-What you say your name was?
-Pussy, Pussy Galore. -Are you kidding me?! Is anybody hearing this?
I mean, come on. ♪♪ -When it's middle of the day,
that can only mean it's... "Midday with Jennifer Hicks." [ Cheers and applause ] -Hello! Hello! And welcome to "Midday." I'm Jennifer Hicks. Today on the show,
we're happy -- very happy to welcome three of the most notorious archvillains
the world has ever known. Auric Goldfinger. [ Cheers and applause ] Ernst Stavro Blofeld. [ Cheers and applause ] And Emilio Largo. Yes. These three gentlemen
have teamed up to write this book, "Going for It: The Complete Guide
to Global Extortion." Gentlemen, welcome to "Midday." Now, each of you
have come very close to achieving world domination, and yet, in every case, your plans have been thwarted
by one man... James Bond. If you had to do it over again, how would you handle Bond. [ Indistinct conversation ] -I think, Jennifer,
that there's one thing that Ernst, Auric,
and I agree on, and we make this point
in our book -- If James Bond manages
to infiltrate your complex and you capture him, just -- just kill him. Yeah, yeah. Just shoot him. -Amen!
-Yeah. -Bang!
-Don't keep him alive for even a little while. Put a bullet in him
and get on with your plans. -Yep. -There are fancier ways
to kill him, but why risk it? If you're close enough to Bond
to drop a tarantula on him, you're close enough
to shoot him. If you're close enough
to drip poison down a thread into his mouth, you're close enough
to shoot him. Why make it complicated? Shoot the bum. But if for some reason, you decide to use a more
exotic method of execution, say the slowly-moving
laser beam, stay there until he's dead. And for God's sake,
whatever you do, don't tell him your plan.
-That's right. -Right, yeah.
-Mm-hmm. -Now, we know you're dying
to talk about it. I mean,
you're proud of your plan. You've worked hard on it, and naturally, you want
to talk about it -- just don't talk about it
to Bond. -Well, now, why not? If you've subdued him
and taken his gun away, where's the harm? -Jennifer,
I wish I had a gold bar for every time I said that, and then Bond escaped with one
of those little gadgets of his. -You've got to search him
very thoroughly. Personally, I favor
a complete strip search and rectal exam. Well, it's fool-proof,
and I know how much he hates it. [ Laughter ] -Takes a lot of the fight
out of him. -[ Chuckling ] Yes, it does. -Although, sometimes,
you can miss the forest for the trees. This is a true story. Once I searched Bond, and I was so intent
on taking all his gadgets away, I forgot to take his gun. He shot me in the shoulder
and escaped. -[ Chuckles ]
-True story. -Yeah, I wouldn't mind him
escaping if he'd just leave, but he comes back a little later and blows up the whole place, you know, usually,
just when you're about to launch your missile.
-Yeah. That's why we say in the book, keep the countdowns short. You don't need
a five-hour countdown. That just gives Bond
too much time. -Yeah.
-What's wrong with, three, two, one, goodbye! -Yeah, another suggestion that
we make for the control room is don't let Bond near
your self-destruct button. And whatever you do,
don't label it. -But, frankly, I question
the wisdom of having a self-destruct button at all. -Amen to that. -Well, now, it must be
tremendously expensive to set up an underground
headquarters/lair. -Aw, forget about it.
-Yeah. -Plus, you got to provide
everything on-site, like, say, a cafeteria. Otherwise, you got your people wandering down
to the local village in their orange jumpsuits, having a few drinks
and talking about the hollowed-out volcano
they live in, work in. Yeah. -Another problem we've had
is price gouging. Once they hear it's for Blofeld, pfft! -Hey, what about Goldfinger? I order
a $600 incinerator chair, you know, for bunglers, and, all of a sudden,
it's $15,000. -Well, the key is to never
use your own money. You see, for instance, when Bond
blew up my undersea complex, I didn't take a bath. Crocker Bank took a bath. -You know... I noticed in the book, you differ on the question
of sharks versus piranhas. -[ Chuckling ] Well, I know that
our Auric and Ernst are going to disagree with me on this, but I'm a shark man myself. I mean, they're big,
they're scary, and you can see them. -I'm for piranhas, Jennifer,
and I'll tell you why. Bond can kill three
or four sharks. There's no way he's going
to kill 300 of 400 piranhas. -Well, now, why can't
you just use both? -Well, maybe. I-It's an idea. But shark versus piranha is
a topic for a whole show, believe me. -Well, I am afraid
it's going to have to be because we have just about
run out of time. But there is on thing that I'd like to ask you,
Mr. Goldfinger. I don't mean to pry, but I always thought
you were German. You seem to speak
with a New-York accent. -Well, I was born
and raised in Queens. So, you're not German at all? -No, that was a time when,
I guess, I was running away
from a lot of things. But now I like myself. I'm settled down, married to a wonderful woman. -Oh! Oh, right. You married
Pussy Galore, didn't you? -No. No. No, her sister, Peggy Galore. -And you still love only gold. -I love mainly gold. -Alright.
What about you, Mr. Blofeld? What's next for you? -Oh, I'd rather not say. Just watch the papers. -Mr. Largo?
-[ Chuckles ] Oh, hell. I'm retired.
-Oh, alright. Well, thanks.
That's all for today. Join us tomorrow at midday. I'm Jennifer Hicks. ♪♪ [ Buzzer blares ] -Miss Moneypenny,
will you come in here, please? -Something wrong? -Have you seen these bills
from 007's last assignment? £12,000 for hotel suites,
six trips on the Concorde, eight cases
of Taittinger's champagne. Who the devil does
he think he is? -Sir, that was a very
dangerous mission. Bond pulled it off beautifully. -I know that. Now, perhaps if you
can set aside your schoolgirl crush
for one moment, perhaps you can tell me why
a balinese back-walking session is being charged to
the British government. -It was in the line of duty. The woman tried
to electrocute him. -Or so he claims. He's abusing
the expense vouchers to support his
sybaritic lifestyle, and I won't stand for it. Where is 007? -Didn't you know?
He's on holiday in the Bahamas. -What? Out spending more
of England's money again? -No, sir,
I made it quite clear to him that his holiday expenses
were strictly his own. He understands that.
-Yes, but why this week? He knew I had a mission for him. -Well, sir, he flew
the super saver. The ticket was only good
for this week. -What?! -Well, plus,
his frequent-flier discount was about to expire. -I don't believe this. -Frankly, sir,
when it's his own money, Commander Bond can be a bit... well, I don't want
to say miserly, but it's the Scottish thing --
very tight with the dollar. -007?
-Oh, yes. It's a side of him
we seldom see. [ "James Bond theme" plays ] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -James, darling,
I want you to relax. You're on holiday now. -Alright, darling. -Would you care for a drink,
madam? -Oh! No. No, thank you. -Sir? -Yes, I'll have
a vodka Martini -- shaken, not stirred. -Right away, sir. -Uh, how much is that? -$4.25. -Ooh. Ouch! Uh, what if I use
the house brand? -It's the same price, sir. -Oh. Well, um...
what kind of beer do you have? -Heineken, Beck's, Amstel Light, Corona... -Ahh, Corona.
I'll have a Corona -- shaken, not stirred... Exactly 42 degrees Fahrenheit. -$2.75. -[ Whistles ] Boy, I told you we
should have come at happy hour. -Gregory. Tonight, Mr. Bond's drinks
will be complimentary. ♪♪ -Goldsting! -So, Mr. Bond, we meet again. -So, this is your game now, peddling alcohol
to the highest bidder. -I'm a businessman, Bond. Do you play baccarat? -Yes. Oh, now? Now. Sure. -Deal Mr. Bond a hand,
would you, Victoria? -James, be careful.
Goldsting does not like to lose. -Oh, like I do? Alright. I'll bet... Mmm... £1. -I'm sorry, but the minimum
bet at this table is £10. -Then you will not
accept my wager? -[ Sighs ] -Player wins. Natural nines.
-Oh, yes! Yes! Yes! [ Laughing ] -Your beer, sir. Shaken. -well, Goldsting. It appears that
you've been stung. -You forget, Mr. Bond,
the honeybee stings only once, and then he dies. -Yes, but the scorpion
can sting many times and live to tell the tale. -But you forget, Mr. Bond, the scorpion can be
crushed underfoot. -Yes. -Oh, get out! -Let's go, darling. -Uh, Mr. Bond, your accent --
something about it puzzles me. I can't quite place it. -Well, I can't quite place
yours, either, Goldsting. -That's because mine
is English. -Oh, really? Well... Complimentary pretzels, darling? ♪♪ -The pretzels are no longer
complimentary, Mr. Bond. -It seems like I remember
a convenience store around the corner where
the pretzels were on sale. -I love pewter.
-[ Chuckles ] Well, I can't have you
running around naked where we're going,
although some people do in... Orlando. -Darling, I know I'm going to love Epcot. -[ Chuckles ] Drink your champagne, darling. -I don't need this. I need you. Don't tease me, James. Don't torture me. You know what I want. Come to bed, darling! I'm mad about you, mad! Mad, mad. Oh, James, darling! Oh! Oh, yes! You're a maniac! Take me! Take me now! Oh, James! Oh, James! Oh...James! ♪♪ -You're watching the James Bond
movie marathon on TBS. We now return to
"Live Another Death." ♪♪ -Alright, gentlemen,
we're down to three players. Mr. Bond... Mr. Le Chiffre... and Mr. Bodine. -I told you to call me Dwayne. -Okay, Dwayne. The bet has been raised
to 500,000. -You haven't played many hands,
Mr. Bond. What's the matter? Run out of luck? -The night is young, Le Chiffre. I believe cards, like women, should be handled with care. -Oooh! You know he practiced that
in the mirror. You know something? I like you guys. I wasn't even gonna
come down here -- my wife wanted
to go take some pictures of some old church, and then I found out this
poker tournament was going on. And I'm like,
"Forget that, honey. I'm playing some cards!" -Charming. -Hey. What's with your face?
That scar? You try to make out
with a weed whacker or something? -Yes, Le Chiffre. It looks awfully painful. -It's nothing compared
to the pain you'll experience, Mr. Bond. -Oh, you guys get a room. Are we going to play cards
or what? I can't ditch
the old lady forever. You know, I took her
to Monte Carlo because the first time we ever had sex was in the back
of a Monte Carlo. But don't you tell her that,
alright? -May I offer anyone a drink? -Nothing for me. -Dry Martini, shaken, not stirred. -I'm good.
[ Cans pops ] You know, I snuck in
a couple of Coors Lights. You can't beat
the silver bullet, right, Lachief? -It's Le Chiffre. And may I ask how exactly
you were able to buy into this game? -Oh, that's a great story. See, I tripped
crossing the street, and some rich dude
ran over my legs. Now I'm living large! Hot babe alert 3:00! Whoo, whoo! Ooh! Ooh! Man! -Hello, James. -Hello, Pussy. -What?! -I see you two already
know each other, eh, Mr. Bond? -I'm sorry, James. -Hold up. Can we throw this in reverse
for a second? What you say your name was? -Pussy, Pussy Galore. -Are you kidding me?! Is anybody hearing this? I mean, come on. -So, Pussy,
I see you've switched sides. -Sorry, James.
They have my brother. If I don't do it, Le Chiffre
says they're going to kill him. -I'm sorry.
I got to get this on video. Could you look in the phone
and say that name one more time? -It's...Pussy Galore. -[ Laughs ]
-Whoo! Can you believe that, boys? Monte Carlo, baby! -Gentlemen, let's --
let's try to focus on the game, please. The action is to Mr. Bond. -I'm all in. -Oh, he's bluffing. Look at that bluff.
Bluffer! Bluffer! -Your Martini, Mr. Bond. -If you're so sure of victory, why don't you enjoy
a celebratory cocktail? -Hey. I think that dude just
roofied your drink. -You fold. -Uh-oh. That's my cue
to get the hell out of here. I'll let you boys
figure this out. I'm going to try out
that fancy French toilet that shoots water up my butt. -Thanks for the heads-up, Mr...? -Bodine. Dwayne Bodine. ♪♪ -This month,
celebrate 50 years of James Bond
with the complete Bond series. Every movie, every Bond, and, of course, every Bond Girl, including a few
lesser known girls you may have forgotten
from every era, like Diane Keaton in
"Never Die Twice Tomorrow." -So, what's a nice girl like you
doing in a place like this? -Oh, geez. Well, you know,
it's gonna sound so dumb. What a jerk, yeah. Anyway, prepare to die. [ Laughs ]
I guess. I don't know. -Jodie Foster in
"Kill Me Once, Shame On You." -Mr. Bond, sir, I want to thank you very much
for that speedboat ride, sir. I felt so young and girlish with the wind blowing
through my hair. If you want, you may kiss me
on the mouth now, sir. ♪♪ -Lea Michele in
"Hippopotopussy." -Oh, Mr. Bond! [ Giggles ] I don't mean to show off, but I found a code
to the missile. And it sounds a little
something like this. ♪ X-1-5-2-7-5 ♪ -No! No. ♪ X-1-5-2-7-4 -- ♪
-N-No! No. ♪ X-1-8-1 -- ♪
-Just stand there. Stand there. Thank you. -Molly Ringwald in
"The Man Who Was A Gun." ♪♪ Ellen DeGeneres in
"Honey, I Killed the Spy." -I love the beach. You ever get sand in your shoe? Thanks. I got home from the beach
the other week, and there was
so much sand in the shoe, and I was like, "Hey, sand,
how'd you get in my shoe? Get out." Then I was like, "Oh, okay. So, now I just talked to sand." I'm just kidding. Thanks, that's my time.
I'm Ellen. -And Penny Marshall in
"Quantum of Leap." -Oh, geez. Come over here
and get on the bed. Yeah, sit down. I've been waiting all
afternoon for you. Now unzip my fly and go to town. -Jus-- Not -- No.
Do you mind? -What'd I get on you?
-It's just, I've -- I've just had it cleaned. -I didn't touch nothing. I'm sitting here on the bed.
-Is it on my back? -There's nothing on your back. Geez, you had
the longest day ever. You come here to the bed,
and you're complaining already. -See them all
in the complete Bond series. The perfect gift
for dads or dads. -♪ 525,600 missiles ♪ ♪♪
That smolder from Bill Hader, though.
I remember one from late 80s early 90s where Bond was a diagnosed with every STD under the sun (including one previously only found in sharks) and had to call all of his old partners to inform them. Probably long lost....