-7, 8. ♪ Ga goo goo ga,
ga goo goo ga ♪ ♪ Ga, ga, ga ga ♪ -Got it. ♪ Ga goo goo ga,
ga goo goo ga ♪ ♪ Ga, ga, ga ga ♪ -Okay, it's not just the sounds. You have to do the movement
that goes with the sounds. -Then I don't have it. ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -Ooh! Wow! How now. -[ Vocalizing ]
-Okay, hey, g-guys. Everybody! [ Clap ]
Guys, everybody. If we can settle down. We can settle down,
please, okay? As you know, as you all know,
Broadway is in trouble and that's why we're all here. Now, you know me. I am the Phantom of the Opera. -And I'm Mark, from the -- from "Rent," the Pulitzer Prize-
winning musical. -Unbelievable. Alright, look, guys, we know it's bad out there
and we are all struggling. -Yeah. Some people are even
having a hard time paying rent! -Oh, my God. Please, don't do that anymore. Okay, first off,
is, uh, is everyone here? -Everyone except Jeremy Piven, but I don't think
he has a good excuse. -I don't doubt it.
-Huh. -Alright, well, that's okay. Alright, we need
everyone's best ideas to save Broadway, alright? So let's get started.
Yes, you. -♪ Meow meow meow,
meow meow meow meow ♪ It is I, the magical
Mr. Mistoffelees, and here's my suggestion -- we need to feel the wonder! -Oh, man. Oh, you people from "Cats." You think you're so great,
you know that? [ Scoff ] Seriously, you think you're
the Michael Jordan of Broadway. [ Scoff ]
-Who's that? -What is that?
-Who is that? -Wait a minute.
No, no. You guys don't know
who Michael Jordan is? -No. -What?
Guys, he was like the, uh, the Tommy Tune of basketball. -[ Gasp ]
-Oh! -Tommy Tune.
-Yeah, there you go. There you go.
Yeah, that's right, yeah. Yeah, yeah, exactly.
Okay, come on. Alright, guys, let's see.
Who's next? Alright. Okay,
what about you, Music Man? ♪♪ -♪ We got a ♪ ♪ Devil of a pickle ♪ ♪ Puttin' people into seats ♪
-Uh-huh. -♪ We got actors being forced
to find real jobs ♪ ♪ Well, we got trouble ♪ ♪ Right here in New York City ♪ ♪ I'm talking trouble
with a capital "T" ♪ ♪ That rhymes with "C"
and That stands for ♪ ♪ Cutco knives ♪ Now just $49.95. -Okay. Stop, stop, please. Professor, just stop, okay? -Hey, for what it's worth,
those knives are amazing. -Yeah.
-They're like the "Rent"
of knives. -Oh, man.
Cool it. -Hey, guys, can we just stop
effing around, okay? 'Cause, if "Wicked" closes, I have very limited job options. I mean, look at me. -Well, you're green. Maybe you could be
in "Shrek the Musical." -Wow, that's racist. -No, no no. That's not racist. -I'm not racist, lady.
-No, no, that's enough. That's enough, okay?
And, for the record, Broadway is an inclusive place.
No one here is racist, okay?
Moving on. Yes, you,
from "The Color Purple." -[ Chuckle ] I-I'm sorry,
I'm not in "The Color Purple." -Oh.
-Oh, "Bring in 'da Noise,
Bring in 'da Funk." -I wrote "Miss Saigon." -Jeez! Okay, sorry.
[ Laughs ] Alright, what's your idea? -Isn't it time we revive
"Miss Saigon"? -Ugh!
Are we almost done here? -What? Why?
Where do you have to be? -I don't have
to be anywhere, but... I need to get to my new job. I give massages behind a Thai
place on the Lower East Side. With my mouth. -Okay, no, I get it. I get it. I get it. I get it. Thank you. -Hey, everyone. Why so glum? ♪ The sun'll come out ♪ ♪ Tomorrow ♪
-No. -♪ Bet your bottom dollar ♪
-Sit down. No. Hey. -♪ That, tomorrow ♪
-Annie, Annie, Annie. Annie, sweetie,
not the time, okay? Please? -Yeah, watch yourself, Phantom. Had a hard-knock life, okay?
[ Snaps fingers ] Someone steps to me, [ Strikes palm ] I break them.
-Okay. Alright. Okay. [ Clattering ]
Sorry. Eee! Okay. -Jeez.
-Guys, come on, man! We're creative people. We just need one good idea. Anyone, anyone at all.
Blue Man Group? ♪♪ Oh, man. You know, sometimes you guys
can be a bunch of blue dicks. -Ooh, hey, what about the ladies
from "Chicago"? -Oh. ♪♪ -♪ Hiss ♪ -♪ Lipschitz ♪ [ Hissing ]
♪♪ -Not helpful.
Not helpful at all. What about you,
dude from "Stomp"? [ Clang ] Wow! Wow! Still relevant.
Alright. Okay. Alright,
so no one has any ideas? I mean, no one?
-Wait, wait, wait, I got it. -What? -We can put on a big show with lavish costumes
and huge, expensive sets. We'll charge like $150 a ticket!
-What? No. -Viva Broadway!
-Yeah! -No, no, guys!
No! That's the thing
that isn't working anymore. -No, no, and then, at the end... ♪ We'll all join hands ♪
-Where the hell's that coming from?
-And we'll sing the anthem
of the '90s. -Please don't.
Please. No. I'm not -- -♪ 525,600 ♪
-No. Stop. -♪ Minutes, here we go ♪
-Mark, stop. -♪ 525,000 ♪
-No! Guys! -♪ Moments so dear ♪
-Stop! Okay? Okay, that's it!
You leave me no choice! Go!
[ "Organ plays
"Phantom" overture ♪ ♪♪ Go! ♪♪ Go! G--
[ Crash, music stops ] -Wow, really? -I'm sorry. No,
that's usually a showstopper. I don't --
That's not -- God, this meeting is awful! It could not get any worse. -Oyyyyy! [ Crash, vehicle alarm blaring ]
-What was that? -Well, it was
the Fiddler on the Roof. He jumped. -♪ There's no business ♪ ♪ Like show business ♪ ♪ Like no business ♪ -Writing the "Mean Girls"
musical has been a dream come true. The only awkward thing is
that people keep coming up to me saying like,
"Why aren't you in it?" and "When are you going
to be in it?" Just the other day,
Cecily Strong said, "Girl, you must be in it." -Oh, what I said was, "Girl,
you must be in it," like meaning
you must be really busy. She high-fived me
really hard after, so it was clear
she misunderstood. -I don't think anyone really
expected Tina to be in the show. -She's not really loud enough and she has a really small head. -But the thing
that really inspired me was, one day, my best friend,
Aidy, and I were listening
to the "Hamilton" soundtrack. -Tina kept talking over it,
you know, just kind of being like, "Lin wrote this,
but they let him be in it." -Can you just leave me
out of this? -Also, did she say
we were best friends? -Tina Fey starring
in the "Mean Girls" musical is going to be fetch. ♪♪ In that it's not going
to happen. -She's not going to be in it.
-No. Not a chance. -Talk yourself out of it. -Okay, guys, so, today, we're going to put Tina
into the show. [ Applause ] -Guys, I am so excited
for all of us and my friends Aidy and Cecily
are here today to support me. This was basically their idea. -Oh, no.
-I was told it was
a baby shower. -So I'm just going to shadow
you guys and sort of see what part it might be fun
for the audience to see me do
for like a week or so. -One matinee,
that's what we agreed to. -Let's get started! -7, 8. ♪ Ga goo goo ga,
ga goo goo ga ♪ ♪ Ga, ga, ga ga ♪ -Got it. ♪ Ga goo goo ga,
ga goo goo ga ♪ ♪ Ga, ga, ga ga ♪ -Okay, it's not just the sounds. You have to do the movement
that goes with the sounds. -Then I don't have it. What if my Regina just kind of log rolls in
and hits a cool pose? -Okay.
-I think that's
actually better. Alright, let me
ask you guys this. What kind of vibrato
do you think I should use? -What do you mean?
-Well, I notice some people go very straight-tone, like -- ♪ Broadway ♪ But my vibrato is naturally
a lot wider, like -- ♪ Ha-a-ppy Bir-ir-thday ♪ ♪ To-o-o you-ou-ou-ou-ou ♪ So this is kind of a Gretchen
Goes to the Mall look. I play Gretchen. -Oh, yeah.
Yeah, you look great! -Yeah, is --
maybe, is the wig big? -Yeah, just not sure
you're passing as a teenager. -Also, I'm not to be able
to dance in these shoes. I'm going to need the kind
of shoes I wear in real life. They can only be ordered
in the back of Parade magazine. They have copper in them. They're called Sunset Steppers and they also have a little
pouch that holds your pills. -5, 6, 7, 8! ♪♪ -Am I doing it?! -Okay, I think this could be
a really fun use of you. -It's like a little Easter egg
and then, at some point, I take the head off...
-Yeah, exactly. Or not. Okay, come on, guys, let's go! -Whoo!
-5, 6, 7, 8! -♪ Revenge party ♪
-Okay. Whoa. Sorry, sorry. -Ow!
-Sorry. [ Crash ] -[ Murmuring ]
-Oh, gosh! Oh! -But, ultimately,
I realized that Broadway's hard and the people
who do it are super talented. ♪♪
[ Cheering and applause ] Maybe it's okay if I can't be
like Lin-Manuel and jam myself into my show,
whether people like it or not. -Okay, you know what? She just made the book. ♪ Let me tell you about this
tiny-headed bitch named Tina ♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -Wow, wow. What an outstanding first half of this Super Bowl XLVIII between the Denver Broncos
and the Seattle Seahawks. -Absolutely, Jimmy. That one play with the one guy
who did that one thing -- incredible!
[ Laughs ] -But the big story of this game
is the unfortunate news of Bruno Mars
and the Red Hot Chili Peppers having to cancel
their halftime show. -Yeah, I guess their flight had
to be rerouted due to the polar vortex. -Oh, man! I really wanted
to see Bruno Mars. That little fedora-wearing
jumping bean, I just love him. -Fortunately,
the producers scrambled and were able to find
a last-second replacement, just across the Hudson River. -Yes, sir.
This year's halftime show is going to be performed by some
of the best and brightest of Broadway. -The show's about to begin, so let's head down to the field. -Holy cannoli! Growing up in New Jersey, I never thought I'd ever see
a Super Bowl played in my own backyard! Hey, ain't you Peyton Manning? -Is it that obvious? -Today's the big game. Ain't you nervous? -Ha ha! A little. After all, it is... ♪ The Super Bowl ♪ -♪ The Super Bowl ♪ -♪ It's Denver and Seattle ♪ ♪ Ancient rivals
locked in battle ♪ ♪ The players are
in their costumes ♪ ♪ And now it's time
for them to travel ♪ ♪ Across the court ♪ ♪ One hundred yards of green ♪ -♪ I hope I score ♪ ♪ A tackle for my team ♪ -♪ So, who's gonna win
the gorgeous ♪ ♪ Super Bowl ♪ ♪ Ring? ♪ -Oh, my! -Wow!
It was only one year ago, I was down on my luck! A has-been, and then, she walked in, in, in, in. Oh, face it, Peyton! You can't throw worth a darn! -Not from where I stand! ♪♪ The name's Mama Pass and I'm the best dang
quarterback coach this side of Seventh Avenue, and I can tell you
all you need's a little... ♪ Womp womp ♪ ♪ Throw it where they're goin' ♪ ♪ And make sure
that they're wearin' ♪ ♪ Womp womp ♪ ♪ Your same-colored shirt ♪ ♪ 'Cause, if they catch ya,
you'll be ♪ ♪ Womp womp ♪ ♪ Scorin' all the touchdowns ♪ ♪ That's the only way to ♪ ♪ Womp womp ♪ ♪ Win all the points ♪ -Oh, Mama Pass! You really think I could win the Super Bowl?! -Oh, you bet your hand muff! Nothing's gonna stop you. -Well, don't be so sure of that. -Oh, no! Richard Sherman?! -Ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Ben Vereen. ♪♪ -Hello, Peyton. If you're not careful,
I'm going to steal your ball. Here's a tip --
Don't throw it where you hear the tap. ♪ A tap like this ♪ ♪♪ ♪ Or like this tap here ♪ ♪♪ ♪ A-tappity tap ♪ ♪ Tap a-tap tap tap, tap ♪ ♪ And that's what you call ♪ ♪ An interception ♪ -Wait a minute.
Wait a minute! Knock it off, Sherman! Save it for the field!
It's game time! [ Whistle blows ]
♪♪ ♪♪ -♪ Get the ball,
get the ball ♪ -♪ You're tearing me apart! ♪ -Tackle, block, kick, huddle ♪ ♪ Drink lots of Gatorade ♪ ♪ Win, win, win, win, win ♪ -♪ Ohhhhhhh! ♪ [ Whistle blows ] -Stop! That's Peyton! He's hurt! -It's my old injury. I thought it healed. Ah!
Such a fool! [ Cough ]
-Don't -- don't speak! Just sing. -♪ I guess the game is lost ♪ -♪ All you need is womp-womp ♪ ♪ Suppose I was just too old ♪ -♪ Don't you say it!
Womp-womp ♪ -♪ At least you're by my side ♪ -♪ He's bleeding, womp womp ♪
-♪ Time to say goodbye ♪ -♪ This is not what I wanted ♪ -♪ We're all just ♪ -♪ Strangers on the grass ♪ ♪ But we all want
the same thing ♪ ♪ There's no Seattle ♪ ♪ There is no Denver ♪ ♪ There's just ♪ ♪ Love ♪ -[ Clapping, sobbing ] O-Okay, stay tuned for the second half
of the Super Bowl. And live from New York, it's "Saturday Night"! -Are you tired
of family entertainment [ "We Wish You
a Merry Christmas" plays ] with no edge, no grit? Then let... ...show you a new twist
on an old classic. It's... ...starring "Glengarry
Glen Ross'" Al Pacino. -Christmas is coming,
but I'm not happy. -Philip Seymour Hoffman
as Pigpen. -You know, I think the whole
Christmas experience is overrated. -Pigpen! -Charlie. -You look like [bleep]! You smell like [bleep]! But you're my friend, Pigpen. -With Edie Falco as Lucy. -Charlie Brown, what the heck
do you think you're doing? [ "Linus and Lucy" plays ] This is Christmas! You can't just be moping around. It's not right! -I know.
-I know what you need. -What?
-I have Ativan. You want that? -Oh, yeah!
-Little Valium? -Oh, yeah!
-You like a Klonopin? -I want something
to take me sky-high! ♪♪ -It's Charlie Brown
by way of Brooklyn. With Larry David as Linus. -I don't know.
This whole Christmas thing, it's a whole to-do, you know, the parties and the presents
and the decorating. Ach!
It's not for me. -What do you mean,
Christmas is not for you? Don't tell me it's not for you! If I say it's for you,
then it's for you! -Oh, so, so, so, so I'm just supposed
to accept what you say? You know what?
You don't know what the hell you're talking about! -[Bleep] you, Linus. -[Bleep] me?
-Yeah. -Why don't you go [bleep]
yourself, Charlie Brown? -Ohhh!
-Plus, the whole "Peanuts" gang. Like Forest Whitaker
as Franklin. -Charlie, what's the meaning of Christmas? -Kristin Chenoweth reprises
her Broadway role as Sally. -Dear Santa, How was your summer? Did y'all have a swell
little grand old time? -[Bleep] Stupid [bleep] -Michael Keaton as Schroeder. -You want to get peanuts?! Come on!
Let's get peanuts. -And all the adults. -Nobody likes me, Ma! -Wah wah wah, wah wah wah. -Oh, you're killing me, Ma! -Voice by the incomparable... -Wah wah wah, wah wah wah,
wah wah wah? -Oh, that's like a knife
in my heart! -[ Staccato laugh ] -Oh! -Charlie.
-What? [ Melancholy tune plays ]
-You're out of eggnog. -I'm out of eggnog?
-Yeah. -You're out of eggnog! This whole party's
out of eggnog! -It's all the iconic
"Charlie Brown" moments you remember from childhood. -Lucy, you're going
to hold the football? -Yes!
-You're going to hold that [bleep] football?
-Yes! -Alright, here I go. Cha-a-a-rge! Wow!
-[ Laughs ] -Oh, you bitch!
-[ Laughing ] Oh, [bleep]
-Calm the [bleep] down. [Bleep], Charlie Brown! -Get the [bleep] outta here! [Bleep]
-It's got grass. It's soft. -Alright. We're going to take
an intermission real quick. ♪♪ ...in previews now and forever, so they can never review it. -It's, uh, pretty, pretty, pretty good. ♪♪ [ Horn honks ] -Sugar, babe! It's the opening night of "Cats" and the curtain goes up
in 15 minutes. We got to scoot, Liza. -Oh sure!
I'd be delighted. Just let me turn off some
of these lamps. [ Jazz plays ] -And, now... ♪♪ -Just let me truck it down
over here. ♪♪ Oh, I see it. Here's the scoundrel. Here's the troublemaker,
right here. Time to turn this doodad
off, off. ♪♪ -Want me to help you, Liza? -Oh, no, darling.
You just relax. I just need to find the clicker
or the switch that turns this whole
cuckoo thing down! Is there a little knob on here that you turn
and everything goes black? ♪♪ -I don't know, Liza. It's probably pretty simple. -You tell that
to Debbie Reynolds. ♪♪ -What?! -Okay, there's got to be
a turner or like a ball
on the end of a chain. Remember that? -Remember what, Liza? -Chain, ball kick, chain. Remember that? Oh! Atlantic City! I choked on a shrimp! -I don't know what you're
talking about. Liza, forget the light.
We got to go! -Oh! Oh!
I'm thinking it might be in the box of a middle
of a chorus or a thin plastic clicker wheel
in the middle. You kick it once.
[ Cymbals crash ] You kick it twice. [ Cymbals crash twice ] You kick it three times. [ Cymbals crash thrice ] And the lamp goes out
and the party starts. ♪♪ -Baby, we're going
to miss the show! Don't make those
little kiddies wait. We're going to miss "Cats." -Oh, then I better turn off
the skinny lady. Is it a foot tapper? Once.
[ Drumroll ] Twice! [ Rimshot ] Three...? [ Rimshot ] Will a Fosse Neck do it? ♪♪ -No! -Hey, remember this? ♪♪ -Just turn the lamp off. I'm blocking
for Chris and Pete. The car's waiting downstairs. -Oh, that's right! The lamp!
That little rascal. Oh, wait. Here it is. I found the cord! I just have to pull it
out of the wall. ♪ Ahhhhh ♪ Look how long this cord is. Ben Vereen, it's long. I'm not getting anywhere
with it. It's like Tommy Tune. -'Cause you're walking in place. -Am I? I just got to find the clicker that dims the whole shebang. ♪♪ -Once again, not my house,
not my lamp. -Oh! Here it is.
It's just a button. It's on the neck,
but you don't push it. You got to give it
a little turn. I did it! [ Cymbals clash, horn bleats ] -Good job, Liza, baby. Good job. -Pow! -And...we missed the show. -The heck with "Cats." Let's dance! ♪♪ -This has been "Liza Minnelli Tries
to Turn Off a Lamp."
