Ari Shaffir Does Drugs - This Is Not Happening - Uncensored

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Ari is one of the best guys out there and it has been great seeing him succeed on his own terms.

πŸ‘οΈŽ︎ 9 πŸ‘€οΈŽ︎ u/borderlinebadger πŸ“…οΈŽ︎ Jun 12 2013 πŸ—«︎ replies

Where did you find this? I thought they were only releasing one every Wednesday?

πŸ‘οΈŽ︎ 4 πŸ‘€οΈŽ︎ u/[deleted] πŸ“…οΈŽ︎ Jun 11 2013 πŸ—«︎ replies

What was the drugs he talked about?

πŸ‘οΈŽ︎ 1 πŸ‘€οΈŽ︎ u/Sileniced πŸ“…οΈŽ︎ Jun 12 2013 πŸ—«︎ replies

This was awesome! I actually had a very similar experience, best day I've ever had.

πŸ‘οΈŽ︎ 1 πŸ‘€οΈŽ︎ u/[deleted] πŸ“…οΈŽ︎ Jun 12 2013 πŸ—«︎ replies
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(increasingly loud music) - [Ari Shaffir] Anyone at home and watching this, the worst possible scenario on drugs is that you don't get fucked up. (laughter) (bass-heavy dance music) Welcome to This Is Not Happening presents One Crazy Night. So this is what we do: have a bunch of comedians tell stories about a similar subject. So this is just One Crazy Night. - [Announcer] Please, put your hands together for your host, Ari Shaffir. (applause) - Very nice. How are you guys? Thank you very much for coming out. Here's the deal. I'm gonna talk about drugs, for a second. Yeah, you guys heard of 'em? Have you heard of 'em? They're amazing. (laughter) Here's what I do to pass time. In my free time, I like to go to UFC events. My friend gets me free tickets. He works for them, so as a Jew, that's the exact right price. (laughter) That I'm willing to pay every single time. Any event really, it doesn't matter. Be like, "Hey, I got two tickets to the," I'm like (screaming), "Stop right there, because I'm in." (laughter) So I go to these UFC events, these cage fighting things and if you ever watch 'em on TV, it lasts like two or three hours, but if you actually go to one of 'em, it's like six and half hours long and that's way too long not to be fucked up, (laughter) and beer costs so much at those things, so I figure you can just take drugs and you could smuggle them inside your system. (laughter) So I've taken all sorts of stuff. I've taken ecstasy before and mushrooms there and acid, that was probably the best one (laughter) and pot cookies. I've taken those. Those are my normal ones, just pot cookies. So I wanna talk about pot cookies for a second. Here's the thing with certain types of drugs. Alcohol, weed, it's not that hard, like you smoke it or you take a shot. Within five minutes, you know how fucked up you're gonna get off that thing, but some drugs takes like an hour to kick in and by then it's too late. (laughter) This ride is already in motion. The fuckin' things have come down, you're in, so ... So is that Holy Grail of drug use is taking the exact right amount. That's so hard to get. 'Cause if you take too much, you're fucked. If you don't take enough, that's the worst thing that can happen to you. The worst possible scenario on drugs is that you don't get fucked up. (laughter) So you gotta figure out how much to take, so what I would say is, no matter what people tell you to take, take like eight percent extra. You wanna make sure. So I took this pot cookie at this UFC fight one time and you ever start like getting higher and higher on a pot cookie? Like you start blasting off? (laughter) You know you have like a range in mind from here to here and then you're just going boom, boom! And you're like still going up. (laughter) Just fuckin' shootin' through the ceiling like Willy Wonka in the Chocolate Factory. You know on the elevator and it goes right through the top. Where I was always like, "Why do you make the ceiling out of glass if the elevator can do that?" It's just a poor design from an engineering standpoint, but whatever. So I was doing that. I was sittin' in my chair at this UFC fuckin' flyin' just sittin' there enjoyin' it like this. My friend kept turning to me every once in awhile. She'd be like, "Good fights, right?" I'd go (grunting) (laughter) Like this is not my first time. I'm not gonna fuck up. You gotta do better than that if you're gonna try to trick me. (laughter) Every like hour, she'd say something, I'd just mutter back at her like (grunting). (laughter) Like, I'm just too good at this, but then after like three hours, she goes, "Hey, do you wanna go get some snacks from concession?" And I go, "Fuck, yes." (laughter) How did you know that? How did you know that? That's exactly what I wanna do. You're in my mind, right now. So I'm like, "Let's go, let's go to the concession." So we stood up, there's like three steps up to the main level and here's the thing: There's a different level of fucked up, no matter what you're on, alcohol, drugs, there's a different level from when you're sitting to when you're standing, (laughter) and you think those two things would be related, but they're completely not related. Like, when you're sittin' down, you're like, "Okay, I was pretty bad there for awhile." (laughter) I think I'm coasting now. I think we're okay. I was close to barfing. When you're like this, when you're like ... (laughter) That's always a sign. If you ever see somebody doin' that at a bar, just goin like this ... (laughter) Just move away from that person, immediately. So you're like, "Okay, I think I'm good now. It's been like an hour. I'm in control, yeah. I'm in control. Let's do this," and you stand up, you're like, "Oh fuck no. I'm not in control at all. The drug is in control." It was gettin' really bad to the point where I had to have a talk with myself in my brain. Like a full discussion. That's when you know shit's going bad. When your brain says, "Ari, I need to talk to you for a minute." (laughter) I was like, "What? What's happening, brain? What's a matter?" 'Cause I stood up, we went right out to the front line. We got right into the concession line. It was like right after a fight, so it was like perfect timing. We got in, people got in behind me, then I started gettin' real light headed. My brain's like, "Let me tell you something," and I was like, "What do you have to tell me?" (laughter) "Like, you only give me bad news. Is everything totally cool?" And brain was like, "Listen Ari, here's what's going to happen: You're going to pass out." (laughter) And I was like, "What! No fuckin' way! No, I'm not doin' that in a concession line at a UFC. No, I'm not doin' that. We gotta be another option. We gotta figure somethin' else out. We're not fuckin' passin' out right here. No, no. And my brain was like, "Shh." (laughter) "Shh. It's okay, baby. It's okay. Listen, fighting it, that's not gonna help. You're going to pass out. So let me prepare you." And I was like, "Alright cool, I guess." But what I gotta do, so my brain was like, "You're gonna fall asleep. You're gonna wake up in about twenty five seconds on the floor and there's gonna be a bunch of people staring at you. (laughter) And you're prolly gonna feel really, really embarrassed. I want you to get up, and walk away rapidly." (laughter) And I was like, alright, I can handle that. If that's my future, that's not so bad. I can deal with that. So I'm in this concession line, everything's gettin' real light, it's just gettin' like, I don't know if you guys have ever passed out before? You don't black out. I'm not tryin' to be racist, but you don't black out. (laughter) Everything gets white and you white out, and then you start sweating, like I'm sittin' there, it's getting whiter and whiter. Everything. You're like pouring sweat. My t-shirt's like soaked, and then the last thing to go is your hearing. It just starts ringing, it starts going (increasingly high pitched humming), like that, so I could barely hear anything, I could barely see. I'm startin' to go and then, right before I completely shut off, the last guy in the concession line got his stuff and he like, he left. So there, just me and the counter and so I just lunged at the counter and put my hand on it and then I locked my elbow and then I just went out. I was just like ... (laughter) (applause) I can't see. I can't hear. I don't know what's up or down. Every part of my body is asleep, every part, except my elbow. That's the only thing keepin' it all together. My elbow's like photo baggage's buddy, like, I'll take it from here, sir, and pretend this isn't about homosexuality. So I'm like this, for real, like 20, 25 seconds. Until the first thing that starts coming back is my hearing. It was like the ringing stopped and the first thing I hear was the guy behind the concession stand just going, "Sir! Sir! What can I get you?" (laughter) I was just like, "You can get me like one minute. That's what I need personally." (laughter) And then I was able to like slowly get my footing and like the sweating started to like slow down, and I looked at her and I was like, "Okay, now like four popcorns and six pieces of pizza," I said, "Immediately." And then we'll start talking. And I was able to like completely come back. And I was like, "Whoa." (deep sigh) And then I looked over at my friend and my friend was just standing next to me going like this, like ... (laughter) And I was like, "What?" (laughter) And she goes, "What. What? No! You don't get to ask that. Like you didn't do anything outta the ordinary there. What the fuck was that?" 'Cause she didn't even know I had taken anything. So to her, for the last three hours, I had just been boring. (laughter) And then I got to the front of the concession line and started doing the Twizler dance outta nowhere. She's like, "What was that?" And I was like, "That? That was someone who just took the right amount of drugs." That's what I was like. (applause) (bass-heavy upbeat music) Hey, why dontchu click "Like" so that this YouTube clip gets better views and subscribe so that you can see next week's story. And don't forget to leave a comment. I command you. (high pitched screeching)
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Channel: Comedy Central
Views: 2,231,681
Rating: undefined out of 5
Keywords: This Is Not Happening, stand-up, stand up, Ari Shaffir, ari shaffir stand up, drugs, pot cookies, UFC, marijuana, ari shaffir clips, ari shaffir videos, this is not happening videos, this is not happening clips, comedy central web series, stand up comedy, comedians, comedy central comedians, comedy, funny, comedian, funny video, comedy videos, stand up videos, funny jokes, funny clips, hilarious videos, hilarious clips, This isn’t happening, storytelling, Comedy Central stand up
Id: edwvY6xBo4Y
Channel Id: undefined
Length: 10min 18sec (618 seconds)
Published: Tue Jun 11 2013
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