-Uh, great landscaping job. Did you do that yourself?
-You bet. Hey! There's gonna be a meeting
between your ass and the palm of my hand if you don't get off
the shed! Now get off the shed! ♪♪ -And in my opinion, that's
how we make the fire go away. -Oh, wow. Simply wow. Uh, thank you so much to
Samantha's dad for that enlightening demonstration.
[ Chuckles ] All right, class. To continue our Career Day
presentations, we will now turn it over
to Mordecai's father, Abraham H. Parnassus. -Dude, what does your dad
even do? -I don't want to
talk about it. -I heard he's, like, super old.
Is that true? -I don't know. He's a dad.
Dads are old. [ Laughter ] -Greetings, children. I'm Mordecai's father. Hello, boy. How are you? Look at your father, boy. Look upon your father
with pride. -I see you, man. -All right. Uh... Mr. Parnassus, why don't you
tell us about what you do
for a living? -Hear me now, children. For my occupation
is of much import. For 82 years,
I have been an oil man. A baron, some have called me. Now, what does an oil baron do? The answer -- Crush your enemies! Grind their bones into dirt! Make them regret
they were ever born! -Oh, sick! -Oh, wow.
Right into the dirt. [ Chuckles ]
Now, if the kids want to pursue a career in oil, what kind of
traits would serve them well? -Oil is not for the weak. It is the Earth's milk, and only the strong may
suckle at Mother's teat. You hear me, boy? Only the strong! Look at me, boy.
Look at your father. Look at me! -Look at him, Mordecai.
-Dad, this is embarrassing. -One man came close to
breaking me -- H.R. Pickens. He did not succeed. For I crushed him
into the ground! -Who is H.R. Pickens? -Exactly! -Samantha, you got to stop it,
honey, okay? Uh, well, Mr. Parnassus, the oil business must be
pretty lucrative, right? -Oil has little to do with
profit, marm. -Okay... -Oil is about domination
of the spirit. Allow me to demonstrate.
Children, point to the weakest
in your class, and we shall ruin their spirit,
as I ruined the spirit of H.R. Pickens
so long ago. -Word? -You are weak like
H.R. Pickens. -Feel this, boy. Understand the pain. You think I was always
the picture of strength that I am now? -Dad, you couldn't get out
of bed for a week 'cause the mattress
was too soft. -Mind over flesh, boy. I was born seven months
too early. Incubation technology
was still in its infancy, so, they placed me
in a cast-iron pot inside of a pizza oven until I was ripe enough
to walk! My bones never hardened, but my spirit did. Be strong and crush
your enemies! -Well, this has been
outstanding, Mr. Parnassus, but unfortunately we're
running out of time. Boo! Now, does anyone else have
any last questions for Mordecai's dad? -Yeah, yeah.
I get that you're an oil baron, but what do you actually do
all day? -Perhaps I was not clear. Luckily,
I brought a visual aid, which will illuminate the ins
and outs of the oil industry. ♪♪ This dead bird represents those who would
wish you ill. Once proud, flying high
above the Earth in bloody defiance
of her gifts. And now you return her
to Earth, naked and defeated. I outlived you, H.R. Pickens! I crushed you into the ground! And now your bones turn to oil beneath my living feet! I married your granddaughter, filled her belly with
my festering seed, and sired a boy! He is my final revenge, H.R.! -Dad, come on.
[ Clapping ] I want to be you
when I grow up. -And so you shall! Now, children, I was asked to
bring a healthy snack, so join me in the hall
for swine livers and Capri Suns. -All right, kids.
Go out and eat those pig guts. [ Cheers and applause ] -Hey, there. How you doing?
-Hi. -You must be Frank Henderson.
-I sure am. I don't know we've --
that we've met before. -I'm John Taylor.
I'm Tom's brother. -Okay.
-This is my wife, Susan. -Oh, that's right,
the Taylors. I'm sorry. As you can tell,
someone didn't forget to take their stupid pills
this morning. [ Laughter ] Hey, honey,
the Taylors are here. We can start the party.
-Oh, that's sweet. Hey, is John here yet? -Well, speak of the devil,
your brother just phoned and he's stuck in traffic,
so he and Susan will be about a half hour late.
-Okay. -Hey, Brandon? Michael?
[ Children playing ] Need you guys to do me a favor
and get off the shed. [ Children playing ] Need you to be a buddy
and get off the shed, okay? Thanks. Well, I hope you two are hungry.
We got a ton of food here. -I am absolutely famished. We just finished 18
at Pebble Brook, and I tell you what,
I could eat a cow. Mmm! -Would you like
some potato salad with that cow of yours?
[ Laughter ] Hi, I'm Shirley.
-Hi, I'm Tom Taylor. This is my wife, Susan.
-Hi. -Thank you so much
for having us over. -Well, we've heard so many great
things about you two. Hey, guys? I mean it. Let's get off the shed. -Can I get you
a glass of Chardonnay? -Oh.
-Yeah, yeah. -Yeah, that would be lovely.
-Great. Well, you just make
yourselves comfortable, and I'll be right back.
-Okay. -You know, you and Susan
should really join us for a round of golf sometime.
-Oh, you know what? We're just nuts about the game.
We'd love to. But I gotta warn you,
Susan's a scratch golfer. -Oh.
-Oh. Well, you know,
I've been playing forever. Actually, this is a cute story. We met on a golf course
in Scotland when we were -- -Get off the shed! How about next Sunday? Pebble Brook,
12:00 tee-off time. What do you say? -Sounds good.
-Yeah. Maybe we can get John and Sally
out for the game. -Oh, boy.
I don't know about John. I mean, he's a great guy
and everything, but as far as golf go,
well, let's just say he spent a little
too much money on those clubs of his. Get off the damn shed! I just bought a brand-new
MacGregor three-wood, and I'll tell you,
that thing is smooth. Drives just like a Cadillac. -Believe me, I'd rather be
driving the Cadillac. -[ Laughs ] -Mmm, you smell good. -Thank you. -Uh, great landscaping job. Did you do that yourself?
-You bet. Hey! There's gonna be a meeting
between your ass and the palm of my hand if you don't get off the shed! Now, get off the shed! What do you think
of the fountain? You like that?
-Oh, it's a great fountain. -Yeah, it's a dandy.
-Love it. -Whoo, what time did you say
John was gonna drop by? -Oh, gosh. I forgot to call and tell you that he said he can't come,
just to go ahead and eat, but he'll be here
for dessert and coffee. -Why didn't he just say
he doesn't like my burgers? [ Laughter ] I will punch you in the face if you don't get off the shed! Now get off the shed! Get off the shed! Get off the damn shed! -Hey, honey,
those look about done. -They sure do. Chow time just moments away. -You know what, I -- Oh, I am not feeling well.
-Oh. -You know, we might have
to take a rain check. -Yeah.
-Oh, you just need your drinks freshened. I'll be right back. -Okay. The burger train
just pulled into bun station. Look at these babies. Excuse me, can you hold on
to that for a second? Okay. So you've been showin' off
for the Taylors, huh? Is that it? Well, I'm gonna put on
a little show of my own! I'm gonna give you
the beating of a lifetime in front of these people. You happy now? -Get off the shed!
-Get off the shed! -Please get off the shed!
-Please get off! -Get off the shed, boys!
-Oh, please. -Oh --
-They got off the shed. Yeah. Thank you. Appreciate that.
-[ Breathing heavily ] -Here you go. -Thank you. -Hey, Brandon? Michael? I need you to do me a favor
and get out of the fountain. Need you to be a buddy
and get out of the fountain. [ Cheers and applause ] -I think...
[ Giggles ] Kyle -- I think Kyle is so cute. -Oh, yes!
-He's so cute. -His laugh --
he's so sincere. -Plus, he's so tall.
He's, like, 4'10". -Oh, yeah.
-So tall. [ Knock on door ] -Knock, knock! Who's there?
It's One Direction! [ Laughs ] I'm just goofing.
It's your dad. -Dad, get out of here.
You're embarrassing me. -I'm sorry, my little angel. I just wanted to stop by
and gossip with the ladies. -No, Dad! I'm serious. I told you to sit
in the bathroom all night. Go away! -All right, all right. I'm going to see you later,
girly gators. [ Chuckles ] -Sorry my dad is so lame. -Yeah, what a dork. -Okay, you guys need to
shut the hell up because that is the realest man
I have ever seen. -Melanie, stop.
That's my dad. -Ooh, I will not. Okay, he had my body quaking,
okay? Like, honestly, I could have
my first cigarette right now. -But he's old.
He's, like, 34. -Okay, my dad is 78. And he looks like a hamburger
with eyes. I mean... Honestly, like, compared
to your dad, like, my dad looks dead. -Can we go back to talking
about Kyle? -Ooh!
[ Excited chatter ] -His lips are always
so red from Gatorade. -Okay, Kyle is a whisper
of a boy. Mr. Gorman
is a shout of a man. -Hey, girls,
I know I received strict instructions to scram, but I brought you some snacks. -Oh, my God, hottie alert.
Hottie alert. -They're...
They're PB&Js, but they are all-natural
so, technically, they're ANPB&Js. [ Laughs ] -Oh, my God.
My neck is soaked right now. -So, what are we gabbing
about tonight? How's school going? -Dad, we don't want to talk
about school. -Yeah, this is a slumber party. -Um, school's actually going
really good for me. I'm getting an A-plus
in Sex Ed. -Ugh!
We don't have that class. -Yeah, and also you're
getting all Ds. -That's probably why you had
to repeat seventh grade twice. -Um, no. It's because I threw out
my back, and my mom gave me
an adult Vicodin, and I fell asleep
for a year. [ Chuckles ] So, Mr. Gorman, let's just say
I'm very comfortable on my back. -Okay.
Let's<i> not</i> say that. Do I need to have your mother
come and pick you up? -No! No, please. Oh, my God, my mom's a bitch! Like, I really want
to stay here. I will respect everything,
Mr. Gorman. -Okay. You can stay,
but please, let's, let's watch the language.
-Okay. And that is how you
play the game. -Girls, I think it's time
for a dance party. -Yeah!
-All right. -♪ You and your fancy car,
top down... ♪ -What is this?
What is this, hip-hop? I think even dads can get down
with this jam. This is great. -♪ You got to beg and plead ♪ -Oh, my God.
Oh, my God. Look at him. I need to lay face down
on my hands on a bean bag right now. -What's the matter, ladies? You didn't realize the old man
still had some moves, huh? -Oh, I know you got the moves.
Ooh, yeah. -Okay, all right, Melanie.
All right, I think it is -- I think it's time for you to go.
I'm going to call your mother. Okay?
-No! Please! I want to stay.
My mom's a bitch. She's doing Jenny Craig, and
she's making me do it with her. It sucks.
I miss chips! -Okay.
Okay, you can stay. -Thank you. And if you are looking
for your dad, he's in the palm of my hand. -Hey, let's play
Truth or Dare. -Oh, yeah!
-Okay. I'll go first,
and I choose dare. And I dare myself
to kiss your dad. Yes, baby.
-No, no, no, no, no. Okay, no, listen, okay.
You have to go. Where's Melanie's mother?
Can you please come in here? -What?!
No! How is my mom here. -I called her as soon
as I met you. -Oh, no. She's a bitch! She won't let me
shave my legs, and I need to, like, so bad. -I'm sorry about her. -It's okay.
Thirteen is a crazy age. -Oh, no. She's not 13.
She's 25. We lied to her about how long
she was in that Vicodin coma, so she's super-horned up
but doesn't know why. -Oh, Mom, I want to stay! Oh, my God.
-Okay, it's -- -I want to stay.
-No, it's time for you to go. Okay, let's get off
the bean bag. -♪ Yeah, take me
for a ride, baby ♪ -No, no, okay. Okay... [ Cheers and applause ] -Hey, dude.
-Hey, man. -Are you busy right now? Can you grab a coffee
or something? -Yeah, of course.
Is everything okay? -Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just want to run some stuff
by you real quick. -Okay. Let's do it. So, what's going on?
You nervous about the show? -No. I'm feeling okay
about the show. I'm more excited
than anything else. -Oh, good.
So, what's up? -Um, do you remember
I met your family last week at the show? -Oh, yeah.
They actually loved you. My mom thought you
were hilarious. -Yeah. Well, there's actually
kind of an issue with that. -Like, what kind of issue? -Well, since then... I've, um -- I've sort of been... seeing your dad. -What's that? -Andy, I've been dating
your dad. -Like, my dad, dad? -Like your father, Ben,
Ben Samberg, -So what? You guys, like,
hung out or something? -Quite a bit, actually.
-When? -So, last week, remember
when we all had dinner? -Yeah. -You remember
when we all parted ways? -Uh-huh.
-All right, well, I had to run back in because
I had forgotten my scarf. And who should walk in
but your dad, and he had forgotten
his gloves. Neither of us were tired,
so we were like, "Hey, why don't we just go
grab a beer or something?" -You grabbed a beer
with my dad? -Yes. Just listen. Okay? So, we got a beer. And we just started talking. And truth be told, he is one of the most
fascinating people I've ever met in my life. [ Laughter ] -Is this a joke?
-No. I mean, I wish it was joke. It would be easier
if it was a joke. It's just that Ben is --
-My dad. -Yes, your dad.
My boyfriend, whatever. -So you guys, like,
hung out, but it's not as if you're... -No, no, no, no, no, no. It's gotten
extraordinarily physical. I mean... take that however
you want to take it. [ Laughter and applause ] [ Laughter continues ] I'm not usually a coffee guy. Ben's got me trying all sorts
of crazy things these days. -Right. Uh, I got to be honest, man. I'm really not cool with this. -I know it sounds insane. It sounds nuts,
but this isn't just some fling. I love him.
I love him. And I don't know
how else to say it. I just -- I feel
a connection with him I've never felt
with anybody else in my life. We just have so much fun
together. I mean, when we're together,
we laugh and we laugh and we laugh and we laugh
and we laugh some more. [ Laughter ] So how do we go on from here? -Dude, you're dating
my 57-year-old father. -Why is everyone freaking out
about the age thing? You sound like your mom
right now. -Oh, my poor mom. -I know this is tough. But even if I lose a friend
over this... I like to think
that I gained a son. -Okay.
-Uh-oh. Here's my guys. Andy. Jonah. -Hi, baby. -Andy, I've been meaning
to tell you, Jonah and I are dating. -I'm sorry.
I told him already. -Blabbermouth. -I know. I'm the worst. -Hey, Ben, I'm ready to go. -Andy, Jonah,
how do you guys know Ben? -Uh, he's my dad. -Small world.
We've been [bleep]. [ Laughter and applause ] [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
