<u>
don't smell</u>
I'm like,
anything, I don't knoÁand then every once and a while like
"Carboni!" "Go!" "Carboni! Pete!" "Please
just go!" (music) (music) Do you guys have that friend
that everybody has and as
soon as they start dating somebody they just are
not your friend anymore they just disappear into the
relationship. So I had this friend Pete, ok, Pete Carboni.
he gets like that. When Pete Carboni has a girlfriend he's
a no-call-returning
motherfucker, like you can just call him
twenty times you won't get anything back so he was dating
this girl once named Kelly and we didn't talk for like a year
and at some point you're like "Alright, I'll fucking hang
out when you break up, see you in eight months." You know, you
just know at some point, that's their pattern. So Pete
called me one day and he goes "Hey Ari, listen I broke up
with Kelly." And i was like, "Fuck yeah, man.
congratulations." And he goes "Listen", he owned up to it
he goes "Lsten, I've been a bad friend and I'm sorry. And
I want to make it up to you so I got some mushrooms so I think we
should do these mushrooms to rekindle our friendship. And I
was like "Dude, Pete, you don't have to do that man,
I'm just happy to have you back in my life. Just to have
you around again is good enough, but I will be there in four
minutes because let's do these mushrooms. I had never done
them before, have you guys ever done them before by round of
applause? (cheers) Ok, cool a few of you have. At the time I
had never done them so I was worried, we didn't know like
how long it would take to kick in, none of this stuff. So we
asked our drug dealer cause that's what you're supposed
to do. Always ask your drug dealer for advice they have a
vested interest in keeping you safe. They want you to come back
and our drug dealer said it would take thirty minutes to
kick in so we were like perfect, here's what we're gonna do.
We're going to take these mushrooms, we're going to go
to the Third Street Promenade
in Santa Monica where there's no
cars and we can walk around and have a great time. So we took
them, we drove to the Third Street Promenade. It's like a
five minute drive from his house. Anyways, maybe three
minutes on the way, this car
passed us, just this other car on a two
lane street just passed us and we laughed so hard at that. We
were just like "dude (indistinctÓ and at one point
one of us was like. "wait this doesn't seem that funny" and
we're like "yeah it's not that funny- ohhh we're on
mushrooms, we're tripping out right now, they've kicked in.
Way too early. Why did we trust our drug dealer?" So we're
like we have to park
immediately. So we're driving to a free
parking lot but right then we passed a five dollar parking lot
and he was like "We should pull over here." And I was
like "yes, we should." but
even on mushrooms my judaism does not
leave me. Free, exactly, is always less money than some
money. So we thought better be safe than sorry, let's go to
this free parking lot. We got maybe two blocks of the six
blocks we had left and I looked over and we were in traffic and
I looked over and saw a tree in the sidewalk on the other side
of the street and I thought "man that tree needs some
friends. And if he was born in the forest he'd have tons of
friends. but he wasn't he was born in the fucking sidewalk,
and he's got nobody" and I turned to pete and I'm like
"Hey man you thinking what I'm thinking?" and he was
like. "wait, what, no! There's like a billion
thoughts you could have, I'm definitely not thinking what
you're thinking. The odds of that are just crazy, it's
mind blowing, for instance, I'm thinking we should go hug
that tree." "That's exactly what I was thinking!
that's the exact thing!" But he's like "ok, but let's
not get out here because if we get out in the middle of street
it will be weird that we're just abandoning our car in the
middle lane, so i was like "cool let's go to the free
parking lot" so we went to the free parking lot, forgot about
the tree instantly, and as we were leaving I took my phone and
was like, "should I have this with me?" I didn't know what
mushrooms were, I had this thought that if somebody, like
the wrong person texted me I was going to freak out. Like if my
mom texted me I'd just be like "ah, you know!" and fucking
chuck my phone. So I just left it in the car. I didn't want
to deal with it, That doesn't happen, you shouldn't leave
your phone in the car, but that's not what happened. So
we got out, went to the Third Street Promenade. Now, the Third
Street Promenade, if you haven't been there, is full of
families. You feel like a real degenerate. You're like
"I'm on mushrooms, and that's a four year old." So
we both felt kinda weird and were just like "let's get
out of here, let's go see a movie." So we sat down, got a
bunch of popcorn, sat down in this movie theatre and we were
like "This is going to be awesome" and then the Bruno
trailer came on and man we laughed so hard. People are
worried about mushrooms but you just laugh, we laughed. We just
laughed for the first half of that preview. And then Pete
Carboni, he just starts rustling with his jacket, he has his
jacket on, he just starts rustling with it like this over
and over again. And I'm over here looking at him and I'm
like, I don't want to say anything, but he's been doing
that for a while. And then all of a sudden he just stands up
and he just walks out. And I was like "fuck yeah, Pete's
feeling it." So I enjoyed the rest of the preview myself, it
was amazing. Movie started, Pete didn't come back, and I was
like "Where the fuck is he, I thought he went to the bathroom
or something. I was like, "I should go check for him, but I
don't wanna miss this movie, it's pretty amazing
already." And, to tell you what happened to Pete Carboni,
ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Pete Carboni, everybody let him hear
it. So it was about halfway
through the trailer... [laughter] To the movie <i>Bruno</i> that I started
to feel sadder than I've ever felt
in my life before. I think what was
going through my mind is, I was laughing
at the trailer. I found it really funny,
and I was like, "Yeah, this guy Sacha Baron
Cohen's a really funny dude. He's doing really well
in his career," you know? And then I started to think
of my own career as a comedian, and I started to get
a little bit sad. And that thought just
spiraled me and propelled me
out of that room. I had that feeling
that you have, like, right before you're about
to cry hysterically. I mean, am I right, fellas?
Yeah? And I was in a dark place
in my life. I'd just gotten out of this
on-again, off-again embattled relationship
with this girl Kelly. And Kelly would use
the off-again portion of our relationship to have sex
with some of my friends. Yes, and this would
often inspire me to take her back again,
you know, to stop that
from happening, which would make us
more embattled, you know? Which would make me
break up with her. The whole thing--it's what
an economist might call a vicious cycle. So I--like, I got to get
out of here. I'm just not
in a good place. So I jump into a cab,
and I say, "551 Sawtelle," and the guy must have
misheard me. So he turned around, and he was like,
"Uh, which hotel?" And normally, I think I would be able to
resolve this misunderstanding. But in the condition I was in,
all I could think to do was, I pointed in the direction
of my apartment, and I just was like, "Go! Ari: So I thought I should go
out and see if Pete Carboni is in the lobby. And I also had
this other problem where I
became positive that I had peed my
pants. And it's dark in a movie
theatre and I couldn't see so I was just
trying to feel for it, just like
this in the fucking begining of
public enemies. Looking at other people just like "no, it's not
what you think, I just" Like, they'll never understand.
I just pissed myself and I just
wanted to check. It's not what you think, it's
nothing bad. And I couldn't feel
any liquid and I was like alright maybe I didn't pee
myself. And I was like you know
what, here's what I'll do, I'll go outside, in the lobby in
the light and see if I have a
pee stain, and that's how I'll find Carboni if he's
out there. Pete: Please, just go!" And so the guy just starts
driving in that direction, and I'm like,
"Okay, I'm on my way home," and then we got
to a stop sign. And it's a weird thing. When you're on mushrooms, it messes with your sense
of time, you know? So it felt like I was at this
stop sign for, like, a year. It felt awful. And so I couldn't help my--
and I just start going, "Go!
Please! Please go!
Just go!" And then the guy
would drive faster, and then he'd get
to the next stoplight sooner. And then I'd yell "go" again. I mean, this is another
vicious cycle I found myself in. So I got out of the cab.
I told him to stop, got out. And I gave him 100 bucks. And then I turned,
and I just started running. And I was running down
Bundy Avenue, which if you don't know is
basically a four-lane highway. And it's probably too big
of a street to be running down, dressed like this, as fast as you can while you're crying
hysterically, Ari: So I went outside, I
looked, I didn't see him right
away. I was like "Oh, let' me check my
pee stain." I looked, I didn't
see a stain I was like "Oh, fuck yeah. Maybe
I didn't pee myself at all." But then I was like, "wait, what
if I peed, so much, that the
entire thing is just one big pee stain." Pete: as I'm running,
I notice ahead of me a hole, like,
in a fence. And so my instinct is just to go
through this hole in the fence. So I just jumped--
I sort of slide through, and I wind up in,
like, this suburban backyard. And there's some dude
who's, like, reading a paper
on his back porch as I come in
in my sad state. And I was like, "I'm just... I'm gonna try
the honesty approach." I walk up to the guy. I'm like,
"Uh, excuse me, sir? "I'm very sorry,
but I'm feeling very sick. Do you think that maybe
you could drive me home?" And shockingly,
this guy says yes. Ari: So I'm out in the lobby of
the Loews going like this just trying to fucking smell. Pete: And we got in his car,
and, you know, he starts driving,
but then he gets to a stop sign. And I'm just out of control. I'm like,
"Man, just go! Ari: I'm like "I don't smell
anything. I don't know." And then every once and a while
just like "Carboni!" Please!
Just go!" "Carboni! Pete!" And then I was like "alright I
should go find him. I don't know
where he is. but I should find him. But I was
like wait what if he comes back
here, let's just make the movies the home base.
So I watched the movie and every
few minutes I was like "Where the fuck is Pete". Until finally I felt so bad.
I'm just like, this degenerate. Doing mushrooms on a Monday
morning. And I jump out of his car,
and I throw $200 at him. And he--he says to me. He's like, "Man, I just
drove you, like, five blocks. It's really"--
And I was like, "Just take it!" And then
I just started running. And I ran
all the way home. And when I got home, I started
to feel a little bit lonely, and I started to rethink things
with Kelly, you know? It's like,
you know, yeah, she slept with a few
of my friends. Okay. Maybe I can
just take that as, she finds my friends
really charming and attractive. In a way,
that's like a compliment. Ari: At the end of the movie
everybody stood up to leave and I saw this kid, this 18 year
old kid. He was with his
grandparents and they stood up and they were discussing the
movie they just saw, and it was so beautiful. So I called her,
and I asked her to come over, Ari: I was overcome with
emotion. I was like, this kid is still
spending time with his
grandparents that's so fucking wonderful. And when she got there,
I begged her to take me back, and she did. I was almost like getting choked
up, I was like "my grandparents are all gone, I'll never get a
chance to see public enemies
with them." Pete: And then I kissed her, so
passionately. As so many of my friends had
done before me. Ari: But anyway, I pick up the
phone and call Pete. And then my phone rang, and it was Ari. I was like, "Oh, yeah.
That's right. "Like, we were supposed to be
doing mushrooms today "to rekindle
our friendship because I've been
such a bad friend." "Oh no". And, Ari, do you remember
what you said? (Ari)
Yeah, I was worried about you. So I was like--I was like,
"Hey, are you okay?" Yeah, and I thought
he was gonna attack me, which would've been
the right thing to do. And then I was like,
"You know"-- I don't know
how to tell him this, so I was like, "Yeah, I'm good.
I'm good. I'm here with Kelly." Yeah, I forgot
about that. You were like,
"I'm here with Kelly. We got back together,"
but I was like... [sighs] "All right, well,
at least you're all right." (Pete)
Yeah, he was
a good sport about it. And then you--not only that,
then he says to me. He's like, "Hey, man,
I just want to let you know that I love you." (Ari)
I do. I was really concerned
for you. Yeah, and I was, like,
overwhelmed with-- I was like--
That was so nice of you. - Yeah.
- Yeah. I wouldn't have been
that way. Let me ask you
a question. (Pete)
What's that? Why--why did you have
$300 on you? [laughter and applause] I think I figured that
I was doing something sort of adventurous
that, like, I should probably bring
emergency funds. - You know?
- No, it's-- Just to be safe. You don't need emergency funds
for a mushroom trip. Oh, yeah,
but didn't I need them? [laughter] Wouldn't you say
that I needed them? Yeah, you're right.
You're right, you did. And I'm glad
you're safe, man. I'm glad you're safe
as well. Thanks.
Pete Carboni, everybody. Pete Carboni.
Haha, yeah they didn't know what they were doing, glad it went OK.