-And this Valentine's Day,
you can lose yourself on the dance floor surrounded
by 12 dancing Jewpids. -Jewpids?
-Jewish Cupids. -Oh. Cool. -They just want you to meet
someone nice and settle down. -Yeah. ♪♪ [ Sultry music plays ] -Your girlfriend
is beautiful, sexy, and one of a kind. So this Valentine's Day,
get her a gift that's as special and unique
as she is. Some Dumb Little Thing from CVS. Because you're already there
buying toilet paper and -- oh, mother... It's Valentine's Day? CVS has all the heartfelt gifts
your long-term girlfriend wants. Like a small bear
dressed like a bee with hearts that say "Bee Mine." -Ohh. When did you get this? -One minute ago. -Exquisite gifts
she'll treasure forever. And if your woman loves jewelry, look no further than aisle 8 --
the front half. The back half is dog food. There you'll find this
beautiful heart pendant necklace for only $1.99. Recommended by our seasoned
jewelry associate. -Yeah, it's really good. -Or get her a gift
that really screams "her" -- a tiny heart-shaped box
of chocolates with the Teenage Mutant
Ninja Turtles on the front. They really put the chalk
in chocolate. For a naughty surprise
you know she'll love, pick up some G-rated
CVS Brand Sex Dice. -Ooh. Tickle face. -Guaranteed to give her
the night of her dreams. Or, when in doubt,
nothing says Valentine's like an old Christmas stocking. -You could put your makeup
in it. -You have hurt me today. -So shop CVS for all your
Valentine's Day needs... and salsa. -On Valentine's Day,
thousands of New York couples will be stepping out to some of
the city's most romantic spots. Here with some tips
on where to go to make the evening
truly unforgettable, our city correspondent, Stefon. [ Cheers and applause ] -Hi.
-Hi, Stefon. How have you been?
-The same. -Okay. This weather's
been crazy, right? -I know. Everywhere I go,
it's like a hundred degrees. -Right. Right. Now, Stefon,
lots of New York couples will be stepping out
for Valentine's Day. -Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. -Where should they go if they
want an evening to remember? -I have the perfect spot. New York's hottest club
is BOOOOOOOOOF! Located in
an abandoned orphanage on the Lower Lower East Side
of Chelsea, this 'round-the-clock puke party is a creation of narcoleptic
club owner Snoozin' Lucci. And this place has everything -- pugs, geezers, doo-wop groups, a -- a wise old turtle
that looks like Quincy Jones. [ Laughter ] And you'll have your own
"When Harry Met Sally" moment when you share a special kiss with Gizblow,
the coked-up gremlin. [As Gizmo] Oooh-ooh-ooh-ahh! [Normal voice]
I'll have what she's having. -All right.
Let me just get a pen here. What was the name
of that place again, Stefon? -BOOOOOOOOOF, with nine O's. -Okay. Got it. Okay. Now I know that I will definitely, definitely
not go there. -Why not?!
-Stefon. Maybe I should be more specific. Take me, for example.
-Gladly. -I'm trying to find a place
to take my serious girlfriend. -Ugh. This always happens to me. -We've been dating
for a couple years. -Boy, do I know how to pick 'em. -And, you know, Stefon,
I work so darn much... -You gotta pay the bills. -...I just want Monday night
to be special. -Stefon to the rescue! New York's hottest
Valentine's Day club is... [Shouting in Japanese] [ Laughter ] Built on a dare by 90-year-old club promoter
Fuji Howser, M.D., this NoHo nightmare
has everything -- stun guns, mole people... freezing cold air. And this Valentine's Day, you can lose yourself
on the dance floor surrounded by
12 dancing Jewpids. -Jewpids?
-Jewish Cupids. -Oh. Cool. -They just want you to meet
someone nice and settle down. -Yeah. Yes.
[ Laughter ] ...Jewpids. Jewish Cupids. -[ Laughing ] -Great job,
but I got to be honest. -What? -I don't think my girlfriend
will like that. -Then you should probably
break up with her and then do, like,
a total 180 or something. -No! No, Stefon. Do you have any tips --
any tips at all -- for how to have
a simple, romantic, nonpsychotic Valentine's Day? -Hmm. Yes. If you want
a great Valentine's Day, you don't even need
to leave the house. Just give the person you love
a romantic Valentine's Day gift. -You mean like
a box of chocolates? -No, like human suitcases. -What is a human suitcase? -It's that thing of when
a midget on roller skates wears all of your clothes and then you pull them
through an airport. -Stefon!
-Come on! -Stefon! Stefon.
-Stefon! -Stefon! [ Laughter ] Do you expect people to give
each other human suitcases? I mean, would you give
your Valentine one of those? -Hmm. Stefon's single right now.
He doesn't have a Valentine. Aww.
[ Audience "awws" ] -All right.
Well, maybe just for tonight -- and just for tonight --
you can be my valentine. -You mean it?
-Yeah. I guess I got struck
by Jewpid's arrow. -L'chaim!
-Stefon, everybody! For "Weekend Update,"
I'm Seth Meyers! Good night! ♪♪ -Mmm, February 14th. -The hottest Thursday
of the year. It's a whole day about sex,
romance, and sexy romance. -So Happy Valentine's Day. -♪ It's 8 p.m.
on Valentine's Day ♪ ♪ My man got me flowers,
got me lingerie ♪ [ Doorbell rings ]
♪ The doorbell rings ♪ ♪ And I'm like, "What? More?" ♪ ♪ He shrugs at me,
and I run to get the door ♪ ♪ It's a card that says
"You're my significant otter" ♪ ♪ Oh, no, no ♪ ♪ "To my beautiful daughter"? ♪ ♪ A romantic card from Mom ♪ ♪ Okay, wow ♪ ♪ 'Cause damn, damn, damn ♪ ♪ That's not where
I'm at right now ♪ -♪ I don't wanna think of you,
it's a day for romance ♪ ♪ I don't wanna think of you
when I'm gettin' in the pants ♪ ♪ We're about to pound,
my man's on the bed ♪ ♪ And I'm grindin' with him,
but now you're in my head ♪ ♪ I'm bumpin', I'm bangin',
I'm bonin' ♪ ♪ I'm 'bout to bust through ♪ ♪ So I don't wanna
think of you ♪ -♪ Stand down, stand down ♪ ♪ And now she's FaceTiming you ♪ ♪ Stand down, stand down, oh ♪ -♪ I'm at my desk,
and I'm sextin' my boo ♪ ♪ Tellin' him the freaky-deaky
stuff we're gonna do ♪ [ Camera shutter clicks ] ♪ He sends a pic of his
full-throttle wein' ♪ ♪ I hear a knockin',
it's my female boss, Colleen ♪ ♪ This is bad,
I'm horny in my chair ♪ ♪ Gotta shift gears
because she's handing me ♪ ♪ A big, pink bear ♪ ♪ And we're not close ♪ ♪ Colleen, do less ♪ ♪ A quick side hug,
then home to make a mess ♪ -♪ I don't wanna think of you ♪ ♪ You're a very loose
acquaintance ♪ ♪ I don't wanna think of you ♪ ♪ When he down there
doin' some maintenance ♪ ♪ Give a huge, bad gift,
well, that's your call ♪ ♪ But tell me, when did this day
become a free-for-all? ♪ ♪ Your card said "I love you" ♪ ♪ And, again, Colleen,
you are my boss ♪ ♪ So I don't wanna
think of you ♪ -♪ Stand down, stand down ♪ ♪ Colleen,
you handle the checks ♪ ♪ Stand down, stand down ♪ ♪♪ -♪ I don't wanna think of the
card that my son bought me ♪ ♪ Keep in mind when you hear
this that he can't really read ♪ ♪ It said "Baby,
I can't wait for tonight" ♪ ♪ I know that sex
is what made him ♪ ♪ But it's just not r-i-i-ight ♪ Honey, what do you think
will happen tonight? -We eat cake, mama. -♪ Cake, mama ♪ -♪ I don't wanna think of you ♪ ♪ I just wanna curl my toes ♪
-[ Moans ] -♪ My dentist gave me ♪ ♪ A single rose ♪
-♪ A single rose ♪ -♪ A sexy day meant
for me and my lover ♪ ♪ Why did I get this lotion
from my brother? ♪ -♪ Don't do that, Michael ♪ -♪ So thanks for the cards
and the candies ♪ ♪ 'Cause I love you, too ♪ -♪ I love you ♪ -♪ But I don't wanna
think of you ♪ -Valentine's Day is for lovers. They don't wanna hear from you.
That's what birthdays are for. ♪♪ -Valentine's Day has
officially started right now, and here to comment
is our own Leslie Jones. -Whoo! How y'all doing?! Thanks for having me, Colin. Happy Valentine's Day,
everybody. -Happy Valentine's Day, Leslie.
Are you having a good one? Are you having a good
Valentine's Day? -I am now, you sexy dollop
of Miracle Whip. I just wanna spread you
on my sammich! -[Laughing] "Sammich." -Listen, I'm happy being single
on Valentine's Day because I know the perfect man
is out there for me. -Okay, yeah, well, they say
there's someone for everyone. Do you know
what you're looking for? -Absolutely. You want a list? -Oh.
-Let's dim the lights. Give me something smooth,
Manuel. -I'm sorry. Who is Manuel?
-He's my piano player. [ Piano plays mid-tempo music ] -Hola. -[Laughing] Okay. -Take it away, Manuel. ♪♪ My perfect man is happy, kind... a good kisser, but not too wet. Don't slobber on me. Good breath. Treats me with respect. Tight ass. Considerate. I'm talking about an ass
so tight, it can crack walnuts. ♪♪ I love walnuts. Good hair. Nice skin. Smells like an Israeli. [ Laughter ] Have you ever smelled
an Israeli? -Definitely not, no. -So good. ♪♪ Generous. Punctual. Good-sized penis -- one that is circumcised
and functioning all the time. ♪♪ Big smile. Which shouldn't be a problem if your penis... is functioning all the time. ♪♪ I want a man who's confident,
likes flowers, but don't send me any flowers,
because I don't like flowers! Flowers is death. You know how a body decomposes
and starts to stink? [ Music stops ] That's what you're sending me
when you're sending me flowers. 'Cause you done
already cut 'em up, and you sent 'em to me
'cause they're dead! And they stink of death! Death fumes! I got a bagful of
rotten-garbage dead flowers! A bagful of death! [ Laughter ] -Are you okay, Leslie? -I'm fine. [ Colin laughs ] [ Music resumes ] Patient. Hates avocados. I need a man
that talks dirty to me, but not so dirty where
I got to give him this look. I want a man
that's loyal, funny, but not funnier than me, and so far, that has
not been a problem. ♪♪ Smokes weed. Mom loves me, but not enough
where she wants to hang out with me, unless she smokes weed. ♪♪ I want a man
who can grill a steak without having to cut into it
and check if it's cooked like a little bitch. ♪♪ -Hey! How many steaks
have you seen me cut? ♪♪ -Completely despises avocados. -Well, yeah, okay. Well, you
already mentioned the avocados. -Then, clearly, that is
important to me, Jost! -I have to say, Leslie,
this is quite a list of demands. -Yeah, because these
are the qualities that I admire about myself -- except for the part
about the good-sized penis. But make no mistake... that if I had a penis... it would be huge! -Leslie Jones, everybody!
-Huge! -Happy Valentine's Day! For weekend update,
I'm Colin Jost. -I'm Michael Che! Good night! -And now a sexy
Valentine's Day message from Justin Bieber to you. [ Cheers and applause ] -Hey, girl.
Guess what's comin' up. It's Valentine's,
and I got a special one planned for just the two of us. Champagne? Check. Roses? [ Inhales deeply ] Check. ♪♪ Oh. Look what we got here. Sexy dice. Fondle butt. Rules are rules. ♪♪ Yeah, we're gonna
have a sexy time. Just you and me. And Taco. All dressed for bedtime, bud? Taco's crazy. He said
he'd be here for a night. Three months later, I'm like,
"Just get used to Taco." ♪♪ Now, where were we? You like fancy chocolate? These ones are all eaten! Taco! -Uh-oh! [ Camera shutter clicking ] [ Cellphone swishes ] Check your e-mail,
Hillary Clinton. [ Ding! ] So this Valentine's Day... it's gonna be you, me, passion. [Thud, bird squawks]
[Bleep] Was that a bird?! This Valentine's Day
is gonna get sexy courtesy of this massage oil. Nope. That's ultrasound gel. Well, we're gonna have to
make it work, right, Taco? ♪♪ Well, looks like
Taco's got his toilet out. Guess I better go.
Stay sexy, girl. ♪♪
I remember watching the CVS Valentine’s Day sketch when it first aired and thinking of a missed opportunity- the sketch could have ended with a mention to have your CVS ‘gift’ gift-wrapped with their 5 foot receipts.
Yea i know in 2020 that’s an old joke but back then it would’ve been original enough to add to the sketch imo