- Guys, mushrooms
and the abandoned "M.A.S.H." [laughter] I can't imagine a better thing
to do on mushrooms. <i> [dark electronic music]</i> <i> ♪ </i> <i> ♪ </i> [cheers and applause] - Welcome to
"This Is Not Happening." I'm your host, Ari Shaffir, and tonight the topic
is psychedelia. [cheers and applause] <i> Please help me welcome
to the stage</i> <i> Mat Edgar and Ari Shaffir.</i> It was, like, three,
four years ago, we all decided-- we found--somebody looked
in their freezer, and they looked
in the back, like, "Oh, I have, like,
an ounce of mushrooms," and, like,
"Well, let's do those..." both: "Right now." - So we're like,
"Let's go camping," and, like, "Okay,"
and we left at, like, 5:45 p.m. to go to
Malibu Creek State Park, which took us, like, 3 1/2,
4 hours to get there. It was great, but then we're
trying to set this tent up... - In the complete dark.
- Yeah, by iPhone light. And not the good iPhone,
where you have the flashlight, the fucking shitty iPhone 3,
like an immigrant. "Okay," just the
front-facing thing, you know? - We're using the screen... - Yeah, the screen?
- On full brightness. - No. And it was hard
to set this tent up. By the way,
as soon as we got there, everybody jumps out of the van
we're all in. Everybody jumps out,
and they all go, "Mushrooms! Mushrooms!
Mushrooms!" And we're like,
"No, tent, first tent. - Set up the tent.
- Yeah. - We're gonna need the tent
after the mushrooms. - Yeah,
so we tried to set it up. It was a big tent we had too. - I mean, we're, like,
climbing over each other, sticking stakes--
I had his Jew 'fro in my mouth, like,
three times. That's what Jew 'fro
tastes like. - Yeah, what does it taste like?
- Money. Stupid, stupid idiot. - It's, like, a 20. [laughter] - That's a good bill. - Yeah, I would have said 5,
but that doesn't taste-- - Come on,
that's insulting. So we're trying to set
this tent up, and we don't know how to do it. We're fucking--it's difficult. We're trying to get it--
and by the way, our one friend, Madonia,
refuses to help. - Oh, yeah. He took the liberty of being
the grinder of the mushrooms. - Yeah, he was like,
"You guys set the tent up. I'll grind the mushrooms,
so they're ready." - It was like,
"Don't break your back, Dan." [laughter] - Yeah, he was like,
"I'm really good at grinding." Like, what, doing this? - This? - Where'd you go to school
for that? - It's a grinder.
It's made to be simple. - Yeah, we could just do it
afterwards. He's like, "Trust me.
I'm really good." I'm like, "All right,
fucking idiot, don't help." - That was a huge tent too. - It was hard.
It was hard. - It was two-story.
- It was not two stories. It was a nice tent,
but it was not two stories. It was, like,
an eight-person tent. - It had a chimney.
- It did not have a chimney. Stop it.
- It came with a receptionist. - All right, it did not come
with a receptionist. It was a nice seven-,
eight-person tent, but it was hard. We couldn't set it up. Our real problem was that it was
just us there. - There was no men. - Yeah, there was no men. - It was a bunch of dudes... - Yeah. - That never camp. Finally, our buddy Marino's
girlfriend was like, "Just move out of the way." - Yeah, she took care of it. She was like,
"You hold that pipe. You hold that pipe.
Just do it." - She was like a foreman. And in, like, five minutes,
there it was. - Yeah, all set up.
- Perfectly. - It was great then.
Then we took the mushrooms. - Yeah,
took the mushrooms, and for the next hour,
there's that, like-- - Yeah, there's that moment of,
like, "Has it kicked in yet?" - "Did you feel anything?"
- "I don't know. "I think I might feel it.
Do you feel it? I don't know.
I sort of feel it." - "No, that was a fart."
- "Oh, okay. Maybe I feel it." And then when they hit,
like, 45 minutes in, an hour in, they're just like this whoosh,
and you're like, "Oh, yeah. "Oh, I don't know what I was
talking about before. - Yeah.
- This is..." - No question. - "Yeah, this is
for sure it now." - And that's how we--
that's how we knew the 'shrooms were working, was
when we couldn't stop laughing at how perfectly
we nailed the tent. - Yes, it looked so good. - Just like on the box. - It looked just like
on the box. - Like, I put the box
next to the tent. I was like,
"Which one do I sleep in?" - It's so good.
It looked so good. - The picture on the box
even had a camper sleeping in front of the tent,
and our friend Luke just so happened to pass out
in front of the tent, so it was, like,
it even came with Luke. - Look at that.
- Like... - Guys, we fucking nailed it.
We nailed it. And when mushrooms happen,
as soon as it starts happening, you start laughing
at everything... - Oh, crying, just--
- First at tent. Willie--our buddy Willie... - Willie kept on guessing
the time. He was so dialed in. - No clock, no watch,
none of that. - Just, "11:58." - And we'd be like,
"What the fuck? No fucking way!" - "Thank you."
- "How'd you do that?" - A few minutes would go by,
"12:13." - "No way, man.
Fuck!" It would just happen
over and over again. Oh, man, good times. By the way, that was as good
as it got for Willie. - Oh, yeah. - That was his pinnacle. - Yeah. - Mushrooms gives you good times
and bad times, then good times again. That was--he never had
the good times again. It was just there and then gone. - I've never seen anybody
walk home from a camping trip. [laughter] Willie slept in his bed
that night. [laughter] I called him a few hours. I was like,
"Willie, where are you?" He was like, "I'm freaking out
in McDonald's, man." He was like, "Yeah,
everybody's looking at me." "Like, because you're probably
making a scene, Willie." Like... - Walking to McDonald's.
We were gonna get him at first. We're like, "Where are you?
Where can we pick you up?" He's like, "I'm at McDonald's."
We're like, "Oh." - We're like,
"Oh, you're--you're fucked." - "Yeah, we can't--
we can't get you from there." - And he's like,
"Yeah, I think we need to go our separate ways." I was like,
"Yeah, we definitely can't get you right now." "No, no, no, I mean, in life." I was like,
"Are you breaking up with me on the phone?" - He thought he was better
than us. - Earlier that day,
he had signed a contract to shoot a pilot for NBC, so he's in McDonald's,
and he's telling me, he's like-- he's like,
"You know, like, lookit. I'm a big-time TV writer now." [laughter] "And you're just taking drugs
out in the wilderness. Like, you're--you're a loser." And I was like, "Willie, you're
tripping balls in a McDonald's." [laughter] "You're not better than me." - "You're not better
than anybody, bro. You ain't better than anybody." - He's like,
"I know, I know, I know. "I just--I just don't want
to lose this, all right? "I just--I've worked so hard. "I finally got something. "I just don't want to--
hey, you. "What are you looking at? "Yeah, you.
What the fuck you looking at? I got to go." "Willie?
Willie?" - "Hey, where is he?
Where is he?" He's like, "He won't answer
the phone anymore." - Willie's in some shit
with some guy in McDonald's, and there's nothing we could do. - Anyway, whatever,
but that was later. So then earlier,
here was the plan, Malibu Creek State Park. I don't know if you've ever
been there, but tell them what it is. - Oh, Malibu State Park
is where-- Malibu Creek State Park
is where they shot the TV show "M.A.S.H." So one of the novelties
of camping here is that you could take a trail
and go see the ruins of "M.A.S.H.";
they left the whole set there. - Yeah, they left
the whole set there. It's all there,
which, guys, mushrooms
and the abandoned "M.A.S.H." [laughter] I can't imagine a better thing
to do on mushrooms than go-- - I mean, the set of "M.A.S.H."
is one thing. It's, like, whatever,
but then on mushrooms? - Yeah, for sure. - We're going. - Yeah, by the way, just spoiler
alert: we never found it. - Oh, we never made it, no.
- We never got there. He went, like, two years later
and found out it was, like, 15 minutes away from where
we hiked--where we camped... - It was right under our nose. - But we could've never
found it. - And, you know. - So we smoked this joint. We were gonna, like,
we took it all. We were like, "Let's do it."
We're all laughing. We're like, "All right,
it's time to go find 'M.A.S.H.'" And then we smoked this joint. Our friend Erik Marino
had this joint. By the way, the dispensary owner
who sold it to him said it was really strong,
and he was like, "Really?" And the guy said,
"This joint is named The Joint that Will Kick You
in the Face." [laughter] And here's the deal. If you're a stoner,
and I know most of you are, when somebody warns you
about the potency of weed, it's just like, "Who the hell
are you talking to, man?" - How dare you?
- Yeah, how dare you? Like, if they give you, like,
a cookie, like, "Only take half of this,"
it's like, "Fuck you. "Now I'm taking three of them. How dare you say you know me?" [laughter] - Those are fightin' words.
- Yeah, exactly. So we smoke this joint,
and then we're like, "Let's start walking," and-- - That's when we broke up.
- Yeah. Well, me, okay, I was in
the front of this, like, line. It was me and, like, Erik--no,
not Erik Marino, Dan Madonia,
and this guy Ryan Mirvis, and we all start walking,
and you just held back with the rest of the people. - Well, my buddy Marino
started throwing up, 'cause the joint literally
kicked him in his face, and... - But it was a good-- - The guy that bought the joint
that initially laughed in the face of the guy
that sold it to him was throwing up,
because he coughed too hard. - Yeah, but it was
a mushroom throw-up. That's a good throw-up.
It's not like a normal throw-up. Mushroom throw-up is like... [coughs and retches] [laughing] [retching and laughing] So many shades of brown. - The laughter
between the heaves. - Yeah, so we start--
we were gone, and we didn't even know
they weren't even behind us. We never looked back. - Yeah, I went back
to get Marino some water and help him out, and that's
when the cop showed up. You've seen the flashlight
in the dark. You know that's only one thing. Like...
[imitates siren chirping] The po-po here. - What did you say, by the way,
when the cop showed up? What did you say? - Oh, that's the beautiful thing
about mushrooms is that, like, it takes away your filter. Like,
you're the most animalistic you you would ever be. So when he shined the light
at me right in front of his face,
I was like, "Uh-oh." - That's the last thing you want
to say to a cop, is the words "uh-oh." No matter what you're doing,
if any cop shows up, you're like,
"Oh, fuck, a cop," just don't say that. - "Oh, no. You got me, Officer."
- "Uh-oh." Like, "Oh, I'm gonna
search you now," like... - That's probably why he asked
if I was on drugs... - Yeah, when you go, "Uh-oh."
- Now that I look back on it. - This guy was a dick,
though. That's what Marino
and all of them said. That guy was, like,
not fucking around. - He was a dick. He threw the whole, "You know,
there's a jail "about 20 miles away,
and I don't mind driving there. Do you guys want
to drive there?" And I was like,
"Well, no," like-- - Why are you in charge
right now? Why are you the guy
talking to him? - Normally, I would never be
the guy to talk to the cops, but, you know,
Willie's freaking out trying to figure out
what time it is. - Yeah. He was still like,
"Hello, Officer. What are you doing here
at 1:17?" [laughter] And Mat's like,
"Willie, not now. Not now." The cop was like... - "This isn't part of the trip,
Willie." - Yeah, Marino's barfing. Becca's all huddled up
in the corner. - Yeah, I was just the guy.
- Luke is still passed out. - And at the time,
I had a lot to lose, because back then, my dad
was running for State Assembly. [laughter] So I just didn't want to fuck up
the whole campaign. - By the way, I love how you say
you have a lot to lose because your dad is running
for State Assembly. - I'd never be able
to go back home. - He's the one running;
you're gonna fuck it up, but you have the--
it's so selfish. [laughter] - Well... - "I'd be grounded." He would fucking lose
his whole career. "I could've gotten grounded,
you guys." - That would--that would ruin
everything for me. - [laughs] - So I had no choice but to stay
in the pocket, you know? Like, I had to stay focused
on what the cop was saying. "Yes, no," you know. He's like,
"How old are you guys?" Like, "Well, I'm 26. "Willie just turned 26. Becca's 23." And he goes,
"How old's that guy?" Pointed to the guy--
Marino throwing up. I was like,
"He's 40. "What a loser,
right, Officer? Like, come on, Marino,
there's a cop here." - He knew it too.
He was like... [retching and laughing] Sorry...
[retching and laughing] - So he's like,
"There's no drugs here?" And I was like, "Nope," and he
was like, "Well, what's that?" And he shines his light
on our picnic table, and one of Ari's grinders--
I don't know if you've seen it-- it has, like, Ari's
psychedelic Jew face on it. - Yeah, it's like grinders
for merch, and it's got my face with, like,
a third eye on it... - A yarmulke made of mushrooms,
like, pretty much screams we're
taking drugs with this thing. He said, "What's that? And I was like,
"It's a grinder." He was like,
"What's it for? I'm thinking
the lesser here. I mean, I know that that's what
we use to grind the 'shrooms in, but usually, we use it for weed,
so if I just say "weed," maybe that would be,
you know-- - It's California.
That's allowed. It's allowed. - It's California,
so I just let him have it. I was like,
"It's for marijuana." And he's like,
"Do you have your license?" I was like, "Yep,"
and he's like, "All right." - He threatened to take them
to jail if they didn't have their fucking pot license. - Yeah.
- What a dick. - Which is so--
anybody could get their license. - Yeah, it's so easy. Everybody's got
their pot card here, right? [audience members cheer]
both: Yeah. - You go to a doctor,
anything. They don't give a fuck. You can be like,
"I had a cough once." [laughter] - I told a doctor
that I have anxiety, and he's like, "Well,
here's some more anxiety. "Use this anxiety to drown out
the other anxiety, and..." - It's the best system.
- It's simple. - It's the best. I remember the first time
I bought legal weed from that place Zen
on Santa Monica and La Cienega, and I bought it, and I had a bag
of weed in my hand. I was out there meeting
my friend, and then I went
to the dispensary and had it, and I was like,
"Wow, I just bought legal weed." But then right then,
a cop pulled up with a light, and I was like, "Oh, shit,"
but then I was like, "No wait. "This is legal; what I'm doing
is legal in California. I've done nothing wrong." And then I started walking
towards him, and I looked in my other hand, and that was just a bag
of mushrooms, and I was like, "Oh, fuck.
What am I doing here?" - "There's no medical mushrooms,
son." - No, there's no
medical mushrooms. - So he was like,
"Well, open the grinder." And I just know...
- Fuck. - I'm looking at everybody. This is where we get busted,
guys; here we go. So I do everything I can to
stall reaching for the grinder hoping that maybe he'll get
a call, like, "There's shots fired.
You got to go." And then you'd be like, "Oh!"
Like, "Oh, sorry, Officer. I couldn't get the grinder open
for you." - By the way, at this point,
as tense as it was for him, me and the other two guys
that had walked away, we were having a wonderful time. - Yeah. - It could not have been
more fun. We saw a deer.
We saw a skunk. That was a lot of fun. Walked around in the woods,
really enjoyed ourselves. We even actually saw those cops. As they came through the woods
the first time, they were like, Mirvis' dog,
he was like, "Is it on a leash? He goes, "Of course it is,
Officer." And we're like,
"What are you guys doing here?" They're like, "Oh, some people
making noise." We're like, "Well,
you better shut them up, "because it's all about
tranquility out here, so fuck those assholes." - "Make sure to check their
grinders, Officer." - We didn't know
they were going to you. - I got a feeling. - We didn't know
they were going to you guys. - All right. So I do everything I can
to stall it. I would, like, make small talk
with the cop, like, "So how long you been a cop? You know, I've always wanted
to be a cop." When I--
when I was in high school, and I'd get in trouble
by the cops, and they'd sit me on the curb,
I would always-- my go-to move was talk about how
I wanted to be cop when I grew up,
and it would make them be like, "Yeah, you're just a dumb kid. Get out of here." It's worked a million times, and I thought it would work
at 26. He's just like,
"Just open the fucking grinder." So I open it
as slowly as possible, and he shines his light
right in it, and there's nothing there,
completely empty. Dan had grinded them up
so well... [laughter and applause] That it turned into powder, and he just tap, tap, tap,
tap, tap. - No, no, that's actually not
what happened. I talked to Dan later. That's not it at all. He's such a fucking junkie
for mushrooms that he poured orange juice
into the grinder and then fucking sucked out, so he'd get every last drop
of the powder for himself, so he could trip a lot harder. - Took a shot of 'shrooms.
- Yeah. - So finally, the cop's like,
"All right, everybody go to bed. Too loud.
Time to go to bed." And we're like, "You got it."
I mean, we're off the hook. "Yeah, we'll go to bed.
Fine, Officer." So we start walking in,
he walks by the tent, and he shines his light on,
and he's like, "Wait. Hold on a second." I'm like, "Oh, no.
What now?" And he leans over
to his partner, and he goes, "Nice tent." "Right?" - We nailed it, you guys.
Mat Edgar, everybody. Keep it going for Matty Edgar. Good job, buddy. <i> [dark electronic music]</i> <i> ♪ </i>
Can somebody mirror these so Canada can watch??
fucking hell that was terrible, it's like some 16 year old telling you about his first bong hit
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Ari looks like a supremacist jew with his new appearance.
This is legitimately unfunny.
not enough holocaust jokes