Tom Segura - The Key to Marriage

thank you thank you very much I feel like we are all connected so there's a possibility that you are also related to my profoundly stupid cousin Brian I'll tell you what my cousin my cousin he likes to call himself an inventor which would be really cool except he is not he just likes to come up with ideas for stuff that would be really cool and has no idea how to make it like that's just an [ __ ] you know I mean but but he insists on using the word invention like he'll be like god I tell you about my new invention no what is it it's a cell phone that drives your car whoa how does that work you just press a button on the phone yeah dick but how do you get the phone to do that well you just programmed the phone with what with fairy dust and then he gets mad at me he'll be like [ __ ] you you don't like my invention no I love your invention I also love sliding down a rainbow into a pot of gold it's not possible men so I told him I have an invention it's a toilet that sends emails and makes turkey sandwiches and his answer I swear to God when I told him that was that's a [ __ ] awesome invention no it's not it's not real men do you understand how [ __ ] stupid es are you wrapping your head around this right he actually seriously thinks that he could go to a software engineer and be like how about a phone that drives the car for you and that they would be like what the hole that you just invented that man that's crazy do you have any more easily yeah I got a whole bunch of them you want to hear any other one yeah what about a shoe that's a [ __ ] plane ride him down write him down I got a lot of them he's a genius I know yeah he's also one of these [ __ ] like if we go out to eat and I order first I go like I yeah let me get the teriyaki chicken he'll be like ah man that's what I was gonna get you still can because we're at a restaurant I didn't order the last one yeah but then we'll both be eating the same thing you know what I mean no I don't know what you mean cuz I'm eating it and then you're eating it it's weird no you're [ __ ] weird I mean it may you're eating it it's not weird it's weird if I go I'm gonna propose to Kristi and then you go I'm gonna propose to Kristi too that's [ __ ] weird then we have to have a conversation like what are we gonna eat at the wedding here's how I can tell that I'm getting older I'm confusing words that I never confused before like it'd be one thing if you're like oh I've always had trouble these words these are words I've never had trouble with and now I do and the two that I'm confusing the most are conscious and conscience and I'll even pause now before I say them and then I'll [ __ ] it up like I'll be like I don't want to do that I'm kind of self self Congress about that but luckily I have a wife and she will correct me but in a code like you wouldn't know that she's correcting me but if I misspeak like that my wife will turn to me and she'll go are you [ __ ] [ __ ] and I'll be like oh yeah thank you we're a team people ask me all the time Tom what is the key to your marriage simple I say intimidation and fear my wife is Kim jong-il and I am the people of North Korea every day there are a series of interrogations leading to a looming execution right a very question oriented household like my house is based she's like hey what you doing why are you doing that why'd you come over here why'd you go over there don't you put that out won't you take that down why is that open why don't you close that why are you eating that why you put it away don't you drag it over here once you cut it up let you take it outside don't you bring it back in why are you eating that why are you texting who are you texting who the [ __ ] is Amanda thank you guys you're a lot of fun enjoy the rest of your night

Channel: Just For Laughs

Views: 3,024,172

Keywords: Just for laughs, jfl, just for laugh, just for laughs youtube, youtube just for laughs, just laughs, just laugh, juste pour rire, funny comedy, comedian, stand up, stand up youtube, standup youtube, standup, stand up comedian, funny, laugh, family, tom segura, tom segura stand up, tom segura standup, tom segura youtube, youtube tom segura, tom segura comedy, tom segura comedian, Tom Segura The Key to Marriage, Tom Segura JFL, Tom Segura Just For Laughs, Tom Segura Montreal

Id: pT6Dqc5OVJU

Length: 5min 8sec (308 seconds)

Published: Fri Mar 01 2019