Martin Lawrence | I Gotta Tell the TRUTH

I don't know you got to watch the tape bomb I said they had on their bout something about me I'll talk about this marriage thing but seem like a lot of things I'm not blaming marriage what seemed like a lot of things that I've been through have happened when I was married and it's just ironic I don't know how that went down but if you got a chance to watch the tape the [ __ ] said something about going live you know how they do the media gonna say that I was out in the arm out on the street yelling stuff did they say that on that tape but they say that [ __ ] today they did say that they said I'm a mother I'm sayin laughs okay you know I see white men out their lap you know be walking all the [ __ ] time they don't get in trouble I go out to the street one day I go out there then I get in trouble I'm gonna tell you how what happened cuz it did I had a tip man mama know I'm gonna say I'll tell you what happened you know I happen to be married at the time right and you know the wife at the time asked me to go get something to eat being a good husband and that's what I did I went out to I saw okay fine I go to McDonald's get something to eat now that I think about I don't even know why I went out on the street to get something to eat because being a good husband and as hard as I work I should have had a home-cooked meal you know I should you know and you know but I should have dressed that then y'all I should have dressed it then so I go out in the street and [ __ ] and I'm walking down the street and I wait for a light I go to cross the street you know catch the light and next thing you know you got ambulance firemen policemen all them out there jumping on me they got guns and all that all cuz I try to run across the street and catch the light y'all know I was hotter the [ __ ] yeah I was high as [ __ ] damn I was lunching I was smoking that way oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] oh [ __ ] i ain't actually knows something was up with that [ __ ] and could see the dope man inside you know write it on the bag that this is the ill we don't smoke it until after 12:00 and [ __ ] but i [ __ ] around and smoke that [ __ ] I saw blue smoke but I wasn't quite sure and I went out in the street and I was walking and some say to run real fast right now [ __ ] running in the street [ __ ] with the OEE I'm running like crazy what kind of [ __ ] has the dope man sold me and I'm in that [ __ ] just chucking cars [ __ ] with the car jumping out the way [ __ ] with the cars and [ __ ] next thing you know the [ __ ] police in the fire minute mmm mr. Lawrence son what's wrong calm down and I'm up there [ __ ] looking at them and [ __ ] all crazy they looking at me I'm looking at them they looking at me I'm looking at them I start singing how come I feel like somebody's watching me I start singing Rockwell's up in that [ __ ] I said up don't man that sold me the ooh-wee oh oh [ __ ] and then I see no Lemmon I thought my audience had changed so I stopped performing for my start dancing [ __ ] man [ __ ] with that it away and next thing you know my jacket hit my my arm hit my jacket and my jacket flew open and they gonna say yeah I had a gun on me okay no I did how did I have a gun man I remember the story I did have that I didn't have but I have it to hurt nobody y'all I just had it cuz I was out there by myself you know if somebody tries jump me you know cuz I got cat get up off me get up off me you know whatever I got to do you know so when they saw that gun man it all them loaded up the hand Lance had guns do they and firemen had gun and they loaded up and they where it got ready to shoot and I know misaligns know and they got ready to shoot and I passed out like a my fainting like still I said ah-ha cable leaders I can't believe this how did it come to this I'm in the street [ __ ] with the OE fainted y'all just cuz I knew the bullets was gonna hurt so I got high I figure I could brace the bullet some of the pain if I just check out like that next thing you know I wake up about 15 minutes later and they got me on a gurney and I'm lying on a gurney they got the [ __ ] news media everybody in my face and [ __ ] I can't believe this I'm right now I'm embarrassing I know it's going it's going out to all the new places and everything and everybody they're going right what they want to say what they want and here's their chance to [ __ ] with me and I'm laying on this gurney that [ __ ] in my sister boom we and then what would have me in a paddy wagon slash Hamill hands their first option was to take me to jail you know they knew something I was [ __ ] with something but I was lunching in there so bad they knew I had to go to hospital cuz I kept yelling now incoherent [ __ ] I was just monkeys like a player volleyball doing dumb [ __ ] hit board like a wedge or stupid [ __ ] they said this [ __ ] to lunch out yeah take his ass at the hospital they took me to a [ __ ] hospital put me in his room with just padded walls and a big-ass glass and [ __ ] where they can see through and I'm running up to it lunching and [ __ ] [ __ ] with the window that haha walking away you know gonna [ __ ] my sister and I'm thinking what the [ __ ] wait and when I get my hand on that [ __ ] dope man said that Nader and he could have called me that autumn ever I know he got a a [ __ ] cell phone all he had to do was read my phone tell me don't [ __ ] with that one man I'm in the air the doctor comes in he wants to help me he says uh mr. Lars listen are you okay I'm sitting in a paranoia you know this I think listen I want to help you kid but listen I don't know we don't know what's in your system okay we check we just ran tests we checked your blood there was nothing in your system at all so we can't figure out why the [ __ ] you're in the street you know why the [ __ ] you're singing someone's watching you okay and we just don't know what's going on now I need to question two questions lines I need to know what you were smoking and who sold it to you and for about a minute I sobered up I like oh [ __ ] I can't tell you that da oh no that's a street code we never tell mother you trying to get me [ __ ] up about a dope so he walked out said I'm gonna leave your ass and he walked out and then I'm sitting in there thinking as I'm trying to get this [ __ ] out of my system like what that they can't find in my system oh my goodness man I'm sitting there man he come back ten days later miss Florence you ready to go home you ready to go home I say yeah I'm ready to go home the monkey you like they do like to play volleyball so he came back five days later after that wasn't quite gone so finally I was getting out my system I said man I can't believe it y'all haven't seen it on the news everybody I've heard I'm badass I'm like man you know my family always had to go through this so I'm getting ready to get out of the hospital and I want to thank each and every one of you for your love because I felt you you know that you were there for me and it shows tonight you know and I'm really I'm really thankful forever grateful you know for that love and you know and then getting ready leave and celebrity start coming up to see me at the hospital Magic Johnson can't see it's this bad jazz every dude it is true you know crazy boys do that stuff don't blow your career that boo bah you got to be like dad and that was a beautiful magic say that and so I was still a little little buzzed little bus I took that opportunity to ask them to get me on a Lakers it's a show ma sha mama see what I do about it ma I know he went home and told cookie yeah that [ __ ] [ __ ] that cookie yeah he wanted to take Derek fishes job baby I know that's what he said then hammer came up see me I couldn't believe Hammer hammer done I know how have a dad I know how Hammer hammer I don't did enough dancing in the street I'm tired I'm okay they almost shot me out in man it's serious an Eric be formerly a rock hammer being rock him you know him anybody y'all heard of her yeah that's right it became ugly I say Eric ain't got no more [ __ ] man okay they impounded my car okay I got a bag under the seat check the seat okay but call that [ __ ] dope man first call you we [ __ ] cuz that [ __ ] ain't that's why I'm here finally I was getting out got a chance to go home and I was feeling bad you know but I couldn't let it weigh on me cuz I said you know we [ __ ] up you know so I said let me get my life together I'm trying to get out and I go to a club my marriage was on the break so I couldn't really go home can I go to a club that's how we do when we try and get our life together so I'm in the [ __ ] Club you know trying to get my dance song doing all the old dances and [ __ ] you know whatever was out somebody bumped into me it's upon and watch yourself man and he gonna push me so I punch that [ __ ] in his mouth we got to rumbling whatever whatever up in there cuz you know I ain't thinking hey I'm on TV and all you know you push me [ __ ] you gettin it whatever you know I could have walked away but I didn't so all these [ __ ] need a club they leave the [ __ ] club and all these cops coming in about 30 cops with shotguns for Luann's Martin they don't come in that [ __ ] kaka kaka mr. Lawrence I fainted again I said I can't believe this [ __ ] who all this just somebody set me up so now they ready to take me to jail and I know I'm about to go in there and I ain't riled up this you know these horrors get at me you know try to come at me right here so I start jump down I tell the police give me five minutes I'll do some push-ups you know man I get my [ __ ] deeds on and I'm walking got my hustle on what work cuz I'm not going in rubber like a [ __ ] that's how it go down what what what and they threw me in the cell by myself so now I'm all gonna set all DS the [ __ ] up with nobody to rumble a time starts ticking and [ __ ] about I go buy some of my DS drop on me another hour go by some Modi's drop off dinner hour 4 hours go by I'm holding my arms like a little bit I'm sorry he fired I'm not an animal this is how bad I felt so they don't get rid get out of here right before I lead a hand me all my stuff back and they hand me a paper to go to court you know and as I couldn't believe it now I'm in [ __ ] court so I go from the tour the gun charges the fights to court I wound up at quarter had this you know young you know white take no [ __ ] you know judge its Martin what the [ __ ] are you doing in my courtroom now I want to know why the [ __ ] are you in my courtroom I don't understand it okay whoa whoa whoa whoa you mean it's something I go to have my bagel and my coffee this morning I look at the paperwork and your [ __ ] name is on my [ __ ] best what are you thinking Martin you know what you're doing you're [ __ ] making a side yourself and you're blowing it kid that's what the [ __ ] you're doing you're blowing it you know you you you you're in a position to do what a lot of people would love to do and you're [ __ ] throwing it away you're becoming a [ __ ] menace to society and it doesn't even make sense why don't you use all this exposure and [ __ ] did you got to do something positive Martin okay cuz you're in my courtroom and I will lock your [ __ ] ass up okay I don't give a [ __ ] I will lock you up yes I'm down with the brothers and the homies I will lock your ass up okay I put someone away about a year ago his name was tank he thought he was bad now his name is Tina Martin okay and Tina's wearing a little tank ease Martin okay I will lock your ass up so get yourself together or leave it alone I will lock you up axe Gary Coleman and I said oh I said you right I get it together you right I get it together he said not with our probation and then [ __ ] put me 30 days y'all in a field of [ __ ] nothing but rocks nothing but rocks I said what the [ __ ] they ain't nothing but rock is that I don't know stack them [ __ ] you mean stack him you got 30 days to figure this [ __ ] out and make a stack of take the little pebble to the big rock to the bigger rock to the big big rock to the boulder stack that [ __ ] so I'm in here 30 days can't believe it got the hot show on [ __ ] TV at the time and I'm tripping I can't and everything that happened to me and I'm in the [ __ ] field of rocks how the [ __ ] I can hear some so started hitting me started getting depressed cuz this one I didn't want this it's a song started coming to me at least one of them that took me back and I sing and I sing that's for 30 days y'all and then in my 30 days what's up I finally got out and I said oh I'm going on I'm [ __ ] I'm done I gotta sing that no more you know and I started walking look back at the rocks and [ __ ] that I had built and did a wonderful job I said well damn why can't you do that with your life and hit me I said well how'd you [ __ ] it out most people would love to do what you what you're doing if they had the opportunity you've been blessed with a gift to make people laugh you know [ __ ] all this and the fighting and doing all this negative what are you doing didn't hit me I said you know what I'm gonna be so [ __ ] hard on myself cuz I don't know that - no [ __ ] body that's what I said I don't know that [ __ ] - no [ __ ] body and I say that loud and I say that proud I don't owe it but what I do owe I owe it to myself I owe it to my loved ones and I owe it to the people who care about me you know why we [ __ ] up cuz we human ain't nobody nobody immune to the trials and tribulations of life nobody is immune to the trials and tribulations of life not me you you you you you are you and with that I said move on get your life together get your life together get your life together so the people can't accept you for you and they crucify you for that then crucify this [ __ ] so I keep rolling I keep rolling and as I'm trying to get my [ __ ] life together I was trying to get my life together I gotta deal with rumors people knows it in your [ __ ] business people that run like to run around and tell [ __ ] that ain't even sure about you're known to me and I said what I go to try to try to get it together and I look at a paper that says Martin tries to jump out a plane using his jacket as a parachute [Applause] and that's some dumb [ __ ] the right ought to have his ass walked I said because I know you don't use your your jacket as a parachute of you trying to jump out of plane I know you got to use your pants but I don't think I know this [ __ ] y'all but I'm dealing with the rumors I go to try to get my social life together cuz I'm divorced now you know I'm embarrassed about all that [ __ ] so I go to try crack up on some young lady she go ah you crazy ain't you no don't [ __ ] with him he got a Glock he got a gun on hand on it I'll take some young lady out to dinner and it's going well halfway through and then she asks some dumb [ __ ] let me ask you a question don't you got your lady hostage in the house I looked at it like you got to be about one of the dumbest [ __ ] I done seen this part of town don't you think if I got somebody hostage in the house and you know it the FBI know it the CIA every [ __ ] body else Nora I don't even want your dumb ass I got up and walked away from the table fo with the [ __ ] bill [ __ ] you so I moved on y'all I said [ __ ] it once again we move on cuz it ain't goin stop you're always gonna have Devils trying to take down god's children you always go ahead but they'll never win so I'll move on they can't win a thing that they wanted soon so I moved on and I went jogging and I was jogging and I said something where there's a love just for me whoo somewhere there's a love just for me and I went jogging remixed [ __ ] dying [ __ ] dying and I was jogging and I haven't now my headphones on but I went jogging on a hottest [ __ ] day of the summer and our [ __ ] passed out damn as if I have enough [ __ ] in my life already just when I try to get it together I passed the [ __ ] out my brother's out on the [ __ ] lawn laying next to [ __ ] has it come to this my neighbors was walking by to see me laying it on lon goodness that's a white people they didn't wanna you know bother me he's talking to me I'm Martin on his lawn so why does he go in the house I don't know that's that [ __ ] lawn let him leave there but my lady found me and she called a blast and I'm forever grateful to to hurt my family all of them it was instrumental and being a part of saving my life you know but they didn't think I was I was here y'all cuz I was laying on that ground in that Sun and their [ __ ] son was frying my [ __ ] head in a skullcap in a [ __ ] wool ass hat it was fine my [ __ ] so they think oh man they check my pulse they couldn't find no pulse my temperature was 107 so guys was driving to an Atlantic leaned over couldn't feel the pulse they said [ __ ] it is [ __ ] gone he won't stop at the looking stuff yeah pick up some Courvoisier not that but they get me to the hospital on time you know I thankful to all them the doctors and nurses that I am last all but one thing they gonna do I'm 107 they needed to give me your ice they put me on nothing but ice they had to buy from all the stores they put ice all over my body but nekkid damn it and now I don't mind that okay I'm hot cool me off but I was butt-naked and I had to wait in my meet that I usually had and so I'm out there like this all eyes and they around me taking pictures and [ __ ] laughing at me imma fight that in court though now mobility cuz somebody could have put a ice cube on my balls and swirled it up a little bit that's something come on now I'm a black man y'all but they didn't do that they didn't do that so my family was there at the hospital and stuff there was no ice in the stores drunks was coming getting pieces of ice off me Thank You Martin get better my family was there the doctors tried to tell him to go at home said you know and I love them and I thank him so much for never ever giving up on me because I've gone home I probably wouldn't even be here you know and my brother yeah thank you so I applaud him yeah it was rough my brother scared a doctor cuz he didn't want to hear that [ __ ] he military [ __ ] you Tom now what he got [ __ ] I would look what I'm gonna do I'm gonna walk down the street when I get back keep talking that [ __ ] you talkin doc better pull out a stethoscope [ __ ] something so that's when they start working on me working on me and them doctors did all they could you know man and I and I thank them for that but as much as I thanked them I gave God the glory for bringing me back you know I give him the glory no question I thank him you know for putting his children out there round me you know to help me and so I woke up three days later and I was out for three you know being out for three days I'll tell you what some of the best sleep I have a guy but I woke up everybody was happy to see me we love you we love you well yeah my hair had a tube in my mouth had a catheter in my dad I thought my dick had grew yeah oh damn Kappa I didn't know how they got that catheter in there cuz they could have got this [ __ ] in here if I was woke I'll tell you that [ __ ] so I had to learn to talk again I learn to walk again how'd you learn to do all these things we generally take for granted you know they're coming off so easy I had to learn how to do that [ __ ] again my show was running on the air I got movies out [ __ ] but I can't even go to premieres and [ __ ] cuz I can't walk can't do all this [ __ ] so I said [ __ ] I got to work hard to get better work hard to get better so they told me they put me in a room and they gave me a bell they said if you need some help since you can't get up and walk hit this Bell and we'll come in and help you the nurse will come in and help you and this catheter was attached to uh to a tank that had you knows where your piss goes and one day I tried to get up for God I couldn't walk in the whole piss tank fell I ring the bell baby I drop them huh I dropped my pen and this fine nurse walked in y'all fine what's so fine where you go wrong Hey and she came in and she cleaned up the piss and she said mr. Lawrence don't worry about it okay these kind of things are gonna happen right now you know you're not strong enough but you're gonna have to work at that it's gonna take some time it's gonna take you know you're working out with you know just you just got to go through rehab and just take your time and if you need some help just ring your bell that's what I'm here for mr. line and I looked at that fine woman be so professional I said I try to get up again pile piss again ping I got my pen came in and clean it up again cleaning up again this went on about ten times I don't know and she's just woman that didn't complain just cleaning up with her fine sound then one day I was looking at something in my last prank and I [ __ ] on myself and hash it all on me and you could I could see the [ __ ] clearly because the the back of the you know the the hospital gown is cut out so the [ __ ] had just access to my thigh and all that [ __ ] and it just smush it was this soft water [ __ ] and I could take her spell I didn't want to call her and [ __ ] cuz a nurse was so fine I thought I can't call her I can't call her my pride won't let me call her who she's so fine I know she's got a fine friend I can't call her but the smell was so bad I said [ __ ] that they named it a day today they they take it but it ain't a thing about anything excuse me and this woman came in and cleaned cleaned up the [ __ ] and I could not believe it she was cleaning and she said y'all let me let me look crazy up here did I do something then I [ __ ] up MA all right I hear [ __ ] laughing there's a whole different joke so we start from here again for editing purpose so I can she came back in the room and she she cleaned up this she cleaned up this [ __ ] and this woman's cleaning and I couldn't believe it and she said mr. Lawrence don't worry about it see I know these I told you that you know your bowels and everything your muscles are not strong enough to be able to go to the bathroom correctly but it's nothing to be embarrassed and this woman was cleaning and then she started cleaning me and she stopped wiping me this fine as professional woman was cleaning dude dude Oh me [Music] [Applause] and then that was a beautiful thing for them to do for her to do and after that I [ __ ] about maybe seven more times I would say went from hard [ __ ] the doodleball [ __ ] little dude all kind of [ __ ] [ __ ] with corn in it and stuff and she cleaned it up cleaning up about the Tim doodle she was mad then I [ __ ] all that professional went out the window she came in here all right mr. Lawrence then this [ __ ] don't make no sense can you two grow for this [ __ ] okay you didn't been in this hospital or let's tell me you ain't worth your [ __ ] muscle jack [ __ ] all over the place that's just not cute and you won't act like you want to get with me I don't want no shitty man it's about my hair my hands should be [ __ ] my aunt so after that I think she quit cuz she couldn't take the [ __ ] off me no more so so she quit and I was nervous I didn't want to call nobody else and bird nobody else with my [ __ ] so one time [ __ ] and I just sat in it yeah I sided in the flour about ten days I just sat there and it was thinking like a [ __ ] I was baking and I couldn't have taken I wanted her in a bed I said I know I don't want a bird nobody I cut the mother took a pillowcase and put it over my head put it under my nose and cut out the eyes and I look like a shitty superhero my pride won't let me call her but the smell was [ __ ] with me and then they finally found out here the funk was coming from my room and they all ran in me and I started I went into the now I thought blaming people and [ __ ] I said somebody there's a serial [ __ ] going her hand he broke in here and put the drugs on me I wasn't in his [ __ ] again not after what I've been through finally I stopped pissing on myself I stop [ __ ] on myself start to learn how to walk again talk again you know bring it to you bring it to you get out here you know and I couldn't now believing I said whoa fine get my kid give my life back like I'm getting it back i'ma ride this [ __ ] till the wheels fall off and that's that's why I'm serious y'all and I was feeling good and I was getting ready to leave the hospital and I was getting ready take out the caliber I didn't want to see that go I'ma be honest because I was gonna use that I'm gonna make people think it was my big I was gonna paint it same color as my dick put a vein on it and become the hottest male dancer in DC's review but they took it out and I was back to life back to reality and I was getting off as sympathy [ __ ] right before I left the hospital nurses was coming in my room while I was packing hi mr. Lawrence you're going home how you feel good good good well we're glad you got yourself back we're just happy that you're back and don't forget to ride that [ __ ] to the wheels all off would you like to ride this [ __ ] I would like a look it I ride it a little bit so it got out of there and what can I say that I learned from all of that from all of that if you recap it is that a we are human no one is immune to the trials and tribulations of life yes yes I love you back baby I love you that's what I'll talk about but I say that to say we fall down but we get up y'all [Music]

Channel: Martin Lawrence

Views: 1,619,868

Rating: 4.83564 out of 5

Keywords:

Id: 344zO640yw8

Length: 31min 27sec (1887 seconds)

Published: Mon Nov 11 2019