-I want you to know I'm not
a very good writer, okay? And, I mean,
it's not sophisticated, but it's how I feel. I just -- I mean every word
of what I wrote. -Whoa! Hey, Miss Handler, I found
a dead squirrel in your pool! [ Laughs ] ♪♪ -Oh! Oh! Ahh! [ Whistle blowing ] -No rough-housing in the spa! Settle down, please! -You're, uh --
you're talking to me? -Cut the horseplay, sir,
or I'll be forced to eject you
from the swimming facility! Thank you so much! -I'm sorry. Uh... Who exactly are you? -Lifeguard on duty, sir. If you don't mind,
I have to watch the water. -You're the lifeguard for
the little Jacuzzi here? -Correct, sir. Continue splashing,
and I'll be forced to ban you
from all aquatic activity. Thank you so much. -But, you know, I'm just
splashing water on myself, on my face. -Of course you were, sir. Then the other guy's doing it,
then the other guy. Next thing you know,
a body goes under, and there's bloated carcass
stuck in the filter. So, if you don't mind... -But I'm the only guy
in this Jacuzzi right now. -I am on watch, sir. I cannot have
this conversation right now. Attention, swimmer! Attention, swimmer! You are too far!
Return immediately! -Are you talking to me? -Slide back to the wall! You are blocking
the bubble jets! Repeat -- you are blocking
the bubble jets! -Alright, fine. Is over here good? -Watch that undertow, sir! It'll pull you right out!
Heads up! -Excuse me. What are you doing? Wait. What -- what is this? -6:00, sir. This side of the pool
is for lap swimming only. -What? -Afternoon, Mr. Carson. -Good to see you, Frank.
[ Whistle blows ] -[ Gasps ] [ Whistle blows ] Lap time is over!
-Whoo! That felt great. -[ Grunts ] [ Whistle blows ] Resume general swim! No diving, sir! No diving!
-I'm not diving. I just -- -The entire waterfront staff
appreciates your cooperation! Thank you so much! -Ow. Aah! Ow. Aah. -Is there an emergency, sir? -No, I just got
a small cramp in my toe. -Cramp?! Everyone, be calm!
Stay way from this area! There's nothing to see here! -You're not
talking about me, are you? -Swimmer, do not panic. I am a trained
professional lifesaver. -You're not -- No. [ Gasping ] -Do not fight me, sir. -Help!
-Just relax! -What the hell are you doing?! -Can you hear me, sir? -Yes, I can hear you.
-Can you hear me?! -Yes! Ow! Geez! -No! It's not your time yet! -I'm okay! I am okay! You know,
I don't appreciate this! This is horrible! -It's okay, sir.
You don't have to thank me. You've been exposed to
a terrible trauma. [ Gasps ]
Just play it safe from now on. Think I'm gonna go
for a little swim. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Hot tub bubbling ] -Excuse me? Excuse me.
-What? What? Yes? -We were wondering, is this your first time at
the Welshly Arms Hotel? -Uh, yeah. -Mm. And are you here
without a lov-ah? -Well, I am by myself. I'm just staying here
on business. -Hmm.
-We frequent the Welshly Arms. -Yes. -We find it a perfect quick
lov-ah's getaway. -Yes. Oh, forgive me. We are professors
Roger and Virginia Klarvin. -And your name? -Uh, Dave. -Ah!
-Ah! -Hmm! -Dave, may I share
something with you? -I guess.
I'm really just trying to-- -I find when one first enters
the scalding waters of the hot tub, it is not unlike
your first encounter with a new lov-ah. -Mm! I remember the first time
Roger and I made love. -Yes.
-Yes. We had pulled over
after a long Sunday drive. Roger led me to a clearing, laid me down upon
a bed of fresh meadow grasses. He then rubbed my nubile body with fruit liniments
and Noxzema. Then he artfully covered my back
with melted butter and cloves. And until
the flies and ants came, methinks it was
the finest lovemaking the world had ever known. -Yes.
-Hmm. -Are you listening, Dave? -Yeah.
I'm just tired, that's all. -Ah!
-Ah! -Is that the professors
Virginia and Roger Klarvin? -Oh, what a surprise!
-Oh, what a surprise! It's our dear friend
Barbara Hernandez. -Yes.
-Hmm! -Barbara, what brings you to
the prestigious Welshly Arms? -The usual -- quiet strolls,
family-style dining, archery. -Well, please,
join us in the hot tub. -Thank you, Roger.
-Yes. It's very refreshing. -It simply is divine.
-Yes. Barbara, dare I ask? Are you no longer with your
lov-ah, Mitchell? -Well, as you know, Mitchell was the most skillful
and creative lov-ah. -Oh, yes!
-Oh, yes! -However,
his love for me was exceeded by his love for
sweet wine and dog racing. So now I can turn my attention
fully to my first love... archery. -Dave...Dave...Dave... David.
-[ Laughing ] Yes? -David.
-Right. -Our dear friend, Barbara Hernandez,
is the top female archer in the Northeast Division. -That's unbelievable. -Does anyone care for
spiced lamb shanks? -Come on.
-Oh! -What is -- what is that? -Well, at this point
during the soak, my lov-ah and I
usually crave spiced meats. [ Laughing ] We always... We always order them up special
from the Welshly Arms kitchen and keep them here
in this Igloo cooler. -The Welshly Arms
is renowned for its shanks. -Yeah, wonderful shanks.
-I'm good, I'm good, actually. -Alright. You're missing out on
some good shanks. -We should mention that although
the waters above appear calm, below the surface,
there is a frenzy of activity. Hands groping,
fingers fluttering, thighs twitching in
the anticipation of lovemaking that will take place in this
hot tub in less than 12 minutes. -I'm getting kind of pruney.
I'm out. -Wait, wait, wait.
-Wait, Dave, Dave. -Barbara, you are sans lov-ah. Dave, you a
weary business traveler. Perhaps Cupid's aim is as sharp
as that of Barbara Hernandez. -Perhaps. -I don't know.
I think I'll just-- -David, don't be alarmed by
the professors Klarvin. I remember myself
when I first met Rog and Virg at the university. We were taking a camping trip
to the Grand Canyon. -Yes. -After a supper of
jackrabbit haunches, we laid out beneath the stars. -Somewhere in the distance, we heard the pounding of
native drums. Was it...
[ Laughter ] Was it in our minds? We don't know. [ Cheers and applause ] -That night,
the great eagle spirit himself appeared at our tent and
beckoned us to make love. We submitted to its
ravenous desires as the three of us became
one with the great eagle spirit. -Turns out
the great eagle spirit was actually a fugitive trucker
by the name of Rich Crenshaw. -Maybe I'm just road-weary, but that's
a pretty beautiful story. -Lov-ah. Would you care to see my bed
adorned with hibiscus petals and my photo of
me and Geena Davis? -Geena Davis? That sounds nice. -Goodbye, Dave.
-Bye, lov-ahs. Oh!
-Bye. -You know... -Nothing pleases me more than seeing two new lovers
take off into the night mist. -Yes, lover, I think there's only one reward
for the job we've done. -Let the screams of our
lovemaking reverberate off the roof of the Welshly Arms... -Oh, lov-ah.
-...and into the night sky. -Oh, lov-ah. -Ow! Ow, my back! -What?
-My back. -Is it your back? What? I thought the
water might help with your -- -Well, it doesn't help!
Get the hell off me! [ Cheers and applause ] -Okay, you're up next.
-Slide safe. -Oh, my God, yes. Everyone knows how to
ride a water slide. -Really? Well, tell that to me
two summers ago. I didn't slide safe
and I messed up my jaw. -Now he can't say "cinnamon."
-"Slumanon." -Arms in, you're good to go.
-Okay. Whoo! -Next rider. Wait. You puked in
the lazy river this morning. -No, I didn't. -That's puke on your sun shirt.
-No, it's not. -Alright.
-Whoo! [ Vomits ] -Oh, dude!
-Man, he yakked again! -Yeah, dude! I know it!
I knew it was him! -What's up, guys?
-Oh. What's up, Jess?
-Looking good today. -Yeah, you're looking better
than yesterday. -We thought that was impossible. I don't even know if
that's possible. [ Both laugh ]
-You guys are so funny. Hey, can one of
you guys do me... such a huge solid
and screen my shoulders? They're totally scorched.
-Yeah, I got it, Jess. -Okay.
-I'm all about sun safety. -I got it first, dude.
-Punk off, Chad! -You punk off, dude! -LOL. You guys are too much.
Just do it together. -Whoa! Dang, Jess,
you got a lot of moles, dude. -Thanks. -I feel like a blind guy. I'm, like,
reading your skin or something. -Thanks. My mom says
it gives me personality, and my dad and I don't speak. Oh, man, that feels bomb. -Yeah.
-Yeah. -That is bomb right there.
-That is bomb, dude. -Yeah. -Um, can I go or should I just
friggin' stand here until I'm a friggin' thousand
friggin' years old?! -We're having
a staff meeting right now. -Uh, well, okay. I'm gonna go
down, head friggin' first. -Alright. -Whatever. We don't care.
-Whoo! [ Bang ]
Ow! My friggin' chin! -Jess!
-Yeah. -Uh, some kid over at
Guppies Grotto wedged his dork
into one of the jets. He's wiggin' out. -Ugh! That is our
third hog clog this week. -Hey, you got
a hole and some warm water, these little perverts
is gonna plug it. -Alright, guys, I got to roll. And, Trent,
I'd be down for a ride in your Jeep Wrangler sometime. Later.
-Cool. Yeah, I'll ask my dad
if I can borrow it. -Oh, yeah, dude. Oh, man!
Our line is long as hell! -We got to make up some time! -Alright,
everybody down at once! Just jump on each other!
Go, dude! Hustle, hustle!
-I love my job, man! -Yes, dude!
-You're my best friend. -King of the waterfalls, dude.
[ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪
-♪ Yeah, yeah ♪ -♪ You boys don't learn
to let sleepin' dogs lie ♪ ♪ I am ready for war,
no fear...♪ -Chad! ♪♪ Chad! -Oh. What up, Miss Handler? [ Vacuum stops ] Hey. -Oh, my God. Chad -- No, no, Chad.
We can't do this anymore. -Oh, okay. -Wait.
♪♪ I couldn't sleep last night. -Oh, I hate that.
-What am I doing? Am I some bored housewife who's having an affair
with her 23-year-old pool boy? I mean, what is this? -Your kitchen.
-No, I mean us. I really hope you understand,
but we have to end this. -Okay. -God, I had no idea
it would be this hard. It's just when it first -- [ Vacuum starts ] Chad! -What up? -You deserve an explanation! -Oh, okay, cool.
[ Vacuum stops ] -Look, you've done
nothing wrong, okay? I should have known better,
but -- I don't know -- it was just -- it was fun. It was new.
-Okay. -But, my God, I'm a married
woman with three kids. My husband's
on the city council. I'm the PTA president
at Melanie's school. -Who's Melanie?
-My daughter. -Okay. -God, if this got out,
it would just ruin my life, our families's lives. -Aww, my bad. -But, God, all I want you to do is clear the bags off this table
and take me right now. -Okay. -But you can't.
-Oh, okay. -Because I've learned that,
sometimes, getting what you want means
losing what you already have. ♪♪ Look, I-I wrote
this for you last night. -Oh, okay. -Oh, my God, I'm blushing. I just -- I want you to know I'm
not a very good writer, okay? And, I mean,
it's not sophisticated, but it's how I feel. I just -- I mean every word
of what I wrote. -Whoa! Hey, Miss Handler, I found
a dead squirrel in your pool! [ Laughs ] ♪♪ -Bye, Chad. [ Lawnmower starts ] Hello? -What up? -Where's Phillip?
-Oh, my Uncle Just hired me. I'm gonna be doing
your house now. I'm Toby. -I'm gonna [bleep] that kid. ♪♪
[ Cheers and applause ]
