-♪ I'm sure
you have a lot to say ♪ ♪ About your mother
on this day ♪ ♪ Tell me why you love her ♪ -♪ Her apple pie is the best ♪ -♪ She tucks me in at night ♪ -♪ She gives me good advice ♪ -♪ I'm only allowed upstairs ♪ [ Laughter ] -No! No. ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -Tank you, tank you. Tank you. Welcome back,
ladies and gentlemen, to "The Lawrence Welk Show's"
tribute to Mother's Day. Coming up later,
the marvelous Jugglettes. ♪♪ Wonderful. Wonderful. Now, before we continue
with our Mother's Day show, I'd like to say something
to my mother. "Mother, tank you." Did you notice
I can say the T-H in mother, but when I try to say
"thank you," I say "tank you"? That's weird. And now here to sing
a semi-nice Mother's Day song is Gary Corndeensen, accompanied by
the Baharelle sisters and a very special guest. A-one, and a-two,
and a-three, and -- ♪♪ -♪ It comes once a year,
a whole day for mother dears ♪ ♪ I'm talking Mother's Day ♪ -Thank you, young man. [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause continue ] ♪♪ -♪ Well, hello, how are you? ♪ -I'm a mother, too. -♪ Then happy Mother's Day ♪ -It's the best job in the world. I've got four gorgeous girls. Here come my daughters now. -Daughters? -♪ I'm Janet ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -♪ I'm Peggy ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -♪ I'm Clara ♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -♪ And I'm Dooneese ♪ -♪ And that's Dooneese ♪ [ Laughter ] ♪♪ -♪ I'm sure
you have a lot to say ♪ ♪ About your mother
on this day ♪ ♪ Tell me why you love her ♪ -♪ Her apple pie is the best ♪ -♪ She tucks me in at night ♪ -♪ She gives me good advice ♪ -♪ I'm only allowed upstairs ♪ [ Laughter ] -No! No. [ Laughter and applause ] ♪♪ [ Laughter ] -♪ Before this day
comes to an end ♪ ♪ We'd like to say once again ♪ -♪ We love you ♪ -♪ We love you ♪ -♪ We love you ♪ -♪ I had a worm in my hair,
and I slept on the worm, ♪ ♪ And then I found it
in my soup ♪ ♪ And then I sat down
on a hot piece of tin ♪ ♪ Then my skirt inched up,
and my panties got hot ♪ ♪ So I went in the freezer,
where I ate a big onion ♪ ♪ Is that bad?
Doo, doo, doo, doo ♪ [ Laughter ] -That was wonderful, but I really think
that girl should consider bangs. Coming up next,
Tiny Tumbler Trina and her traveling face organ. And one more thing. -Live from New York,
it's Saturday night! [ Cheers and applause ] -[ Speaks indistinctly ] Can we give Mom
a little space -- Hey, babe? Babe, can you just, like,
give me like a minute? -Julia!
-Let's go to Dad. -Let's give Mommy and Granny
a minute. -Thank you. Thank you. -Yeah, of course.
-Okay. -Whoop! -Here you go.
-Thank you, Mom. -There you are. -[ Sighs ] I don't know how you did it. -Did what, honey? -Raised me,
without going insane. I mean, look at me. I'm a mess. But you, you were just,
like, a perfect mother. -No, I wasn't. -Yes, you were. You were always so calm
and sweet with me. -That's because every moment
was a joy. [ Baby crying ] Why won't you [bleep] sleep?! -I don't even remember you
ever yelling at me. -How could I yell at this face? -Oh, my God!
Look what you did to the TV! -What now?
-She just put paint all over the [bleep] TV. -I just need a break sometimes. Like, I'm completely
overwhelmed. Did you ever feel like that? [ Kids shrieking ] [ Balloons popping,
glass shattering ] -If I did, I don't remember. [ Kids shrieking ] ♪ Happy bir-- ♪ -I mean, I can barely manage to
take a shower every other day. But you were always
so put-together. [ Laughter ] -Enjoying the show, Cheryl? -Hell, no. -You were perfect. I mean, even when
I was a teenager and you were supposed
to hate your mom, you were great. You never judged me. You never pried. -Well, it was
none of my business. That little slut. -Just, compared to you, I feel like
I'm not good at this. -You are every bit
the mother I was, and then some. Maybe you feel like this inside, but outside,
you come across as so relaxed. -Well, I try
not to get worked up about the little stuff. Why didn't you pack
the Goddamn giraffe?! -You said pack "a" toy! -I meant a giraffe! -Then say gira--
-Shh! -Hey, baby.
-Hey, baby. -And it seems like you and Nick
still find time to... you know.
-Mom. I'll just say
that in the bedroom, we're still very much
a married couple. [ Farts ]
Sorry. [ Laughter ] -You are doing an amazing job. Just remember
to cherish every moment. Because each day with your child
is special. -Oh, my God.
Nick, can you come help me? She blew out her diaper.
-What? -She has [bleep]
all the way up her back. -Ohh, that's up to her neck! -And each day, you'll experience
something new and wonderful. -Hi, uh, Dr. Klein, um,
my daughter ate two crayons. -No, five. She ate five crayons! -I'm sorry -- five crayons. Do we need to bring her in? That's exactly
what I needed to hear. See, you are a perfect mother. -So are you, honey. Oh. [ Sniffing ] You have poop in your hair. -Oh. ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ -You're watching
the Hallmark Channel. Up next, it's our annual
Mother's Day Game Show. -That's right. It's time for "Come Do A Game Show
with Your Mom, It'll Be Fun, Yes It Will!" And here's your host and mom
extraordinaire, Joanne Pendak! -Okay, okay. Oh, man. Hey, there.
Happy Mother's Day. Welcome to the game. This is the show
where three contestants, AKA my kids, prove how well
they know their mom. Hi, guys.
-Hey, Mom. -Hi, Mom.
-I don't want to be here. -Yes, you do.
It's fun. It's fun. Okay. As always,
I let my kids pick what prizes
they wanted to play for. Let's find out what they are.
Michael? -Uh, if I win,
you have to stop sending me recommendations
from Angie's List. -Ooh. Tough prize
right out the gate. Okay. Uh, Jeremey, what do you got? -If I win, you have to
let me get ear gauges. -Oh, Jeremey, no.
Oh, please, God, no. You have such beautiful ears.
Why, why, why, why? Uh, finally,
my baby girl, Trish. -Mom, I love you, but if I win, you have to
delete your Facebook. -Honey, I can't do that. That's
my window into your world. ♪♪ Okay, it's time
for the first round. Contestants...
who's that gal I like? [ Beep ] -Edie Falco.
[ Ding! ] -Yes. Yes. I love Dr. Jackie.
She's the best. So real. Okay. Next question. Who in Hollywood
do I think is gay? [ Beep ]
-Uh, everyone? [ Ding! ]
-Yes! Yes. If you're a good actor,
you might be gay. Go, them! Next up, what's the worst thing
that happened to me all year? [ Beep ] -When we went to the movies,
and popcorn was $11. [ Ding! ]
-Yes. It's robbery. That's robbery.
♪♪ Okay, that's the end of Round 1. Let's go to our judges,
AKA my neighbor Linda, to see how you're all doing. -Hey, they are doing well, and it -- it warms my heart. Linda is, uh, doing much better. Her doctor said
that it's important that she be around people
and learning right now. [ Laughter ] Alright, time for Round 2.
These are for double points. Here we go.
Which of these e-mails did I send you all last week? We got AIDS making a comeback
among whites, Uncle Dick Passed, or Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw: Fw:
celery salad. [ Laughter ]
[ Beep ] -All of them?
[ Ding! ] -That is correct! I did. This next question's a picture. Okay, we got Michael
in front of the Eiffel Tower. He's pointing
right to the tower, and his caption says
"Eiffel Tower!" So, the question
is about Linda over there. What did Linda comment
on that photo? [ Beep ] -Uh, "Looks fun.
Where is this?" [ Ding! ] -I could not figure it out. -Oh, Linda.
Alright, next question. Which race of fellas
did your father insult while we were eating
at a Chinese restaurant? [ Beep ] -Um... I feel like
it should be Chinese, but I'm gonna go say Indians. [ Ding! ]
-Ding, ding, ding! Yes. He said our waiter looked like
that Slum Dog Millionaire. Okay, speaking of your dad,
it's time for quick Dad Round. Let's bring him out. ♪♪ -Alright. Hey, guys. Your question is,
"How you doing? You doing good?" [ Beep ] -Um, yeah?
[ Ding! ] -Alright, kid,
here's your mother. -Love you, babe. You know, your dad just had
hemorrhoid surgery. It was very painful. That's what happens -- That's why you don't push, okay? If it's not happening,
you get up, you come back later. ♪♪
Try it again. Okay. Time for
our final lightning round. "What'd She Just Do?" I'm gonna show you pictures
of my friends, you tell me what they just did.
Capiche? Okay.
First up, we got Bunny. What did Bunny just do?
[ Beep ] -Um, didn't say hi to you
at Safeway. [ Ding! ]
-Yes. Bitch. We got Brenda.
What'd Brenda just do? [ Beep ] -She knows what she did.
[ Ding! ] -Yes, she certainly does. Okay, we got Karen.
What'd Karen just do? [ Beep ]
-Uh, put cameras in her garage 'cause she keeps getting robbed.
[ Ding! ] -Yeah, and she's not even rich.
I don't know. Pat.
What did Pat just do? [ Beep ] -She slept with Jeremey. -What? Jeremey! -What can I say, Mom?
She's a very determined woman. -Oh, my god. Okay. Well, you know what?
You're 18. She's very attractive,
so I guess, have at it. Okay.
And that's all the time we have. We're all winners
because we're all together. I'm Joanne Pendak.
I'm saying Happy Mother's Day. Come give your mom a kiss.
Come on. Get over here.
Come on. Come on, come on. [ Cheers and applause ] There we go, there we go. -Ladies and gentlemen,
Reese Witherspoon. [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you!
Thank you. Thank you very much. It's great to be here hosting
"Saturday Night Live," especially since
it's the Mother's Day show. [ Cheers and applause ] Mothers are the best, and
now that I'm a mother myself, I finally understand what my mom
went through with me. I was a full-on nightmare
from the ages from 5 through 37. And that's why tonight, we have
a very special treat for y'all. Our real mothers are here. And we are gonna bring them out
and apologize for real, terrible things
we did to them. So, let's bring them out
already. Are you ready?
[ Cheers and applause ] -Okay, first up
is Cecily and her mom, Penny. -Well, hi, Mom. Uh, I'm sorry for writing you
angry notes on the computer using the dingbats font so you wouldn't know
I was using swear words. -I knew.
-I know. Happy Mother's Day.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Okay, next up,
it's Jay and his mom, Ramona. -Uh, hey, Mom.
-Hey, Jay. -Remember those sandwiches you
used to make for me for school? -Yeah.
-They had, like, basil and stuff in them.
-I remember. -They took you forever to make.
-I remember. -Yeah, I threw them
all in the trash, so, uh... -What?
-I'm sorry. Come on, just don't talk.
Let's go, let's go. [ Laughter, cheers, applause ] -Next up,
it's Kate and her mom, Laura. -Hi, Mom.
-Hi, honey. -Hi, Mom. I'm sorry
that whenever I would play make-believe
with my friends, it was never princesses.
-That's true. -Instead we would
re-enact the shooting of Mary Jo Buttafuoco
by Amy Fisher. [ Laughter ] And I, of course,
would play Joey Buttafuoco. So, I'm sorry
for being so weird, Mom. -You know, honey,
it's good that you're weird, 'cause weird got you here. -You're right, Mom.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Next is Sasheer
and her mom, Ivory. -Hi, Mommy.
I'm sorry that in second grade, I slapped a girl across the face
and broke her glasses, and you had to buy her new ones. And in the spirit
of Mother's Day, if that girl is watching,
I'd just like to say you deserved it.
[ Laughter ] -You did!
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ] -Here's Beck and his mom, Sarah. -Mom. Hi.
[ Laughter ] Uh, so, remember that vibrating
squiggle-wiggle pen that you got me
when I was little? -Uh-huh. -I'm sorry for sexually
experimenting with that. [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ]
-Okay. Thank you, Beck. That was gross. Uh, next up is Vanessa
and her mom, Carolyn. -Hi, Mom. You look beautiful. -Thank you. -I'm sorry that when I was
little, I used to pee the bed. And then I'd get out of the bed
and run around my room peeing. And then I'd freak out
and run to your room and pee the whole way there. So, um,
sorry for all of the pee. -Thank you.
[ Laughter, cheers, applause ] -Okay, come on up here, Kenan
and his mom, Elizabeth. -Hi, Mama.
-Hi, Kenan. -Thanks for coming.
[ Laughter ] I'm sorry that when
I was a teenager, I loved fire and that one night, I tried to secretly burn
a piece of notebook paper and almost set
our entire house on fire. [ Laughter ]
-That's okay, honey. But I've always wondered
what was on that piece of paper. -We ain't gotta talk about that.
Come on. [ Laughter, applause ] -Next up is Pete
and his mom, Amy. Mrs. Davidson,
before Pete says anything, I'd just like to say
that I'm sorry, because I've only known him
a week, but I can only imagine. [ Laughter ] -Thanks, Reese Witherspoon!
-Sorry. -Mom, I'm sorry that I used your
good coat for a murder scene in a horror movie I made
when I was 9. I put ketchup all over it
for blood and then just rolled it back up
and put it in your closet. [ Laughter ]
Here! -Aw, thanks, honey.
-I didn't get it. [ Cheers and applause ] -Alright, let's meet Aidy
and her mom, Georganne. -Hi, Mom. I want to thank you for all those times
you let me borrow the car to go to the movies. But I'm sorry because
I never went to the movies, and I always went
to a church parking lot where I rubbed jeans
with Ricky Fico. [ Laughter ] -Sounds kinda hot. -He wasn't.
-Mom! [ Laughter and applause ] -Okay. Next up
is Kyle and his mom, Linda. -Hi, Mom. It's Kyle. -I recognize you.
[ Laughter ] -Um, we haven't talked
about this, like, ever. But I'm sorry about that
one time you were asleep on the couch,
and I was on the big chair, and there was a nudie movie
on Showtime with two girls. And I started doing that thing, and you woke up
and screamed, "Kyle!" [ Laughter ] And then,
you went back to sleep. Uh, really sorry about that and
sorry for bringing it up on TV. [ Laughter and applause ] -Here's Bobby
and his mom, Julie. -Hey, hi, Mom.
-Hi. -Hi. Look, I'm sorry that I drew
my name on the wall in marker and then blamed it on Grandma.
[ Laughter ] And then, you said,
"How did Grandma get up and write that
when she is in a wheelchair?" And I said, "It's a miracle!"
[ Laughter ] I love you, Mom.
[ Applause ] -And, finally, last but
not least, it's my turn. Please welcome the love
of my life, my mother, Betty. [ Cheers and applause ] Hi, Mom. Okay, this is bad, you guys. But, Mom, I'm really sorry that
that one time in high school, I told you that I was going to
sleep over at Ashley's house, but instead, I checked in
to a hotel with my boyfriend. But then I felt so guilty
that I left and went back to Ashley's house. Do you forgive me?
-Of course, sweetheart. And now, me and the other moms have something
we want to apologize for. -Hmm?
-We're sorry that we're about to show a bunch of home videos
of you kids. -What? -Roll it, Lorne! -Hey, kids! -♪ La la la la,
la la la la la ♪ -♪ Did you know ♪ ♪ Your heart
is pumping and working ♪ ♪ 7 months
before you're even born ♪ -Pete, show me your nose, Pete. Now show me your teeth. Now show me your eyes. -Aah! Aah! -Alright, you have one more
funny thing to do. Okay, okay. No, no, no. Come on. -How many shows
have you starred in? -I starred in five --
"The Lucy Show," "I Love Lucy," "Here's Lucy," "Life with Lucy,"
and "The Lucy-Desi Comedy Hour." -Who are you?
-Russ Tyler, South Central, Los Angeles. -Charlie Conway,
Minneapolis, Minnesota. ♪♪ -Okay. -My I.D. looks like this. "Aah!" -That's so sick.
-Okay, you can stop. -Dori, look at your life. Your mama is in jail.
Your sister's in the hospital. -Where's my cocaine?
-No, Dori! You have to stop the cocaine!
[ Laughter ] -[ Crying ] [ Audience laughing ] -He's mad because Mommy's gone.
Mommy went to the store. [ Cheers and applause ]
-Wow! Thank you for that, moms. We've got a great show! ♪♪
