah but imagine if you're like alright I'm aboard this ship I'm gonna set sail and then meanwhile her letter coming back like I met somebody you [ __ ] show up that had to happen all the time yeah like she showed up you like took me six months to get here like I met somebody yeah this is Lois stalker the slow stalker yeah it had to be crazy man imagine then going to another country because a lot of times like people from different countries do not smell as appealing to people from other countries right just because they're not used to the scent very common imagine you boat from your country you get off in you know Pakistan or something yeah go down you lose your mind you would definitely lose your mother yeah I'm getting back on the ship immediately yeah imagine getting on a ship imagine when people came to America months dude you lived on a [ __ ] boat for months you're probably gonna die for you got there I had to be out there just throwing bodies off the back every week bodies off me back yeah yeah let's get another question right here this looks like it's from Louisiana he says he knows you Tom Tom I know you're thinking this black guy looks that Steve with Cincinnati well I opened for you in 2015 and probably the worst comedy club weekend ever at the Toledo funny bone ah I'm sure you remember the feature that ran over was real disrespectful you heard that he was dating so-and-so I want you to tell that story because it's really funny but vo I do want to hear you're worse comedy club experience keep up funny fellows Gang Gang Steve Matt oh man I do remember him I just remembered him I do remember him was he a bad guy but yeah but not a bad guy he's a nice guy was he a bad feature no he will just talk about somebody else oh he was yeah yeah so I remember here's how I remember I remember that dude was dating a nurse he married her he married her there you go remember that he know so what happened was this actually happened to me twice at the same club which is absolutely outrageous mmm the day of the show the first time mm-hmm like I see the feature who's booked for the weekend meeting him for the first time nice guy there's a guy I got a call my something having my wife I gotta go home yeah I gotta leave I can't do the weekend I was like okay so the club I'm like oh I have a friend who lives like an hour from here let's just have him and they're like oh no we already booked somebody I'm like this just happened like how do you have somebody I mean I I would prefer my friend to come in there like now as you can't and I guess I didn't have like I didn't have the juice all right I didn't make it that wasn't like calling agents and managers but I was like I mean I really would prefer this no yeah it's like okay so then the guy shows up who they told me is working and I'm like okay nice to meet you I kind of heard of him he was nice and then was a Gary Owen now what's not but but he goes up there and I'm not kidding you like at a certain point I forget let's say like 20 minutes in or something like how long is he doing and they're like I don't know I'm like whoa that's how this works like you need to know when this he's probably lied him soon he does 45 minutes no way in the middle spot and I was like four people know like these clubs it basically goes 10 MC 20 metal 45 60 headline yeah so the mental actress did like 45 minutes and he does like a 15 minute merch pitch Oh like when it starts I'm like all right and then it continues on like he has bits about it and then wraps up and mentions it again I was like Jesus Christ so it becomes apparent that like he is a big merch guy mhm and the weekend Josh neat no but he does have a really good Murphy cuz he has a good much business that's one reason I say that it was a super nice guy and I wouldn't like I don't want to like write actually but it's not him right but anyways this guy's whole weekend becomes about like selling his merch right he is like they're bringing in like carts with boxes and I'm like this is for the middle yeah I'm like baby rattles TNT you're like what is he selling and then every show I'm like yo man like how like once you cut down your time you wait I don't need you to do 45 does like 31 show I'm like what are you doing man so it's it becomes this ridiculous thing and then a couple days into it you know we're all kind of talking about it you know staff and they're like oh it's cuz he dates the manager I was like okay so that that that's why she didn't let me uh bring somebody and I was like alright so no [ __ ] the next year I show up and they're like the middle can't make it and I was like okay and I was like here's what they're like we already put out an offer to like six people I'm like what are you doing like white wines and them and I already know that like you know what's going I know what's happening I go okay I go layers we're gonna do you already have your offers out to people that's fine but whoever you choose can't sell merch hmm she goes no merch I was like nope sorry I don't let me guys summer which I do right I just know that she was like he's in the merch biz yeah so I was like yeah whoever it is cancelled watching and she was like her head drop okay her history dropped of the vision of her children eating that much I not thought it and then the guy same guy shows up know what a [ __ ] crazy coincidence we're in the same clothes is different say different different clothes but he was like you know moping around I heard I can't so he's wearing like 70 shirts yeah asking people outside do you want this and then I [ __ ] go into the lobby and his merch is in the club's official nose it's up like what [ __ ] it was one of the most bizarre experiences where I'm like why don't you just come out and say what you want yeah yeah I mean like you just tell me I'm like I want my boyfriend or my boyfriend and it's important to him to sell this or whatever but like when you pretend like it's not going on you know like you're gonna beat around I'm just I'm not gonna help you out with that you know and so mmm God that made me mad oh it made me furious and they're like we could go back I was like yeah I'll go back I'll go back for a hundred and ten percent of the door yeah and half of the bar sales yeah and that's the offer go ahead and set it up leave it yeah I'm trying to think of mile I would but he was great yeah Steve Mac's kitchen see was it was great to beautiful kids now I went to while I was in Louisville and they had and I Dre I tried to get that if the audience gave me a hundred dollars right mm-hmm I was gonna urinate in one of the speakers on stage right what yeah however you [ __ ] up I mean I was having a few cocktails okay so this is like when you're just part drinking yeah so we only got to about eighty dollars right so anyway I got our stage I'm outside there's some people like saying hey dude we're going to this we're going to a house party something you want to come and I was like only if my boy can come and I look over and they had an urban guy you know in like a louis vuitton kind of jacket mm-hmm I kind of like a black urban guy okay and so I said only if my boy can come and I pointed at him I don't even know this guy okay and uh and they're like that's your boy and I'm like yep that's my boy so next you know we're all in a limo this guy happens to be homeless right or not or doesn't know where his home is right more that kind of guy so anyway we're all going to this party and I walked right over to him as soon as they said yeah he can come I walked over and I was like hey dude you ever been in a limo he's like no I'm like you're coming with me just no matter what pretend you were my best friend that's it and was he good at that bro so good at it right we get in the car people that can't take that direction they don't know what to do he immediately dude was like oh yeah he started naming people he actually was a little too good right he's like oh yeah you remember our Wallace and nobody cares like yeah Yvette died you know no but anyway we get to the party we go in the house it's like this kind of fancy party a lot of people there have been like maybe at a wedding or something and we're there like four minutes I hear people scream from upstairs and hear a window break this guy went into the coat room stole a bunch of purses jumped out the window and [ __ ] your boy that's pretty crazy that's pretty crazy and I was like man what I did lose changed a lot did you do the club that like five guys owned it together you know it was like I don't remember it's Louisville downtown that's all I'm a Louisville improv what I did okay all right no so that was that was one of Joel's clubs that they ended up closing there was another club that these dudes own to get like friends and one of the dudes was a recovering addict named his main choice with crack and he had but he had like a very addictive hufflepuff where I was [ __ ] a sniffing door yeah yeah yeah he was he's ever have a puff and he was he was addictive in every sense so he was like he liked his shirt there's like a blue shirt I got I got 12 of them yes yeah okay man so we like we we had eaten somewhere across the street and we were like ah they had this really good dessert there and he was like the next day he was like I tried it so good I bought 16 for everybody here I was like you are out of your [ __ ] mind Hey so when it comes time to settle he's like yeah his great week we'd sold out the shows he's like can you guess what you're getting and I was like I don't I don't guess I know exactly what I'm getting he was like how do you know I was we have a deal so since all the shows were sold out I know the amount of tickets and I know that take it price and I know the percentage so then I know exactly what I'm getting yeah he was like really I was like yeah dude like that's how this works he said oh yeah it goes well write down what you think like oh I don't think it's anything I know exactly what it is so he's like well how much is it Marc summers Emily was the guy who's caught up this what are you talking about so he gives me a pen and paper I write down the exact amount I go it is exactly this amount and I showed him he's like that's not what I have I'm like then you made him mistake you're wrong and so he's like I have this and I'm like nope so then he's like I got it called like Sandra I'm like okay so in Sandra comes up and she just like works she's all coked up probably big blonde hair he's like his mom said that he's supposed to get this I have this and she was like oh and I'm like Sandra listen there's nothing to debate here it is definitely this and then she looks at me she's like mm-hmm he's like I guess you're right I was like I'm never coming back here again that's like a venue where like I immediately took that check I was like drive me to a bank like right yes because this is not gonna clear out Monday dude I did a Ron I did a casino one time and I felt like I defended people on stage and they gave me a check after but I was worried it was over the weekend that they were going to like cancel yeah so the whole weekend bro I ended up staying at the casino an extra two days and is doing nice stuff around the building what kind of what city were you or what area I think Michigan or something yeah or Minnesota it's like milling around his doing nothing you ain't did them yeah I just think that maybe I didn't do the right amount of time I literally have been on stage in like a month I don't know what had happened and and I got it then I was like oh I got this and I did not have it right and it was rough and it was like their banquet it was like their employee banquet and it was like I just felt like I ruined their whole yeah vibe so I stay I got to move on flight and stayed there an extra two days and just like was nice around town and it's hilarious nice around the building hug people took pictures and just shook hands and [ __ ] I did it I did a shitty like one of the shitty casinos in Vegas is before I saw any tickets I was meddling there mm-hmm and I made fun of one of the dudes and the venue but this is like a shitty place now like a strip cuz you know he was like you can go home like we don't need you for the last show I was like what he was like yeah man like we don't we don't need you to if you're gonna be like that and I was like this wasn't like like it was gonna disrupt my week I was like oh I felt so bad bad that would hurt my feeling oh definitely her might and then the headliners set up for me his dudes I didn't even know he did he was like he's got to stay he's got to stay and the guy was like could you not make fun of the fact that this is a piece of [ __ ] like yeah okay sorry man you know cuz I was just doing it I wasn't doing it to like really rip on the place yeah yeah like we all know we're in a shitty place right now Yeah right like you guys know like hearing I mean no no I mean you know oh oh yeah yeah in other words you're like we're yeah nobody bartending this is not the Bellagio yes y'all know they're you know yeah it's bad yeah well made bad just talking about that that's crazy man what else we got we got a your boy right here Nick Diaz has a question what up do what up Tom it's your boy Daniel have your Fitz and your mayor's on it I gotta ask I know Tom's new lifestyle probably doesn't allow much fast food but McDonald's or Burger King McDonald's my daughter's is not Donald's gang gang gang gang bruh it's not even a debate yeah McDonald's is McDowell's yeah what is Burger King doing I mean come on that they've they've really dropped the ball man do you remember they used to have the little thing where they had the pictures of like the handicapped kid wheels or whatever their characters used to be like 20 years ago or 30 years oh these have a picture of a handicapped kid yeah the McDonald's kids club and like all of their group like omegas I said Burger King oh no this was a burger Kids Club perfectly like here's radar you know it was like at all like black out with like God is there was a classes there something you know and here was like here's on wheels and it was like a handicapped ginger no I remember that oh you know they used to be their whole thing it was like this kind of McDonald's here's color they are and uh yeah they had the handicapped ginger right there yeah like Santino in the chair oh definitely very much those are the good old days Oh do you like Burger King you know what I didn't mind their dessert menu like in the probably early 2000s but I don't like anything they have now I never liked the whopper yeah no I mean eat it I mean dude like you know look if if you have no options you're gonna you know I mean like there's certain road trips or you like we gotta eat event like some point and you pull off and there's like one place and sometimes you just settle for whatever is [ __ ] there right but I mean if you have options yeah come on take McDonald's over that [ __ ] every time you're breaking in that chicken Asajj suck that the chicken said the fried one yeah it was good right it was so good yeah the traditional chicken say nothing wasn't yes some of the other choices they've made have just been extremely downhill the king that was like scaring people in their bedrooms and stuff was there a block is that their ad people should be funny thankful because even now the handicapped ginger the scary can even now though you managed it I can imagine what Burger King's marketing budget is it's gotta be just astron billion dollars I've been crazy money and you can't find a [ __ ] advertising company to get your [ __ ] straight like look at what some of these companies do with advertising it's amazing yeah you know like they should [ __ ] hire like comedians somebody like really like a good comic to get involved with them but this [ __ ] I look at this a drooling this guy it's a cut it's like us it's saw five four [ __ ] it's terrifying then and the burger yeah it's known that the burger they paint the stripes on her it's not even at least just say hey they paint the stripes on that [ __ ] cooked what grill do you see it burger king dude it's two sisters in the back [ __ ] about the fist what's your what's your what's your opinion on if you're taken like the National big-name burger people five guys what a burger Shake Shack I in and out where do you where do you land Oh Wendy's Wendy's yeah over everybody you two I go in and out I think it's like a different yeah I don't know and you're you're both Wendy's yeah I'm like into now because I love they have a lot of Latino employees and that's what and that's my favorite yeah cuz Latinas always they're just such a hard-working group I really like that vibe you know yeah yeah I think they're gonna in and out it'll the the training is obviously superior to every other place by far the way they treat you to talk to you even have people like you know sometimes you go in a fast food place you like you're a [ __ ] mess your whole life's a mess you just know it and then in and out there like you go like what are you doing there like I'm gonna getting my engineering degree yeah like like they just look like they have their [ __ ] together yeah yeah I agree they do yeah they're learning we got me reading and doing the fryer I'll actually ever be vending yeah yeah it seems like TV shows yeah but there that's they're they're primo man yeah I never thought even to bring Wendy's into the conversation really Wendy's his next level for me Wendy's is very unique really Wow yeah look at burning and yeah the whopper always looks like it [ __ ] got in a domestic dispute yeah it does it does part of the reason I picked that question because I want to hear if the McDonald's spot I want to hear your about your McDonald sponsorship and whether that was real yeah that was real yeah yeah so they sponsored us took money away and then came back and then made Christina also like a paid in dorset yeah that's cool yeah it's very cool so yeah we're definitely hardcore McDonald's family now yeah and why'd they take it away they taken away cuz um the first episode that they promoted we had this guy put a butt plug in his a video we were and he had a ruined orgasm he came when he didn't want to cuz he had a butt plug in and he was [ __ ] a [ __ ] sleeve and so he was like trying it out and he was like oh [ __ ] bro outdoorsman you know what's really crazy the same guy is on a new Netflix show called like scam city or something where they it's like a he's an actor no he's giving it's like a real show like a like almost like a news piece show like a like a like a 48-hour Dateline show where it's called scam City right and it's like yeah this is Al he's in the first episode he might even be in the trailer if you press play on that Connor would hunt boardman so this is like cuz I had it shows like reenactments and then it has real accounts of what happened in other words this isn't where he goes oh okay I see somebody yeah somebody goes uh there's no trailer when you press play it's just first first episode well he's in the first episode he's talking about his experience in Buenos Aires and so he was like I was down there and like you know the guy scammed me that guy a guy did it who tells that story of his experience is the guy who put the butt plug in and had the ruined orgasm his name is Pete we call him Uncle Terry Danny Brown calls him butt plug cuz that's him DPC huh that's him right there on the right that's him Oh would that be goat day huh that's the dude he reviews he's been reviewing sex toys and and he and he has one where he has a he has a dildo on a gun Oh God like I'm like huge machines yeah and he put that in his that he does wild [ __ ] you know do people the yeah your ass is kind of like the last kind of staycation I feel like like I don't like to kind of yeah I think if you're putting stuff in your butt and you're not running across a border dude then you're [ __ ] yeah wasting time that's what I said it's really I don't know man yet you're put things in your ass no when I was young I didn't like when I learned about that I had an [ __ ] yeah but not as an adult no no this thing this thing that he puts in does not seem like JV squad [ __ ] oh wow dance really advanced in McDonald's was not cool with it oh yeah it's like I didn't [ __ ] crab leg in your sweater you know and I don't know yeah I got a whole strand here we got a nice fella right here hey yo my man this is Tony Segura coming at you from Oregon Ohio Conan as Tommy sugar what uh what his big simplest was you know you two are one of my favorites so just wanna Gang Gang he's a you two are one of my favorite I respect that yeah indecisive but confident about it yeah yeah yeah well yeah an influence hmm I guess like stand up wise is somebody I think I think it changes face where you are in your life mmm you know like as a kid I mean the first thing I ever saw was Bill Cosby himself on a special and then I think my I thought that was really cool but I think my mind was blown when I saw Eddie Murphy you know yeah so that special I was like what the [ __ ] and then I mean I used to watch used to go in our basement to watch Def Jam when like Martin Lawrence hosted it yeah does that felt like you know like a sneaky oh you think you're not supposed to be watching you know like my parents wouldn't be like yeah put on Def Jam I was like 12 13 it was crazy yeah it was so much fun in TV and viewing something was like a thing something had a sneak and those before the DVR but you had to catch it live yeah you know or VCR record it but you get a hide that tape and give the tape to your buddy everything was so much more top secret that I like me every day and every day you were like a detective you were like yeah you were a CIA you were a middleman all the good crimes are done man everything now there's like there's cameras everywhere and there's nothing to it's even harder to con people like all that [ __ ] was back when there was before the digital age man yeah but you can't even be really good of a criminal anymore I don't think you can I really don't think you can I don't I don't think we're gonna have any and get that high out of it you just can't even get that high out who got you have to be like computer-driven criminal you know I mean like I logged in I have my hacker I I broke into this guy's account and [ __ ] up his world right the crime yeah and it's not even that great unless you're doing something crazy unless you're gonna rush the jeweler doing this unless you hack and you you know Bill Clinton's plan you know apex legends new hack in and control his yeah his character while he's doing it you know and he's on Twitch I get you know it's like how are you gonna get to any I don't know how you gonna keep it that interesting mine would be this guy Jerry Clower if you can bring up a picture of him ciello wer and he's out of he was in the southeast region but he's from Yazoo City did you know who Killer Bees what Mississippi I have pretty killer bees it's two women right no it's not then no this my guy right here jarick flower Oh real legend right there too I loved I was I feel like I was influenced by Rip Torn who just died oh yeah I loved loved him loved Rip Torn I loved John Candy hmm you know as a kid I mean I he was like just great at all that I only mention him because he's like a southern comic I heard about him I thought it was to whim dominated that region for a long time did he yes like they don't even have any southern comedians anymore really in Hollywood out here and I mean like on tour I guess Rodney Carrington would be considered one all right because he does music and comedy Ron White but it's been like 25 years since they've like since they've taken like rural white comedians or anything like that I feel like yeah there's not that many I mean I guess I wouldn't know but like I only knew about I found out about killer bees two years ago yeah and because I was doing a club in Nashville and they're like oh his son is working with you and I was like who are you talking about I had no idea they're like you don't know who that is I was like no and they're like he has been a staple of the south for like 20 years and like can saw anywhere in that area hmm yeah they have another guy like that the ragin Cajun yeah John yes his last name is I think right now it's just been so long since I've seen ragin Cajun also had a hard you know the ragin Cajun comedian ragin Cajun yeah if you tell then it'll come up Morgan Morgan yep he means good east I mean he still is good I haven't seen him in a bit but man I mean you talk about inter that I ain't here did you ever hear that his wife was a lottery winner yes that's true right his wife won the lottery and you cannot get divorced after that and then he saved somebody from a burning building one time Wow saved a life so what about Robin Harris to me Robin Harris mmm black woman man a black man now are oby and I'm thinking of Robin Harris is on I may be a stern chef no you're right you spelled it right I think yeah that's Robin Harris right there oh yeah maybe kids remember babies kids yes so that was his I gotta watch that dude his crowd work was other level Bar None huh this dude was a savage you were done your toes didn't [ __ ] picked you I gotta watch him then Robin Harris Robin Harris [ __ ] people up men hilarious the hilarious most hilarious dude do you have trouble like do you have trouble like things keeping you excited and stuff as your career goes on like a lot of the excitement of something or you know is like the journey of it you know you don't really realize that while you're going through it yeah is it different as you find more success and stuff like that yeah it's a little different sure and then you start to go like well I think you start to see like there's a point when you're like I just want to be able make a living right and then you go what truly excites me wait you know so that becomes more of a reality I think the further you progress so you go like what is it that it what's exciting to me what motivates me what is it that I want to do I feel like it's just being creative and involved in things you know and stand-up it's always about new jokes right yeah that's the dadang death feels like just nothing new that feels like I don't even want to be here yeah so I know that part of stand-up excites me just it you know even a new line is enough to carry me through a show yeah and that crazy how the feeling that is that feeling is like it's that's the feel like it doesn't even nothing else I don't think about anything else then then when when you have like a new tag even you're like ah get excited to get to that point of the show to try the tag and so that stuff is that I mean the other things I don't know like sometimes I feel like the whole thing has changed we're like when you when you start out that's like people tell you what you want you know you being on a TV show I don't know and like I've been involved in like a bunch of development deals and I'm like I don't even know that it excites me to do that yeah I feel like I'm almost like going along with right you know I mean like the way that the tide moves on that I'm like yeah I guess right you're supposed to that's right yeah maybe you're supposed to is it cool is it fun is it yeah is it worth the time that's the big one is it your story at all that you're telling are you gonna have to play a character that's not even well that you start to really value time or yeah time becomes the greatest of all commodity like you just go man like you know especially like you have a career this that's you know developing and moving along you have a family and you're like I only have this much time right a in a year and a week what do you like it's so important that you put it into something that you you find rewarding you know I mean like do you think that a lot of that do you think that your your experience and like your achievement is due to would you if you had a deviate up a hundred percent right would you say like what percent is like perseverance talent opportunity and it doesn't even have to be those three things but do you think that it's kind of a mixture of things do you feel like it's it's a mixture of things I mean it's some of it is natural ability I think everybody has a degree of ability right yeah in something for sure yeah yeah but I'm saying let's say we talk about comedians oh yeah there's a we we all have a degree of natural talent right then there's like how much work you put into it and also like there's just choices you make choices that are not even about right some are about writing the joke and performing but just make choices like when to do things when to what - turn down what to take those are all like choices that you make it's not like right chance you know and right deciding to do this with your podcast is a choice right you know you you you dictated to do that right and then things will happen because that so there's those things some things are circumstance um and some picking up people I go then you got lucky I mean you know I don't everybody gets lucky a little bit of everything a little bit yeah you know but I think it's not that much luck it's more about putting in work natural ability making certain choices yeah I think that's it and it's sticking to it so many people that like I started out with you know just people drop out yeah sure you find that oh yeah somebody falls in love or somebody just okay yeah I'll tell me of the conference like to talk to people whatever happened to this person that you just go I don't know I don't know I know you see image shows and then I just don't see him anymore you know I heard recently it's almost at a certain point like the comedy chooses you in a way that's interesting it's like at a certain point it's like yeah this person can live this lifestyle or can do this yeah I mean I recognize a little bit like I'll text with daliyah sometimes like man it's so lonely like sometimes you're by yourself and you just had a great show you don't get to see anybody and mm-hmm you know like you know like yeah man it's so bizarre what's your routine like let's say you go out now you do a big show in Georgia where the guy said we don't do shows for some reason crazy I think the video was also from 1840 that guy sitting in he said his wife had just left on a stagecoach his first wife but like you finished your show what do you do yeah I guess I usually do I guess I just kind of go back to the hotel get something to eat go back to the hotel do you like to find like the good place in town like you know I mean are you one of those people or and I probably should start to get a little bit more into that part of me feels like I've been on the road for so long that it's like it's like you've done all the national attractions you've done you know maybe try to find something that's a little off the map do you try to stay in the nice hotel yeah these days I try to stay in a nice hotel even if it's just to treat myself yeah you deserve it yeah it's like I've stayed in I mean I stayed in one place dude in Rochester outside a lot Rochester where bro you had to walk there from the day's end dude it was only probably about 600 yards but there was no sidewalk and it was on a busy highway yeah we've all stayed in these places this was not there's no sidewalk yeah there's and if there was a side well you're almost glad there wasn't cuz like who will put a sidewalk right next to this Park highway crazy streaming there's so many bad hotels the hotel or the motel where the door opens just into the you know I mean to the parking lot it doesn't feel I stayed in the hotel motel in Oakland once where our horrible idea and there's out of the gate man it was like there were screams going on yeah just everything was just you got I feel so unsafe no that's Romano I think it is labeled basically every mater every Ramona and then I remember I went to the counter I'm like what goes on here what goes on here I asked the lady at the front desk she goes I don't know like I gotta get out of here I feel like yeah probably yeah yeah I work here but you should leave it was one night I it was like when I was still trying to save a ton of money and I would I went to a Days Inn in Knoxville and I said look how to pay you a couple of hours to sleep on this the floor of a room right and the lady's like yeah that's fine you know but my boyfriend's you have to sit in there while you sleep it was so crazy and he did yeah and I paid him like 40 bucks and stuff in there for like three hours he just looked at you I don't know what he did I hope he dozed off you know I like to hope that he dozed off she had she set a monitor to watch you sleep I think she was nervous about it but she wanted to be helpful you know yeah that's the thing these days it's like you can still be helpful but everybody there's like a level of like risk and uncertainty that comes with everybody yeah yeah what's true what motivates you what makes you want to do more it's funny even hear you say that like a new line or a new joke yeah you know we're talking about a new experience like my legs fell asleep in an uber the other day and I had to get out in this black or was driving and she was pissed that I wouldn't get out and I'm like how did your legs fall asleep I bad circulation really I mean my legs yeah in my arms I can do almost anything but so it's like the next thing you know it's like I got to get out right and she's like I already accepted another passenger you know and it's like my legs are asleep she's like we use it for human being this ever said this to me no I literally she's like if she goes if you knew you're gonna be handicapped you should have brought a wheelchair and I'm like this is it's almost at that point unsafe er to be in with this girl what do I do [ __ ] just jumped out like hands first like a [ __ ] and then pulled yourself yeah like I mean yes scooted your scoot like I'm out of [ __ ] [ __ ] and then how long did you say on the sidewalk with your unluck I'll be two minutes actually Robbie a little longer cuz I got on my phone okay and I don't even realize it my legs it kind of woke him back up but yeah a frequent thing that happens I would say it happens to me if I'm doing like a stool or something going number two or if I am but that's where it's coming but you're also were just sitting in a car yeah but this lady I think the seat was uh I would say was aftermarket mmm-hmm I can head hey yeah just cut off the circulation it could have been part of her mood you never know okay I'm out there it's on it's an unlit area you know couple of [ __ ] pop you know poppers pop out the trunk and get you you know not a bad move really yeah you got the crossbar within the seat that cuts off people's circulation they get out can't walk right to guys get them standard yeah yeah that's called the Cincinnati [ __ ] shuffle huh ask everybody knows oh I'm sure Gary knows do it if you would ever answer my calls any other questions that we have met just two quick patreon questions before we get out of here Mike new she asks what are some things that make you irrationally mad for me it's too loud chewing noises so Tom what makes you rationally mad hmm rationally mad it's a good question olives you hate it [ __ ] hate olives Oh huh oh all boil all olives all olives yes but olive oil is fine but an olive can [ __ ] itself I don't at all don't like raspberry like flavoring mm-hmm like a raspberries fine yeah oh yeah raspberry drizzle oh it's [ __ ] disgusting that's good I wouldn't be friends with anybody that's into it yeah that's how much it upsets me anyways just sneaking around having some yeah yeah Jeremiah Watkins eats that [ __ ] out there but see I don't like him one of his parents yeah one of his parents was a UH did I think cake deco or something yeah so he's none of those pipe and he'll of his pipe that [ __ ] right into his mouth I mean the look the loud chewing yeah or anyone who's like really clearing their throat a lot yeah you know public were you like come on man are you doing guys doing with their teeth oh yeah I was in a steam room you know this guy was like I was like you get it did you get it dude I was in a self-esteem room and it was bunch of people just trying to feel better yeah um I think one of mine this is funny I thought about it one of mine is um like I walk in a bathroom and I can't help but smell in the air someone's pooped in there recently mm-hmm and it bothers you if someone does that always make us bothers me that I can't go in and not check I got you yeah yeah yeah like even if I don't want to check I'll walk in like I'm not gonna I'm the breathe naturally in there but I'm not gonna breathe smell if someone has been killed you and it do it I I sometimes walk into a bath and I check myself I go I got [ __ ] man I get like upset at how much it smells like [ __ ] oh yeah and I'm like where do you want this [ __ ] you're in the bathroom like they're supposed to [ __ ] here yeah I'm still mad at the level of [ __ ] you know I can air hey [ __ ] who's coming here yeah they're all like there's a bathroom are you [ __ ] like yeah but come on man yeah check your diet bro this is terrible let's get upset yeah I wonder if there's like certain bathrooms because like certain people come from certain parts of the country where there's more of a thoroughfare every International Terminal yeah you start mixing different cultures of different shits in there and you're like one of the big ones holy cow well we dr. drew say about that that's what I want to know I'll ask him definitely ask him and also when rich people don't let their dogs fight each other that [ __ ] [ __ ] gets on my nerves yeah you know there's some rich people like I love an apartment but there's some rich people that walk their dogs around me and I can hear the the people will argue but not let the dogs fight you know all right you want to be able to scrap a little bit the dogs want to fight I'll tell you what makes me the most didn't know you said it makes me the most upset I [ __ ] hate people like this yeah anybody with money that drives a sensible car yeah I want to [ __ ] absolutely out in front of their family I hate that [ __ ] like how sensible like what are you like a guy with ten million dollars it was like I love this Prius like but yeah no you don't know you don't yeah you're you were raised here you live in this world you know your options and you're gonna go for like the sensible well it gets great mileage is that really your concern okay and it gets great mileage or do you wanna have fun when you're on the road yeah it'll be a little I [ __ ] hate it dude men that wear bike helmets bro yeah that wear a bike any sort of safety helmet dude yeah I'd rather be at my dad's funeral 200 times then see you then at one see my dad come home safely to dinner with a [ __ ] ailment and an elbow pad oh I hit my elbows or my knees dude yeah I'd rather see my dad beat my mother didn't come home with an unbruised spouse yeah with [ __ ] elbow pads I was the worst I agree that [ __ ] makes me mad bro anything that's like real wimpy [ __ ] yeah you know like they used to have this by asking on the back of the bike and you would sit on there and my mom used to carry us she would ride the bike and [ __ ] carrots with her other arm and going bike rides like it was just all you play sports chill no not that much do but I fell off the swing set one time so [ __ ] hard that I was a legend bro you know I'm saying like I pretty much got all the trophies long up Oh swung up as high as you could go swings are [ __ ] fun man now that I have kids yeah we have a big-ass swing set in the back pretty cool the best you forget how much fun that was it's such an easy way to have a blast yeah and then you really start kicking and you're like yeah up and that one time you start to let your legs out a little bit and then you [ __ ] it up and land on your back it's sighs ah yeah but it is still fun it's fun yeah it is fun it's like before they're like you even heard of like bungees that's the the precursor to bungy jumping and [ __ ] yeah I was like swinging parallel to the [ __ ] ground that was like first second grade and you learned about those toys aren't getting out of first grade they had swings but kindergarten playground didn't have them I know and it was like whoa you can remember you see a swing a slide that turns for the first time because there's slides like slides are great and then you see it turn and you're like yeah this [ __ ] goes in a loop it's like realizing you can date sisters you know you're liking I can't yeah this thing's got a little twist to it anything else guys you want to hit with Tommy sugar right here we got one more good patreon question then we can get him out of here this comes from Tom Fredrik he says Tom you have maybe three and a half years before you die who do you want out of these four choices to raise your kids with Christina Chris D'Elia Theo von Bobby Lee Andrew Santino zero really you [ __ ] guys you gotta your mind don't include me with that pack of wait is Chris okay who else Andrew Santino Bobby Lee and Theo okay well you and Bobby are immediately off the list okay I'm up all day then so I would like the debate though it was two guys that debate is between Santino and alia so let me see I mean daliyah's got more money yeah be able to you want to love the kid though right but here's the thing I mean I gotta think about their future their education what what about if somebody's actually to care about him that's the thing that he was he actually was very sweet when uh like he when we when we were when like a year ago when when his doesn't make a dent sweater tip [ __ ] $2000 in quantity sales in one day problem yeah he no he bought very nice thoughtful gifts for the kids and I was thinking about kids I was like this is very thoughtful he was like yeah just you know Congrats I was like you know for this ridiculous hypothetical that would play into it Santino I know wants kids I mean incan problem I'll give you I'll give you what one up over Bobby okay that's obviously like I would choose Bobby Bobby the [ __ ] if I want more veteran that didn't even serve yeah I mean that's an immediate like needle in the arm oh I'll draw Bobby to VFW's around America and watch him get his ass beat let's not give up too so Bobby's last argued Mohammed okay and then I think Santino he's but he's - I think he's a little bit of a unpredictable yes you know unpredictable father that's gonna be his yeah and that tempers gotta be you know I don't want them seeing that every day Oh punching holes in walls and [ __ ] and every time I see his wife I kind of look at her like you're right yeah yeah yeah everybody knows you know stuff some gall it's a lot of eye makeup you know so far easy huh yeah I was going to an event tonight or something yeah no just new shadow came in and I just figured painted on like extra thick for today Wow black face on for a night out at dinner yeah just something different yeah yeah so it's a Santino second place yeah yeah so Wow I guess Chris unbelievable yeah sorry man it's okay I mean I'm just like Bobby why don't you just [ __ ] but that's so easy bro that's like beating a [ __ ] Bobby is a throw pillow but that occasionally does things okay there's no difference bro yeah bro check him for bone nothing bro spent 40 minutes feeling his body for any sort of boner infrastructure yes he's such he's so funny and such a bizarre dude yeah so bizarre he might be the most bizarre when I really think about it and it might be you know what cuz you're both you're kind of like this to where sometimes I'm like the [ __ ] is this person saying you know like I'm like are you doing a bit or are you being serious like you have a little bit of that yeah he has it to a degree where I'm like is this really you and then and then I sometimes walk away being like no like I think that guy's really like that yeah where it's like you you're this close to being institutionalized bro oh yeah with Bobby oh he's got autism dude he's got that jaundice autism that G autism they call it he's you he's got that freak oh that guy oh bro you feel me Dawg you got that [ __ ] that wild Saul sent him you gonna [ __ ] work on the Spanish or what I am did I would they would bake my life man yeah cuz my father grew up down there at doing his whole family's missionaries down there in the Quran WA mm-hmm and so it would be cool to go down there and do even just like do some fundraising tours or anything even if we just did three dates or something you know for me it'll be probably about four or five years till I'm you know can speak applica bleah so start yes dark yeah watch shows watch shows in Spanish you watch narcos I'll be there yeah I'll watch that whole series man it's all in Spanish oh if one of the shows is in Colombia dog be awesome if I can have my phone Hetalia Pablo no we can do it yeah great little Tony's oh yeah thank you so much Tom sugar for being here yeah there's a lot of fun that's on the new space looks great well thanks for the inspiration man I mean you guys have uh you know you guys are whenever I got to your studio the other day I was like wow this is a vibe in there survived yeah this is one - man this is really cool cool like this thanks man Jionni the twink pink that pic guy says yeah player is that you made this goddamn yeah he plays intramural spar wait where are you guys from by the way I'm from La Crosse Wisconsin okay and I live to eight years in Minneapolis - okay you from Rhode Island mm-hmm and Jionni is an actor and Nick is a well the best podcast producers I think that's dice man Congrats amongst other things they do other stuff Nick plays basketball across the street sometimes where did you live in Minneapolis uh all over I mean mostly mostly by campus I went to University of Minnesota okay and then ya work to acne for a couple years you did really don't even know that yeah yeah Wow when you guys did your whole tour in China it was like big news attacked me and stuff that was the year I worked there you were there and attack me well yeah oh that's cool man I love Louis yeah yeah I've never been that Club what hands down best I mean it's it's it's either one or two depending on who you ask if they've played it who is one of the cruel you most unique people that ever came out see you perform or somebody that shocked you that that was like at the show or something yeah mmm trying to think been trying to think about going to I don't have an answer really but it tastes never come to going to your shows Tyson came to my show in Pittsburgh yeah Wow that was good that was pretty wild I'm Tyson Chandler now is weird I mean to be like hanging out with Mike Tyson in the grove Mike Tyson oh yeah why I like it have them just like hang out smoke cigarettes and you're green like an up green room smaller than that room and you're just like what's up and like how many white dudes would it take to jump Mike Tyson now at his age right now yeah depending on the type of dude what about you and me oh no we had that we would be dead I would be do it I wouldn't do it no I think if there was like maybe eight eight people maybe but also you know that like he's gonna get he's gonna throw like three haymakers that take out two people each and some two dudes are never gonna be the same oh yeah special type of brain damage yeah yeah from that guy he could still I saw him you know he like showed up at a gym he's not in the same shape obviously and and he was like yeah yeah he was just like if he was throwing our hooks on a bag and oh like that right there that hook he just threw mm-hmm oh my god you'd help that would devastate you in ways that look at that [ __ ] yo my name I have a bad neck too oh well yeah I mean it would just be permanently bad man oh you think it would feel good kind of getting hit that hard a little you wouldn't remember it and so maybe like do you remember what life was like before that hit had that kind of thing but yeah it would [ __ ] you up so badly man I remember Willie D was at a show I did in Houston you know from the ghetto boys hmm that was like a number of years ago I think that was cool though it was cool to know he was there and yeah he left I was like that's cool yeah I mean just didn't there like yeah he was here me definitely laughing laughs yeah so you don't know whether he liked it or not Gloria Estefan went one of my shows one time really where and left this is in my me mmm he's probably bought 10 years ago it wasn't that like a fun coke place when you were heavy into coke yeah I think everybody's idea of me having a coke was basically me behind coke up at the Comedy Store and just doing it back at my apartment like there wasn't it I didn't have like fun times where I was like in Cuba sitting on a beach sad yes doing coke it was like Doug Stanhope without the girl with the blue hair you know yeah a little side apple you know they can go yeah bingo it was beautiful too and so was Doug but it would be like yeah it was just somebody by themselves just doing coke yeah just touching a soft wiener just looking at you know escorts on the internet negotiating with escorts pricing them down I mean I priced like 10 or 12 dollars that I mean it got to the point would be eight how are you having them a lot no no never was having I'm just never had just like trying to work out do yeah yeah sorry yeah it was basically that's your Latin influence man that's that's what that is yeah it's like the [ __ ] sloth of ball Street basically I was like shitty animal like I just don't want to be taken advantage yeah that was it I don't want to spend you know 325 seems crazy you know it's 7:00 a.m. I'm a handsome guy though doesn't not thing like yeah how about cut me some slack I'm a handsome guy you tell them that it's just like a you send him a picture to verify them no no I would stand up I'll do that little sketch thing once that thing came out of the phone where you can get somebody who I look like that's cool last question yeah do you still masturbating me ever as an adult after you get married and stuff like that are you out of your mind of course yeah yeah all the time you don't jerk off oh I jerk off I jerked off probably more recently you would imagine but I'm just wondering do people still do it when they get mayor 100% yeah do you feel bad when you do it like I'm keeping this from them no no no no I think it's just part of like regulating your body yeah of course sometimes you know I found like I know somebody who jerks off like before shows I'm like for me that's like a knockout punch it's like the only ckf well that's during the show like I feel like before the show I want as much energy as possible right yeah I like the free show work out I like to go to the gym if the shows at 7:00 I'm in that gym hotel gym at like 5:00 yes so I feel alive and I want to do my show like that jerk off and go to a show no that's insane now after the show that's great jerk-off time yeah yeah back in the hook like when you really want ya do you sleep in that bad habit that jerk-off then really yeah remember dude number all the times yeah I think it is it's the bad at yeah jerking off late at night is been looking at pornography okay bad habit if you do it all the time yeah yeah I don't like jerking off I don't like seeing myself I jackal ate that much and you don't know I used to not mind in a noose like watching it I wouldn't watch a whole all of it but I'll watch like right in the beginning yeah you know you shoot big loads do you shoot ropes like what do you got well a small quantity you know like a dribbler are you I know [ __ ] Pete Maravich let's line up if we stood at the [ __ ] end of this table uh-huh I'm backed up even a couple of days I'm I mean I'm getting distance on this thing no you're not yes I am yes I am wow that's incredible yeah I mean also like you know how you get you have like pumps right like an orgasm is like it's like you're your dick go like don't yeah right how made you go through you think like count them out in your head six seven eight maybe yeah the last two are weak weak weak then you got to be in my body to feel them yeah exactly yeah I'm like on a bad day twelve thirteen on a really strong day I'm up to like sixteen yeah oh my god I went to a doctor about it that's crazy you know he told me what you're lucky yeah that's crazy I mean I bossed him too I bus probably you know good pretty good nuts but I don't do I don't think I'm you know I'm gonna win anything no I'm winning I'm winning championships yeah I could get Peter North a run for his money I could yeah it's good stuff I could give Mae West and run for a my own that small ones Tom Segura thanks for being here thank you for having me yep Tom gate begins guys [Music] [Music] little time for me to set that parking brake and let my mama [Music] [Music]

Channel: Theo Von

Views: 3,247,348

Keywords: Theo von, this past weekend, theo von podcast, this past weekend podcast, tpw, joe rogan, joe rogan experience, jre, joe rogan podcast, brendan schaub, bryan callen, the fighter and the kid, below the belt, tfatk, theo von brendan schaub, king and the sting, king and the sting podcast, chris delia, chris delia podcast, joey diaz, bert kreischer, tom segura, theogate, bobby lee, tigerbelly, podcasts, stand up comedy, stand up special, netflix, comedy central

Id: iFO9ZmcmeTQ

Length: 125min 54sec (7554 seconds)

Published: Thu Jul 11 2019

Reddit Comments

[u/KungFooGrip]

Hey, its Bert's comedian friend!

[u/hnirobert]

All of the Theogate truthers need to have Genuine FGTRTD given to them as flair.

[u/leo2sexy]

What timeline are we on?????

[u/getoffmylvl]

Anyone else think some of the fan video questions were a little tiktok'd?

[u/zio_caleb]

really enjoying this episode so far. Tom said a funny line and I was utterly disappointed I couldn’t hear Bluebans laugh in the background. good episode tho lol

[u/Frapcaster]

I'm out of the loop for just seeing it for the first time, but anyone got more info on the cool mural on the back wall there?

[u/TypicalRectum]

I'm disappointed in Sugar for forgetting to bring up chihuahuagate. But, I found this ep so much funnier than Theos visit to YMH

[u/CoolGuyT]

Weird they spelled Tom Sugar wrong

[u/surgeyou123]

Two Eskimo Bros becoming actual Bros.