-It is so nice to be back
hosting "Saturday Night Live," New York City in the house!
Get your hands up! Get your hands up! Is this a thing that people
still do? I don't know. ♪♪♪ -Do you think anyone's home?
-Well, I hope so. We got to figure out where this
leak is coming from. [ Doorbell rings ] -Yes?
-Hi, we're your neighbors. We're renting out the unit
downstairs for the summer. -Oh, the basement unit.
-Yeah. -Oh, what a surprise. Honey, the
basement people are here. Come in, come in. -Ah, visitors, what a treat.
I was just BBQing some urchins. Can I offer you
something to drink? Hot cream?
-Um, no thanks. Uh, we have a leak
in our ceiling, and we're just trying to figure
out where it's coming from. -Mm. How curious.
Won't you sit down? [ Sizzles ] -Allow us to introduce
ourselves. This is my wife, Nooni,
and I am Nuni. -Nuni and Nuni?
-That is correct! You are the first Californians to pronounce our names
correctly. -Yes, you're really using the
muscles in your uvula perfectly. -Yeah, hey, uh,
how does this work? -Put your face in the face hole,
silly. -[ Laughter ] -This chair is neat.
Is this a barber chair? -Y-Yes, but here, but look,
Tato! -Tato, do her chair. -Oh! [ Chuckles ]
Wow. Wow, how high
does this chair go? -You don't know? This is a
limited edition prop. -[ Laughter ] -Next year, I'm going to buy
a goldfish. [ Laughs ] -That's great, man. Hey, um,
what is that hissing noise? -Oh, that is my chair melting. It is melting because
it is made of ice. -Yeah, okay. Well then, that explains the
leak I was talking about. -Mother, father,
I can't find my tube socks! -We're in the solarium.
-Join us, darling. We have strangers in the house. -This is our son, Noonie. -Wow, a, another "Noony." -No, no. "Nu-nee." -Noony, right. -Are you crazy?
That's my wife's name. You already met her.
"Nu-nee." -"Noo-nee."
-No, that is the name of an old person.
"Nu-nee." I'm young. Who do I think I am,
a grandmother? -Oh, forgive us,
we don't know your names. -Yeah, right.
I'm Greg, and this is Susan. -Sweezle? -No, Susan. -Pursol? -Su-san. -Hey-ho? -Susan! -Wer-wer.
-Shroom-thing. -Shrufus.
-Turtle. -No, Susan with an "S." -Oh, not "K?"
Like "K" in kite. -Let's fly a kite. -I want a kite for Christmas. -Shrufus, your name
is very difficult to pronounce. Who wants to change the subject? -I want to be a pop star.
-Oh. Our son has a wonderful talent
for music. -Noonie, share one of your
originals with us, please. -This is a song about insecurity
and when your body change. ♪♪♪ ♪ Running with wolves now ♪ ♪ I'm playing the game now ♪ ♪ Ignoring my friends now ♪ ♪ I'm dancing in the mirror ♪ ♪♪♪ -Wonderful. -He's a musical genius. -I want to perform in stadiums
around the world. -Yes, darling. Greasy, shoeshine, how do you
feel about our son's music? -Yes, do you think
he's a musical genius? -Yeah, best ever.
-I'm starting to get a little lightheaded.
Um, will somebody let me down? [ Crying ] -Child, what is the matter?
-Mama, I'm hungry. -All right, darling,
all right. Tato, Noonie needs nourishment.
-Right away. Who wants beef paste?
-Me, me, me, me, me, me! -Here comes the autobus.
[ Imitating sirens ] -Mm, mm,
Noonie loves beef paste. It's making my body grow. -How old did you say
your son was? -He's in his early to mid 30s. -All right, you know what?
I know I'm a guest here, but I'm just going to go ahead
and say this. Hey, Noonie, you're too old
to be acting like that. -But I'm 56.
-Not you. Noonie the son. Oh, forget it. Come on, Susan,
we're going to go home. -How do I get down?
-I don't know, this? -Will you be staying
for urchin? -Will we be staying
for urchin? Tell you what, we're gonna pass. And if you could just put some
towels around that ice chair, that would be fantastic. -Well, maybe we'll see
each other at the beach. -And maybe we won't.
Let's go, posey. -You have a lovely ceiling.
-Oh, what a sexy couple. -Yes, I found them
very intelligent. -Mother?
I want to go to the beach. -Oh, wonderful, idea,
baby boy. Tato, our beach helmets. -Thank you.
-Thank you, Tato. -Last one to the beach
is rotten. -That's correct.
I will tickle you. [Upbeat tune plays] -This is PBS. We now return
to a mildly enjoyable super old rerun of... -Thank you; thank you. Welcome back
to "The Lawrence Welk Show." Aren't these bubbles wonderful? If I could have them follow me
around everywhere, I would. But enough
about the wonderful bubbles. Let's continue on
with our salute to spring. And what comes with the spring? Romance. Here to sing about it is the handsome baritone
Ted Nathers, accompanied
by the Maharelle Sisters, who came all the way
from the Finger Lakes. They're lakes that look
like fingers, I guess. I don't travel. Ladies and gentlemen,
Ted Nathers. One, and a two, and... ♪ [Fingers snapping] ♪ Do you wanna know a secret? I love this corner. ♪♪♪ ♪ Boo ba ba doo,
ba ba doo, ba ba doo ♪ ♪ I like potatoes;
I like meat ♪ I like standin'
on the corner of a street ♪ ♪ It's my favorite place to be
and I'll tell you why ♪ ♪ It's because I get to see
the pretty ladies ♪ ♪ Passing by ♪ ♪♪♪ ♪ Hey, where ya goin'? ♪ -♪ I'm goin' to the park ♪ -♪ Hey, where ya headin'? ♪ -♪ Headin' to a party ♪ -♪ Hey where ya off to? ♪ -♪ Off to the parlor ♪ -♪ Hey, where ya goin'? ♪ -♪ And I'm Junice! ♪ ♪♪♪ -♪ Hey, there, ladies ♪ ♪ Before you go ♪ ♪ There is something
that I'm dyin' to know ♪ ♪ It's a tiny, tiny question,
hope you understand ♪ ♪ Tell me what you're
lookin' for ♪ ♪ In a man ♪ ♪♪♪ -♪ I like strong arms ♪ -♪ Well I got 'em ♪ -Ooh.
-♪ I like white teeth ♪ -♪ Hey look at 'em ♪ -♪ I like soft skin ♪ -♪ I use lotion ♪ -♪ I like can I touch? ♪ ♪♪♪ -Oh! Whoa! ♪♪♪ ♪♪♪ ♪ Well, thank you ladies,
for enlightenin' me ♪ ♪ I hope you give me a chance ♪ ♪ There's one more thing ♪ ♪ We'd like to see ♪ ♪ And that's if you can dance! ♪ Well, I certainly can try. -Ooh, boy!
-There he goes. -Wow! ♪
-Ooh! -Look at that! -♪ How's that? ♪ -♪ Ooh, that's nice ♪ -♪ And how's this? ♪ -♪ Do it twice ♪ -♪ How's this feel? ♪ -♪ Are you for real? ♪ -♪ Shall we dance ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪
-♪ Real close? ♪ ♪♪♪ [ Crash, glass breaks ] -♪ We'd like to tell you
that we all agree ♪ ♪ That you'd be
the perfect mate ♪ -♪ Then, there's only
one thing to decide ♪ ♪ Where will we go ♪ ♪ On our first date? ♪ -♪ We can go sailing ♪ -I like that idea.
-Oh! -♪ We can have a picnic ♪ -Oh. I hope there's no ants.
[ Laughter ] -♪ We can ride bikes ♪ -A bicycle built for two?
-Mmm. -♪ I put worms in my bed ♪ ♪ And slept in my bed ♪ ♪ And put a squirrel in my bed ♪ ♪ And mustard in my bed ♪ ♪ And then I ate 'em all ♪ ♪ Is that bad? ♪
-Yes, that is bad. -♪ A do do do do
do do do do ♪ ♪♪♪ -Thank you; thank you. Wasn't that wonderful? And, by wonderful,
I mean interesting. ♪♪♪ Please stay tuned as our salute
to spring continues with husband-and-wife
team Dana and Donna, -Stay back. Stay back. -singing the popular hymn
-Stay back. -"He Makes All Things
Beautiful in His Time." Now, a special word
from our sponsors: Pall Mall cigarettes, Coppertone tanning butter, and Morton salt. ♪♪♪ -Coming up on C-SPAN... [ Classical music plays ] ♪♪♪ But, first... ♪♪♪ [ Funk plays ]
-Welcome to the 2012 Funkytown Debate. I'm your moderator... I'd like to thank
Bootyskank University for hosting these debates. Let's meet our candidates. He's the current mayor
of Funkytown... -♪ Owwwww! ♪ -Next, we have
two-term city councilman from the All Party Party... -Oh, yeah. And, finally, third-party
candidate Janet Nichols. -Good evening. Hi. ♪♪♪ -Candidates, thank you all. Mayor Delicious, this first
question is for you. -♪ Here's a question for you ♪ -♪ What have you done
to earn a second term ♪ -♪ What have you done? ♪ ♪ What do you plan to do? ♪ -♪ Uh, well,
I'm glad that you asked ♪ [ Chuckling ] ♪♪♪ ♪ We have dirty water ♪ ♪ Said we gotta clean
this water ♪ ♪ And we clean the water ♪ ♪ And we clean it good ♪ ♪ Said I'd go under budget ♪ ♪ But I went over budget ♪ ♪ But we got clean water ♪ ♪ And we got nice schools ♪ ♪ Shag carpets in the streets ♪ ♪ Disco balls in the parks ♪ ♪ Ladies butts are bigger ♪ ♪ Mustaches are smaller ♪ Uh, let's keep
Funkytown workin'. Ah, ooh! -Thank you, Doctor. Captain Catfish, your response? -♪ What you gonna say? ♪ ♪ What you gonna say to that? ♪ -Thank you. First, let me introduce
my attaché: Mr. Galactic Fantastic. ♪♪♪ -♪ Let's get down
to the issues, yeah ♪ -What happened
to Funkytown, huh? This place used
to mean something. -♪ So special ♪ -Let me tell ya something. ♪ Yes, we are funky ♪ ♪ But we can get more funky ♪ ♪ Our sunglasses are big ♪ -♪ But they can be bigger,
yeah ♪ -♪ In this race,
I'm the only one ♪ ♪ From outer space ♪ -♪ Let's get out of this
world ♪ -♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ -Thank you, Captain. -Um, I'd like to talk
about fiscal responsibility. You know --
-Moving on! To questions from our audience. Our first one is
from Freaky Frankie, head of Funkytown's
Board of Tourism. -♪ Hello and hi ♪ ♪ There was a time
when people would ask ♪ ♪ Won't you take me
to Funkytown? ♪ ♪ Now, they just say,
won't you take me ♪ ♪ Through-ough-ough-ough-ough ♪ ♪ Funkytown? ♪ ♪ How do we bring
the tourists back? ♪ -Uh, well, I'm glad
you asked, Freaky Frankie. I know it's a problem,
but I would just say to you... ♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ -Excuse me. I'm gonna interrupt. The Doctor's flip-flopping. Today, he says... -♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ -But, four years ago,
he was asked the same question and he was like... -♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa ♪ -♪ And changin'
your answers, yeah ♪ -♪ I am not a flip-flopper ♪ -♪ You are
a flip-flopper ♪ -♪ This man is a liar ♪ -♪ I am not a liar ♪ -I-I have some ideas
for the tax code. -Moving on! Our next question is
from Cold Giblet Gravy. -♪ Oooooooooooooooooh! ♪ ♪ Captain, you're
a two-term councilman ♪ ♪ But you have
no executive experience ♪ ♪ What makes you qualified
to lead Funkytown? ♪ -I'm so glad you asked. If elected, I plan
to surround myself with the funkiest,
most qualified people. Like this. Hit it. Ladies and gentlemen,
my future cabinet. First and best
is my sweet First Lady. I'll be appointing her to head
of Commission on Fish Sandwiches. Jackie Too Nasty! Yeah! Minister of Kung Fu: Tasty Turkey! Yeah! Head of the police department: Exotic Robotic. City Comptroller Diaper Jones. Go, Diaper. Go, Diaper. And, finally, my vice mayor
will be this giant wig. ♪♪♪ So, everybody,
what do y'all say? -♪ Let us lead you, Funkytown ♪ -♪ Oh oh oh oh ♪
-♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪ -♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ -Thank you, Captain. When we come back,
we'll ask Doctor Delicious about allegations that he has
never had a sex scandal. -It's a lie! ♪ I just got freaky with Janet ♪ -It's true. It's true. -When we return... -♪ When we come back, now ♪ -♪ Yeah ♪ -Well, should we start eating, or should we wait
for Robin and Dane? -Are they still coming?
They're two hours late. -Well, I guess now that they're
big reality TV stars, they think they can
just show up whenever. -Oh, come on, don't do that.
They're our friends. And they're great on "Kings
and Queens of Santa Clarita." -Do you think they've changed? -I'm sure they're the same old down-to-earth people
we remember. -Oh, my God!
We are late! We are the worst! -We suck so bad and so hard
for so long. I need hugs from everyone. -Ooh, so do I! Hugs! Ooh, I got to hug my girls. -And where are my bros? Let me punch your butts
and slap your sacks. -Oh, you meant that. -I can't tell you how great
it is to be out of L.A. and back in Flagstaff
with my normies. -Give me reg peeps over
Holly-woo-woo any day. -Well, I'd offer you a drink, but it looks like you walked in
with full glasses of wine. -We did. It's ours. We just started our own line
of weight-loss wine. How coo is that? -Yeah, it's called Slimfandel! It's got caffeine, olestra,
and fen-phen in it. -You get so much energy, and then you go to the bathroom
11 times a day. -Yeah, and then
another 11 at night. -Oh, wow. -We brought bottles
for all of you. The labels are wrong, though. They got Carla from "The Chew"
on it. -Yeah, she backed out,
so they came to us. How faboo is that? -Yeah, that's -- that's great. So, um, your faces
are different now. -Yeah, thank you.
They are. They really are. Mm-hmm. -We got the most expensive
procedure from the cheapest doctor
we could find. -Well, it certainly looks
like that. -Aww!
-Aww! -Do you want
to put your dog down? -No.
-No, no, she doesn't walk. She hates it.
-Mm-hmm. -Walking is for babies. -She didn't like it. And now she can't. She doesn't have leg muscles. -She got so hot when she walked. -Oh, God. Oh, I just feel so grounded
being back here, right? -Well, should we sit down,
catch up? -Oh, yeah, great idea.
You know what? Actually, our camera crew
is outside. Do you guys mind if we just film
a little bit of this? -Like us?
You want us on your show? -Yeah, just us catching up
and talking. It'll be like a sweet
back-home moment, you know,
showing people our roots. -Sure, yeah, I guess so.
That could be fun. -Ha, totally. Hey, come on in, guys.
They're cool with it. -Hey, guys, just act like
we're not here, and action. -You are a manipulative skank. And you wish you had
everything I have. -What?
-You need to own it. -You need to own your BS. -Excuse me? -Hey, don't you dare
yell at my wife. I ought to hit you over the head
with my dog. -Oh, and, Tina,
here's some panties. -Yeah, Tina! -Next time wear then. You've been showing your chooch
all night. -Exactly, Tina. -My husband's eyes are about to
pop out of his head. -I'm a red-blooded American boy,
after all. -What is happening? -Oh, buddy, don't make me
hit you with my dog. Because I will do it. Peanut is locked and loaded. -Hey, why didn't you come to
our vows renewal in Catalina? -I didn't know. -Oh, well, we did it
right after I cheated on her. Everyone was there. Literally everyone but you,
you bitch! Also, my wife
can't have chicken! What is it, Tom? What is it? Chicken! She can't have it!
-Chicken. -Burt, what is this? -It's chicken, like he said. -My wife...can't...
have...chicken! -I stopped eating anything
that can talk. -If you watch the show,
you would know this. I told you she outgrew
these "C" words. -And cut.
That was awesome, you guys. -Great.
Thanks for doing that, guys. -Yeah, they're gonna e-mail you
all release forms. Ooh, can we use your bathroom?
-Oh, yes, please. -Why, so you can poop out
your energy wine? -Oh, no, no, no, we're just
gonna do drugs in there. -Yeah. -It's Thanksgiving, and it wouldn't be the holidays
without Heinz. -Honey, can you
pass the ketchup? -Well, I'm just happy that we're
all together for Thanksgiving. [ Bottle sputters ]
-Whoa, easy there, Greg. [ Laughter ] -That wasn't me.
That was the ketchup bottle. -You sure about that, Dad? [ Laughter ] -Yeah, I'm very sure. I didn't cut a fart
at Thanksgiving dinner. I wouldn't do that. It's not who I am. -Yeah, Dad, we know. -It happens every year. The ketchup bottle makes
an innocent noise, and everyone thinks you
ripped one at the dinner table. They say they believe you, but
you know what they're thinking. It's made every Thanksgiving
a living hell. Until now. Introducing Heinz Relax, the ketchup you know and love
without the uncomfortable noise. Now when you squeeze the bottle, it simply lets out
a relaxing sigh. So this Thanksgiving,
things will be different. -Honey, can you
pass the ketchup? -Oh, sure. -Can I just say,
I am so grateful to be here. [ Bottle moans ] -What was that? -That was the soothing sound
of Heinz Relax. Looks like this bottle's
almost empty. [ Bottle moaning ] -Kind of sounds like -- -A relaxed sigh.
I know. -That ain't what that
sounds like. -Hey, everyone just...relax. [ Bottle moaning ] -Spare yourself
from further embarrassment with our whole family
of Heinz Relax products. Glass bottles.
[ Bottle grunting ] Mustard.
[ Bottle moaning ] Even mayo.
[ Bottle moaning ] -Mom, may I be excused? -Absolutely. Wait, where are you going
with that? -My room.
-No, put that down. -The boy loves ketchup,
just like his old man. -Heinz Relax, now available
at your local supermarket. Must be 18 or older to buy.
